All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s04e09

Next week on our show, Family USA,
Mother Betty attends a PTA meeting and

Harvey stars in a school hygiene pageant
as an abscessed tooth.

Shut it off, Murray. Shut it off. Wait,
I want to hear about the husband and the

daughter. Husband Bob, teenage daughter
Allison, and boyfriend Brian go to

Cleveland on a shopping spree.

Gee, those people have a great life.

It's such an awful show.

I liked it, Felix.

You're a wonderful man, Murray.

You like it because you're not a pro.
Pros can see right through that kind of

gut.

I liked it. It was dull, Murray. Dull.

Well, it was a documentary about an
average family of just everyday people

you and me.

Everyday people aren't necessarily dull.
I'm certainly not dull. You... You're

not a pro, Murray. You're just...

The first rule of filmmaking is no
matter what your subject is, you don't

it in a dull, uninteresting manner. That
director, he had no imagination. He

never probed into the insides of that
family. They had no drama. The father

finds out his daughter's a prostitute.
Big deal.

They never got into it. Why? Why does he
find out?

He's sick and tired of your validation
of feelings.

Did you say what I thought you said?

Yes, I did. I'm fed up with your
crabbing.

That's not what you said, Martin. Oh,
bellyaching, crabbing, it's all the same

thing, and I'm fed up with it.

That's not like you.

I'm not like me. The police department's
been having group therapy sessions, and

we're supposed to say exactly what we
feel.

You'll find I'm a lot more candid now,
and I'm going to be candid with you,

Felix. If you think you know so much,
then why don't you make your own

Instead of criticizing everybody else,
just put your money where your mouth is,

buster.

Pretty good.

Now I'm going to go home and straighten
out my wife.

He's right.

The fuzz is right.

You know how you can make it
interesting. The first thing you see out

window, there's the janitor. Zoom in.
No, he's boring. He's a boring janitor.

You've got to talk to the landlord about
finding a more exciting janitor.

Someone with charisma.

Someone who's classic.

The odd couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

Would you mind zooming out, please?

Don't you want to know why I zoomed in?
No.

Why not? Because I don't care. Oh,
you're just being baggy. What have you

the bag?

My dinner. I don't have time to eat.
I'll make you something.

You're not going to eat in your room. I
won't make a mess.

You'll attract bugs.

They've got to eat, too.

Sherman marched through Georgia. He left
it neater than this.

That's why you followed me around.

I've had a brainstorm.

What? I want to make a film.

Go ahead. Listen, you're a cleanie,
maybe you're a felini.

I want to make a film about you.

Are you kidding? I'm a working man. How
can you be bothered with that? I won't

bother you. You'll never know I'm here.
Cinema verite.

See? I'm patting down, I'm patting down
your leg and I zoom in on your sock.

Now you've got to toss your pants across
the lap, aren't you?

No, I'm going to hang them up, see?

I zoom across.

I zoom down across the bed, across the
floor. I've got to shoot this in black

and white. Nobody would ever believe it.

Why all of a sudden are you going to do
a film? Because every time I see a movie

or watch TV, I hear myself say, I could
do it better. And tonight I just got fed

up with my belly aching and I said to
myself, Felix, be candid with yourself.

Put your money where your mouth is.

I haven't seen you this excited since
they invented liquid wax.

It's not important.

It really is. It really is. And you
won't bother me. I promise you'll never

them. I'll very tell you. You're just
yourself. I'm a camera. I'm invisible.

Okay, shoot your picture, but I don't
want to notice you. You'll never know

I'm there. Okay, good night. Good night.
Not the light. Good night, star.

Good night. Good night.

Good night. Don't let the bugs bite.

Oscar's bedroom, take one.

You're eating a sandwich.

I'm going.

Now I'm panning down across the bed,
across the floor of my title shop. I've

my title.

Mondo Filth.

Ah, the star awakened.

Go back, go back, go back, go back.

Wait a second.

Here we're coming. All right, action.

That's it.

As you come in, I want to get your
characteristic slump.

Don't say that. I don't slump. Here we
are.

Okay. Action. Now you're coming into
frame.

You're coming in.

That's great. That is so good.

Where's the slump?

That's marvelous.

That's marvelous. Now, wait a second.
Let me get a close -up of your food.

This isn't a bad spot for a film. Hey,
don't go on the good spot. How's that?

Isn't that great?

Isn't that sensational?

What a sense of humor. What a guy.
There's a newspaper right in front of

face, though. See, I put something in
front of me, I look at the words, it's

full written.

That's how I make my living.

It's more important. All right, cut,
cut. Fix it over.

Wait a second.

Don't leave me. I haven't had your
dessert yet. Dessert with breakfast?

Prunes.

Prunes? You eat prunes first.

I'm shooting out of sequence.

Anyway, I hate prunes.

That's what I want to get. I want to get
every facet of your personality.

Every single bit of you. Yeah. I want to
get the hate. You want to get the hate?

Yeah. Okay. You rolling? Yeah. On my
arm. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Can you guess where my camera is?

Here. Yeah.

No, don't touch the lens. You never
touch a lens. That's my microphone.

Hello!

Don't shout.

It's too delicate.

I don't know. I don't think Mr.
Madison's going to like this. Well, he

have to know about it. You're not going
to tell him, are you?

Okay, mum's the word. Now, the main
thing is just to engage him in

Talk. Loud. Get him to talk loud. And
try to get him to face up towards the

camera. Okay. Okay. I think he's coming.

picture.

You said you'd call me Felix after
earlier this morning than Megan.

I'll go plug in the pipe.

Before you do that, give me the New York
Jets file, will you?

What? Give me the New York Jets file.

What? I said give me the New York Jets
file.

Don't you want to talk?

No, I just want the file.

I said, what's with all the yelling
here?

That's better. How are you?

He caught you.

Oh, I couldn't fool you, could I? But it
was worth it. I got some great feeling.

I don't want that around my neck
anymore. I don't want it in front of my

anymore.

Hey, Phoenix, will you stop?

A week ago, you promised you weren't
going to bother me. Now you're in my

at home. You're in my hair at work. Give
me the file, will you? I've got to

stop. I can't do it anymore. I'm not
getting any work done. Give me the file.

Look, she's looking at the camera.

Phoenix, here. Look.

Hey. Bye -bye. The end. Oh, no, no, no.
You're not going to walk off in the

picture, are you? Yes, I am. No, you
wouldn't. Oh, it's coming along so

beautifully. I've seen the stuff. It's
great.

Phoenix, are you willing to show your
film to a professional and let him

whether it's good or not?

Do I have to? Yeah.

Then I will. Okay, I'll bring him home
for dinner tonight. Who is he? Phil

Russell. He makes spaghetti westerns.
Okay, I'll make some spaghetti.

Remember to buy spaghetti.

Lovely spaghetti dinner, Felix.

Thank you, Phil.

Now, here's a shot of Oscar eating
breakfast.

Isn't that marvelous? Do you ever see a
man eat like that?

There's the original stain.

There's the new one.

Sensational, huh? Here's a shot of
Oscar's bedroom.

Call this scene Believe It or Not.

I didn't have to have a set decorator.
His room looks like that all the time.

Here's Oscar asleep under a blanket of
old clothes magazine.

Like that.

Here's Oscar shaving.

Here's the man shaved like that with a
cigar in his mouth.

Here he is brushing his teeth at the
kitchen sink.

Washing his mouth out with beer.

Was that water running, Phil?

Did you just feel the wetness?

Tactile value?

Look at Oscar, washing his hands on
film.

Look at what we can't... That's what I
call acting.

Acting? I've been washing my hands like
that all my life. And that's all she

wrote.

Great footage, huh?

Not so loud, Phoenix.

I think your great footage put him to
sleep.

When I was asleep, I was just thinking.

You were thinking how you can get out of
here without telling them how rotten it

was, right, Phil? On the contrary, it
was terrific.

Really? Really? In fact, you gave me an
idea here.

Felix, I'm doing a film that is dying.

It's about a girl, Christine, a sweetie
stewardess.

But it needs, it needs something to
balance it. I need a story about a

man.

Oscar, he comes across as a lonely man.
Yeah.

If I could put my film about the Swedish
stewardess together with your film

about the lonely man, it would be
perfect.

My film is 16 millimeters.

My super eight. But I'll blow it up.

I want you to direct the rest of this
picture.

We'll have a big confrontation scene
where the lonely man meets Christina.

As a matter of fact, we can shoot that
scene right here in this apartment.

What about a script?

Improvise, just like you've always done.
I'll supply the lights and the crew. My

own crew!

And all you have to supply is the
apartment and the lonely man.

You got him!

Actor Prepares by Stanislavski. Who's
he? The founder of the Method School of

Acting. This is the Bible.

I think you should have a lesson in
acting.

Acting? What happened to be yourself?

That's when you were being yourself.

But now you must become a character.

Luke Marlowe. Luke Marlowe?

Luke Marlowe.

Lonely, sports writer, slob.

I think we should begin at the beginning
with a very simple exercise.

Yes. All right, I think you should
become...

Before you can become a man, you must be
something simpler. Acting is becoming.

You become an object.

What was that before I was Oscar
Madison? A pretzel?

Here's a pretzel.

That's too easy, see? I think you should
be... A tree.

What kind of tree?

Any kind of tree you want to be.

I'm an uncle.

That's very good.

Why'd you stop?

I saw a dog coming.

It's not silly. It's not silly. You see,
you chose to be that kind of tree.

Acting... It's a matter of choices. The
greatest actors make the most

interesting choices.

You could have chosen to be a bush.

That's a bush.

A thorn bush, you see. You feel the
thorns, you feel the danger. Yes, yes.

don't have to be a bush. You could have
chosen to be a hedge.

That's a hedge.

A perfectly trimmed hedge.

That's the kind of hedge I would be if I
were a hedge.

You would be a sloppy hedge. Yeah.

Now, emotion.

The most important part of acting.

to throw an emotion at you, you respond.

Hate. Oh, you say hate. I'm supposed to
say hate. No, no. You use emotional

recall. You recall a time when you hate
it and then it comes flooding out.

That's what the great actors do. Right
now.

Hate. Boy,

that came from the heart. I felt that.
That was great.

What were you recalling? The day you
moved.

The same day.

I'm having fun with you.

See, that's why you're acting with
superstition. You think you can't do it.

What are you doing?

I want to answer the door. You're not
going to use any of the things we

practiced? There's an entry. No, no.

What are you going to do?

You create a situation out of reality.
You heard the doorbell ring. Who's

I don't know until I see it. Your worst
enemy.

Who? The worst enemy you have in the
world.

The man who put the bullet in your leg.

The man who stole your wife away and
broke both your arms.

He's on the other side of the door. You
can hear him breathing. He can hear you.

You reach for the doorknob. He reaches
for his luger. You enter the door.

Well,

this is the big day.

Is this the set?

Yeah. You like it?

Yeah, perfect for a living room.

It is a living room, Ed.

Where's Oscar? He's in the wardrobe.
I'll get it.

Patience, everybody. We'll be right with
you.

Oscar?

Well, Phil, I hope this scheme of yours
works.

Where's the bed?

Get the bed.

There's only three ways we can go with
this film. If we show the Christina film

now the way it is... We'll get a double
X rating and go to jail. What?

If we cut in that Navy stuff, well, then
we can only show it in the Philippines.

Well, you know how much money there is
there.

I got enough bamboo.

So we go with Luke, the lonely sports
writer, and hope for an R with an

explanation.

Do you really think having Madison will
give it the remedially sociable value

built?

Let's hope so.

Well, where's the...

Let me handle the creative.

All right. Here's our star.

Oscar,

baby, you look wonderful. Meet my
partner, Ed. Nice to meet you. I love

Colin. Well, you know my motto is never
interfere with the artist.

So if you're all set, we'll eat. Come
on. You're set. The camera's loaded.

ready to roll.

Hey, you bring this in for less than $10
,000 and I'll kiss you. Not only that,

we're going to make a picture you can
take your children to see. Are you

kidding? Where's the bed?

So spread out for a nice party. Let's
have you in two steps so I can get you.

This is going to be rehearsal more for
me than for you, I assure you. But we're

going to have a nice party.

I'm going to begin here on the flowers.

I'm going to go from couple to couple.
So let's try it just for me now. Here we

are. And action.

That's very nice. Very nice. Try to keep
your hair back from your face, dear.

That's nice.

That's not how you're dancing. We'll dub
in music later.

That's sweet. That's very good.

Very, very good. And we come down here.
Where are they?

There they are.

You two have just met.

Oh, but I really dig him. Not most
professionally.

But, I mean, I really dig you. You don't
understand. You're not motivated.

Yes, she is. We're motivated.

Man, woman, recall, all those things.
Now, sit up straight. Sit up straight.

You're a nice girl.

You've just met. You sit on the couch
and you talk.

Talk? You mean there's sound? Of course.
Put the microphone on. Oh, I've never

been on sound. before. Well, I think I
could sing.

Listen, I'm a little nervous, too. See,
I never acted before.

Oh, acting's easy.

It is?

No, I'm just a substitute school
teacher.

I've done lots of movies.

Did you see Last Tango in Tijuana?

You mean Last Tango in Paris?

There's one in Paris, too.

Oh, far out.

I've got to make it to Sweden. Do you
know how creative they are?

Get back in your place, actor.

Hey, are you playing Luke?

Yeah. Hi, I'm playing Harry, the
friendly next door neighbor.

Don't I know you? Did you see Last
Tangle?

In Tijuana?

No, Tampa.

Didn't you work on a newspaper?

No, I work in a hospital. I'm a male
nurse.

Felix.

No, that's all right.

There's something fishy about these
actors here. You got butterflies in your

stomach? No, will you listen to me?
She's not nice. She's a substitute

schoolteacher. He's a male nurse. You
see what I mean?

Relax, Luke.

No, will you forget the Luke? This is
Oscar. There's something strange about

these actors. You're nervous, aren't
you? That's good. Use it. Use it. Keep

in the park. Here we go, everybody. All
right, thank you, everybody. That was an

excellent rehearsal.

Now we're going for a take. This time,
give it everything you've got.

Use emotional recall.

The same thing. We're going to start on
the flowers.

And...

picture about a human being. Phil had
another picture in mind about a

kind of a human being. Those two could
never have gotten together. What are you

talking about? Don't you know the kind
of film he wanted to make? No.

It was a porno film.

A double X rated film. The smut you see
on 42nd Street.

ambition. All I saw was my name on a
film.

Thank you, Oscar, for saving me. You're
a true friend.

One thing.

Only the director says cut.

Oscar.

It's late.

No. Can I come in? Sure.

Little flea.

Can I talk with you for a while?

No, go ahead.

It's so ironic.

Felix Unger to make a mutt movie.

I've been a photographer, what, all my
life since I was 14.

You know, remember when I was a kid?

There was a woman. I thought she was an
older woman who lived down the street.

Francis Kugel.

We all lost boys used to think about
her. She was a gay divorcee.

She used to undress without pulling the
blind down.

So, one night I took my camera and I
stuck out and I made pictures of her

undressing. I was such a straight kid. I
was such a prude.

To this day, I've never developed those
things.

Good night. Good night. What are you
gonna do tomorrow?

Have that film developed.