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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,569 --> 00:00:07,590 I've come to sell my wares and it's guaranteed to cure hardcore softcore and 2 00:00:07,590 --> 00:00:11,170 pimples on the tongue. Now look here, look at it. That's beautiful, isn't it, 3 00:00:11,170 --> 00:00:14,970 eh? Isn't that beautiful? That is raise the chassé, as they say in theatre. 4 00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:18,150 Now be honest, have you ever seen a Christmas tree like that before? No, of 5 00:00:18,150 --> 00:00:21,250 course you haven't, and I'll tell you the reason why. Because this is no 6 00:00:21,250 --> 00:00:26,110 ordinary Christmas tree. This is the new advanced microchip Christmas tree as 7 00:00:26,110 --> 00:00:28,210 advertised on Tomorrow's World. 8 00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:29,750 Now, I would just... 9 00:00:30,370 --> 00:00:31,890 Excuse me, madam. Excuse me. 10 00:00:32,170 --> 00:00:34,370 Don't you know it's rude to walk away when someone's talking to you? 11 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,300 Well, go on then, if you must, but hurry back. 12 00:00:38,480 --> 00:00:42,640 Now listen, this Christmas tree contains all the traditional Yuletide values 13 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,780 plus 21st century technology. 14 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,980 Let me give you just two of its manifold advantages. 15 00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:51,360 One, you do not have to buy electric lights, porpoise, bangles and beads 16 00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:55,400 this tree comes complete. Two, you do not have to struggle with it like you do 17 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:59,680 the old forest -type Christmas tree because this tree folds down. 18 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,199 Fits neatly. 19 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:09,580 Well, it fits neatly. 20 00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:12,020 Very, very neatly. 21 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:14,100 Neatly. 22 00:01:15,220 --> 00:01:18,720 Into the suitcase. 23 00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:24,040 Now, if you went up there and you paid 27 quid for one of these, you'd think 24 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:25,080 that you were getting a right result. 25 00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:29,320 Well, I'm not going to ask you for 27 quid. I'm not even going to ask you for 26 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:30,980 score. Now, who said 15? 27 00:01:31,260 --> 00:01:34,080 Who said... Put your money away, love. Put your money... I don't want 15. 28 00:01:34,340 --> 00:01:36,980 I don't want 12. I'm not even asking for 10. 29 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,220 Right, come on, girls. 30 00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:41,720 Fastest first wins. It's six quid, and I'm having bread and cheese for my 31 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:43,840 Christmas dinner. Right, six quid. Come on, anybody. 32 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:45,140 The lot's got to go. 33 00:01:45,420 --> 00:01:46,740 Six. Six. 34 00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:51,120 All right, as you're the first, you can have it for a fiver, darling. 35 00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:52,719 All right. 36 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:53,720 Cheers. 37 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:55,800 There you go. 38 00:01:56,460 --> 00:01:57,219 That's it. 39 00:01:57,220 --> 00:01:58,380 Mind you, don't fall off your bike. 40 00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,060 Just got those out of the back of the van. Well, you can just take them back 41 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:07,500 again, can't you? These are going down about as well as Union Jacks do in 42 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,560 Aires. How many we sold? 43 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:14,120 Well, including us, um, one. 44 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,660 One down, 149 it goes. 45 00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:21,020 Here you are, dear boy. 46 00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:24,180 You left your flask of coffee on the sideboard this morning. 47 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:27,720 Thanks very much, Grandad. Could just go a nice hot cup of coffee. 48 00:02:28,609 --> 00:02:32,150 Here, you didn't forget more suckerings, did you? I got them this morning. Oh, 49 00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:33,190 good man. 50 00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,030 This is stone cold. 51 00:02:37,470 --> 00:02:40,690 Well, it would be, wouldn't it? It's been standing on the sidewalk for hours. 52 00:02:41,390 --> 00:02:42,750 Couldn't you have made some fresh? 53 00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:46,590 I didn't have time to make coffee. I had to get your flask down, too. 54 00:02:49,630 --> 00:02:53,010 Silly old... Here, Rodney, chuck that away, will you? 55 00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:56,770 Look, you could have quite easily have made some fresh, couldn't you? 56 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,480 I meant to copy you, clonker. 57 00:03:03,740 --> 00:03:06,240 Spoon me only, Nick. That's last last week. 58 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:10,680 Get in there and fish it out. I'm not getting in there with all that rubbish. 59 00:03:11,060 --> 00:03:12,880 What are you talking about? It's tidier than your bedroom. 60 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:14,880 I'm not getting in there. That's final. 61 00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:22,060 How am I ever going to become a millionaire when I am surrounded by 62 00:03:23,230 --> 00:03:26,370 Go on, pick up that stuff and we're going to get a cup of tea at six. 63 00:03:28,690 --> 00:03:30,910 Give us three teas, will you, Sid? How's your luck? 64 00:03:31,130 --> 00:03:33,230 Oh, don't ask. Just don't ask. 65 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,570 I'll have three amrolls and all. 66 00:03:36,730 --> 00:03:38,150 Do you two want anything to eat? 67 00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:40,270 I have a wagon wheel, dear old boy. 68 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:44,470 Wagon wheel? Yeah, I'd have one of them non -sodium glutamate pies of yours, 69 00:03:44,550 --> 00:03:45,970 please. State pie. 70 00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:51,170 So what happens if we don't get rid of them trees, eh? 71 00:03:51,370 --> 00:03:52,590 We've done our money, I suppose. 72 00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:00,690 It's the world recession, isn't it? 73 00:04:01,070 --> 00:04:02,070 It's affecting everyone. 74 00:04:03,770 --> 00:04:05,230 Here, Rodney, come here a minute. 75 00:04:05,790 --> 00:04:06,790 Come here, I want to show you something. 76 00:04:09,030 --> 00:04:12,150 Every year, for as long as I can remember, the market traders have always 77 00:04:12,150 --> 00:04:14,690 a Christmas tree to that church over there. 78 00:04:15,510 --> 00:04:17,170 But this year, they just can't afford it. 79 00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:21,519 It's the little orphans that I feel sorry for. 80 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,300 I mean, every Christmas Eve, they'd come down from the orphanage. 81 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,340 They'd hold an open -air carol service round the tree. 82 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,000 It looked really lovely, it did. 83 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:33,940 I thought about crying once. 84 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,840 Still, times change, don't they now? 85 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:43,280 It's all Sam Ferry Ann, isn't it? 86 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,240 Oi, Sid. 87 00:04:45,370 --> 00:04:48,130 Put them emeralds in a paper bag for us, will you? Come on, Granny, I'll give 88 00:04:48,130 --> 00:04:49,130 you a little fun. 89 00:04:50,130 --> 00:04:54,350 Oh, Rodney, see if you can do something with them Christmas trees, will you? 90 00:04:55,730 --> 00:04:58,370 Come on, then. 91 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:05,930 Right, 92 00:05:10,350 --> 00:05:11,350 ready when you are ready. 93 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,570 Here goes, then. 94 00:05:15,370 --> 00:05:16,189 They flash? 95 00:05:16,190 --> 00:05:17,190 Yeah. 96 00:05:17,450 --> 00:05:18,490 They're not supposed to. 97 00:05:22,270 --> 00:05:27,930 I mean, well, it's not much of a tree, but it's the only one I could... No, no, 98 00:05:27,930 --> 00:05:28,930 no, no, you're wrong, Rodney. 99 00:05:29,350 --> 00:05:32,590 This is the finest Christmas tree our church has ever had. 100 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:38,330 You see, for a growing number of years, I have become dismayed, even shocked by 101 00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:39,470 the attitude of modern youth. 102 00:05:39,890 --> 00:05:44,290 But today, you walked into this church and offered us this tree. 103 00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,600 Simply because you care. 104 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:50,120 You have rekindled my faith in the human race. 105 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,600 It's not nicked, is it? 106 00:05:54,500 --> 00:05:57,600 No, of course it's not nicked. I mean, who'd nick that? 107 00:05:58,980 --> 00:06:00,340 Well, God bless you, my son. 108 00:06:00,780 --> 00:06:02,820 There will be a place waiting for you in heaven. 109 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:04,240 Oh, good. 110 00:06:04,860 --> 00:06:07,080 Look, tell him I'm in no hurry, won't you? 111 00:06:08,460 --> 00:06:10,840 Merry Christmas to you. 112 00:06:19,099 --> 00:06:23,520 Because this is no ordinary Christmas tree. As I was saying, this is the only 113 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:26,420 Christmas tree as used and recommended by the Church of England itself. 114 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:33,400 If you'd just like to come right over there, you'll see what I mean. 115 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:37,100 Well done, Rodney. I knew you wouldn't let me down. 116 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,580 Now, as I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, the Archbishop of Canterbury 117 00:06:40,580 --> 00:06:44,180 himself... actually has one of these Christmas trees in his front room. Now, 118 00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:47,880 two can have one in your front room for the ridiculously low price of just seven 119 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,980 pounds. That's all I want. Seven pounds. You got seven there, lady. Thanks very 120 00:06:50,980 --> 00:06:54,880 much. That's the right money. Take that one there. You dirty little mercenaries. 121 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:58,020 We needed someone to promote our product. 122 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:02,200 But God... You knew I'd give that treat to the vicar, didn't you? 123 00:07:02,420 --> 00:07:04,480 All that rubbish about them little orphans. 124 00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:06,920 You've got no ethics. 125 00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:10,400 You don't even know what ethics are, do you? 126 00:07:10,860 --> 00:07:11,860 Yeah. Huh? 127 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:14,560 If it's, they can make model aeroplanes, can't they? 128 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:19,300 It's certainly, that's it, just the right money. Thank you very much. You 129 00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:20,440 that one. Very nice. Thanks. 130 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,760 I can't believe you sometimes. 131 00:07:23,980 --> 00:07:25,720 Now, listen. Listen, Rodney. Just a minute. Now, listen. 132 00:07:26,220 --> 00:07:27,280 Listen to me. Look. 133 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:31,100 The vicar's happy because he's got a Christmas tree, right? The punters are 134 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:33,960 happy because they think they're getting something special, right? And we're 135 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,400 happy because we're making £3 .50 on every tree. So everyone's a winner. 136 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:39,180 Now, are you going to sell a tree? 137 00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,880 You can sell two if you like. No way, my son. 138 00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:50,160 I've heard a commercialisation of Christmas, but this is taking a... $3 139 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,880 All in lovely crisp reddies. 140 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,780 All right, girls, have your money ready. Now, don't worry... 11294