All language subtitles for Clarksons Farm S04E06 Splurging 720p AMZN WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-RAWR

We had now reached
the middle of July.

And under a canopy
of blue skies,

the crops appeared to
be coming along nicely.

Soon then, we'd all be
rolling up our sleeves

and getting down to the
job of harvesting them.

♪ Does anyone know the way?
There's got to be a way ♪

♪ To blockbuster ♪

I couldn't look forward
to that, though,

because I had to focus
on getting the pub open.

Right, mate.

-jobs.
-Yes.

I wanna get it open by
the August Bank Holiday,

-end of August.
-Yeah.

All right? So if we keep
six weeks in our head.

And there are certain things.

-We're not gonna do much...
-No.

But there are certain
things we've gotta do.

For example, what
we're standing on.

-Repair the decking.
-I want it to look good.

Yeah, it'll look brilliant.

Yeah. So we've got a
nice area out here.

Yes.

The next job was water.

Because the survey had
revealed that if you drank it,

you'd very quickly
vomit yourself to death.

This is where the borehole is.

Yeah, there's a
borehole down there.

And this is water, we've
been told, is poisonous.

Yeah, it's not... Well, it's
got some disease in, ain't it?

-Yeah.
-It's not drinkable.

We have to get the water sorted
before we can open the pub.

Yeah, you can't use that.

Alan suggested that instead,

we should tap into the main's pipe
that fed the farm across the road.

That's where the water
main is, in that field.

-Oh, is it? In here?
-Yes.

Oh, well, that's not gonna
be difficult to find.

No. Easy. Two-minute job.

-Disabled loos here.
-Yeah.

In front of the propane tank.

After going through
the interior jobs...

Stud wall. Little bar.

Change that bar.

Yes.

We then got down to brass tacks.

Oh no, you're gonna say
"how much" now, ain't ya?

Well, I'm not worried about
this. This is peanuts.

What do you call "peanuts"?

Well, let's just say,
let's just say...

10,000 to 15,000 to put a brand-new
decking down here and tighten it up.

Okay.

-Next?
-Water.

The water main, we're gonna piss
about that for a couple of days.

Let's just say £1,000 to get
your water up here properly.

-Oh, that's not so bad.
-Not a big deal, is it?

-Next?
-Stud wall. And bar upstairs.

The bar and that stud wall, I think
it's about five grand up there.

That's easy.

-Next?
-Bar downstairs.

That's a bit different.

-Yeah. What?
-Make a nice bar down there,

you wanna give me a
budget on that really.

-If you wanted to spend six, seven...
-Yeah, no, exactly.

-I can work that one out.
-Yeah.

So really, it's sort of
twenty to twenty-five.

-Yeah, 25,000.
-We can make this pub...

Workable, yeah.

Whilst Alan's lads set about
demolishing the rotten decking,

He and I went to see if any
other jobs needed doing.

And instantly, we ran
into a welcome face.

G-Dog!

Jeremy!

Alan!

The old general's back!

What have you done to your hair?

Did you only have five quid?

No, I got it done for ten.

I have it, I have it...

-But they didn't do the back.
-No.

No, over the top with the whole
thing and then the whole thing on...

-On the top of that, yeah?
-Yeah!

You know, this one's like the age
when I was about five years old.

Hey, listen, I'm glad
you're here, because this...

Yeah?

We just need to
get this rebuilt.

Yeah. I dunno. The old 'n'
still like that, though.

Do you remember this...

You know, tricks
you or something.

That's a long way from
Chadlington to here.

'Cause I was gonna say, you can have
everything from that in the cove,

I can always get 'em right.

They got an hole in it so
I could tell you perhaps.

I mean, I can't be
on it as well, can I?

Yeah. That would be good.

So that's what we've
gotta get done.

Yeah.

We're just popping down there.
We'll be back in a minute.

-Yeah, okay.
-I'll see you in a bit.

-Lovely.
-Won't be long.

With the pub
renovation underway,

I got back to the business
of providing it with food.

Endgame would eventually
have his own production line,

but I couldn't wait for
that to come on stream.

So I decided to go to my
first-ever cattle auction

and buy some cows.

-Hello?
-Charlie?

Hi.

I'm just wondering, how many
cows do you think I should buy?

We need between six
and seven. Maybe eight.

Okay. Erm, so I'll
get eight cows...

And these are store
cows? People will...

Yeah, you don't want
to buy store-store.

You wanna buy something that actually,
we can finish fairly quickly.

What? I literally don't know what
you mean. What does that mean?

We want something that's
only about two months away

-from being fat to slaughter.
-Right.

-Because, erm...
-So a fat cow is ready to go?

-Yeah.
-A store cow is on its way

-to being ready to go?
-Correct.

-All right, thanks, Charlie.
-Good luck.

Bye. Thank you.

I still wasn't totally sure
what Charlie was on about,

but there was no need to panic,

because Harriet had kindly
agreed to come along

and hold my hand.

But you don't drink coffee.

No. Tea.

I can't believe a Yorkshireman
doesn't drink tea.

I do drink tea.

And we started

by going through
the breeds on sale.

-Charolais and Angus.
-Yeah.

-That any good?
-Yeah.

-These were run on moorland at altitude.
-Yeah.

So it's telling you they're
coming down, aren't they?

So you always want animals to come
down in altitude rather than going up.

Because say if you've got sheep and
it's been bred on high altitude,

it could go to lower altitude.

But if you had a
lower-altitude sheep,

you wouldn't want to
put it on high altitude.

-Why not?
-Because it wouldn't survive.

It's not used to that altitude.

What, because the air is thin?

Yeah. It's just not used to it.
So sheep just die, don't they?

So if you put it somewhere with a higher
altitude it'll probably just drop dead.

-Belgian Blues, I read about those.
-Yes.

Last week. There's
something wrong with them.

What's wrong with them?

It was in The Times.

Foot and mouth, that's coming
back round. I don't know.

But that wouldn't just
be in Belgian Blues.

Oh, here we are.

They're called XL Bully cows.

"A muscle-bound foreign
cow, dubbed the XL Bully,

could replace UK breeds
under secret research plans.

Belgian Blues can weigh
up to a 197 stone,

equal to a small rhino,

and are bred for extra meat.

But Belgian Blues
have also been behind

a series of savage attacks.

Ex-Home Secretary David
Blunkett, who's blind,

suffered three broken ribs..."

"... as he protected his guide dog from
a charging cow in the Peak District.

'It was a massive European breed,
I could have been killed.'"

So Belgian Blues are dangerous.

You're not gonna buy in
anything nasty anyway.

We then went to the pens to
look at the cows themselves.

-Morning.
-Hiya.

I love the adverts.

"Mobile sheep dipping."

"Slurry systems."

So...

Look at the back on that, right?

That's what you're looking for.

It's a flat back like
a tabletop, ain't it?

So we don't wanna see a spine.
We don't wanna see any bones.

You don't want them to be
pot-bellied. Urgh, that's the worst.

Yeah.

You don't want them
to be pot-bellied.

You just want them
to look muscley.

-There?
-Yeah.

So you're gonna get your
steaks throughout it.

So what you want
to be looking at

is the meat-to-fat ratio.

Following Harriet's advice,

I made a long shortlist of the cows I
thought Charlie would want me to get.

Three, six...

And then, I was
given a crash course

in how to bid.

You need to play it by ear.

You know, say he's
starting off at £1,200,

don't bid, because then
they'll bid you up.

-Who will?
-The other buyers.

'Cause they'll know you want them
cows 'cause you've put in your bid.

So you wanna wait until the
last minute to put in your bid.

How do I know when the
last minute's coming?

'Cause when he's
stuck at a number,

you'll know that it's
not going any further.

That's when you'll go...

How do I go?

That?

-Eyebrows.
-Don't bid on anything we don't want.

Because he'll take
this as a gesture.

So you can't be going, like, putting
your hand up or itching your nose.

Oh, he'll think that's a...?

He'll take that as
you wanting to buy it.

All right.

And then we'll be going home
with twenty of the wrong cows.

All right, ladies and
gentlemen, make a start.

-You see that TV up there?
-Yeah.

That's gonna tell you
what lot number you're on.

Okay, good. That's
useful to know.

And that was the last
thing I understood,

because at that moment, the
auctioneer started speaking.

1,060, 1,060, 1,070, 1,070,
1,080, 1,090, 1,100 for the bid,

1,100 for the bid, for the bid.

1,120, 1,120 for the
bid, 1,130, 1,140, 1,140.

1,140, 1,150, 1,155.1,155, 1,160
for the bid, 1,160 for the bid.

At 1,180 for the bid,
1,185, going now at 1,210.

1,215, 1,225, at 1,220 for
the bid, sold, sir. Name?

Not one word.

-Not one word.
-Twelve twenty-five, £1,225.

1,160 for the bid in Uttoxeter,

1,160 for the bid.

Does he talk like this to his wife when
he wants her to pass the marmalade?

I don't know. You
should ask her.

You there, pass the marmalade.

Children, do your homework.

I'm going upstairs for a shit now,
and then I'm gonna wipe my bottom,

and then I'm gonna come downstairs,
and then we'll have our supper,

and then I'm gonna watch
EastEnders, and then I'm gonna...

For the bid, 40 for the
bid. Sell, Showby, 1,240.

Right, these are good.

That's the bid for 1,320.

1,350, 1,350, 1,350...

Are you bidding?

A hundred bid, a hundred
bid, at 1,600 now, ten!

1,610, 1,620, 1,620 bid, 1,620.

1,620, 1,620, bidding, and
going, the lady's bidding,

sell away at 1,620.

We got them. 1,620.

-I'm sorry, did you just buy them?
-Yeah.

Well...

1,620. So you've
got two at 1,620.

234, 1,620.

How were you bidding?

Were you just letting your
toenails grow and he saw it?

I mean, I didn't
see... Oh, hello.

That's a nice beast.

At this point, I decided
it was time to pull rank...

I'm supposed to be bidding.

And do some buying myself.

1,120.1,130.

1,130 for the bid.

I'm leaving you to it.

£1,150.

-1,150.
-1,150 for the bid.

Stop putting your
hand up! 1,150.

Nearly twice, nearly twice.

-Did I buy that?
-You bought it twice, yeah.

You bid yourself up.

Shit.

Seventy bid, seventy
bid, seventy bid fifty...

Nevertheless, I
continued on my own.

1,270, Diddly Squat.

I'm pleased with that.
He's a good-looking cow.

10, 9, 10, 20 bid. 50
bid, 40 bid, and £940.

And 60...

Did I buy those?

Yeah.

20 bid, 80 bid, and 90 bid,

and 90 bid, and 90, and
100 bid, and 100 bid...

Until eventually...

60, Diddly Squat, 1,260.

So, you've got one, two,
three, four, five, six...

You've got eight.

-So we're done.
-We're done.

With the money handed over
and my cows being loaded,

I asked Harriet to
explain one last thing.

When I bought one of those cows,

-a man came over and gave me forty quid.
-Hm.

-Why did he do that?
-It's "luck money".

So when you buy someone's cows,

they give you "luck money"
as an incentive to buy them.

So it's cash money
he's just given me?

-Yeah. No tax.
-I like him.

Well, there is now, 'cause
I've just put it on television.

-HMRC are watching.
-We'll give it him back.

Having said goodbye to our
part-time Diddly Squatter...

-Take care of yourself.
-Yeah. See you later.

I headed back to the
farm with my new cows...

Come on, new cows.

...and waited for Charlie
to shower me with praise

for a job well done.

Check 'em out.

Those two limousines are
cracking. They're really good.

-They'll finish quite quickly.
-They're the ones Harriet bought.

-Who chose the other ones? Harriet?
-I did.

Don't you think this
one's pretty cool?

No, it hasn't got a round
rump on the back. It's bare.

Oh.

What about that one?

Again.

What's the matter with that one?

They're not big enough yet.

They've got good frames, but
they need to pack some weight on.

Oh.

There were some fat
cattle at the market.

-Yeah, but you said don't get fat ones.
-I said buy fat ones to you on the phone.

You said: "Get store-store
cattle, late store, not fat."

I said the first couple need to
be a month from being finished.

So if they'd have been fat,
they'd have been finished?

Oh, God, have I done it wrong?

Well, we've not done it right.

So we might be lucky

to finish those brown
ones by the end of August.

This one, probably six months.

No? Six months?

Charlie said the only way to get
them ready for the pub more quickly

was to put them on a
high-intensity bulking-up diet.

You need to change this.

Okay.

We're going to make
you big, fat cows.

While Charlie went
off to organise that,

I headed back to The Windmill...

for my first meeting
with Sue and Rachel.

You've got to look at
it as a machine here.

And we definitely
want it to look great.

Together, they specialise in
setting up pubs in the Cotswolds

and now I needed them to
get mine off the ground.

A much more immediate problem: I want
to get this place open in five weeks.

Well, obviously
it's quite daunting.

It's not ideal, is
it? But we'll do it.

Sue then outlined how efficient
the operation would have to be.

You know, we're gonna seat
or serve 150 people in here.

A hundred on the terrace.

Yeah.

-Two, three, four times a day.
-Yeah.

So for every meal that's
coming out of that kitchen,

there's gotta be an efficient machine,
because the food has gotta whiz in,

everyone knows what they're
instantly doing with it, do it,

shove it out the front door.

I then showed them the kitchen,

which, I assumed, was already
full of everything we'd need.

This back cook line, I think to do
the numbers that we're talking about,

needs to be vastly improved.

A new six burner. A chargrill.

Probably a salamander
grill on the wall.

Definitely a salamander grill.

This Rational, we need another one
of at the other end of the kitchen.

So you need two of those?

-How much is this?
-That's like a mega oven.

-How much is it?
-Seven grand?

-What? For an oven?
-But it's a really amazing oven.

How can you possibly
spend seven thousand

-on an oven?
-It's a chef's favourite toy.

How much do you think we'd
need to spend in here?

Well, if we're having
brand-new kit...

-Seventy-five to a hundred grand.
-A lot of money.

-Sorry, my ear's like...
-Slash a bit of rented...

Yeah! It is a
surprise, I know that.

-Seventy-five to a hundred...
-It's a bad time for ears!

I'm sure you said
a hundred thousand.

But we could probably halve
that for reconditioned.

-Less than fifty.
-Thirty-five to forty.

With a bit of reconditioned,
a little bit of not-of-spec.

And will that be able to do
carvery cooking at weekends?

Yeah.

So what goes in here then?

-We'd keep this, obviously.
-This is prep, yeah.

-Oh, so this is food prep?
-Yeah.

It's really disgusting.
Look at this floor.

This is not new dirt,
this is old dirt.

It's filthy. Look in that
fridge. It is disgusting.

Filthy.

We've got to line all
these filthy walls.

It's cheap and cheerful.
It's just cladding.

You need to get a new fridge.

I mean, one of the things, you know
we're gonna put the shop in here.

-What?
-Lisa's shop.

We need that area. We've
got so much to store.

There's spare furniture,
spare glassware.

No, no, no, she can't
have a shop in here.

The thing is, we do need a
lot of storage. We've got...

-What storage?
-Napkins, crisps.

Spare crockery, dry store.

Millions of glasses, stacks
of blue roll, loo rolls.

Millions of things.

You need storage.

-This is what people don't see in pubs.
-No.

You see sort of a smiley
waitress pulling a pint.

That is about one
per cent of it.

And the rest is mostly...

Shit. Lisa's not gonna be...

Stacking chemicals!

Shit.

How are you gonna break it to
her? 'Cause I don't think...

I'll do what I always do.

I think of a solution and
then tell her the solution.

If I tell her the problem,

I'm beaten about the head and
neck with blunt instruments.

After slotting that problem
into my mental microwave,

I went to find Alan...

Oh, man.

God Almighty. Urgh.

...who'd messaged me to say
the pub's septic tank was full

and also broken.

-All right, chaps?
-All right, Jeremy.

Hello, lads.

What is all this shit?

That's the fibreglass tank.

That's the baffle that
has collapsed inside.

Go on over, Jeremy, and
have a look down 'em holes.

You have a look down there.

Oh my fucking...

I know!

-Unbelievable.
-Oh, God.

Fuck me, man.

A lot of the problem
with this is grease.

That's what you
can smell, grease.

Is that what that
is, that sharpness?

-Grease?
-That smells like shit to me.

That's probably what's collapsed
the baffle inside, the weight.

-What's a baffle?
-The weight of it.

It separates the
shit from the water.

-Is he pumping it out now?
-Yeah.

-And that's going in your wagon up there?
-Yeah.

We're gonna put some new pipes
in it to make it work again.

Okay.

You gotta bear in mind this
was the sixties or seventies.

Never been cleaned out a touch.

That's been collecting
grease and shit for...

Since the pub opened
in the eighties.

But the tank was
here beforehand.

-Fifty-odd years.
-Yeah.

Oh, look. Somebody's
dropped it down the bog.

-It might still work.
-"It might still work," he said!

We've got a new telephone!
Oh my fucking God.

No, no, no, I don't believe it.

Shit.

He's in there. That
man is in there.

Yes!

-How does he breathe?
-He's going on holiday tomorrow.

He's going to Greece tomorrow.

-But the trouble is...
-He's going to Greece tomorrow!

Yeah, and he'll stink of
grease for a week now.

So he could have done
any job in the world.

-Yeah.
-But he went, "No."

But we've been in the
shit all our life.

Hi. You all right?

Well, I'm better than you.

-Coming in?
-Yeah, yeah...

I'm too fat, mercifully.

Unbelievable.

Guys, you're amazing.
Amazing, amazing work.

There you go, boss.

Over the following days,

work on the pub continued
at an industrious pace.

But it is a shitty shithole
at the moment, isn't it?

And in amongst all
the manual labour,

Sue tried to find a chef...

Cooking...

And Lisa went shopping
for furniture.

I'm a big fan of the
French bistrot table.

This is a nice base as well. We could get
a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?

Gosh, what are you doing to me?

Look at this.

I, meanwhile, had to prepare the
bulking-up diet for the new cows,

which first of all meant a trip
over to the Hawkstone brewery.

And how much do these weigh?

Nearly a ton.

...where Mark the
brewer had boxed up

some suitable ingredients.

So what we've got
in each of these

is what's called brewer's grain.

And that's a waste
product from the brewery.

Half a ton in this one,
half a ton in that one.

And then you take that over
and feed it to the cows.

And there's a circularity then.

So waste product feeds cows,

cows get fat, cows
shit on field,

grow barley in field, bring it
back here, make it into beer.

It's just so sustainable.

I'm basically Greta
Thunberg but in wellies.

Back at the farm, I met
up with sous-chef Kaleb,

so we could start making
the cows their mega meals.

So this mixed up with the barley

that we couldn't sell last year
'cause it wasn't good enough for beer.

-Literally roll that, though.
-Roll it.

-And then molasses.
-Yeah.

For that treacly taste.

-To make this stuff palatable for them.
-Yeah.

And then the waste product
from making our vegetable oil.

Yeah.

Or... How's this for an idea:

why don't we just buy them a
Wetherspoons' breakfast every day?

In order to get the
cow catering underway,

Charlie had ordered in
a giant rural Magimix.

Hiya. How're you doing, mate?

Yeah, good. How are you? James.

-Hi, there. Jeremy. How are you?
-James. How are you doing?

So it's like a big hoover.

Suck your barley in,

suck your rape meal in, mixes it all
up, then it all goes in the centre.

Oh, it mixes it in there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I've got minerals
and molasses to go in as well.

That is so satisfying.

I could do this all day.

-Shall I break it up a bit?
-Yeah.

I love the idea of
cooking with a lorry.

Gordon Ramsay,

Marco Pierre White,

Angus Steakhouse, they
don't cook with lorries.

And there it is.

Cow food.

At feeding time,
later that afternoon,

we added in the
brewer's grain...

You just sprinkle that
over the top like this.

And dinner was served.

Moo cows!

This is it.

Mmm! Delicious!

Look!

Yes, look at that. Eat it up.

Look! Look!

How delicious is that
with the molasses in it?

I can see them getting
fatter and fatter.

They love it, look.

They really do love it.

Over at the pub,

nearly every surface you could
walk on was out of bounds.

So I headed outside to
clear the undergrowth

with my favourite companion.

There you go!

Yes! The emotional
support unit is back!

And he's hungry.

Sadly though, my therapy session
was cut short by Sue and Rachel

who called me in
for an urgent chat.

Well, first on our list,

covering the deck
with some jumbrellas.

We needed to sign it off
about forty minutes ago

to guarantee the jumbrellas
arriving in time.

How much are the jumbrellas?
These are the big umbrellas, yeah?

Yeah, three enormous umbrellas
to cover the entire deck.

Yeah?

Approximately £40,000.

Including electrics,

lighting,

future proofing, ready for
three-phase if we ever get it.

We have spoken to Alan about
it, but not installation.

Sorry. You're saying words.

Forty thousand for
three umbrellas?

-Yeah.
-They're massive. Eight metres.

£40,000 for three umbrellas?

Yeah.

If you didn't cover the terrace and
it was raining, no one can eat there.

No, I'm well aware that we
need umbrellas, I know that,

but I really genuinely
believe that's nuts.

What we were trying
to avoid was having...

Because we could cover that
deck a lot more cheaply

with more of a
parasol-type situation.

-Yeah.
-But given the size of the deck,

we would need probably fifty.

So it would sort of just
look like a sea of umbrellas.

Plus the table's
probably that shape.

The brolly's round in the middle.
A lovely bit of sun, no probs.

So Sue's getting
soaking wet. I'm okay.

-Rachel's in. You're wet.
-Yeah.

-End of.
-How have I reached this point in life?

Have you come round to the
brollies now you've said it?

No, I just cannot believe I'm 64
and somebody's just said to me,

in all seriousness:

"Oh, by the way, the
umbrellas are forty thousand."

-You can buy a fucking Golf GTI for that.
-Did you sort of hope

that the purchase of the
pub might be the big one?

I just thought I'd put a
new bar in and open it up.

That's probably the one thing you
don't really need. That bar's fine.

Erm...

We haven't told you how
much the furniture is yet.

-Yeah.
-Lisa saw some lovely stuff.

-Really good choices.
-Yeah, and how much?

-Forty thousand.
-Yeah.

Okay, where are we
on the umbrellas?

You're gonna have to give me
an hour to think about it.

Okay, fine.

With the budget being
blown to smithereens,

I went outside to have
a catch-up with Alan.

-This is amazing this stuff, isn't it?
-It's brilliant, innit?

And you try it, look.

You really can't
fall over, can you?

No. Well, unless you're pissed.

Right, do you want the good news or
the bad? I know it's a beautiful view.

What?

It's fucking gone
up double, ain't it?

-What has?
-This. Over double. 'Cause of that.

-What?
-Yeah. I'm sorry.

-You're kidding.
-No! No, I'm not kidding.

It's gonna be over forty
thousand now, from the twenty.

But look, we've got no option.
They said anti-slip decking.

We cannot do it without
this kind of stuff, look.

-And that adds £20,000?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, it's...
-What? That?

It's gonna add about sixteen,

plus the labour's extra,
plus everything's extra.

The blades, you can't cut it,
I had to keep buying blades.

Right, well, okay.

That settles this umbrella
debate. You know these forty...

Yeah, we're not having
'em. None of that.

No, but hold on a minute.

You know those sails that
you get coming off buildings?

If you ran them from between...
Oh, I'll show you actually.

If you ran the sails...

If you mounted them
between the top of the door

-and the drainpipe...
-Yes.

If you put a slope on them...

No, I'd go up. And I'd put a pole
here. You can go up, then go again.

To be honest,

they've just put a sort of tented
arrangement up at the Three Horseshoes.

Have they?

We gotta get 'em here and have a look,
haven't we? See what they can do.

Yeah.

Clearly, the notion of
opening the pub for £25,000

had been massively
wide of the mark.

But there was no time
to dwell on that,

because in my new role
as human ping-pong ball,

I had to bounce back to the farm

where we'd just had a
new crop of piglets.

Holy shit!

-Has she kept them all?
-An army of them.

One, two,

-three, four, five.
-You wouldn't be able to count them.

Six, seven, eight, nine and
then one under there, ten.

-No casualties.
-Wow!

Look at the way they just climb all
over! Oh, my God, they're so cute.

She's a great mum,
though, isn't she?

I can't believe it.
This is tremendous news.

Then we went over
to see Richard Ham

because Dilwyn the vet had come up
with a new plan for looking after him.

So here's the situation.

Richard Ham's now old enough to
start having a go on his sisters

so we have to put him
back in the boy pen.

Good.

But Dilwyn says if we put
him straight in the boy pen,

they'll beat him up.
They might even kill him.

Oh.

So he said the
only way round that

is to build a little pen,
which I've done here,

and then

for company, give
him the smallest boy,

and Richard Ham and his friend can
live together in here and they bond,

then after a week we can release
them and hopefully all will be well.

Okay.

All right, Richard?

There's Richard Ham. Perfect.

Oh, well done, K.

So now, Ham is in there, okay?

Let's just see...

He'll be fine.

Yeah, so these two
will become friends.

Then after a week, we
put them back in here

and that one will protect
Richard Ham from being beaten up.

The thing about Richard Ham

-is he's such a cheerful little fellow.
-I know.

He hasn't started riding a motorcycle
yet or having fights in pubs.

I love his little monocle.

But he will.

They seem to be perfectly happy.

That one looks like
a nice-natured pig.

Erm...

-Oh! Problem!
-Oh! What's...?

Ow...

Richard!

-He's just standing there.
-It's his brother!

It's his brother and he's supposed
to be in there to make Richard safe.

Oh my God. I've never
seen that before!

Deliverance was wrong.

Piggies don't squeal.

He's just finished up.

Okay, look, Jeremy.

I think he's gonna get gang raped
if he stays with any of the boys.

Well, he can't go
with the girls.

Well, at least he's
not gonna get pregnant.

Well, we haven't really
cured anything here.

We have to call Dilwyn.

-Well, what are you gonna say?
-I'm gonna say, "What shall I do?"

There's a thing, yeah. Have
you ever heard of a freemartin?

No.

You've never heard of a freemartin? So
basically, if a cow has twins in it...

-Yeah.
-It gives birth to one boy, one girl.

-Yeah?
-The girl comes out

not knowing what sex it is.

Now, what I'm saying is
that little boy there

moved his tail to one side
thinking it was a girl.

So I wonder if it could
actually be trans.

What, we've got trans pigs?

This is like being in a Labour Party
executive committee meeting now.

There's a thing.

Can we be farmers
just for a minute?

-He's got a point.
-I am being a farmer.

This is what happens.

Like, I was once
working on a farm, yeah?

As Professor Cooper
chuntered on...

It basically had a
penis and a vagina.

...Richard Ham made
another Houdini move

and escaped into the main pen
with all his brothers and cousins.

So, I got on the
phone with Dilwyn.

So Richard Ham,

I did as you suggested.

I built a little pen in the
corner of the boy pen for him,

got another boar,
put it in there,

then put Richard Ham
in with that boy.

-Yeah?
-And within a minute,

the other boar
brutally raped him.

Right.

I think basically they were just being
adolescent boys, aren't they really?

And they just, er...

No, well, no.

Dilwyn, I don't know
how things were in Wales

but in Yorkshire
I never thought:

"Oh, well..." No, at no
point did it cross my mind.

And now Richard Ham was now
with all the other boars.

And is he getting
beaten up over there?

No, not yet, but...

The way that I would
do it with him:

wait and see what happens
now he's with the big group.

'Cause if he's okay with the big group,
that's your problem sorted really.

All right.

-Thanks, mate. Cheers. Bye, bye.
-Okay. Bye.

Fortunately, my next animal job
was much more straightforward

because it involved the goats,

who for the last few weeks had
been in their training pasture

getting used to their
hi-tech invisible fence.

Right, here's the pasture, okay?

This is where they are.

There you go, look.

That Elon's death ray is keeping
them where we want them to be.

Right, come on, goats.

-Are you ready?
-I'm ready.

Now they were fully
compliant, though,

I could release them to do the job I'd
bought them for in the first place.

Come on, goats.

Come on, goats.

Which was to clear the brambles

in all the inaccessible
parts of the farm.

It turns out goats are
really good on a hill.

That's kind of the point!

So this is it.

Now we're on Operation Clear, where
we would never ever be able to fence.

Look at that in there.

-They're ravenous, aren't they?
-That is just goat paradise.

How much of the area
have they got here then?

-Well...
-Look at the app.

-I don't have the app.
-I've got it.

It's a bit less than an acre.

A hectare rather.

Yeah, yeah, no, 'cause you want them
to just graze certain areas down

and then move them through.

So it's like mob grazing.

But this is what we got them
for, is to nail these brambles.

And within, what, five minutes,

that bramble bush is
really in trouble.

That's fantastic.

Apart from making
the new cows fatter,

there were no more immediate
animal-management demands.

So, I turned my attention
back to The Windmill,

where I'd had a brainwave.

It's only about ten to
fifteen mil out of square.

In order to highlight my
pub's connection to farming,

I would hang an old
tractor from the ceiling.

First, though, I wanted
to get it modified.

Okay, I've got the tractor

and now I need to get it
chromed and lightened.

And I always think when
you've got a job like that,

you're better off giving it
to a little man in a village.

So I've come to a village hundreds and
hundreds of miles from civilisation

where there's a very little man

who's going to do
the work for me.

There he is.

Mate!

Hello! Welcome.

This is... This is it?

Yeah.

-That's a 35.
-I know it is.

That's a really nice tractor.

This, of course, where you live,
is called "modern", isn't it?

-Out here, it's a fine thing!
-People going:

"Look at this. Is that
internal combustion?"

-We have worse than this turn up.
-"Now look 'ere."

We have worse than this turn up
for restoration. We're not Welsh.

-It is Wales.
-It's not Wales.

I crossed the M5
about four hours ago.

-The M5 isn't the boundary.
-It is the bor...

-It isn't.
-It is.

It's not Welsh people
on one side of the M5

and English with bows
and arrows on the other.

Well, it is.

Once we'd sorted out several hundred
years of politics and geography,

we got back to my tractor.

So we've gotta get it down
to under 750 kilograms

or I'll pull the roof down.

If we take all the
internals out, everything,

prop shafts, everything...

And then chrome the bonnet
and the wheel arches.

Which bits do you
want to chrome?

The red bits.

Oh, right. So you don't
wanna chrome all these bits?

No.

-Yeah!
-I think that should be Hammerite.

-Black?
-Well, you know, that...

Is it Hammerite?

-Hammerite is...
-It's your world, this.

-Yeah, it is!
-Yes, I know.

This is so weird!

That's your world now
and that's my world now.

Now, you've gotta get this done
before panto season starts.

Does that mean the cust...

So when are you off to Swindon?

-I'm not going to... I'm not.
-You are. You are.

-You know you're in the show?
-In what way?

Oh, in a big way.

Well, how can I be in it? I
haven't done anything in it.

No, you have, but you
just don't know you have.

Your contribution is immense,
I've gotta be honest with you.

Immense and in some
ways... not dignified.

Right.

Once the tractor was off,

the conversation turned to
my least favourite topic.

Right, do you wanna
talk prices and budget?

-We can do.
-It's filthy money.

On that pub, everything
costs too much money.

-Good. Well, we can keep up with that.
-Yeah.

I mean, are we talking hundreds,
thousands, tens of thousands or millions?

Tens of thousands.

-Tens?
-Probably be up to about twenty.

No? Twenty? What,
to chrome it? What?

Yeah, to strip it all down, take
all the gubbins out from the inside.

That'll have to be machined.

I could have done it.

£20,000 to paint a tractor?

Well, the point is, as your bank
balance is taking a bit of a beating,

let's keep it going.

Why give up? Then it'll have
time to strengthen like that

and then it'll be resistant, and it'll
be harder to get anything out of it.

Whereas now, it's
floppy and weak.

-Be sensible. Be sensible.
-Wounded.

Otherwise I will be on the
front row at the Wyvern.

I'm not doing that.

And I will be making observations
about your performance as Buttons.

I'm not doing panto.
How much is the paint?

The paint's gonna be at
least three grand a litre.

-A litre?
-A litre for chrome paint, yeah.

Why didn't you tell
me before I set off

that it was going to be more than
the GDP of most European countries?

Because then you
might not have come.

-I wouldn't have come.
-You have and you've brought the tractor.

So basically, you've lowered
your plums into my vice.

And I've nipped it up a
little bit. And now...

If this was a normal
farmer coming,

then you wouldn't
be saying £20,000.

Well, what normal farmer would
chrome his tractor, you pillock!

Erm...

Since we were now only
five weeks from opening,

I was forced to agree
to Buttons' terms.

On the good-news front though,

Sue and Rachel had
found me a chef.

His name was Nick,
and like them,

he had vast experience of
getting pubs up and running.

-How many pubs have you opened?
-Ten.

-So you've got a place in Stratford?
-Yeah.

But you can come and help
us get this one going?

Oh yeah, a hundred per cent.
The place in Stratford runs...

Er, it runs with
just me overseeing.

At the moment...

Worryingly, Nick then pointed
out that getting my pub open

would be harder than any of the
others he'd done in the past.

What fills me with living dread

is the initial conversation
I had with you,

is you have seventeen cows,
you wanna sell them in the pub.

It's how we sell those cows.

What?

We can't sell them in all
of their constituent parts.

Why can't we just, erm...

If you're gonna serve 300,
350 people here in one day,

we can't hold

-twenty portions of shin of beef...
-So you can't do beef heart, ox tongue?

Twenty portions... We end up
with a menu of a hundred dishes

which is like
completely unachievable.

So on a regular rolling basis, we
need to be serving one cut from a cow.

Now, what are you doing
with the rest of the cow?

Hold on. Oh, my God al-fucking-mighty.
This is complicated.

So if we slaughter a cow,
take it to the butcher's...

What I'd want is parts of
that cow in large quantities

for a finite period of time.

For one week we'd be
serving rump steaks,

so for that week, all
I want are rump steaks.

The following week, we can
change the menu, we can switch.

We can move on to a sort of
slow-cooked feather blade of beef.

But again, all I want for a
week is the feather-blade cut.

The kitchen operation
has to be simple.

People need to be served
reasonably quickly,

both for their own enjoyment,
but also for your business.

-To turn, yeah.
-You feed people, you turn the table.

This has really worried me now.
Because I thought if we got

fifty farmers round the country,
we say: "We'll take your beef."

Yeah?

We'd have enough to feed
fifty thousand people.

But what we're actually doing
is only taking one thing.

I mean, at the farm shop with the
burger van, we just mince everything.

-Yeah.
-Fillet, the whole lot goes in there.

Which is not commercially
viable in a pub.

Nobody who owns a pub
anywhere is mincing a fillet.

-It's commercial suicide.
-Fuck's sake.

And then, but what actually do
you do with the rest of the cow?

Exactly. Well, that...

To a certain extent that's not
my problem, that's your problem,

because this is your idea
of how to run the business.

Ah, but it's my idea based on
absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.

It's becoming clear.

The concept of serving the nose
to tail of your cows in this pub

does not work.

So, two weeks earlier,

Sue and Rachel had
given me a big problem.

You know we're gonna
put the shop in here?

-What?
-Lisa's shop.

We need that area. We've
got so much to store.

And now Nick had handed me
one that was even bigger.

I urgently needed to
sort these things out,

but I didn't have time.

In you get. Go on.

Because I had to get back to
the farm to weigh the cows.

This is the weigh scales
then, and you've set it up.

To make sure their new diet
was making them fatter.

Start session. Look.

What's the ideal
slaughter weight for them?

-Roughly between about six-fifty.
-Oh, okay.

Here we go.

Go on, then.

-What's the ear tag?
-105 386.

And that one weighs...

468.

-He's lost weight.
-Hey?

As the weighing went on,

I realised this
wasn't a one-off.

What was the weight?

Four six two.

He's lost two kilograms.

Fucking hell.

Go on.

472 kg.

Right, that's lost
four kilograms.

Why are they losing weight?

There we go.

Four ninety.

That's only put on 1 kg.

Fifteen days he's
put on one kilogram.

Oh, shitting hell.

-Minus 7?
-Minus 14 there, look.

Go on.

Nobody's gonna be eating
these any time soon.

No. That's not good.

What are we gonna do with you?

They've worked out that if they
get fat they go off to market.

So they've given
themselves bulimia.

Shit.

It turned out that shit
actually was the issue,

because Dilwyn said their new
superfood was giving them diarrhoea.

You're giving them too
much high-powered food

and it's just basically
going straight through them.

So it's like me having
a vindaloo really.

What you're feeding them
isn't doing any good,

'cause it comes straight
out the backside.

Then, with the harvest looming,

we went on a crop walk.

And that was a disaster as well.

Oh, my God.

-Is that a slug?
-Oh, shit.

No.

-That's not good.
-That is not good.

You've got ergot in your wheat.

That is a hallucinogenic
fungus growing in the wheat.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Bravely, I left
Kaleb and Charlie

to deal with the
LSD in our wheat

and our bulimic cows

and went back to the pub

to sit in the sunshine with
a glass of thinking juice

to sort out the problems there.

And eventually, I
had a brainwave.

Tent!

What was needed

was an urgent call to The
Grand Tour's Mr Wilman.

I call him "Reg". Don't ask why.

-Hello?
-Reg?

Yeah?

Erm...

You know The Grand Tour tent?

Yeah?

Do you know where it is?

Well, it's in a warehouse.

I mean, it's tucked
away in a warehouse.

I mean, we can't get rid of it.

With the vast Grand Tour tent
erected on the pub's lawn,

we'd not only have
somewhere for Lisa's shop,

but also space for a butcher's
and Annie's burger van,

so I could sell the cuts of meat
not needed in the pub's kitchen.

We can then transfer it to there and
there, all in the same operation.

-Yeah.
-So when a cow comes here,

all of it is used.

This is the right
direction, definitely.

-What I'm saying?
-Yeah.

That is good, yes.

The Grand Tour tent!

That's a shitload of tent.

Fucking hell.

Is that the whole thing?

-No, there's another load to come.
-What?

All right, keep coming!

Now, just four weeks
before opening,

we were finally back on track.

Check it out!

Here we go.

We're off.

How do you feel about an antler
chandelier in the carvery room?