All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s04e11

You got a half a minute to go.

Yes, indeed he has.

Hey, Oscar is leading, but Leon is
catching up. That's not fair. He's not

the crust.

Leon, eat the crust.

Murray, you got cheese on your nose.

Five, four, three, two, one.

That's it. Okay. No, no, no, no. Not
bad. What he's chewing now doesn't

Okay, okay. The official results.

Oscar wins.

Leon to place.

Murray shows.

Yes, sore loser.

I want a return match with cottage
cheese. I'm supposed to be on a diet.

And now a bonus for the winner.

One pizza with everything on it.

I think I'd better frame it. What is
this?

A wide world of gluttony?

Fun's over, fellas. Oh, hi, Felix.

Hey, you really missed it.

You shouldn't have seen Oscar eating up
all those pizzas. I've seen it. I've

heard it. I've cleaned it up.

You've got cheese on your nose.

Here. What did you do, bring me a puppy?

A dog wouldn't go out on a night like
this.

Look, fellas, he's paper trained.

What's that?

It's your ex -dinner that I cooked for
you that you didn't come home to eat.

Please don't do that in front of the
guys. I want the guys to know how this

food burned to death because you didn't
come home. Boy, that Oscar sure has an

uppity cook.

No, it's his roommate.

They're having a 602.

Domestic squabble. We'd better go.

I think you're right. So long, Oscar.
Oh, wait a minute, folks. Look, I have

play. Oh, no, no, no. I don't think the
Galloping Gourmet would like it.

So long, Jim.

You embarrass me like Dad. Coming down
here with a basket like Little Red

Hood. Do you know what time it is?

It is 9 .32.

So what?

You said you'd be home at 6 .30.

So I couldn't make it. What's the big
deal?

Does it mean nothing to you that I
slaved to give you a decent meal?

All right, I'll eat it. You can't eat
it. It's burned.

Then why'd you bring it down here? To
teach you a lesson.

I don't need a demonstration meal. I'm
not five years old. Look at this. What

this? What, what, what, what, what? I'll
tell you what it is. You're upsetting

my stomach. That's what it is. I'm
upsetting the nerve of the man. He eats

leaning tower of pizza and he blames me.
Oh.

The whole thing's a joke. I just, I'm
crazy. It doesn't matter what I eat or

when I eat it. It's when you aggravate
me that it acts up. Forgive me. It's all

my fault. It is your fault. I'm to
blame. I'm the scapegoat. All right,

on, we'll do things your way. You'll
cook for yourself.

You'll wash for yourself.

You'll clean up for yourself. You won't
have Felix Unger to push around anymore.

Bon appétit.

They appreciate nothing.

They appreciate nothing and they know
nothing.

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

A few potato chips, finely ground.

Some kidney beans, eh?

A few lima beans.

A little garbanzo beans.

A little green peppers, there we go,
some ketchup.

Needs something yellow.

Now that's a nourishing breakfast.

Hey, that looks dry.

Chocolate fudgicle.

Had a match to you and you'd go off like
the Hindenburg.

Don't you know you can't eat food like
that one after the other? I know. That's

why I'm going to make a stew out of it.

Stew.

Yes. Slava's board.

Do me a favor. What? At least use a
placemat. I intend to.

vitamins will go out? Oh, try it. You'll
love it. I don't want my food playing

with your food. It won't kill you, you
know. Oh, Oscar, I can't stand this. I

can't. It's been on for two weeks now.
We have to talk. Don't start again now.

I'm getting so nervous. I think I'm
getting an ulcer.

It's all that bland food. Will you try a
burrito, please?

It's worrying about you. Don't you know
what's going on in your stomach right

this minute? No.

Your ulcer is saying it's so hot down
here, when's he going to eat the

fudgesicle?

Phoenix, if you didn't aggravate me, I
wouldn't have a talking ulcer.

I feel just great.

I want to say, look out! Here comes the
hot stuff.

I can't watch this. I can't watch.

I'm going to eat in my room.

Phoenix, it may surprise you to know
that I know how to take better care of

than you do.

When you have an attack and you're lying
there on... Unconscious.

Don't yell for me. I won't. Because
you're the one who'll be sick.

You're the one who always takes all the
pills.

foot is in my way.

I want to get out of here.

See what I can do, but I think you
belong here. Why?

Well, look at yourself. Look at that
pallor.

Here comes the cute nurse. Pinch my
teeth. Pinch my teeth. I want to be

Here's your lunch, Mr.

Madison.

Oh, I see we're getting some nice
colors.

Yeah, I feel cute, too.

Listen, what are you doing between
transfusions?

Oh, taking temperatures, fooling around
with the doctors. You know, the usual.

Do they actually do that?

Hello, Oscar. How are you feeling?

Hello, Dr. Gordon.

Oh, hello, Unger.

What's with the cups here?

Well, it looks like a joke trick from a
magic shop.

Is this baby food, Doc? I can't believe
it.

Eat your food.

Good bedside manner, Unger.

This chocolate pudding tastes funny.

It should. It's strained liver.

They feed people on Devil's Island
better than this.

I'll eat it. I haven't eaten at all. I'm
starved. I've been up since four.

Doctor, may I, uh, may I consult with
you privately?

You can consult with me, but I'm not
going to split my feet.

Dr.

Oscar has a marked tenderness in the
upper abdominal region here.

Really? You noticed that, too?

Yeah.

And I read his chart.

Making rounds now, Unger?

You are a natural -born doctor.

Be that as it may, I'd like your
opinion.

Keep your voice down. I don't alarm,
Oscar.

What is your prognosis?

Well, about ulcers, most of my
colleagues recommend surgery.

Surgery? What?

But of course, in Oscar's case, it
wouldn't be necessary. I recommend rest

proper diet.

You think you'd be better off at home
under my supervision?

Unger in the world of ulcers, you're
what's known as a carrier.

Of course, if we could find somebody
else to keep him away from the wrong

I'd send him home.

I've got an idea. Let me talk.

See you later.

Oscar. Okay, Doc.

If you're still here.

What do you mean if I'm still here? I
mean, where... Where am I going to be?

You're going to be fine. You're going to
be fine. Now, Oscar.

The doctor and I have had a
consultation. What did he say?

He said... Yeah?

He said I'm a natural -born doctor.

I don't care what he said about you.
What did he say about me? What did he

He said it's too much to expect for me
to have to do everything. Again with

I don't want to hear about you. You're
wearing checks. I'm wearing white. Tell

me what he said about me, the man in
white.

The prescription is home under certain
conditions.

What conditions? That we hire somebody
to do for you all the things I've always

done for you. You're going to hire a
professional pest?

Hello, Mrs. Miller. The agency sent me
about the housekeeper's position and to

take care of the sick boy. Come in, Mrs.
Miller.

Oh, boy, Chick, you don't look so good.

Let me see your head.

Yeah, it's a little warm. No, no, no.
Oh, and isn't it wonderful? Look at you,

all skin and bones.

No, I'm not the one you'll be taking
care of. I'm not sick. It's my roommate.

Come in, come in. Oh, he's skinny like
you, too.

Sit down, Mrs. Miller. I see that, uh...
You're currently employed in a pet

shop? In what capacity?

What capacity? I feed animals and clean
up after them.

You'll be right at home with Mr.
Madison.

Excuse me, Mrs. Miller.

Hi, the agency sent me over. My name is
Mitsu Hanagi.

Hello.

Come in, Miss Hanagi.

Sit down. This is... This is Mrs.
Miller.

How do you do? How do you do?

Call me Fanny.

Felix, what's with the doorbell ringing
Saturday morning? A sick man? I can't

get any sleep. What is going on?

Hello, ladies.

Ladies, I'd like you to meet Mr.
Madison. This is Mrs. Miller.

Oh, this is the sick one.

Oh, you look terrible, boy chick.

He's burning up.

You should go right back to bed,
darling.

Oscar, this is Miss Hanagi. How do you
do?

How do you do?

Yes, can I talk to you for a minute
alone in the kitchen? Yes, excuse me,

ladies. Get the feel of the place,
ladies. Talk to each other. Sit down.

Tell me, sweetheart, how do you make
those radios so small?

Who are those women?

I told you, I'm hiring a nanny for you.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll take the
cute Oriental and... Column A, forget

column B.

Equal opportunity, employers. We do not
discriminate because of cute. This is

the Oscar Madison blech test.

What are you doing?

Now, smear the icebox.

Come on, come on, come on. Put this up
on top. My mother says they never clean

on top. That's very good. Now wash your
hands.

Throw the cigar on the floor. When
you're finished, dry your hands on the

curtain the way you usually do.

Now, Mrs.

Miller, look around you. This kitchen
looks the way it usually does after Mr.

Madison's been in it for two minutes.

Now, Mrs. Miller, find the filth.

In other words, what is wrong with this
picture?

Okay,

okay.

We see what's wrong with this picture.

work in a house where such a clean, good
boy lives, Mr. Long.

And you, my darling, you would be the
sloppy son I never had.

Thank you, Mrs. Miller. Now sit down.
We'll be with you in a moment. Just take

your time. Okay.

Thank you, thank you.

Is that a real pro?

Yeah, for cleaning, yeah.

Equal opportunity. Okay, mess up the
kitchen again.

Now assuming you work for us.

Thank you very much.

Okay. You wasted a lot of filth. I want
Miss Hinoki and that's it.

This is not the dating game.

Then we gotta find somebody we both
want.

There must be someone in this world
who's a perfect nanny for you.

What can I do for you?

I'm your new housekeeper.

Claire Frost from Bayonne, New Jersey.

First thing you can do for me is take
your feet off the coffee table.

You're my nanny?

Mr. Unger met me at the employment
agency this morning. Hired me on the

Made a great impression on me. Yeah,
well, he makes a great impression on

everybody.

Oh, that robe.

When was the last time it was washed?

I don't know. I think it was the Ali
-Frazier fight.

Well, take it off and I'll boil it. No,
Mrs. Frost. Ms.

Ms. Frost.

I don't think this arrangement is going
to work. Mr. Unger hired me and he's the

only one who can fire me.

So give me that robe.

Cigar?

No more.

Say goodbye to the cigar.

Bye -bye, cigar.

Now, I'll get your breakfast.

I'm on a bland diet, so I'll have corned
beef hash and a couple of fried eggs,

okay?

That's funny.

You'll have milk toast and a large bowl
of oatmeal.

Now, where can I freshen up?

Down the hall, first door to your room.
Thank you.

Yeah, she's here.

She's in your room.

No, she's in my room.

The hunger instinct strikes again.

Right to the heart of fun.

When you said you were going to get me a
nanny, be a nice, sweet little lady

with little red cheeks, you have an
umbrella, little

supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Instead, I got the beast of Bayonne.

Don't swipe your suit.

Don't slouch. Sit up straight.

She's Miss Right.

Miss Right.

Where is she?

Disinfecting the bathroom. Oh, boy. Oh,
boy. And does your bathroom need it?

Not my bathroom. She's disinfecting your
bathroom.

How come? She boiled my room.

It's still wet. I can't use it until
tomorrow.

Good evening, Mr. Unger. Have I got a
sparkling and twinkling bathroom for

She's a treasure.

What treasure? You know what she's going
to do? She's going to shampoo the rugs.

She's pure gold.

Don't you understand? If she shampoos
the rugs, you're going to have to fly me

around this apartment like Peter Pan.

I want to get rid of her.

No, sirree, not on your life. You agreed
to abide by my decision. And you agreed

you were going to try to help my Elsa.
It's been acting up ever since she's

here. Venus, don't you feel the tension
in this apartment since Frosty the Snow

Woman got here?

The tension is in your imagination.

No, it's not. The tension is in my
stomach.

We're lucky to have her, don't you know
that? I'm keeping out of your way.

I'm going out tonight with Miriam for
dinner. What are you going to do?

a great football game, one I'd like to
watch.

Drop it!

What do you think you're doing, Mr.
Unker? I was just seasoning the soup.

little bland.

Well, we're treating an ulcer here.

You're right, you're right, right.

It's perfect.

And I don't... think it's the cleanest
thing in the world to put the spoon back

in the pot after spitting your mouth.

You're right. I always do that. I never
think that. Well, that's my job. That's

what you hired me for. That's right. Now
you go and you have a nice evening.

Take over. When you come home, be sure
you step on the papers because I'm going

to shampoo the rug.

Oh, about that.

I wonder if that could wait till
tomorrow. You see, Mr. Madison's a

writer. He wants to watch a football
game on TV tonight.

Mr. Unger, who's the housekeeper here,
you or me?

Well, You are, of course, but Mr.
Madison's a patient. I guess we'll just,

have to humor him.

I'm not Soupy Sales, and this is not the
comedy hour.

You do have a way of filling a room with
tension, don't you?

Mr. Anger, I know your type. You want to
be light.

But in my job, you can't be soft.

You have to wield an iron mop.

Miss Frost, I am no powder puff.

Appearances to the contrary not
withstand.

He's going to watch the ball game. I'm
putting my foot down.

Do you think you're any match for me?

No, but I'm putting my foot down.

When I left the army, I made a promise
to myself.

I said, Frosty, there can only be one
top kick in any outfit.

That's me.

I was a lieutenant in the army.

I was a colonel.

Talk about your temperamental cleanness.

So long, Felix.

Where are you going?

Back to the hospital.

No, no, no. Stay in your own home. Enjoy
it. I got rid of the jailer. I know,

and I appreciate it, but the warden is
still here.

You're right.

Go on, go on. I guess you're right.

I only upset you. I'll take you down
there. No, you don't have to. I'll get a

cat. No, no, I'll get a cat for you. No,
the doorman will get the cat for you.

Let me do it. The doorman will get the
cat for you!

Don't worry about anything.

I'll be over there first thing in the
morning.

This would be a perfect time to shampoo
the rugs.

What are we having for dinner?

Rump roast.