All language subtitles for mary_tyler_moore_s01e05_keep_your_guard_up

How will you make it on your own?

This world is awfully big. Girl, this
time you're all alone.

But it's time you started living.

It's time you let someone else do some
giving.

Love is all around, no need to waste it.
You can have it down, why don't you

take it?

You might just make it after long.

You might just make it.

My fan club wants the answers to all
these questions.

I don't know why they want to know. I
mean, what possible difference does it

make what my favorite color is? I'm just
a guy.

Just an ordinary guy.

Well, I guess that's the way fan clubs
are.

Just had a couple of lucky breaks.

Well, okay, maybe a little extra this or
that.

Dash of charisma and then some style.

I don't know.

I'm just a guy.

Just a guy who happened to dig the
color... blue.

I was holding my breath there. There
were those of us who were betting on

Say, Mary, did you read any funny
stories on the wire that we can close

with tonight?

Uh, no, sorry.

Did you see any unfunny stories we can
close the show with tonight?

Nope. Did you hear any good jokes
recently?

What's my favorite dessert?

Honestly, I think I was some sort of a
god or something.

Baked Alaska.

Baked Alaska. Wait a minute. That sounds
a little airy.

Maybe I ought to make it a little more
substantial, like apple pie.

Are you saying that you're actually
going to lie about what your favorite

dessert is? I was just kidding.

Can't you tell I'm kidding?

A new social club in Minneapolis is
holding a branch meeting tonight. The

for divorced people only is called the
Better Luck Next Time Club.

Oh, it's so awful, it's great.

What's so awful about a club for
divorced people?

Come on, Mary, would you join us?

No, no, I wouldn't.

Murray, I wouldn't join it because, A, I
don't happen to be divorced, and, B,

I'm just not a joiner. But I think for
people who are, uh... Divorced joiners,

think that's the phrase you're looking
for. I think it's a good idea.

This thing about meeting like it's some
big mysterious thing is the easiest

thing in the world. Take Marie and me.
How'd you two meet? She saved my life.

Oh, no big deal. I was skydiving once.
My chute didn't open. Hers did. She made

a terrific catch.

Mary, I need your advice about
something.

Yeah, sure, Ted. Not that it's
important, but...

Do you think it sounds too risque for an
anchorman to say he sleeps in the raw?

Is that a snap?

Yeah, right, Mayor.

A snap.

I don't want a snap.

Hey, Mayor, listen.

Was that your idea to do that divorce
club thing on tonight's news? Uh, no.

Oh. Well, you know, I was thinking about
it and... Jod.

Yes.

We're of this good reason. We're not
divorced.

A technicality.

You think you actually want to lie about
being divorced?

You should forward.

Mary, you talk about it like I'm asking
you to deny your birthright. Like being

single's part of your heritage or
something.

I mean, it's a drag saying you're 30 and
single all the time. You know it is. I

know, I know.

Good, we're done.

And then, Mary, that ever -popular... a
question. How come a girl like you would

be married?

How come you're still single? You know,
sometimes, Rhoda, I think that I could

discover the secret of immortality and
people would still say, look at that

single girl discovering the secret of
immortality.

That is exactly what I'm talking about,
Mayor. Imagine the relief of not having

to go through that for once. You meet
someone.

You don't have to explain why you're not
married. You're divorced.

You know something, Rhoda? It really is
old.

But mostly it's crazy.

Mary, please get the mic from you.

I mean, dressing dummies in a department
store window is not the best way to get

into the social swim.

Let's face it, unless someone comes up
and kisses the glass, I've had it.

Rhoda, I am not joining a club for
divorced people, so you might just as

change the subject. Okay, okay.

My new subject is Paris, France.

You know that trip to Paris you've never
been able to afford?

There's this club theme here.

If you join and are a member for six
months, you can get a charter flight for

just $300.

$300?

That's right.

What's the club?

The Divorce People's Club.

Aha, that stopped you, didn't it? And on
top of that, Mary, you speak fluent

French. Spanish.

Ah, they speak anything in Paris.

The Left Bank.

Gene Kelly.

April in Paris.

Chestnuts in Blossom?

Okay, Rhoda, okay, I'll do it, but you
gotta promise me... We're just going to

walk in, get our membership cards, and
leave, right? Promise.

Right. Okay.

I'm going to change, shower, I'll be
down and meet you here for what, half an

hour? Okay.

Hey, Rhoda, do you know what I'm doing?
I am changing my clothes at 8 o 'clock

at night so that I can go to a club
where I'm going to lie about being

so that I can perhaps in a few months'
time end up in Paris speaking Spanish.

You too?

You're the 10th person who's told me
that today.

Hey, are you new here?

Uh, yes.

Are you interested in buying a house?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Right. Nice to meet you.

It's starting.

It's starting already. I hear these
little voices that are saying, get out

you can.

Is that what you are saying? My voices
usually tell me to go save France.

Oh, hi.

Welcome to the Better Luck Next Time
Social Club.

I'm Karen Norton. Your better luck next
time, registration gal. And this is Dr.

Walter Udall, our president.

And also your better luck next time,
registration guy.

Oh, and also your better luck next time,
resident dentist.

Madam, are you aware of the fact that
you have incredible teeth, young lady?

Brushing after meals, electric
toothbrush, sugarless gum. You're into

bag, right?

Yes, I guess so. Why do I even have to
ask? Good luck to you. Thank you. And

with that mouth, you won't need it.

Well, you came on a big night for
electing officers.

Well, fill out this application. Your
name, please.

Mary Richards.

Mary Richards.

And your maiden name, Mrs. Richards?

Uh, my, uh, who is?

Uh, Mrs. Richards, excuse me, Karen. You
know how I get.

Tell me, uh, did you have such beautiful
teeth even before your marriage went on

the rocks?

I beg your pardon? So often, after a
divorce, a woman suddenly decides to

herself up, you know, and naturally, the
first thing she thinks about is her

teeth and gums.

Well, uh, I can say as an objective
bystander that, uh... Mrs. Richard's

were as beautiful a day she married
Stefano as they are today.

Look, about those applications, could
Mary and I just take them and fill them

out ourselves? Certainly, if it makes it
easier, Mrs... Miss Morgenstern. Rhoda

Morgenstern. Miss Morgenstern?

He thought it was in the best interest
of the space program that I retain my

maiden name.

The program you were married to an
astronaut. Which one?

Oh, please, I'd rather not say any more.

You know how it is. Word gets out,
people start hitting you up for moon

Oh,

Rhoda, didn't you want to inquire about
the, what was it, charter, charter

flights to Paris?

Oh, yes, we're going to jot down the
names of those interested after the

meeting. But meantime, why don't you
just wander around, introduce yourself

some of the other divorce eds?

Unbelievable.

I knew this was going to happen, Melody.
We're going to be here all night.

Oh, come on. It's okay, dear.

Just a few hours. Now, just act natural
and try to look divorced.

Hi.

Hi, my name is Frances Franklin, but
everybody calls me Sparky. I don't know

why. I guess it's because all my friends
say I sparkle and bubble.

They say ever since I'm divorced, I'm
like another person, all sparkling.

That's why they call me Sparky.

Isn't that great?

in the Argyles is, hmm? Uh, no, we're
new here, so, uh... Hi!

You're new here.

My name's Roy.

This is my buddy, Hal.

How are you?

Roy, Hal.

I'm Mary.

This is Rhoda. And, uh, Sparky.

Oh, no, my real name is, uh, Francis
Franklin, but all my friends call me

Sparky. I don't know why. I guess it's
because I just sparkle and bubble all

time.

place, I mean, it's filled with losers.
It's up to here with losers that you

wouldn't believe. You know what I mean?

Nothing but losers. But if you really
want me to steer you clear from the

losers, just call on me because I can do
it for you. My name is Roy.

Roy. R -O -Y. That's it.

I'll talk to you later.

Sparky.

So long, Roy.

He's such a loser.

You know, you're the spitting image of
my ex -wife.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. Except she wore her hair up.

And how long have you been a member of
this so -called social club, may I ask?

Well, you know.

Yeah, if you had it on top of your head,
you'd look exactly like her. Just

exactly. Well, excuse me.

What? I said excuse me. I seem to be
interrupting something.

Oh, no.

Not a bit.

Let's try it, shall we?

Let's just put it up. You see now, that
looks terrible. So did she.

Yes.

Hey, you want to buy a... Yeah, you
know, could I ask?

Now, please.

What did you say your name was?

Mary. Want to split?

No, thank you.

Well, what did you come here for if you
don't want to leave?

I came here for the meeting.

Oh, the meeting. Yeah, well, what
about... What's her name? Hey, you want

Split the... Uh, no, I'm already
splitting with Roy.

We're going to take flashlights and go
out hunting for losers.

Well, if you change your mind, you know
where I'll be. Remember the name here,

too, right? Hal? You know, you might
want a tall one. You'll never know.

Leaving, going away, saying bye -bye to
the creepies. Mary, no more.

Mrs.

Richards, you're not leaving now, are
you? The meeting's just about to start.

There, you see, Mary, we can't go...

That's, uh, Freddy.

Freddy? Yeah, my younger brother.

Nice -looking boy, isn't he?

Not one filling.

Uh, wonderful.

Uh, Dr. Udall, uh, can you tell me when
we'll be getting to the, uh, charter

flights? Oh, well, we probably won't,
uh, be getting to that till next time.

Why? Oh, well, tonight's the night when
we each stand up and in intimate detail

tell all about what led to our divorces.

I, uh, I don't think that I can do that.
Why not?

Well, uh... Because the details were
sort of embarrassing.

Yes, humiliating.

Sordid, even.

Oh, really?

Well, then, you can go first.

Well, he said we could sign up for the
charter quite next week.

That is not what I'm upset about, and
you know it, Rhoda. The story of how you

got divorced? I think you did that
terrific.

It isn't that. either.

Well, now, just relax. We'll sit down
and talk, huh?

Hello?

Oh, hi, Phyllis. I was at my new club.

My new social club.

Oh, we in the club call it the Better
Luck Next Time Club because it's for

divorced people. You don't have to go
into that with her.

No, no, I'm not kidding.

How did you guess?

She said it was Rhoda's idea.

my dear.

Yeah, you're right, Phyllis. It makes
perfect sense not to go back. There's

one thing.

Due to the efforts of a dental admirer
of mine... Think of something.

I am the new vice president!

Mrs.

Richards?

Mrs. Richards, you just sit right down
here.

Well, I... Oh, I have been looking
forward to this ever since you called.

Did the nurse take your x -rays yet?
Yes, she did, even though I kept telling

her I didn't want to see you
professionally.

Oh, you don't mean you're going to call
the examination off? I canceled three

appointments to get you in.

Oh, well, no, of course I want an
examination, too.

Oh, goodness, you gave me quite a...
Quite a start there, I'm telling you. I

mean, to have that mouth in this chair
and not to get at it.

Okay. All right. When was the last time
you had your teeth examined?

Thursday.

Well, they say you should always get a
second opinion.

Mrs. Richard, you are one in a million.
You're a dentist's dream.

I, you know, may I? Oh, please. You
know.

You know, not enough people really care
about their teeth, or for that matter,

their gums.

Say, professionally speaking, I'm a gum
man myself.

Do you, by any chance, keep up with
gums?

Well, not any more than I've needed just
to get along.

Yeah, well, you might have heard lately
that teeth themselves are nowhere.

I mean, teeth are still teeth, God bless
them, but...

realizing the gums are where it's at.

I'd like to tell you something.

Oh, well, you don't have to feel self
-conscious with me. After all, I am a

dentist. Well, it's just that it's...
Well, it's so embarrassing.

Embarrassing? You don't know how much
you trust me already.

I do.

Oh, why, of course. How many strangers
do you know who you'd let put their

fingers in your mouth?

Dr.

Udall, I am... Not divorced.

Oh, well, here, you haven't got your
final degree yet.

I haven't even gotten married yet.

I'm single.

I know, it sounds terrible, but when you
have these charter flights to Europe,

and I know I shouldn't have... All
right, lean back. Let's get on with the

examination, please.

Dr. Udall, did you hear what I said? You
said nothing. This conversation never

took place. Mouth, please.

Uh, Mrs.

Rich... Oh, Miss...

Richards. Is that right? Your last name
is Richards. I had that coming. I know

it. You bit my probe.

Ms.

Richards, are you aware of what it's
like to place some unknown person's

nominate them against a club favorite,
the incumbent?

I like coming to.

I do. And you know, you're biting it
again. And you know who that incumbent

Miss Richard?

Yes, I do. My younger brother, Freddy.

I nominated you and you beat out my kid
brother.

You know how close I am to Freddy?

Pretty close.

Yes.

Until I nominated you.

And you have the nerve to sit there and
tell me you are single. All right. This

examination is over.

However, unless you wish to humiliate me
completely, you'll be at that meeting

next Wednesday. Is that clear? Yes, sir.
Yes.

There's only one thing, of course.

How am I going to get married and
divorced by next Wednesday?

Hurry.

I've been circulating.

I got bad news.

You know those two guys we met here last
week, Roy and Hal? Yeah? They're the

cream of the crop.

Oh, Rhoda!

Do you realize that in five minutes I
have to stand up on this stage and face

those people there and tell them the
truth?

I mean, I don't know how I'm going to
put it.

Take it easy, kid. Really, I know how
you feel. You can't imagine what you'll

say. But it seems impossible that it'll
turn out right. And then something just

kind of pops into your head? No, you
usually just stand up there and bomb.

Oh, Rhoda!

Jesus, the divorce is coming.

So anyway, in this dream, well, it was
really kind of peculiar, but I dreamt I

was with somebody who looks exactly like
you.

How does it feel to be elected vice
president?

Well, it feels like I'd like a recount.

Anyway, in this dream, this person that
looked exactly like you was so

wonderful, and we were having such a
really great time.

Just kidding. Yes, and I asked him to
come home with me.

What? Oh.

In my dream, you know, I asked him to
come home with me. Cookie, huh?

Cookie, you want a split?

I'll get a little six -pack and, uh,
huh?

Okay, let's go sit down and I'll tell
you about the rest of my cookie dreams.

Yeah, tell me all of them.

Uh -oh, bad news.

Hello, Miss No -Name.

Hello, Dr. Udall.

That's my brother, Freddy, the ex
-incumbent.

I just assumed you didn't meet.

You know, I really feel just terrible
about all this.

Yes. Oh, by the by, I did, I got you off
the hook.

All you have to do is confirm my story
by announcing to the others, the

others, that you've reconciled with your
husband.

Gee, Mary, that's great.

Here's hoping you and Stefano make it
this time.

Oh, incidentally, you're not paid for
yet. X -rays came back today.

You have a cavity.

And I'm not going to tell you where.

Now you don't have to tell the truth.

That's terrific.

Yeah, it's terrific. All I have to do is
just get up there and lie again. A

little more practice, I might get very
good at it.

Mary, we'll start the meeting now.

Now, in a little while, I'll have news
about our Tuesday night where it's at

Excursion to the Hippie Quarter.

But first of all, we'd like to have a
word from our brand new Vice President,

Mary Richards.

I guess that I'll just make it short and
sweet.

As you may have heard, I am reconciling
with my husband. So it turns out

that I can't be your Vice President any
longer.

But you've all been just lovely, and I
want to thank you. So, thank you.

Hey, didn't you just get elected last
week? Hey, didn't you just get elected

last week?

Yes, I was.

Listen, I think that's lousy. Very
lousy. You're planning a reconciliation,

we all get together. Order.

Order. I didn't plan the reconciliation.
It just happened.

how often these reconciliations work
out. Hardly ever.

So I say, um, let's let her stay, Vice
President, until she sees what happens.

That makes sense to me. I think we
should all get together, have a little

No, no, no.

No vote. No, no, because it's a lie.

It is, you know, it's a lie.

I am not divorced. I was not even ever
married.

and it just didn't seem so bad at the
time, lying, you know, to a club, but it

turned out that I was lying to people,
and I'm sorry, and I just wish that

someone would say something.

I think that's a lousy thing you did.

eligible either.

So if you cast a stone at this poor
unfortunate, cast one at me too. Miss

Morgenstern. Okay, okay.

Roy Vickerson, age 33.

Single.

Now, I don't know why I did it. Well, I
couldn't help myself.

I mean, the young Republicans, the young
Democrats, they were such losers.

cookie person I am.

Richie Rader. I'm not married. I never
even went steady.

Anybody want to start a new club?

Boy, you sure know how to clear a room.

The only ones who are really divorced
were Mrs.

Norris, Dr.

Udall, and his brother.

You can't blame the man for hating you.
He shot his whole club out from under

him. Hi.

Hi.

What happened to your date with Hal? We
never got out of the parking lot. We had

an argument over whose car to take.

His was a camper.

What are you girls doing tonight? I feel
like doing something really crazy and

kooky, huh?

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't feel up to
kooky. Or crazy.

You know, I had a... another dream last
night. It was all about teeth.

It was a beautiful day and there... I
was and I was surrounded by all these

dazzling teeth and there were soft,
dental floss clouds in the sky. Hello,

Udo.

Would you care to go next door for some
punch? Oh!

Did they have punch?

No.