All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s03e19

Hey, Billy.

You're home early.

Oh, have I got a surprise for you.

You wipe your feet?

Bigger than that.

I have four of the hottest tickets for
the hottest show on Broadway, free

tonight. You've got tickets for Kiss My
Face? Yes, that's right.

What is that crazy musical?

That's fantastic. How did you do it?
People have been waiting a year and a

for tickets to that show. I got the
theater critic four tickets to the Jets

game, and he got me these.

Oh, that's sensational.

Miriam's coming down for dinner. This is
better. We'll go to the theater.

What'll I do with my baked noodles?

Put them in a bag. We'll take them to
the theater.

I'll freeze them.

Oh, boy, I love the score to that show.

Kiss my nose.

Kiss my toes.

Is that this show? Oh, yeah. Don't you
love it? Maybe I like it better when

do it.

Kidding me?

Who's your date gonna be? Well, that
requires a little sport, doesn't it?

Not everybody appreciates an evening in
the theater.

You got to figure who'll get the most
out of it, huh?

Oh, I got to figure out how I can get
the most out of it.

Felix, don't you understand?

This is a sure thing. He's a guaranteed
can't -miss point scorer.

This is unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

A playwright struggles for two years
with this script.

Finally, when he's finished his
masterpiece, he slumps over the

exhausted and says, good, now Oscar
Madison can score.

So I can't let him down, huh?

It's your life.

Why don't you give it back to me?

Better go tell Miriam upstairs.

Who are you calling, Rhoda?

Rhoda? Are you kidding? Rhoda's the last
resort.

Hello, Phyllis? It's Oscar.

Listen, I just got my hands on tickets
to the hottest show on Broadway. Kiss my

face. Yeah, now the only one I
considered taking was you. I mean, you

style, you got the class, you got the
dresses. Yeah, so you're the only one I

would consider taking.

Tonight.

You can't make it?

Don't worry, I'll get somebody else.

Hello, Rhoda.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier, Madison's wife
had thrown him out, requesting that he

never return.

Can two divorced men share an apartment
without driving each other crazy?

The odd couple were filmed in front of a
live audience.

Hello, Rhoda.

Oscar.

Oscar Maness.

How many Oscars do you know?

You know Oscar Homolka?

Wait a minute, listen. Rhoda, I got
great tickets tonight for the hottest

on Broadway, Kiss My Face, and you're
the only one I considered taking.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well, can't you postpone it?

Can't you push it back one day?

Oh, sure. Okay.

And congratulations. I'm sure you'll
make a pretty bride.

That's the whole book.

Now I'm up to weights and measures.

What are you doing?

I'm getting dressed. Come on, come on.
We don't have much time.

Who's your date?

Oh, I'm not sure. You know.

Well, you don't have any time now. Come
on, you better get one. Well, you know,

Phineas, I'm kind of bored going out
with the same girls all the time. You

no spark, no interest. I want to meet
someone new and exciting, you know.

that's fine.

What about tonight?

Well, I figured I would go alone and
take the extra ticket with me, you know.

Whatever life has in store for me, I'll
be ready for it. I'll meet it head on.

You know what I mean?

You couldn't get a date. Shut up.

What happened to all your prospects?

Well, they couldn't make it. Either they
were sick or they had something they

couldn't get out of. Oh, I'm sorry.

I really am. What do you got to do now?

Well, like I said, I'll go alone. I'll
take the ticket with me.

What'll you do? Turn it in to the box
office?

No, maybe I'll find a girl on the way.

Find a girl? Yes.

You mean pick up a girl?

What's the matter with you? Didn't you
ever pick up a girl before?

Yes, of course.

In occupied France.

So? So?

I don't want you hanging out of the
window of the cab, banging on the door

saying, hey, good looking, what's
cooking?

Was that your line?

Yeah. All the other guys said hubba
hubba, so I... Don't worry, I won't do

front of you and Miriam. You go to the
theater and I'll meet you there.

What's the matter?

You think I can't take a little
humiliation for a friend?

No matter how you plan to make a fool of
yourself, your friend will go with you.

So get dressed and let's go.

Okay, I'm better.

We'll meet you at the theater.

Oh, the overture's about to start.
Wouldn't you know it? He'd keep us

The only man... Oh, isn't that him
across the street? Where? Where? Over

The one talking to the meter maid.

Finally. Thank you for the ticket.
That's my pleasure. Let's go in. Well,

You're alone. No, I'm alone. Leave it
alone.

What's the matter? Didn't the meter maid
like musicals?

Trying to pick up a meter maid. I didn't
try to pick her up. She nailed me by

Jay Walker.

What are you going to do with the
ecstasy? Keep it between us.

Give it to me. What for?

Give it to me. I'll distribute it to
some needy theater goer. You two go in.

down. I'll be right with you. Come on.
To the left.

Excuse me.

Yes? Are you alone?

Yes. Good, so is... Do you want to see
the show?

That's what I'm standing in line for. I
have an extra ticket. Oh, how much is

it? Well, it's $9 .90, but... I'll pay
you $15 for it.

You don't understand. Okay, $20, but
that's as high as I go. Let me explain.

right, $25.

$25?

Put your money away, miss. Now, miss,
would you mind waiting over there? I'll

with you in a minute.

Okay, buddy, you're coming with me.

I'm going inside to see the show.

Oh, no, no, no. You're going to see the
police station. Now, you have a right to

remain silent unless you give up the
right. Why? Why? You think I was trying

pick? No, no. I'm not a masher. Yeah, I
know.

Now, you have the right to remain
silent. What is this?

Ticket scalping is against the law.
Ticket scalping?

I'm not a ticket scalper. I was trying
to get a date for my friend Oscar

Madison. Who?

Oscar Madison.

Is he there? Here he is. The curtain's
going up. Did you get rid of the ticket

yet? Mm -hmm. Are you Oscar Madison?

Yeah. Is this your ticket?

Yeah. Okay.

Then the two of you, let's go.

What is it? Don't say anything. You have
the right to remain silent.

this entire fiasco.

Come on.

Get it off your chest. You'll feel
better.

Nothing to get off. It was an accident.
You couldn't help it. I don't blame you.

Wasn't that big of you considering that
it was your fault?

If you'd been able to get a date, this
would never have happened.

All right, Felix. That's it. Put him up.

Go ahead.

Hit me. I'm numb. I stopped feeling pain
two hours ago.

The whole evening in the police station.
Look at these hands.

I know I was there.

my whole life.

Riding in a paddy wagon.

And I had to stand all the way downtown.

Nobody told you to offer your seat to
that lady.

She'd been on her feet all evening.

You embarrassed me at the police
station. How?

By putting a handkerchief over your face
like you were Al Capone. I was ashamed.

In front of who? The lady with the tired
feet?

Fingerprint. Common criminals.

Didn't even give me a towel.

I had to wash my hands in the water
cooler.

How'd you get your hands clean?

I didn't.

A little baby I have to take care of.

Look at that.

Look at that.

He doesn't care. He doesn't care.

Come over here, too.

It's a waste of time trying to keep this
house clean.

No, don't answer it. It might be the
police.

Is it the police?

It's Miriam.

It's not the police.

Miriam? Why didn't you tell me to call
Miriam? Well, she's your date.

That's right. I forgot. You didn't have
a date.

Miriam. Hi. Remember me? I'm so sorry.
Please forgive me. You'll never guess

what happened. No, I heard about it.
What? How? Well, I got worried. I went

to the lobby at intermission and
everybody was talking about it. What

Oscar? The region.

Somebody tell me something.

It all started when Oscar couldn't get a
date.

She knows that part.

Tell her what happened when they tried
to take our picture. We spent a half

rearranging the lights for the balloon.

You'd have looked ten years older if I
hadn't.

I'm sorry if you missed any of the show.

Oh, I didn't. It was just fabulous.

And at the end, the entire cast came out
on the stage and they sang Kiss My

Nose.

Kiss my toe.

Kiss my... You went back in to see the
rest of the show?

Well, there wasn't anything I could do,
so after I'd heard you'd been arrested,

I saw the rest of the show.

I'd have been too upset to go back in
and enjoy a show.

Well, I was too upset to enjoy it.

You just said it was fabulous.

Well, I knew it was good because
everyone else was applauding.

Good, man. She's too fast for you.

Would you please tell me what happened
at the police station?

Nothing happened.

How come?

Felix refused to go to night court. He
made them set a trial date. They have to

go back in two weeks.

We need time to prepare our defense.

I'm not taking this lying down.

Felix, if we go to court, we have to get
a lawyer. That costs money. You don't

have to stay charged for a day in court.
We don't need a lawyer.

I'm handling this case.

And we'll plead not guilty.

Oh, boy.

Where are you going? Get some butter.

What for?

To go with the bread and water.

What are you worried about? I've got it
here.

Mr. Price.

Mr. Price.

He's a reporter on the journal. What's
he doing here? I called him in. I called

in all the press. I want complete
coverage. Hello, Madison.

Hi, Harry. You getting all this? You
bet.

It's going to be a good story. Oh,
listen. Isn't this terrific?

Let the whole world see our fight
against injustice.

I welcome publicity.

Well, you're going to get a lot of it.
It has a large circulation, Felix. This

is bad. What are you worried about? I've
got key witnesses lined up. We're going

to blast this case wide open. You'll
see. You'll see.

All rise.

Mr.

Unger. Here, sir.

Will you call your first witness,
please?

Thank you, Your Honor.

Please, the court.

I'd like to call the stand.

Officer Murray Gritchler.

That's your key witness?

Character witness.

Why are you carrying your briefcase?
Why? Oh, no, no. Oh, give it to me,

Clarence Darrow.

Hi, Your Honor. How are you, Murray?

Nice to see you. Nice to see you.

How was the vacation?

Oh, beautiful, beautiful.

Where'd you go?

Detroit. Why Detroit?

Well, we're sick of Cleveland.

Your Honor, may I proceed?

Oh, yes, sure, go ahead.

Officer Gressler, how long have you
known the co -defendant?

Oh, let me see. I met him in 1964.

You've known them a long time. Sure,
sure.

And how would you describe Oscar
Madison?

Male Caucasian, 125 pounds, 5 foot and a
half, blue eyes. I want your opinion of

Mr. Madison.

A great guy.

Quite a character.

What do you mean?

You mean he has a great character.

Jack, you ought to see his room.

Mr. Greshler, would you say that Mr.
Madison is the kind of man who would

ticket for $25?

Heck no.

He needs a lot more than that.

What a character.

You may step down. He never has to die
for this pocket. You may step down. Step

down. Step down. Don't you want me to
tell him about you? You may step down,

officer. Step down.

Your Honor, I move that officer to
complete testimony if he's picking from

record.

I call your next witness. Thank you,
Your Honor.

If it please the court, I shall call to
the stand Miss Beth Olam.

Don't be nervous, my dear.

Is this another beautiful key witness?

Miss Olam, do you remember me?

Oh, yes. You're the ticket scalper.

I object.

Sustained. Alleged ticket scalper. Thank
you, Your Honor. Your Honor.

It is the contention of the defendant
that in their trafficking with the

witness, the co -defendant had not one
iota of avarice, not one

thin pillar of cupidity for fiscal
increment.

Mr. Unger, could you talk faster or
smaller?

Objection, Mr. Staley.

We didn't want to make any money.

Thank you.

Now, Miss Oland, stop me. If anything I
say is different from what occurred that

night at the theater. All right.

I said, hi there.

Would you like to see the show?

That's what he said.

I have an extra ticket.

He said that too.

And what did you say?

I said, how much is it?

That's what she said. I believe it. Get
on with it. You're hearing this. Can I

help it?

And when I told you how much it was,
what did you do?

I offered you $15 for it. And did I take
it? No, you held out for more.

Did I ask you for more money?

Well... Ah, now think hard. Your answer
is very important.

Well, not exactly.

You hear? You hear? Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, I mean I just assumed that this
may... Did you say you assumed?

Yes. Your Honor, may defense counsel use
that blackboard.

Yes. Thank you, Your Honor. Miss O
'Leary, you should never assume, because

when you assume, you make an act.

No further questions.

You were great.

You want to handle my jaywalking ticket?

Well, that puts things in a new light.

If you'll excuse me, I'll retire and
render a verdict.

Just one moment. I didn't say defense
arrest. I'm not through. Oh, yes, you

No, I'm not. I'm rolling, boy.

Your Honor, I intend to prove beyond a
shadow... Sit down, Your Honor.

Beyond a shadow of a doubt that there
was never any intention to sell this

ticket. And to that end... I should like
to call to the witness stand my key

witness and co -defendant, and
incidentally, a heck of a guy.

Ask your medicine.

What are you doing? Take the stand.

This man is a co -defendant. Anything he
says will be judged in that light.

Why don't you allow Miss Olam's
testimony to speak for itself?

It's the same cognizance of the import
of its remarks.

Do you think Mr. Oscar Madison would
lie? He's a reputable man.

Proceed. Thank you.

Now, Mr. Madison, state your name,
please.

Oscar Madison.

Famous sports writer.

Now, Mr. Madison, would you tell the
court, in your own words, of course,

exactly what transpired on the
aforementioned evening in connection

alleged scalping of the alleged ticket?

I had the selection of the ticket. My
roommate, Felix Young, said, why don't

return it to the box office, which he
did.

Now, he didn't come back to the seat. I
went out to the lobby to see what was

happening. He was being arrested.

Next thing I knew, I was being arrested,
too.

And?

And what?

You're leaving out the most important
part.

What's the most important part?

Mr. Unger, we'd all like to hear.

Tell them how you couldn't get a date.

Yeah.

Mr.

Madison, will you tell the court?

I refuse to answer the question on the
grounds that I don't want to answer the

question. You're ruining my defense.

Answer,

Mr. Madison. I have killers patiently
waiting their turn.

I had an extra ticket because I couldn't
get a date.

I didn't get the answer. I couldn't get
a date. And how hard did you

try?

girls did you call i

want

to take a minute to decide

this case and then i want to take
another minute to see if i still want to

judge

Hey, Oscar, it looks really good. I'm
sure glad I was able to help you.

Look at that face.

What are you worried about?

This is in the bag, baby.

I walk out of here a free man.

the defendant not guilty.

How about that?

Satisfied? No, I'm humiliated. Do you
realize what happened to me in this

courtroom today? Do you?

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

Your Honor, not guilty is all well and
good, but it hardly makes up to Mr.

Madison for the humiliation he suffered.
I, uh, I wish to... I suggest that an

apology is in order.

So, go ahead, apologize.

I'm not the one who accused him of being
a liar.

I think a big man would apologize.

Peter, let's go home, please.

Mr. Unger, we have two choices, guilty
or not guilty.

Justice has a short menu.

I'm waiting for an apology.

I'm sorry you're not guilty.

Mr. Unger, you're getting on my nerves.

Let's leave personalities out of this,
shall we?

Mr. Unger, my mother didn't scrub floors
to send me to law school to listen to

this. I'm fining you and your client
$100 for contempt of court.

You think that scares us?

Us! Again, us!

Your Honor, may I speak for myself,
please?

Any other voice would be refreshing.

May I put this man on the stand? I'd
love it.

Take the stand.

Take the stand.

I want to prove to the witness that
he... You mean to the court?

No,

I mean to the witness. How messy it is
back there. Forget it.

I want to prove to the witness that he's
responsible for what... And he owes us

all an apology. If you could do that,
I'll cancel the fine. You gotta bet.

When you went to grammar school, what
was your nickname?

I don't... Answer the question, please.

Felix... I didn't hear you. Louder.

Felix the Pet.

And what did your high school yearbook
say about you?

I was voted the boy most likely to
interrupt.

And when you went to a marriage
counselor, what happened?

He kicked me out of his office.

And? He wrote on my chart, lunatic.

And what was the specific ground for
your divorce that set a legal precedent

the state of New York?

Petsiness.

My wife swore under oath I was a pet.

That's right.

And she was right. She's a wonderful
woman, Your Honor.

I don't know why I do these things. I
drive everybody crazy. He's right.

I know I bothered the court. I bothered
the bailiff.

I kept killers waiting.

I always think I'm helping. I never seem
to do the right thing. I never learned

my... I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'll suspend the fine if you'll get out
of here.

Your Honor, you're a very understanding
man. I just want you to know I

appreciate it. You're very long
-suffering and very forbearing.

That's all right.

There's one thing.

You have a tendency to mumble when you
talk.

You're the judge. Exert your authority.
Speak up.

Get him out of here!