All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s03e20

There's ashes in the dip. I ran out of
chives.

Oh, I wish Felix was home.

One for him.

One for me.

One for Oscar.

Another one for him.

That's it. That's it. The game's over.

Go on. Good night.

Oscar, this is every day I get to play
cards with a big television celebrity.

Just because he's a celebrity doesn't
make him different than you and me.

I can't believe you went to college with
him.

And I can't believe this poker game. You
with him, you with your tie.

What's wrong with a tie?

Speed, the last time you wore a tie was
when you had a mark on your neck you

didn't want your wife to see.

I'm telling you, it's no big deal to
play cards with Monty Hall.

Especially when he beats you.

So you won a couple of dollars. Now you
go back to announcer school and get a

diploma this time. Look, you know how
much money I give away on my show every

day? Thousands of dollars, right?

You know how nice it is to win a few
bucks sometimes?

Want to double or nothing?

No, no, no.

Hey, what happened in that room back
there?

Oh, that's Oscar's room. We always laugh
about it.

No, no, I don't mean Oscar's room. We
used to laugh about that in college,

You know, that's where we used to keep
the goats for the football team.

It was a better roommate than Felix.

No, I mean your roommate's room. It
smells like something burned back there.

no, forget it. Well, is that the end of
the game? That's it.

Well, that's just as well. I got two
let's -make -a -deals to do tomorrow,

need my rest. Yeah, I gotta go, too.

Well, good night, Bonnie. Good night.
It's a pleasure, mate. You too. Good

night, boys.

Thanks for autographing my chick. Ah,
that's all right.

Hey, Oscar, I've been in town a whole
week. You haven't come down to see my

once yet. How about you? It's a great
show. It's not my cup of tea. I don't

to see all those people in crazy
costumes jumping up and down like that.

Doesn't that really bug you? Why should
it bug me? I like those people. They're

very nice, ordinary people.

Well, good night, Oscar. Good night.

Oh, my dear.

Well, I gotta get going. No, no, no. I
want you to wait a minute. Listen. Why?

want you to help me to throw Felix's bed
down the basement.

Are you two fighting again?

No, no. Listen. I had an accident. What
happened?

Well, my bed broke down. I slept in
here. I fell asleep smoking a cigar.

You

through

with the tweets?

Goes right through the box, straight
down to the carpet.

Do the people downstairs know about
this?

Will you grab the mattress?

Felix won't be back for three days.
There's no reason he has to find out.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right, but he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

What? By the time I put it out and found
the cigar and everything, that's what I

had. It's just a little hole.

And here's another little hole.

What do I see down there? Hello, Mrs.
Johnson.

Where am I supposed to sleep?

I'll take care of that, buddy.

Look at my beautiful bed.

Nice to see you home, Felix.

I had nothing to do with this.

Good night, Oscar.

Yeah, buddy, what are you, kidding? I'm
not going to sleep on an army top.

Want me to bathe out of my helmet?

This was Blanche in my wedding bed.

But you weren't supposed to come back
until Tuesday.

The job ended soon. Forgive me.

I rushed home. I took a plane.

All I could think of was the security of
sleeping in my own comfy bed.

Didn't you sleep on one of these in the
army? I did not.

I had an orthopedic car.

I bought it special in the PX. The other
guys made fun of me. But I'm the one

who won the good posture medal.

What am I talking about? I need a bed.

Here's all the money I have.

Tomorrow you'll go and you'll buy a bed.
I saw one advertised for $55.

What kind of bed can you get for $55?

Hardly used.

Light another cigar, Oscar. Burn a hole
in my heart.

For the money I have, try it. Go ahead.
You'll be coming. You can't. You'll be

snug as a mug in a run. Come on, light
up. Put your feet up.

I'm too tired to take my clothes off.
That's great. There you go.

Good night, buddy.

How you doing, buddy?

How did you sleep last night? Great,
how'd you sleep?

Slept beautifully.

Except that I had to get up every hour
for my spasm.

Okay, okay, here we go.

Let me know if this hurts.

Because I don't know what the heck I'm
doing.

How's your back feel?

Better.

And my ears hurt.

What do you want, baby?

Sit down, Oscar.

I have my figures here now. What
figures?

What you owe me.

Owe you for what?

For my bed.

I gave you the money for your bed last
night. No, you gave me money for your

idea of a bed.

You're going to make good for the
property you destroyed. Now, I have here

mattress, one box spring, one carpet,
and sundries, $975.

How much is it without the sundries?

Well, you're going to have to get it,
Mr. Firebug.

That was a custom -made mattress.

Custom -made? Yes. You know how they
come in soft, regular, firm, and very

Well, mine was very firm around the
edges and soft in the center. It was the

only one like it in the world.

Well, when we get a very firm mattress,
then I'll jump in the middle.

Are you going to reimburse me for my
property, or are you not? Phoenix, I

you last night. I gave you all the money
I got.

Drink beer for breakfast. No caffeine.

I don't have it. I'm sorry.

Sorry isn't going to buy me a new bed.

Or a new back.

This is on your head.

Come in.

Felix!

Oh, I didn't expect you till Tuesday.

Oh, no.

What? Your back?

Why did you hurt your back?

I slept on an army cot last night. Oscar
used my mattress for an ashtray.

I came down, Oscar, to thank you for
those tickets.

Oh, that's okay.

Tickets to what? The Chicago fire?

Oscar got tickets for my mother and me
to go see Let's Make a Deal. My mother

won a color television.

You're kidding.

No, and then, and then Monty Hall gave
her a kiss. She liked that better than

the television.

Monty's a great kisser. Yeah, I gotta go
to work. I'll see you later. Now take

care of yourself.

You're going on Let's Make a Deal.

Are you crazy?

You're going to win a new bed, your
friends are going to see you on TV, and

Monty Hall is going to kiss your mother.

Where's your friend Monty Hall?

How long does he expect me to wait?

He's doing us a favor, remember?

Felix, could you show a little more
enthusiasm?

They're like bubbly people on the show.
Sorry, I can't help it.

Well, force yourself.

They're like a guy with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm has nothing to do with it.
You make the right choice, and you win.

Yeah, before you can make the right
choice, you have to be chosen.

How do you do that? You get Monty's
attention.

You'll notice me.

Nice gentleman sitting here.

You should have out of your mind. Look,
I'll show you how the show works. I'll

be Monty Hall. You'll be a contestant,
all right? You'll see how it works.

I'm Monty Hall, and I come down, and I
say, Now, who am I going to make a deal

with?

With your hand like that, when there's
an egg salad sandwich over there

screaming, take me, not the gentleman,
take me, take me. What am I supposed to

do? You're supposed to stand up and yell
and jump. I can't do that. Oh, come on.

Where's your sense of showmanship?
Where's your personality? You want me to

up and down and pick me? Right, right,
exactly, exactly, exactly.

That feels good. Pick me, pick me, pick
me.

I picked you, I picked you, right? Okay,
now I say to you, would you take the

$500 that's in this envelope or take
what's behind curtain number one?

Well, I'll take the curtain. No, no, no,
not the curtain.

Why not?

Because you don't know what's behind
there. Maybe a polar bear. How would you

like to sleep on a polar bear?

He's softer than that cot.

Peter, believe me, take the money. But I
want a bed.

The odds are against you. Take the
money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I wonder what's behind the curtain. Oh,
don't be. No, you have to pull.

Can I be of any help?

Oscar. Hi. I know you.

You're Monty Hall.

Let's make a deal.

How are you? Good to meet you. Oscar,
what are you doing here? Didn't you tell

me you'd never come down to see my show?

Well, I'm not here for myself.

You remember what you smelled in my
apartment? Yeah. That was Felix's bed.

burned for you. I burned it. Now, I'd
like to get him on Let's Make a Deal so

could win another one.

No way.

Oh. No, no, I'm sorry. I couldn't get
either one of you on the show.

But you're the big man here. He's a
crowd pleaser. Well, maybe not a crowd

pleaser. More of a group pleaser,
actually. A small group.

Felix. They love me, little people. You
see, we have rules on this show.

The rules state no friends.

No relatives, no friends of relatives,
no relatives of friends. Who's going to

know? I'm going to know.

Marty, we need you in the control booth.

All right, I'll be right up there.

Why don't you stick around? Maybe we can
see each other later.

Nice to meet you.

That's that.

Phoenix, I'm going to get you on Let's
Make a Deal.

I don't want to do anything devious,
Oscar. You heard him say when you...

Phoenix, no.

I've outsmarted him in college. I
outsmarted him at the poker table. And

going to outsmart him on Let's Make a
Deal.

If this doesn't work, I'll be humiliated
in front of 30 million people.

That's a chance I'm willing to take.

Hurry up, will you, Felix? Miriam won't
be down any minute. I don't want Miriam

to see me like this.

She's not going to recognize you, which
will prove that Monty won't recognize

you. Come on, I told you she's going to
have a big surprise.

Come on.

Oh,

just stay, stay.

Come in, Miriam.

She recognized me right away.

That's because she knows you live here,
right, Miriam? No, actually, Felix, I

recognized your walk.

How did you happen to choose a chicken?

How did I choose a chicken? He chose it.
I've watched that show.

Everybody goes as a chicken. This won't
work. Nobody goes as a chicken. In the

words of Abraham Lincoln, you can fool
some of the people all of the time, but

never in feathers.

There you go. Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln jumping up and down
saying, notice me, pick me, Monty, pick

Lincoln was six foot five.

Okay. You'll go as young Lincoln.

How's it look, Marie?

Like Abraham Chicken.

Not going to do it. Hey, put these on.
Put these on.

There we go.

You can go as Murray Struthers.

I'm not going to do it.

How does a man get out of... this
chicken outfit.

It's off my head. He just won't go on.
Yes, I will go on, but I won't go on as

Murray's brother or as a president with
drumsticks.

There must be a very special costume.
And I've thought of the perfect one. I

only one thing of you.

What? Back me up.

Felix, it was ridiculous. It's a perfect
costume.

Monty will never recognize this. I get
the feeling I'm going to be embarrassed.

You got a better idea?

No. Then relax. Have fun.

So, you turned down the $1 ,000 for
what's behind curtain number three, and

let's take a look and see what we have
back there. Oh, 200 catalogs.

Worth $94 .36, but that's the way it
happens sometimes when you get zonked.

Thank you for being such a good sport on
Let's Make a Deal. And in just a

moment, after this commercial message,
we're going to come back and pay $10 for

anyone who has a rubber band.

That'll be just one minute from now.

How are we doing on time? We're right on
time.

Oscar. What?

You've got a rubber band. This is our
chance. No, I don't. Yes, you do. It's

holding your socks up.

Billy.

You know it's killing you. Ten dollars.
Ten dollars. Where is it?

Will he take a broken?

I don't know what's happening to me. A
week ago, I was a happy sports writer.

Today, I'm the back end of Mr. Ed.

Don't worry, we're going to get on the
show. We've got the best costume here.

Did you see some of this ridiculous
people around here?

All right.

Time once again to go back to Let's Make
a Deal and pay off those $10 for every

rubber band we have here. Here's the
young lady right over here.

Here's your $10. Thank you very much for
the rubber band.

Down, down, down, down, silver.

There's a good horse.

There you are. We'll take the rubber
band.

And we'll give you $10. There you are.
Now, who else might have it? Let's make

deal. Let's make a deal, Monty. Let's
make a deal.

This horse is a nag.

You want to make another deal? All
right. We'll take your $10, and you can

for what's behind the curtain. But first
of all, let's see who I'm dealing with

here. This is Frederick Ungman and Ozzie
Malone. All right.

Frederick and Ozzie, let's see what we
have for you behind the curtain.

And you have yourself a new waffle iron.

A waffle iron?

Don't you have any bedroom furniture
back there?

Just a minute, Frederick. You haven't
seen it all, because there's something

that goes with the waffle iron. Oh.
Right behind there in the curtain. So,

can keep your waffle iron and what's
behind it, or... Or? You can have what's

under the box, or... Another or? Yes,
you can have what's in this envelope,

here I have some money, and I guarantee
you there's at least $100 in cash in

there. Take the envelope!

Oh, I want to beg.

What is it going to be? The curtain or
the box? The curtain.

Take the money and run.

Look at this, folks.

Ozzie speaks.

This is a very talented horse.

It talks at both ends.

Why don't you take off your costume and
let's take a look and see what you look

like. No.

Come on, folks. Everybody wants to see
your faces. Why don't you do that?

Some other time, folks.

No, come on.

Don't take off the costume. It's no
deal. Come on now. Oh, no, that's

No, no. No, no, that's blackmail. Oh,
no. There we are.

Felix.

Felix Unger. Folks, you know who this
is.

This is New York's finest photographer,
Felix Unger. Hello, America.

I wonder who's in the other half. Could
it possibly be Oscar?

Yeah, well, there. Yes, it's Oscar.

find a sports writer.

Oscar, what are you doing now, covering
the races from the inside?

Come on out here and let's take a look
at you. Come on, Oscar. Might as well.

Keep your sense of humor.

What about my sense of dignity?

So, Oscar Madison, this is the man who
said, where'd he get all those crazy

people to come dress to your show, huh?

And here he is himself in the horse's
flesh.

You're a clever man.

Well, this sounds like a good time to
take a break for a commercial message,

then we'll come back for the next half
of the Oscar and Felix show. This should

be a lot of fun. Stick around.

30 seconds, Monty.

Right. Well, Oscar, nice to have you
here. You look just great in tails.

You'll kill me, Monty.

Speak up, don't mumble. Kill me!

I just can't believe it. Oscar Madison
right here on my show.

That's terrific.

Does this mean you're going to have to
disqualify us?

Would I do a thing like that? I bet he
would. No, no, that's not my style.

Ah, doggone it, Mr. Hall. You're a
person.

No wonder millions of people love you.

You're on, buddy.

All right, it's time now to resume with
Felix and Oscar. You boys know what you

have. You have the waffle iron, and I
said you could have that and what's

it. Yeah. Or the box or the cash, and we
know there's at least $100 in cash. So

what's it going to be?

Oh.

Let's consider this very, very
carefully. Sure, take the envelope.

Why the envelope?

Why now?

Good thinking. We'll take the envelope.
You're going to take the envelope.

All right, first of all, we'll see what
was behind the waffle iron.

There was a gourmet rotisserie. Oh, a
rotisserie.

I always wondered that. Oh, we blew it.

Wait a minute now.

That's what was behind the waffle iron.
Now let's take a look and see what you

blew under the box.

There was a microwave oven. Oh!

Because I said you still have cash in
here. And now let's find out how much

we have. I told you there's at least
$100.

There's the $100.

Now watch this.

$200.

$300.

$400.

$500.

$600.

$700. $800.

How much do you have the $800?

Maybe you'd be interested in trading the
$800 for one of our three curtains

because the big deal today is worth over
$5 ,000.

Yes! Yes. The yeses have it two to one.

You decide what curtain you want. I'll
see if I can find somebody else to trade

away what they already have.

Take the money.

What is $800 compared to $5 ,000? I feel
lucky. Listen to me. I'd listen to you.

We would be in this swell horse's
outfit.

All right, now, this gentleman right
back here is going to trade in his

refrigerator freezer for curtain number
three. What curtain do you want?

Oh, that means I can have number one or
number two. That's right. Okay, I'll

take that.

Come on, Ted, I'm not... Well, I'll go
for broke with number two. Go for broke.

A very adequate choice of words.

Because behind curtain number two, we
have 20 cases of canned squid.

Canned squid?

Maybe there's a mistake. Maybe that was
the wrong curtain.

Canned squid?

But wait a moment.

You'll notice this beautiful young lady
has just brought forth one can of canned

squid. And on this can, there's a little
note. And in the note, there's a

message. And what could that message be?
This is the big one. This is the big

one. It'll be a trip to Europe. All
right, now. You want to keep your squid

the message that's contained herein.

But if you don't, I'll give you back
your $800 and a $200 bonus, and then

have $1 ,000 in cash. What do you want
to do? Keep the squid.

Do you, Jacques Cousteau?

No, no, keep the squid. This is the
trick. This is the trick. We'll take the

money.

The money. Yes. Ah, you're not going to
take the squid. No. All right, you have

the $1 ,000, right? Yes. Okay, here is
your $1 ,000.

Yes. Now I'm going to show you what you
turn down when you turn down the squid.

The message says, are you ready for
this? Yes. If you'd have kept the squid,

would have owed you one more can of
squid.

Who did this? Who did this? Who did
this?

You can see how happy the boys are, and
why not? They have $1 ,000.

$1 ,000.

But that's not the reason why Oscar is
smiling.

Why am I smiling?

You see, friends, I've known Oscar
Madison for many, many years.

And we sort of stretch things just a
little bit to allow him to participate

the show and win all the money.

But as the rules clearly say, that no
friends or relatives can play and win

money on Let's Make a Deal.

I just know what Felix and Oscar want to
do with their winnings today.

What?

Felix and Oscar would like to donate the
$1 ,000 to their favorite orphanage.

No! No!

I'll make a deal with the orphanage.

I'm kidding, you don't. I'm kidding. I'm
an orphan myself.

It is a beautiful bed. If he declared
out the money, I'd have to pay him back

a month.

Forever. Okay. Each of you will find on
your plate something very special. What

do you see out here?

A carrot. And, Monty, what do you see on
your plate?

One potato chip.

Okay. Let's make a deal.

Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. All right.
I'll pick you. Now, I'll tell you what.

I'll trade you for your carrot. You can
have a plate number one, plate number

two, or a plate number three. What will
it be?

Plate number one. Plate number one. And
let's see what else we get. Plate number

one.

your potato chip. You can have either
plate number two or plate number three.

Take two. Take two. Two, two, two, two,
two. Take two.

Two. Two it is for Monty, which leaves
plate number three for Lucky Felix.

just see what Felix is going to do. Oh,
that's beautiful.

Now, here is plate number two for Monty.

Very nice, juicy canned squid.