All language subtitles for murphy_brown_s07e14_rumble_in_the_alley

Hi, I'm Murphy Brown, and you are?

A friend.

A friend who could file these for me?

Of course, I could file these for you,
and I could take your messages or get

a cup of coffee, but that would be doing
your work.

And how would that be helping you?

Yeah, but you are my secretary, right?

Well, if you feel the need to apply
these arbitrary labels, okay.

I will be your secretary and you can be
my boss.

But nothing will have changed because
when all is said and done...

I'm still me, and you're still you.

Actually, something will have changed,
because I'll still be working here, and

you'll be fired.

Okay, everybody, here they are. I have
got your tickets for the Animal Welfare

Federation annual bowl -a -thon. Now
remember, every pin you knock down will

help maintain the stasis and
biodiversity of our ecosystem.

Now, I'm not exactly sure what that
means, but my publicist tells me it's a

really good thing.

Here you go, Jim. These are for you.
And, Corky, there's yours. I still don't

get this, Frank.

This is supposed to be a Valentine's Day
event. Why is it in January?

Apparently, someone waited until the
last minute to book the bowling alley.

I thought you were in charge of that.
Hey, I had a lot on my plate last month.

Well,

at least it's better than last year's
Monte Carlo night benefit.

Roger Mudd took his job as pit boss a
little too seriously and had Doris

out of the hall for card plotting.

Meanwhile, five aces drop out of
Cronkite's sleeve and the man's

his roguish disregard of the rules.
Where's the justice in that, I ask you?

I just hate Valentine's Day.

So much pressure on single people.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Just because you're lucky enough to be
in a relationship, why should you get a

holiday too? I mean, they might as well
have people born with beauty and

intelligence day or people who eat all
they want and don't get fat day.

Yeah, it's

really

sad.

Wait a minute.

Sit. We are both on the committee. What
do you say you and Peter double with me

and my date? We make it a foursome.

Well, actually, Frank, I'm not really
sure that we're going to go to this

What? You're on the committee. You have
to go.

Well, I think that the endangered
animals have a little more to worry

whether I go to their stupid party or
not.

And besides, Peter's not really into
this kind of stuff.

That's what this is all about. You know,
every time I ask you and Peter to do

something with me, you always come up
with some lame excuse not to do it. If

you're talking about that Redskins game,
I swear to you, Peter was in serious

pain that day. Oh, come on. Come on. The
man crawled across the jungle once with

a broken leg. You're telling me he
couldn't make it to a football game

of an ingrown hair?

If I'm not mistaken, wasn't it an
ingrown hair that killed President

You want to know the truth?

Whenever you and Peter get together,
there's always this...

uncomfortable tension.

Tension? There's no tension. It's just
two guys having fun.

You gave his name to the Secret Service
and said you heard him threatening the

president.

You never heard of something called an
April Fool's joke? In August, Frank.

Murph, come on. That's all water under
the bridge.

Now, listen. Even though he did come in
here and invade my turf, steal away my

best friend, and I'm 99 % sure he's the
one responsible for that graffiti in the

men's room incident, I am past him.

You really serious about this?

Absolutely. Now, listen.

Peter's in your life. Now, I want to be
in your life, too.

I really think we should all get along.

I think this bowling night is a perfect
opportunity to do that.

Okay, I'm not making any promises, but
I'll see what I can do. Great.

Oh, and Frank, I don't want you blaming
Peter for that graffiti in the men's

room. I'll have you know that drawing
took me two hours.

Hey, Murphy.

Oh, hey. I'll be ready in a sec.

Actually, I don't think I'm going to go
bowling.

I think I'm coming down with that flu
thing that's going around. It starts

a little tickle in the throat, doesn't
it?

Really? Oh, Peter, that's too bad.

You must feel awful being involved with
a woman who wouldn't buy that load of

crap for a second.

Okay, let me try another load of crap.

this already. Frank really wants to be
your friend. The least you can do is

return the gesture.

Besides, if you don't, I'm going to
spread the rumor that you wear bikini

underwear with a big bullseye on them.

You gave them to me. Still, you wore
them and I'm willing to go public with

that.

You wouldn't dare.

All right, I'll go.

But when I give you the word, we leave.
Or I'll tell everyone at that bowling

alley that you regularly sell your hair
to a wig maker.

Not because you need the money, but
because you're just that cheap.

my guest no one will believe you are you
willing to take that chance you are a

low hunt but you're my kind of love
frank

we're just heading over to the bowling
alley well have a good

time what are you talking about my
date's canceled she's got this blue

that's going around apparently it starts
with a little tickle in the throat

You know, if Frank's not going, maybe we
shouldn't go after him. Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa. You have to go. It's event
co -chairman. You're going to have to

assume my duties.

What? What duties? It's not that much,
really. All you're going to have to do

spray the shoes and empty out the
ashtrays.

And if the automatic pin setter gets
stuck, what you have to do, the guy

is crawl under there and give it a sharp
kick and get the hell out of there

because the thing comes down really
fast.

Oh, yeah, that'll happen.

Besides, just because your date canceled
doesn't mean you can't go. Oh, yeah.

I'm really going to go to a Valentine's
Day event alone.

Well, you know, you never know what
happens with these things.

Maybe a couple will get into a fight and
you'll meet someone that way.

Listen, Murph, I've already made some
calls. There's no one available.

No one?

Apparently a last -minute invite to a
Valentine's Day bowling party doesn't

thrill a woman the way it used to.

All right, phone call. It's the bowling
alley. Okay.

You know, you really should be handling
this all right. I'll take it.

Quick, you've got to find someone for
Frank to take.

Why would I do that? I don't even want
to go to this thing.

Look, if you think it's going to be me
sliding under those pincers, pal, you

sadly mistaken. So get out that pathetic
little black book that I know you have

but you won't admit to and make Frank a
match.

I don't think there would be anybody in
that book that would be right for Frank.

If such a book existed.

And even if it did, it would probably be
filled with names of women that I went

out with. Don't you think you might have
a problem with that?

Yeah, right. I'm really going to be
threatened by a woman whose name is

by three stars and the word Yahoo.

First of all, I don't use Star Wars.

I use a complicated system of checks and
pluses and little smiley faces.

Look, it's bad enough I have to
participate in a sport whose finest

train on a diet of cigarettes, beer, and
corn nuts.

The least you can do for me is this one
little favor.

Well, I do have this friend, Linda. She
might be free tonight.

Linda? Female name, free tonight. She
sounds perfect.

Call her.

Listen, Murph.

Apparently, there is a fungal virus
going around.

So, when you spray the shoes tonight,
make sure you really get up in the toes.

Not so fast, Frank. You're still on shoe
duty. Peter has a friend who's perfect

for you, and he's calling her right now.
A blind date? I don't think so.

Um, but Frank, would she be a totally
blind date if I knew her?

Really? You know her?

What's she like?

Linda? Oh, she's great.

She's, um, she's fun, intelligent.

Yahoo. I don't know, Murph. I mean,
really, it just doesn't sound right.

Yahoo, Frank.

Hi, guys.

Hey, a Valentine's party and the two of
you are together.

Does this mean you're officially an item
now?

No, we are not an item.

We were just here as friends because
that is the way we want it. Right,

Right, friends. Unless you thought we
were here as something other than

No, we're happy as friends. Really
happy. You are happy, aren't you? Oh,

Couldn't be happier.

I mean, if you will. Me? I couldn't be
happier. Oh, God.

We'll air Wolfie. It's like a bad
episode of Moonlighting.

Greetings, all.

Hey, Tim.

Are you here alone?

Unfortunately, yes.

Doris's allergies started acting up. And
just as we were about to leave, her

mother called, and that brought on a
migraine. And as we were going out, she

broke a heel. Didn't want to come, did
she, Jim? It's a bowling alley, for

sake. Wild horses couldn't drag her
here.

I can't even bowl with that.

Where's your date, Frank? She's coming.

And frankly, I am getting a little tired
of these insinuations because I have a

date. And let me tell you something. She
is coming. She is definitely coming.

She's not coming, is she?

How many times do I have to say it,
Frank? Debbie will be here.

Debbie? I thought you said her name was
Linda.

You're right.

Her middle name is Debbie.

Oh, now I'm waiting for Debbie.

And what's her last name, Godot? Now,
hold on a second.

I am on to your game. You were desperate
to get me here tonight so you wouldn't

have to spray the shoes. And you, you,
she made you go over and pretend to make

a phone call and pretend to get me a
date with this Debbie Linda person.

Actually, that's Linda Debbie.

Just so you know, my old friend. I came
here tonight to bury the hatchet with

you, only to find it locked between my
shoulder blades. Well, thank you. Thank

you very much.

Peter. Oh, hi. Sorry I'm late. Traffic
was terrible.

I'm Linda. You must be Frank.

Peter's told me some great things about
you.

Oh, hi.

You know, this might sound shallow and
unconvincing, but I love you, man.

You're just doing great.

Oh, God, I tell you, I am really into
this whole Valentine's theme.

Yeah, love is in the air. Nice
cutterball, huh? You stink.

No, this Linda, she's terrific.

Tell me what you know about her. I want
to know everything.

Linda, um, well, she's sort of, she's,
to tell you the truth, Frank, I don't

really know her.

Oh, she's complicated, hard to pin down.

I like that.

No, I mean, I really don't. know her. I
never met her before tonight.

Never?

You mean you let Peter set me up with
someone you don't even know?

How could you do that?

Oh, man.

If I'd have known that, there's no way I
would have agreed to come here tonight.

What are you complaining about? You're
having a great time.

You don't get it. This changes
everything.

It doesn't change a thing. Linda's
bright, attractive.

And look, she just made a seven -tenth
split.

Exactly my point. A woman that
attractive agreeing to go on a blind

bowling alley at the last minute?
There's something deeply, deeply wrong

You said it yourself.

She's a good bowler.

Maybe too good.

Maybe she's a man.

You've been sniffing that shoe spray,
haven't you, Frank?

Is that an Adam's apple?

You're up, Frank.

Okay.

Yes! Did you see that? Did you see that?
I got three!

One, two, three!

Wow, that's really great.

Highest I got was two, and that was in
somebody else's lane.

Oh, Miles.

It's not as hard as it looks. Here, let
me show you.

First, I put my foot right here on this
spot.

Like this?

No, no. Here, let me show you.

Like this.

Then, I grip the ball like this.

How's that feel?

That feels right.

Really right.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Take a step away from the mat. All
right.

Hands up.

No,

let's flex those knees, shall we?

Peter, I'm adding up your score.

That's one that wobbled. It didn't go
down, did it?

Okay, so that all adds up to zero.

I have such an interesting relationship.
How did you get together?

Oh, we met at work, and we started going
out, and we've been together ever

since. How did you meet Peter?

Oh, we met when we were in the Peace
Corps together.

Peter was in the Peace Corps? Really? I
didn't know that. Sure, three years.

Anyway, they sent us to this really
remote part of Thailand.

The nearest doctor was like 60 miles
away. So you can imagine how scary it

when Peter got bitten by that snake and
almost died.

Peter almost died from a snake bite?

I didn't know that. Yeah, on the way
back he proposed to me.

At first I thought it was maybe the
medication talking because just a minute

before that he'd taken off all his
clothes and scrambled up a bandage and

started... Whoa, whoa, could you just
back up for a second?

You guys were married?

Oh, no, no. We never went through with
it.

But... We did live together for two
years.

But I'm sure you know all about that.

Oh, yeah.

That I know about.

You're up, Linda. And remember, you're
working on a spare.

We can relax, Murph. She's all woman.

She is, Seth.

I was just talking to Peter, and I tell
you, the guy honestly thought that she'd

be perfect for me. And, you know, he's
right. I mean, what a setup.

She's attractive.

She's smart.

He lived with Peter for two years.

Oh, man, what a setup. I knew there was
something wrong with her. Peter dumps

her, then he feels guilty. He tries to
turn her off on me.

You're up, Frank. Thanks for nothing,
man.

What's with him?

Oh, he just found out that the blind
date you set him up with used to be your

roomie. Oh, yeah, we live together.

Oh, yeah, you live together? That's it?
Like, oh, yeah, they have nachos at the

bar?

You tell me it bothers you. No, no, I
mean, it doesn't bother me. It's just

it would have been nice to know. I mean,
we've been together for almost a year,

and I had no idea.

Well, I would have told you, but we had
this understanding from the beginning

that this relationship was going to
crash and burn, right?

I mean, we agreed that there was no
point in cluttering things up with

information. You're right. You're
absolutely right.

Besides, it's not like I don't have a
lot of stuff like that that I haven't

bothered to tell you. Exactly.

Great.

Like, uh, like what?

I was married once.

I know that. You told me that. Oh, well,
there's a lot of other stuff like that

that I haven't told you about.

A lot of other stuff.

Did you know about me and Jerry Gold?

That loud mouth? I hate that guy. What
about you and him?

Oh, look, it's my turn.

Hey, man, sorry about blowing up at you
back then. Really, I don't know where

that came from.

Linda, tell me she's the one who dumped
you, huh?

Yep.

Dumped you and dumped you. Good.

That really must have messed up your
head, huh?

I suppose so. Listen, Murphy and Jerry
Gold, what was that all about?

And that, friends, is called slamming
the pocket.

Corky, I believe you're up next.

Stay in my seat.

Hey, Corky, have a ball.

I'm beginning to lose patience with you.
It's left, right, left, right, release.

No, no, no.

It's about something different.

Something going on at the office, and I
think we all know what that is.

Yes? Go on.

You know, sometimes people have these
feelings, and they keep them buried.

Then time goes by, and they wonder if
they're not making the biggest mistake

their life.

They start wondering, maybe they should
be, I don't know.

seizing the opportunity before it's gone
forever. Now, you listen to me, and you

listen good. I don't know what lies
you've heard about me and that raven

receptionist, but nothing, I repeat,
nothing happened in the Xerox room that

day. She had a paper block, and I helped
to clear it. That's the long and short

of it. And if any of this gets back to
Doris, so help me God.

Miles, it's your turn.

Okay.

Jim, I need to talk to you about
something.

Something that's going on in the office.

You're going down to seminary school for
cheating.

Wow.

Murphy's seen every James Bond movie
twice.

Yeah. Even Octopussy.

He speaks fluent Chinese.

Cantonese and Mandarin. You should hear
him order takeout.

Murphy's fired a lot of secretaries.

Listen, Peter, I think Linda and I are
going to cut out of here.

Hey, Linda, would you like to take off?

Sure.

You guys don't mind, do you?

We'd like to get to know each other a
little more.

Yeah, you know what that's like.

Huh?

In there.

I know.

Well, uh, that was fun, huh?

Yeah, I had a great time.

It seemed like you and Linda were doing
an awful lot of talking.

Yeah.

Uh, you and Frank spent a lot of time
together.

What'd you guys talk about?

Oh, you know, just, uh, just stuff.

How about you and Linda?

Same.

Stuff.

Wait, uh, Frank sure seems to know an
awful lot about you.

Yeah.

And Linda seems to know a lot about you.

I guess if we had the kind of
relationship where we called it a

might know that kind of stuff about you,
too. But you don't want that, do you?

Me? No, I'm happy with the way things
are.

As long as you're happy with the way
things are. You're happy, aren't you?

absolutely.

I'm happy if you're happy. No, I'm happy
if you are.

We sound like Courtney and Miles.

What are we doing, Peter?

I'm happy.

We're not doing the happy thing anymore,
are we?

Look, Murphy, I don't know what's going
on with us.

All I know is that I found out tonight
that I'm involved with a woman that I

hardly know.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Seminary school?

Octopussy? Twice?

It's really not so bad once you get past
the title.

You know what's getting to me?

I make my living asking questions.

And I know more about gas or Arafat than
I know about you. Well, the man's an

open book.

You know, maybe we shouldn't blame
ourselves.

We weren't even supposed to last this
long. I mean, we were supposed to crash

and burn long before we got to what's
your favorite color.

I was supposed to be feeding your
pictures through a paper shredder by

I was supposed to be crushing out the
smiley faces by your name in my little

black book.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't want it to end yet.

I don't either.

So what's your favorite color?

Gray.

Gray?

But the only kind of color is gray. I
mean, blue, now there's a color. Oh,

that figures.

What's the matter with blue? Nothing.
It's just that 90 % of the population

blue. But if that's okay with you,
then... So who's your favorite writer?

Stephen King.

Oh, boy, this is going to be work.

Oh, Rena's probably asleep. I'm just
going to go check on Avery.

You got a kid?