All language subtitles for Chateau Vato (2020) 1080p

- Yeah, Horace.

- Hey, baby.
Ooh.

- Hey, baby.
Come here.

- Come here.

- Ah.
- Ah.

- You're naughty.

- Hello.

Anybody home?

Can you tell the petunias

that the coffee grounds
are here,

so wake up?

You know, the great thing
about you, Mr. Snail,

is that you'll always have
a roof over your head.

Even if we don't.

Andale, Nando!

Tell your mom and sister
to hurry.

I wanna beat traffic.

- There's already a traffic jam
in the bathroom.

Aurora!

Aurora, let's go!

Let's go!

- That's natural fertilizer
right there.

It's potassium,
phosphate, nitrogen.

At least I hope
that's all you have.

Let's go!

- Gustavo.

Mi amor.

I was thinking,

should we build
a second bathroom?

Or should we use the money
for air-conditioning?

- Aurora, come on.

- Coming.

- Nando!

Come on, I'm leaving.

- Where's your brother?
Where's Nando?

Nando!

Nando!

- I'm coming!

I don't care.
I don't care.

Get outta here!
This is my house!

They wanna throw us out
of the house.

Please.
I have my kid here.

Don't let them do this.

Gustavo, please, look.

- Help me, Gustavo, please.

Please help me.

- They let her buy a house
she can't afford?

- Yeah, they did.

- Oh, nada.

I just gotta stop
eating chicharróns

before I go to bed.

- Please, Gustavo.
Help me, Gustavo.

Gustavo.

- 12.

13.

- Hey!

- Andale, Chuy.
I have a job interview.

Come on, man.

- Hey, Chuy.

What happened?
She doesn't kiss you anymore?

- Long time ago.

Look at this shit.

- Stop, stop, stop.
Drop me here.

Drop me here, Papi.
Drop me here. Drop me here.

- Stop.
- Let me out! Let me out!

- It's not till the next block.

- Let her out.

Go, mi'ja.

- Good luck, baby!

- Hey, let's go
before we get carjacked.

Rise and shine?
- Do it.

- Are we done yet?

- Ah, ah, ah, not till 3:00.

- Hey, Pops, how come
these places are always empty?

- Yeah, it does seem
like we spend

more time in their homes
than they do.

Hey, Chuy, angle the rows.

It's better for the grass.

- Flaco.

Come on, I'm not paying you
to stand around

listening to birds.

I should be in charge
of 500 guys.

I should give the orders,
not take 'em.

That's all I'm asking.

- You got a problem?

- Mosquitos kill more people
than sharks.

- Thank you.

- It's time we give this mule
a proper burial.

- What's your name?
- Tiffany.

- Yeah, I have never seen
anything like it.

- Ah.

Mrs. Glickman, por favor,
if I could have a minute.

- It is the third will
I've prepared this month

for that horny old bastard.

- If you have a moment,
I'd like to ask you a favor.

- Not now, please.
Yeah.

Each with a different
female beneficiary.

- If I could have
a small advance,

I could do a lot of extras.

I could clean
the plants inside, the gutters.

I just need a small--

- Mi housekeeper handle-y
staff-o stuff-o.

- I could be on call 24-7.

- Your competition works
first month free.

- Did you just fire me?

- I need to be thrifty,
like everyone else, Hector.

Hector?

Who the hell is Hector?

Well, let's pack up our gear.

The Hondurans
poached another one.

- Cowards.

Stealing our customers.

- They're no cowards.

If they didn't swim
across the Gulf of Mexico,

they walked through
a hot desert to get here.

That's no cowards.

- Okay, but you were
born here, right?

You're a taxpaying citizen,

just like the president.

And because of these illegals,
you can't feed your family.

- Chuy.
Hey, Chuy.

What are you doing, Chuy?

Huh?
Stealing their lawn mower?

Three strikes
and you go to jail forever.

- In the clink, I get
three meals and free dental.

- You're not in the clink.

You're free and you're gonna
stay that way.

- No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.
No, no.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

- It's nothing. No, no.
Wait, no.

Mira, mira, guys.

- We're not.
We're not stealing it.

I was trying to return it.

No, no, we just--

- Yah!

- La migra!

La migra!

Vámanos!
Vámanos!

- Get down. Don't move.
- Get outta here!

- Andale! Andale!
Vamos!

- What's going on here?

- Take this.
I'm a repeat offender.

I got priors.

- What are y'all
fighting about?

I'm gonna arrest one of y'all.

- Uh, four?

- Hi.
- Hi.

You speak English?

- Sí.

- Your parents have a gardener?

- Mm, yes.

- Okay.
How much?

- My accountant.
- $100.

- What?

No, it's a dollar!

- Excuse me, sir?

I was driving by and I noticed
a fine gentleman like yourself

doing this lawn.

Why don't you let me
and my boys do that for you?

- Oh, no.
I do my own chores.

Curls for the girls.

- Wait a minute.

You're that guy

from "Days of Our Wives,"
aren't you?

- Troy Hudson.

- Yeah, yeah, didn't you win,
like, a dozen Daytime Emmys

or something like that?

- 11, actually,
but for some reason,

people tend to exaggerate
when they talk about me.

- Yeah.

You know, my wife went through
a box of tissues

the day your show got canceled.

- Oh.

If a woman cries over me,
she's not the poorer for it.

- So what's your secret?

- Oh, do you want the simple
or the complex answer to that?

Women just love to be loved.

- Do you know anybody else
that could use our services?

- Oh, the Hancock place
could use some attention.

Just down there on the left.

- Down here?
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- All right, gentlemen.

- Good afternoon.

This is the Alvarez
Landscaping Company.

We're looking for work.

- Threat detected.

- Siri lives here.

- Threat detected.
- What do you expect?

You look like a bandit.

- Gustavo, I think
I broke into this house once.

- Threat detected.

Threat detect--

- I've seen this spread before.

They filmed
"Machete Massacre" here.

- It's a disaster.

- No, listen to me.

You see trash, I see cash.

This is an opportunity.

You know the Lopez gang?

That's how they got
the Playboy Club.

- I bet they even get
sleepovers.

- Gardeners with benefits.

- Quit clowning around.
Come on.

Let's clean up.
Let's go.

Hello!

Gustavo Alvarez.

If your garden is a mess,
I will clean it for less.

Hey, anybody home?

Hello!

- You won't be the first maid
I've fired for complaining.

- Lupe,
come play with me.

- Oh, here.
I'm back here.

Come here.

- Anything wrong, Lupe?

- No.

- Good.

I'm going to need you to stay
a little longer today.

- Any day but today.

Today is my anniversary--

- You know how upset Henry gets

if you're not here
when he wakes from his nap.

Mm.

There you go!

Sí, sí.

Two fake IDs.
- Congratulations, jefe.

And next time those cabrónes
try to take our lawn mower,

bang, bang!

- You here to buy back
your camera?

- No.
I got this.

Here for the...

- Oh-ho.
Pancho Villa has returned!

Gustavo, a man like you,

he's got a big heart, hmm?

But maybe you need

a little faith?

Now, remember, it's not
the size that counts.

Don't wanna overcompensate.

- Thank you.

all: Surprise!

- Aww, Papi!

- Oh.
- Yay.

- Hey. How are you?
Flaco, hey.

- Mwah.

- Wah!
- Whoo!

- Where's your mother?

- Not home yet.

- Who's paying for all this?

- Ay, Papi, relax, okay?

Happy anniversary.

It's your 25th anniversary.

Romeo and Juliet
didn't even make it to one.

- Yeah, we might not
make it to 26.

- Ay, just relax, okay?

How about you just go change

and I'll stay here
entertaining our guests?

- Are we paying for this?

- Ay, just go change.

- Make sure you save
the bottle.

That looks expensive.

- Got that.

All right, fiesta!

all: Tequila!

- Oh!

- Gustavo!
- Hey.

- Congratulate us.
We're getting married.

- Oh, I didn't know
she was pregnant.

- I'm not.

- Oh.
Well, sorry.

- Oh, we're running out
of beer.

- Yeah?
Try drinking it slower.

- Whoo!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey. Hey.

Shh. Shh.
- What is Chuy doing?

He's drunk.

- Shh.

El jefe hired me

when nobody else gave me
a break.

He didn't care
how many dudes I snuffed.

Wherever you are, without you,

I'd be pushing up daisies
instead of planting 'em.

- Here I am.
Here I am.

- Hey.

- It's amazing what a joint
and a couple of beers

can get a person to say
about you, but--

But I thank you anyways.

- I love you.

- I like you.

You know, your real wealth
is in your friends,

and tonight,
I'm a very rich man.

My wife means everything to me.

25 years ago,

when I first laid eyes on her,

I couldn't believe that God
had let an angel come to Earth.

So I just simply want to say

that anyone
who's ever been in love

will know what I'm feeling now

times 25.

You know,
if she would've said no, I--

I don't know where I'd be now.

Thank God she was drunk,

and that's why
God made tequila.

Who knows when or if

we'll be able to share
another moment

in this backyard again?

But here's to my Lupe.

people: Aww.
- I love Lupe.

I love you, and I wish
on every one of you

who's ever been in love...

To have a love like mine.

Thank you.

- Sí?
- Sí.

- Mm-hmm.

- Hey, Pops,
you lost your touch.

- Hey.

- Hey.

You get that from your mother,
not me.

- Pops, what happens if we
get arrested for trespassing

and I can't call Mom
to bail us out?

- Nobody's gonna get arrested,
and if we do,

the way you play
with that boy,

you'll fit right in
with a bunch of men.

- I'm the only kid on Earth
without a phone.

- Hey!

You scared me.

How the hell'd you get in here?

- The doggy door.

- That's a big dog.

- Never been inside
a castle before.

- Oh, I suppose
you don't remember

me taking you
to Disneyland's magic castle.

- That doesn't count.
- Why?

- Not when you made me pretend
I was ten years old

to get in half-price.

My knees still hurt

from walking around
like this all day.

- You got in, didn't you?

Hello!

Hello?

- Hey, Pops,

Horace Hancock
must be on vacation.

- What are you doing
going through his mail?

Put that back!

Ha. Publishers Clearing House.

Like he needs it.

Let's go. Let's go.

Hello!

Hello!
Anybody home?

- Some females would kill

to be with the king
of the jungle.

And although
the mating session is quick...

- Hello!

- The female
is not complaining.

- Sir?

We're the gardeners
that cleaned up your yard.

Did you like that?
Sir?

Hello!

Damn.

Don't tell me he's...

- Dead?
- No, no, cállate.

Please don't be dead.
I need this job.

- Damn, talk about a stiff.

- Will you stop doing that?

Disrespectful.

Let me see.

He's awfully cold.

Aw, man.

Now who's gonna pay me?

- Pops, Pops, Pops,

the old man was filming himself
doing the deed.

- Stop that. Give me the phone.
I gotta call 911.

- We can't.
- Why?

- We're trespassing
and we can't afford a lawyer,

especially one of those
free ones.

- Look at this.

That's a lot of blue pills.

Let's get outta here.

Got your fingerprints
all over the place.

- Thanks for the phone.

- What?

What in the hell
are you doing?

You're supposed to be working.

Blowing each other like that.

- So give us the good news.

- Well...

- Father, allow me, please.

Gentlemen, the place was dead.

Lifeless.
Gone.

Finit.
- All right.

- Stick a fork in it.
- Did we get the job?

- Uh, well...no.

- What is that?

- Not worth the price
of a pit bull

but still a really nice score.

- We did not steal
the man's dog.

- If nobody was home,

how do you know
it belongs to a man?

- A woman wouldn't own a dog
like that.

- What do you know about women?

- You know I've been married
three times.

- Proves my point.

How come I gotta ride
with Scooby-Doo?

- Rich.

R-I-C-H.

Gold.

G-O-L-D.

Damn.

Hey.
Hey.

What's the password, huh?

Hey. Look at me.
Look at me.

Look at me.
What's the password?

Hey, what's the password
for his phone?

What's the password?

Come back here.
Horace, Horace.

- Dad said we couldn't afford
another mouth to feed.

His business must be
booming again, huh?

I almost got the house
back together.

- Hey, you wanna go play?

You wanna go play?
Let's go play outside.

Let's go play outside.

- How is the job search?

Mom, the one agency
that gave me the interview

wanted me to get a butt-lift
just to answer phones.

- When you're done
feeling sorry for yourself,

help with the dishes.

Think of it like...
like aqua aerobics.

- Easy, easy, easy.
- Oh, sorry, boss.

- What?
- Boss.

- You are late on your payments

and your house is foreclosed.

- What?
You are mistaken.

You probably mean, like,
the house down the street.

- No, señorita.

- Señorita.
What señorita?

- You are evicted.

Your balloon payment
just went...

- Hey, put that down!

Put that down!
Tell them to put that down.

- Not your couch anymore.
- Put that down. Hey.

Tell them to put that down.

- Lady!
- Put it down. Abajo.

- Hey, boss.
- Put it down!

- What are you--
what are you doing?

- Get outta here. Come on.
Let's get out of here.

- Get her out. Come on.

- No.
This is my house.

- Not anymore.
- You gotta get down, lady.

- This is my house!
Stop it!

No! Stop it!

Put me down!

No, you're not
taking it away from me.

- No!
- Take that!

Wait until my husband
gets home!

- Lady!
- This is my house!

My son was conceived
on this couch.

Tell them to get away!

You are scum!
Evil!

My money!

Sirs, that's my money!

Hey, that's my money!
Stop it!

- That money belongs
to the bank.

- Stop it!

You gonna give me a ride?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Gustavo!

- Drop her, boys.
- You are not taking me.

This is my house.
You get that?

- Just dump her!
- Well, you do!

Because it's my house!

Mi amor.

Gustavo.

Tell them.

- It is time for you
to vacate the premises.

- No.
You can't kick us out.

Foreclosure status required
a six-month notice.

- We had a year.

No.

- 150 bucks is yours

if you clean up the place
for us.

Windows too.

Gustavo.

- Nando, Aurora,

go in the house
and get our valuables

and all the clean underwear.

We're outta here.

- How bad is it?

- Well, we owe some mortgage,
some taxes,

some telephone bills,
electricity bills,

Costco, Subway sandwich,
credit cards,

some money for the crew,

and five cases of champagne,
that's all.

- Without money,
we got nothing.

- Look, I could always Uber.
I'm strong.

- And that taco truck?

It has 108,000 miles!
- Baby.

- Your own daughter
wouldn't even ride in it.

- We had nothing
when we started.

We'll start again.

- You don't understand,
Gustavo.

I was barely able
to keep on going as it was.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, now who's--

who's holding secrets, huh?

You never let me know that.

I never knew you were unhappy.

You never complained.

- Because you wouldn't have
heard me.

Because you're happy
with everything as it is.

Because you're scared to think
that you deserve more.

- I don't deserve you.

- You're right.

Every single day.

Every single day,
I put the maid's uniform,

I put the smile,

and I become invisible.

And I overhear them talking
about how unhappy they are,

about that there's not enough
snow at their ski resorts

or how unhappy they are

with their
financial consultants,

and meanwhile, I am cleaning up
their fucking toilets.

The worst thing is

when they put me
in the Christmas card

and pretend that I am
part of their family.

And all the horrible things
that I don't tell you, Gustavo,

because I love you
and I didn't wanna hurt you.

I didn't want you to know
what happens to me

when I go to work.

I put up
with all of that shit, Gustavo,

because when I came
to this little house

and I closed the door...

And you take that little house
away from me, Gustavo,

and I have nothing else
to give!

- Come on.
Look on the bright side.

At least we now have
matching luggage.

- Get up.
Get up, mi amor.

Help me.

- Hey.

Great dog.

- I forgot my hat.

- We're homeless, Gustavo,

and the only thing
you can think of is your hat?

- It's got my DNA.

- Even our problems
have problems.

- Just wait here, mi amor.
I'll be right back.

This won't take long.

- Hey, Mom, where are we
gonna sleep tonight?

- No, Lupe!
What is that?

Lupe, did you steal that?

What is that?

- It's Cuban.

- That just means
you broke the law twice.

Give me that.

What's gotten into you?

We gotta get outta here.

- Gustavo.
Hmm.

- What are you doing now?

That's not right.
You're taking somebody--

- What? Mmm.
- Don't do that.

No, no, no, I don't want--
- No, no, no.

Gustavo, open your mouth.
- I don't want any.

- Mmm, Gustavo.

Mm, that is just...

Oh!

- Who's gonna clean up
that mess?

- I will clean it up later.

- Later? There's no later.
We're leaving now.

- No, no, no,
no, no, no, Gustavo.

- What do you mean,
"No, no, no"?

- Gustavo, mira.

- What?
Oh, no. Don't--

- No?
- Don't do that.

- Ah!
- Oh!

Ooh.

Who cares what happens
next week,

next month,
next year?

Focus on tonight, mi amor.

- Oh, Lupe.

When God closes one door,
he opened another one.

- Where are you going?

Lupe, we could wind up
in handcuffs.

- Ooh, handcuffs.

That might come in
handy tonight.

- Lupe, have you lost
your mind?

- I've lost much more
than that, Gustavo.

- Oh, Lupe.

- Gustavo.

Sí, Gustavo.

- No.
- Ven, mi amor.

Ven.

Gustavo.

- Okay, okay, okay.
You win, you win, you win.

- Sí, rápido, rápido.

- I'm a Superman!

- I didn't think
they still smashed.

- They're going
for that third kid.

So who owns this place?

- Oh, let me introduce you
to our host,

Mr. Hancock.

Nando, what's that smell?

- Hancock was a cross-dresser.

Or he was very generous
with his lady.

- Ladies.

Every dress comes
in five sizes.

- Lupe.

You were an animal.

I loved it!

But one question.

Why did you keep calling me,
"Horace! Horace!"

Ay, Dios mío.

- Say we get away with it
for a few days,

a week, a month.

Who's gonna pay the mortgage?

- Well, he has a 1952
Rolls-Royce in his garage,

which means he's been here
for at least six decades,

and I don't think
there's a mortgage.

This house is paid for.

I think the only thing
we have to worry about

is the utilities.

- Ay, Papi.

A person who had all of this

definitely had people
in his life.

- But there is not
one single picture

of a family in this house.

- Except...

- A dog?

- Listen,
and listen to me good.

We are going to only be here
until we get back on our feet,

and we're gonna leave
this place

better than we found it.

I didn't expect to get busted
till tomorrow.

- At least here,
the cops ring politely

before they arrest you.

Quick, flush the weed
down the toilet!

- What do I do?
What do I do?

- You act like you own
the place.

- Okay.
- There you go.

- Ah, I own this place.
I own this place.

This is my house.
Can I help you?

- I'm here to see Mr. Hancock.

- Oh.
Hancock.

- Is he...otherwise disposed?

- No, he moved to Arizona.

He sold me the house.

- He sold the place.
- Yes.

- To you.
- Yes.

I opened the door, didn't I?

- He sold you his house,

his dog, and his bathrobe?

- Yeah.

He wanted to make
a clean start.

It was a garage sale.
Good day.

- Russ Huard.

I broker high-end estates,

and I've been eyeing
this property for a while.

How much did the old guy
end up getting for it?

- For the dog and the house?

- It's okay.
Could upsell.

- No, it's just that--

- True, title companies
make that information public

but not when both parties
agreed to sign

a confidentiality agreement,

as it is often the case
in high-profile acquisitions.

Aurora Alvarez.

I handle
our real estate transactions.

- Smart.
Keep it in the family.

- Yeah.

Ah, that won't be necessary.
I...

- Welcome to the neighborhood,
Mr. Alvarez.

- Thank you.

- Compliments
on the landscaping.

- Yeah.

I did not like
the way he was staring.

At me.

- Pancho Villa wants
a fake ID, huh?

- $300 for deluxe package.

- Okay, but does that include

the gas bill
and the driver's license?

- We throw in counterfeit
handicap parking sticker,

Grammy, Emmy, Oscar tickets,

Yacht Show, Art Basel,

Miami Heat, Miami Dolphin,
UM football game,

half off Brazilian butt-lift.

- Wow.
- Ooh.

That watch, though.

- Oh, no, no, not the watch.
- Uh-huh.

- This watch is--
no, it's out of the question.

It's not mine.
I'm holding it for a friend.

What would I get for it?

- Today only, fake ID.

- The address
is 911 Bizmark Drive.

- Ooh, the 1% of the 1%.

Nice.

- Can you throw in
a dog's license

in there too, please?

- What's the dog's name?

- Horace.

- Horace?

What kinda name is that
for a Latino mutt?

- Well, he's--he's adopted.

Come on.

Come on.
- Pops.

Pops, Pops, Pops.

What's it matter
what monkey suit I wear

if we drive up to my new school
in this piece-of-crap taco?

- Hey, Nando, what if
the old coot didn't die

of natural causes?

- He didn't,
unless you consider

jerking yourself off
to death natural.

- Hey, I'm lucky
I got out of my teens alive.

You behave, I'll let you
take this to the prom.

If this doesn't get you laid,
nothing will.

I never really had a chance
to talk to you

about the birds and the bees.

- Sure, Pops.
What do you wanna know?

- I don't know,
but don't touch it.

I'm trying to learn
how to drive this car.

- Morning, Mrs. Rockefeller.

- Pops, that guy knows
we're gardeners.

- Who's that--ugh.

- Whoa!

The hell are you doing?

Where's Horace?

- Oh.

- He sold the house.

- Yeah, yeah, he sold the house
and everything in it.

- Really?

You're gardeners.

Why are you dressed
like you're sort of...

- Uh, well...

- Tell me about the new owners.

- Well...
- Gustavo.

Pick up my order
at the pharmacy.

And the pool needs attention.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Troy Hudson.

If your costar wasn't arrested
for humping a goat,

you'd still be on the air.

- Well, better
to have loved and lost

than never to have loved
at all.

- Mm.
- Hey, Troy.

Of all the women
you've been with,

who's your favorite?

- Hmm. Always my next one.

- Forget it.
You're wasting your time.

I haven't been able to get
as much as a smile from her.

That's Donya Guadalupe Alvarez.

- Ooh.
Guadalupe.

Oh, yeah.

- He's still got game.

- How may I help you,
gentlemen?

- Yes, I'd like
to enroll my son

in this school.

- May I have
proof of residency, please?

- Here you go.

Well, you know, not that...

we wanna brag about our wealth,
because it's not polite,

but I got the money.

I could send him

to just about any private
institution, you know.

So private that sometimes
he's the only one in the room.

But I want him out the house.

- No, no.
Stop, stop.

Your hands off my ukulele.
I'm serious.

That is not yours.
That is mine.

- You're gonna sit over there
and not move a muscle

until your name is called.

You understand?

- "You understand?"

- What grade will you be
attending, Fernando?

- What comes after eighth?

- I've survived
Tiffany Glickman.

I can get through you.

Take a seat.

- Students with consecutive
detentions will be suspended.

Students with consecutive
suspensions will be expelled.

Students with consecutive
expulsions will be required

to audition for reality shows.

- Can't believe
summer's over already.

Mother made me go
to boring Europe again.

- Damn.
- You?

- I worked for my dad.

- Wait.

You're the guy
that mows my lawn.

- Fernando Alvarez,
you're wanted in the office.

- Hasta luego.
- What?

- Spanish.

- I don't speak Spanish,
except for the curse words.

- Charlie Imbiano.

Charlie Imbiano,
come to the office, please.

- You mopped underneath
the refrigerator?

- Yes.
- Mm.

And Master Henry's
pear puree?

- Yes, he's fed and bathed.

- Mm.
Good.

Hello, darling.

- I want more unicorns!

I don't subscribe
to corporal punishment,

except under
extreme circumstances.

- Ha.
Ooh.

A little sensitive today.

- I like those hairy arms.

- Oh.
- Why are you stopping?

- Don't do that.

- Oh!
Oh!

God.

- Look who's sensitive now.

- You're fired.

Turn in your uniform.

On Monday, my lawyer will--

- You'll do nothing,
unless you want your wife

to find about
your two mistresses

and the secret bank accounts
that you keep in the Caymans.

- Lupe!

What are you doing?
You can't quit. We're broke.

- I am not gonna put up
with this anymore.

- What?
- I am not putting

with this up anymore, Gustavo.

Never again in my life.

- What happened?

- You don't want to know
what happened.

- Lupe.
- I'm leaving.

- Lupe, please, I can't get him
to take his nap.

How do you do it?

You are the mother.

You take care of him.

- Didn't we brush shoulders
during Art Basel?

- I never brush shoulders.

Wrinkles my gown.

- Hey, I'm sorry I'm late.

I was closing a deal
on Star Island.

Shaq's old place.

- Russ Huard?

You still using that name?

I kept three lawyers in Jaguars

trying to recoup the $5 mil
you screwed out of me

on that Palace Estates deal.

- What's he talking about?

- Something that was settled
a long time ago, Aurora.

- Won't be settled
till I see you behind bars.

One thing you need to know
about people around here:

most everything you see
is fake.

- I Googled your company.

You had your
real estate license revoked

for fraud.

- It was suspended,
not revoked.

- Just find another sucker,
hmm?

- Why did Horace Hancock
just suddenly disappear?

Hmm?
- I told you.

He moved to New Mexico
for the weather.

- Actually, no,
your dad said Arizona.

Canadians move to the desert
for the heat,

not people from Florida.

- Well, when you have
the kinda money that we do,

you tend to conceal
certain details

to see if people
are interested in you

or your wealth.

- Oh, okay.

So you think that all I see
are dollar signs.

- Russ, come on.

You wouldn't be talking to me

if I was a little Latinita
from Hialeah, mm?

- There are three
huge properties

that go on the market
tomorrow.

Do you wanna go back
to my place

and...work?

- Mm, I'll do...

my own research at home.

Aurora, actually,
your house is the other way.

- Pops, this beats
hanging a hose off our roof.

- I wish the swimming pool
was kidney-shaped.

And make the jacuzzi
face south.

You know, we still have
the same problems

we had before.

Except now we got
an electricity bill

that's $4,400.

- Sell his stuff.
He doesn't need it.

- It's one thing to eat
the food in his refrigerator.

It was gonna go bad anyways.

It's totally another thing
to sell his stuff.

- Did Robin Hood steal?

- Robin Hood?

All we are is hoods.

Don't you think
God's gonna punish us for this?

- No.

I think he finally stopped.

- Just like
the old neighborhood.

Except these pure breeds
all bark in French.

- Ow!

- Threat detected.

Threat detected.

- Hey!

Mr. Hancock.
Haven't seen you in a while.

Are you his driver?

- I'm a collector.

I collect cars like this.

I have a lot of them already.

- Never thought
ole Horace would part

with this chick magnet.

Only other person he ever let
behind the wheel was Svetlana.

- Svetlana, huh?

Svetlana, was that his driver?

- No.
She's my ex.

That'll be $88.73.

- Okay, here you go.

Uh...

- Oh, you're short.

- Uh, coupon?

- Not for a jumbo soda
and fries.

- Give me a minute.

- Where are you going?

What do you think
you're doing, pal?

Vámanos.
- Oh.

- Let's go!

- Hey!
Hey!

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Thank you.

- Dios mío.

$62 an ounce?

That's how much they charge
for the pound.

- If you're looking to pocket
what your señora gives you

and what you actually pay for,

there's a Spanish market
on Calle Ocho that discounts.

- Infuriating, isn't it?
- Oh.

- I mean, when I'm not
wearing my Gucci

and they hear my accent,
they treat me like the help.

Please.

I mean, I wear more diamonds
to the supermarket

than to a charity event.

- Hmm.
- Hola.

I'm Marina de la Torre.
- Hi.

- So there's a supermarket
down in Calle Ocho.

Es divino.

Shall we?

Thanks for nothing.

- Mr. Hancock,
your baby's back.

- What are you doing
in my house?

- I ask same.

- I am going to call
the police.

- Phone next to toilet.

- How did you know that?

- My house.

- This is my home!
Get out!

Who are you?
- My brush.

- Who are you?

- I'm Horace housekeeper
many years.

Back from holiday.
You take my job, I kill you.

- Do I look like a maid?

- Yes.

- Svetlana?

Ah, yes.
You must be Svetlana.

Hancock said that you were

the best housekeeper
he ever had

and the only one he would allow
to drive his Rolls-Royce.

That's a big compliment.

- He put me in will.
He die, house is mine.

- He lie.

Just like all men.

- I go.

- No.

We could use some help
around the house.

You can stay.

- I unpack.

- Lupe, what are you doing?

- I just hired a maid.

- I see that.

Why don't you just hire
gardeners and painters?

- I did.
- What?

Hondurans?

- And they are
cheaper than you.

- That's loca, you know?

You know...

Out of your mind.

- Gustavo.
Where are you going with that?

- Well, I'm gonna go
try to get some money for this

so can pay our gardener,
our maid,

our plumber, our painter,

whoever else you hired.

Tan loca.

- These two producers are

caught in the middle
of a messy divorce

because they both caught
each other

sleeping with the same star
of one of their films.

- No way.
- They need a quick sale.

Why doesn't your father
scoop it up?

- Oh, real estate is just
his hobby, not his passion.

- Am I wrong to assume
that your father went

from 0 to 60 pretty fast?

- Russ, it's not polite to ask
how people made their money.

- Politeness is not what made
these people well-off.

- Why not?
He's good-looking.

- We ask twice its worth,

list it exclusively
in Dubai and Abu Dhabi,

sell it for 50% off,
sight unseen.

What are you waiting for?

The United Arab Emirates
is 11 hours ahead.

- Here, take the Oscar!

- I have a new listing.

- Oh!

Coño.
I burnt my tongue.

Now I can't taste
the hint of nutmeg.

- Grow a pair, Flaco.

- I'd sooner grow
one of those.

You know, vaginas
are ten times stronger.

It launched this culito
into the world.

- Last time you touched one.

First time I've seen a Rolls
in my neighborhood.

Car drives itself?

- Not the ones
from the last century.

- This painting
is by P-I-C-A-S--

- Worth more
if it wasn't faded.

- Where did you get
all of this stuff?

- This camera
is the original camera

used by Charlie Chaplin to--

- Who's going to buy a camera
that uses film?

- These feathers,
this was used

to sign
the Declaration of Indepen--

- Yeah, was it used to tickle
George Washington's balls too?

- If they did,
it'd be worth a lot more.

Okay, this is my final piece.

These piece right here,
bust is an original.

- It's a bust itself.

Leonardo da Pinche,
it's got a crack in it.

- Yes, but it's
a 5,000-year-old crack.

- Nobody likes old crack.

- $1,500.

- That's only $1,450.

- You think because I'm Asian,
I'm good at math?

- No.

I think you just weren't
raised right.

- Pervert.

- You know,
you're not the first kid

to use a fake address
to get into our school.

- Give it back, freak.

- Orale, ese.
Where you kick it?

Where's your crib, cabrón?

- Where do I live?
- Yeah.

- Uh...my house
is down the street,

around the bend,
behind the trees,

up the road...

the yellow brick road.

- Oh, the Hancock estate.

Yeah, my mother writes
the old geezer

a new will every week.

- Yeah, well,
I swiped Hancock's,

but I can't figure out
the password.

I've tried
every four-letter word

I could think of.

- Oh, did you try L-I-A-R?

"Liar."
- No.

I'm gonna try out S-E-X-Y.

- Oh, yeah?

Okay.

- "Cool" or "hot"...
- Yeah, yeah.

- And all that kinda stuff.

- So you don't have
a phone that works,

so how do I get in touch
with you?

- The old-fashioned way.

Nando!

- Nando!

- Nando!
- Nando!

both: Nando!

Nando!

- Hey, is that Nando?
both: Nando!

- Running with a rubia,
yelling his name out?

Gustavo.
- Hey.

- I just saw your boy
running with some rubia.

She was yelling his name out.

And Lupe just, like, ran by.

- Eh, that's not Lupe.

- No, I gotta admit, bro,
it looked like Lupe ran by.

- I'm telling you,
Lupe doesn't run

unless there's a sale
at Target.

- Mr. Gus.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Mr. Gus,
that stench is horrid.

- Yes, ma'am, it is.

I'm using the new,
100% all-natural fertilizers.

- But I'm expecting
company tonight.

Would it be
too terribly difficult

to get rid of it?

- Ma'am, this smell is horrible
for human beings,

but I assure you,
to the plants,

it's Chanel Number 5.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Ah, pick up the poo.

Yes, Mrs. Finch.

It's good poo.

Ay.

No.

No.

No.

I quit.

- Gus.

Gus, come on.

- Qué te pasó, man?
- This is not like you.

All I know is gardening.

Here's the hat.

Here are the keys.

196,000 miles,
in mint condition.

- Take the money, Gus.
Here.

- I don't get it.

Man's broke,
he doesn't take a handout.

- He's got dignity.

And he'd want me
to have 'em both.

- But you got the hat, man.

- No, he wants me
to have 'em both.

- You got the hat.
- Get off!

You can never get enough
of what you don't really need.

Put hers on my bill.

So, darling, I'm hosting
my ladies' charity group

at my home next week.

But I'm still waiting
for my first invitation

to your house.

- Excuse me.

I couldn't help overhearing.

I've heard
the most marvelous things

about your ladies' group.

I mean, the minimum
to join is $100,000.

That works for you,
doesn't it, Lupe?

- Lupe?

- Stop.
Stop.

- Lupe?

Lupe?
Is that you?

- Mrs. Teater.

- Well, I didn't know
we frequented the same spa.

- You two know each other?

- Well, Lupe was
our housekeeper for a decade

and her husband our gardener.

- Oh, my God.

Lupe?

- Did you think that I was
going to stay married

to that loser forever?

I got divorced,

got married to money,

just like you did.

Except that my husband
is classy enough

to not screw the maid.

- Oh, well.

Hmm.
She must be religious.

Enjoy.

- I'm not sure why,
but you make me feel

unbelievably secure, Lupe.

- Let me guess.

You grew up with a Latina maid?

- Señora?

Señora.

- Scale the fish.

- That is Svetlana's job.

- I have Svetlana working
inside the house.

I can't have her
smelling like fish.

- Dinner at the Fontainebleau
tomorrow night.

- That's such an awfully
short notice, Troy.

- Well, I'm starting to think

there's another man
in your life.

Frankly, I must say
I'm surprised

there's not a huge rock
on your finger.

- Me too.

May I have you for dinner?

My staff could use
the practice.

- Wonderful.
See you tomorrow night.

- Gustavo.

Can you help me with the clasp?

- Of course, señora.

Here, hold this.

What else is Troy buying, huh?

- Just my act.

- Let me tell you something.

That Casanova is not allowed
to step one foot in my house!

- Your house?

You have been criticizing me
for acting like it's my house,

and now it's your house?

- You wanted it upside down,
now you got it.

- You were the one
that told him

that I was single, rich,
and available.

- Well, I just didn't think
that he would find you--

- What?

Desirable?

- No, no, I mean--
- What?

- I didn't mean it like that.

- Well, you didn't have to.

- What's gotten into you?

You changed!

- Ay, Papi, Mom's not going
to sleep with him.

She's just letting him
buy her stuff

so he thinks she will.

Relax.

- Yeah, I'm doing the same
with Tiffany.

Although I'll probably sleep
with her.

- And both of you,
I wanna talk to you,

as soon as I...talk to her.

- I've been trying to unload
this turkey for months.

- Really?

Well, I told the buyer

that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
was conceived here,

and we had an offer by noon.

- Wow, okay, so you're okay
with lying, then.

Tell me the truth,
where did your family

actually live last year?

- Russ, I've banked
five commissions

and have yet to see a dime,
hmm?

- Well, I just figured
you're so well-off

that you wanted
all your commission checks

donated to charity.

- Listen, you screw me over
and I'll--

- Whoa, whoa!

That sounded
a little hood there, chica.

People threaten with
their attorneys around here.

They don't just haul off
and hit people.

- "Number one
real estate couple"?

Really?

- Yeah.

Statistically, they've proven

that people trust
business couples.

- We'll list it for $5 million.

- Okay.

- Excuse me.
What are you doing?

- You know, when I was a kid,
I used to lie here

and pretend I was swimming
in the ocean.

Hey, big fella!

- Hey, Horace knows you.

- Horace?

You named the dog
after my father?

My dad gave him to me
when he was a pup.

His real name is...

Well, it hardly matters.

No sense in confusing
the animal.

Hi, I'm Theo Hancock.

- Hancock?
- Yeah.

Boom!

I can finally do that.

Hard to believe
the old man sold the place.

I figured he would die
right here in this chair.

- So...

so what are
your plans now, Theo?

- I'm part of a group.

And we are going to Burundi
to teach English.

- You don't gotta go that far
to teach English.

You can do that where I'm from.

- Well, where are you from,
Mr. Alvarez?

- Miami.

- Ha!

You got a good sense of humor.

- I'm not joking.

Have you been to the Department
of Motor Vehicles here?

- I have.

- Svetlana.

You two must know each other.

- Never see before.

- You sure?
He's the previous owner's son.

- Horace never mention boy.

- She wouldn't know me,
because I was sent

to boarding school.

My father and I have been
estranged for years.

Way too long, I guess.

Well, I gotta do some diving
before it gets dark.

- You like to swim at night?

- Dumpsters.

- Hmm.

Listen, Theo,
I wanna tell you something.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't think
I'm overcompensating.

I was raised
in a giant tombstone.

The place couldn't be
in better hands.

You know, you don't feel
calluses like that

around here too often.

You mind if I ask
what field you're into,

Mr. Alvarez?

- I take care
of private properties.

I specialize in hedges and...

- Hedge funds.

Big-time.

Well, you know,
some people are so poor,

all they have is money.

Anyhow, adios.

- Adios.

Remember,
tu casa es mi casa.

- You mean
mi casa es tu casa.

- Yeah, that's
exactly what I mean.

Hey!

It's over.
Everybody pack your bags.

This party is done.

His son just showed up.

Come on. Come on.
Let's go, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
Get up, get up, get up.

- It wouldn't hurt to do
just a few, gordito.

- You hear yourself?

I buried the guy
in his own backyard

and you're worried
about my pesa?

Come on. Let's go.
- Actually, no.

I'm worried more about mine.

- That's good.

- You know, if they catch us,

they're gonna put us in jail
and throw away the key.

Will you stop doing that?
Come on! Pack your bags!

- Worst that'll ever happen
to me is some foster home

while you guys are in
the big house, so...

- I'm good.

I can claim I was trying
to sell the place.

- Gustavo, your son is

the most popular kid
in his school.

- He's gonna be
the most popular kid in jail.

- And our daughter has
real estate photos everywhere.

- I'm not happy about that.

- And I am on first-name basis

with a lady
whose husband owns Chips Ahoy.

- Whoop-de-do.

- We're not invisible anymore.

- You've gone crazy,
all of you.

I'm telling you,
pack your bags.

Let's get outta here, now.

- Gustavo,

it will probably end--
and badly--

but until then...

- Namaste.

Ah, man.
All right.

I have an early showing
tomorrow, so gotta go.

- And relax.

- You need to relax.

Nando, let me
ask you something.

Do you like it better here
or at the old house?

- More kids shoot each other
in the old neighborhood,

but more kids here
commit suicide,

so it kind of evens out.

- Yeah.

You know, at the old house,
I'd walk a block

and I'd have my choice
of 20 taco trucks.

Here, I walk a block
and I'm still on the property.

- Hey, wait.
That Hancock kid?

- Yeah?
- He got a name?

- Uh, Theo.

- Theo.

- T-H-E-O.

- Damn.
- What are you doing?

- Forget about it.
- That's not your phone.

- Theo.
- That's not your phone.

- Stretch your back
all the way.

- And when my husband died,

I decided to sell
my Canadian horses.

- Don't you mean
Arabian horses?

- Yes.

But I had to ship them
through Canada

to save taxes.

- But Canada has higher taxes.

- Well, yes.

But the horses
didn't know that.

I like that you can
make distinctions

that may appear unclear
in the minds of others.

A wine like this

requires...

Foreplay.

Oh!
Bloody hell, son!

Watch what you're doing!

Accident.

Totally my fault.

Accidents will happen.

- Salud.
- Salud.

- What's going on now?

- Oh, they're dancing.

He's got his hand
around Mom's waist.

- And sliding south.

- How far south?

- Um...Key West.

- Key West.

Svetlana, you're probably
trying to figure out

why my wife's having dinner
with another man

while I'm pretending
to be a waiter, huh?

- Horace liked to watch me
with other men too.

- In every relationship,

there's one master
and one slave.

And when you're in love,
you alternate that role.

Might I make a suggestion

as how we work off our meal,
my love?

- Madame is tired.

- But the night is young.

- Well, she's not.

- You have to forgive Gustavo.

Sometimes he just
forgets himself.

He has been for so many years
with the family.

- 25 years.

Just celebrated my anniversary.

- You're gonna blow our cover.

- Well, it's a lot better
than you blowing--

- I'm sorry
you had to see this.

I don't subscribe normally
to corporal punishment,

except under
extreme circumstances.

Thank you
for such an unusual evening.

Good night, Troy.

- Come on, Troy.

- 25 years?
You must have seen it all.

- I've seen it.
I've smelled it.

- Pick up the pace, gentlemen.

We're just hiding pimples.

Who am I talking to?

They don't understand English.

Vacate my property
this instant.

- Your property?

I own this.

- Leave, or I will call
the police right now.

- Ha.

The cops are the last people
you'll call.

You're three months late
on your rent.

- Come on, Jackie.

Why don't we just go inside
and talk?

Yeah?
- Hmm.

Jackie.

- Watch out for the--
the dog shit.

Yeah.

- Russ Huard.

- Yeah.

When it was
properly landscaped,

it was a gem
of the neighborhood,

let me tell you,
but now they just kinda use it

as a dump, I guess.

- Wait, okay, so you said
on the phone

that this place has been
on the market

for, like, six to eight months?

- Yes, sir.

You know, you don't really fit
the demographic

for this zip code.

You plan to flip it?

- No, I need to show this
to my business partner.

- Whatever you need.

- You must be Gustavo.

- Marina.
- Oh, mushrooms.

I wonder what's under.

- Did you know that one fungus
can cover 40 acres underground

and live to be 100 years old?

- And unless you root them out,

they can be deadly.

- She gold digger.

Devil woman.

- Excuse me?

- Witch.
- Svetlana.

How dare you talk to my friend
like that?

- Oh, honey, don't worry.

Maybe--she must be confusing me
with someone else.

- Thief steal Horace.

- I'm sorry.

I'm not used to being insulted
by the help.

- Svetlana,
apologize right now,

or you turn in your uniform.

- Darling, let's just go.

You know, I'd really like
to take a look

at the Hermès fall collection.

- What about dinner?

- Mom's really rolling.

- You know, your mom used to do
so much with so little.

Now she does so little
with so much.

- Hey, Pops.

Hey, Pops.

Found out Tiffany's mom
was Hancock's lawyer.

She handled his last divorce.

- Yeah, well, I might be
calling her soon.

- Apparently, Horace
was a rich, horny old toad

who seduced women
by putting them in his will.

- Did she say anything else?

- She said, "Shut up and put
your tongue to better use."

- That would be so funny
if you weren't my son.

- You know, I invited Esperanza

to pick through
my ex-husband's closet.

Saved me a Christmas bonus
this year.

- Mm.

- Lupe, what qualities
do you think make a good maid?

- I'm not sure that I'm
the right person to ask that.

- Hmm?
And why is that?

- Tell them the truth, darling.

- Because I once was one.

- A maid?
You?

- Sí, señoras.

- Yes, ladies.

Lupe was a maid.

- Really?

- In a foreign film
her husband produced.

- So bad.

Ah, you got me.

Oh, I am due back at the firm.

Send me those names
of the scholarship students

and I'll prepare the checks.

Ciao, chicas.
Mwah.

- Well, ladies, I know
that we'd usually wait a while

for a new member to fit in,

but I'd like to make
an exception.

Lupe Alvarez to host our
annual scholarship luncheon

at her home.

- No.
I can't do that.

- Darling, you must.

- I think it's a great idea.

- Right?
- Absolutely.

- What about you, ladies?
- Oh, yes.

Lupe should do it.
- I think she should do it.

- Yeah.
- It's a great idea.

- Great.
Cheers to that, then.

- Salud.

- Salud, darling.
- Salud, querida.

- I want every dollar you have.
- Hmm.

Cubic zirconium.
Imitation.

Fake.
- Are you positive?

- I'm more positive
than Magic Johnson.

- You got anything real?

- I got this.

- Hmm.
All right, let's see the pair.

- That's the only one I have.

- What kind of person
buys only one earring?

- Burn victims.
- Van Gogh.

- Holyfield
after the Tyson fight.

Classic Marilyn.

- Tits only.

- Nothing below the belt.

No va-jay-jay,
no pa-pay-pay.

- We're a porn shop,
not a porn shop.

- Pawnshop.
- Porn.

- Pawn.
- Porn.

- Pawnshop.
- Porn.

- Pawnshop. Pawn.
- Porn. Porn.

- It's--open your mouth. Pawn.
- Porn.

Porn.
- Pawn. Move your lips.

- Porn.
- Pawn. Pawnshop.

- Porn.
- Pawn sh--

- Porn.
- Pawnshop.

- Porn. Porn. Porn.
- Hey.

I'm taking this to eBay.

I don't need you thieves.

- What kind of scam
you got going here?

- Not like you have receipts
for any of this.

- Gustavo!

- Oh, hey.

- Uh, scuse me.

- Ooh!
Yes?

- I was wondering if you sell
any small crucifixes.

- Only got big ones.

- Yeah.
More Jesus for your buck.

- What a shame.

'Cause it just happened
that my maid stole

this tiny, rare crucifix
from me.

She must have thought
it was just worth a few bucks.

Little she knows
it's worth millions.

- Ah.

Anyway, lucky the person
who ended up with it, right?

- Thanks.

- Thank you.

Get Gustavo's address.
- You get it.

- Svetlana?

Where is my diamond necklace?

- Svetlana no touch.

- "Svetlana no touch"?

I know every single
little secret.

Stealing what you don't think
we'll miss, Svetlana?

- Lupe.

Why are you doing this?

Why are you treating
the housekeeper

worse than you were treated?

You forgot?

- Are you having sex
with our housekeeper, Gustavo?

- I'm not even having sex
with my wife.

- Did you pawn
my diamond necklace?

- Yes, and I would pawn
Troy too if I could.

- And my silverware?

- Your silverware?
Uh, yeah.

That went last week when we had
to pay the electricity bill,

and we're still short.

- Well, go and get it back.

I am not going to have
my guests eat

with plastic utensils.

- Guests?

Are you out of your tostada?

You're inviting people here?

- To keep up appearances.

To let them know
that we arrived.

- Arrived?
Arrived?

Where do you come up
with these words, "arrived"?

We're Latino!
We don't arrive.

We're on our way at best.

- The man I married was
never afraid of anything,

and look at you now.

You're terrified, scared,

for a ladies' luncheon?

Oh, my God, Gustavo.

- Being wealthy is more
than just having money.

Being wealthy is about
having choices.

Because if it's about steak
or bologna,

if it's about a Rolls-Royce
or a Ferrari,

if it's about having
a beautiful trophy wife

or the old lady,

then those are choices
we don't know how to make,

because apparently, you and I
were probably never in love.

We just didn't have
any choice, huh?

- Money doesn't change you.

It just reveals who you are.

- Well, then you shrunk.

No, no, no!
Not that, not that.

We need this.
We need this.

Or that--no!

What'd you do that for?

No, no, no, no.
No ten loca.

I'm telling you.
Ten loca.

Lupe!
Lupe!

Lupe, it's David!
Lupe!

What?

You're crazy!

No, Lupe.
Not that.

Lupe, I'm telling you,
not that.

Don't cross this line!

Lupe, I'm telling you once,

you do that and you're gonna go
straight to hell.

- Lupe.
- Oh, what's that?

- That is your ticket to hell.

That is Mrs. Hancock's ashes,

all over the floor,
all over your nightgown,

and all over my face.

That is Mrs. Hancock.
- Ah!

- You better go on your knees
to the nearest church

and beg for forgiveness.

We've got nothing else to sell!

- If we are that broke,

why don't you go and work
for a living?

- Well, maybe I will.

I happen to be
the best gardener ever!

I talk to the snails.
I squawk with the animals.

I squeak and I talk.

- Well, then go.

- I am.
- Good.

- For the last time,
come on out

with your hands
above your head.

- Officer.
- Freeze.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I was just getting my ID.

- Slowly.

- Here you go, sir.

- Do I know you?

- I got a common-looking face.

- Hmm.

We get a lot of porch pirates
around here.

I think this indigent
is staking out your house.

- Oh, no, I can vouch
for this man.

- There's no
overnight parking here.

Move your vehicle.

- Thank you.

- Thanks.

You didn't have to do that,
Mr. Alvarez.

- Why don't you move your tub
over here to the--

my--your--you know,
to the driveway.

- Uh, you know,

my battery's not really working
that well right now.

- Well, come on.
I'll help you push.

- Thanks.

- All right, Horace.

You drive.

- Coño, man.

Tell me that's not Aurora
in a Tesla.

- Russ, where are you
taking me?

- I want your opinion
on a piece of property

that's a little bit outside
of our normal sales parameters.

- Gustavo Alvarez.

If your garden is a mess...
- Ah, Alvarez!

- I will clean it for less.
- Honduran crew, you're fired.

This guy works half as cheap.
Rápido.

- Vamos!
I got him, boss!

I got him, boss.

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, it's me!
Stop the truck!

- Huh?

You hear something?

- Hey, hey!

Hey, stop the truck!

- Gus is in trouble!

Help!
- Stop, Flaco!

Let's go.

Come get some! Come on!

- Why are they chasing you?

- I stole their jobs.
I'm broke.

- Always got work
with us, jefe.

- Appreciate that.

- Oh, are you living
on the streets?

- No.
I gotta come clean with you.

I live in a chateau.

I got a pool, sauna,

gardeners, maids, the works.

- Yeah, yeah, must be great.

- No, it's hell.

- Oh, you're a chateau vato.
- Yeah.

- Hey, he's a chateau vato.

- I am.

- Hey.

You guys know how to get
to 911 Bizmark Drive?

- Yeah, it's a left
past the mansion.

- Every house in
the neighborhood is a mansion!

You dumbass gardeners!

- Jefe.
Why you hiding?

- I know why they're looking
for me.

They wanna steal the rest
of my stuff at the mansion.

At the chateau.

- Gus has been in the sun
way too long.

- Look at the smiles
on the faces

of the children
in our neighborhood

when you see what we have
provided for them.

These are the lucky
disadvantaged teenagers.

- Lucky to be disadvantaged?

- Oxymoronic, baby.

- Lupe!

- Thank you
for your generosity.

- Oh, lovely party, ladies.
Hi.

- The three local pupils
will receive...

- Oh, hi.
Come on, Lupe. Lupe.

Hi, ladies.
- Full college scholarships...

- Let's go.

- Courtesy of the ladies' club.

- Ay, Gustavo.

- I found out
Marina's as phony as us.

She didn't bump into you
at the supermarket by accident.

No. She's been stalking us.

She's trying to discover
what happened to Hancock.

See, the money willed to her
doesn't come into effect

unless she gets a body.

- So she killed him?

Is that what you think?
- Well...

- Gustavo.

- Is everything okay, dear?

- Ah.
Speaking of the devil.

Marina, tell my wife the truth

about what happened to Hancock.

- I think you would be able
to answer that better than I.

- You're not going to ruin
my party.

- No, she's not.

And you should leave.

- I was talking
about you, Gustavo.

- Well, I believe
these are yours.

- I have a question.

What would you do
when you just want

to prop up your feet
on someone that you love?

- You get a pedicure.

Yeah, Mukai!

Gustavo!
Ha-ha!

We have come, Gustavo!

Look, Mukai!

They're throwing a party
in our honor!

Whoo!

- The third and final
scholarship winner

is Orlando Carpiamente Jr.

- Okay, enough.

I would like to propose
a toast, everyone,

to our hostess, Lupe Alvarez.

Ha!

- Freeze!

- Stand and deliver, señoras!

We're here!

- Get the police!

- Shake your asses.

Shake 'em!
Ah!

If you got a chopper,
get to the chopper!

- 911 Bizmark Drive!
It's an emergency!

- Yo, this crocodile purse is
worth more than what's in it.

- Focus!

We're trying to find
a million-dollar crucifix.

- Whatever.

Oh, you look like
Gustavo's wife.

- Which of these bitches
is Gus' wife?

You? Huh? Huh?

You got a crucifix in there?
Huh? Huh?

Come on, lady.

Show me your titties!

- You Gus' wife?
Huh?

- Are you Gus' wife?
Come on.

- Are you Gus' wife?

- Crucifix!

- A crucifix!
Over here!

- Hey, no, no, no.
- Give it to me.

- No! No!
- Open. Open.

- Ow! No!

- Open your hand!
- Mio!

- Come on.
- Stop it!

- Want some?

You want some?

- Gustavo!

- Come on!
Let's get out of here!

Back off.

Huh?

How much you want it?

Hmm?

Ah!

Ah!

- Thank God you're a cop,
'cause you're a lousy gardener.

- This is the 1%.

They don't leave nothing
to chance.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Anything you do say
will be used against you.

- No one's that lucky.

- I see you got this
under control.

We've been tracking this one
for a long time

for selling fake ID.

Take them both outta here.

- I almost got away with it.

- Come on. We're going in.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Stick around, Officer.

You're not done
arresting people here.

- This better be good.

- Well, let's say the family

who claims to own this house

does not possess the deed
to the property.

They're squatters,
tramps,

and, worse, killers.

Horace Hancock is buried
right over there.

- Let's go.

- Come on.
Let's go.

Come on.

- I don't get it.

Why are we here?

- Tell me about the house.

Russ, I'm all
for gentrification,

but isn't this slumming?

- This one has
a fascinating history, though.

- Why are you doing this?

- Aurora, I need you
to be honest with me.

- It's tiny...

But exquisite.

I never really saw it
before today.

- Buy it back.

It's the money you've earned,
plus an advance.

- It's a fine mess
you got us into, huh?

- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing here?

Wanna know the truth?

You're no better off
than your cousins

in my old backyard.

Off you go.

- This is a bunch of crap!

We've been here
for three hours already.

Mr. Alvarez
is the only decent person

in this godforsaken
neighborhood.

Theo out.

- Horace die,
Svetlana get house.

Have in writing.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

A will is a revocable document,
and Horace Hancock revised his.

He left his property to me
right before he was poisoned

and buried by this monster.

- Without a body
or a death certificate,

possession is 99% of the law.

- What?

- Plus, this is not
a matter for police.

It's one for lawyers.

Sir, I apologize
for the inconvenience.

- This is a travesty!

- I'm done here.

- Wait! He's buried there!
I know it!

Where are you going?

- She's crazy.

- Give me that.

- She's not.

He's here!
I know he's here.

- It is beautiful.

But where you live should not
determine who you are.

What if we need all of this
to be happy?

And now we--

we're willing to say
and to do anything

and let our kids lie
to keep something

that we never needed
in the first place.

- Our love is our wealth.

- They say to be rich
is about having choices.

I need you to help me
make the right one now.

- Officer Jackson!

Horace Hancock
never sold me this house...

Or this watch
or this shirt.

We moved in illegally
right after I buried him,

and I'm the sole person
responsible for it.

- Help!

Found him!

I found him!

I found him!

I knew it!

I knew he was here!

- Did we give away
the scholarships?

- What are you laughing at?

Want him so bad?
Get in there!

You want him so bad?
Get in here with him!

- Hey, I've been looking
for you.

You are so much better

than the crew
that replaced you, Hector.

- Oh, actually,
my name is Gustavo.

And I think it's a name
you're gonna remember.

- Get in here with him!

Hey.
You.

As the attorney
to the deceased,

please tell these idiots
that my will determines

that I'm the only
legal beneficiary

of this property!

- You are correct.

You have
the most recently dated will.

- Thank you.

- Except for this one.
- What?

- It was notarized
one day after yours.

- Wait, let me see that.

- It supersedes all other wills
and is now binding.

- Let me see that.

- As per his wishes,

Horace Hancock left the house,

all the cars,
and, mm, everything

to Rico.

- Rico?
- Rico?

- Rico?
- Who the hell is Rico?

- Looks bad.
- What?

- Only comes in one color?

- I'm not talking
about his outfit.

I'm talking about Gus' case.

- The autopsy showed
7,000 milligrams

of that blue...the dick pills

in Hancock's bloodstream.

- Hancock was already wood
when you found him.

- Pretty much.

And they found
my fingerprints

all over
the prescription bottle.

Well, you see,
when Lupe and I got there,

well, you know, we'd never been
in a house like that,

and one thing led
to another and--

- Lucky they didn't put her
in prison.

- She got ten years.
both: Doing what?

- Hmm.

Gardeners always have a way
of tracking dirt in the house.

Keep scrubbing until you can
see your reflection.

- You don't own this place yet.

Well, unless Mr. Rico shows up,
I do indeed.

Mine was the last will
in effect.

Aww, Lupe.

You went from a housekeeper

to a house-loser.

- Mrs. Alvarez.

- Theo.

- How's your husband?

- You know.

We thought you were
gone already.

- You know, I never leave town
without my lucky hat.

And I remember
I last wore it here.

- Nando.

Nando.

He's coming.

- Rico!

- Theo.

- Thank you.

Hey, Rico.

- Rico?
- You wanna play?

- Why'd you call him that?

- What, Rico?

You guys renamed him Horace.

My dad and I named him Rico.

- Rico. Rico.
R-I-C-O.

- He's definitely going
to miss you.

- Rico.
Mom, I'm in.

- What?

- Oh.

Gustavo.

- Lupe.

Lupe, mira.

If you want a divorce,
I understand.

You know, I don't know
how long I'm gonna be here.

- I came to bust someone
out of jail.

- How you gonna do that?

- We have new evidence.

- What is that?

- Press play.

- Is that...

Oh, my God!

That woman's got skills.

He looks like
a horny Colonel Sanders.

You dirty, dirty girl.

But, you know,
two people having sex,

it's not against the law.

- Mm, just watch.

- He was drugged.
It was in the champagne!

- Uh-huh.

- Is this admissible?

- It sure is.
100%.

- You're free, mi amor.

- You're a free man, Hector.

- No, not Hector.
Gustavo.

- Oh, man.

All you need is love.

- After probate officially
awards me with this property,

I want you to feel
right at home,

since I already feel
what's yours is mine.

- More champagne, my love?

- Sure, darling.

- Marina de la Torre?

We have a warrant
for your arrest.

Let's go.

- Eh!

Get ready for a long trial.

- Oh, well.

I have enough outfits
to last a year, so...

My shoes.

- Grab those.

- Well, hello.

Troy Hudson.

Champagne?

- Stay. Stay. Sit.

- How do you like
the new house, Nando?

- Well, I can live
without the swimming pool,

the 24 bedrooms,
the naked angels,

but the big-screen TV
over the toilet,

that's tough to live without.

Hey, Rico.

Horace. Rico!

Hey, where are you going?

- Nando, don't confuse the dog.

- I can't say that moving
into my family's house

was the right thing,

but if you didn't,

I would've never known
what happened to my father.

Now, I'm leaving in the morning
for Burundi.

Would you be interested
in housesitting the chateau

for a few years?

- But don't we have to get
Rico's permission?

- No.

Animals are property.

And since one piece of property
can't own another piece,

the inheritance goes
to the closest relative.

- Pops.
Pops, you're back.

- Yes, I am.

Ah, mi'jo.
- How was the joint?

- Papi!

- Aww.

- I missed you.

- Mr. Alvarez,
you have a lovely family.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- Remember,
mi casa es su casa.

- You mean
mi casa es tu casa.

- Well, either way.

- We're living large, ese!

- Hoo-ah!

Nothing like warm water
on my huevos.

- In this neighborhood,
we call them jewels.

- Some people are so poor,
all they have is money.