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It's good to know. You scared me.
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You were in Chicago.
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When did you come home?
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I have a minute. I just got... You
traveled on a plane like this?
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How come? Why did they let you... Never
mind. I don't want to know.
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How was your trip?
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Tiring. Yeah? The hotel I stayed at
booked two conventions.
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Megaphone makers and the guys who make
bullhorn.
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Every night in the stairwell, they had
an argument.
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Always a story when you come back from a
trip. Very funny. During the day, just
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last, they went around paging each
other.
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Don't you want a bite to eat?
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Matter of fact, I am hungry. You know
that?
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I'll tell you the truth. I never can eat
on a plane. I can't use that midget
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silverware.
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A lot of action around here while you
were gone.
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You got lucky?
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Don't talk dirty.
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I mean the election.
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That playground issue is heating up.
What playground issue?
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The playground issue.
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The incumbent councilman, Simpson, is
still sponsoring that bill to destroy
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playgrounds and put up office buildings.
Oh, you may be doing an article on
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that. Yeah, I call it the last place to
swing. Article?
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Boy, that was a manifesto. The public
reaction to that article was so great,
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inspired us to run a candidate against
Simpson this election.
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Are you crazy?
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Simpson has run unopposed in this
district for 14 years. I know it, and
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time he's going to be opposed.
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Well, good luck. What kind of an idiot
agreed to run against Simpson?
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He agreed.
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This is it.
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Madison for council headquarters.
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This is it? Yeah.
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I've got four volunteers.
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No. The old lady came in for a banana
cake and I enlisted her.
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This is the bakery.
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Used to be. Used to be Krausmeier's
bakery.
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Have a number. 17. Lucky number.
40
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:19,890
What happened to Krausmeier?
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Haven't you heard?
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No. They closed him down.
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Why? Yeah.
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In the back room, he was running a
massage parlor.
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Hi, Mr. Ranga.
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Hello, fellas.
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Felix. Who are they?
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Gypsies. What are they doing here? They
got here first. It's a vacant store.
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I'm sharing with them. I gave them a
chicken.
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00:04:43,020 --> 00:04:47,960
See what you're getting me into when I
don't... I know it's crazy, but this is
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the way you begin.
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And you've got the issue.
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Playgrounds. And what's more important,
you believe in it. And people will
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believe you.
55
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They will? Of course they will. Trust
me.
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You see, what I'm afraid of is I don't
know how to campaign and I'm liable to
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00:05:03,180 --> 00:05:04,520
make a fool out of myself, see?
58
00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,480
You're talking to Douglas Dignity.
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Would I let you do anything wild? You'll
talk to people from your heart. You'll
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shake their hands. That's all. That's
all. That's all.
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Okay, I'll give it a try. All right,
great.
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We have to be at the Bronx Zoo in 30
minutes. I want a picture of you sitting
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a giraffe.
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Madison rides high.
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What happened to Douglas Dignity?
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Mr. Madison?
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Yeah? I can't afford a contribution, but
I could pierce your ears.
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Thanks, but I use clip -ons.
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Hi, I'm Larry Elmer.
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I've been all over town. I hung up more
posters than the FBI.
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I'm tired of looking at my face. Go take
a nap. You can't. Why not? Felix
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called. He wants you to meet him at this
restaurant.
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Yeah? Is it in a hotel? I'm tired. I'm
not hungry. He said it's a big
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breakthrough for your campaign, Oscar.
You've got to go.
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Yeah? Oh, come on. I don't have a chance
in this campaign.
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Sure you do. Felix said you got the
gypsy vote. Now he's working on a
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group of people.
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00:07:00,600 --> 00:07:01,880
Folks who own their furniture.
79
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,600
I've changed for the subway.
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00:07:06,830 --> 00:07:08,330
Consider it a campaign contribution.
81
00:07:08,670 --> 00:07:09,950
Hey, no special favors, Murray.
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00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:11,670
I'm a policeman.
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Of course not.
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We didn't come here to eat.
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What are we coming for, the busboy vote?
86
00:07:24,370 --> 00:07:25,470
Do you know Howard K. Smith?
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00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:27,970
Yeah, I've seen him do the news on TV.
Yeah, he eats here.
88
00:07:28,370 --> 00:07:29,490
See him? You see him?
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00:07:29,810 --> 00:07:31,750
I'm going to get him to mention you on
his TV show.
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00:07:31,990 --> 00:07:35,130
Do you know him? He lives right next
door to us. Do you know him?
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I pass him on the street all the time, I
know.
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00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:39,550
Mr. Smith?
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00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:43,790
Hi, Felix Dunger. I want you to meet the
next city councilman from your
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district, Oscar Madison.
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00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:48,330
How do you do, sir? Now, we can only
stay a moment.
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00:07:49,250 --> 00:07:51,390
I'm having lunch. Oh, we already ate.
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00:07:51,710 --> 00:07:52,710
I'll get right to the point.
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00:07:52,950 --> 00:07:54,730
Do you mind if I have my food? Oh, sure,
surely.
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You've starched it, haven't you? Why
don't we let the gentleman have his
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You see? You see the kind of man he is?
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Full of concern for his fellow citizens.
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00:08:03,610 --> 00:08:04,610
Mr. Smith.
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00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:08,140
Are you aware of the issue in the
Madison versus Simpson campaign?
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00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:09,560
No, what is that?
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Good versus evil.
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Strong issue.
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Where do you stand on it?
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00:08:14,780 --> 00:08:15,780
You looking for something?
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My coleslaw.
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Waiter! Mr. Smith's coleslaw.
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I'll have an iced tea.
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You want some?
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Hemlock.
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Separate check.
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00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:29,200
Excuse me. I don't like to talk politics
while I'm eating. You're right.
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Surely.
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We'll wait.
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Leave your plate.
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Oscar, hurry, you're going to miss this
commentary.
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00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:53,400
Tonight's commentary concerns a local
election here in Manhattan.
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00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:58,940
A sports writer named Oscar Madison is
waging an underdog campaign for the city
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00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:03,400
council. I met Mr. Madison and his
campaign manager over lunch today.
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00:09:04,060 --> 00:09:08,280
After they made sure I ate it all and
trimmed the fat and chewed it
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00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,120
they told me the issue.
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00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,660
Mr. Madison is trying to save our
neighborhood playground.
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00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:19,040
He is trying to spread his word without
much money. In fact, they stuck me for
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00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:20,240
the price of the iced tea.
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00:09:22,060 --> 00:09:23,980
But it's a word that should be heard.
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00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:30,120
They're making up in drive and in
enthusiasm for what they lack in
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00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,120
in manners.
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00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,300
There's a place for these two men in
politics.
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But not at my table.
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Good night, Harry.
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Am I a campaign manager?
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Boy, that's terrific.
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00:09:43,890 --> 00:09:45,150
You went coast to coast, right?
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Yeah. Now everybody in the country knows
you're a pest.
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00:09:48,390 --> 00:09:49,390
But...
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00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:52,160
Volunteers, everybody, give me your
attention.
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00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:58,460
Now, Oscar Madison has been out on the
streets of this city since early
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working his heart out for you and you
and you and me.
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00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:09,260
I think that when he comes back, we
should greet him with a rousing welcome.
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00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:10,360
What do you say?
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00:11:10,760 --> 00:11:12,220
Good. Okay.
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00:11:13,230 --> 00:11:16,250
Back to the barricade. Oh, boy, there's
really a great feeling in this room,
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00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:19,130
isn't there? Yeah, where is Oscar,
anyway? He's out making contact with
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group, another ethnic group.
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00:11:20,510 --> 00:11:21,670
He hit them all by now.
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00:11:21,970 --> 00:11:23,610
We leave no stone unturned.
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00:11:26,470 --> 00:11:27,570
Very easy.
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00:11:27,890 --> 00:11:29,470
You look sensational.
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Did we get the Indian vote?
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00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:32,650
All three of them.
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00:11:33,690 --> 00:11:34,890
Did you hear the great news?
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00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:39,010
What? Miriam took another poll. You're
up to 17%. Hey, that's pretty good. Hey,
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00:11:39,010 --> 00:11:40,430
did you see the afternoon paper?
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No. I did.
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00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:44,790
Mary. Oscar.
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00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:49,330
What? Simpson concedes on the playground
issue. You're kidding.
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00:11:49,590 --> 00:11:51,070
Everybody, give me your attention.
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00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,129
Great news.
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00:11:52,130 --> 00:11:53,130
Gypsies, everybody.
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Simpson has conceded on the issue of the
playgrounds. We keep our playgrounds.
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00:11:59,810 --> 00:12:00,810
Oh, boy.
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00:12:01,050 --> 00:12:03,970
Oh, boy. Oh, do you know what this
means?
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00:12:04,190 --> 00:12:06,610
Yeah, it means we get to go home. What
are you talking about?
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00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,980
Oh, she's right. We got into this
campaign to settle a playground issue.
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00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:13,740
it. Hey, you all did some terrific job.
Thank you all. I'm going to the
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racetrack. No, Oscar.
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00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,740
Oscar. Oscar, come back.
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00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:01,680
Choose to run.
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00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:04,300
Oh, come on.
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00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:08,100
Where's your patriotism? What do you
want me to be, the father of Lexington
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00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:09,100
Avenue?
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00:13:09,260 --> 00:13:12,400
I won the campaign that I wanted to win,
and that's all there is to it.
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00:13:13,020 --> 00:13:16,320
But if you were a councilman, you could
do so much more.
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00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:21,000
You could put great, big, handsome trash
baskets on every corner.
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00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,100
You could wash the Statue of Liberty.
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00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:27,060
You could put those ugly fire hydrants
underground so the dogs wouldn't have a
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tendency.
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00:13:28,860 --> 00:13:31,860
It's ridiculous to think that I could
win. Why?
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00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,940
Why? One reason we had no money, that's
why. Did Washington have money? Somebody
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bought those cute wigs for him. He had
spirit.
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00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:43,140
That's what he had. He believed in what
he was doing and he had...
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00:14:06,109 --> 00:14:07,190
publisher. Yes, Mr. Bryan.
186
00:14:08,670 --> 00:14:11,910
Well, to be honest, I was thinking of
withdrawing, sir.
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00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:16,110
I agree with you. That wouldn't be a
stupid idea.
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00:14:17,270 --> 00:14:20,110
Well, it was just a fleeting thought. I
mean, I certainly would.
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00:14:21,410 --> 00:14:22,410
Yes, sir.
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00:14:22,730 --> 00:14:24,670
Okay. Thank you. Bye -bye.
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00:14:25,910 --> 00:14:28,310
What? What? You're not going to believe
this. What? What?
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00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:31,110
The publisher. He wants me to continue
with my campaign.
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00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:34,530
He said that spot with Howard K. Smith
that gave the paper a lot of publicity.
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00:14:34,710 --> 00:14:36,250
He doesn't like Simpson, but listen to
this.
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00:14:36,770 --> 00:14:38,350
He's going to finance our campaign.
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00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,640
What is this? I thought we were going on
television.
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00:15:52,940 --> 00:15:53,919
It's not television.
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00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,040
This is the Igor Show.
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00:15:55,360 --> 00:16:00,000
Igor is a big star, buddy. We're going
to talk in front of horror film fans?
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00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:01,139
They vote.
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00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,560
Horror shows are... Five seconds, Igor.
You guys get off the stage.
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00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:06,060
Three seconds, Igor.
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00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,160
Where's Igor?
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00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:09,620
I don't know.
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00:16:11,060 --> 00:16:17,800
We shall return to tonight's horror
movie, Mysterious Planet
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00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,800
Debbie.
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00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:23,870
Right after this word from Councilman
Simpson, who is running for re -election
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00:16:23,870 --> 00:16:25,870
in the 34th Council District.
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00:16:26,430 --> 00:16:27,590
Mr. Simpson!
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00:16:28,630 --> 00:16:29,630
Ah!
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00:16:36,510 --> 00:16:37,730
Thank you, Igor.
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00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:39,450
You're welcome.
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00:16:41,650 --> 00:16:43,030
Good evening, friends.
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00:16:43,850 --> 00:16:47,630
On behalf of my lovely wife, Edith, and
my little girl, Irene,
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00:16:48,350 --> 00:16:52,730
And my son, James, I would like to thank
you for the privilege of having served
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00:16:52,730 --> 00:16:54,230
you for the last 14 years.
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00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:58,510
During this campaign, I have been
opposed by Mr.
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00:16:58,870 --> 00:17:03,290
Oscar Madison, a public -spirited
citizen who has brought to my attention
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00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:06,250
several pressing community problems.
220
00:17:07,010 --> 00:17:12,750
And for this, I would like to thank him
sincerely, Mr. Madison. However, when
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00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:17,050
you go to the polls tomorrow to cast
your vote, I urge you to place your
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00:17:17,050 --> 00:17:23,369
confidence. In a man with experience, I
would like to remind you that it was I
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00:17:23,369 --> 00:17:26,170
who got the additional police protection
for our neighborhoods.
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00:17:27,190 --> 00:17:31,830
And I would like you to remember that it
was I that engineered the federal funds
225
00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:33,430
with which we improved our school.
226
00:17:34,530 --> 00:17:39,910
Lastly, I would like to remind you that
a vote for Simpson is a vote for
227
00:17:39,910 --> 00:17:41,370
progress. Thank you very much.
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00:17:43,910 --> 00:17:46,070
We're going home now to pop some corn.
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00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,170
Thank you, Councilman.
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00:17:53,130 --> 00:17:57,790
Now, boys and ghouls, back to the
mysterious planet Debbie.
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00:17:58,090 --> 00:18:00,410
As you recall, our hero, Dr.
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00:18:00,670 --> 00:18:05,230
Rontor, was struggling with the awful
curse of the Qataba people.
233
00:18:08,470 --> 00:18:10,990
This is a nice guy.
234
00:18:11,210 --> 00:18:12,590
Igor? He's a pussycat.
235
00:18:12,890 --> 00:18:13,890
I'm Igor Simpson.
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00:18:14,610 --> 00:18:17,570
Did you fall for all that malarkey?
Listen.
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00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:20,690
You're the man of the people. You're
going to wipe him out.
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00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:24,070
He looked pretty appealing. His kids
were so cute, I wanted to go and hug him
239
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,070
myself.
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00:18:26,510 --> 00:18:28,430
You're on in ten minutes. I'll be right
back.
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00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:33,070
You watch the film on the monitor. It's
a real goody. I've seen it seven times.
242
00:18:33,330 --> 00:18:36,530
Here comes the part where the giant
cockroach swallowed Rhode Island.
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00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:41,210
Rhode Island.
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Big deal, sweet bite.
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Igor.
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00:18:47,470 --> 00:18:49,990
Wait, the bagpipe and the octopus
engaged.
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No, no, no, they're still eating. Oh,
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00:18:52,670 --> 00:19:10,410
don't
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cry, folk.
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00:19:12,870 --> 00:19:15,110
It was only Rhode Island.
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00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:20,440
Don't you just love the part where he
spit out Providence?
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00:19:23,860 --> 00:19:30,680
Now, right after this commercial, we'll
be hearing
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from Councilman Simpson's opponent,
Oscar Madison.
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00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,200
Commercial rolling.
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00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:37,740
Oscar.
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00:19:38,940 --> 00:19:40,900
Please. Thank you, Ingo.
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00:19:46,860 --> 00:19:48,000
Have you been? I'll be on the air.
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00:19:48,500 --> 00:19:49,500
Come on.
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00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,040
Who are they?
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00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,580
I don't even know them.
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00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:00,740
Who are they?
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00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,420
Those are your loved ones.
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00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:05,280
My loved ones? Yes. No, no. I know what
you're doing. They're not my loved ones.
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00:20:05,300 --> 00:20:06,300
No, no, no.
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00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,120
I'm not going to do it. Two, one, go.
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00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:15,420
Good evening, everyone. My name is Felix
Unger, and I have the great good
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00:20:15,420 --> 00:20:16,420
fortune and honor.
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00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:20,570
to be the campaign manager for Oscar
Madison, who was unfortunately called
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00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:22,550
to help a needy person.
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00:20:24,610 --> 00:20:28,210
I'm surrounded by Mr. Madison's loved
ones.
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00:20:28,710 --> 00:20:34,270
But who wouldn't love the brave hero of
Anzio, who single -handedly saved an
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00:20:34,270 --> 00:20:38,650
entire platoon, the famous 143rd Melting
Pot Platoon.
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00:20:39,490 --> 00:20:43,350
Italians, Jews, Puerto Ricans, you name
them, he saved them.
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00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:47,280
Here is Oscar Madison.
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00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,500
How are the needy people?
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00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:49,720
They're fine.
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00:20:49,820 --> 00:20:54,940
My campaign manager, Felix Unger, gets
carried away and has a great sense of
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00:20:54,940 --> 00:20:58,880
humor. These are not my loved ones.
They're very nice people, I'm sure, but
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00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,020
they're not my loved ones, and I was not
a hero in Anzio.
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00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:05,780
I would like to be a councilman. I think
I did a good job on the playground
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00:21:05,780 --> 00:21:10,900
issue, and if you do elect me, I'll try
harder to do even more for you. Thank
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00:21:10,900 --> 00:21:11,900
you very much.
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00:21:14,990 --> 00:21:16,710
Thank you. Thank you. Here's your
dollar.
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00:21:17,050 --> 00:21:19,090
Here's your dollar. Thank you, madam.
Here's your dollar.
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00:21:22,690 --> 00:21:24,330
Now, why are you so mad at me?
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00:21:24,910 --> 00:21:29,270
If I made a mistake, it's only because
of Oprah's zealousness. I went too far.
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00:21:29,370 --> 00:21:30,129
All right.
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00:21:30,130 --> 00:21:31,350
Trying to get me votes from who?
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00:21:31,550 --> 00:21:32,550
Ghouls in Pennsylvania?
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00:21:33,130 --> 00:21:35,910
Ethnically, it wasn't probable. But
she's going to vote for you. She's going
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00:21:35,910 --> 00:21:36,910
vote for you.
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00:21:37,390 --> 00:21:39,890
What are you going to do, fire me? No, I
don't want to fire you. I just don't
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00:21:39,890 --> 00:21:42,490
want to go through that craziness. These
are your loved ones. How am I going to
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00:21:42,490 --> 00:21:46,170
handle that? There's no more craziness.
We've got one more day, and, baby, we're
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00:21:46,170 --> 00:21:47,170
going to go.
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00:21:47,390 --> 00:21:49,070
Where? To the top.
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00:22:42,190 --> 00:22:46,450
sweet and so beguiling, a face you'd
love to kiss.
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00:22:50,590 --> 00:22:54,270
And so election night draws to a close
over New York, ending one of the most
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00:22:54,270 --> 00:22:58,450
harrowing campaigns in local history.
The 34th district had the largest voter
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00:22:58,450 --> 00:23:00,850
turnout, and the final count is now in.
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00:23:01,050 --> 00:23:07,630
It's Simpson with 5 ,413 votes, and
Madison, 5 ,280 votes.
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00:23:08,090 --> 00:23:11,590
Simpson retains his council seat. Now
back to our regular programming.
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00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,780
Simpson is the winner.
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00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:24,360
Hey, come on here. What's the matter
with you people?
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00:23:24,780 --> 00:23:28,200
We got 48 % of the vote. What are you
depressed about?
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00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,000
Do you realize we almost took an
election away from a man who's been
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00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,380
years? I guarantee you Simpson will be
on his toes from now on in.
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00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:38,680
You know who's responsible for this
mostly?
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00:23:39,710 --> 00:23:43,910
My best friend and my campaign manager,
Felix Unger, and he'll explain it better
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00:23:43,910 --> 00:23:44,910
than I will.
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00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:19,440
It's an hour and a half already.
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00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:22,300
You're not listening to me.
313
00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:25,980
Now, hear this.
314
00:24:26,860 --> 00:24:29,140
Now, hear this. You did very, very well.
315
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:34,180
The problem was that you had dreams of
grandeur. You even pictured me as the
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00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:35,180
president, didn't you?
317
00:24:38,820 --> 00:24:40,000
Come on, buddy.
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00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:45,740
Let's go out of here proud. I can't tell
you. You did a great job, and I'm so
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00:24:45,740 --> 00:24:46,740
proud of you.
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00:24:47,210 --> 00:24:49,070
I want to thank you for everything you
did.
321
00:24:49,330 --> 00:24:51,270
Come on, buddy. Let's go home.
322
00:24:52,290 --> 00:24:53,470
You were terrific.
323
00:24:59,450 --> 00:25:00,610
Thank you, Oscar.
24564
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