All language subtitles for The Odd Couple s03e11

Locker. Come on, Miriam. Let's go to the
sandbox.

Excuse us.

Sure.

More coffee? No, no more coffee. I want
to get out of here. You know, I don't

want more coffee. You notice how I
overlooked the sandbox?

Tell me the truth, Felix. What do you
think of Mitzi?

She didn't say anything all evening. Can
she talk?

Who cares? She listens sexy.

It's the second date with her, and I
want to be alone, okay?

What do you want Miriam and me to do,
move to another table? No, I just don't

want to hang around here. I'll take care
of the check. We'll leave. You go your

way, I'll go mine. I get the deal.
Right, when they come back, you say you

to leave.

Leave it to me? All right, I will get
you.

So when I said I was Trishanian Afghan,
she said, why don't you do something

big, knit a St. Bernard?

You bring us our regular as usual, okay?

I couldn't believe that out of her,
because she always looks so stern.

Uncle!

Shit! It's them. I recognize them from
TV.

It's them. Isn't it Oscar? Yeah, it's
them. Right over there. Betty White and

Alan Ludden from Password. Where? Where?
Where? Don't look. You'll embarrass

them. I can't see if I don't look on the
way out.

Not particularly.

I'm not speaking to Alan Ludden.

On November 13th, Felix Unger was asked
to remove himself from his place of

residence.

That request came from his wife.

Deep down, he knew she was right. But he
also knew that someday he would return

to her.

With nowhere else to go, he appeared at
the home of his friend, Oscar Madison.

Several years earlier Madison's wife had
thrown him out requesting that he never

returned Can two divorced men share an
apartment without driving each other

crazy?

The Odd Couple was filmed in front of a
live audience.

You're not speaking to Alan Ludden? Do
you know him? Hey, lads, I know Ludden.

Six months ago.

Six months ago. I auditioned to be a
contestant on Password. They never

me. Don't call us, we'll call you.

I don't get it.

He doesn't pick the contestants. They
got guys who do all that backstage

I gave a powerful audition.

Maybe that's why you didn't get it.

What do you mean by that?

Felix, they want average Joes. People
who look like they may not necessarily

win, like cab drivers, housewives. See,
they don't want sophisticated

photographers, portraits especially.

And look how I got involved in the
conversation when I want to get out of

Average. Of course I'm not average.
That's why I didn't get on.

It's lonely having a high IQ.

Sure. You ever see Einstein on Beat the
Clock? Oh, can I get his autograph for

my little sister?

Does she live with you? No, I live
alone. Sure you can get it.

Don't stare, darling.

That's Oscar Madison, my favorite sports
writer. He's used to being stared at. I

know, but he doesn't know you're a
sports freak.

I'm going over and talk to him.

Have a little white bread, Alan.

I can't believe I'm not on the show
because I'm above average.

Oh, he's coming over here.

Act average.

Do you suffer much from acid stomach?

Alan Ludden, what a coincidence.

My basic girl and I were just talking
about you.

I'll be a son of a gun if I don't enjoy
Password. You know, one thing I like, I

like to sit around the Formica table.

I like to drink beer out of the can.
Just sit there in my undershirt.

Watch the boob tube.

That's very interesting.

Say, are you Oscar Madison?

Yes, I am. You know you're my favorite
sports writer. I read you every day.

Thank you. I appreciate that. Look,
Miriam Welby, Lindsay Ferguson, and this

Felix Unger. Now, he really loves
Password.

How do? Nice to know you. Likewise, I'm
sure.

Listen, Oscar.

Listen,

Oscar, if you'd be interested in being a
celebrity guest on Password, why don't

you give our office a call? We're
looking for celebrities for a special

series we're doing. Oh, I'm not good at
games. I appreciate the thought of it,

but no, I can't. Okay, but it sure was
nice meeting you anyway. Thank you.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Bye -bye.

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Never even noticed me.

Riding so hard to be an average Joe. You
were so good, like Ozzie Nelson.

And you, Al Lovin, asked you to be a
contestant on Password, and you turned

down. Felix, I don't know how to play
the game. I am not going on the show,

we're getting out of here. Let's go. You
can pay the check. Here, sort it out.

Oh, but I didn't get his autograph.

I got one in the car.

Left me a button.

I'm just... Dying to talk to Alan
Ludden. Well, why don't you go over

no, no, no. Oh, go on. No, no, I
shouldn't. Please, go on. You'll never

happy. It would be pushy, wouldn't it?
No, please, come on. I insist.

Excuse me, Alan Ludden.

Yes, oh, oh, your Oscar's friend, Mr.
Engle.

Unger, Felix Unger. Oh, yes, Unger. This
is my wife, Betty, Mr. Unger. Felix.

I know you, Mrs. White. Miss, Miss, Miss
White.

Miss, Miss Ludden. Betty.

Ah. You know, I watch you all the time,
Betty.

You're my biggest fan.

Thank you, that's very nice.

I remember when you had your own show.

Years and years and years ago.

That many.

It's amazing how youthful you look.

Thank you. I'm even younger on the
reruns.

Say, if Oscar Madison went on this...
Special password show you were talking

about. Could he choose his partner?

Well, probably, but I'm not in charge of
that department, Felix. Uh -huh.

Well, if he chose his own partner, could
he choose me? I'm just an average guy.

I worked my way through college selling
spot remover. Well, actually, that would

be up to Oscar.

Uh -huh.

I see.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. I
guess I better be shoving off.

As Reader's Digest says, never overstay
your welcome, or you'll never be

welcomed. Stay over.

It's a long boat.

I love pets.

It worked.

It worked.

Oh, Oscar's going to be so happy. He's
dying to go on past work. He probably

didn't want to be on it. That's before
he knew that I was going to be his

partner. Let's go tell him. Do you know
where Mitzi lives?

I wait till morning.

Right. You'll get your answer in the
morning, Al.

I just get up.

Smoked.

Pig smoked.

Crisp. Pig smoked. Crisp.

Bacon and scrambled eggs. Rice! Rice!

And you said you can't play Password.

You see?

Why don't you call Al and go ahead. Tell
him you'll be on. He said I could be

your partner, so how could you lose?
See, he's just served the food. Forget

about last night. How can I forget about
last night? It was your big chance, and

you turned it down.

I thought I had a big chance last night,
and Missy turned me down.

You have any fun with Maria?

vitamin C.

I'm making your favorite breakfast.

I know, jumbled cluck.

And I know why you're making it. I'm not
going to go on passwords.

Coffee.

Cup. Empty.

Full. Hot.

I don't get it. I want a hot cup of
coffee. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were playing a game. I
know what you're doing.

I know, I know. Why won't you go on
password? It's such a simple game and

already understand the basics and I can
teach you the subtleties and nothing

flat. What subtleties? Well, The
inflections. Like, if you go up, that

give the opposite.

Hot.

Come on. It's so simple.

Hot.

Cold. Yes.

Nothing to it.

Give me another one.

North.

South. Right.

Isn't that simple?

Then if you go steady in the inflection,
then you just, like, candle, and you

just give the next thing that comes
normally. Give me that again. I don't

understand.

Candle. Stick.

Of course.

Let me try one. I want to try one of
those zingers.

Book. Kate.

Good. I was thinking a maker, but Kate
is good.

I told you it's a lot of fun. Well, what
are you going to do? Forget about it.

Forget about the game. Forget about past
weather. Forget about books. Oh, come

on, Oscar. Alan Ludden said that if you
play, I could be your partner. It's my

life's dream.

No. They give you $750.

I'll lose.

Who wants a spoiler friend's dream?

That's great. And I can be your partner?
Sure.

Good. Bye.

I didn't know that. Just perfect. Just
perfect. All right, Murray, you sit

there. Now, Myrna, you're going to be a
celebrity.

Can I be Peggy Cass?

Whatever you want. You just sit right
there.

Murray, you'll be an ordinary person.

Don't rub it in.

Who do you want me to be? Now, you're
going to be Alan Ludden. Oh, what fun.

Would you be Monty Hall instead? I
always wanted to dress like a chicken.

Hey, what's going on? We're all going to
practice password.

Well, can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, partner.

What's on that razor -sharp mind of
yours? Well, I'm not here in the

It's kind of private. Yeah, sure.

Everybody, just pass some words among
each other.

You're not getting butterflies in the
tum -tum, are you? No, no, no.

Well,

it's about our partnership.

What about it?

It's off.

Oh, you're not going to be on password?
Oh, yeah, I'm going to be on password,

but Mitzi's going to be my partner.

So Mitzi's going to be your partner.

How about them apples?

Well, she loves game shows. She's very
bright. She graduated charm school.

No kidding.

So Mitzi's in and little Felix is out.

That's show business.

Guess I better tell everybody to go
home. No, no, no, no. I promised I'd

you for the game.

I keep my promises.

The show must go on, fella.

No matter how boring it's going to be.

Boy, you're taking a great... I thought
you'd be angry.

I'm a big boy now.

I didn't cry at Anzio.

I want to say, I've always
underestimated your class.

All right, everybody, we're going to

play Password.

Yay! There'll be a slight change in the
lineup, Miriam. I'm going to be Ellen

Lovenhaus.

Mr. Celebrity, you'll sit here.

Miss Charm School, you'll sit there.

Can we get on with the game? Yes. Now,
the game is worth 25 points.

The first clue is worth 10 points, and
you'll have 10 seconds in which to

respond. The first player has the option
to pass or play.

Those are the rules. I didn't understand
the rules. Don't worry.

I'll carry you. Here is the first
password.

The word is aquarium.

All right, Murray, you have the option
to pass or play.

Pythology Pisces very wrong

How is Miss Magna compute from charm
school?

All right, so she's not a genius. Who
wants to date an encyclopedia anyway?

Oscar, if her IQ were one point higher,
she'd have the mentality of a handball.

But forgive me, she's your choice.

No, she's not my choice anymore.

What do you mean?

Oh, you didn't insult that poor child.

No, she insulted me. She said she didn't
want to appear on the show with me. She

said I gave bad clues.

So I guess you'll need another partner
then, won't you?

Yeah. I guess I'll need another partner.

I guess everybody needs a partner like
Rogers and Hammerstein and Lewis and

Clark and Tom and Jerry and Frick and
Frack.

Here, let me help you.

Oh, I had a great partner. Did I have a
great partner? Boy, he could play those

inflections, you know, when he's that
hot man I knew. Cold, cold, cold. Oh,

And then when he gave me the...

candlestick. Oh, we'd have creamed
anybody. I'm telling you, we would have

the greatest team. I'd better call out
and tell them I don't have a partner.

I'll do it. You will?

What are you doing?

Swallowing my pride.

Hey.

Look at that.

Are you sure it's okay to be here?

Why, of course. We're part of the show,
buddy. We belong here.

Doesn't that look bigger on TV?

That's often the case.

Fix your tie.

Leave it alone.

Isn't that Betty White?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, she's an absolutely unbeatable
player.

Did you know that she and Alan Lutton
met on this show? They met on Password,

yeah. Really? She said I, he said do?

It's very rare.

Words brought them together. Their
password was love.

It is nice.

Don't you be nervous, Millicent. That's
silly. Honey, I've got some old

lightning round words we can... Practice
with him. You can get kind of the

feeling of the show. You want to do
that?

Okay.

Shoot. All right.

Now.

Photograph.

Picture. Right.

Sit. Down.

Furniture. Chair. Got it.

Animal.

Bear.

Neck.

Oh, don't be. It's going to be fun.

Do you know who we're playing against?

Me. You.

Yes, and I take my password very
seriously. I play to win.

Good luck.

Nice seeing you, Mr. Engel. Unger.
Unger. Felix Unger. Good luck, Betty.

Betty White? I'm playing against Betty
White? But with Felix Unger. Fix your

tongue. Stop. You saw her play.

That's why I'm scared.

Oh, nothing to be scared of. Didn't you
get the message the way she plays?

Simple and follow through, like Babe
Ruth's swing.

Simple, follow through. That's the key
to champions.

Simple, follow... Angelo Puritra.

Angelo... What's he?

Champion bocce player.

Simple, follow through.

That's the key. Just keep your words
simple and direct. Now, you ready to

the game?

Yeah, baseball and bocce I'm ready to
play. Fix your tie. Oh, you fix it

yourself. You're wearing a clip -on tie
to a show here. Put it back and fix

your... You're wearing a cardboard
handkerchief.

That's just for show. This is my real
handkerchief.

Good. After the show, we'll rob a train.

Ready, Alan?

All set. Okay, everybody, relax.

Tape is rolling.

And now, here once again is the host of
Password, Alan Ludden.

We're going to meet the contestants who
are going to challenge our winning team

here of Millicent Thomas and Betty
White. First, let's meet that fine

writer from the New York Herald, Oscar
Madden.

Welcome to Padmore, Oscar.

Nice to be here, I think.

Now, as you know, for this special
series, we allow our celebrity

pick their own teammates.

Now, who have you picked for your
partner, Oscar?

Oh, I chose for my partner, Felix Unger.

Yes, Felix.

Welcome to Password, Felix. Now, tell us
a little bit about yourself.

Well, I'm a commercial photographer,
portrait specialty.

I was married, but I'm not now,
unfortunately, although I wish I were.

I have two extremely beautiful children,
Leonard and Edna, whom I don't see as

much as I'd like to. I only get them on
weekends.

On the other hand...

I'm a very good cook, and I'm a lot of
fun at parties, people tell me. Yeah, it

sounds like you need a rich, full life,
Mr. Unger. Now, let's play play. Thank

you, Alan. I'll give the password first
to Oscar, Madison, and Betty White. And

as they look at it, we want you to see
it at home. The password is gravy.

Okay, Betty, the first option is yours
for ten points.

Pass or play?

I'll play. Ten points.

Sauce.

Mayonnaise.

Nine points, Oscar.

Meat.

Meat. Lincoln.

Lincoln.

Eight points, Betty.

Covering.

Graving. You got it. Eight points for
the lady.

Lincoln.

It's a known fact that Lincoln loved
mayonnaise.

Okay, let's move right along. Felix.
Thank you, Oscar. You have the word,

Millicent. You have the word, and if
they look at it, we'd like you to see

The password is bird.

All right, Felix. You have the option
this time. Pass or play?

I'll play, Ellen.

Ten points.

Aristophanes.

Aristophanes wrote a play called The
Bird.

Everybody but me. Will you stop being so
perfect, Felix? Will you stop it? Now,

we're losing here. Now, come on. Let's
go to get together. Why do you think I'm

giving you these great clues?

Great clues?

If Charlie Chan had these clues, he'd be
running a laundry.

Now, we're losing 17 to nothing.

I always win at home, don't I? All
right, leave it alone.

Put it back. Never mind at home. This is
the big time. Oh, the heck with him.

This is big time now.

Felix,

wait a minute.

We're going to lose this entire game.
Now, we're being queen. Now, this is

important. I want you to give me good
clues, something to work with, okay? I'm

glad you got the spirit, because we're
going to win, win, win. Yes, now listen.

No more Greek clues.

Aristophanes is ridiculous.

Stand by.

Okay, back to the game. And the word
goes to Oscar Madison, Betty White with

score of 17 to nothing. This is the
word.

The password is ridiculous.

All right.

Oscar, you have the option. Pass or
play? I'm going to play, Alan.

Aristophanes. Ridiculous.

The

men

are on the march.

Okay, 10 to 17.

Millicent, there you go. As they look at
it, we'd like you to see it. The

password is servant.

Okay, Felix, the option is yours. Pass
or play.

Thank you, Ellen.

I think I'll pass.

Waiter.

Restaurant.

Nine points.

Felix.

Thank you.

Household.

Wait, servant?

You got it!

17. Either team can win on this word.
And as they look at it, the password is

pencil. All right, Betty, your team is
behind now. You have the option, pass or

play.

I think I'm going to let Oscar have it.

Ten points, Oscar.

Give you the game.

Lead.

Rapite.

Pencil! Thank you very much for coming
to play our game. Why?

Because you lost.

No, sirree. My clue is good. I can prove
it. Sorry, we've got to move along for

a new player. Would you have a copy of
our home game? I've got two copies of

your home game. I've got one in my car.
No, I don't understand this. Thank you

very much, Felix Ungerdau, if you would
just relinquish your chair.

Chair? We're not playing. Oh, please
give me one more chance. Please. Oh,

zip.

of you playing with us at home.

I'm terribly sorry.

That's it.

You're making cocoa.

Did you win after I was ejected? A
couple of games, but that Betty White is

terrific. They paid me anyway. Oh, and
here's your check.

$25.

Felix Ungle.

I just don't understand myself. I play
so well. You play weird.

You wonder why I didn't get Bird from
Aristophanes' feelings. It's because

logic is not my logic. We're rotten
partners. But when you said lead, I

immediately thought of graphite. Don't
remind me. Pencil lead is made not of

lead, but of graphite and clay.
Everybody knows that. Well, I knew the

couldn't be two words, so I chose one.

Graphite. It was a very good answer. All
right, if I say it was a very good

answer, will we drop the subject?

Yeah. It was a rotten... I'm telling
you, it was just a rotten answer,

Nobody I know thinks the way you do.

Well, I'm unique.

Unusual.

Strange.

Peculiar. That's the word. That's the
word I was thinking about. You see, we

can't like... Do me a favor. Call Alan
Ludden. He'll have us on again. Oh, what

a...