All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s05e22

I had a terrific weekend, Daddy. Me too,
sweetheart.

Kiss Uncle Oscar goodbye.

Goodbye, Uncle Oscar.

Don't you ever use a glass.

I like that good can taste.

Stop,

you'll corrupt my child. When's dinner?
When's dinner? Soon, soon.

Thanks again, Daddy. You forgot your
purse. Oh.

And you forgot the most important thing
you're present. Your opera album.

Not every little girl will get New
Beverly Hills opera album.

Arias but goodies.

The autographs was very valuable. You
take good care of it.

What are we going to do next weekend?

Anything you say, Daddy. Yeah?

You want to go to Radio City?

Oh, I did that last Tuesday with Uncle
Bill.

Uncle Bill?

You don't have an Uncle Bill.

Well, he's sort of an uncle.

You mean sort of an uncle.

No such thing as sort of. Either he's
married to your aunt or he's something

else.

Well, I wasn't supposed to say anything,
but he's Mom's boyfriend.

Perfect.

Daddy! The album!

It's only a record. Go push the elevator
button. Thank you.

Okay.

Hey, forget about dinner? Cook your own
dinner, buster.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, hi, darling.

Felix!

Hello, Gloria.

I brought Edna home.

I see that.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, Leonard.

You need a haircut.

All right, children, I want to talk to
your mother. Go to your rooms.

Go to your rooms!

Is something wrong, Felix?

All right.

Where is he?

Who?

Uncle Bill.

Who?

Bill. William, what do you call him,
Wild Willie?

Now I understand.

I thought you might.

Where is he hiding?

In the closet?

Under the bed? He's not here.

That's a hot one. Tell me another.

Felix, please don't make a scene.

What's this?

Booty for Uncle Bill Jr.?

You must know we broke up. Oh, really?

Just a fast fling in the balcony at
Radio City and then on to the next

that it?

We just broke up. And I really don't
think it's any of your business, Felix.

None of my business?

None of my business?

You're making a mockery of our entire
divorce. What am I saying?

Please, now calm down.

I'm sorry, Gloria.

It just drives me insane to think of you
with another man.

It always has and it always will.

I understand how you feel.

We should be together, Gloria.

Take me back.

Felix, we tried that ten times. Eleven
including our marriage.

Let's make it an even dozen, huh?

Felix, it's no use. Why not?

I'll be good this time, I promise.

You always promise and you start out
being good and then two days later

back to criticizing and finicky
feelings. What finicky?

Well, for instance, when I get up in the
morning, I don't like to see my clothes

all laid out.

I mean, I'd like to dress myself.

You're into women's lib now, aren't you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm not asking anymore, Glory.

I'm begging.

Take me back.

I can't. Glory, if you don't take me
back, I'll do something crazy.

That figures.

Take me back or I'll jump.

It's no use, Felix.

Take me back or I'll jump.

Then jump.

You didn't think I'd go through with it,
did you?

Boy, I don't believe this. You decided
to cook your own dinner.

Well, I'm a good cook, Murray.

will you? Yeah. Okay.

Watch it. Here it comes.

Ooh. Smell that aroma?

Not so hard. You'll inhale the crust.

Huh?

You know, I got this recipe out of the
Racing Digest.

Horses love it too, you know.

Okay, now. First thing we gotta do. I
remember.

Potato chips gently crushed.

Gently crushed.

There we go. Now, Jenna.

And now you put in the sardines, see?

All right, in, everybody. Jump in. Jump
in.

There you go.

Pretty little thing.

Sardines. Now, see, to make it look
pretty, you got to put a little green

it. What do you think I got?

Here, little pickles. Make it look
terrific. See, right around there like

What do you think I put in next?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter?

No, Nazi.

You put in, where is it? I got to write
it. There it is. You put whipped cream

in.

all that mess in there.

You told me I could cook my own dinner.
I'm going to clean it all up.

Doesn't matter. Life is too short to
worry about a filthy kitchen.

Cook, eat anything you want. I'm going
to my room.

It doesn't matter?

You must be sick.

It's got to be Gloria.

She hates me.

She hates me not.

for the pigeons to give me room on the
ledge.

You shouldn't keep the window open.

The pollution count is so high they had
to call the baseball game today on

account of soot.

As man does not.

What is it this time? You haven't been
out on that ledge in two years.

Is it Gloria?

I went over to her house.

I ruined our relationship all over
again.

Why do you keep doing that? I can't help
myself. I drive her crazy.

A marriage counselor kicked me out of
his office once.

He wrote on my chart, lunatic.

Oh, I don't blame Gloria. It's
impossible to be married to me. It takes

make a rotten marriage. Look, we all
have our faults, you know. We had a maid

who came in to clean up three times a
week. And on the other days, Gloria

cleaned. And at night... When they were
both finished, I'd go in. I'd clean the

whole place all over again.

I can't help it. I like things clean.

Blame it on my mother.

I was toilet trained at five months.

How can you remember things like that?

At seven months, I was training others.

I loused up the marriage.

Nothing was ever right.

Dumb, stupid, idiot.

I belong on the ledge.

Get off there!

Don't you know you can't change? You
can't compromise? Why don't you accept

you are? The fussiest man I've ever
known.

Gloria called me finicky feeling.

Finicky? I like that better than fussy.

Help me, Oscar.

Help me to unfinnick myself.

You wouldn't even try. I would. I'd do
anything to get Gloria back. You would

try? Anything.

You're very finicky about food, right?
Yes.

Come out and share that dinner with me
tonight.

I'd rather die.

Finicky feelings, finicky feelings,
finicky feelings. I'll do it. I'll do

All right, I'll call you when dinner's
ready.

And you're going to love this food, I'm
telling you.

Athletes train on it.

What athletes?

A whirl away, citation, man of war.

They're horses.

Smells powerful.

You're gonna love it, buddy. You're
gonna love it.

Paper flake?

Well, I figure you gotta eat off
something, you know. Uh -huh.

Where's the salad?

Where's the appetizer?

Well, it's all in here.

What do you call that, Melange?

Goop.

Goop. But I like what you called it
better, Melange.

From now on, I'm going to call it goop
me long.

Goop me long. Yes.

Uh -huh.

Well. I figure you're going to like it,
buddy. Uh -huh.

A little plastic fork. Let's do it.

Line up the crack.

The dishwasher broke it. Uh -huh.

I mean, stop scrolling with the eat. Go
ahead. You first.

What do we wash this down with? Beer.
Beer. No glass?

Wouldn't want to miss that good canned
taste.

Oh, beer.

Outside of you, I'm the best cook I
know.

This is top -notch goop melange.

Dig it, dig it. Come on.

Well, up to the feet, over the gums,
look out stomach, here it comes.

What do you think?

Oh, I forgot about that. What was
missing? Red.

Do you always complain like this about
everything? You're right, you're right,

you're right. If I can eat this without
complaining, I can eat anything Gloria

puts in front of me. Okay, now take a
big, juicy mouthful. Come on.

Attaboy. Now give it a chance to settle.
It's terrific. Once you get used to it,

you're going to love it.

Oh, it's a goop melange.

Goop melange? Well, it's evidence is
what it is. For what?

I'm worried about Felix. He's sick.

If Felix was sick, he would have called
me 25 times today.

You're talking about the old Felix.

Oh, there's a new Felix.

See, I made this last night. Boy, it
went bad fast.

That's the way it's supposed to smell.

Everybody has the same reaction.

Halfway down here, they kick me off the
bus.

I grabbed the cab. The driver made me
put this in the trunk.

It's supposed to smell that way. The
only thing bad with this is it has

everything in it that Felix hates.

But yet, Gloria, he ate this last night.
Why?

Well, because he wants to get over being
finicky. For you.

You know what else he did?

He slept in my room last night. I don't
do that.

Well, you should.

And I'm worried about him. He's got a
terrible cold.

Dr. Mellis said that in 25 years of
practice, it's the worst clogged head

ever seen. And Felix is making those
sounds that drive me crazy.

I know those sounds.

Yeah, and he swore he's going to sleep
in my room every night until he's

convinced that he's changed.

Oscar, Felix will never change.

He didn't call you today, even though he
was sick, did he?

See, he's trying.

Well, Gloria, what I think is you've got
to try a little more, too. I mean, I

think you've got to be patient with him.

I know I'm impatient with him, but
everybody is. I mean, you're impatient

him, too.

Yeah, but I'm not in love with him.

Are you?

That's what you've got to decide.

Why don't you two go over and talk to
him? I'll take care of the kids here.

Okay, I'll go talk to him.

Smells great to me.

Please don't turn off the heat lamp.

It keeps the rolls fresh.

You just see me like this.

Oh, Felix, you silly little thing, you.

Going and eating that stuff, sleeping in
this room.

Your system's too delicate for that.

Well, it would be worth it if you
understood why I did it.

I'm trying to change. I don't want to
drive you crazy anymore.

Felix, you just go about things in such
strange ways.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

most about you?

I do do strange things, don't I?

At least you're never boring. I guess
not everyone has my flair for living,

Gloria.

Yes, but sleeping in Oscar's room... And
I'm going to do it tonight and every

night until you're convinced I'm
changing.

Don't you think I can?

Don't you think I can stop being finicky
-feeling and stop complaining and

criticizing everybody?

Hot rolls.

Well, you know, Felix, I really do
believe you are serious about trying.

And maybe if you keep on trying, maybe I
can learn to be a little bit more

tolerant, too.

You know, I've been thinking, I'm not
that perfect either.

You are to me.

You know, sometimes I really miss you,
Felix.

And the kids, well, they miss you, too.

You don't have to miss me.

Any more?

Will you take me back?

All right.

What? I said yes.

Don't toy with me, Gloria.

I'm not toying.

Oh, Gloria.

Oh, Gloria.

Don't kiss me.

You'll catch my cold.

Oh, I love you, Gloria.

We'll get married this week.

Fine. Now let's get out of this room.

First, I better turn over the rolls.

The guests are ready. I'm nearly ready.
I'm nearly ready.

It'll take you longer to get dressed in
glory and fix it for me.

I guess you never thought you'd live to
see this day, huh?

I must say, I wasn't sure you wanted to
get married, but I am sure now.

You know, you've been marvelous. Little
things that used to bug you, you handle

now with tact and patience. Me? I'm so
proud of you. Really? Yeah.

I'm an amazing man, you know that?

Absolutely.

I've really completely changed my
character. I'm a different human being.

you are. For instance, there's a little
thread on your shoulder right there.

Formerly, I would have had to take it
off. Now, it doesn't bother me. That's

good. Yeah.

I've overcome things. I'm not finicky. I
owe it to you.

Hello, everyone.

Hello.

Bravo.

No, no bravos.

I'm not only your groom, but I'm also
your host.

So if you'll excuse me, I have to check
on my hors d 'oeuvres. I'll be right

with you.

Oscar.

Wow, what a beautiful dress.

Thank you. And you look so elegant.

Yeah, like Felix, right? Yeah, he's
trying so hard.

He sure is. He's being terrific, right?
I'm going to see if he needs anything.

Okay.

Hi, buddy. What are you doing?

I distinctly told you I wanted cracked
ice, not ice cubes, didn't I? Felix is

back. Okay. I asked you to do three
things for me as my best man. I asked

crack the ice. I asked you to lock the
door to your room. My door doesn't have

lock. I tried to jam it closed, but it's
brand bad.

So all the guests think it's the
cloakroom. They've thrown their coats in

They'll never find them now.

And third, I asked you to bring us a
plumber.

Well, the plumber was here. He said the
trouble is not in the sink. The pipe's a

week all over the place. Oh, isn't that
cheerful, Newton? Well, that's not going

to bother you. You're only going to live
here for another hour. Will you stop

with that to get the ranking? Boy, they
want to see I'm being nice. Will you

please? I'm being nice. I'm being nice.

What?

What's going on?

You have to advertise to everybody that
the suit is rented. Don't make a big

deal out of it. Be nice.

Hello. Hi, Dad. You look nice.

Ah, so do you.

Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing? You're eating
chocolate?

Want to spoil that perfect skin?

I got shots for that now, Dad.

Eat fruit. I have fruit here for you.
Don't eat chocolate.

I don't want fruit, Dad.

Felix, is anything wrong?

Nothing. Your son's eating chocolate.
It's going to ruin his teeth, that's

That's okay. I told him he could today.

You told him he could. Good, good.

Have a piece of this. Here, come on.
Have one. There you are.

Have another one. Have another one. You
like that haircut, Prince Valiant? You

think that's nice?

Good.

Murray! Murray, careful! What are you
doing?

Congratulations. I'm sorry.

Glad you're here, Murray.

Felix, how come Gloria isn't wearing
white?

Murray, Gloria is the mother of two
children.

Oh, I see. I guess it's hard to keep
things white with kids around.

Mingle, Murray, mingle.

Gloria? Gloria, stop it.

Yes? What time did you ask the violinist
to arrive?

Oh, I didn't. I canceled him. I got a
pianist instead.

You canceled the violinist?

Well, you don't mind, do you?

I knew you were going to crack me.

Every cliche in the book. Who cares? I'm
a pianist.

What's the matter? All right, you're
right. You're right. You're right. Okay,

now let's get this thing going before
you start criticizing Gloria's dress.

Have you ever seen such taste in
clothes?

As your best friend and your best man,
may I tell you something? Anything.

If you blow this, I'm going to break
both your legs.

Well, he's filthy.

Stay here. I'll let you know when to
come out.

Oh, Felix.

Quiet. Here we go. Master, sir, can we
have you? You'll play, Henry? Come on,

let's go. Everybody here. Everybody
where you belong. Come on, kids, move it

Atta boy. Let's go.

Here we go.

Okay, Felix.

Felix!

Felix!

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
together in the sight of God and before

this company to unite this couple.

Or I should say, reunite this couple in
holy matrimony.

It's raining.

It's the bikes.

It's the bikes.

Get some dogs. We've got to ruin the
car, but that's all.

I told you to get some fun. I'm going to
talk to that superintendent.

What's more important, a little water or
a wedding? You've been waiting for five

years to... The wedding.

All right.

What's a little mess? We don't care, do
we? We're not going to let it rain on

our parade.

Hit it.

Go ahead.

What do you think of this? Go ahead. Go
ahead!

Gloria, do you take this man to be your
lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Felix, do you take this woman to be
your...

and why this couple should not be
brought together.

Speak now, forever hold your peace.

May I have the ring, please?

The ring.

Would you hold it for a minute, please?

The ring.

I now pronounce you man and...

Laurie, I'll be with you in one moment.

Well, buddy, this is it.

I wish you a good honeymoon and a great
life.

Your dinner's in the oven. Turn it off
in 20 minutes.

Thanks.

Oscar, what can I say?

Five years ago, you took me in, broken
man on the verge of mental collapse.

I leave here a cured human being. I owe
it all to you.

All yours, buddy.

I salute you.

Felix, you know how I'm going to salute
you?

I'm going to clean that up.

It has not been in vain.

I'm not going to clean it up.

we wouldn't clean it up.