All language subtitles for the_odd_couple_s02e05

Oh, Oscar, I'm glad you're home.

Just leaving you a note. I've got to go
out on a job. I need a favor.

Can you wait, Felix? I need a beer in
the shower.

Or a shower and a beer. I'm going to
steal a beer in the shower.

Now he throws his nice jacket on the
floor.

Why must you carry food in your pockets?

Answer's starting to follow you home.

What's the favor, Felix?

All I want you to do is answer a phone
call for me. For who?

Angel Haven.

Angel. Hey, is that the big blonde with
the mole? No, it's the cemetery where

I'm getting my plot.

See, I showed you the brochure.
Cemetery? You gave me something from me,

No, no, no, no. I'm 100%. It's just that
I've been going around weekends looking

for a plot.

Just preparing for when my time comes. I
told you about this. Oh, that's where

you've been going, yeah. I thought you
were out vacuuming Staten Island.

I don't believe people should wait until
the last minute.

That's where we differ, buddy. I never
heard of a corpse complaining about bad

timing.

Aren't you forgetting something?

What? I was good enough to pick this up
for you. Thank you, Felix.

What do you say? Will you answer the
phone for me?

Hello? Yes, speaking.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. I'll be down
first thing tomorrow.

Oh, today.

Well, yes, I know there's a shortage in
eternal housing, but... Well, this plot

is just perfect for me. Would you hold
on a minute, please?

Oscar?

Oscar! What?

The cemetery's on the phone.

Tell them I'm not ready yet.

Oscar!

What? They say they've got to have a
cash deposit by four o 'clock this

afternoon. Somebody else wants my plot.

I've got to go down on a job. Will you
take it over there for me? Yeah, sure.

Oscar? My beer's getting soap in it,
will you?

Make sure it's plot 204 by the babbling
brook.

Babbling brook, don't panic.

I'll leave the money by the phone.

Hello? Yes. My friend Mr. Madison will
bring the deposit over today.

Yeah, right away.

Will $100 be enough?

Fine. Good, thank you. Oh, and remember,
plot 204 by the babbling brook. Yeah,

thank you. Bye -bye.

and I can't talk. I'm in the shower.

What?

Today?

What race?

Sure, I'm interested. Who gave you the
tip?

The horse?

Oh, the horse's trainer.

Wouldn't you know it? A short thing I
couldn't bet if I had to.

No. Why? Because I'm dead broke. That's
why. All I got is a hundred hours.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

Nah, nah, I can't do it.

No, sure I'd like the tip, but how am I
going to bet a man's burial money on a

horse race?

I know he's not going to die today.

Nah, I can't do it. Nah, I can't. I
just, I can't. Will you forget it? I

Well, don't hang up. Talk me into it.

What'd you say the odds were?

Ten to one?

Listen, what are the odds of my getting
some credit?

A thousand to one.

Listen, you know, it wouldn't be like
stealing, right?

I mean, I'm only borrowing it, right?

Sure, that's reasonable, right? I'm
going to return it on Monday, right?

Don't leave until I get the money to
you.

Look at this.

I forgot the money.

I thought you were going to take me to
lunch.

This is lunch, honey.

I got dressed up for a submarine
sandwich?

I'm sorry, honey, but I've got to watch
this race.

Holy mackerel. Hey, help me start the
macaroni salad, will you?

Oscar, you know, as a woman, I'd say
this isn't much of a date.

And as your doctor, I'd say it's a
disaster.

Don't worry, honey. If I win, I'll buy
some pig's knuckles.

Oh, I mean, if I win, I've got to win.
I've got $100 on this horse.

And at the fine turn.

In the lead, it's matchmaker and Uncle
Walter. That's my horse, Matchmaker.

It's Matchmaker and Uncle Waldo,
Matchmaker pulling away. Come on, hurry,

for me. I'm taking you to the Bahamas.

Bahamas? Yeah.

It's Matchmaker by a lake, Uncle Waldo,
Mermaid and Billy Boy. Come on, baby.

And coming into the stretch, it's
Matchmaker by two lakes. Yes, two lakes,

lakes. Matchmaker by three lakes. Three
lakes, three lakes. Matchmaker by four

lakes.

Matchmaker by four lakes.

Matchmaker by three lakes. No, four
lakes, he said, four.

Matchmaker by two lakes. Matchmaker by
four.

Don't turn it off, honey.

Here he comes.

Now you can turn it off.

Come on, Oscar. Put your head between
your knees.

What are you doing?

Phoenix was right. The ants did follow
me home.

I thought you was one of them $35
funerals.

This is just a little inside joke we
have.

You must be the groundskeeper.

Yeah, uh -huh, yeah.

Is this where you're going to work?
Yeah, yeah.

When the time comes. Well, it's a
beautiful location.

Thank you.

You know anything about my next -door
neighbor here?

Well, I don't know anything personal,
but he was the first cellist for the

Philharmonic.

Yeah, he's one of the main attractions
on our night of tours.

You have no idea how long I searched for
just the right spot, and now I've found

it. Oh, so serene and peaceful here.
Look at this lovely shade tree.

And there's the babbling brook.

Close enough to here, but far enough to
avoid seepage.

Look, I want to talk to you. I don't
know how to put it. What's the matter?

got troubles?

Yeah, I got troubles. That's why I want
to talk to you.

Money troubles?

Well, probably money, but that's not
all. Well, when you stop to think about

Is anything that important?

No, I don't... I don't think so.

Little troubles all seem to work their
way away.

I realize that now that I'm here.

Life's problems are pretty minor, after
all.

As long as you've got a place to come to
in the end.

You ain't got no place.

That's what I'm trying to tell you,
Felix. You're out in the cold.

I don't understand. You're not talking
about this plot. Yeah, somebody beat you

out of it. I didn't get down here with
the money and time and somebody else

copped your grave.

Copped my grave?

I don't believe this.

Well, it's true. So if you're going to
die, don't die here because they're

to have to move you.

Oscar, how could... This is like a
nightmare out of Charles Dickens. What

you do? Did you just forget?

No, I didn't forget. A better thing came
along.

A better thing? It only didn't come
along fast enough.

that lousy horse.

You didn't do this. Yes, I did, and I'm
terribly sorry.

He's sorry.

He bets my grave on a horse and he tells
me he's sorry.

Yes. You bet my eternal resting place on
a sweaty animal and you tell me you're

sorry? I am sorry, Felix. Look, if I'd
have won, you could have had two plots.

What do I want with two plots? What am
I, the fat man in a circus?

What do you want to say?

You can say this is the most
irresponsible thing you've ever done.

It's outrageous.

It's the most irresponsible thing I've
ever done. It's outrageous.

Well, you're just saying that.

You told me to say it.

You could at least have the decency to
apologize.

I apologize, Felix.

That's not going to get me back my
grave, is it? Boys, boys, please, please

it down. People are trying to rest here.

He had the short thing.

Now he's got me talking to Greg.

Come on, Felix. Come on out.

I won't even talk to him.

Mr. Twitchell is here from Eternal
Shores.

He's got a beautiful plot with a view of
the George Washington Bridge.

You know how much you admire George
Washington.

Tell him about our Rose Garden and the
Sunday organ concert.

Did you hear that, Felix?

They promised... you a rose garden and
an organ concert.

He's got a closed mind.

Did you tell him about our free parking
and the playground for children?

The only child around here is in there.

I'm sorry. Well,

at least they kept one of our free
calendars to remind you of our services.

We like to see our customers live while
they can.

number is on it if you should need us.

Hey, that's an interesting place to put
a phone number.

I saw

that,

Oscar.

Now you come out, huh? I didn't come out
to see you.

I came out to get some nourishment. I
can't die now.

Mr. Madison, I'd like to go to my
bedroom. Oh, come on, Felix, give me a

I've been running around town for four
hours. I've got 32 nice places for you

be. I had a nice place. I'll never live
to see a nicer one. I know you did, but

these are nice, too. Look, here's one
with a babbling brook. Huh?

Where's the shade tree?

I'll give you a shade tree as a going
-away present.

My coffee's getting cold. Oh, come on,
Felix, please. Oh, look at this.

Here's one with daisies and a picket
fence.

Here's one with a view of the Brooklyn
Academy of Music.

Oh, this one you're going to love. Look,
it's only a mile and a half away from a

broom factory.

Please. Have you got one with a view of
a racetrack?

Oh, don't be cruel, please. I might have
wanted to watch a vault.

A vault is ostentatious. Watch this one.

Why don't you show me this? It's got a
brook and a tree and a view.

Yeah, well, see, it's near a corner by a
wall. You can't be over four foot

seven.

Hey, Phyllis, they could put you in
diagonally.

Or you could crouch.

He's as much trouble dead as he is
alive.

Hi, honey. Hi, honey.

Listen, have you found a plug?

No.

Another submarine sandwich?

No, the same submarine sandwich.

I was talking to one of my patients. He
bought a plug. in the same cemetery and

he's willing to sell it. You talked him
into selling it? Well, with me as his

doctor, he knows he's going to live.

Yeah, Felix won't like it. Wait, now
wait. You haven't even heard about it.

telling you he won't like it. King Tut
was easier to bury than this guy.

Oscar is in the same area that Felix
had.

It is? Yes, only about five yards away.

You mean the same location? Same
location.

Same price? Same price.

What do you think? Do you think he'll
like it? He'll like it. He'll love it.

got friends or have you got friends?
Come on, we'll put a deposit down. Not

a minute. I want to look at it. What is
there to look at? It's the same view,

same tree, same dumb babbling. Would you
have some patience? After all, this is

forever.

What is he doing?

Who knows?

Practice.

not the same. The view is blocked by
Split Carson.

Who's Split Carson?

The bowling king of eastern Long Island.

He sure must have loved the game. I
never even noticed that. Well, how can

miss two bowling pins sticking up in the
middle of the cemetery?

I don't want to stare at that through
all eternity.

Come on, Felix. You won't see anything
once they drop you into the ground.

And 204 here's under this beautiful
shade. That thing's out in the blazing

Are you afraid you'll get a sunburn?

here that long, they're just going to
drop their flowers and leave.

It really is just as nice as that one.

No, it's not.

It's farther from the brook.

Look how low that is. When it rains,
I'll be in a puddle.

My suit will shrink.

I'll bury you in a raincoat.

Good morning.

Morning. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about
204.

So was I.

Well, this is a nice spot here, right
next to the captain.

Captain? Yeah. Oh, Captain Ed.

For 30 years, he was on the Hudson. He
ran one of them garbage scouts.

You're burying me between the captain of
a garbage scout and the king of

bowling.

Over here, I was next to a concert
cellist. He's on the guided tour,

Well, dig a tunnel you can visit.

I'll take it. No, now, you don't have
to. No, no, it's all right.

It's not exactly what I had in mind, but
it's good enough.

I guess I'm lucky to have anything.

I appreciate that, Felix. I know how
you... Well, honey, that's settled. At

least he'll take it. No. He said he
would. They don't know him like I do.

time he sees a babbling brook, he'll
start babbling.

Every time he hears organ music, he'll
start humming My Blue Heaven.

And whenever he sniffles, he'll remind
me how I loused up his eternity.

Not here. Back, back, back. It's like
living with a chicken.

I think I'll get back to the hospital.
Things are happier there.

No, honey, do me a favor, will you?

Take Felix back to the apartment. I got
an idea.

Just do it, will you, honey? Please, no
questions.

Split Carson.

Beloved husband.

Devoted father.

Never threw a gutter ball.

Would you just step into my office and
have a seat?

Thank you.

Now then, what can I do for you?

Well, I want to ask about a plot.

Ah, yes.

For yourself or a loved one?

Believe me, neither.

I just want to know who bought plot 204.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but that's...
privileged information, privilege for

this little box. We don't give that out
to the public.

Well, I can appreciate that, but I want
to help my friend Felix Unger. Oh, yes,

Mr. Unger. Very nice man.

Sorry to lose him.

Well, you don't have to lose him. Just
give me the name.

I'm sorry, sir, but it's a matter of
ethics.

Besides, the owner may be leaving this
earth very soon.

Well, maybe he'd like to make a little
profit before he goes.

I mean, he paid 500 for it. I'll give
him 750.

But you couldn't give him anything if
you didn't have his name.

Okay, okay, I'll double it. I'll give
him $1 ,000 for the plot. No.

You'll give him $750 for the plot. Oh,
thank you.

And you'll give me $250 for his name.

But that is... I know.

But the cemetery game is a jungle.

Okay, you've got a deal.

And you've got a name. And you've got a
nerve.

I think we're too late.

Maybe we'd better go.

Poor man.

What are you whispering about?

Mr. Bengstrom, we thought you might be
asleep.

I was, but that whispering woke me up.

Are you from the Oxygen Company?

No, no, no. We just came from Angel
Haven.

Angel? Oh, they do care.

Would you shut the door, please? There's
a draft.

You came for my measurement?

Measurements?

No, Angela Haven gave us your name. We
don't work there.

Oh. Did you wipe your feet before you
came in? I can't stand dirt. Oh, yes,

did. You didn't bring any pollen, did
you, Angela Haven?

Good, good.

I can't ask him that. Why? What's the
difference? I wish you wouldn't whisper.

I... I'm also...

Paranoid.

We're sorry.

What do you gentlemen want?

It's nothing. It's nothing.

Well, you want to come for something?

As a matter of fact... Be tapped.

I will be.

We want to buy your grave. My grave!

Forget it. I'm not selling my grave.

Some other jerk tried to beat me out of
it, but he didn't get his deposit in on

time. Oh, having that grave.

It's the only thing that keeps me going.

It's stuffy in here.

No offense intended, I assure you.

Does he seem familiar to you?

Never saw him before.

No, I mean, does he remind you of
anybody?

No.

If you don't mind my asking, Mr.
Bengstrom, what... What is it you have?

What's wrong with you?

I've got it.

What are the doctors saying?

Doctors? Ha! What do they know?

They say there's nothing wrong with me.
That shows you what they know.

Well, maybe they're right. Maybe there
isn't anything wrong with you.

Are you joking?

With all the disease in this world?

With the millions and billions of germs
right here in this room?

How could I be healthy? I mean, what are
my odds?

Are you sure he doesn't remind you of
somebody?

I had an uncle who had exactly that
coloring just before he passed away.

No, Felix. He reminds me of you.

I don't have to. It's because I've got
to go to the bathroom.

May we help you?

Help? No. Why?

You're limping. I am?

See? I predicted that.

Come on. Wait a minute, Felix. He's got
204. You've got 212. Try to switch.

Let him keep it.

Let him use it in good health. What?

I mean it.

Angel Haven can wait. Hello, life.

Do I really remind you of that?

beautiful day. The sky is blue. The
clouds are billowing. There's a feeling

spring in the air. There's no time to be
obsessed with graves and cemeteries.

That's depressing.

Guess what I bought?

A giant ant colony.

And in case you should marry Nancy or I
go back with Gloria, I can get more of

their open stock.

Aren't they wonderful, so modern and
neat? That's what I like best, the

neatness. What is yours?

That one.

It's for my ashes.

I'm giving you a head start.