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You were wrong, Murray. You were wrong.
Oscar, you should never question the
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umpire's decision.
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Besides, I'm a policeman, and this badge
means I'm honest.
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And these thick glasses mean you're
blind.
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You're a rotten umpire.
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00:00:20,070 --> 00:00:21,210
What do you mean, rotten?
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I tagged the guy out. You call him sick.
He comes tearing into me, spikes
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flying, throws a gigantic block in my
body. Oscar, he was only nine years old.
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How long is he going to use that as a
cop -out? Oh, come on. Let's forget
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the game and let's eat.
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00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:38,260
Where's Felix?
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He's trying to make up with Gloria.
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She caught him going through her
garbage.
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What was he looking for in her garbage?
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I don't know how jealous he is. He was
probably looking for male heads.
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He always drove her crazy.
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Well, they must have gotten along
sometime. After all, he proposed to her,
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didn't he?
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00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:57,900
Oh, Felix never proposed to her.
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She proposed to him?
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No.
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Who proposed to her?
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Me!
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On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself
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from his place of residence.
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That request came from his wife.
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Deep down, he knew she was right. But he
also knew that someday he would return
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to her.
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With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.
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Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he
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never return.
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Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?
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But why didn't Felix propose to Gloria?
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Didn't you ever hear that story? What
story?
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About me proposing to Gloria. It's a
great story in the whole world.
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Here, eat a nice sandwich I made for
you. I'll tell it to you.
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What's the matter? Don't you like it?
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No, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's just
that I like it better when Felix makes
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the sandwich.
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You notice how he trims all of the crust
away from the bread?
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And how he never put too much mayonnaise
on it.
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And he only uses just the tender, soft
part of the lettuce.
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Yeah, find the soft, tender part of the
lettuce.
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Oscar, tell me about how you proposed to
Gloria.
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Well, you know, I met Felix in the early
50s. He had just broken up with his
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girlfriend, Dorothy, a dietician.
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She ran away with Kate Smith's drummer.
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Well, I met him one night and he was
very depressed and I figured I'd fix him
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with a blind date. Somebody I knew would
cheer him up.
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But he wanted to put it off.
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00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:32,360
He didn't want to accept a date with a
stranger from a stranger. See, but I
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talked him into it. I told the girl to
meet us here at the apartment.
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I figured I'd clean it up nicely.
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Hey, Felix, how are you? Come on in.
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Nice to see you.
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Hey, let me hang up your hat.
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Here you go.
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Come on in.
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I thought we were meeting the girls at
your place.
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This is my place.
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Don't you like it?
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It's quaint.
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to hang your hat.
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You've done everything you could with
what's your hat.
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Oh, I got an evening lined up for you.
It's just great.
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What's the matter?
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Dorothy.
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Dorothy.
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Dorothy. I think your needle's stuck.
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Dorothy.
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Not only broke my heart, she also gave
me hiccups.
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Well, listen, I didn't think they were
catching. Sit down, will you? I'm going
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to clean up a little bit for the girls.
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She was the first dietician I ever
dated.
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I break up with a girl, I get drunk. You
get the hiccups.
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Actually, it was the crying afterwards.
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Crying afterwards.
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I'm a very emotional man, Oscar.
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I cry, I sneeze, I itch.
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is my voice.
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My body is my own worst enemy.
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You'd better relax. Stop worrying about
it.
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I've lost the hiccups. Yeah, it seems
so.
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Now they're coming out of your nose.
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Symptoms. I'm a math of symptoms.
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00:05:56,620 --> 00:05:58,840
Whenever I'm nervous, I get I'm nervous
about tonight.
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What are you nervous about? The deck is
stacked in your head. And when I say
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stacked... I mean, Spack, where do you
see it?
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00:06:04,930 --> 00:06:08,590
I know, I know you're trying to help me
all you can, but I'm always nervous when
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I have a blind date.
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What do I say to her?
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You tell her that she's nice, so she
won't think she's cheap.
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00:06:17,630 --> 00:06:18,870
You want a drink?
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No, no, no, no thanks. Make yourself
comfortable. I'll be right back.
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You said I should make myself
comfortable.
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00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,140
Putting away my shirts makes you
comfortable?
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00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,680
I hate mess.
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Oh, I'm sure glad I don't have to live
with you.
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There I go.
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What? Doing it again.
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00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:23,220
Somebody befriends me and I alienate
him. Oh, no, I was only kidding, Felix.
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Look, I'm going to go put on my jacket.
Why don't you entertain yourself?
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What should I do?
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Play some ping pong.
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I'm Felix Unger. I'm Gloria Taper. It's
so nice to meet you.
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Well, it's nice to meet you, too.
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Gloria! Listen, you two talk or you'll
be right out.
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I've heard so much about you. Really?
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What have you heard?
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I'm sorry.
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May I take your coat?
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Oh, thank you.
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I've been looking forward to this
evening all week.
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Are you lonely like me?
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No, I just like to go out and have a
good time.
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00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:04,440
Ditto. Won't you... Well,
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tell me about yourself. Where are you
from? What's your background? What does
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your father do?
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Oh, neither do I.
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Such an untidy habit. I hate it. I hate
it.
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I like tidy habits.
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I could tell that just from looking at
you. You seem so neat.
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I am.
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You seem neat, too.
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I don't mean that only the way the kids
they need.
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You look clean.
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Can't sign your drink. I'm on an order.
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Oh, I'd love one.
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Take it out. I'm allergic to olives.
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You okay now?
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Yeah. You should have seen him ten
minutes ago.
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Can I... Would you excuse us for just a
minute? Certainly.
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But leave the olives.
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00:10:05,790 --> 00:10:06,790
Yeah.
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00:10:12,150 --> 00:10:14,270
This girl is fantastic.
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Great, I'm glad you like her. Yeah,
but...
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Watch what you say. You could ruin the
whole evening.
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00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:20,800
What do you guess? Not your date.
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She's not?
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00:10:24,740 --> 00:10:26,420
No, I got you the good one.
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Oh.
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Gloria's a good one.
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This one is better.
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Better than Gloria?
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No contest.
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Would you like me to get that?
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No, I'll get it.
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really starting to go for, huh?
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I want to be alone by myself.
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I can't abide her.
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00:12:01,660 --> 00:12:04,460
Are you kidding? You've got a maid in
the shade there.
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00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:09,500
I know that, according to your life,
you're helping me all you can, but I
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we have slightly different tastes in
girls.
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I prefer a girl who's quiet and
ladylike, attractive and refined.
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What for?
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I want to be with Gloria.
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00:12:23,620 --> 00:12:24,740
I can't believe it.
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00:12:25,319 --> 00:12:27,060
Now, don't blame me. I'm a rotten
friend. Go ahead.
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Beat me. Flog me.
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With what? The spaghetti?
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00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:32,780
Why?
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00:12:33,300 --> 00:12:37,900
Well, I'm a rat that suggested I know,
but the two of us seem to hit it off.
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00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,600
Well, go figure, people. If that's what
you want, you got it.
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00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:45,000
You don't mind? Of course not. Won't
this ruin your evening?
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You cannot pray for ruined evenings like
this.
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00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:50,540
But now Aunt Gloria's with you, and
that's the end of it.
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00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:53,530
How are we going to do this? We don't
want to offend anybody. Oh, don't worry.
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00:12:53,610 --> 00:12:57,310
You cool it. I'll take care of
everything. Here they come. The main
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subtle. Oh, I'll be subtle. They won't
know anything about it. Sit down. Did
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miss us?
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00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:03,090
Girls, Felix wants a switch. Gloria,
you're with him.
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00:13:08,590 --> 00:13:11,470
Hey, teach me that chin chopper game,
will you? Okay, I'll show you.
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00:13:12,410 --> 00:13:13,910
Knock on the door.
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00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:17,810
That's my favorite song.
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00:13:18,310 --> 00:13:20,310
What are we sitting here for, honey?
Let's do it.
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00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,520
Been so miserable all evening.
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00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,300
I know. You didn't touch your dinner.
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You noticed?
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00:13:41,840 --> 00:13:44,420
I know a dietician who couldn't have
cared less.
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You should eat.
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00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,840
Oh, cannelloni was tough.
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The spaghetti was undercooked and...
And?
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00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:58,060
And I love you.
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00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:12,980
Felix really went all out for it. Took
her to the best places, bought her
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00:14:12,980 --> 00:14:14,680
flowers. He was a perfect gentleman,
see?
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00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:18,320
Now, she figured that he was different
from all the guys who took her out
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before.
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00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:20,900
My wife said that to me.
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00:14:21,780 --> 00:14:25,180
Boy, before she met me, she really dated
some dogs.
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00:14:29,780 --> 00:14:30,780
Tell me the story.
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00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:35,560
Oh, yeah. Well, everything went well for
about a month, see? And one day, I get
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a call from Felix at the office. He says
to stop by his place after work.
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00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,260
I don't know what's happening, but when
I get there, the guy looks like he's
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going into cardiac arrest.
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00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:44,859
Cardiac arrest?
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00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,340
Yeah. Never made one of those.
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00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,260
Eat, Murray, eat.
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00:14:55,140 --> 00:14:58,860
Anyway, I was very tired. I'd covered
two basketball games, one in the
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00:14:58,860 --> 00:15:01,380
and one at night. See, I was really beat
when I got there.
200
00:15:09,450 --> 00:15:10,850
It's a nice place. You live here with
your aunt?
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00:15:15,910 --> 00:15:19,190
I've been waiting for you since 6 .30.
It's now 20 minutes of 11.
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00:15:19,570 --> 00:15:22,690
You told me to come after work. This is
after work. I had to cover a ball game.
203
00:15:22,870 --> 00:15:24,990
Well, why didn't you call me if you
called me? At least I wouldn't sit here
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00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:28,130
worrying myself to death. Yeah, I guess
I should have called... Wait a minute,
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00:15:28,170 --> 00:15:30,970
buddy. I don't even call my mother when
I'm late. Well, you should.
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00:15:33,550 --> 00:15:36,830
Wait a minute. I mean, I hardly know
you. Don't you have any other friends
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00:15:36,830 --> 00:15:37,719
could talk to?
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00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,220
I'm sorry. I'm just so... Sit down,
please. Just forgive me. I'm nervous
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00:15:42,220 --> 00:15:43,780
it. I forgot to unwrap your furniture.
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00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:49,800
It keeps it clean.
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00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,480
It's nice.
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00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:53,420
Oscar.
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00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,240
Are you listening to me? Yeah.
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00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:57,960
I need your help, and I need it better.
What is this?
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00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,380
You use your cup as an ashtray? It's all
right. I got sand in it.
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00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:05,580
That is about Gloria.
217
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,100
Yes, it's about Gloria.
218
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,040
I've got to marry her.
219
00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:11,540
You've got to marry her?
220
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:13,060
And fast.
221
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:18,540
You? A man who covers up every piece of
his furniture? Oh, I... I
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00:16:18,540 --> 00:16:23,940
love her and I want to marry her.
223
00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:25,880
Now tell me, honestly, what do you
think?
224
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:28,000
Well, if you love her, you should marry
her.
225
00:16:28,540 --> 00:16:31,980
But I haven't known her all that long
and I... I don't know.
226
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,720
Maybe I'm not ready for marriage.
227
00:16:34,180 --> 00:16:35,520
Well, then you shouldn't marry her.
228
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:37,720
I've got to act.
229
00:16:38,060 --> 00:16:40,800
She's leaving the day after tomorrow for
Korea with the USO show.
230
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,620
Maybe she'll meet some hotshot pilot
over there.
231
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,300
Les Brown's drummer.
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00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:48,020
You're right, then you should marry her.
233
00:16:48,620 --> 00:16:51,560
But should I rush into the most
important decision of my life?
234
00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,660
See, you're right again. You shouldn't
marry her.
235
00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:55,160
But I love her.
236
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,260
So tell me, what do you think?
237
00:16:57,560 --> 00:16:59,080
Well, let me sum it up for you.
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00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:04,260
On one hand, some of the things you say
indicate you should marry her. On the
239
00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:07,119
other hand, some of the things you say
indicate that you shouldn't marry her.
240
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:11,460
In other words, some of the things you
say indicate you shouldn't matter.
241
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,980
On the other hand, some of the things
you say indicate you shouldn't matter.
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00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,520
That's my opinion.
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00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,220
You're very perceptive.
244
00:17:25,970 --> 00:17:28,690
Oh, I'm sure everything will work out.
Look, I really got to go. No, I want
245
00:17:28,690 --> 00:17:29,629
opinion on a poem.
246
00:17:29,630 --> 00:17:32,730
Poem? Look, guys and dolls I know about,
fairs of the heart, poems I don't know
247
00:17:32,730 --> 00:17:36,050
anything about. I'm going to memorize
this and recite this to Gloria. Well,
248
00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:37,050
better have said it. Not to me.
249
00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:41,490
Can't please help me. All right, go
ahead. Anne is one of Shakespeare's
250
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:47,710
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
admit impediment.
251
00:17:48,930 --> 00:17:52,910
Love is not love which alters when an
alteration finds.
252
00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,020
Or bends with the remover to remove...
Oh, no!
253
00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:03,800
It is an ever -fixed mark that looks
untempted and is never shaken. It is...
254
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:08,440
You seem touched.
255
00:18:10,180 --> 00:18:11,180
Why?
256
00:18:12,220 --> 00:18:14,160
I think my cuff's on fire.
257
00:18:38,830 --> 00:18:40,050
What's the matter? Oh, I forgot you
don't drink.
258
00:18:40,710 --> 00:18:41,669
What's the matter?
259
00:18:41,670 --> 00:18:42,670
Your throat?
260
00:18:42,850 --> 00:18:43,930
What's he looking for?
261
00:18:44,270 --> 00:18:46,170
Oh, he lost something. You lost your
throat. You lost your voice.
262
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:51,110
Hurts. Hurts. Hurts. Ooh.
263
00:18:51,390 --> 00:18:52,390
How'd you do it?
264
00:18:58,510 --> 00:18:59,510
What are you doing?
265
00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:01,930
What?
266
00:19:02,570 --> 00:19:03,549
It's a movie.
267
00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:04,550
How many letters?
268
00:19:08,830 --> 00:19:12,370
What does it sound like? Sounds like?
Sounds like? Sounds like waves.
269
00:19:12,590 --> 00:19:13,670
It sounds like waves.
270
00:19:13,910 --> 00:19:16,850
It sounds like what? Curves. Curves?
Sounds like curves. Curves. Blurbs.
271
00:19:17,310 --> 00:19:21,550
Nerves. Blurbs. Blurbs? Sounds like
blurbs. Blurbs. Nerves. Nerves. Nerves.
272
00:19:21,570 --> 00:19:22,810
Nerves over the Pacific.
273
00:19:25,190 --> 00:19:26,650
You nervous from Newark?
274
00:19:27,350 --> 00:19:29,690
Honey, why don't you go play in the
sandbox for a minute?
275
00:19:43,860 --> 00:19:45,160
Ring. Third finger, right?
276
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:47,180
Yeah. Pope, you praying?
277
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:48,380
No.
278
00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:50,580
Proposing. You're proposing.
279
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:52,020
To me, you're proposing.
280
00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:53,240
I can't accept it.
281
00:19:53,260 --> 00:19:54,840
Why? You want me to propose?
282
00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:56,159
To you?
283
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,119
To Gloria?
284
00:19:57,120 --> 00:19:59,500
You want me to propose to Gloria? You're
crazy. I'm not going to do that.
285
00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,060
Look, why don't you go act it out like
you did for me? She'll get it. Go ahead.
286
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:06,220
Why? What's the matter?
287
00:20:08,300 --> 00:20:09,540
You can't read a menu to her?
288
00:20:10,540 --> 00:20:13,760
Oh, you can't recite that poem? It's
better you don't recite it. Let her read
289
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:14,760
it. It'll be better.
290
00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:17,300
That's a better idea. Play the violin.
291
00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:19,320
Me? I don't play the violin.
292
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,100
Oh, it'd be more romantic if I did it,
but you're crazy because I'm not going
293
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:25,100
do it. What's the hurry?
294
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,080
Take a tranquilizer to your throat. The
voice will come back. Everything will be
295
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:28,659
all right.
296
00:20:28,660 --> 00:20:30,440
What is that? Why can't you?
297
00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:33,020
Why can't you?
298
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:37,180
Because Gloria is flying.
299
00:20:37,850 --> 00:20:39,030
To a Japanese restaurant.
300
00:20:40,590 --> 00:20:41,569
To Korea.
301
00:20:41,570 --> 00:20:46,410
To Korea to entertain General MacArthur,
the troops, everything. Yes, I know.
302
00:20:46,610 --> 00:20:49,790
So? And you are going to hang yourself.
303
00:20:50,530 --> 00:20:53,530
Go ahead and do it because I've got a
big evening with Mitzi. I'm sorry. I
304
00:20:53,530 --> 00:20:54,530
help you.
305
00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:57,550
What is that?
306
00:20:58,450 --> 00:21:03,690
Thank you for breaking your heart.
307
00:21:04,070 --> 00:21:05,630
Thank me for breaking your heart.
Goodbye.
308
00:21:52,910 --> 00:21:54,090
where there's a caring heart.
309
00:21:54,350 --> 00:21:55,550
I'll try to be bad.
310
00:21:55,950 --> 00:21:58,790
I went to see someone. I'll tell you
later who it was.
311
00:21:59,090 --> 00:22:01,050
Be right back. What did you do, write
her a novel?
312
00:22:02,810 --> 00:22:05,890
Look, I'm sorry. I don't have much time.
I left Mitchie in the bar with two
313
00:22:05,890 --> 00:22:07,370
merchant marines and a glassblower.
314
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:11,470
Now, you know about his neuroses, and
now he's so nervous he's lost his voice.
315
00:22:11,710 --> 00:22:14,730
Oh, you poor... Can I do anything for
you? What? Yeah, what?
316
00:22:14,950 --> 00:22:18,070
Me. Oh, yeah. Go on the way over. He
wrote a whole lot of instructions for
317
00:22:18,210 --> 00:22:20,910
Here it is. Now, I gotta get it over
because I don't have much time, okay?
318
00:22:21,190 --> 00:22:22,470
One, get on me.
319
00:22:22,890 --> 00:22:23,890
Okay.
320
00:22:24,470 --> 00:22:26,070
What's the difference where I get on the
knee?
321
00:22:27,870 --> 00:22:28,870
One,
322
00:22:29,450 --> 00:22:30,309
get on knee.
323
00:22:30,310 --> 00:22:31,990
Two, bubbly, bubbly.
324
00:22:32,290 --> 00:22:34,710
Oh, Gloria, I want to... Well,
325
00:22:36,730 --> 00:22:37,730
that kind of bubbly.
326
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,570
Would you get the music, please?
327
00:22:41,550 --> 00:22:42,550
Oh, that's hard.
328
00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:44,870
Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly.
329
00:22:46,510 --> 00:22:48,370
Oh, how sweet our song.
330
00:22:49,350 --> 00:22:51,730
Yes, I know. It says here, four,
romantic.
331
00:22:52,650 --> 00:22:53,650
Romantic.
332
00:22:57,250 --> 00:23:03,750
I guess you wonder why Felix asked you
here, right? Well, I had been planning
333
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,370
packing, but he said it was important.
334
00:23:05,690 --> 00:23:10,210
Yeah. Well, it's because he thinks you
are one great chick, and he would like
335
00:23:10,210 --> 00:23:12,190
you... What?
336
00:23:13,550 --> 00:23:18,670
No, I'm not going to do it. I don't
care. I don't care, Jose Greco. I'm not
337
00:23:18,670 --> 00:23:19,670
going to do it.
338
00:23:23,430 --> 00:23:24,150
I know
339
00:23:24,150 --> 00:23:40,390
it
340
00:23:40,390 --> 00:23:44,750
seems crazy to you, but Felix wanted
this to be a perfect night for you.
341
00:23:45,050 --> 00:23:48,510
A night that you'd remember forever.
That's the kind of guy you see. I
342
00:23:48,510 --> 00:23:51,870
known him a long time, but I know he's a
generous, thoughtful, loving guy.
343
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:56,060
And he would break his back to make
anybody happy. And he'd do anything in
344
00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,480
world to make you happy.
345
00:23:57,700 --> 00:24:00,000
See, I think he's kind of a special
person.
346
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,360
He thinks you're kind of a special
person. And I think together, you could
347
00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:05,360
special people.
348
00:24:05,740 --> 00:24:10,480
Gloria, I'm saying this so lousy, but...
Gloria, will you marry Felix?
349
00:24:10,860 --> 00:24:11,860
I'd love to!
350
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,580
So, Felix got his voice back in time to
say, I do, and that was it.
351
00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:40,360
Oh, Oscar.
352
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:43,300
I'm such a pushover for a love story.
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