All language subtitles for jailbait 2004

No.

Stop.

Don't worry.

You'll get used to it.

The place kind of grows on you.

Is your bed over there?

What you mean?

Oh, yeah, it's a book called Journey to
the End of the Night.

French guy, Salim.

I never heard of him.

Yeah, well, I hate the fucking French.

You know, a bunch of smelly, pompous
little fucks. What they are.

Anyway, what's your name?

What's your fucking name?

Um, Randy.

Randy?

Well, uh, it's nice to meet you, Randy.

I'm Jake.

It is, isn't it?

What's it about?

The book?

Yeah.

Humanity.

Humanity? Yeah, humanity. You know, like
about human beings and shit?

It's about people.

Real people and their struggles.

Trials and tribulations.

War, poverty, compassion, love.

Murder.

It's about everything, man.

It's about the fucking truth is what it
is.

Hey, uh, speaking of murder, uh, what
are you in for, kid?

What brings you to my humble abode?

Oh, I never, uh... What?

No. Probably ready. What? What is it you
never did?

I didn't murder anybody.

No? No.

Never thought about it?

Never thought about just killing some
motherfucker?

Not really, no.

Well, wait, which is it?

What do you mean?

Well, is it not really?

Like, you know, nah, I never actually,
like, premeditated the act, purchased a

murder weapon, planned an escape route,
or is it no?

You know, I never even thought about it,
like, you know, even once in my life.

That one.

That one? Yeah.

You sure about that?

Yeah. Yeah?

You said yes.

Well, I mean, I ain't buying it.

Everyone's thought about it, man.

Everyone's thought about fucking killing
some motherfucker sometime, man.

You know, I'm not saying it's a bad
thing. I'm just, you know, I'm saying

don't got to lie to me about it. That's
all.

Don't lie to me about it. It don't make
no sense to lie.

You see what I'm saying? Because, you
know, just the two of us here, you know,

for a while, for, uh, how long, man? How
long you got?

How long do I... What was your sentence?
What did they give you?

25.

25?

Yeah, I was sentenced to 25 years.

That's not bad.

Not bad at all.

And 25 years comes to an end.

Hey, it eventually does come to an end.

You know, it's not like they give you
life or nothing, huh?

Life, no parole?

That shit?

Never comes to an end.

That's what I got.

Life, no fucking possibility of parole.

You're lucky.

You get out of here someday.

I won't.

Jesus.

That kind of a bitch, isn't it?

Hey, if you don't mind me asking, what'd
you do?

Oh, nah, man, nah.

I don't mind that at all.

I killed my wife.

Killed you? Yeah, with a slit of throat.

Jesus. What?

No, nothing. You slit your wife's
throat?

Yeah, I slit her throat with a big old
cutlery knife

from a set that we got at our wedding,
actually, you know,

as a gift.

Jesus.

Hey, man, I didn't really have a choice.

I mean, we took a vow, right?

You know, set our vows in the Catholic
church.

Set our vows in front of God, for
Christ's sake.

You know, till death do us part.

Till death do us part.

Three months later, fucking some other
guy.

Three months.

Some guy, someone.

attorney or some shit.

Three months after saying till death do
us part, this shit happens.

She parted.

She died.

Simple arithmetic.

You gotta understand something. I love
that woman.

Loved her with every cell in my body.

Every feeling I had, I had it for her.

But I didn't really have a choice.

And I still love her.

Yeah.

What do you think about that?

So... Your turn.

What'd you do?

Um... I painted the words fuck you on my

neighbor's car.

Excuse me?

No, I mean, my neighbor, he called the
cop. A couple days earlier, I had some

people over in my apartment.

My neighbor, he called the cops because
he said it was midnight and we were loud

and people were singing and making
noise.

So he called the cops on us.

So what?

He called the cops, so a couple days
later, I got a can of spray paint, and I

spray -painted fuck you on his fucking
car. So fucking what?

Well, no, I mean, I also... It was
really stupid. I randomly sprayed inside

car all over the seats after I broke his
window.

So who cares? You painted his fucking
car.

It was a Mercedes.

What did you really do? Don't bullshit
me over here.

I'm telling you the truth.

What, this is the truth?

You painted a car?

I told you, I'm not a liar. I'm telling
you the truth. It was a really nice car.

It was a Mercedes, and it was brand new.

The paint job and the seats to cover
what I did to fix it cost over $5 ,000.

Well, if it's over five grand, then it's
a felony.

You raped someone, didn't you?

No.

Didn't rape anybody.

You painted a car?

It was my third felony.

So why didn't you just say that in the
first place?

I was trying to. Well, yeah, maybe you
should have tried a little harder.

You know, it's just a thought.

Don't take it personal.

Okay.

Painted... Fuck you in a neighbor's car?

Well... Good,

then.

It's good they got you.

It's good they got me?

Yeah, well, you fucked up, didn't you?

Yeah, but it was just... I mean, you
knew you had two against you, right?

I mean, you got a fucking brain in that
head of yours or what?

Fucking with some guy's car like that?

Then bitching to me because he got what
you had coming?

I mean, you fucking deserve to be here,
man.

You knew the law?

You should have left this shit alone.

You killed your wife,

Jake. Right, I killed my wife. That's
what I did.

You're correct. I'm glad you're
listening. But the point is...

You don't hear me bitching about being
here, do you?

I knew what I was going to get.

I knew what I was going to get ahead of
time, and I still went ahead and did it

anyway. I waited for the fucking cops.

I didn't have a choice.

But you did.

You had a choice.

You come here bitching about it now,
it's too late.

You know, so the guy broke up your
party. You know, poor baby.

You got two on file.

And then go messing with some innocent
guy's shit.

It's ridiculous.

Yeah, I guess I wasn't thinking
straight.

I guess not.

Anyway.

Too late now.

Right?

None of that spilt milk shit now.

Huh?

What can you do?

Yeah.

The way I look at it, you're where you
ought to be.

I mean, that's why they got courts, laws
of society, and all that other shit.

You see what I'm saying?

I mean, that's why they have that shit,
right?

You see?

You see what I'm saying?

Huh?

Kind of.

Well.

Anyway.

So, uh, what were the other two?

Hmm?

The other two, what'd you do?

I got caught with pot a couple times.

Must have had a lot of it.

Yeah, it was over an ounce each time.

About a pound, actually.

Once at my high school graduation, my ex
-girlfriend told the cops I had it in

my locker.

My first girlfriend.

We had just broken up, and she knew I
had all this weed in my locker for the

graduation party. That's where we were
going to go.

And she was pissed at me for breaking up
with her, so she reported me.

I punched this new dude that she was
with, and the cops came.

I'm not a terrorist.

What is the other one?

Me and a buddy of mine got caught with a
bag coming back from Arizona.

We got pulled over for a broken
taillight, and there was an empty beer

the ground.

The cops searched the car, and they
found a pot in the glove compartment.

Yeah, but I can get you a pot in here if
you want.

You know, pot, junk.

Ecstasy, crystal, blow, whatever you
want.

That's right.

No, just, you know, keep it in mind.

Yeah, thanks.

Just try to help.

Like I said, you know, 25 years, it
eventually

does come to an end.

You just think of it that way.

Read a lot.

Do a lot of reading.

They got a pretty good library here. You
just fucking read everything and get

your hands on.

I don't really like reading.

Well, you better fucking learn to like
it.

Only thing you can do is educate
yourself in this place.

I've never been a big fan of educating.

You can start with this one.

Ask the Dust.

John Fonte. John Fonte, man.

Okay. Pretty good stuff for a day,
though, man. Adventures of Arturo

Who?

Arturo Bandini.

Greatest character ever written.

You read it, and you see what I'm
talking about.

Arturo Bandini?

What's that about?

About some guinea falls in love with a
Mexican bitch.

Ain't gonna tell you how it ends.

Don't want to spoil it for you.

Yeah.

Thanks. Yeah.

Oh, and write letters.

Write a lot of fucking letters.

Everyone you know, everyone you ever
met.

Even people you haven't met.

Read and write.

Don't worry about the arithmetic.

Yeah.

Yeah, thanks, Jay. Hey.

convention.

Hey, uh, hey, Randy.

Will you do me a favor real quick?

See that towel on the sink over there,
the wet one?

Can you hand that to me real quick?

The dry one's yours.

You want me to... Yeah, just grab it for
me if you could.

Yeah, all right.

Thanks, buddy.

Hey, Randy.

Here.

Put this back on the sink there for me.

Put it back on the sink.

Put it back for me, if you would.

Sure, all right.

Thanks, buddy.

Thanks.

I said thanks.

You're welcome.

There he is.

Top of the morning to you.

What are you sleeping on the ground for,
kid?

Huh? You know, the beds aren't exactly,
uh, what do you call it? Top of the line

luxury comfort or nothing, but, uh, you
know, it's the only one you got. You see

what I'm saying?

It's better than the fucking floor, for
Christ's sakes.

Anyway, uh, how'd you sleep?

First night's the toughest.

It will get easier from here.

Exercise.

It's another good thing to start doing
while you're in here.

Read, write letters, and exercise.

Don't count the days.

Don't worry about the arithmetic.

No matter what you do, no fucking
calendars, man.

Just one day at a time, huh?

Like some fucking age. Hey, kid.

Why are you so quiet, huh?

What the fuck's the matter with you?

You're not pissed at me, are you?

Huh?

You have no reason to be pissed at me.

What is it, huh?

What, are you just not one of them
morning type people, huh? Because, you

either of mine usually tell you the
truth.

Hey.

Man, come on.

What's this silent demon shit about,
huh?

You're in a joint. That's bad because
you fucked up with the guy's car. Get

it.

You can't mope around for the next 25
years, can you?

Come on. Get out of your funk.

Ain't gonna be no fun that way now, is
it?

Is it?

Come on.

We're roomies now.

Better get along, for Christ's sake.

At least just a little.

Huh?

Better get along?

Hey! I'm sorry.

What? I'm sorry.

You don't gotta apologize to me about
anything.

You just have to talk to me.

That's all.

Hey!

Because it's good for you.

And for me.

It keeps you from feeling you're fucking
solitary, okay?

Okay?

Yeah, well, what the fuck, huh?

That's the way it fucking goes in here.

And then whenever I want...

Whenever I want, that's what I'm going
to do.

Hey, kid.

Let me ask you a question.

What's the best piece of ass you ever
had?

Perfect tits, pussy, whole deal, best
one ever.

That's right.

It's hard to say, am I right?

Then tell me the fucking best, huh?

I mean, that's a goddamn difficult thing
to do.

But the worst, huh?

The worst fuck of all time?

I mean, that one's easy.

Everyone, every fucking guy I ever knew
could tell me about the worst fuck he

ever had. What's yours?

Come on, man. Everyone's got one of them
nights time ain't gonna erase.

What's the worst fuck he ever had?

All right.

I'll go first.

We're up in San Jose, right? Me and a
buddy. You ever been up to San Jose?

Fucking crap town. Anyway.

So we're in San Jose, you know, we're
all fucking liquored up and shit, you

know, drinking 40 after 40 of fucking
Magnum, Old English, you know, whatever

you got in fucking hands.

King Cobra, whatever.

So we're all fucked up, you know, in the
alleys, fucking paper bags, 40s, chain

and reds. Fuck it.

Let's go shoot a game of pool, right?

So we go to this fucking place, you
know, fucking Gus's, Russ's, some shit,

fucking dive, right?

A couple of scotches, barkeep, you know,
boom, boom, boom, knocking shit back,

right? You know, a couple of bums, few
rummies, old hag in the corner, that's

about it, right?

So I go look over at the pool table,
right?

You know, my eyes are all fucking
bloodshot, you know, fucking trouble

in my fucking stool, you know, hands
shaking, trying to light a fucking

you know, I'm feeling fucking perfect,
right?

So anyway.

Over at the fucking pool tables, there's
this fucking shit. Gotta be fucking

250, 275 -pound Negro bitch, right?

With a little red skirt and a fucking
matching halter top, right? Fucking

folding down, hanging her fucking knees,
for Christ's sake, right? And she's

staring at me, right?

Staring at me with these, you know, fuck
-me eyes, right? Yeah, I mean, it was

all I could do to keep from fucking
laughing, you know? But I smile, you

smiling on the way to laughing. And she
smiles back.

Right? And then she starts to, like,
wiggle. You know, like, you know, like

thinks it's going to be sexy or
something, you know, like a stripper.

believe me, the shit ain't sexy, and she
ain't no fucking stripper.

Actually, she invited me to this fucking
porno magazine I seen once in Times

Square. It's called Knocked Up Black
Mama, right? Full of these fucking big

black pregnant bitches squirting milk
out their nipples.

Anyway, so this bitch, and I love black
women. Normally, I really do, but I

mean, this fucking big nigger, she's
like something I've never seen before,

right? So anyway, I smile at her. She
smiles back, right? And then she fucking

mouths, right? Across the fucking bar,
right? She mouths the words. I swear,

guys, it's fucking true. She just goes,
I love you, right?

I fucking swear on my wife's grave. So
I'm like, fuck it. I just go,

I love you too, right? But only mouth
and I didn't say it. I just said it to

you, right?

So anyway, I'm with my fucking friend
Tony, right? Fucking black Tony, a

great guy. He comes see me like once a
month up here, right? So I'm with Tony,

right? And he's tanked, you know, I'm
fucking tanked. And all of a sudden I

around, my friend can't see Tony
anymore, right?

Look around the corner, and I see this
motherfucker groping this damn near

fucking twin of the bitch that I'm
mouthing I love you to, right? Only

white, right?

Fucking same skirt, same halter top,
belly folding down, tits all directions,

right? So anyway, long story short,
right? We all go back to this fucking

hotel, rat hole place, right? Around the
corner from the bar, right? They're

best friends, right? We're best friends.
You know, giggle, giggle, giggle.

You're so cute. You have nice eyes.

You know, whole fucking deal, right?

So anyway, as soon as we get inside,
right? I mean, as soon as we fucking

the threshold, fucking the white one,
the fucking Shelly Winters looking

on her knees, fucking smoking ponies
pole.

Right? Right?

I mean, fucking, as soon as we get
inside, right? So I'm like, hey, Bertha,

fucking Tasha Neesler, that's a fucking
name. Hey, Jemima, come on, step into my

office because, you know, Uncle Jakey's
mood costs a little privacy here, okay?

So we go into the fucking bathroom and I
plop myself down on the ball, fucking

whip it out, you know, and I'm like,
hey, why don't you do a little strip for

me?

I mean, this bitch is fucking
disgusting.

I mean, fucking repulsive.

So I'm sitting there and watching. I'm
thinking, my God, Jakey, what a fucking

story this is going to be.

You know, because I mean, sometimes you
got to do things for the story the next

day instead of the present moment. You
know that shit, right? So anyway, I'm

fucking sitting there yanking myself.

And this bitch starts to take her
fucking top down, right?

And Randy, I swear to fucking Christ,
this fucking nigga has fucking hair

on her nipples.

Like this fucking long, right?

You see what I'm saying? A good six,
seven inches at least, right?

And I'm thinking, oh, what do you think
I'm thinking?

No guesses?

Am I thinking, my God, Jakey, what the
fuck are you doing with this gargantuan

hog of human lard?

No. Am I thinking, oh, this is kind of

sexy. This is sort of...

Kinky in a weird kind of big fat black.
No.

I'm thinking, Jake, this is going to be
the worst fuck of your entire life.

Right? I mean, it ain't going to get any
worse than this. Right? I mean, this is

the fucking abyss. You know? And I'm
sitting there and I'm thinking, my God,

Jakey, what a fucking story this is
going to be. And this shit goes straight

my fucking theory on why I would fuck
George W. if I had a chance.

You know what I'm saying?

Huh? I mean, do you follow? That's why I
fucked George W.? Picture this,

if you will.

You come home, right, from fucking
school, work, fucking girlfriend,

right? Come home, go into your bedroom.

You look on your bed.

There's fucking George W., right? George
fucking, I'm the president of the

United States, W.

He's lying in your bed, fucking naked.

Right? His fucking ankles are in his
hands. And he's going, fuck me, Randy.

Fuck me like the little baby bush bitch
that I am.

Come on.

What do you do?

Huh? Randy? You fuck him?

It's only hypothetical.

Ah, of course you'd fuck him, man. You
have to. He's the fucking president of

the United States, for Christ's sakes.

Man, no one could top that shit. No one.

I mean, you'd fuck him even if you
didn't want to fuck him. You want to

why? I'm going to tell you why.

Randy, there are six billion people on
this planet.

Six billion.

And you would be fucking number one.

You know? I mean, every single story
you'd ever hear, every single one, you'd

sitting back listening to, yeah, I'll
see your twins and I'll raise your

-daughter combo. Oh, yeah?

I'll see your mother -daughter combo.
I'll raise your triplets.

Blondes. I'll raise you the entire
Dallas Cowboy cheerleading staff.

You be sitting there listening to that
shit and you're fucking sitting pretty

with a royal fucking flush suit of
spades.

I fuck the most powerful human being on
the planet.

Right? So you motherfuckers better just
fold because my arms are getting tired

from raking in all your fucking cashes.
What you be sitting there saying?

You'd have to fuck him. He's the
president of the United States, for

sakes. No one could pop that shit.

I guess, yeah.

It doesn't mean you're queer.

I mean, if that's what you're worrying
about... You know, I mean, look.

Take Jack Kerouac, right?

Kerouac used to get fucking blowjobs
from Ginsburg all the fucking time.

He wasn't a fucking queer.

I mean, you know about that shit, right?

Who is he?

Kerouac.

Jack Kerouac. He's a writer.

Actually, he's more of a fucking typer,
really, but, yeah.

Anyway, the point is that Kerouac,
right, he used to come back from the

fucked up, and he used to ask Ginsburg,
suck my dick, right?

And Ginsburg did it, because, I mean, he
was a fucking homo, what the fuck, he

care, right? But the point is that this
don't necessarily make old Jack Kerouac

lighten his loafers, right?

He's just horny and shit, huh?

See, being a fag, it's all up here, man.

You know, it's in your fucking head.

You know, fucking Jack Kerouac's
probably thinking of some blonde bim

so it's okay.

You get me?

It's the thoughts that make you a
fucking faggot, man, not your actions.

I mean, look, you could be fucking
Claudia Sheffer, Elle Macpherson, right?

whole lot of them fucking supermodels,
right?

But if when you're fucking jerking off
or slamming one of them fucking swimwear

girls, you're thinking of dudes, well
then, yes, you're fucking queer to the

degree. You see what I'm saying?

Huh?

Do ya?

Yeah, but with George Bush... Ah! Fuck
it. It's not important.

Anyway, this fucking black bitch, right,
had this hair on her fucking nipples,

right? You know? So I'm thinking...

What the fuck must be under her skirt?
This is not a fucking thing, right?

Right? So she starts to fucking slowly
fucking wiggle out of this fucking

right? Fat just fucking shaking all over
the place, you know? Fucking tits down

her fucking navel, like fucking little
titty hairs fucking tickling her fucking

knees, right?

So she starts pulling this fucking skirt
down.

And Randy... I swear to God, it's
fucking unbelievable.

But this fucking bitch...

What's that?

Oh, it's mealtime.

Oh, you're gonna fucking love it.

Some scampi apple strudel will hold you.

Filet mignon.

Come on.

No, we will, uh, tell the rest of the
story over loud. Yeah.

Come on.

Come on, come on, get up. We gotta go.

Oh yeah, you gotta tie the bottom part
up a bit.

What? Tie the bottom part up, man.

I'll do it for you.

What are you doing?

I just gotta tie the bottom part up a
little.

Now you, you pull it firm so, uh, you
know, it don't come undone.

What? Secure it.

Like this?

No way.

You don't have to keep doing it.

All right.

All right, good.

All right.

That's how I want you to wear it from
now on, all right?

You want me to wear it?

Yeah, that's how you're gonna wear it
every day from now on.

But... Wait.

You got some kind of problem with that?

So let's go eat.

When did this bitch pull down her skirt,
man?

You gotta hold my hand.

What? My hand, Randy. You gotta hold my
hand.

I told you to take my hand. Take my
fucking hand.

Like that. Good.

I'm gonna lose that guy.

Come on, let's go in.

Just get up against the wall a second,
man.

Could you undo my...

I decide that you're done before you're
done.

Then I'll come in and get you and tell
you that your time is done.

I think it's best.

I recommend that you know you're done
before I do.

All right?

I'm going to close the gate. You put
your hands through the bars. I'll uncuff

you.

I'd take the Super Bowl for you. It was
a great game.

I thought you might want to watch it.

But they said they didn't have a VCR on
the cell.

No.

I also baked you some cookies for you
and your... What's your roommate's name?

Or... Your cellmate?

Because you can tell them that I'll
remember them next time, okay?

Yeah, I will tell them that.

Okay.

God,

this is so bad. Can you hear me?

Yeah. You can? You can hear me? Yeah.
Are you sure?

You can hear me all right?

Yeah, can you hear me?

Hello?

It's not that far away.

So what's your cellmate's name?

Taylor.

Taylor?

Hmm.

Is that his first name or his last name?

It's his first.

You don't talk to him? You don't know
what his last name is?

Well, I don't... I mean, I don't really
know him that well.

He's given me some books to read.

Some books?

Maybe I'm gonna bring you some books
next time, okay?

A thriller, maybe.

Tom Clancy writes good books.

Writes spy books.

I've never read them, but your dad liked
them.

Yeah.

I'm gonna bring you some books next
time, okay?

Yeah.

Fucking cookie.

I'll still be a young man, you know?

I know.

Okay. Give me a kiss.

I'm not staying around you longer.

You're not gonna let me out of here
myself.

Be a good one, okay?

What do you tell her about so important
in your letters?

Tell her about me and all?

Do I have to tell you what I write
about? No, that's your business.

Just trying to have a conversation.

Trying to have a little friendly
conversation.

That's all.

Oh, come on.

Just wondering, that's all.

You know, I...

I'd mention you if I still wrote, you
know? I'd tell her about you.

You don't write to your mom anymore?

No, never.

Why not?

Because I don't.

Yeah, but why?

Why don't you?

Because it's none of your fucking
business.

How's that, huh? You like that fucking
answer?

That's fucking why.

She's going to disappoint you, your mom.

I promise you she will.

Or rather, her disappointment in you is
going to start showing in her letters

back to you.

I guess she keeps writing it all, and
that's all I'm saying.

She's not disappointed in me.

Kid's doing 25 in a can. She's got
bumper sticker reads, I'm the proud

a three -time felon. Could I just write
who I choose? Is that too much to ask?

Hey, look, man.

Like I said before, I'm just trying to
help you out.

That's all, you know?

Like, I've been here.

I see what happens.

I'm just saying, you know, change it up
some if you want, you know? Friends,

strangers, whoever.

You got a lady friend out there, kid?

Not anymore.

Why, because you're in here?

Yeah, because I'm in here.

You're getting out of here in 25 years.
It's not like you're fucking in here

forever or nothing.

Oh, sure, Jake. She's going to wait
around for me. Is that what you want her

do, wait around for me? That's what you
want her to do. I ain't got a whole lot

better than this.

I'm in here for 25 fucking years.

I don't give a fuck. You're in here
fucking forever, man.

If she loves you, she waits.

I don't give a fucking motherfucking
Manson, Richard Ramirez, the fucking

Menendez faggot. They get fucking love
letters, marriage proposals every day

from women they never even met, let
alone were fucking before they were set

And they fucking killed people.

You know, all you did was act like a
dumbass.

Just saying.

If she loved you, really loved you, time
would not be an issue.

Fine, then maybe she didn't love me,
okay?

Yeah, well, then, if that's the case,
what are you getting all worked up

huh? What are you supposed to do, stay
up all night fucking quilting sweaters,

huh? Buying her time for someone she's
not even in love with?

What kind of sense does that make?

I'm going to get back to my letter now,
if that's all right with you.

Hey, you're the man, kid.

Don't let no one tell you different.

Thank you.

De nada.

I would have married my mom if I had a
chance.

And she's younger.

Not related to me.

Definitely would have married her.

She wouldn't have cheated on me. That's
a damn shot.

That's a perfect woman I'm talking
about.

Hey, kid.

You know what I just thought of?

Remember that black chick I told you
about up in San Jose?

Randy, you remember that?

Huh? The shit about the black chick? You
know, the bitch up in San Jose that I

told you I fucked? You remember that
shit?

I remember.

Yeah, well, you were supposed to tell me
about the worst fuck you ever had.

Remember that?

Are you gonna tell me yours?

Yeah.

Well, I'm... Oh, come on. I told you
mine.

Yeah, but I'm writing right now.

Well, I want to talk.

Besides, you know, I open up to you.

I'll tell you something private about
me.

Huh? You know? I open up to fill my guts
telling you all kind of personal shit.

And you haven't told me anything.

Now, how fair is that?

Huh?

I mean, how fair is that? I open up to
you, you don't say shit.

And I'm just...

Trying to talk to you, that's all.

Just trying to be friends with you.

Just trying to talk.

Jake, I just want to write my fucking
letter.

Anything, man.

First thing comes to mind.

You fuck some quadriplegic, some bitch
on chemotherapy, you know, whatever.

First thing comes in your head, man.
What's the worst bug you ever had?

I don't hear the worst, man.

Absolute most disgusting, man. Don't
make you turn your fucking stomach.

Well, I don't really know.

Come on, man. Everybody fucking knows.
Don't bullshit me.

I could tell you the best.

I don't want to hear about the best.

I want to hear about some fucking cow
someplace, man. Some fucking shit pig,

man. Something fucking repulsive.

You're the best, Jake.

Excuse me?

I said that you are.

You know, I don't think I quite heard
you quite right. What did you just say?

You are.

You're my... My best fuck, Dink.

Yeah.

You're my best fuck.

Tell me why.

Tell me why I'm a... I'm your best fuck.

The way you... What?

Randy, the... The way I what?

The way you... Overpower me.

I like that.

I like to be submissive.

I like it.

You like that, huh?

To be submissive.

I like it a lot.

Do you?

I'd love it, actually.

Uh... That's good.

I'm glad, uh... I'm glad you like that,
uh...

Well, what else?

What else makes me your all -time
greatest fuck?

What else you like about me?

You know... What?

Your cock.

What about it?

You like that, huh?

What else you like?

Um... Your hands.

My hands.

What about my hands?

They're...

your strong hands.

I love your big, strong hands.

Yeah.

Wow.

I'm, uh, I'm, I'm glad.

I'm glad that, that, that, uh,

that you like them.

you think you are, huh?

Huh? Fucking sack of shit fucking games,
man! Like what? Like I'm a fucking

idiot here?

Huh? I'm a fucking moron all of a
sudden? Is that it? Huh?

I'm a faggot? Is that it? I'm a fucking
faggot? Huh?

Now no more fucking games, alright?

You're gonna tell me something fucking
nasty.

Something you did on the outside that is
goddamn repulsive and you ain't gonna

lie to me either about it, are you? Are
you?

Because I do not play that shit, man.
None of that fucking shit.

So tell me about the worst fuck you ever
had.

Come on!

Okay, I get, uh... Tell me now!

I can tell you about this time once when
I was like, when I was 17.

Fine. Fine, just don't fucking lie. It
better be the fucking truth.

It is.

Because you told me that you always tell
the truth and you didn't fucking tell

me the truth!

It is, but it's just... What? It's what?

It was only a blowjob.

Fine. Fine.

All right? Your worst fucking blowjob,
then. Okay?

Okay? You're 17.

What happened?

Yeah, um... I'm 17, and, uh... Me and a
buddy of mine, we, um...

We decided to take a little trip down to
Tijuana.

Good old fucking teaching. Go ahead.
Continue.

And, um... You tried to find one of them
donkey bars when you were down there?

Huh? Yeah, I know. I couldn't find one
of them to save my life, man.

All I wanted to see, you know, was how
in the fuck a fucking donkey can fuck a

woman, you know? I mean, I understand if
it was like the other way around, you

know, if it was like the woman doing the
fucking, you know, with like a fucking

strap on or something, you know, just
like pumping away at the thing. But, you

know, how in the fuck is a fucking woman
going to get fucked by a donkey, you

know? I mean, you see what I'm saying?

Do you?

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, I guess it seems.

Anyway, you know, I tried so hard to
find one of those places, but I just

couldn't fucking find one, man.

Would have paid big money to see that
shit.

Big fucking money.

Anyway, yeah, so you're 17 and you're in
Tijuana.

What happened next?

Um... Uh... We went down there to do
some...

You know, we went down there to do some
drinking, pick up some weed.

We couldn't drink here, so we went down
there.

Right.

And, um... And, uh... After... After a
lot of drinks,

you know, we decided to go into this,
um... This strip bar.

Which one?

Which one?

Which one, man? Bambi, Sansuchi, which
one you go to?

The Club Unicornio?

I don't remember.

All right, go ahead.

Continue.

Okay, so they asked us if we want to go
upstairs with them, right? They asked us

if we want to rent a private room
upstairs.

Fuck you, fuck you, $5, $5, fuck you,
fuck you. This shit's ridiculous.

No, they wanted $50.

Fuck.

$25 for a blowjob.

Kind of pricey for a Mexican whorehouse,
don't you think, man? You're better off

with a fucking crackhead down in
Englewood, man.

$3 .50 for a blowjob down on Imperial.
You know about that?

Go ahead. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. So, what
happened?

Your friend of mine got blown once in El
Salvador for $1 .87, right?

$1 .87, he said, after the conversion.

You know what I mean? He said the bitch
was fucking nasty, but, you know, for $1

.87, you know, who's to complain?

I mean, that's a fucking bargain, man.
You could get a hot dog for that price.

I'm sorry. All right.

I'm sorry. Go ahead, man. Kid, so far...

This ain't a very good story, all right?
So pick it up a little, you know, spice

it up.

Right, I'm drunk, and all I got on me is
like 35 bucks.

She wants 25 for a blowjob, and she said
to rent a room upstairs, it was like an

extra $10 for like 15 minutes.

So you go up with her or what? You're
fucking killing me. Yeah, I go upstairs

with her. Then after she gave me head,
we come downstairs to the bar. Oh, wait

second.

What? What do you mean, after she gives
me a head?

Right.

Right. After we came downstairs.

I want to know what went up in the
fucking room, man. Details, details.

the fucking details, man.

We went upstairs. She gave me a head.
What else? What else do you want to

You come in her mouth?

No, I... Did she let you come in her
face?

No, I had... Out of tits?

I was wearing a condom.

What?

I was wearing a condom, so she made me
wear a condom.

She made you... You wore a fucking
condom?

She made me wear it. I was 17.

I don't give a shit if you're fucking
preteen, man. What the fuck is the point

of head wearing a rubber?

Fucking head's all about fucking
sensitivity, man. Your fucking warmth of

breath, the wetness of her mouth, up and
down your cock. You know, that's what

makes you a buster nut.

It's got nothing to do with the pressure
of her lips against your shaft.

Did you even get off?

Yeah, I did, actually. That's not a
complete loss, I guess.

So... So what, that's it?

What?

What, that's... That's the worst sex of
your entire...

Okay, I get it, right?

She made you wear a condom, right?
That's why it was the worst sex of your

entire life. I can see that kind of.
But, you know, that fucking story

compare to that nigger bitch in San
Jose, man.

You know, when I tell that story, that
is the fucking worst story of all time,

man.

Jesus Christ. So what?

Then you just fucking come in a latex,
zip up, and fucking what?

What about downstairs, man?

You say something about downstairs?

No. Oh, wait, wait, man.

You said, that you went downstairs.

Come on, who am I going to fucking tell?
Just spit it out, all right? You're

downstairs. Please, continue.

Okay, so I go to the edge of the stage,
and the dancer that I was with upstairs,

she came down to dance.

She was topless, and she was shaking and
moving around, and

she smiled at me, and I smiled back at
her.

It was as if we were the only people
there.

You know, the way that she smiled at me
and I smiled back at her.

Like we were the only people there.

I don't know. I was 17. It was my first
blowjob.

So she's on the dance floor and she's
shaking around.

And she goes into this sort of move,
like the split sort of, only

with one...

Only with one leg on the ground and the
other one up in the air.

And she was holding it with her hand.

I love when they do that.

Yeah.

So... So when she does this, her
panties, they kind of, like, you know,

sort of shift. They sort of move to,
like, one side.

And, well, then I saw, like, she had a
dick.

Sort of a dick.

Sort of just slipped out.

What? She... She... She had a fucking
dick?

She had a dick.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

That's a fucking good one.

She had a fucking dick.

Fucking Tijuana, right?

One of them fucking chicks with dicks.

You got a homer from a chick with a
fucking dick.

See, you might have just beat me, kid.
You might have just fucking beat the

fucking San Jose bitch.

A fucking chick with dick.

Oh, that's kind of a fucking misnomer,
actually, man. Chicks with dicks. Sorry,

dude. Those are fucking dudes with
dicks, as far as I'm concerned.

Oh, man.

See, that's a fucking... That's
fucking... Oh, I can't wait to fucking

that shit, man.

Got a fucking Hummer from a chick with a
dick.

And you're fucking paying for it. Also,
I mean, that's a fucking... You're

paying, what, 35 bucks for it?

Oh, man.

That's a fucking good one, man.

I'm glad you find it funny. You
little...

Fucking son of a bitch, you. You might
have just taken the cake here, you

fucking little bastard, you.

I didn't think you had it in you.

I really didn't. You got a Hummer from a
dude named Maria.

Oh, man.

Oh, fuck.

35 fucking bucks.

That's... That's fucking tragic, man. 35
bucks for a pulse.

Yeah.

That's tragic.

Yeah.

I thought it was the worst it was ever
gonna get.

What do you mean by that?

Come over here.

Come over here and suck my dick.

Come over here.

Huh? No.

Thank you.

Smart.

Still on for backgammon tomorrow?

I think the counts, you got 12, I got 9,
but it's still early.

I got plenty of time to catch up to you.

It's 13.

What was that?

I'm up 13 to 9.

12 -9.

13 -9.

So we're still on.

Yeah, sure, Jake. We're still on.

All right.

Good night, Randy.

Good night, Randy.

I said goodnight. Goodnight.

What are you doing?

Randy? Huh?

You want to kill me?

You're not a killer, kid.

Huh?

You know that.

I'd take that thing out of your hand
faster than you could blink.

I'd break the pencil first and break
every bone in your body. You know that,

too.

And even if you could, you wouldn't.

Because I'm all you got.

Without me, you're nothing.

I'm your protection.

And you know what?

You think about what you'll do or where
you'll go when you get out of this shit

hole.

It's good to have something to look
forward to.

You turn around.

You go back to your bed and you think
about what I just told you.

And I'll see you in the morning.

I want to tell you something.

My mother died when I was in here.

A couple years ago.

No one told me.

Not the guards, not the warden, nobody.

Tony came up and gave me the news.

That was the worst day of my entire
life.

And those fuckers wouldn't even let me
go see my own mother's funeral.

Do yourself a favor.

No matter what you do,

Make sure you see your mother's funeral.

Make sure you get a chance.

Say goodbye.

I think that's real important.