All language subtitles for murphy_brown_s06e19_crime_story

Okay, Gorgie, I heard you the first six
times.

I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you.

All right. I know it's here somewhere.

Oh, let's see. Got your glasses, shoes,
purse, keys, or briefcase?

Briefcase. I know I came home with it.
This always seems to happen on carpool

day.

Oh, it seems to happen every day.

All right, Murph, what's missing this
time?

First, glasses, shoes, keys or
briefcase? Briefcase.

Hey, Avery, look, I found another W. Now
you can spill white water.

Where was the last place I saw it? Did
you look in the freezer?

That's where you left your keys last
time.

Sometimes she comes home from work, she
goes straight for the ice cream.

Ladled in one hand, a quart of triple
brownie overload in the other.

It's not a pretty sight.

Well, that does it. I've searched the
entire house.

Obviously, my briefcase has just
vanished off the face of the earth. Have

checked your car?

Of course.

It's in my car, right where I left it.

Come on, Frank, you're going to make us
late.

Me?

Do you ever have that dream where she's
just a giant screaming head?

I'm always going to miss you.

Bye, Ellen. Bye -bye, Avery.

Here we go. Say bye.

And as the hurricane moves on, silence
once again descends on the peaceful

island village.

Wait, a shift in the wind patterns.
Quick, back to the huts.

Tell me you did something with my car.
You moved it, didn't you? Tell me you

moved it. I won't be mad.

You know, I once touched your side
mirror, and you actually rapped me

knuckles.

Murph, now think. Are you sure that's
where you left it? In my driveway,

I think so.

I used to park it in my closet, but it
wrinkled my clothes.

Okay, it's got to be there.

Just going to open the front door, and
my car will be there.

I don't believe this.

Somebody stole my car.

Son of a... Oh,

great.

I'm going to spend my whole day in a
police station while some low -life joy

rides around town in my car, changing
the mirrors, readjusting the seats.

I wouldn't worry about it. He's probably
got it stripped down to the rims by

now.

Except, in your case, your car is so
beautiful, he's probably just going to

it.

You know, until these guys find it.

That's not fair, Frank. Why'd they have
to take my car?

Why couldn't they have taken that brand
-new Lexus across the street? They're

well -built, low -maintenance, and now
feature dual airbags. Don't these jerks

be consuming the car?

Oh, sure.

It helps them decide which bread makers
to steal.

Look, Murph, I know you're upset, but
when you think about it, you're really

pretty lucky. All they took was material
stuff. Nobody got hurt.

I know it's just a car, but someone was
in my driveway while I was in my house

sleeping. While my kid was sleeping.

I know, I know.

Here you go.

Yeah, I'd like to report a stolen... Oh,
great.

Murphy Brown.

Just what I needed today.

To be part of some get -the -cops
expose.

And me without my donut.

Imagine my embarrassment.

I'm not here to do an expose.

I'm here because my car was stolen and
I'd like to get it back.

Hey, why don't you guys ever go after
the fireman, huh?

Everybody loves firemen. Oh, look,
there's a little kitten up in the tree.

call the big brave fireman. Did you ever
stop to think maybe it's the fireman

lobbing those cats up there in the first
place?

I explain this.

You see this key?

There used to be a car attached to it.

Now it's a very expensive letter opener.

Then your car really was stolen. Yes,
officer. Yes, it was. Yes.

All right.

Fill out this form and wait over there.
We'll get to you when we can.

Oh, jeez. This is going to take all day.
I don't have all day.

Listen, is there some sort of
policeman's ball coming up? I'll take 50

Let me handle this, Murph.

Listen, um...

Sergeant Foley, maybe we can cut through
some of this red tape. Now, I don't

know if you've seen any of my reports,
but I have spent some time riding around

with some of the guys from the 2nd
District.

I even took a bullet once.

Still aches a little when it rains.

Anyway, what we've got here is a 22 -38
-15.

I think we should check the teletype for
any repos or impounds. Do a... flash,

look out, make sure we can nail this
perp.

Yes, sir.

We'll do that.

Just as soon as she fills out this form
and waits over there.

It's a 251, Murph.

Black ink. Press firmly. I'm going to
check out the water.

Let me guess what happens now. I fill
this out and it sits on someone's desk

collecting coffee rings. What about the
repos and the perps? Shouldn't you be

setting up roadblocks, calling all cars?
And while we're at it...

about more patrols on the street.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Right after I flash the big Help Us
Batman sign in the sky.

Look, I don't know what fantasy world
you've been living in, but we don't have

the money, nor do we have the manpower
to put patrols on everyone's street.

They don't have to be on everyone's
street. Just my street, Cambridge Place.

Look, Ms. Brown, we do the best we can.

But if you want to feel safer, I suggest
you join your neighborhood watch. They

do a very effective job at preventing
crime.

Oh, right, my neighborhood watch. I
should get in touch with them.

Okay, I want the name of the neighbor
that was on duty last night, and I want

know why the hell they weren't watching
my car. Look, the only name I can give

you is the name of the head of the group
in your area. It's, uh, Margaret

Stritch.

Mrs. Stritch?

That woman who's always out pruning and
the floppy sun hat and white gloves?

Oh, sure. She flies out of her house if
your kid touches one lousy azalea, but

they come for your car and it's be my
guest.

Here's her number. I'm sure she'd love
to hear from you.

Now, I have some more work to do. When
you finish filling out your form, let me

know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, this isn't going to look
very good on my expose.

But you said this wasn't an expose.

What kind of an expose would it be if I
just walked in here and said it was an

expose?

Hidden camera in the purse?

I'll have to form over here.

Hello, neighbors.

Good to see you. Come right on in. Coats
go over there.

The Palmers.

Put that stupid electric elf in their
window at Christmas.

I love that elf.

You gotta give me more to go on than
that. Oh, well, pardon me. Perhaps I

mention the jug bottles of Gallo Hardy
Burgundy in the recycling bin.

Got my own little neighborhood watch
going.

Hello, Murphy.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Courtney's so conflicted these days
about her babysitter.

Well, when you're as verbal as she is
for her age, you're bound to be a little

more sensitive than the average child.

Glad you could make it, so let's go over
there.

The Coopers think their kid is smarter
than yours.

Yes, these two I remember.

You'll never guess what happened
yesterday.

Courtney counted all the way to 20.

So how's Avery?

He's fine.

He's upstairs doing my taxes.

Avery, dear, I think we're ready to
start the meeting.

Will you be joining us, Eldon?

Um, oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Stritch, but,
uh, I mean, I really should be getting

home. I don't know how safe it is for me
to be out in this neighborhood after

dark.

I'm sorry about that incident the other
night. If I'd known it was you, I never

would have used that pepper spray.

Don't worry about it. The stuff wore off
after four or five hours, and I was

only begging to die the first couple.

I'm so glad.

Next time she drops her teeth, I'm
kicking them under a bush.

Same goes for that old man Swenson in
there.

Try to return someone's mitten and he
chases you with his snow shovel.

I've lived in this town longer than any
of you.

You want to know what the problem is?
I'll tell you what the problem is.

Gangs. Hey, Ballard, can't you talk to
these punks?

You must know that rap talk.

Mr. Swenson, sometimes I don't know
which of your stereotypes to deal with

first. I think we're all here, and I
want to welcome our newest member,

Brown. And because she's the one that
requested this emergency meeting, I

I'll turn the floor over to her.

Murphy? Thank you, Mrs. Stretch.

Look, it's too bad that we have to get
together under these circumstances, but

just want you to know I've really been
meaning to have you all over.

And how come you never invited us?

For 15 years you've been next door, and
I haven't gotten so much as a cup of

coffee.

I've just been very busy. Have you had
coffee?

Have you?

How about you?

Mr. Swenson, I think it's safe to say
none of us has gotten a cup of coffee.

Why don't I just get to the point?

You may not know this, but something has
happened in this neighborhood that

affects us all.

My car was stolen.

I know, I know, but I didn't call this
meeting to get your sympathy.

You wanted to warn us that it could
happen to us, too.

Oh, well, sure, that.

and to tell you that we have got to
start taking this crime situation more

seriously. Now, I'm not saying it was
your fault my car was stolen, and I

expect any of you to step forward and
offer to pay the $500 deductible, even

though it might help assuage your guilt
over what was obviously some pretty

shoddy neighborhood watching.

You know, you're not the only one who
has been hit by a crime. Our Volvo wagon

was stolen, too.

Six months before yours.

All of Courtney's flashcards were in it.

It's not just the cars. Our home was
broken into when we were out of town.

Well, now, this just proves my point. We
have got to stop talking about this

problem and do something.

We have got to start getting aggressive
about protecting ourselves.

Bravo. Well said.

And now is a good time to report that
the new stickers came in. They say,

watching you, and the little eyes glow
in the dark.

Stickers! Oh, great idea.

But why stop there?

Why don't we just climb up into our
treehouse and pelt the bad guys with

balloons? Come on, we have to take
action.

She's right. Stickers are no good.

If someone comes near my door, I bark
like a dog.

You know, we're not as incompetent as
you might think. We've started

nightly patrols. Ah, patrols. That's an
excellent idea.

Bearing in mind, of course, that some of
us have very busy schedules that

wouldn't be available.

But then I'd be happy to leave some
cookies and a thermos of coffee on my

so that any of you patrollers passing by
could stop and enjoy.

Now she's got coffee.

What about security gates?

I know they would help those of us with
small and exceptional children sleep a

lot better at night. Mr. Cooper, now you
know there's a two -year waiting list

for permits, and there's not much chance
of speeding that up now that Clarence

Thomas has moved out of the
neighborhood.

Can't you talk to him?

I don't know him.

Oh, what good are you?

Just a second.

What are we talking about here, gates?
You want to turn this into a gated

community? Not just a gated community,
an electrified gated community.

The apartment department wouldn't even
consider that.

It would have been great.

Like a giant bug zapper.

The gate issue is dead. Now, let's talk
about what we can do.

I'm pleased to announce that the
Georgetown Gun Shop has offered us a 10

discount on all handguns, ammo, and
silhouette targets.

You people aren't really considering
buying guns, are you?

Well, actually, we already have one.

I have a gun hidden in every room of my
house.

I'm never more than five pieces away
from a little piece of mine.

By the way, Margaret, you were
absolutely right about that new graphite

It's worked wonders on our 9mm.

Oh, I had to give up my 9mm.

The recoil aggravated my bursitis.

I have to tell you that when I was
thinking of taking some action, I was

thinking of something a little less road
warrior. I mean, guns, gates, grenades.

Why don't we just build a moat and get a
vat of boiling oil?

Yeah, try to get a permit for that.

Look, I've got to be honest with you. I
don't exactly feel safer knowing I'm

surrounded by a bunch of people who are
armed to the teeth.

I mean, is that the way we want to live?
A trigger -happy community where we

shoot first and ask questions?

Oh, good.

Now... It was unbelievable.
Unbelievable. Somebody

actually suggested putting up a guard
tower.

A guard tower.

Next thing you know, I'll be tunneling
for freedom and making a fool out of

Colonel Quinn.

Between the electrified fence and that
barking man, it sounds like you need a

neighborhood watch to watch your
neighborhood watch.

I could hardly wait to get those people
out of my house.

And later that night in bed, I started
to hear things outside. You know, those

creepy, is it the wind or is it
something else noises?

I actually thought of calling Mrs.
Stritch and asking her to drop by with

357. You know, the one she calls her
little friend.

Sometimes we live in any strange noise
and your heart starts to pound.

Oh, yeah, maybe it's nothing, but you
can't be sure.

Do you know they can press charges
against you if you call 911 too much?

Look, I can understand why you guys are
upset, Murph. Your car was stolen,

Miles.

You were born that way.

But don't you think you're getting a
little paranoid?

Oh, and you haven't? Tell us, Frank, why
you keep a nine iron under your bed?

In case the guy who breaks in finds the
butcher knife in my knife.

Hey, maybe I'm getting a little
paranoid, too.

It's not paranoia. There is crime out
there.

Remember how many times my car stereo
was stolen before I bought the kind that

pulls out?

That was fun, lugging it around with me
everywhere I went.

Until that guy mugged me on the street
and took it.

It's scary.

And even when they say it's the pizza
guy, it could be a crazy person who

knocked out the real pizza guy and is
coming to rob you and kill you and eat a

free pizza. I remember when you didn't
have to lock your front door.

Now I've got security codes for my
house, my car, my luggage.

I live in fear of the day I accidentally
punched my ATM number into my house

alarm. The security patrol comes
screeching onto my lawn, blows me away,

bills my estate $200 for a house call.

I started taking a self -defense class
at the Y. Really? I was going to do

but it's in such a dangerous part of
town.

It's not bad. I mean, I thought there'd
be a few more people there my own age,

but at least now I know how to use a
walker as a lethal weapon.

I hardly think violence is the answer.

If someone tries to take my wallet, he
can have it.

Of course, let him go for my
grandfather's watch, and he can be

the business end of my umbrella. Are you
nuts, Joe? If someone attacks you, you

can't whack them with your umbrella.
That's just going to make him mad.

She's right.

You have to beat, beat, beat him until
he's dead.

Or just wing him. He can turn around and
sue you for all you've got.

You know what else?

A cop told a friend of mine that if you
catch a prowler outside your house and

you do happen to kill him, that you have
to drag him inside so it looks like

breaking and entering.

Not enough.

Not enough.

My cousin, who's a paralegal, says after
you drag the body inside, you have to

put a knife in his hand so you can flee
self -defense.

Oh, really? And he's a paralegal, you
say?

And it wouldn't hurt to eat a few
Twinkies.

That way, if the self -defense thing
doesn't work, we've got insanity to call

it.

Did you listen to us? When did words
like beating and dragging become part of

everyday conversation?

It was just a part of all of us. It's
been pushed so far, we're ready to push

back. I know I am.

I have this fantasy where I see the guy
who took my car stereo.

I run up behind him, tap him on the
shoulder, and when he turns around, bam,

knock him cold with my walker.

I have to admit, I haven't stopped
thinking about the jerk who stole my

I picture myself in the bushes with a
baseball bat waiting for him. It's dark,

so he can't see me, but I can see him.
Yeah, because I'm wearing those night

goggles from Silence of the Lambs.

He starts to pick the lock and...

I'm there, and the last thing he sees is
my gaffling face and the words

Louisville Slugger.

Recommend your house.

I need a Twinkie.

We got a call from the police. They
caught the guy who took your car. You're

kidding!

Insane dreams don't come true. Well, I
am ready for this.

Well, Murphy, all that stuff we were
chatting about, you're not actually

to do anything to this guy, are you? Of
course not, Miles. He's in the hands of

the law now. I believe in the judicial
system.

Besides, it's not like they leave you in
a room alone with them unless you work

them over with a rubber hose.

Yeah, right.

I mean, how much can a rubber hose earn
anyway? It's only rubber. Now, a

truncheon, I'm not sure what that is.

Sure,

not as much as one of those iron maidens
with all those spikes, but where are

you going to get one of those these
days?

Hey, Sarge, you found my car. I don't
believe it. I never thought I'd see it

again. That makes two of us.

Our friend made the mistake of driving
it into a chop shop we'd been watching.

I want to do something to show my
appreciation.

I want the shoe sizes of the entire
squad.

Reeboks for everyone.

That won't be necessary, Ms. Brown.

But you could pay off those old parking
tickets we found in the glove

compartment.

Is that where they were?

Thank you. I'll do that.

I just wish I could see the guy who
stole my car so I could tell him to his

what a piece of scum he is.

Well, technically, we're not supposed to
allow that, but they're bringing him

out right now if you want to get a look
at him.

Really? You wouldn't happen to have a
truncheon, would you?

Where is he?

Right over there.

That's him?

A kid stole my car?

I was going to wait in the dark for a
kid. How old is he?

Thirteen.

13? Does he even know how to drive?

Judging from the dents he left in your
car, I'd say he was still learning.

How was my car you stole?

So? That's all you got to say? So?

Okay. Your tapes suck.

So let me guess what happens now.

They start a rap sheet for him and then
ship him to juvenile hall where he

spends a few days picking up tips on how
to become a better criminal?

Oh, no.

Most of the time, the system turns these
kids into Nobel Prize winners.

Here.

You can pick up your car at the impound
lot.

13.

Good evening and welcome to FYI.

For your information tonight, crime.

It's on everyone's mind.

It's on everyone's street.

Tonight, we begin an ongoing series on
the problem that seems to have no

solution. Murphy?

Thank you, Jim.

In poll after poll, Americans list crime
as their number one concern.

We're a country living in fear, hoping
that if we build more prisons, hire more

police, and buy more guns, we'll finally
feel safe.

But in this report, you won't see
prisons or police or guns. What you will

are underfunded schools, pregnant teens,
drug abuse, child neglect, and...

God bless this.

To celebrate our 20th anniversary, we're
going to party like it's 1985 with a

lineup of hit shows from the year Nick
at Night began.

It's Nick at Night's 20th anniversary
celebration.

Three nights beginning this Tuesday at
10 p .m.