All language subtitles for murphy_brown_s08e04_murphys_law

Thank you.

to testify against me in exchange for
immunity.

There you are.

You were supposed to be back in the
Pentagon hours ago. What happened?

What happened? I'll tell you what
happened. Murphy got us involved in a

chase. That's what happened. It wasn't a
police chase. Sirens were blaring.

Lights were flashing. The motorcycle cop
who was driving beside us was doing

this for half a mile. Oh, yeah, it was a
police chase.

It was just a ticket.

Oh, Murphy. Hey.

This one I definitely did not deserve,
and I intend to fight it, as I patiently

explained to Officer Dimwit that no
right turn sign was totally ambiguous,

you'd have to be a goose -stepping,
donut -munching moron not to realize it.

But you think he wrote you up anyway.

It was really very simple. You know the
corner first in Magnolia?

Okay. So let's say Frank's pen is my
car, and Jim, your mug is a bar hand.

now.

I was coming this way in this lane, but
there was already somebody in that lane,

so I went around to this other lane.
Now, even though the sign said you

turn from that lane, technically I
wasn't in that lane, but I was in the

lane, which wasn't the lane you couldn't
turn from, unless, of course, you were

turning from that lane to begin with.
You see, it's very simple.

Save your breath, Murph. Look, you're a
celebrity. All you have to do is make

one phone call, that ticket goes bye
-bye.

Oh, no. I'm going to beat this ticket
because I'm right. My being a celebrity

doesn't have anything to do with it.
Murphy, being a celebrity always has...

had something to do with it. Remember
the night Planet Hollywood opened, how

crowded it was?

All I had to do was show my face, and I
got right in.

Sure, it felt bad, but it was snowing,
and there was this huge line that must

have been five blocks long. Can you
imagine?

It was 11 blocks, and yes, I can.

And you know that really popular
restaurant, Cafe Milano?

Last night, I called them at 7, told
them who I was. My tie was hanging in

there, Zesty Pudinesco sauce by 8.

I tried to take my Nana Silverberg to
Cafe Milano for her 80th birthday.

They laughed, said I should have made
reservations further in advance.

Now all my Nana has to do is live to
112.

I must confess that I, too, have used my
fame on occasion. Just the other day, a

starry -eyed checkout clerk recognized
me, and I wound up with three cans of

albacore tuna at last week's sale price.

I told Doris I paid full price, of
course, and pocketed the cash.

I once tried to use a coupon that was
two days past its expiration date. The

boy chased me out of the store and broke
my egg.

Look, I admit celebrities occasionally
get preferential free, but I myself have

taken advantage of that once or twice.
Once or twice?

You're the only person I've ever met who
can say, do you know who I am in 17

different languages.

Whatever. The point is, I'm right, the
judge is going to see that, and my being

a celebrity is irrelevant and
immaterial.

Ooh, I think I really have a knack for
this legal stuff.

Hello, Kathy Milano?

I'd like to make a reservation for next
week.

The name is Pitt.

Brad Pitt.

Still don't see why you need me for
this.

Miles, you're my witness. You just have
to tell the judge exactly everything you

saw. What I saw?

I saw my whole life pass before my eyes.

And that includes the time in the third
grade when I took my pet hamster Squeaky

in for show and tell and he was eaten by
the school snake.

For the next six hours, I had to watch
the lump that was my best friend work

way down to the table.

Will you relax?

I probably won't even have to call on
you. Look, I had the art department make

up this diagram.

Neat, huh? There's the intersection.
There we are. And look, if you look

closely, you can practically see your
little tiny fingernail holding onto the

dashboard.

Guilty. $50 fine.

Pay the bailer.

The next case is... Is this right?

Murphy Brown?

Right here, Your Honor.

Watch and learn.

Well, well.

It really is you.

Murphy Brown.

In my courtroom.

Just wait till I tell that old windbag,
Judge Carter, down in Division 3. He

thinks he's so great because he had
Marion Barry.

Thank you, Your Honor, but I... You
know, the... wife and I watch you all

time. She just loves to see you nail all
those corrupt politicians, and I like

to count how many faces I recognize from
law school.

Well, now then, it says here that you're
accused of making an illegal turn in a

posted intersection.

Now, how do you wish to plead?

One hundred percent not guilty, Your
Honor.

So, you're saying you didn't make this
illegal turn, is that correct?

No, actually, I did make the turn. What
I'm saying is it wasn't illegal.

Do you know the corner at first in
Magnolia?

Well, you see, I was in the left lane
turning into the right lane. And even

though the sign says you couldn't turn
from that lane, technically, I wasn't in

that lane. I was in the other lane,
which wasn't the lane you couldn't turn

right from. Unless, of course, you
started in that lane to begin with,

wasn't in. I have a little chart. That
won't be necessary, Miss Brown. I think

understand well enough.

I knew you would, Your Honor.

Guilty.

Well, you did say you made the turn. But
given the circumstances, I'll suspend

your sentence.

See the bailiff on your way out? Wait a
minute. Did you say guilty? Because I am

definitely not guilty.

You see, you didn't get a chance to look
at my little chart because if you had,

you would realize... Miss Brown, maybe
you didn't understand.

I'm letting you off without a fine.

Some people think that's a good thing.

You know what? I have a witness, Miles
Silverberg. He saw everything and he's

very reliable. He went to Harvard back
when that meant something.

Miles, get up here. Okay. Sit down, Mr.
Silverberg. Okay.

Miss Brown, I don't know why we're still
talking about this. I found you guilty

with a suspended sentence.

But couldn't I be not guilty with a
suspended sentence?

Miss Brown, would you approach the
bench, please?

Look, I'm trying to help you out here.

Believe me, if it was anybody but you, I
wouldn't be going so easy on you. I

don't want you to go easy on me. I just
want a fair and just decision. And since

I was there and you weren't... Miss
Brown, the case is closed. Murphy, he

the case. I think we should go now. Oh,
no, oh, no, oh, no. I see what this is

about. You think that just because I'm
famous, I don't care about things like

truth and justice and...

Yes, the American way. Well, let me tell
you something, Judge. You can take your

favors and your special treatment.

Miss Brown, this is starting to sound
like contempt.

Oh, she sounds that way with everyone.
It's filthy personal, sir. Let's go.

Oh, no, oh, no. I'm not going anywhere
until Judge, ooh, I'm so important, I'm

in traffic court here, starts dispensing
justice and changes his ruling.

All right, you want me to change my
ruling? I'll change my ruling. Finally.

Guilty. Contempt.

No suspended sentence, $500 fine, and 20
hours of community service.

No, you misunderstand.

I need to change the ruling the other
way.

Okay.

Forty hours of community service.

Would you care to go for fifty? No, she
wouldn't.

You can't do that. He can't do that. Can
he do that? He can do that.

Let me tell you something, pal. You can
kiss your dreams of small claims court

goodbye.

Murphy Brown!

It's Murphy Brown!

Oh, this is so exciting. I think it's
just wonderful that a big celebrity like

you would volunteer at our little senior
center.

Oh, well, it's nothing, really. I mean,
what kind of world would this be if we

didn't give a little something back to
our community once in a while?

I heard she had a run -in with the law.

Kill the man in the sleep, the poor
bastard.

It was a traffic ticket, okay? It was a
ticket, and one which I did not deserve.

You know the corner first in Magnolia?

I am in this lane, turning in... Now,
now, people. I'm sure Ms. Brown didn't

come here to be pestered with our
questions.

Hi, I'm Marlene Howard, volunteer
coordinator.

Hi, Murphy Brown.

I know!

I couldn't believe it when I heard you
were going to be volunteering with us.

Volunteering? Shit!

Actually, I'm not exactly volunteering.
Oh, I know. I heard all about your legal

problems. But trust me, not all
celebrities would be as responsible as

least you bothered to show up, which,
from what I hear, is more than can be

for a certain smart -mouthed former
member of the Partridge family.

Anyway, there's no reason why this has
to be a difficult time for you. Why

we just sit you in front of the TV and
put you in charge of channel changing?

Really? Is that a job around here?

Well, not usually, but you are Murphy
Brown.

Well, let me stop you right there, Miss
Howard. I mean, just because I'm a

celebrity doesn't mean I deserve special
treatment. I would just like you to

treat me like everybody else, being
unreasonably persecuted by a vicious and

ignorant judicial system.

That sounds awful.

Well, yeah, what can I say? Whatever
doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

Ooh, modeling clay.

Yes, we have quite a few accomplished
artists here.

You know, I used to be pretty good at
this stuff myself.

I spent six months working on that for
my grandson.

Oh, I'm sorry. Look, maybe I can just...

There, that fixed it.

So, what's next?

I was just about to lead our sing
-along. I don't suppose you'd be

Oh, I'm not one to brag, but I have been
told I have a pretty decent singing

voice.

Really? All right.

Attention, everyone.

Our new helper, Murphy Brown, is going
to lead our sing -along today.

Murphy.

All right. What, you have a question?

How long does it take to kill a man with
your bare hands?

Want to find out?

Okay, everybody gather around.

Now, our song for today is...

Bicycle built for two.

Gee,

can't get enough of that one.

You know, I think we need something
livelier, something more upbeat,

from the century.

The beach, Pocahontas.

This one is my son's favorite. It's a
tape of Phil Graham explaining how he's

going to balance the budget.

Avery just loves fairy tales.

You all know respect, don't you? I know
we don't get any from our kids, am I

right?

Why? Okay,

I tell you what. Why don't I sing the
words, and when I point to you, you do

ooh, like this.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

All right, that's close enough. All
right, everybody ready?

Okay.

is just great, Murphy, but I advise
against getting the seniors too excited.

See, we still haven't fully recovered
from our mall -walking competition

the Arlington Home for the Aging.

Anything I can do to help. What's next?

Well, I was just about to go over the
list with our volunteers.

Let's see.

It's almost exercise time. Someone needs
to set up the shuffleboard.

Oh, I'll do that. Oh, no, that's okay.
I'll do that. And somebody like you

shouldn't have to lug around all that
heavy equipment.

And then after exercise, it'll be time
to eat. Who wants to serve lunch today?

can do that. Oh, don't be silly. We'll
do it.

Sometimes they get a little opinionated
about the food, and they like to make

their feelings known.

It's pudding day.

Look, I know everyone's trying to make
things easier for me because I'm a

celebrity, but really, I don't need it.
I just want to be treated like everybody

else. So I'll just do whatever's next on
the list.

Well, that would be the whirlpool bath.

What is that, some sort of lifeguard
duty, handing out towels sort of thing?

Actually, it's more of an upkeep thing.

You sure you want to do it? Yeah.

Okay, then, let's see.

You'll need this brush and these gloves.

Oh, and you'll need this.

We call it the hair stick.

Because we get a lot of hair in the
drain.

Which is strange, because to look at
them, they don't seem to have that much

it.

Is that, um, channel -changing thing
still available?

There she is, our little angel of grace.

Okay, that's enough of that.

Murphy, I am so proud of you. You
finally got to experience the true joy

giving freely of yourself, even if it
did take a court order to get you to do

it.

So, come on, Murph. Tell us about this
community service. What kind of stuff

they have you doing?

What kind of stuff?

Um, well, I guess you could say I was
sort of the program director.

Well, well, well.

Look who's back.

Our little Mother Teresa in training.

Yes, if you don't mind, I'd really like
to put all this community service stuff

behind me now. Unless you've done it
yourself, you really have no idea what

like. Oh, I think I do. A very good
idea. Join me in your office, won't you?

Come.

Come.

came out a few hours ago.

It's already been picked up by every
major wire server.

Well -known FYI anchor, Murphy Brown,
sentenced recently to community service

a local senior center for a criminal
violation, reportedly demanded and

preferential treatment.

I don't believe this.

Sources at the senior center say he was
given only token work assignments and

failed to perform even those minimal
duties.

Hey. All I'm saying is, is I didn't see
her do much actual work. You know what

I'm saying?

Who was that guy? Who the hell was he? I
never saw him there.

All she had to do was, like, sit on the
couch and work the channel changer on

the TV. And I don't even think she did
that much.

Because, I mean, I walked by her a bunch
of times, and, well, for a bony lady,

she got a really wicked snort.

Turn that thing off.

It's big, Murphy, and getting bigger.

The Post called asking for a statement.

Nightline wants you on a panel with Dana
Plato and Hugh Grant.

And word is, Letterman already had seven
of a top ten list about you.

And they're all funny.

Well, this really stinks.

First, I don't give in to my celebrity
status, and I get screwed, and then I

give in to it, and I still get screwed.
Well, the bottom line is, I did my time.

All 40 hours of it. And if you don't
believe me, smell my hair.

Bengay, it gets into everything.

Come on, Murph. Now, anyone can see that
that story was blown way out of

proportion. I'm sure what you did was
much tougher than he made it sound.

So, do you want me to get you some ice
for your clicking fingers?

Maybe you can come by the house this
evening and help Doris and me use our

electric garage door opener.

I'm glad you're all enjoying this.

Unfortunately, a certain judge didn't
find it quite so amusing.

He wants you back in his courtroom as
soon as possible to answer what he calls

these serious charges.

You've got to be kidding.

And to think, you could have gotten off
with just as it's been at the Senate.

Really, Murph, you keep this up, you
could wind up getting the chair.

If only.

But the network doesn't want this to
turn into a bigger publicity problem

it already has, so they've assigned you
legal counsel.

Don't worry, Miles. That won't be
necessary. I've learned my lesson.

My brilliant argument, that stupid
little chart. Oh, no. This time I'm

do things very differently. Glad to hear
it. I need photographs and maybe some

kind of overhead projector and a
pointer.

Yeah, I need a pointer. Murphy, no
photographs, no projector, no nothing.

You are just going to sit there quietly
and let your legal counsel handle

everything. Understood?

Yes.

But I still get to use the pointer,
right? No!

But doesn't that sort of defeat the
whole purpose of the overhead projector?

had a deal. No talking. No talking means
no talking. It also means no shouting,

no swearing, and no spitting at Deborah
Norville on the way into the courtroom.

I had gum. The gum had to go somewhere.

Ah, Miss Brown, welcome. On behalf of
your whole legal team, I just want to

what a pleasure it is to represent you
here today.

Team? I have a team?

The best your network's money can buy.

Anyway, we're going to get started soon,
Miss Brown, and we're right through

here.

Hi, Miss Brown.

Now, I'm sure that this can't be easy
for you.

And we all know how stressful these
things can be, especially with all this

media attention.

And believe me, we're as annoyed by all
of this as you. But we've got everything

under control, so I just want you to
take a seat, leave everything to us.

Look, I know you guys have this all
figured out, and I don't want to tell

how to do your job, but if this ever
gets back to my ticket, I have a chart

in my car.

We all agree, right? We open with the
First Amendment issue. She's a

Freedom of the press. Chilling effect on
the media. Blah, blah, blah.

There's a First Amendment issue? No, I
think we should get right to our attack.

We show that the guy who pulled her over
is nothing but a rogue cop on the tape.

By the time we get through with him, the
only tickets he'll be handing out will

be the super lotto at the 7 -Eleven.

Wait a minute. He was kind of a moron,
but isn't rogue cop a little insane? No,

no, no. I still say they're taking down
that kid, Jimmy, from the senior center.

That's our key. I mean, even if he
testifies that he saw Murphy slacking

got a dozen people that'll swear that
he's a car thief and a pot smoker.

And with him, of course, there's the
whole race issue. What race issue? He's

white.

Exactly.

Wait a minute here. I don't know about
all this. I mean, the truth is, maybe I

did slack off a little. Did you hear
anything?

Not me.

And all I'm saying is that I didn't
really offer... No, no, no, no, no, no,

no. All right.

Well, well, I see we have quite a full
house here today. I really wasn't

expecting this.

We've got a lot of ground to cover, so
let's get down to business, shall we?

Do you have an opening statement?

Yes, Your Honor. Thank you, thank you.

Your Honor, this case is about nothing
less than the vicious slander of a

national treasure, Murphy Brown.

This is a woman with an unparalleled
reputation.

It's a woman that Edward R. Murrow
called, and I quote, the quintessence of

journalistic integrity.

Edward R. Murrow? He died when I was in
high school.

Well, then he can't deny it, can he?

A woman who dozens of witnesses will
show, Your Honor, is merely the innocent

victim of a vast conspiracy to deal a
body blow to the First Amendment.

Conspiracy? Body blow?

I know.

He's good.

A woman who has come before you today,
Your Honor, to answer charges by

individuals who may appear on the
surface to be decent, law -abiding

but who we will prove are nothing but...

low -life drug addicts, and senile
Medicare scam artists.

Do you have something to say?

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, I do. What are you
doing?

Let's face it, Judge. We wouldn't be
here right now if I weren't a celebrity.

But the fact is, I am a celebrity, and
people treat me differently.

Sometimes it means I get to board an
airplane early or get great tickets to

theater. But it also means I can't walk
into a drugstore without people saying,

Oh, look, isn't that Murphy Brown buying
pantyhose with extra tummy control?

Hypothetically speaking.

There is a point to all this, isn't
there, Ms. Brown?

Yes, Your Honor. Yes, there is.

What do you say we forget about the
celebrity and the fancy lawyers and all

media attention and treat this as if it
were just any other case?

I am ready to accept justice, Your
Honor. Whatever your ruling, I will

it. Now, if memory serves me correctly,
we were talking about a suspended

sentence of consortium.

Now, I see.

So you're saying you want to be treated
just like anybody else in this

situation. Yes, Your Honor.

Yes, I am.

It's incredibly simple.

We're going to the corner at first in
Magnolia, right?

Okay, let's say my car is this potato
chip bag here, and my guy's car is this

shoe. And here, this guy is in front of
me.