All language subtitles for murphy_brown_s07e18_a_rats_tale

Mama told me that I'd better be metal
She said

future slugger, when I'm driving the
carpool and we get pulled over by the

police, I would appreciate it if you let
me talk to the officer.

Fine, fine. This is what I get for
trying to help. Murphy, you pushed your

up like this and snorted like a pig.

Did you see the way he yanked Jim out of
the car? I've never heard anybody

actually say kiss the hood and spread
them before.

I sure picked the wrong day to skip
breakfast. Ah, thank God for donuts.

Look at this.

Somebody took a bite out of this one.

Ew.

I drove all the way here just so I could
take a bite out of every donut, then

drove all the way home and waited for
carpool so no one would be the wiser.

Well, whoever did it must have been
really hungry. It looked like they

right through the box.

Well, you're right.

You don't suppose it could be a mouse,
do you?

You, man, honestly. Where I grew up,
there were lots of mice. Believe you me,

there's no way that was a mouse.

It's probably a rat.

So what's a rat? What's the big deal? So
what? So what?

Rats are filthy and disgusting, and they
carry disease.

And they can grow quite large.

The cousin of a friend of a friend of
Doris's was vacationing in Mexico and

found this adorable little stray dog on
the street. Well, they brought it home,

took it to a vet, and would you believe
it turned out to be a long -haired

Mexican rat?

Oh, come on, Jim. That's just an old
urban legend.

Oh, really?

Well, tell that to Doris's friend's
friend's cousin.

Oh, it's just a stupid rat. I think we
can take care of it. All I need is a

couple of traps, a little dab of peanut
butter, and whack, no more rats.

Now, don't we have a story meeting to
get started? Come on. Okay.

First off, I want to remind everyone
that McGovern is in Cleveland for the

few weeks doing a feature on the Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame.

And you should also know I've had our
office sealed so we won't have a repeat

that unpleasant squid incident.

Now, in a lighter...

The renovation is nearly complete on the
old ground floor studio downstairs.

We should be able to move into our new
FYI set with its window on America for

next week's show as scheduled.

Hey, now come on. We discussed this. The
network feels that the window, the

window on America, will open things up.
You know, show we're in touch with the

people on the street.

Miles, this is Washington, D .C. The
only people we're going to see on the

street are deposed Democrats squeegeeing
windshields for spare change.

Ah, delightful.

Tell me, what lovely vision will we be
treated to first? A drunken college

freshman pressing his naked buttocks
against the glass?

Or perhaps a visiting diplomat being
viciously mugged by some local street

I'm betting on the buttocks.

Not to worry. The network has spent $20
million renovating, of course. No

expense has been spared, including 8
-inch thick reinforced glass.

It's shatterproof, bulletproof, and yes,
buttock -proof.

is I found a great source for my story
on Medicare fraud, and by the time I get

finished blowing the lid off this thing,
nobody's going to be worrying about

pets or buttocks or stupid windows.
Window on America.

Hey, that slogan was shown to 15 focus
groups and came in right above have no

opinion, so you learn to love it.

All right, people, listen up.

I just came from a meeting with the
brass upstairs, and they've asked if we

could tighten our belts a bit.

Now, now, now, now.

It's just until we can make up for some
teensy little cost overruns with the new

set. Teensy? How teensy?

A few thousand or a million dollars.

They won't be sure until the project
accountant gets back from his trial in

Orange County.

Listen, the point is, the network is
still very excited about our window. Our

window on America.

And they feel that Murphy's Medicare
fraud story is just the piece to kick

the new set on tomorrow's show. I don't
believe this. There goes my Medicare

fraud story.

Oh? Yeah, I've got no source. I left his
phone number on my desk, and then look

at this. Half the numbers have been
chewed through.

Hey, I'll bet it was that rat.

And here I was trying to match the tooth
pattern to Leslie Stahl's over by G,

Frank, you think?

Get that number or we're dead.

Hey, tell it to the little rat. This was
my only copy. Oh, sure, he could have

chowed down on some nice tasty area
code, but no, we had to eat the last

digits. There's got to be 10 ,000
numbers this could be. It could take

Hey, Mark, I've got a little job for
you.

I don't get it, Murphy.

I thought this was just a stupid rat.

What about the trap?

And the peanut butter. And the thwack.

That works for an ordinary rat, but this
is no ordinary rat. No, sir.

He's a crafty rat. Yes, he is. But he's
about to go from being crafty to being

dead. I called building maintenance, and
they're sending their best man up to

take care of him. A man who will ensure
that that rat will... We're still

talking about the rat!

We can't talk about...

that thinking?

I'd be hitting, but I don't see
thinking.

Ah,

that would be me. I tried catching him
myself, but he ate all of the peanut

butter off the traps without springing
them. Pretty sneaky, huh? Oh, you tried

catching him yourself, did you?

That's asking for disaster, lady.

No, Mr. Dan Rather tried to catch a
mouse by himself, too.

Six weeks of painful rabies injections
in the belly. Convince him otherwise.

That is really very interesting, but we
have a lot of work to do here.

Oh, yeah, you go right ahead.

I'll take care of your rat.

Or Rattus Novigicus, as we maintenance
engineers like to call him.

Okay, what stories haven't we done
recently?

Maybe there's something in the area of
military cutbacks.

Oh, I'll be glued to my set for that
one.

What about religion?

Maybe something around school prayer.

Now why lay me down to snooze?

Listen, do you think maybe you could...
Holy moly! I think I found them all

alone. Look at this bag marked Murphy
Brown's Emergency Supplies.

Look. What do you got? Husky Boys, Ring
Dongs, Ding Wings.

This is your problem. It's a regular rat
7 -Eleven in here.

Hey, I can stop any time I want to.

As I was saying, something in the area
of religion might be a good place to

start. There's the pub squirrel, too.
What about something with that? Good,

good. But those interviews are always
hard to set up at the last moment.

Is there anything we could find? Hello.

Better take a look at this, my friends.

Let me guess. You found Murphy's
Secret's batch of cheese doodles. No,

Have a look.

Where? I don't see anything.

Right down there. Look closer.

I still don't see anything. What am I
looking at? Rat turds. Oh.

something, too.

Oh, you guys got yourself one healthy
rat here.

I'll tell you, if I had this rat's
regularity, I'd be a happy man, yes?

Uh -oh.

You're gonna want to take a look at
this. I doubt it.

I'm not talking rat turds.

Those tiny little footprints in the
sweet and low.

This rat has got six toes.

See, that's why I use the blue stuff.

Yeah, that's Bob, all right.

I beg your pardon?

Bob.

Well, you see, a long time ago, must be
30 years by now, I was looking for

another rat in this very building, a rat
that we called Bob on account of... Who

the hell remembers?

Anyway, Bob was a shrewd one. We threw
everything at him.

Gas, traps, sticky paper. How about a
little thick of dynamite dressed up as a

female rat?

I told you, we tried everything.

And one day I was eating my lunch,
looked up, and there was Bob doing his

business right in the middle of my
supervisor's desk.

What did you do?

Oh, I let him finish. I hate my
supervisor.

But then I picked up my thermos, took
careful aim, and chucked it right at

But unfortunately, due to a bum shoulder
I received...

courtesy of Mr. Ho Chi Minh and his gun
-toting cronies.

I missed.

Missed by a mile.

It's the last shot I ever had at old
Bob.

You know the weird thing about him?

He had six toes.

Whoa. Are you saying that this is the
same rat?

This rat is Bob?

You didn't know your rat's from your
hiney, do you, city boy?

Now, you see, your average domestic
brown rodent only lives about a year.

What you have here is probably one of
Bob's great -great -grandkids.

If that's the case, voy a con Dios, my
friends.

You're not even going to try to catch
him? I don't believe this.

Well, I'm not giving up. There's got to
be something I can do.

Well, why not?

You know, in my lifetime, I've seen men
tap dancing on the moon.

Seen the New York Mets win the World
Series.

Maybe you will catch old Bob.

And maybe I'll get a hot oil rubdown
from supermodel Christy Brinkley.

Well, what do you think?

Pretty great, huh?

Oh, yeah. This is really... You spent
how much on this?

It's just like the old set, but with a
big old stupid window.

You think I don't know that?

The worst part about looking out on our
window on America, America is out there

looking back.

See those people behind me?

They've been staring at me like that for
the last half hour. Oh, come on,

Michael. Don't you think you're just
being a little paranoid here?

No, really.

Watch this.

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

I can't hear you, Miles. The glass is
soundproof, remember?

This old set brings back memories.

Why, it was right here, three decades
ago, that I was scheduled to interview a

young man with a guitar who had an
undeniable singing ability.

A young man whose talent was destined to
change the course of American music.

How did that classic of his go again?

Hello, Mother.

Camp Granada. Let me get that song out
of my head.

He's driving me nuts. I got to work this
morning and found he'd eaten through

half my Rolodex. I don't know what to
do. I tried setting bigger traps.

I tried spraying the donuts.

You sprayed the donuts?

I thought they ticked it a little first.
Geez, Murph, why didn't you tell

anybody? Oh, sorry.

Hey, everybody, I sprayed poison on the
donuts.

Okay, Murphy, Father Kylie's here. Are
you ready to do your interview? Yes,

Miles. I even had research prepare some
notes for me. They're right here.

Oh, God.

What am I going to do now? Fifteen
seconds to air, people. You're just

have to wing it. Go.

Okay, people. Our window is open for
business, so put on some smiles and

your flies.

Sorry, Padre.

In five, four, three, two... Good
evening and welcome

to FYI.

For your information, we come to you
tonight from FYI's new home, Historic

Studio 6A.

Many of this network's broadcasting
giants have reported to you from this

location. But what makes this studio
really unique is its window.

A window we hope will allow us to listen
more closely to the heartbeat of the

nation. A window we call the window on
America.

Let's take a look, shall we?

I believe what the nation is saying at
this moment is, hi, mom.

To kick off this historic show, Frank
Fontana visits a high -tech prison.

Corky Sherwood uncovers mixed feelings
towards John Travolta from his fellow

sweathawks. Murphy Brown interviews best
-selling author and theologian, Father

Elwood Kiley. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim. Father Kiley, welcome.

Obviously, I've read your book, but for
those who haven't had the pleasure,

could you tell us how you happened to
write a book of moral tales called The

Book of Moral Tales?

Well, Murphy...

These are difficult times we're living
in. And frankly, I think people are lost

and they're looking for answers.

And that's why I put together this book.

You see, I wanted people to link us to
the ethical world of moral truths like

honesty and compassion that are right
there in front of them. And you see,

Uh -huh. Honesty and compassion.

Please continue, Father.

Anyway, I realized that people needed to
communicate those virtues to their

children, and so I put together the
book.

Murphy.

Well, yes, and a big book it is, too,
and heavy.

Father, you know what? I bet our viewers
would love it if you would read one of

those tales for them. Would you do that?

I'd be delighted.

Now, let me see.

Well.

Ah, this is one of my favorites.

It's called... Androcles and the Lion.

Once upon a... Damn.

Damn, that's wonderful stuff.

Thank you.

Once upon a time, there was a poor slave
named Androcles.

And on his way through the forest,
Androcles met up with a lion.

The lion had a thorn in his fall.

What the hell is she doing?

The two became great friends.

And later, when the slave again found
himself opposite the lion, the animal

spared his life.

And the moral of the story is, kindness
and compassion do not go unrewarded.

I've

got another

story, Father.

you see that did you see that i caught
him i really caught him did you see that

we saw it so did all of america what'd
you do with a murph do nothing yet i

thought you guys might want to see him
first well i thought of the old tried

true method a sock a brick and then a
quick drive out to the potomac but i

figured old bob here deserves better
anybody know the hungry boa constrictor

That was quite a performance by our
little huntress. Thank you, Miles. Want

see? I already saw.

The whole of America saw. The phones are
ringing off the hook. Our viewers are

very concerned about what's going to
happen to Bob.

Well, it's easy. I'm going to whack him.
Oh, no, you're not. This is turning

into a public relations nightmare, which
is why the network is insisting we be

able to show that we've treated Bob
ethically and humanely. Oh, all right.

can I whack him? No.

I have arranged for you to show a happy,
healthy Bob on next week's show, at

which time you will thoughtfully turn
him over to the leader of an animal

group. Is that clear?

Except for one thing. When do I get to
whack him?

No!

No whacking! In fact, until next week,
we've got to treat Bob here like a king.

Come on, Bob.

I don't believe this.

I mean, I'm all for animal rights, but
this is a rat we're talking about.

I mean, you guys want him whacked as
much as I do, right?

I guess. Oh, so what?

What? What happened to disease and long
-haired Mexican dogs and Earth's

boyfriend's face?

Well, that was before we, uh... You
know, before we knew the little guy's

Am I the only sane person here?

This isn't a cute little baby seal. This
isn't... A fuzzy little panda bear?

It's a rat. It's a vile, disgusting rat,
and let's face it, there's a reason the

World Wildlife Federation doesn't use
this as its symbol.

Phil, you know what I'm talking about,
right? You hate rats as much as I do.

Rats? Are you kidding?

I can't stand them.

Let me tell you, running this
restaurant, I've had to kill hundreds.

Maybe... Sorry,

kid.

I know what you're talking about.

It's a pretty ugly crowd out there,
Miles, and it's getting bigger.

I think the big rat guy started
breeding.

Not to worry, John. I think they'll
change their tune when they see how fat

happy Bob is. I've had him with me all
week, keeping his cage clean, feeding

the finest cheeses, brie, gorgonzola,
camembert. He really likes the

Isn't that right, Bob?

Come and get it.

Bob.

Bob.

Bob isn't moving, John. Why isn't Bob
moving?

Maybe he's sleeping. I read somewhere
that rats spend a lot of time sleeping.

But not usually with their feet up in
the air.

Don't go!

Bob's dead!

I should have gone with the no -fat y
'all bird! What do I do now? Start the

show! Places, people!

Oh, God!

So, we are alive, most of us.

In four,

three, two... Good evening, and welcome
to FYI.

For your information tonight, we begin
with a follow -up to last week's show.

Many of you have expressed concern for
the well -being of Bob, the rodent who

was humanely captured during that
telecast.

Here to follow up is our own Murphy
Brown. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim. And thank you for all
your many calls and letters. I just want

to give you my personal guarantee that
no harm has come to Bob whatsoever.

In fact, we at FYI have managed to
provide Bob with a happy new home by

him over to the Animal Rights
Federation.

Here representing the Federation is Dr.
Richard Weiler.

Apparently we don't have a lot of time,
so let's just get right to it, shall we?

Well, thank you, Herpy.

And on behalf of animal lovers
everywhere, I want to thank you and FYI

kind, humane gesture.

I can assure you that I'll see to it
that Bob gets the kind of care and

nurturing he deserves.

You know, Doctor.

Rats are such fascinating creatures. Why
don't you tell our viewers a little

something more about them first?

Like, what do they eat? How long do they
live? I hear they can die just like

that.

That depends, of course, on a number of
factors. The species of rat, the

environment, the rat's diet.

Why? Why?

There are so many possibilities.

I'd be happy to answer your question in
greater detail, but...

Might be easier if I had a visual aid.

You know, I have a pretty active
imagination. And there's that guy there

big rat suit. Can we get a close -up on
him, please?

Actually, I'd prefer to see the real
rat.

Now.

Is that really necessary, Doctor?

Yes, it is.

Oh, my God.

This rat is dead.

Well, I'm not surprised by the way you
were grabbing him.

You call yourself an animal lover.

This is outrageous.

It's murder is what it is. It's murder
pure and simple. You should be ashamed

yourselves harming an animal like this.

A poor, defenseless... Ow!

He bit me!

Go to commercial. Go to commercial.

In spite of everything that happened,
the window on America's set didn't work

out too badly.

Turns out most of our viewers were so
busy watching the idiots on the outside

the glass, they hardly even noticed the
ones on the inside.

Well, you'll all be glad to know I
finally cornered Bob down in the editing

and, well, I took care of him.

Oh, Murphy.

You whacked him, didn't you? Relax, I
did the right thing. I released him back

into his natural habitat.

The House will be in order.