All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s02e11

Oscar. Oscar.

Oscar, get up.

Get up.

I've got news for you. Get up. I've got
good news and I've got bad news. What

time is it? Eight o 'clock of a bright,
sunny morning.

What's the good news?

Get up. Get your clothes on. There's
someone here to see you.

Get up and see for yourself. An old
friend.

Someone very near and dear to you.

My bookie is here so early?

But it begins with B. So does bug off.
Felix, I'm not getting up for anybody.

Not even for Blanche? Not even for
Blanche. Blanche? My ex -wife Blanche

California? Yes.

Blanche is here? Yes. She came from
California. She's here. Tell her I'm not

home.

What's the matter? She has something to
tell you. I know what she's got to tell

me. Felix, I'm three months behind in my
alimony.

It's a lawyer with a tall, skinny guy
with a smile. She got me papers. They

stayed in New York. I subpoenaed
another. Why did you let her into one

the world? I didn't want to see us,
Blanche. My God, I don't... Hiya,

Nice to see you.

Hiya, Oscar.

Aw. Same old Oscar. Neat as a pen.

Wow.

It's like a stroll down memory sewer.

Same old blances, singing them, huh?

Well, I'll leave you two alone. No, no!

He was so excited, I didn't tell him the
great news.

What did you tell him?

I'm getting married again.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right.

But he also knew that someday he would
return to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

You little government. You're getting
married this afternoon.

I can't get it. I don't know what to
say.

Ah, come on. Say what's in your heart.
No more alimony.

Oh, no, honey. I'm happy for you, too. I
really am. Not really prepared for a

celebration. All I've got is some German
chocolate cake and muscatel.

Perfect if you're a Nazi wino.

Would you like some beer? Beer?

Who ever heard of beer for a
celebration?

How about coffee? Coffee for breakfast.
Now, why didn't we think of that?

Sit. Come on. Sit, man. Oh, thanks.

Well, tell us about your attendant.

Uh, how long have you known him? Oh,
Roger? Yeah. About three weeks.

Three weeks?

Yeah. 21 days.

Are you sure you're doing the right
thing, Black? Of course he's sure.

It's a whirlwind romance.

The guy sees what he wants and he takes
it. I like his style.

So, uh, tell us, where did he pop the
question?

At the Whispering Pine.

Hey, that sounds romantic.

Romantic? It's a motel outside of
Dayton.

Oh,

darling, we were having coffee in the
coffee shop. Forgive me, I thought...

no, no.

I thought so, too. So we ended up in the
coffee shop.

Well, uh... What first attracted you to
him?

He asked me out.

Good -looking?

No, but I've never been attracted to
good -looking men.

Well, I hope he has a sense of humor.
He's very nice. Now, let's get down to

business. How tall is he?

Five feet, four inches. Only five?

Napoleon was only five -four. As long as
he's tall enough to reach a wedding

finger, that's all it comes.

Use your napkin.

You're wonderful. I never got him any
further than his sleeve.

I don't get a real picture of him,
Blanche. What are his hobbies? What are

interests? Well, his big passion is
steam baths.

Is that something the two of you can
share, Blanche?

Oh, maybe they'll take a trip to Japan.

Get your feet off the chair.

Look at this.

Nagging in stereo.

So, when's the wedding?

At three o 'clock this afternoon.

Three o 'clock?

Mm -hmm.

And I gotta go.

Oh, listen, I want to look good and
lightly. It's an all -day job. You look

great, sure. Oh, thank you, thank you. I
want to tell you, the more I hear about

this Roger, the more I like him. I mean,
he seems like an individualist. He

doesn't follow the... You gotta be very
strong to take all those bans.

I really came to ask you to the wedding.
I'd like you to be there. Are you

kidding? Of course we'll be there. You
need a bridesmaid? I'll be a bridesmaid.

Felix?

All right. On condition that you let me
bake the wedding cake.

I'd love it.

Three o 'clock at the Wee Kirk of
Yonkers.

The Wee Kirk of Yonkers?

Don't blame me. His side picked it.

Bye. I wish you only the best, Blanche.
Thank you, Felix. Lord knows you didn't

get it the first time.

Here comes the bride.

He's going to let me keep my bread.

Oh, Felix, isn't it wonderful the way
everything worked out? Isn't this

marvelous? He's going to get married.
You're shaking your head the wrong way.

You're actually going this way to love
me?

What a boy, fella.

Oscar? What? May I say something? No,
nothing.

Nevertheless, I don't think it's going
to work out.

What? What don't you think is going to
work out? What? What? What? You heard

way she spoke about him. Is that the way
a woman talks about the man she's going

to marry?

What do you got against Roger? Steam
bands?

They have soap, towels, washcloths,
everything you put on your Christmas

love it.

The way she described him. She said he
was nice. Yeah, nice.

That's it. Nice. Well, nice is nice. Not
once was the word love mentioned. I

lived with her 12 years. Not once was
the word love mentioned.

Maybe you were never listening. Oh, not
stopping.

What are you looking for? Black.

Black. Black what?

What?

It's a black sap to match this one for
the winner.

Don't you care if Blanche is happy?

Of course I care. Don't you care if I'm
happy? Not as much as I care as if

Blanche is happy. All right, Felix.
Okay, she didn't say she loves him. I'll

it for her. She loves him. I could see
it in her eyes.

The guy's nice.

He's financially secure.

I love him. Then you marry him.

I'm telling you, she's happy. I know
Blanche. I know the mad Blanche, the

Blanche, the crazy Blanche, the sad
Blanche. I know her like a book.

What color are her eyes?

Go bake your wedding cake.

Gee.

Awfully big for a wee Kirk, isn't it?

Gives him a lot of room to Kirk around
him.

What have you got there? A present?

No, it's the divorce decree.

Just in case she forgot hers, I'm not
taking any chances.

Five -four. Looks clean.

Hello, sir. I want to congratulate you.
You're getting yourself quite a woman

there. Oh, I'm Oscar Madison, Blanche's
first husband.

Well, glad to meet you.

I'm Charles Parsley, the best man.

Ah.

Where's the happy bridegroom?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Well, he was supposed to meet her three
-twenty minutes ago.

I'll try to reach him. Yeah, do that.
Wait, you ain't got a dime? Oh,

there she is. Oscar, look how radiant
she is.

Congratulations. I'm not married yet.

Thanks for wearing a tie. Does it light
up?

Where's the bridegroom?

Is he here yet?

I hope nothing happened to him, but
don't worry.

I'm not worried. I mean, we'll find him.
He won't get away. I mean, we'll take

care of it, so don't worry.

Excuse me. Is this the three o 'clock
party?

We're the party. I'm Reverend Wright.

Right, Reverend Wright.

I have a message from the bridegroom.
He's at a steam bath at 41st and 5th.

Seems he stayed in a little too long and
nodded off.

I could take a couple hours to get here.
I just hope he's here by 3 .30. We have

a funeral at 4.

You mean on the opening act for a
funeral?

It pays the rent.

Where are you going?

I'm going to 41st and 5th. I'm fine. How
do you know him? I'll look for a short,

wrinkled man.

Now, sweetheart, you're going to be a
wonderful maid of honor. And please,

sweetheart, you're supposed to cry after
the wedding.

Am I intruding?

Oh, heavens, no. Come on in.

Hello. Oh, this is my maid of honor,
Judy Millhouse. And this is Felix Unger.

Hello, Judy.

Blanche, may I talk to you? Judy, do you
mind?

Oh, no. I'll be outside.

Yes, do you. You go and tie the cans to
the car and give out the ride and all

those things.

Oh, boy, she's never going to make it
through.

Judy a relative?

Not really.

Old friend?

Yeah, since yesterday when she sold me
this dress.

A sales clerk?

You've got a sales clerk for your
bridesmaid, Blanche? Oscar would have

better choice.

Well, it was either her or the
stewardess on the plane. I don't know

New York anymore.

Oh, Blanche, Blanche, Blanche.

Felix, what's the matter?

Where are you going on your honeymoon?

Any place except where Oscar took me.

Where was that?

To a hockey game between the Rangers and
the Red Wings where I got hit with a

puck.

May I ask you something, Blanche?

Yes, do you go right ahead.

You love Roger?

I like him. He's very nice.

He's tender.

Well, he should be after all those steam
battles.

love once with Oscar. I'm satisfied.

I like being married. The best thing
about being married to Oscar was being

married. You're an attractive girl,
Blanche. You must have many, many

opportunities.

Three in the last five years.

One was a militant hairdresser.

One was an obscene phone caller, except
he turned out to be a little too tall.

And one was a note tied to a rock.

Now, this is it. I'm going to marry
Roger.

I'll see if I'll skip the bank.

I may be a hopeless romantic, but to me,
love is not having a total stranger as

a bridesmaid or a husband.

Here's the group, Felix. I want you to
meet a terrific little guy.

How do you do? Yes, Felix, I'm a Mr.
Doctor.

You're a doctor?

No. That's my name, Roger Doctor.

Actually, I'm in milk. Milk, he's being
modest. A string of dairies upstate, you

know, cows and... Oh, my goodness, isn't
that impressive? Hello, dear.

Sorry I fouled things up.

All is forgiven.

I'll forgive him if you don't mind.

I forgive you, darling.

Well, if everybody's present, we really
should get on with the ceremony.

If I could have the bride and groom
right over here.

Look at this, I almost walked the last
mile again.

Sorry,

you just look so happy.

Maid of honor here.

Best man to that side.

Are you in milk, too?

No, I'm in yogurt. I take whatever goes
sour on Roger.

Everybody's ready. I'll start your
souvenir recording of the ceremony,

give you at no extra cost.

Testing, one, two, three.

We have gathered here today at the Wee
Kirk of Yonkers Chapel, just one mile

south of Yonkers Raceway, to join these
two in holy matrimony.

But before I pronounce the final vows by
the authority vested in me by the state

of New York, let me ask if there is
anyone present who knows of any reason

this couple should not be joined in
marriage.

Let him speak now or forever hold his
peace.

I object.

I'm just sitting here listening to the
number one record on my hip parade.

Listen, you're going to love it.

I object.

I object.

I object.

You like it?

The melody isn't much, but the words are
catchy.

My crazy sense of humor. Don't be angry.

I'm not objecting forever. I just want
to give them a couple of days to think

over. How do you interfere with two
adults who want to get married? It's

your business. It is.

I like Blanche.

I acted out a friendship for her.

Well, that's what you do with your
friends? Wonderful. I'm glad I'm not one

your friends anymore.

It never would have worked out.

Oh, tell me about a Mr. Expert on
marriage who's divorced and living with

slob.

Blanche doesn't love, Roger. Again with
love. Yes, again with love.

All right, tell me, what is love, dear
Abby?

What is love? What is love? Love is,
love is, love is two people running hand

hand through the fields with the music
playing in their...

They're running and they're running.
That's not love. It's a toilet paper

commercial.

So, Tori.

Love is that feeling between two people
and two... Well, it doesn't have to be

two people.

It can be a man and a dog.

It can be a child and a teddy bear. It
can be squirrels, bunnies.

I don't want to hear about squirrels and
bunnies. Tell me about Blanche and the

milkman.

but I can tell you what it isn't.

Love isn't he's so nice.

Love isn't spending the rest of your
life with someone whose main passion is

sitting in a towel somewhere and
sweating.

Oh, tell me what it isn't. Tell me what
it is.

Now that I know what it is, now I can
tell you what it is.

Love is that intense, vital, passionate
feeling one person has for another.

That's it.

Basically. Well, I have those feelings
for you, but I'm pretty sure it's hate.

understandably, because there are a few
dollars involved.

But you cannot deny to Blanche her right
to romance.

Romance. Marriage isn't enough for you.

That's right.

Romance. That feeling that you'd rather
die than be apart from the one you love.

That wonderful feeling of pain in your
heart when the one you love isn't there.

That ache when you're waiting for the
phone to ring.

That's romance. That's romance if you're
16 years old. Then I am forever 16

years old.

So is that fish.

The cook.

What are you doing? I'm watching TV.

Without doubt?

I don't want any doubt. Somebody's
liable to say I object.

What's that?

Seven brides for seven brothers.

That's a wonderful movie.

That is a wonderful movie. Seven
ceremonies, nobody's objected to it.

Blanche, Blanche, Blanche. Oh, Felix,
it's all right. It's your way. You're

a fun person.

I am not.

Hi, Oscar. Cheer up.

Roger and I have reserved the chapel for
tomorrow noon.

Ah, that's wonderful.

But first, we're going to have dinner
tonight to talk it off. You see, that is

sensible, mature decision.

Felix, go to your room.

I'm not a child.

I know you're not a child.

That child puts a smile on everybody's
face.

Now go.

I want to stay in here.

She's my ex -wife. I want to talk to her
privately.

Please, Felix.

All right.

Congratulations, Blanche. I hope
everything works out fine.

I'll be in my room if you need me.
Nobody needs you.

What am I going to do in my room alone?

Is that sound on?

No. Good. I thought I was going deaf.

Do you want a drink or something? No,
no, I can't stay long.

Well, what is it? I mean, is it on or is
it off?

Well, we'll see. We're going to talk
about it. So what's it for?

It's not his fault. He just wanted to
make sure that it was a marriage made in

heaven like ours.

Like ours?

It's a joke, Oscar.

Thousands of people in this state use
Madison versus Madison as a precedent

their divorce.

Well, we had fun in the beginning.

You kidding? We had a great year or two.

Two out of twelve ain't bad.

I figured the only reason you married me
anyway was because you had a bad arm

with your cronies eight to five and you
couldn't resist the odds.

I picked up a few hundred dollars. I was
going to marry any of you.

Can I ask you something?

Sure. Why did you let Felix get away
with pulling that stunt today?

I don't know.

It just happened.

Well, maybe you don't want to get
married again. Maybe you figure it's

ride the gravy train for a couple more
years.

What gravy train?

The Oscar Madison alimony train.

The Oscar Madison alimony train?

You mean the one that stops at every
corrupt game?

Oh, that's a great train, Oscar. You'll
never realize what a wonderful feeling

it is knowing that your alimony is
somewhere out there riding on a hard

Then why don't you get off my back and
marry the milkman?

I got news for you. At this moment, I'd
marry...

I think Shelly said it best.

I could lie down like a tired child and
weep away the life of care.

I think Babyface Nelson said it better.

What did he say?

You make one wrong move, I'm going to
kill you.

Well, gang, shall we have another go at
it?

I think so.

I know so.

Mr. Unger, I take it this time you'll be
able to control yourself?

My lips are sealed.

My heart is another story.

Well then, shall we proceed?

Kim, if you please.

My dear friend, we are gathered again
today to have another crack at

uniting in holy matrimony Lance
Jefferson Madison and Roger J. Doctor.

Before I pronounce the final vows, let
me ask if there is anyone present who

knows of any reason why this couple
should not be joined in wedlock. Let him

speak now or forever hold his peace.

Good. If I may have the ring, please.

I object.

Roger, if I look at it this way, I know
it hurts.

It was never meant to be.

Felix, I'm telling you, I'm not that
shocked.

Life is unpredictable.

One day it's butter, the next day it's
margarine.

Exactly. In fact, when you come right
down to it, I wish my first wife had had

friends like you and Oscar.

I would have saved half of my Holsteins.

No use crying over spilt milk.

I like you, boy.

Let's have a steam together sometime.

And now you.

I'm sorry, dear.

Words just came out. I don't know.

Oh, boy, am I glad they did. I didn't
have the guts for it.

You know, last night when we had that
fight? Yeah?

It brought back a lot of memories.

And a lot of them were bad, but some of
them were good.

I didn't like the hostility, but I liked
the openness. I need that in a

relationship. Me too.

Nothing to base a marriage on.

But when we fight, we're a couple of
heavyweights.

I'm a pretty tough lady, as you know.

You're pretty, but you're not so tough.

You're not.

Really not. And you're going to make
somebody a great wife, but don't

yourself. You've got to take the time to
find the right guy.

I found him, but Elizabeth Taylor won't
let him go.

You're a nice guy, Oscar.

I've got to go.

Roger's going to drive me to the
airport.

Maybe I can hijack the pilot.

Would you do me a favor? Anything.
Anything. What?

You know those little alimony checks?

I'd like to have them all by the 15th.

Bye, sweetheart.

Goodbye, Felix.

Blanche, Blanche, have a safe trip.

Thank you, dear.

Aren't you coming? I thought I'd wait
for the 2 -15 funeral.

Don't cheer me up.

Funny day, wasn't it?

Sad wedding and a happy funeral.

It was a nice funeral, though, wasn't
it?

Not the way I'd like mine, though. You
know what I would like?

I would like our regimental flag draped
across my coffin.

And then...

I hope this isn't pretentious.

I'd like it drawn by a team of white
horses.

While the band plays the Grand March
from Aida, because that's my favorite

opera.

I'd like it to go around and around the
cemetery three times.

What would you like?

I'd like to be there.