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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,703
MALCOLM:
This is the world--
2
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,139
196 million square miles.
3
00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:07,408
If I covered 100 square miles
an hour
4
00:00:07,441 --> 00:00:09,543
every hour
for the rest of my life
5
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,645
I'd still only see half of it.
6
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,980
(squeaking)
7
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,749
This is the left nostril
of my brother Reese.
8
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:19,253
It squeaks all night long.
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,189
These are
the freezing cold feet
10
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,224
of my little brother... Dewey.
11
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,493
This is my oldest brother
Francis.
12
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,261
He's the one I really like
13
00:00:27,295 --> 00:00:30,164
so, of course, he got sent
to military school.
14
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,365
My name is Malcolm.
15
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,501
You want to know
what the best thing
16
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,568
about childhood is?
17
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,937
At some point, it stops.
18
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:40,674
* Yes, no, maybe
19
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,676
* I don't know
20
00:00:42,710 --> 00:00:46,614
* Can you repeat the question?
21
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:51,185
* You're not the boss of me now
and you're not so big *
22
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,121
* You're not
the boss of me now *
23
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:55,623
* You're not the boss
of me now *
24
00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:58,126
* You're not
the boss of me now *
25
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:01,362
* And you're not so big
26
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:06,066
* Life is unfair.
27
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:11,772
WOMAN (singing with radio):
* It's your thing
28
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,207
* Do what you wanna do...
29
00:01:13,241 --> 00:01:15,409
Malcolm, Reese, Dewey,
get in here!
30
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,546
* I can't tell you
who to sock it to *
31
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,881
* Who to sock it to...
32
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,550
No, stop!
I'm not touching...
33
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:23,817
There's only two
toaster waffles.
34
00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:25,419
One of you has
to have cereal.
35
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,588
It's mine!
36
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:28,722
Come on!
37
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,790
Give it!
38
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,091
You cheated!
39
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,293
Give it! Give it!
40
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:35,062
Huh, look at this.
41
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,731
They're sending
an unmanned
probe to Venus
42
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:41,001
and letting a bunch of
schoolchildren name it.
43
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,670
Well, that's going
to end badly.
44
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,904
They do this every month.
45
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:45,139
He has sensitive skin.
46
00:01:45,173 --> 00:01:47,775
The hair gets itchy
under his clothes.
47
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,277
It always seems
like such a shame
48
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,944
to just dump this
in the trash.
49
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,646
Maybe birds would like
to make nests with it
50
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,416
or, I don't know, maybe
you boys could use it
for school projects.
51
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,650
Arms up.
52
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:58,586
Malcolm, come right home
from school.
53
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:00,188
Dude.
54
00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,522
Malcolm, you come right home
from school today.
55
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,123
I made a play date for you
with Stevie Kenarban
56
00:02:03,157 --> 00:02:03,957
and you have
to take a bath.
57
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,826
What? Mom, no!
58
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:07,127
Malcolm
has a play date?!
59
00:02:07,161 --> 00:02:08,162
Shut up, Reese!
60
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,264
With Stevie "The
Wheelie" Kenarban?
61
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,199
Oh, man!
62
00:02:11,232 --> 00:02:13,601
Why is playing
a problem for you?
63
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,303
First off,
64
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:17,137
I don't even know Stevie.
I saw his mother
65
00:02:17,171 --> 00:02:19,440
at the grocery story. She said
you boys ate lunch together.
66
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,308
One time.
67
00:02:20,341 --> 00:02:22,510
He rolled his wheelchair
over next to me.
68
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:25,112
It's not like
I couldn't say, "go away."
69
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,947
He's not even
in my class.
70
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,216
He's in the Krelboyne class
71
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:29,850
in the trailer
next to tetherball.
72
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,452
You listen to me,
young man.
73
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,721
That one lunch obviously
meant a lot to Stevie.
74
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,489
He's a human being
with human feelings.
75
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:38,125
Now, you are going
to be friends with
that crippled boy
76
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,127
and you are going
to like it. Understood?
77
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,862
Yes, ma'am. Understood.
78
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:45,299
If I give up now,
I won't get the lecture.
79
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:46,834
You kids...
Dang.
80
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:48,636
You just take your legs
for granted, you know?
81
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,138
Like nothing could
ever happen to them.
Well, let me tell you something.
82
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,306
That is just
wishful thinking.
83
00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,041
There's meningitis.
There are car accidents.
84
00:02:54,074 --> 00:02:56,244
I could be giving
you a spanking
85
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,845
and accidentally snap
your spinal cord.
86
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,413
Every day is a lottery
87
00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:01,415
and first prize
is that you don't have to scoot
88
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,017
yourself around town on
a skateboard with your hands.
89
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:05,319
You think about that.
90
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,655
I don't take my legs
for granted, Mom.
91
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,990
I know, honey,
you're a good boy.
92
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,426
Stop playing with yourself.
93
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,663
(boys arguing)
94
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,231
Go on, just go.
95
00:03:17,265 --> 00:03:19,066
LOIS:
No, wait, wait, wait.
96
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:20,368
Okay, okay, okay,
I ran out of ham.
97
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,836
One of you has
to have egg salad, okay?
98
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,705
And don't ditch
your little brother.
99
00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,407
I don't want him
getting kidnapped.
100
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,009
Yeah, Mom, that
would be terrible.
101
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,778
It's your turn
to walk with him.
102
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,613
I walked him yesterday
and the day before.
103
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,383
I walked with him
when he wet his pants.
104
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:36,950
Okay.
105
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,023
Mom said to hold hands.
106
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,758
She did not say
to hold hands, Dewey.
107
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,193
I'm not holding hands.
108
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,028
Come on, hold hands. Please?
109
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,197
No! You're in
the first grade.
110
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,266
You're too big for that.
111
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,703
Look, I'm walking
right next to you.
112
00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,571
You'll be fine.
113
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:02,209
Damn it! This is why
everyone teases you.
114
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,711
Hey, Malcolm.
115
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:04,745
Hey, Richard.
116
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,648
So my mom was telling
my dad last night
117
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,882
about your brother.
118
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:10,784
She said he's in jail.
119
00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:12,219
He's not in jail.
120
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:13,721
He's at Marlin Academy.
121
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:17,057
It's, like, one of the
best private schools
in the country
122
00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,726
and it's totally unfair.
123
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:22,095
Everyone acts like Francis
is just this big troublemaker
124
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,431
and he's not.
125
00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,566
Dad, I know
what you're going to say
126
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,068
and believe me,
I totally agree with you.
127
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,903
There is no excuse
for what I did.
128
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,740
It was idiotic, immature,
totally reckless
129
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,342
and I'm really sorry.
130
00:04:34,375 --> 00:04:36,243
I'm just...
I'm hoping against hope
131
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,347
that you will give me
another chance, which, I admit
132
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,681
I don't deserve
133
00:04:40,714 --> 00:04:43,851
but if you could just
find it in your heart
134
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,185
to forgive me
135
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:48,021
I know I could earn
your trust back.
136
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:50,691
It's not like it
was even our car.
137
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,292
Spath, Spath, Spath!
138
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,628
Spath:
All right,
139
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:56,029
Here's how it works.
140
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:58,098
You can beg for mercy
on your belly
141
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,534
lick the bottom
of my shoes
142
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,002
or take a beating.
143
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,271
You must pick at least two
144
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,273
but... but-but,
if you pick three
145
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,609
you get a pass
for the next two weeks.
146
00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:09,977
All right?
147
00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:11,779
Now, that's your best value.
148
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:13,146
MALCOLM:
Dave Spath.
149
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,882
He never gets sent anywhere.
150
00:05:14,915 --> 00:05:17,284
What do you do
if he catches you?
151
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,185
Roll in a ball.
152
00:05:18,218 --> 00:05:20,020
What if he starts
kicking you?
153
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:21,655
Stay in a ball.
154
00:05:21,689 --> 00:05:23,624
Okay. Come on.
155
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:24,958
(kids yelling)
156
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,660
Wait.
157
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,130
Never mind.
158
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:33,401
(kids continue yelling)
159
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:38,138
WOMAN:
Those of you finished
with your tempera paints
160
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,206
may bring your work up here
161
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,541
and start on
your charcoal still lifes.
162
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,910
You may take
two pieces of
fruit only
163
00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:44,812
and please be careful with them.
164
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,180
I bought them with my own money.
165
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:50,050
My own money.
166
00:05:52,052 --> 00:05:54,522
God, Malcolm, that's so good.
167
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,430
Oh, Malcolm,
this is wonderful.
168
00:06:02,463 --> 00:06:04,898
The perspective
is good.
169
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:06,199
The composition is clean
170
00:06:06,233 --> 00:06:08,502
and it even shows signs
of actual technique.
171
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,704
I have to say
this is the high
point of my day.
172
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:12,272
(laughs)
173
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,475
How's that for sad?
174
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,782
(squishing)
175
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:29,923
Are you okay?
176
00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:32,059
Um, yeah, I'm fine.
177
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,694
TEACHER:
Malcolm.
178
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,528
What?
179
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,797
They need to see you
in the office.
180
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:40,033
Okay.
181
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:43,136
I think they mean right now.
182
00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:44,805
Okay.
183
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:50,444
Get up, Malcolm.
184
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,915
(kids' laughter echoing)
185
00:06:58,018 --> 00:06:59,720
Hi. I'm Caroline.
186
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,421
Want to have a seat?
187
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,157
Are you Malcolm?
188
00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:06,994
Yes, and I didn't
do anything.
189
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:08,228
You're not in trouble, Malcolm.
190
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,063
You're here
'cause some of your teachers
191
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,665
think you're, um...
you know what?
192
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,267
I just want to play
some games with you.
193
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,904
Okay? Puzzles,
stuff like that.
Why?
194
00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,639
Boy, oh, boy
195
00:07:18,672 --> 00:07:21,742
you are a suspicious
little dickens, aren't you?
196
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:26,146
Okay. Now, you can look
at this picture for 60 seconds
197
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,314
and I want you to tell me
198
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,249
everything that's wrong
with it, okay?
199
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:31,118
The man only has
four fingers.
200
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,320
Right, but this time
201
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:36,624
I want you to take your time
and really look...
202
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,626
The car shadow's
going the wrong way,
203
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,360
the steering wheel's
on the wrong side,
204
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,762
there's no
brake pedal,
205
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,330
the words in the mirror
should be backwards,
206
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:45,198
the guy's watch
wouldn't say 12:00
207
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:47,100
if he's looking at a sunset
208
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:49,102
and I have red paint on my ass.
209
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,170
That's right.
210
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,173
Red paint all over my ass!
211
00:08:03,316 --> 00:08:06,920
(intro to
"Tie a Yellow Ribbon" playing)
212
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:19,399
* I'm coming home,
I've done my time... *
213
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,368
These are good cookies.
214
00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:25,472
(breathy):
Yeah... they're good.
215
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,375
* If you received my letter
telling you... *
216
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,810
So what can you do?
217
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,145
I mean,
what do you want to do?
218
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:35,883
I know... a joke.
219
00:08:35,916 --> 00:08:37,551
Yeah? Okay.
220
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,320
A guy...
221
00:08:40,352 --> 00:08:42,155
goes into...
222
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,256
a bar...
223
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,994
and he...
224
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:51,431
has a... frog
225
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:52,566
on his...
226
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,101
Frog on his head.
227
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,671
And the... bartender...
228
00:08:57,705 --> 00:09:00,874
Wait, I screwed up.
229
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,677
A frog...
230
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:06,747
goes into... a bar.
231
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:08,415
You want to watch TV?
232
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,351
Can't. Not allowed.
233
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,387
What? You mean, ever?
234
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,889
Mom says...
235
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,357
TV makes you...
236
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:18,558
stupid.
237
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,728
No, TV makes you normal.
238
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,429
How can they do that?
239
00:09:22,462 --> 00:09:23,764
He's in a wheelchair.
240
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,566
So what do you do
all day, homework?
241
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,370
Mostly... read... comics.
242
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,105
You have comic books?
243
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,182
Whoa!
244
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,386
You really have
Youngblood, number one?
245
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,222
Want to... read it?
246
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,959
No way. I'd wreck it.
247
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:55,495
Oh... did you read
the last Savage Dragon
248
00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:57,164
when they split him in two?
249
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,399
Yeah. Brilliant.
250
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,269
I like how he never has
to learn a lesson or anything.
251
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,872
He just gets to
pound on everyone.
252
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,410
ROBOTIC VOICE:
You're under galactic arrest.
253
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,813
MAN:
Think again, space flatfoot.
254
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:14,915
ROBOTIC VOICE:
You cannot escape.
255
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,850
Saturday morning
is the only thing
256
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,787
my family does better
than anyone else.
257
00:10:21,021 --> 00:10:22,790
Damn!
258
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,593
You boys,
you keep this house clean
259
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,028
till your dad comes home.
260
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:30,430
Two of you can have
slices of pizza for lunch.
261
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:31,832
The other one can have...
262
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,466
I don't know.
I think they're peas.
263
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,835
(phone ringing)
264
00:10:34,868 --> 00:10:36,303
Somebody get that.
265
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,971
Not it.
Not it.
266
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:42,609
Hello.
267
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,011
Young master Malcolm.
268
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,312
Francis, hi.
269
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,847
Hey, man,
270
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,648
I wrote you guys
a really long letter yesterday,
271
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,784
but, listen, they only gave me,
like, three minutes,
272
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,953
so would you put
the special prosecutor on?
273
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:55,222
Mom, it's Francis.
274
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,459
Hey, Francis, how's school?
275
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,061
Oh, couldn't be better, Mom.
276
00:11:01,094 --> 00:11:03,196
My new roommate showed me
how to kill mice
277
00:11:03,230 --> 00:11:06,133
with a hammer yesterday,
so, you know, between that
278
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,969
and the general atmosphere
of simmering homoeroticism,
279
00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:11,238
I think I'm really starting
to turn around.
280
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:12,672
Honey, it's only until summer.
281
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,074
Come on, push it!
282
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:15,809
Give it up,
prom date.
283
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:18,245
Yeah, listen, um...
I know I shouldn't ask,
284
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,579
but would you be able
285
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,482
to send me my allowance,
like, a couple weeks early
286
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:23,683
'cause I kind of need some...?
287
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,585
Oh, my God! Are you smoking?
288
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:26,754
What?
I can hear you smoking.
289
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,421
You're smoking, aren't you?
290
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,490
Mom, I'm not smoking. Geez.
291
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,892
After seeing the anguish
292
00:11:31,925 --> 00:11:33,326
your father and I
went through to quit,
293
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,996
didn't any of that
register with you?
294
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:37,230
Okay, listen.
295
00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:38,732
I'll talk to your dad.
296
00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:40,667
Maybe we can send you
part of it.
297
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,235
Honey, I have to go.
298
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,503
I'm late for work.
299
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:44,772
I'll call you later.
300
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,007
Okay, thanks, Mom. I love you.
301
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,275
(dial tone)
302
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:51,078
Oh... I love you.
303
00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,515
(doorbell rings)
304
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:57,717
Somebody get the door!
305
00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,286
I'm not getting it.
You get it, butt-munch.
306
00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,520
Shut up.
You shut up.
307
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,422
No, you shut up!
Make me!
308
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,957
I'll make you right now!
309
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,096
You'd better not be fighting
in there, Reese, Malcolm.
310
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:12,299
Not my face!
311
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:13,934
I said you'd better not
be fighting in...
312
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:14,701
(doorbell rings)
313
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,736
For crying out loud.
314
00:12:16,770 --> 00:12:19,006
Reese! Malcolm!
315
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,210
Yes. Can I help you?
316
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:24,812
Oh. My good... um, hi.
317
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,146
Hel... hello. I'm....
318
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:28,548
Are you...? I'm...
Caroline Miller
319
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,483
from Malcolm's school.
320
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,919
I sent you some letters
321
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:34,888
and left some messages
on your answering machine.
322
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,456
Okay, fine. You caught me.
What do you want?
323
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,725
Um... well, it's
been three weeks
324
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,894
and you haven't responded,
and it's really important,
325
00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,562
I mean, well,
for Malcolm's sake
326
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,931
that the parents be
as involved in...
327
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:46,733
So, what, you're here to insult
my parenting skills?
328
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,069
No. I'm sure you're
a terrific parent.
329
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,770
(boys yelling)
330
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:55,943
I'm here because I think
331
00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,311
that there is a tremendous
opportunity for...
332
00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:00,981
Could you, you know,
maybe put a top on?
333
00:13:01,014 --> 00:13:02,082
They're just boobs, lady.
334
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,650
You see them in a mirror
every morning.
335
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,352
And I'm sure yours
are a lot nicer than mine.
336
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,786
That's actually not...
You know what?
337
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,821
I'm gonna tell you
something else.
338
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,022
The reason I didn't respond
339
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:11,624
is because it is
a load of crap.
What?
340
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,360
You are not going
to stick my Malcolm
341
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:14,261
in some special ed class.
342
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,762
What is it
with you people?
343
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:17,297
Why do you feel you have
to label everybody?
344
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:18,598
Malcolm may be a little strange,
345
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,600
and, I know, I know,
he never shuts up,
346
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,969
but he is not disturbed.
347
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,603
You know, he is a good boy...
348
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,105
Please!
349
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:28,141
You know what? You don't
understand at all, okay?
350
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,210
So if I could just
come in for a minute,
351
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,812
I could explain
everything, okay?
352
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,984
REESE:
Ow! Ow! Ow!
353
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,928
(china clattering)
354
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,411
It's good, hon.
355
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:06,813
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
356
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:09,116
There's something
we have to talk about.
357
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,056
I thought we weren't going
to mention Aunt Helen
358
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,558
till after the biopsy.
It's not that.
359
00:14:18,591 --> 00:14:20,160
It's about Malcolm.
I didn't do it.
360
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,494
Yes, he did.
I saw him.
361
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,030
A teacher
from school came by
362
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,433
and she ran
some tests with Malcolm.
363
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,868
He has an IQ of 165.
364
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:30,703
Who?
365
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:32,539
Malcolm. He's a genius.
366
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,507
He's going
to a special class.
367
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,576
What?
Malcolm's special?
368
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:38,245
Where do you think
that came from?
369
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:40,180
They have a special program
for gifted children.
370
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,082
They have advanced textbooks
and devoted teachers
371
00:14:42,115 --> 00:14:43,883
and all sorts of good things
they don't want to waste
372
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,019
on normal kids.
You start on Monday.
373
00:14:46,053 --> 00:14:47,754
You're going to put him
in the Krelboyne class?
374
00:14:47,787 --> 00:14:49,789
Mom, no! I don't want to!
375
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,558
What are you talking about?
376
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,026
Of course you want to.
377
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,695
No. I want to stay
in my own class.
378
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:57,430
I don't want to be a Krelboyne.
379
00:14:57,464 --> 00:15:00,367
Mom, seriously, Krelboynes
get their butts kicked.
380
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,702
Just stop one minute.
381
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,205
There's nothing wrong
with being smart.
382
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,240
And there's nothing wrong
with being cut from the herd.
383
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:09,376
It makes you the one buffalo
that isn't there
384
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:11,144
when the Indians run
the rest of them off the cliff.
385
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:12,879
Huh?
386
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,314
Mom, this isn't fair!
387
00:15:14,347 --> 00:15:16,783
If I don't want to go,
why do I have to?
388
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,718
Because it's not
just up to you.
389
00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,988
We have to do
what's best for you.
390
00:15:21,021 --> 00:15:22,889
Mom, please!
Don't make me go!
391
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,224
Please!
392
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,892
Malcolm, calm down.
But it isn't fair!
393
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,427
That's right.
It isn't fair.
394
00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:29,629
It's the first time
anyone in this family
395
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:30,964
has ever been given an edge,
396
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:32,732
and you are not
going to waste it.
397
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,168
Dad?
Honey?
398
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:40,473
Well... look, honey...
399
00:15:41,708 --> 00:15:46,479
Malcolm, you see...
400
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,084
Oh, for crying out loud.
401
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,086
How come there's never
any iced tea in this pitcher?
402
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,255
I make a fresh batch
every morning;
403
00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:57,590
it's gone
by the time I get home.
404
00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,093
I want a better family!
405
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,662
Malcolm...
406
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:03,663
Look at that.
407
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:06,133
Gone.
408
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,101
I don't want to go
to a special class.
409
00:16:08,135 --> 00:16:09,802
People think I'm
weird enough already.
410
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,004
I know.
411
00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:12,972
I like where I am.
I want to stay.
412
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,941
Sweetie, life does
not give you
413
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,610
a lot of chances to move up,
even if you deserve it.
414
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,945
Look at your dad and me.
415
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,381
Malcolm, I'm proud of you.
416
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,316
You boys are so lucky.
417
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,652
You have so many gifts
that other kids don't have.
418
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,288
And I just don't mean
Stevie Kenarban, either.
419
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:30,857
I mean, look at those
Parker boys across the street.
420
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:32,659
They may be healthy,
but honest to God,
421
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,794
those are the ugliest
little boys ever born.
422
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,064
They look like boiled beets,
don't you think?
423
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:38,198
And those Henderson kids?
424
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:39,232
That electrocuted their dog
425
00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,334
when they were trying
to get free cable.
426
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,402
How smart can they be?
427
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,903
Just remember,
428
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:47,174
any kid who makes fun of you
is a creepy little loser
429
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,509
who'll end up working
in a car wash.
430
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:53,980
This shouldn't make me
feel better, but it does.
431
00:16:54,013 --> 00:16:55,815
You'll be all right, sweetie.
432
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,318
If you don't make
a big deal out of this,
433
00:16:58,351 --> 00:16:59,986
nobody else will either.
434
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,488
And I just can't say enough
435
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,223
about how proud
we should all be of Malcolm
436
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:06,326
for getting into
the gifted program.
437
00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:09,229
Now, Malcolm may not look
different than the rest of us,
438
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,730
but he is.
439
00:17:10,762 --> 00:17:12,932
Very different.
440
00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:15,167
In his brain.
441
00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:18,704
And I think we should
recognize him for that.
442
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:23,710
Bye.
443
00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,112
CAROLINE:
All righty,
444
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:27,012
today we are starting
a new section
445
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,080
on the Peloponnesian War,
446
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:31,118
which I know
you are all going to love.
447
00:17:31,151 --> 00:17:32,952
Malcolm?
448
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:36,423
Are you okay?
449
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,560
Uh, yeah. Fine.
450
00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:41,561
All right.
451
00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,396
Excuse me.
452
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,736
Stop staring at me!
453
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,879
Why do they keep
doing that?
454
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,814
You're new.
Oh, great.
455
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,417
So I'm the freak
of the freak show?
456
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:06,886
Just... chill out.
457
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,887
Don't tell me
to chill out.
458
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,088
You chill out.
459
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:10,790
Nobody can live
like this.
460
00:18:10,823 --> 00:18:12,592
I'm okay.
Oh, sure.
461
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,628
You're okay because it doesn't
make any difference to you.
462
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,729
You've always been a freak.
463
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,931
I used to be normal.
464
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:22,635
Wait. Who just
said that?
465
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:26,139
You're going to take that
the wrong way, aren't you?
466
00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:28,408
You...
467
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:30,843
suck.
468
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,683
It's so cool!
469
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:42,822
Around here, being smart is
exactly like being radioactive.
470
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,136
I can't believe I'm doing this.
471
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,010
Stevie?
472
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:06,413
What?
473
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:08,381
Look,
474
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:10,149
I...
475
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,852
Score!
476
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,787
(laughter)
477
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,022
Hey, Spath!
478
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,458
Why don't you stop
being such a butt-wipe?!
479
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,527
ALL:
Ooh.
480
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,797
What'd you call me?
481
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:25,798
You heard me!
482
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:26,899
I don't care anymore!
483
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,901
I just don't care,
Spath, okay?
484
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,737
Alls you ever do is make
everybody miserable!
485
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:32,872
Except for your little
monkey-slaves over there.
486
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,474
Who, by the way,
487
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,642
only pretend to like you.
488
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,710
They hate you as much
as everyone else does!
489
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,579
And you're just too busy
being mean and stupid
490
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,147
to ever figure it out!
491
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,183
I keep trying to run,
but my legs won't work.
492
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:46,653
Mom was right,
they are important.
493
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,755
Wow.
494
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,357
I don't know about you,
495
00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:52,992
but the Krelboyne
really hurt my feelings.
496
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,362
(nervous laughter)
497
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:58,331
Hey...
498
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,900
Go away, Stevie.
499
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,702
It's good you
two are friends.
500
00:20:02,735 --> 00:20:05,272
He won't mind sharing
his wheelchair.
501
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:08,908
Okay, this is where something
good happens, finally.
502
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:10,343
So we're going to slow down
503
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,380
and make it last
as long as possible.
504
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:27,860
* The possible dream
505
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:31,063
* Finale of scenes
506
00:20:31,097 --> 00:20:35,034
* The moment
that some call eternal *
507
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:39,506
* That some call insane.
508
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,681
(all gasping)
509
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:52,652
Dude, you hit a cripple.
510
00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:56,956
(gasping, shouting)
511
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,158
I didn't mean to...
I wasn't trying...
512
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:01,060
Stevie, I'm sorry!
513
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,663
(Stevie groaning)
514
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:06,433
Ow...
515
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:09,469
Aah...
516
00:21:09,502 --> 00:21:10,837
Ow!
517
00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:12,572
What's your problem?
518
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:15,141
I mean, he's in a wheelchair
and he has glasses.
519
00:21:15,174 --> 00:21:17,944
Do you know how
bad that looks?
520
00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:20,313
What's your problem?
521
00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,914
* I've seen better days
522
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:24,283
* I've been a star of many...
523
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:30,256
So then, the principal comes out
524
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,325
and everyone's all
talking at once.
525
00:21:32,359 --> 00:21:33,526
So the story he puts together
526
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,628
is that Spath attacks Stevie
for his lunch,
527
00:21:35,662 --> 00:21:38,798
and I'm like this hero
that stepped in to defend him.
528
00:21:38,831 --> 00:21:40,667
It was beautiful.
529
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:44,036
Okay, it wasn't funny
when Spath started crying.
530
00:21:44,070 --> 00:21:47,474
No, wait, it was.
531
00:21:48,074 --> 00:21:51,043
Dad's hair... ugh.
532
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:54,447
Yeah, I know. It's gross.
533
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:56,383
But, hey, if a bunch of birds
534
00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:57,950
can make the best
out of what they get,
535
00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:59,719
then so can I.
DEWEY:
Malcolm?
536
00:21:59,752 --> 00:22:01,954
Like having to
go to special
class.
537
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:03,823
I can make it
work out,
right?
538
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:05,024
Malcolm?
539
00:22:05,057 --> 00:22:06,659
Not now!
540
00:22:06,693 --> 00:22:07,860
Or my
family.
541
00:22:07,894 --> 00:22:09,829
We're not
the greatest
family in
the world,
542
00:22:09,862 --> 00:22:11,163
but we can get
better.
543
00:22:11,197 --> 00:22:12,732
I mean, it's
not
impossible.
544
00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:14,033
Malcolm?
(knocking)
545
00:22:14,066 --> 00:22:15,067
What?!
546
00:22:15,101 --> 00:22:16,469
Can I get out?
547
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:17,870
No! Stop asking!
548
00:22:17,904 --> 00:22:21,641
So, basically, I
think
everything's
going to be okay.
549
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:22,409
(knocking)
550
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,411
A bug went up my nose.
551
00:22:25,545 --> 00:22:26,345
So what do
you want me
to do about
it?
35527
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