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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,560 --> 00:00:05,700 When are my parents going to be ready? 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,980 When I'm ready. You got a hot date tonight, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who? 3 00:00:09,220 --> 00:00:11,380 Double -jointed Sybil? I only took her out once. 4 00:00:12,240 --> 00:00:13,240 No, I'm dating Anita. 5 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:18,380 Anita? Yeah. The Harpist. You remember her? Oh, I'm crazy about that girl. She 6 00:00:18,380 --> 00:00:20,300 was the only date you ever brought here. You used silverware. 7 00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:24,500 You're going to take a nice girl out like that with this tie? What's wrong 8 00:00:24,500 --> 00:00:25,500 that tie? It's wrinkled. 9 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:26,940 Oh, it is? Come here, come here, come here. 10 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,740 What are you going to do, iron my tongue? 11 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,300 Yeah, you want to iron it, iron it. 12 00:00:32,670 --> 00:00:34,110 That's the kind of tire wear. Yeah. 13 00:00:35,210 --> 00:00:38,450 Anita's a widow, isn't she? Yeah. You know what? We get along so great. Yeah. 14 00:00:38,590 --> 00:00:41,610 Felix, I really think I'm crazy about her. You must be if you ask me to iron 15 00:00:41,610 --> 00:00:42,409 your pants. 16 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,690 Yeah. Should I iron my best man's suit? 17 00:00:44,990 --> 00:00:48,270 Will you cut that out? You know how I feel about marriages. Give me the pants. 18 00:00:48,570 --> 00:00:50,690 Why are you so nervous? Why are you so nervous? Because our kids are coming 19 00:00:50,690 --> 00:00:54,350 from camp today and I never met them, see? I want to make a good impression. 20 00:00:54,350 --> 00:00:56,250 long does it take before the zipper cools off? 21 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:08,980 Her kids will be crazy. And if they're not? 22 00:01:09,180 --> 00:01:11,980 How about if the kids are not? It could ruin my whole relationship with her, you 23 00:01:11,980 --> 00:01:16,620 know? I forgot that Anita has two children. Let me ask you something. 24 00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:18,400 do you use a spoon to put on your shoes? 25 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,420 Because a fork makes four holes in my socks. 26 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:23,880 I had to ask. 27 00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:25,080 You got any candy? 28 00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:26,340 Kids love candy. 29 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:30,240 Oh, no, you can't buy a child's affection. You win a child. 30 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,620 You tell them a joke. 31 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,300 Oh, I had a great one about three sailors on a raft that... 32 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,580 You tell them a children's joke. You know what the mayonnaise said to the 33 00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:41,000 icebox? No, what? Close the door, can't you see I'm dressing? 34 00:01:42,220 --> 00:01:46,680 You get it? I get it, I get it. You know what children like? They like little 35 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,780 pieces of business. My kids used to love this. 36 00:01:50,660 --> 00:01:52,360 Hope you like our show. 37 00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:59,640 Oscar, he can't wait to show it to the kids. 38 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:25,730 The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a live audience. 39 00:03:28,130 --> 00:03:29,130 It's open! 40 00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:35,269 Hey, Helen. 41 00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:36,270 Hi, Oscar. 42 00:03:37,110 --> 00:03:40,910 Guess what? I got good news for you. What? You're gonna get a chance to get 43 00:03:40,910 --> 00:03:41,910 acquainted with my kids. 44 00:03:42,090 --> 00:03:43,029 Well, I expected that. 45 00:03:43,030 --> 00:03:45,610 But I'm not gonna be here. I didn't expect that. Where are you going? 46 00:03:46,910 --> 00:03:49,510 I gotta play the harp with the chamber music group tonight. 47 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:53,420 The regular harpist brained her fingers trying to play Flight of the Bumblebee. 48 00:03:56,140 --> 00:03:57,600 Mark, Laurie, Mr. 49 00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,640 Madison's here. Leave me alone with the kids the first time. Don't worry about 50 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:02,380 it. Oscar, this is Mark. 51 00:04:02,620 --> 00:04:05,660 Hi, Mark. Nice to meet you. And this is Laurie. Hello, sweetheart. How are you, 52 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:06,920 Laurie? Good night. 53 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,520 Good night, darling. 54 00:04:09,020 --> 00:04:11,120 Now, don't bother Mr. Madison too much. 55 00:04:11,620 --> 00:04:14,180 Nine o 'clock bedtime. Have they eaten and everything? Yeah, don't worry about 56 00:04:14,180 --> 00:04:19,140 it. Does it have to be changed? I mean, what are you... Just have a good time. 57 00:04:29,150 --> 00:04:30,730 Well, I couldn't wait to meet you guys. 58 00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:34,690 Your mother told me all about you, so I know everything, you know. Except camp. 59 00:04:35,330 --> 00:04:36,870 Did you have a good time at camp? What's it like? 60 00:04:37,690 --> 00:04:38,690 Where'd you go at camp? 61 00:04:41,770 --> 00:04:42,850 You kids ever blink? 62 00:04:45,310 --> 00:04:49,030 Hey, why don't we sit down, talk? We'll get to know each other. Come on. 63 00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:50,670 Everybody sit on the couch. Come on, Laurie. 64 00:04:51,230 --> 00:04:54,670 Now, let us see. What are we going to talk about? 65 00:04:55,330 --> 00:04:56,970 You a baseball fan? 66 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,100 Yeah. Yeah, what's your favorite team? 67 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:03,100 Dodgers. I'm a Mets fan, but I used to be a Dodgers fan. You know, when they 68 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:04,660 Campanella and Snyder and Robinson? 69 00:05:04,940 --> 00:05:05,940 Who are they? 70 00:05:08,180 --> 00:05:09,240 You wouldn't know who they were. 71 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:12,520 Laurie, what do you like? I like Robert Redford. 72 00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:15,020 Robert Redford. 73 00:05:15,260 --> 00:05:16,260 Me too. 74 00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:20,620 And we're back to staring. 75 00:05:23,050 --> 00:05:24,690 Is there something you both like together? 76 00:05:25,030 --> 00:05:26,570 I like magic. Yeah, me too. 77 00:05:26,970 --> 00:05:28,430 Magic? You know any magic? 78 00:05:28,810 --> 00:05:32,290 No, I don't know any magic. I know a good joke. I know... What did the salad 79 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,610 dressing say to the icebox? 80 00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,070 Shut the door on mayonnaise. 81 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,790 See, I told Felix that was a rotten joke. 82 00:05:45,410 --> 00:05:46,830 Oh, I got a good thing. Wait a minute. 83 00:05:47,050 --> 00:05:48,810 Oh, this one. 84 00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:50,110 Here we go. 85 00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:00,850 That's magic. 86 00:06:01,130 --> 00:06:02,750 I made two kids disappear. 87 00:06:07,090 --> 00:06:12,530 And then you take a magic handkerchief, and you wave it over your arm, and you 88 00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:16,790 say the magic words, abracadabra, alakazam, long -webbed worms, 89 00:06:33,550 --> 00:06:34,590 just across Fifth Avenue. 90 00:06:37,590 --> 00:06:38,590 What are you doing? 91 00:06:38,710 --> 00:06:41,230 Well, you know I bombed with the kids the other day, right? 92 00:06:41,530 --> 00:06:43,650 Well, that's right. I went out and bought this magic kit right here. 93 00:06:44,490 --> 00:06:46,470 Become a professional magician. 94 00:06:46,950 --> 00:06:48,690 Learn the secrets of the great Melman. 95 00:06:49,190 --> 00:06:50,190 Rapids not included. 96 00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:55,150 Me too. I can see it. You pick a card. Any card. Okay? Don't tell me what it 97 00:06:55,190 --> 00:06:56,490 Just pick any card. Any card. 98 00:06:56,890 --> 00:06:59,250 Pick a card. Don't let me influence you. Pick a card. 99 00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:01,810 There you go. That's the queen of spades. 100 00:07:04,910 --> 00:07:05,910 Two of hearts. 101 00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:08,470 You picked the wrong card. 102 00:07:08,770 --> 00:07:11,170 This is what I like. What do you do with this? Oh, never mind. Now, listen. You 103 00:07:11,170 --> 00:07:13,790 got a dollar on you. I'm going to show you a trick. It'll amaze you. It'll 104 00:07:13,790 --> 00:07:17,670 you. I only have two 10s. No, 10s. Same size. Okay, now watch. I'll show you the 105 00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:20,330 hand is really quicker than the eye. This is amazing. What are you doing? 106 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:23,490 worry. What are you doing? What's the matter? I'm telling you. Watch. When I 107 00:07:23,490 --> 00:07:26,730 it together, it's going to be terrific. Now you fold the corners like that. 108 00:07:27,010 --> 00:07:28,110 You put it in here. This is magic. 109 00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:29,950 A la zami. 110 00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:31,390 Watch it. All one piece. 111 00:07:37,450 --> 00:07:40,230 I've got to paste this together. Wait a minute. Let me show you another trick. 112 00:07:40,330 --> 00:07:41,410 You'll see it's worth it. See this? 113 00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:42,670 It's full, right? 114 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,150 Watch this. You're going to love this. 115 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,210 You're going to love this. Oh, oh, I'm going to dirty your table. 116 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:21,980 to live with a slob. 117 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:20,020 Oh, it's late. No, you've got to go to bed. Come on, please. One quickie, okay? 118 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,140 Can you go to bed? You promise? Okay. Okay, let me see. 119 00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:29,360 Once upon a time, there was a bookie named 52nd Street Irwin, and he was a 120 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:30,360 very sad man. 121 00:09:30,500 --> 00:09:31,379 How come? 122 00:09:31,380 --> 00:09:37,400 Because a new law had been proclaimed throughout the land. It was called off 123 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,400 -track betting. 124 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:43,120 All sorts of people with $2 bills would enter buildings that had green... 125 00:09:47,910 --> 00:09:51,130 two doing still love. Well, I guess that's my fault. I'm sorry I kept them 126 00:09:51,230 --> 00:09:53,710 Oh, go on up to bed now. I'll be up in a second to tuck you in. 127 00:09:53,930 --> 00:09:56,770 But we want to find out what happened to 52nd Street Irwin. 128 00:09:57,130 --> 00:10:01,870 Well, what happened was that Irwin met a guy named Oscar Madison, and he won so 129 00:10:01,870 --> 00:10:05,410 much money from him, he lived happily ever after. Go to bed. Good night. Good 130 00:10:05,410 --> 00:10:06,410 night, kid. 131 00:10:07,090 --> 00:10:08,090 You got back early. 132 00:10:08,370 --> 00:10:09,370 You didn't. 133 00:10:10,490 --> 00:10:13,630 Well, I wasn't on a date, if that's what's bothering you. I was out working. 134 00:10:13,870 --> 00:10:15,630 What's bothering me is you left the kids alone. 135 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:17,440 I didn't leave him alone. 136 00:10:17,540 --> 00:10:21,240 I left him with Pamela. It's the same thing, isn't it? Say, where is Pamela, 137 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:22,240 the way? I sent her home. 138 00:10:22,680 --> 00:10:24,980 Why? Because she's too young to be babysitting. 139 00:10:25,300 --> 00:10:28,660 Oscar, that's the same babysitter I used last week. Yeah, but that was 140 00:10:28,660 --> 00:10:29,660 different. 141 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,880 The only thing that's different is that you're getting hooked on my kids. 142 00:10:33,140 --> 00:10:35,640 So? And they're getting hooked on you. 143 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:37,460 So? There's nothing wrong with that, is there? 144 00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,820 Yeah, there is. Oscar, I've got to talk to you. 145 00:10:41,980 --> 00:10:45,320 Do you know that those children moped around the house here all day today? 146 00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:48,250 Why? Because you didn't call them last night from Pittsburgh the way you 147 00:10:48,250 --> 00:10:51,630 promised? Oh, see, the game went into extra innings. By the time I got back to 148 00:10:51,630 --> 00:10:53,270 the hotel, it was so late, I figured they were asleep. 149 00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:55,030 Yeah, well, they'd waited up for you. 150 00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:59,070 Oh, well, they must have forgiven me. We had such a good time. We played games 151 00:10:59,070 --> 00:10:59,769 and laughed. 152 00:10:59,770 --> 00:11:03,390 Yeah, but that's only going to make the hurt even deeper next time you 153 00:11:03,390 --> 00:11:04,390 disappoint them. 154 00:11:04,970 --> 00:11:08,830 Oscar, I know you didn't mean it, but, you know, children need consistency. 155 00:11:09,550 --> 00:11:12,630 They don't really know where you fit into their lives. 156 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,860 The last thing I want to do in this whole world is to hurt the kids. 157 00:11:19,860 --> 00:11:21,180 You mean you think it's going to happen again? 158 00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:24,020 Well, if our relationship stays the same, yes. 159 00:11:25,260 --> 00:11:26,260 Wow. 160 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:32,180 Well, I guess you're right. I guess we ought to break up then, huh? 161 00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:38,420 Unless you could think of some alternative. 162 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,720 Well, I guess you're right. 163 00:11:55,459 --> 00:11:59,640 Are you all right? Oh, sure, I'm all right. I'm not a kid. If the thing's 164 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,040 it's over. You know, whatever's for the best. I'll show you. Look. 165 00:12:02,420 --> 00:12:03,480 I'll do the thing. 166 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:08,960 Hope you liked our show. 167 00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:26,360 Watch me. 168 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,940 I finally figured out how to do the milk trick. Watch. 169 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:35,040 Oh, I had it. I had it. I had it. Honestly, I had it. How did it go? 170 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:37,420 It's all over. 171 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,280 What? What? What? 172 00:12:39,560 --> 00:12:41,960 How come? She had a date, huh? Yeah, yeah. 173 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:43,420 And you punched the guy, huh? 174 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,060 He punched you. No. She punched you. No, it was nothing like that. What? 175 00:12:48,380 --> 00:12:51,600 She said the kids were getting too involved with me and me with them and it 176 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,300 getting kind of heavy and things. So? 177 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:56,640 Why does it have to be all over? Didn't I just tell you? It's about the kids and 178 00:12:56,640 --> 00:12:59,920 everything. Well, isn't there another alternative? 179 00:13:00,460 --> 00:13:01,460 What? 180 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:02,920 What? 181 00:13:03,340 --> 00:13:04,660 Well, what's the next step? 182 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:06,200 What? Marriage. 183 00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:08,840 Are you out of your mind? 184 00:13:10,420 --> 00:13:16,480 No. What are you talking about? Marriage, a girl, kids, me, and a... I 185 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,820 have five or six good reasons why I shouldn't get married. Now, I don't even 186 00:13:18,820 --> 00:13:20,560 have one. Of course you don't, because I'm right. 187 00:13:20,820 --> 00:13:21,820 You know, maybe you are. 188 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:23,240 You are right. 189 00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:27,080 And that's what she meant by an alternative. I didn't even know. I got 190 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,720 hang -up about marriage. I didn't even see what she was driving at. 191 00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:33,480 You're right, Felix. I'm going to propose to her. I am going to propose to 192 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:34,960 Oh, great. Yeah. 193 00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:37,300 When? Pretty soon. 194 00:13:37,780 --> 00:13:38,780 Pretty soon. 195 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,540 Pretty soon. 196 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,160 Oscar? 197 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:44,880 Come on, get up. 198 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:46,360 Hey, come on. 199 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:48,040 Oscar. 200 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:49,920 Bedding window's closed in three minutes. 201 00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:52,220 Give me number three, four, five, six, seven, eight. 202 00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:55,470 Why are you waking me up so early? What's the matter with you? 203 00:13:57,470 --> 00:13:58,469 What is it? 204 00:13:58,470 --> 00:14:00,690 Were you serious when you said you wanted to propose to Anita? 205 00:14:00,930 --> 00:14:03,630 Of course I was serious. Well, come on, get up. She's on her way over here now. 206 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:06,030 Why? Because I called her. What'd you do that for? 207 00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:08,390 Well, you said pretty soon, didn't you? Now it's pretty soon. 208 00:14:08,630 --> 00:14:10,910 Yeah, okay, I want to do it. I'll do it. All right, now you want to do this on 209 00:14:10,910 --> 00:14:13,430 an empty stomach? You want me to prepare some breakfast for you? No, no, it's 210 00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:15,070 all right. I got something to eat. Remember you told me to save it? 211 00:14:18,370 --> 00:14:19,470 You'll make a fine husband. 212 00:14:31,150 --> 00:14:32,430 No, no, no, no, no, no. 213 00:14:32,690 --> 00:14:33,950 Oscar's getting dressed. Oh. 214 00:14:34,290 --> 00:14:36,550 Oh, my, my, how nice you look. 215 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:37,910 Thank you. 216 00:14:39,450 --> 00:14:46,190 Have you any 217 00:14:46,190 --> 00:14:47,810 idea why Oscar wants to see you? 218 00:14:48,370 --> 00:14:50,230 No, you were very mysterious on the phone. 219 00:14:52,470 --> 00:14:54,030 Is it something funny? 220 00:14:54,570 --> 00:14:55,570 It's something happy. 221 00:14:57,950 --> 00:14:59,330 Before Oscar comes out. 222 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,580 There's something I ought to say to you. 223 00:15:03,420 --> 00:15:06,420 I've lived with Oscar for five years now. 224 00:15:07,160 --> 00:15:12,260 And I think I'm not going too far when I say that he's a perfect person. 225 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:14,320 He's kind. 226 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,820 He's warm. He's intelligent. 227 00:15:17,080 --> 00:15:19,160 He's considerate. And he's neat? 228 00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:22,920 He has meekness in him. 229 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,280 He really, except for his room, which is an absolute disgrace. But aside from 230 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,940 that, well, his clothes leave a little... What am I doing? I'm bad 231 00:15:32,940 --> 00:15:34,620 best friend. I'll ruin the marriage. 232 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:35,900 What marriage? 233 00:15:38,420 --> 00:15:40,360 Didn't you know that Oscar wants to propose to you? 234 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,020 What? Oh, I did it again, my big mouth. 235 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,180 Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, please, don't turn him down. I feel awful. Please. 236 00:15:48,660 --> 00:15:51,260 He'll make a wonderful husband and a fine father. 237 00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:52,500 What do you say? 238 00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:57,320 I guess I'd say yes. Oh, oh, bless you. 239 00:15:57,680 --> 00:15:58,680 Bless you. 240 00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:01,900 But don't tell him I killed the beans because he'll never forgive me. He wants 241 00:16:01,900 --> 00:16:02,900 to propose himself. 242 00:16:04,260 --> 00:16:05,260 Hi. 243 00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:09,080 Congratulations, you're going to get married. 244 00:16:15,980 --> 00:16:18,220 Excuse me, Pete. I want to go talk to Oscar. 245 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:25,500 I am married. Oh, come on. Will you cut it out? 246 00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,279 Come on. 247 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:32,200 My old friend Oscar getting married. So sudden. I mean, I said to my wife, I 248 00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,420 said, Oscar's getting married. 249 00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:34,640 She said, Oscar who? 250 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,160 I said, Oscar Madison. 251 00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:37,499 He said, no. 252 00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:40,740 I said, yes. Oh, will you cut it out? Where is your wife? She didn't want to 253 00:16:40,740 --> 00:16:43,620 come. She said, this is just an excuse to go out and play cards. 254 00:16:44,680 --> 00:16:45,680 Is it? 255 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,060 Oh, I'm really going to get married. Hurry. 256 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,000 Then it's okay to cry. 257 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:53,460 Yes. It's all right to cry, but cry over there, will you? 258 00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,880 Hey, it's been a long time. 259 00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:59,000 Hey, Oscar. How are you? Hey, you're really going through with this, huh? You 260 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:03,780 know, 52nd Street, Irwin, the bookie? Yeah. He's laying eight to five. You're 261 00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:04,900 not going through with this wedding. 262 00:17:06,740 --> 00:17:10,599 Well, he's crazy because I am going through with it. Are you sure, sure? 263 00:17:10,839 --> 00:17:12,460 Yeah. Because I want to make a bet. 264 00:17:13,079 --> 00:17:14,079 A bet? 265 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:16,520 Yeah. I haven't won a bet in 15 weeks. 266 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:19,400 Well, you can get even now because it's a sure thing. 267 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,740 Where's the phone? Right over there. Go ahead, bud. 268 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:25,720 Hey, Billy. 269 00:17:26,540 --> 00:17:29,800 Well, how do you feel? I feel good, good. 270 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:31,800 How do you feel? I may throw up. 271 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,380 Give me the ring. I gave it to you. Give me the ring. You didn't give it to me. 272 00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,400 No, I didn't give it to you. Here it is. 273 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,660 It's got mustard on it. I had a hot dog before. 274 00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:42,699 You're crazy. 275 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:43,699 Excuse me, sir. 276 00:17:43,700 --> 00:17:46,600 You must be the minister. I hope so, or I've got a very dull wardrobe. 277 00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:49,600 I love a good joke. 278 00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,180 I'm going to get my cameras. Wait a minute. You can't take pictures. You're 279 00:17:54,180 --> 00:17:54,879 best man. 280 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,460 You said you wanted the best photographer in New York, didn't you? 281 00:17:57,880 --> 00:17:58,960 I'm doing it for cause. 282 00:18:01,340 --> 00:18:03,240 We got some telegrams. Oh, yeah? From who? 283 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:05,480 Well, here's one from Florida from little Joe. 284 00:18:05,780 --> 00:18:07,160 Oh, that's Joe Boop. What'd he say? 285 00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:12,740 He said, Dear Oscar, you getting married? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha! I 286 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:17,440 What else you got? 287 00:18:17,770 --> 00:18:21,950 Well, here's one from Vinnie. Dear Oscar, getting married, is it a cold day 288 00:18:21,950 --> 00:18:22,950 July? Ha -ha. 289 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:24,270 Another ha -ha. 290 00:18:24,410 --> 00:18:26,310 And here's one from your mother in Europe. 291 00:18:26,590 --> 00:18:29,710 Dear son, a very funny joke to play on an old woman. 292 00:18:31,050 --> 00:18:33,190 No ha -ha. Oscar, you've got a reputation. 293 00:18:33,630 --> 00:18:35,870 Oh, but they're only kidding. Come on, come on, it's time. 294 00:18:36,090 --> 00:18:37,090 Time for what? 295 00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:38,110 To get married. 296 00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:40,730 Come on, let's go. Get upstairs. I'm sorry. See you later. 297 00:18:41,170 --> 00:18:43,910 Oscar's awfully anti -marriage. No, he's not. 298 00:18:44,620 --> 00:18:48,480 I'm not pressuring him into this, am I? No, of course not. You're not that kind 299 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:49,960 of girl. I did it. 300 00:18:51,820 --> 00:18:53,720 All right, everybody. All right. 301 00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:57,740 It's time to get married. So, Speed, if you'll come up here. 302 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,300 Murray, Murray, you'll stand right here. Everybody, if you'll just give us a 303 00:19:01,300 --> 00:19:03,920 little bit of room. Everybody, the great moment is coming. 304 00:19:04,180 --> 00:19:06,300 Mr. Minister, you'll stand right there. 305 00:19:06,660 --> 00:19:07,800 All right, everyone. 306 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:10,100 I think we're ready. 307 00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,600 Irwin, she's at the post. 308 00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:40,540 She's rounding the banister. 309 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,200 And she's heading down the home stretch. 310 00:19:43,980 --> 00:19:46,020 Would you be... Oh, sorry. 311 00:19:46,220 --> 00:19:47,220 I'll call you back. 312 00:19:47,560 --> 00:19:50,960 Could we please start again? 313 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:52,980 Would you go back to the gate? 314 00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,240 Steps. 315 00:19:58,660 --> 00:19:59,660 All right. 316 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:02,340 Everyone ready? 317 00:20:03,300 --> 00:20:04,300 Pluck it, Mabel. 318 00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:24,300 Dearly beloved and friends, we... Oh, I'm sorry. Can we hold in a minute? She 319 00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,700 has to go, darling. No, that can wait. 320 00:20:25,980 --> 00:20:28,400 No, no, this is an emergency. She just told me. We'll be right back. 321 00:20:30,380 --> 00:20:32,940 If we're taking a break, I'd like to go, too. 322 00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,560 Do you, Anita, take Oscar as your lawfully wedded husband? 323 00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:46,580 Madam? 324 00:20:46,740 --> 00:20:47,740 I do. 325 00:20:50,830 --> 00:20:53,710 You, Oscar, take Anita as your lawfully wedded wife. 326 00:20:55,330 --> 00:20:56,390 I do. I do. 327 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:58,490 Certainly. 328 00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:03,350 If there be anyone here who objects to this union, let them speak now or 329 00:21:03,350 --> 00:21:04,350 hold their peace. 330 00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:08,670 I think that I had better speak. 331 00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:11,090 I beg your pardon. 332 00:21:11,510 --> 00:21:16,930 Well, I don't want to forever hold my peace. So, Oscar, would you talk to me 333 00:21:16,930 --> 00:21:19,590 a moment, please, privately? Excuse me. We'll be right back, folks. 334 00:21:24,970 --> 00:21:25,970 What's the matter, honey? 335 00:21:26,070 --> 00:21:27,790 It's you. You're scared to death. 336 00:21:28,210 --> 00:21:29,750 No, I was ready to go through with this. 337 00:21:30,010 --> 00:21:32,070 You were praying for something to happen. 338 00:21:32,270 --> 00:21:33,029 Like what? 339 00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:34,030 Anything. An earthquake. 340 00:21:34,270 --> 00:21:35,510 Oh, now, that's not true. 341 00:21:36,070 --> 00:21:39,930 Oscar, you were pressured into this, first by Felix and then by me. You 342 00:21:39,930 --> 00:21:40,889 even propose. 343 00:21:40,890 --> 00:21:41,890 Yeah, but I meant to. 344 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:43,770 I know you did. 345 00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:49,090 And I know you meant to try to make the marriage work. But let's be honest with 346 00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:51,850 each other. I'm no more ready for this than you are. 347 00:21:52,790 --> 00:21:54,610 You're not ready for this marriage either? 348 00:21:54,910 --> 00:21:59,830 I was so happy to find a man who loved my children and whom they loved that, 349 00:21:59,850 --> 00:22:04,330 well, I just ignored the fact that we're really not ready for this kind of a 350 00:22:04,330 --> 00:22:05,330 commitment. 351 00:22:05,430 --> 00:22:06,510 At least not yet. 352 00:22:07,850 --> 00:22:10,650 You know, I kind of feel the same way. 353 00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:13,390 You're some kind of woman, you know that? 354 00:22:14,070 --> 00:22:15,530 And you're a sweet guy. 355 00:22:20,810 --> 00:22:21,810 I'm sorry. 356 00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:25,900 Can I have everybody's attention, please? I have an announcement to make. 357 00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:26,900 you come down here? 358 00:22:27,220 --> 00:22:32,580 Look, after carefully considering what we were about to do, Anita and I jointly 359 00:22:32,580 --> 00:22:36,080 decided that there isn't going to be any wedding. 360 00:22:36,380 --> 00:22:38,500 Oh, I knew it. It's a face. 361 00:22:40,080 --> 00:22:41,380 Come on, sweetie. No. 362 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:46,640 Look, it's nothing personal. You're a great guest, and if we ever do get 363 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,260 married, we're certainly going to invite you back. 364 00:22:48,620 --> 00:22:51,720 Thank you very much. Well, folks, that's the way the wedding cake crumbles. Your 365 00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:54,240 presents will be returned to you. No reception? 366 00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:55,740 I ate light. 367 00:22:58,780 --> 00:23:00,840 Felix, I'm sorry to disappoint you like this. 368 00:23:01,060 --> 00:23:02,180 I'm going to save you, buddy. 369 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:03,660 Folks, come back, come back. 370 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:09,460 We had planned some entertainment for the reception, but so that it won't be a 371 00:23:09,460 --> 00:23:11,820 total loss, we'll have the entertainment now. 372 00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:16,820 Now, first on the bill will be the amazing Unger. 373 00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:19,260 No applause, please. 374 00:23:19,580 --> 00:23:25,080 We have here a simple pitcher of milk. 375 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,600 Will you give me a drum roll, please? 376 00:23:52,490 --> 00:23:57,170 And so your mommy and I decided that for the time being, I'd still be Uncle 377 00:23:57,170 --> 00:24:00,470 Oscar. But I'm going to be visiting a lot, right? And we're going to go to the 378 00:24:00,470 --> 00:24:03,230 fair on Saturday. You're going to see that great magician. And we're going to 379 00:24:03,230 --> 00:24:04,370 see a Robert Redford movie, right? 380 00:24:05,070 --> 00:24:06,070 Good night, Laurie. 381 00:24:07,190 --> 00:24:08,190 So long, Mark. 382 00:24:09,270 --> 00:24:10,270 I'll see you. 383 00:24:10,810 --> 00:24:11,810 Thanks, Felix. 384 00:24:14,770 --> 00:24:15,770 They're great kids. 385 00:24:16,470 --> 00:24:17,470 I'll call you Friday. 386 00:24:18,070 --> 00:24:19,070 I'll be here. 387 00:24:27,310 --> 00:24:28,470 I'm genuinely sorry. 388 00:24:29,590 --> 00:24:33,630 Tell me the truth. Is it my fault? No, no, no. This is the best thing for 389 00:24:33,630 --> 00:24:34,630 everybody, honestly. 390 00:24:35,050 --> 00:24:37,170 But who knows? Maybe someday we might, you know. 391 00:24:37,630 --> 00:24:38,630 I hope so. 392 00:24:39,090 --> 00:24:41,930 You can do something to help me. Anything. Anything at all. 393 00:24:42,190 --> 00:24:43,550 Could you lend me $300? 394 00:24:45,190 --> 00:24:47,090 Because of the carpet I ruined? 395 00:24:47,310 --> 00:24:48,310 No, no. 396 00:24:48,710 --> 00:24:50,830 I bet Irwin I would go through with the wedding. 397 00:24:53,070 --> 00:24:54,070 You bet. 398 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:57,200 On your own wedding? Well, wait, he had the odds. He gave me five to two. 399 00:24:57,460 --> 00:24:59,020 I thought it was a strong thing, right? 30803

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