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1
00:00:05,221 --> 00:00:07,380
[intro music]
2
00:00:07,460 --> 00:00:11,541
[Frank] Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!
3
00:00:11,621 --> 00:00:16,581
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives they were given
4
00:00:16,661 --> 00:00:19,061
by him upstairs.
5
00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:22,381
And kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
6
00:00:22,460 --> 00:00:28,861
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
7
00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:31,901
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
8
00:00:31,980 --> 00:00:36,260
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented.
9
00:00:36,341 --> 00:00:40,940
To calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
10
00:00:41,021 --> 00:00:45,220
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
11
00:00:45,301 --> 00:00:49,381
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
12
00:00:49,461 --> 00:00:53,860
You shit on our heads,
but you pay the taxes.
13
00:00:57,421 --> 00:01:00,741
Imagine a Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers
14
00:01:00,821 --> 00:01:03,421
who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.
15
00:01:03,501 --> 00:01:07,621
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
16
00:01:07,700 --> 00:01:11,780
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
17
00:01:11,861 --> 00:01:13,060
[laughing] [cough]
18
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,341
Scatter!
19
00:01:15,420 --> 00:01:16,821
Party!
20
00:01:24,941 --> 00:01:27,060
[Monica] I wrote a poem.
21
00:01:27,140 --> 00:01:29,661
There was a young woman from Chatsworth
22
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:34,700
Who had dreams, ambitions,
and other stuff
23
00:01:34,780 --> 00:01:37,541
-But she lost her good cheer...
-[Frank snoring]
24
00:01:37,621 --> 00:01:40,500
[Monica] and ended up here... [sighs]
25
00:01:45,301 --> 00:01:48,981
But I can't finish it.
Can't think of the last line.
26
00:01:49,060 --> 00:01:53,821
Frank, she's gone over. We've got time.
27
00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:55,941
-[snoring]
-Don't need any foreplay.
28
00:01:56,021 --> 00:02:00,060
I can get myself going.
A quick in and out will do.
29
00:02:00,140 --> 00:02:01,741
Yeah, yeah... Go on.
30
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:05,780
-Knock yourself out.
-[cloth flapping]
31
00:02:06,661 --> 00:02:09,141
[snoring]
32
00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:13,100
Oh, Christ! [sighing]
33
00:02:13,181 --> 00:02:14,741
[Carl in distance] Ah! Come on!
34
00:02:14,820 --> 00:02:17,100
At least somebody's getting some.
35
00:02:17,181 --> 00:02:19,661
-[baby crying]
-[Monica sighs deeply]
36
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:28,501
[groaning]
37
00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:29,980
[panting]
38
00:02:31,221 --> 00:02:34,061
Agh! Come on!
39
00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:37,380
-[urine trickling]
-[knocking at door]
40
00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,341
-[Debbie] Carl!
-Fuck off!
41
00:02:39,421 --> 00:02:41,861
I'm touching cloth here!
42
00:02:41,941 --> 00:02:44,540
-I'm having a piss.
-What, for 40 minutes?
43
00:02:44,621 --> 00:02:46,820
Really?
44
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,501
-It's been 40 minutes?
-Duh!
45
00:02:49,581 --> 00:02:51,260
Yeah, well I've got a big bladder.
46
00:02:52,781 --> 00:02:53,861
Carl!
47
00:02:56,581 --> 00:02:57,621
[man] That's your lot.
48
00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:59,700
You'll have to wait, I can't find the gin.
49
00:02:59,781 --> 00:03:01,301
Down there, on the left.
50
00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,901
Feel free to roll your tongue back in.
51
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:11,461
Suppose there's no chance of a quickie?
Go on, for old times' sake?
52
00:03:11,540 --> 00:03:13,700
-I'm a married woman.
-Not even a hand job?
53
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,540
[Mandy] Not unless you want
to take your knob home in a jiffy bag.
54
00:03:17,621 --> 00:03:20,100
-The sister-in-law?
-Shut up.
55
00:03:21,861 --> 00:03:23,301
[Karen] He's harmless.
56
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:28,700
Listen, I wanted to ask...
57
00:03:28,781 --> 00:03:32,700
You don't mind
if I have someone stay over Friday night?
58
00:03:32,781 --> 00:03:34,820
Course not, why would I?
59
00:03:34,901 --> 00:03:35,820
No.
60
00:03:37,581 --> 00:03:39,341
Right!
61
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,301
"Stay over."
62
00:03:42,461 --> 00:03:45,221
Course. You live here an' all.
63
00:03:45,301 --> 00:03:48,140
It's the first time... You know.
64
00:03:48,221 --> 00:03:49,301
Fuck off!
65
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:53,061
You haven't shagged him yet?
What are you, a nun?
66
00:03:53,140 --> 00:03:55,461
Is it compulsory to use your knickers
as ankle-warmers
67
00:03:55,540 --> 00:03:56,700
on your first date these days?
68
00:03:56,781 --> 00:03:59,941
All right, no need to get
your chastity belt in a twist.
69
00:04:00,021 --> 00:04:02,181
Not another word from me.
70
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:04,100
Any road, we'd better get our skates on.
71
00:04:06,581 --> 00:04:07,860
Carl!
72
00:04:07,941 --> 00:04:10,700
[Maxine] All right, sexy.
Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we?
73
00:04:10,781 --> 00:04:12,661
Fuck off, I'm late!
74
00:04:12,741 --> 00:04:13,581
[door slams]
75
00:04:13,661 --> 00:04:16,141
-Thought we were going in town!
-I've got nothing to wear.
76
00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:18,500
You've got nothing to wear
to go clothes shopping?
77
00:04:18,581 --> 00:04:21,781
Got no money, either.
D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it?
78
00:04:21,860 --> 00:04:23,661
[Maxine] Battle of the sexes, gorgeous.
79
00:04:23,740 --> 00:04:25,581
By the time you're old enough
to realise you're in a war
80
00:04:25,661 --> 00:04:26,941
you'll have already lost it.
81
00:04:27,021 --> 00:04:30,781
What is it with girls and touching?
You don't always have to be touching!
82
00:04:30,861 --> 00:04:32,740
And you shouldn't be shop-lifting either!
83
00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:33,981
[Frank] All right, son?
84
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,461
-No!
-Good.
85
00:04:35,541 --> 00:04:36,901
[Maxine] All right, Mr G?
86
00:04:37,500 --> 00:04:39,021
Pleased to see me?
87
00:04:41,101 --> 00:04:43,661
-Careful what you wish for, cheeky.
-[Monica] Oh, yeah?
88
00:04:43,740 --> 00:04:46,541
So now you're feeling frisky?
89
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,620
[stammering] Well... it's just a laugh.
90
00:04:49,701 --> 00:04:50,781
Five minutes.
91
00:05:05,500 --> 00:05:08,021
Oi! Show some respect!
92
00:05:08,101 --> 00:05:10,781
I hate this. Gives me t'creeps.
93
00:05:10,861 --> 00:05:13,620
Don't worry, Scrappy Doo'll protect you.
94
00:05:15,301 --> 00:05:16,901
It's an annual pilgrimage.
95
00:05:16,981 --> 00:05:19,821
Mimi sits here all day,
we get excused after an hour.
96
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:22,901
I'm all dressed up
so's I can stand out here
97
00:05:22,981 --> 00:05:24,740
freezing me knackers off for an hour?
98
00:05:24,821 --> 00:05:26,581
Apparently, blood's thicker than water.
99
00:05:26,661 --> 00:05:28,661
It's not thicker
than fucking voddie, though, is it?
100
00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:30,060
[laughing]
101
00:05:32,141 --> 00:05:34,380
-What for?
-[Kelly grunting] [coughing]
102
00:05:34,461 --> 00:05:35,461
[Joe] Fine, speak to you later. Ta-ra.
103
00:05:36,341 --> 00:05:37,261
State of him!
104
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:42,421
Hey, saw that new girl of yours.
105
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,581
Only went into a shop for a pint of milk,
and there she is.
106
00:05:45,661 --> 00:05:48,180
I mean, for a hooker.
All that fucking hair!
107
00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:51,380
Biggest turn-off going.
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
108
00:05:52,021 --> 00:05:53,060
[Mimi] What the fuck?
109
00:05:55,341 --> 00:05:57,021
It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it.
110
00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:01,861
-Look at how upset it's making him!
-[Jamie coughing]
111
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,541
He's not grieving, he's hung over.
112
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:04,781
[Jamie vomiting]
113
00:06:05,861 --> 00:06:06,740
Clear it up, now.
114
00:06:08,861 --> 00:06:09,701
Now.
115
00:06:10,821 --> 00:06:11,781
[yelling] Now!
116
00:06:23,661 --> 00:06:24,541
Fuck!
117
00:06:25,541 --> 00:06:26,500
Sorry!
118
00:06:27,661 --> 00:06:28,541
[gasps]
119
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:34,060
I was bringing you a cuppa,
see if I could work in some small-talk...
120
00:06:35,500 --> 00:06:36,861
Think we've gone beyond that.
121
00:06:39,021 --> 00:06:40,141
[moaning]
122
00:06:43,461 --> 00:06:44,981
Fuck! Shit! Stop!
123
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:46,101
[girl] What?
124
00:06:47,421 --> 00:06:49,541
I didn't know. I'm sorry!
125
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:51,781
What, him?
He's not my bloke, he's my brother.
126
00:06:52,341 --> 00:06:55,101
We share the house.
Hurry up, before I lose me erection.
127
00:06:55,180 --> 00:06:58,701
Well...
But isn't it weird him being there?
128
00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,500
Since when was watching against the law?
129
00:07:02,781 --> 00:07:04,380
[upbeat music]
130
00:07:10,461 --> 00:07:11,740
[Kelly] It's a fucking joke.
131
00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:13,500
Not family enough to visit the grave,
132
00:07:13,581 --> 00:07:16,101
but it's all hands to the pump
to scrub the bastard!
133
00:07:16,180 --> 00:07:18,221
It's cos you're girls,
you do a better job.
134
00:07:18,301 --> 00:07:19,141
[punch]
135
00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:21,581
-Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again.
-We're leaving.
136
00:07:21,661 --> 00:07:23,221
-Lightweight.
-Fuck off, Micky!
137
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,380
You sure you'll be all right?
138
00:07:32,301 --> 00:07:34,380
This can never happen again.
139
00:07:35,301 --> 00:07:37,021
[Paddy] It won't, angel.
140
00:07:38,221 --> 00:07:39,101
I promise.
141
00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:47,341
Here you go.
142
00:07:50,500 --> 00:07:52,221
-It's only 20.
-I know.
143
00:07:52,301 --> 00:07:55,661
Weather we're having, expect I'll need
done again before the week's out.
144
00:07:55,740 --> 00:07:56,701
[Carl] No problem.
145
00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:03,981
I said to your dad,
"No way that's a turkey,"
146
00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:06,620
but Bernie the butcher swore by it.
147
00:08:07,581 --> 00:08:10,740
Suppose they do look similar,
though... Plucked.
148
00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:12,820
A turkey, and a swan.
149
00:08:14,380 --> 00:08:16,421
So, not the best Christmas.
150
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:29,180
Poor cow.
151
00:08:30,940 --> 00:08:33,700
[Mimi] Why's it always the mothers
that bear the burden?
152
00:08:38,340 --> 00:08:39,861
C'mon, having a bite here.
153
00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:42,180
[kiss] You can have a bite of me.
[chuckles]
154
00:08:42,261 --> 00:08:43,340
[splash]
155
00:08:45,141 --> 00:08:46,421
I've got sauce on me now.
156
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:48,301
[foot tapping]
157
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:50,501
What?
158
00:08:51,741 --> 00:08:52,901
What?
159
00:08:53,741 --> 00:08:57,901
I want... [sighs]
I need a bit of intimacy.
160
00:08:58,901 --> 00:09:01,021
I'm not just a fucking baby machine.
161
00:09:01,581 --> 00:09:03,381
Yeah, but, you know, the timing's wrong.
162
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,781
Yeah... The timing's always wrong.
163
00:09:05,861 --> 00:09:06,901
No... [stuttering]
164
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:12,421
No, I mean, you're still, you know,
carrying a bit of baby fat, aren't you?
165
00:09:12,501 --> 00:09:14,181
So I would have thought you...
166
00:09:14,261 --> 00:09:18,621
You wouldn't want to flaunt it.
167
00:09:18,701 --> 00:09:23,061
I'm still a woman, I still need love.
Seven kids I've given you!
168
00:09:23,741 --> 00:09:25,100
When have I ever cast it up?
169
00:09:26,741 --> 00:09:27,661
Ever!
170
00:09:29,061 --> 00:09:33,661
-[Monica shouting] You bastard!
-[smashing] [clanging]
171
00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,581
Hey, nobody's saying
you've got to be Liz Hurley.
172
00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:38,340
Fuck you, you fucker!
173
00:09:38,421 --> 00:09:40,621
But you're not eating
for two anymore, are you?
174
00:09:40,701 --> 00:09:44,021
I'll fucking show you
fucking love handles!
175
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:48,661
-Would you rather I lied to you?
-Piss off! You twat!
176
00:09:48,741 --> 00:09:50,860
[Frank] Oh, here we go, another pair.
177
00:09:51,501 --> 00:09:52,661
Female of the species.
178
00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:55,901
Victims of biology
and the unbearable lightness of shopping.
179
00:09:56,460 --> 00:10:00,181
Oh, and whose fault is it?
Societal pressure created by men!
180
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:03,220
[door opens]
181
00:10:05,581 --> 00:10:06,901
-[door slams]
-[exhales]
182
00:10:10,301 --> 00:10:11,741
Oh, come on, then!
183
00:10:13,340 --> 00:10:15,741
What's the view
from the leaf-blowing brigade?
184
00:10:15,821 --> 00:10:17,901
You really are a useless prick,
aren't you?
185
00:10:17,980 --> 00:10:18,860
I'm not.
186
00:10:19,381 --> 00:10:21,541
Just think what that woman's
given up for you.
187
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,821
What, you?
Giant fucking Yoda in a shell suit?
188
00:10:24,901 --> 00:10:27,421
That's right,
revert to your default position.
189
00:10:27,980 --> 00:10:29,061
Abusive.
190
00:10:31,021 --> 00:10:33,501
Don't examine your own behaviour,
whatever you do,
191
00:10:33,581 --> 00:10:35,741
because you're a great catch,
aren't you, Frank?
192
00:10:35,821 --> 00:10:38,421
Husband, helper, lover...
193
00:10:39,061 --> 00:10:39,980
[sighs]
194
00:10:40,061 --> 00:10:41,421
You're going to lose her.
195
00:10:42,381 --> 00:10:43,621
No, I'm not.
196
00:10:43,701 --> 00:10:45,701
[laughs loudly]
197
00:10:47,941 --> 00:10:48,741
[car door slams]
198
00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:54,340
Ey, don't fucking laugh at me,
cos it's the lowest form of wit.
199
00:10:59,821 --> 00:11:01,740
D'you mind? The ladies' loos are flooded.
200
00:11:01,821 --> 00:11:03,541
-No.
-[door shuts]
201
00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:16,821
Sorry.
I don't really need to go, it's just...
202
00:11:16,901 --> 00:11:18,261
What?
203
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:22,181
When was the last time
you did a bit of gardening?
204
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:30,781
I know it's none of my business,
but, it's your big date on Friday,
205
00:11:30,860 --> 00:11:33,860
and I know it's been a long time,
and Joe said...
206
00:11:33,941 --> 00:11:36,740
-Joe said what?
-About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
207
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:39,381
That he doesn't like hairy women.
208
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:42,340
They're totally disgusting
and it makes him wanna puke.
209
00:11:43,941 --> 00:11:46,661
[Mandy] A fucking Barbie doll,
Smooth bump at the front?
210
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,261
It's natural.
211
00:11:48,340 --> 00:11:51,421
What kind of person thinks
body hair is disgusting,
212
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,061
a massive turn-off?
213
00:11:53,141 --> 00:11:54,901
[Karen] The hoops we fucking jump through!
214
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,301
[water dripping]
215
00:11:56,381 --> 00:11:58,261
I just thought you'd wanna know!
216
00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:07,220
-You all right, mate?
-Yeah, grand.
217
00:12:10,781 --> 00:12:12,421
What?
218
00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:15,781
Well, this is really fucking weird,
because she's me sister, but...
219
00:12:15,860 --> 00:12:17,701
Well, I know it's your big night Friday.
220
00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:22,220
-She doesn't like hairy men.
-What?
221
00:12:22,301 --> 00:12:23,980
She doesn't like men with hair.
222
00:12:24,061 --> 00:12:26,541
-What, you mean--
-Jesus, no!
223
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,980
It'd look like a one-eyed turkey,
plucked and ready for the oven!
224
00:12:29,061 --> 00:12:29,901
Your chest.
225
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:35,421
Well, I've seen you after games,
you're not exactly lacking, are ya?
226
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:38,100
-She really hates it?
-[laughs] Disgusts her.
227
00:12:38,181 --> 00:12:40,620
Doesn't think she could be
with a hairy guy.
228
00:12:43,141 --> 00:12:44,541
Sorry, mate.
229
00:12:45,581 --> 00:12:46,860
[groaning]
230
00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,261
How was that?
231
00:12:50,340 --> 00:12:51,901
Stanley Waterman,
232
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:56,501
if muff-diving were an Olympic sport,
you'd be a national fucking hero.
233
00:12:56,581 --> 00:12:59,261
-Do you hang weights off your tongue?
-Your turn.
234
00:12:59,340 --> 00:13:04,901
[sighs] I'm knackered, Stan.
There's no way I could work up the energy.
235
00:13:04,980 --> 00:13:07,141
[grunts] If you don't mind me saying,
236
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,541
but you're always too knackered
when it's my turn, these days.
237
00:13:09,620 --> 00:13:13,061
Am I? It's your own fault.
238
00:13:13,141 --> 00:13:16,021
-You're too bloomin' good.
-Yvonne...
239
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:21,181
-Yvonne?
-It's the wart, Stan.
240
00:13:21,261 --> 00:13:22,261
[sighs]
241
00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,501
The wart.
242
00:13:23,581 --> 00:13:26,901
-I thought you hadn't noticed.
-Noticed?
243
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,141
It's almost had me eye out five times.
244
00:13:29,220 --> 00:13:31,421
It's like your bell-end's
grown another head.
245
00:13:33,460 --> 00:13:35,901
It's only a wart, love.
246
00:13:35,980 --> 00:13:39,381
They can easily be removed.
Like a verruca. Tssst!
247
00:13:47,421 --> 00:13:49,581
-It's rubbish, innit?
-No, it's just...
248
00:13:50,501 --> 00:13:53,740
This bit about: "Running his tongue
round her burning Volvo"
249
00:13:53,821 --> 00:13:55,460
[Ady] It's a typing error, right?
250
00:13:55,541 --> 00:13:58,701
Well, I used spell-check.
I'm no good with the Latin words.
251
00:13:58,781 --> 00:14:00,901
And same when she gives him "a blow-dry".
252
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,061
Oh, no, I meant that.
253
00:14:03,061 --> 00:14:04,860
-She's an hairdresser.
-Oh!
254
00:14:04,941 --> 00:14:06,061
Oh, yous hate it.
255
00:14:06,141 --> 00:14:08,141
-No, we don't, it's just--
-[Zeta] It's a bit gay, Micky.
256
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:09,860
How is this gay?
257
00:14:11,261 --> 00:14:13,181
"He bent her over the cement mixer,
258
00:14:13,261 --> 00:14:16,460
spread her arse cheeks wide,
and slid the length of his girder inside.
259
00:14:16,541 --> 00:14:18,421
The only sound interrupting her moans
260
00:14:18,500 --> 00:14:21,021
was the rattle of her hard hat
inside the empty mixer,
261
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:23,661
as it went round, and round,
and round, and round."
262
00:14:23,740 --> 00:14:24,941
-It's a building site.
-So?
263
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,141
You get women builders.
264
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:28,500
[Zeta] Straight or not,
265
00:14:28,581 --> 00:14:31,261
I'm as wet as a fisherman's sou'wester
just listening to it,
266
00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:33,620
upstairs, the pair of ya.
267
00:14:33,701 --> 00:14:34,581
-[Ady] Oh!
268
00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:35,541
Ahh!
269
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:39,340
Sorry about that. [panting]
270
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,181
It's all right, happens.
271
00:14:41,860 --> 00:14:42,980
It's just bad timing,
272
00:14:44,421 --> 00:14:46,581
you two coming first. Again!
273
00:14:48,740 --> 00:14:50,100
She's not stupid, you know.
274
00:14:50,181 --> 00:14:52,500
She must be
if she thinks you're still in the closet.
275
00:14:52,581 --> 00:14:54,301
-Shut up!
-[water running]
276
00:14:54,381 --> 00:14:56,220
That's how you're into swinging, innit?
277
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:59,021
You're a poof trapped
in a straight marriage.
278
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,181
Hey, I'm not a poof.
279
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:02,740
Yeah?
280
00:15:03,381 --> 00:15:06,141
So how come you've got a stiffie
as soon as she left the room?
281
00:15:09,701 --> 00:15:10,661
I love her.
282
00:15:12,821 --> 00:15:15,301
When was the last time
you had straight sex with her?
283
00:15:17,100 --> 00:15:17,941
Micky...
284
00:15:19,421 --> 00:15:20,620
I think I love you, too.
285
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:22,781
[mellow music]
286
00:15:27,941 --> 00:15:29,100
Well, tomorrow...
287
00:15:30,421 --> 00:15:31,381
we have this out.
288
00:15:32,460 --> 00:15:33,340
The three of us.
289
00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:40,941
What are you doing?
290
00:15:42,821 --> 00:15:45,460
I am helping.
291
00:15:46,740 --> 00:15:50,181
Oh, god... Oh! Fuck's sake!
292
00:15:50,261 --> 00:15:52,021
Looking foxy, Mrs G.
293
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,541
Thank you, Maxine.
294
00:15:58,661 --> 00:15:59,980
[Stella cries]
295
00:16:02,821 --> 00:16:05,701
-What's up with your mum?
-[sighs] General or specific?
296
00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:08,261
General, she wasn't born
into the Royal Family.
297
00:16:08,340 --> 00:16:10,380
Specific, she's 43 going on 14.
298
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,340
-I'm pissing.
-What, all day, every day?
299
00:16:16,021 --> 00:16:17,901
-[grunts]
-Debs, wait.
300
00:16:21,941 --> 00:16:23,380
I'll just unload, shall I?
301
00:16:25,701 --> 00:16:26,781
I can't piss.
302
00:16:26,860 --> 00:16:29,661
-You're getting plenty of practice.
-No, I mean...
303
00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:32,220
I can't... piss.
304
00:16:32,941 --> 00:16:35,061
A little bit comes out,
but it hurts like fuck.
305
00:16:35,141 --> 00:16:36,620
And it itches all the time.
306
00:16:36,701 --> 00:16:39,100
-You use a condom, don't ya?
-Of course I do.
307
00:16:40,661 --> 00:16:41,541
Usually.
308
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,421
-You've got an STD.
-Have I fuck!
309
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:45,500
Fine, you haven't.
310
00:16:46,860 --> 00:16:48,620
-What should I do?
-Clinic.
311
00:16:50,860 --> 00:16:51,740
No way!
312
00:16:57,941 --> 00:16:58,781
[Liam] Stay back!
313
00:16:58,860 --> 00:17:01,340
-[Debbie] No!
-[smashing]
314
00:17:04,100 --> 00:17:06,940
-[Stella cries]
-[Debbie] I'm OK, everything's fine!
315
00:17:07,741 --> 00:17:09,221
[water running]
316
00:17:09,301 --> 00:17:10,461
Oh, fuck!
317
00:17:16,420 --> 00:17:19,061
-[Stella crying]
-[Frank] Shut up, Stella!
318
00:17:19,981 --> 00:17:21,340
[Lillian] All right, love?
319
00:17:22,140 --> 00:17:23,620
Yeah, thanks, Lillian.
320
00:17:23,701 --> 00:17:26,221
If you don't mind me saying,
you're looking a bit mental.
321
00:17:27,501 --> 00:17:28,541
Am I?
322
00:17:29,101 --> 00:17:32,180
Sure you haven't got some
of that post-natal depression?
323
00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:33,741
She could be right, you know, Monica.
324
00:17:33,821 --> 00:17:35,541
You don't seem quite yourself.
325
00:17:35,621 --> 00:17:37,741
And what is "meself", then, Yvonne?
326
00:17:37,821 --> 00:17:39,501
Dressing like a sofa
327
00:17:39,581 --> 00:17:42,581
and munching down HRT,
cos I'm past me sell-by date?
328
00:17:42,660 --> 00:17:43,940
Don't be soft!
329
00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,461
With bosoms like these
330
00:17:45,541 --> 00:17:48,021
you've got 20 years
of good handling of you yet.
331
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,741
I'm not mental just because
I want to be treated like a woman.
332
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,180
You can probably
take your hands off now, Lillian.
333
00:18:04,341 --> 00:18:05,940
[Lillian] They were persecuted
334
00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:08,061
in ancient times, hypnotists.
335
00:18:08,141 --> 00:18:10,381
Folk used to think it were black magic.
336
00:18:12,381 --> 00:18:14,741
[Monica]
It's probably just a tacky sex show.
337
00:18:14,821 --> 00:18:16,461
Pub hypnotists are all the same.
338
00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:18,420
-[Shane] So you're not going?
-[Monica] Oh, yeah.
339
00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:21,301
I'm gonna get there early,
get a seat down the front.
340
00:18:21,381 --> 00:18:23,701
[Norma] It's a science of the future,
mind-control.
341
00:18:23,781 --> 00:18:26,781
Some people even see it
as an art. Who's to say?
342
00:18:26,861 --> 00:18:28,180
The paying fucking public.
343
00:18:29,180 --> 00:18:31,581
[Kelly] Seven quid a ticket,
he'd better be an artist.
344
00:18:31,660 --> 00:18:33,101
[Lillian] They used to think Houdini
345
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,660
hypnotized himself,
so he could hold his breath.
346
00:18:35,741 --> 00:18:37,180
Till he drowned, of course.
347
00:18:37,261 --> 00:18:39,180
Then the theory
lost some of its credibility.
348
00:18:39,261 --> 00:18:41,061
Our mam was hypnotized once.
349
00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:43,341
Wonder if that's why
she thinks she's a Scouser.
350
00:18:43,861 --> 00:18:44,821
[text message tone]
351
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:46,341
She is a fucking Scouser!
352
00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,741
[Norma] Course, all art is subjective.
353
00:18:48,821 --> 00:18:51,221
You know that tennis poster, of the...
354
00:18:51,981 --> 00:18:56,581
of the lass lifting her skirt to scratch
a single, perfect...
355
00:18:57,781 --> 00:18:59,021
round buttock.
356
00:18:59,541 --> 00:19:00,541
We have to go.
357
00:19:00,621 --> 00:19:02,180
-I've still got half me-
-[Kelly] Now!
358
00:19:02,261 --> 00:19:03,821
Classic image, that is. [puffs]
359
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:07,940
[Karen] I used me dad's razor
the first time I did it.
360
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,541
Used his aftershave an' all.
361
00:19:09,621 --> 00:19:11,741
That was a once-only experiment.
362
00:19:13,461 --> 00:19:15,660
-You sure you've done this before?
-Yeah.
363
00:19:15,741 --> 00:19:19,541
One summer, I did me mate's
like the faces of the Take That boys.
364
00:19:19,621 --> 00:19:21,741
Except Gary Barlow, of course.
365
00:19:21,821 --> 00:19:25,660
-She must've been a hairy girl.
-Not really. Mark Owen's only little.
366
00:19:25,741 --> 00:19:27,101
Maybe I should go to a salon.
367
00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,700
And drop 40 quid to let
some spotty teenager stare up your muff?
368
00:19:30,781 --> 00:19:32,821
Come on, get 'em off!
369
00:19:35,381 --> 00:19:37,700
Are you sure
this is the best way to do it?
370
00:19:37,781 --> 00:19:38,660
How should I know?
371
00:19:39,221 --> 00:19:41,221
Not my missus
who's got a fetish for baldy.
372
00:19:41,301 --> 00:19:42,461
Not natural though, is it?
373
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,581
Yeah, blame Brad Pitt,
and Leonardo DiCaprio.
374
00:19:44,660 --> 00:19:46,461
We live in the era of the girly man.
375
00:19:46,541 --> 00:19:48,781
Yeah, well,
I'd fucking hate to look like that.
376
00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:54,700
-Can you do it?
-Fuck right off!
377
00:19:54,781 --> 00:19:57,101
I can't get the angles right,
looking in the mirror.
378
00:19:58,420 --> 00:19:59,301
[whispers] Please.
379
00:20:05,141 --> 00:20:06,700
Nobody gets to hear about this.
380
00:20:10,141 --> 00:20:12,781
[Debbie] That's half my wardrobe, Liam!
These aren't stolen.
381
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,781
I don't want them in the house,
it's bad karma.
382
00:20:21,781 --> 00:20:22,861
[Stella crying]
383
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,581
-[door opens]
-[Frank] Who the fuck?
384
00:20:26,021 --> 00:20:26,940
[door slams]
385
00:20:27,781 --> 00:20:30,180
-What you doing?
-Well, assisting.
386
00:20:31,381 --> 00:20:32,781
Being less than useless.
387
00:20:32,861 --> 00:20:35,861
More importantly, what the fuck
is this garment doing in my house?
388
00:20:35,940 --> 00:20:37,381
Didn't we bring them up right?
389
00:20:38,621 --> 00:20:39,660
I don't care.
390
00:20:46,101 --> 00:20:48,821
[Mandy in distance]
Oh! Holy God in Heaven!
391
00:20:50,341 --> 00:20:51,660
Everything all right?
392
00:20:51,741 --> 00:20:53,700
Yeah. You?
393
00:20:53,781 --> 00:20:54,660
Fine.
394
00:20:56,541 --> 00:20:58,101
-What you up to?
-Nothing.
395
00:20:59,581 --> 00:21:00,900
You?
396
00:21:00,981 --> 00:21:01,821
Not much.
397
00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:02,821
Argh!
398
00:21:02,900 --> 00:21:06,741
-You said you'd done this before!
-I have. It's been a while, that's all.
399
00:21:06,821 --> 00:21:08,581
[gasps] I thought you were an expert.
400
00:21:08,660 --> 00:21:10,541
Did your mate's with the Take That boys.
401
00:21:10,621 --> 00:21:12,501
I never said it was a good likeness.
402
00:21:13,180 --> 00:21:15,741
Feels like you used sticky sandpaper!
403
00:21:15,821 --> 00:21:18,420
-I think I'm bleeding!
-Don't be so soft.
404
00:21:18,501 --> 00:21:21,180
Women have suffered for beauty
since the dawn of time and...
405
00:21:21,261 --> 00:21:23,021
we've only just started.
406
00:21:23,101 --> 00:21:24,660
-Get back!
-Ugh!
407
00:21:24,741 --> 00:21:25,821
[screaming]
408
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:27,180
[Joe] Christ almighty!
409
00:21:27,261 --> 00:21:29,021
Jamie, summat wrong?
410
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:31,940
No. Sound as a pound.
411
00:21:32,021 --> 00:21:32,900
Okay.
412
00:21:34,781 --> 00:21:38,141
-Me nipple! I think you've cut it off!
-You shouldn't twitch so much.
413
00:21:38,221 --> 00:21:41,461
No wonder, with the barber
of fucking Seville shaving me chest.
414
00:21:41,541 --> 00:21:42,781
Oh, don't be such a baby!
415
00:21:42,861 --> 00:21:44,981
It's only a nipple,
you've got another one.
416
00:21:45,061 --> 00:21:46,061
[Joe grunting]
417
00:21:46,940 --> 00:21:49,460
[Kelly] Your brother fancies me.
He wants to fucking do me.
418
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:52,501
And not straight on and off either,
he wants to spank me!
419
00:21:53,341 --> 00:21:55,541
You can't hurt him, Shane.
He's your brother.
420
00:21:55,621 --> 00:21:56,900
I'm not gonna hurt him.
421
00:21:58,141 --> 00:21:59,180
I feel sorry for him.
422
00:22:00,621 --> 00:22:04,261
-I'm not sure how to take that.
No, I mean, I don't blame him.
423
00:22:04,981 --> 00:22:06,381
How could he not fancy you?
424
00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:08,261
Karen's a nice girl and all, but...
425
00:22:09,301 --> 00:22:10,781
she'll never be a "you."
426
00:22:10,861 --> 00:22:11,940
You taking the piss?
427
00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:13,301
No.
428
00:22:13,381 --> 00:22:14,460
You could be a model.
429
00:22:14,981 --> 00:22:18,420
In fact, you make half the models
in magazines look like dogs.
430
00:22:18,501 --> 00:22:19,781
I do own a mirror, Shane.
431
00:22:19,861 --> 00:22:24,061
And, while it tells me that, yes,
I am a fucking knock-out,
432
00:22:24,141 --> 00:22:27,861
I don't think Kate Moss
should be quivering in her Jimmy Choos.
433
00:22:27,940 --> 00:22:31,301
-You're gonna have to put him off.
-How?
434
00:22:34,180 --> 00:22:37,021
I'm completely bald! You said Brazilian!
435
00:22:37,101 --> 00:22:41,660
There must be bald Brazilians.
Who's the one that bends the free kicks?
436
00:22:41,741 --> 00:22:45,541
Bald is all the rage. Brazilian's so '90s.
437
00:22:45,621 --> 00:22:47,981
I am not interested in fanny fashion!
438
00:22:48,061 --> 00:22:50,700
And it's not supposed
to hurt this much either.
439
00:22:50,781 --> 00:22:53,741
I suppose I should've
used alcohol-free wipes.
440
00:22:53,821 --> 00:22:56,221
Tea tree's the best, I think.
441
00:22:56,301 --> 00:23:00,460
On the plus side,
you could stuff a cushion with these.
442
00:23:02,221 --> 00:23:03,861
[video camera beeping]
443
00:23:04,900 --> 00:23:07,621
[Paddy] Has she given you
the old heave-ho, then? Permanent?
444
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:11,021
-Or is it just a lovers' tiff?
-What?
445
00:23:11,101 --> 00:23:12,420
Your girlfriend.
446
00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:16,341
Well, you've been spending
so much time there of late,
447
00:23:16,420 --> 00:23:19,341
I expected this to be a solo mission.
448
00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:20,381
Yeah.
449
00:23:20,460 --> 00:23:23,541
Take her to see the Hypnotist
at The Jockey tomorrow night.
450
00:23:23,621 --> 00:23:24,900
Laughter's a rare remedy.
451
00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:27,621
-Yeah, maybe.
-Don't be a doormat.
452
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:30,781
I'll talk her round. [chuckles]
453
00:23:30,861 --> 00:23:33,261
Never underestimate
the wisdom of the old fella, son,
454
00:23:33,341 --> 00:23:35,420
when it comes to the ladies.
455
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:38,301
I cast my net far and wide
before I met your mother.
456
00:23:39,381 --> 00:23:40,501
Excellent.
457
00:23:40,581 --> 00:23:41,420
Shh!
458
00:23:43,581 --> 00:23:45,021
[suspenseful music]
459
00:23:48,101 --> 00:23:49,221
[Micky] What's she doing?
460
00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,301
I couldn't say, Michael.
461
00:23:58,821 --> 00:24:01,581
-I'll grab her.
-Just wait.
462
00:24:22,141 --> 00:24:26,341
I'm fucking gorgeous!
I'm in me prime, you bastard!
463
00:24:26,420 --> 00:24:27,420
[Liam clears throat]
464
00:24:29,821 --> 00:24:32,781
Corrie's on.
Thought you might want to know.
465
00:24:32,861 --> 00:24:34,261
Be down in a minute.
466
00:24:45,301 --> 00:24:46,660
Hiya.
467
00:24:46,741 --> 00:24:48,261
Hi. It really burns when I piss,
468
00:24:48,341 --> 00:24:51,660
and most of the time I can't piss,
so I've got this really throbbing pain.
469
00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:54,861
And I'm itching so much
that I'm scratching myself raw.
470
00:24:54,940 --> 00:24:58,541
I do this two days a week until they can
get me full-time at McDonald's, so...
471
00:24:58,621 --> 00:25:01,460
you probably wanna wait
for a doctor to examine you.
472
00:25:01,541 --> 00:25:04,940
-Just your name, for now.
-Carl Gallagher.
473
00:25:18,261 --> 00:25:19,660
[Carl] You all right, Stan?
474
00:25:20,621 --> 00:25:23,621
-[Stan] All right, Carl.
-What you in for?
475
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:24,741
Nothing, you know.
476
00:25:24,821 --> 00:25:27,420
You've got genital herpes or something.
477
00:25:27,501 --> 00:25:30,180
Hey, it gives you an itchy arse, that.
Read about it.
478
00:25:30,261 --> 00:25:35,981
No, I mean, nothing like that,
it's just a small personal...
479
00:25:36,061 --> 00:25:37,700
I haven't got an infection,
480
00:25:37,781 --> 00:25:40,660
I've just got a small nubbin
on the end of me...
481
00:25:40,741 --> 00:25:44,981
A bit of diplomacy, eh,
about us seeing each other here?
482
00:25:45,061 --> 00:25:48,301
I've only got chlamydia.
It's like the Stockport County of VDs.
483
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:50,821
Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl.
484
00:25:50,900 --> 00:25:52,821
-It can lead to infertility...
-[tense music]
485
00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:55,141
premature birth,
whole load of nasty things.
486
00:25:55,220 --> 00:25:58,061
You've got to tell them, Carl,
any girls you've been with.
487
00:25:58,141 --> 00:25:59,061
It's important.
488
00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:01,940
-You all right, Tina?
-[Carl groans]
489
00:26:02,021 --> 00:26:04,061
[smacking]
490
00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:13,261
-Not today, Micky.
-We're supposed to have a chat.
491
00:26:13,341 --> 00:26:15,821
Me and Ady had the chat.
We didn't need you present.
492
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:17,940
It's okay, I'll handle it.
493
00:26:19,021 --> 00:26:19,900
Honest.
494
00:26:21,460 --> 00:26:22,541
Faggot.
495
00:26:23,180 --> 00:26:24,940
Which one of us are you talking to?
496
00:26:26,900 --> 00:26:29,700
She gave me an ultimatum, made me choose.
497
00:26:29,781 --> 00:26:30,861
What, and you chose her?
498
00:26:31,861 --> 00:26:33,940
-[sighs]
-You're even gayer than I am!
499
00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:38,180
Look, we can still see each other.
Just not when she knows.
500
00:26:43,061 --> 00:26:44,101
No, mate.
501
00:26:44,741 --> 00:26:47,261
-I don't think so.
-Why?
502
00:26:47,861 --> 00:26:49,700
Cos I prefer a bit more spine.
503
00:26:51,021 --> 00:26:52,621
You're too pussy-whipped.
504
00:26:52,700 --> 00:26:54,341
-Micky
-No, mate.
505
00:26:54,420 --> 00:26:56,021
I deserve better.
506
00:26:57,861 --> 00:26:59,621
I deserve fucking better.
507
00:27:11,261 --> 00:27:14,501
-What you doing?
-Going to see the hypnotist at The Jockey.
508
00:27:14,581 --> 00:27:16,621
Not in that top, you know that's mine.
509
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:17,541
Stolen.
510
00:27:17,621 --> 00:27:18,781
It's mine!
511
00:27:18,861 --> 00:27:20,141
It's only a top, Debs.
512
00:27:20,220 --> 00:27:23,501
-What about Stella?
-Well, Liam can look after--
513
00:27:23,581 --> 00:27:27,021
Don't even think about it! You can't
leave a baby with a nine-year-old boy.
514
00:27:27,101 --> 00:27:29,501
Fine! I'll stay in, again!
515
00:27:29,581 --> 00:27:32,180
Like the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda!
516
00:27:33,021 --> 00:27:35,261
What you doing? Don't!
517
00:27:35,341 --> 00:27:36,420
[Stella cries]
518
00:27:40,061 --> 00:27:41,101
Debbie!
519
00:27:55,180 --> 00:27:57,021
Thanks' a fuckin' bunch, Stan!
520
00:27:59,101 --> 00:28:00,981
[balalaika playing]
521
00:28:05,141 --> 00:28:06,220
[knock on door]
522
00:28:09,581 --> 00:28:10,581
[sighs]
523
00:28:13,460 --> 00:28:16,101
Good evening, madam.
Do you believe in the living Christ?
524
00:28:16,180 --> 00:28:18,741
After this week, absolutely not.
525
00:28:21,141 --> 00:28:24,460
Wait... My soul might be lost,
526
00:28:24,541 --> 00:28:27,220
but me son's is definitely up for grabs.
527
00:28:36,741 --> 00:28:37,660
Ten.
528
00:28:37,741 --> 00:28:39,341
Do I look like immigrant labour?
529
00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:40,900
[buffs]
530
00:28:42,741 --> 00:28:45,301
20 then, but that's for the whole night.
531
00:28:45,381 --> 00:28:47,180
I'm not changing any more nappies.
532
00:28:47,261 --> 00:28:48,980
Just keep them talking, all right?
533
00:28:50,301 --> 00:28:52,101
I'll give you some privacy.
534
00:28:52,180 --> 00:28:55,821
I've just got a quick point
to make to me husband.
535
00:28:58,660 --> 00:28:59,900
Have fun!
536
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:03,301
[clapping and chattering]
537
00:29:04,460 --> 00:29:07,541
[Damien] Now, Carl is your husband.
538
00:29:07,621 --> 00:29:10,141
-Lillian is your lesbian lover.
-[crowd laughing]
539
00:29:10,220 --> 00:29:12,621
And Norma is Brad Pitt.
540
00:29:12,700 --> 00:29:14,101
[all cheer and laugh]
541
00:29:14,180 --> 00:29:16,980
-[Damien] In the nude!
-[all] Yeah!
542
00:29:17,061 --> 00:29:19,301
[Damien] Yeah, and... wake!
543
00:29:19,940 --> 00:29:23,220
Lillian, what you doing here?
Carl will find out.
544
00:29:24,460 --> 00:29:27,700
Oh, my God, Brad Pitt!
545
00:29:27,781 --> 00:29:29,420
You're everything I imagined...
546
00:29:30,621 --> 00:29:31,821
and more!
547
00:29:33,341 --> 00:29:35,741
[Norma] It is not amusing
to put me in this position.
548
00:29:35,821 --> 00:29:38,861
A penis is an aggressive appendage!
549
00:29:38,940 --> 00:29:40,581
[all cheer and laugh]
550
00:29:42,101 --> 00:29:44,700
[Frank]
Marital strife, and an imaginary knob.
551
00:29:44,781 --> 00:29:46,980
Passes for entertainment, does it?
552
00:29:47,861 --> 00:29:49,861
-[Jamie] All right, Shane?
-[Shane] Yes, mate.
553
00:29:49,940 --> 00:29:51,621
-All right, Kelly?
-Yeah, magic.
554
00:29:52,460 --> 00:29:54,381
[snorts]
555
00:29:55,660 --> 00:29:57,900
Can I have a lager,
and a vodka-tonic, please?
556
00:29:57,980 --> 00:30:00,581
You... You've got something on your...
557
00:30:01,741 --> 00:30:03,700
Oh, yeah, me falser.
558
00:30:04,621 --> 00:30:06,700
It seems to run
when it's me time of the month.
559
00:30:06,781 --> 00:30:08,581
And, Jesus, am I on!
560
00:30:08,660 --> 00:30:11,341
-It's like someone turned a tap on--
-All right, Kelly!
561
00:30:11,420 --> 00:30:13,141
Pint and a vodka tonic, was it?
562
00:30:13,220 --> 00:30:14,220
What you doing?
563
00:30:14,301 --> 00:30:17,980
Don't worry, I've got a sitter,
so remove the gun from me head.
564
00:30:18,061 --> 00:30:19,141
Who?
565
00:30:19,220 --> 00:30:22,420
You fucking peck away at me like a hen,
you know that, Debbie?
566
00:30:22,501 --> 00:30:25,541
Seven of you I've brought up,
and not one of you has ever
567
00:30:25,621 --> 00:30:28,501
had the good grace
to pay me the tiniest little compliment!
568
00:30:28,581 --> 00:30:30,980
When your responsibilities in life
extend beyond
569
00:30:31,061 --> 00:30:32,700
"Which sleeveless top shall I rob?"
570
00:30:32,781 --> 00:30:35,660
Then you can question
my parenting skills! All right?
571
00:30:41,621 --> 00:30:42,940
[indistinct conversation]
572
00:30:43,021 --> 00:30:45,741
-[kiss]
-Two bottles of lager, Karen.
573
00:30:48,381 --> 00:30:49,341
[groans] Auch!
574
00:30:49,900 --> 00:30:50,821
Sorry.
575
00:30:51,741 --> 00:30:54,621
Just a little bit sensitive.
Must be all the excitement.
576
00:30:54,700 --> 00:30:56,141
Just gonna nip the loo.
577
00:31:09,220 --> 00:31:11,781
You might at least wait
till the lad comes back.
578
00:31:12,900 --> 00:31:15,341
Only real fundamentalists
still adhere to the notion
579
00:31:15,420 --> 00:31:17,940
that God physically created the world
in seven days.
580
00:31:18,021 --> 00:31:19,381
It's metaphorical.
581
00:31:20,220 --> 00:31:21,900
Do you know what a metaphor is?
582
00:31:21,980 --> 00:31:24,541
Don't you think
it's hypocritical of the Church
583
00:31:24,621 --> 00:31:26,700
to insist on creationism for centuries,
584
00:31:26,781 --> 00:31:29,660
only to jump
on the intelligent design bandwagon now?
585
00:31:32,781 --> 00:31:34,420
[clucking like a chicken]
586
00:31:35,621 --> 00:31:38,381
[Damien] And now you're a monkey!
587
00:31:39,141 --> 00:31:40,420
[makes monkey noises]
588
00:31:40,501 --> 00:31:43,700
[Shane] You're hypnotizing her
all the time! Hypnotize some locals!
589
00:31:43,781 --> 00:31:46,541
-[woman] You're as greasy as your hair!
-[man] Come on!
590
00:31:46,621 --> 00:31:51,621
Some people are more susceptible
to hypnotism than other people, so...
591
00:31:52,700 --> 00:31:55,220
You're fucking at it, you are.
592
00:31:57,621 --> 00:32:00,301
What about this gallant young lad?
593
00:32:00,861 --> 00:32:02,381
Yeah, that's more like it!
594
00:32:02,460 --> 00:32:04,220
[all cheering]
595
00:32:04,301 --> 00:32:06,501
And this lovely lady.
596
00:32:07,980 --> 00:32:09,341
-Me?
-[Damien] Yes.
597
00:32:09,420 --> 00:32:11,781
Come on, folks, come on. Give them a hand.
598
00:32:11,861 --> 00:32:13,141
[cheering and clapping]
599
00:32:15,301 --> 00:32:17,101
-Move it.
-What?
600
00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:18,061
Come on.
601
00:32:20,381 --> 00:32:22,581
You, little lady, are exquisite.
602
00:32:23,420 --> 00:32:27,141
Anybody can say the right words.
It's not rocket science, is it?
603
00:32:27,821 --> 00:32:29,261
Feel heavy, feel heavy.
604
00:32:31,341 --> 00:32:32,980
-[sighs]
-[Damien] Ssh!
605
00:32:33,061 --> 00:32:34,980
Right, mate, listen, I'll give you 50 quid
606
00:32:35,061 --> 00:32:37,301
if you do what I say,
and make out you're hypnotized.
607
00:32:37,381 --> 00:32:39,420
-What?
-It's a fucking scam, all right?
608
00:32:39,501 --> 00:32:42,700
I could no more hypnotize you
than pull a bunch of flowers out me arse.
609
00:32:42,781 --> 00:32:45,940
-Fifty quid, are you in or out?
-Yeah, sound.
610
00:32:46,021 --> 00:32:50,581
[inhales deeply] And... sleep!
611
00:32:53,660 --> 00:32:55,301
[applause]
612
00:32:59,061 --> 00:33:01,460
-How long are you going to keep this up?
-I'm busy.
613
00:33:03,980 --> 00:33:05,940
I'm sorry if the text was over the top,
614
00:33:06,781 --> 00:33:09,501
but it was just a joke,
try and snap you out of it.
615
00:33:10,660 --> 00:33:13,141
Look, we could go for dinner
or something, your choice.
616
00:33:13,220 --> 00:33:15,381
Don't know what you're talking about.
What text?
617
00:33:15,460 --> 00:33:16,581
The filthy one.
618
00:33:17,101 --> 00:33:20,220
You've been blanking me so much,
I thought it would break the ice.
619
00:33:20,301 --> 00:33:22,781
I haven't been blanking ya.
I've been rushed off me feet.
620
00:33:22,861 --> 00:33:24,341
And I didn't get any text.
621
00:33:26,341 --> 00:33:27,420
Recognise it?
622
00:33:29,261 --> 00:33:30,261
No.
623
00:33:30,900 --> 00:33:33,420
-So, you're not angry with me?
-Jesus, Jamie!
624
00:33:33,501 --> 00:33:36,261
You went on the tiles with a mate,
you're not Osama bin Laden.
625
00:33:36,341 --> 00:33:38,021
So, who have I sent this to, then?
626
00:33:41,341 --> 00:33:42,740
[Jamie] Oh, shit!
627
00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:46,940
[Karen giggles]
628
00:33:50,940 --> 00:33:53,700
[soft orchestral music]
629
00:34:20,700 --> 00:34:22,501
But I want your baby!
630
00:34:22,581 --> 00:34:26,501
I want to feel your seed grow inside me!
631
00:34:26,581 --> 00:34:28,981
Whoa, easy tiger!
632
00:34:29,061 --> 00:34:29,901
[people laughing]
633
00:34:33,660 --> 00:34:35,180
[man] Fucking god-awful!
634
00:34:35,260 --> 00:34:38,421
[preacher] If evolution is right,
and I'm not conceding that,
635
00:34:38,501 --> 00:34:42,581
then surely there's a guiding hand
behind it, an intelligence.
636
00:34:42,660 --> 00:34:46,860
-It can't be just chance.
-I don't accept that.
637
00:34:46,941 --> 00:34:49,660
When the black symbiote attaches itself
to Spider-Man's suit,
638
00:34:49,740 --> 00:34:52,141
it's because a meteor's crashing to Earth.
639
00:34:52,220 --> 00:34:56,340
And meteors hitting the Earth
is pure maths, not religion.
640
00:34:56,421 --> 00:34:57,581
Spider-Man isn't real!
641
00:34:57,661 --> 00:35:01,181
There's as much proof for him
as there is for God.
642
00:35:03,021 --> 00:35:05,421
[Damien] And finally,
ladies and gentlemen,
643
00:35:05,501 --> 00:35:10,701
this young man will awake and believe
he has never been hypnotized at all.
644
00:35:10,780 --> 00:35:13,141
You have seen the evidence yourselves,
645
00:35:13,221 --> 00:35:16,701
but he will believe
that I offer him 50 pounds
646
00:35:16,780 --> 00:35:18,860
to pretend he was hypnotized,
647
00:35:20,340 --> 00:35:24,061
and behave in the manner
you have all witnessed.
648
00:35:25,300 --> 00:35:27,300
[inhales deeply]
649
00:35:27,381 --> 00:35:29,181
And...
650
00:35:29,261 --> 00:35:30,141
[slaps]
651
00:35:30,221 --> 00:35:31,461
wake!
652
00:35:34,981 --> 00:35:38,421
Tell the good people, truthfully...
653
00:35:38,501 --> 00:35:41,661
Have you been hypnotized this evening?
654
00:35:41,741 --> 00:35:43,300
What, really?
655
00:35:43,381 --> 00:35:48,300
Yes, the truth, and nothing but the truth.
656
00:35:48,381 --> 00:35:50,541
Well, no.
You offered me 50 quid to pretend.
657
00:35:50,621 --> 00:35:52,421
[people cheering]
658
00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:53,901
He did!
659
00:35:56,381 --> 00:35:58,621
He's a fuckin' phoney!
660
00:36:04,381 --> 00:36:07,061
Is that a wedding ring on your finger?
661
00:36:08,780 --> 00:36:13,181
He's not the possessive type,
if that's what you're wondering.
662
00:36:17,780 --> 00:36:20,461
[Mimi] It's a good job. Were it painful?
663
00:36:20,541 --> 00:36:25,101
No. They froze it at first.
I'm only just getting the feeling back.
664
00:36:25,181 --> 00:36:28,941
So, do you see any problems
for future... you know?
665
00:36:29,021 --> 00:36:31,300
What's sauce for the goose, Stanley.
666
00:36:32,701 --> 00:36:37,661
Funny, though he seems a little lonely.
Like he's lost his friend.
667
00:36:37,741 --> 00:36:39,261
He doesn't have to be.
668
00:36:39,340 --> 00:36:41,661
They gave me it in a jar, for safekeeping.
669
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:43,061
-[gags]
-As a keepsake.
670
00:36:43,141 --> 00:36:46,421
-Ugh!
-Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny!
671
00:36:50,300 --> 00:36:51,701
[Jamie] Can I have a word?
672
00:36:51,780 --> 00:36:54,741
-Are you sure? Karen's just over there.
-Yeah, I know.
673
00:36:56,981 --> 00:37:01,221
You're a nice lad, Jamie,
but let's be honest.
674
00:37:01,300 --> 00:37:03,981
You did hit a few branches
of the ugly tree on the way down.
675
00:37:04,061 --> 00:37:07,901
Look, I appreciate your candour,
but the text message wasn't meant for you.
676
00:37:09,541 --> 00:37:13,661
Karen, Kelly
Next to each other in me address book.
677
00:37:13,741 --> 00:37:15,181
I thought Karen was angry with me,
678
00:37:15,261 --> 00:37:17,581
I was trying to give her
a bit of a giggle, that's all.
679
00:37:17,661 --> 00:37:19,501
Right.
680
00:37:19,581 --> 00:37:22,901
And I'm guessing you look like this
because you're trying to put me off?
681
00:37:22,981 --> 00:37:25,780
Very admirable, being so loyal to our kid.
682
00:37:25,860 --> 00:37:28,101
Right.
683
00:37:28,181 --> 00:37:30,581
So I can take this boot polish
off me tooth?
684
00:37:30,661 --> 00:37:33,860
Dunno. Kind of suits you.
685
00:37:33,941 --> 00:37:35,340
[chuckling]
686
00:37:36,501 --> 00:37:38,621
-[moaning and screaming]
-Fuckin' hell!
687
00:37:38,701 --> 00:37:41,101
Yeah! Ooh!
688
00:37:41,181 --> 00:37:42,701
-[Monica] Yeah!
-[Damien] Oh!
689
00:37:42,780 --> 00:37:45,501
[moaning intensely] Yeah! Oh!
690
00:37:45,581 --> 00:37:49,581
[Damien groans] Get it! Oh!
691
00:37:49,661 --> 00:37:52,261
-Oh!
-Oh, you!
692
00:37:52,340 --> 00:37:54,661
[Damien] From the first minute
I laid eyes on you.
693
00:37:54,741 --> 00:37:56,860
You're so...
694
00:37:56,941 --> 00:37:57,901
[passionately] So...
695
00:37:57,981 --> 00:37:58,941
Yeah?
696
00:37:59,021 --> 00:38:02,461
Oh, so motherly!
697
00:38:02,541 --> 00:38:03,981
What?
698
00:38:06,380 --> 00:38:09,181
So... maternal.
699
00:38:09,261 --> 00:38:11,860
The way your breasts
have fallen that little bit.
700
00:38:11,941 --> 00:38:13,701
The broadness of your hips. [panting]
701
00:38:13,780 --> 00:38:15,501
The stretch marks on your belly.
702
00:38:15,581 --> 00:38:20,581
[panting] Ooh, it's such a turn-on
to think that you grew a babby!
703
00:38:24,541 --> 00:38:25,901
Are you feeding?
704
00:38:27,461 --> 00:38:29,941
Ooh! Cos I think I could go again
if you could lactate!
705
00:38:30,021 --> 00:38:31,021
[Monica] Ah!
706
00:38:31,101 --> 00:38:33,340
[assistant knocking at door] Damien?
707
00:38:33,421 --> 00:38:34,340
-Fuck!
-[assistant] Damien?
708
00:38:34,421 --> 00:38:36,300
Oh, fuck! Shh!
709
00:38:37,461 --> 00:38:39,300
[Damien] What you doing?
710
00:38:39,380 --> 00:38:40,581
In here!
711
00:38:45,741 --> 00:38:50,741
You fucking bastard!
You promised, no more MILFs.
712
00:38:50,820 --> 00:38:57,101
To think I spend my nights
clucking like a fucking chicken for you!
713
00:38:57,181 --> 00:38:58,141
I'm sorry.
714
00:38:58,221 --> 00:38:59,581
What?
715
00:38:59,661 --> 00:39:02,741
She could never be with an 'airy guy?
716
00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:05,701
-That's what she said.
-No, I didn't, that's what she said.
717
00:39:05,780 --> 00:39:08,101
I was just repeating what he told Kelly.
718
00:39:08,181 --> 00:39:09,421
Told Kelly what?
719
00:39:09,501 --> 00:39:12,501
[stammering]
That hairy women were a turn-off.
720
00:39:12,581 --> 00:39:14,501
[Kelly] "Pig in a skirt," he said.
721
00:39:14,581 --> 00:39:17,941
He were talking about Janine.
New girl at Lillian's.
722
00:39:18,021 --> 00:39:20,661
Head of hair on her like she's caught
her piercing in a socket.
723
00:39:20,741 --> 00:39:24,901
[laughing] Looks like the love-child
of Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.
724
00:39:25,981 --> 00:39:28,741
All that fucking hair?
It's the biggest turn-off going.
725
00:39:28,820 --> 00:39:30,621
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
726
00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:32,061
Oh.
727
00:39:32,141 --> 00:39:34,340
Maybe you should concentrate
on your own relationship.
728
00:39:34,421 --> 00:39:36,340
Not exactly
bench-mark communication, is it?
729
00:39:36,421 --> 00:39:37,860
Text messages.
730
00:39:41,701 --> 00:39:44,501
I don't care if he makes a point.
You're not supposed to ask questions.
731
00:39:44,581 --> 00:39:46,181
-Night.
-Thanks for that.
732
00:39:48,820 --> 00:39:50,101
It wouldn't be appropriate.
733
00:39:51,300 --> 00:39:54,300
They might not know it,
but I'm wrong, and they're right.
734
00:39:57,061 --> 00:39:57,901
Good lad.
735
00:40:01,541 --> 00:40:03,300
You spilled something on your dress.
736
00:40:27,300 --> 00:40:28,300
Good night?
737
00:40:31,380 --> 00:40:32,421
Not particularly.
738
00:40:36,941 --> 00:40:39,141
I do try, Monica.
739
00:40:41,820 --> 00:40:44,300
-Best as I'm able.
-I know.
740
00:40:46,261 --> 00:40:49,300
I mean, sometimes you know, I lash out,
741
00:40:50,701 --> 00:40:53,541
get me defense in before the attack comes.
742
00:40:55,221 --> 00:40:56,581
I might
743
00:40:59,501 --> 00:41:02,340
misjudge it... on occasion.
744
00:41:07,021 --> 00:41:08,101
I'm sorry.
745
00:41:12,741 --> 00:41:13,621
I know.
746
00:41:26,541 --> 00:41:27,621
Whatever it is,
747
00:41:29,300 --> 00:41:30,741
don't let it swamp you, Mon.
748
00:41:32,701 --> 00:41:33,741
I won't.
749
00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:37,421
Frank,
750
00:41:38,941 --> 00:41:40,221
can you just
751
00:41:41,421 --> 00:41:42,501
hold me.
752
00:41:46,780 --> 00:41:48,061
Please?
753
00:42:04,541 --> 00:42:05,901
[both sighing]
754
00:42:09,621 --> 00:42:12,340
[chuckles] Stop poking me in the back!
755
00:42:13,181 --> 00:42:14,340
I'm not poking you.
756
00:42:16,780 --> 00:42:18,701
I've got the horn, that's all.
757
00:42:28,941 --> 00:42:31,941
I am gonna ride you
758
00:42:33,380 --> 00:42:36,541
till you cry, Frank Gallagher.
759
00:42:37,181 --> 00:42:38,300
Fair enough.
760
00:42:40,380 --> 00:42:42,061
[both moan]
761
00:42:46,221 --> 00:42:48,581
-[Joe groaning]
-[Mandy] Wait, get a condom!
762
00:42:48,661 --> 00:42:50,300
No, I'm not coming. My nipple stings.
763
00:42:50,380 --> 00:42:51,981
Ahh! Mmm!
764
00:42:57,901 --> 00:43:00,340
[Mandy and Joe moaning]
765
00:43:02,941 --> 00:43:05,941
Do you think they're humping,
or dressing each other's wounds?
766
00:43:06,021 --> 00:43:07,261
Dunno.
767
00:43:09,181 --> 00:43:10,661
I know.
768
00:43:11,421 --> 00:43:12,941
No, I need to get off.
769
00:43:13,021 --> 00:43:15,860
Feels like you're scrubbing my muff
with steel wool.
770
00:43:17,741 --> 00:43:18,941
[both laugh]
771
00:43:19,541 --> 00:43:21,101
I've learnt my lesson, though.
772
00:43:21,701 --> 00:43:24,780
What? Don't interfere
in other people's love lives?
773
00:43:24,860 --> 00:43:26,181
Fuck, no!
774
00:43:26,820 --> 00:43:29,300
That's one of the few true pleasures
left to a woman.
775
00:43:31,261 --> 00:43:32,780
So what's the lesson?
776
00:43:34,141 --> 00:43:36,501
Buy ear-plugs
when Mandy's got a bloke over.
777
00:43:36,581 --> 00:43:37,981
[Mandy] Ohh!
778
00:43:39,421 --> 00:43:40,780
[both giggling and groaning]
779
00:43:49,101 --> 00:43:50,780
Do you wanna shag?
780
00:43:50,860 --> 00:43:52,820
-Drown out the noise?
-Yeah.
781
00:43:54,021 --> 00:43:57,141
-[groans]
-Oh, no, no! You're too hairy!
782
00:43:57,221 --> 00:43:58,941
-No! Get off me!
-[Jamie laughs]
783
00:44:04,581 --> 00:44:07,780
So, what is it you've got to tell me
in such a rush?
784
00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,741
What the fuck are you doing?
785
00:44:09,820 --> 00:44:11,261
Sorry.
786
00:44:11,340 --> 00:44:13,581
I thought... I mean...
787
00:44:13,661 --> 00:44:16,061
Stuff it!
You should enjoy the view while you can.
788
00:44:16,141 --> 00:44:19,701
-How you mean?
-I'm expecting.
789
00:44:19,780 --> 00:44:24,860
Don't worry, it's not yours.
You're good, but you're not that good.
790
00:44:24,941 --> 00:44:26,981
I'm 12 weeks gone.
791
00:44:27,061 --> 00:44:29,340
More's the pity. I liked you.
792
00:44:29,421 --> 00:44:32,661
-So, what have you got to tell me?
-It's not important.
793
00:44:35,820 --> 00:44:39,421
He's a lucky bloke, you know,
this baby's dad.
794
00:44:39,501 --> 00:44:41,380
Yeah. He is.
795
00:44:48,421 --> 00:44:50,741
[crows crowing]
796
00:44:54,181 --> 00:44:56,541
[footsteps approaching]
797
00:45:08,981 --> 00:45:10,181
How are you?
798
00:45:17,261 --> 00:45:20,300
[Monica] There was a young woman
from Chatsworth
799
00:45:20,380 --> 00:45:24,541
Who had dreams, ambitions and other stuff
800
00:45:24,621 --> 00:45:28,860
But she lost her good cheer
and ended up here
801
00:45:28,941 --> 00:45:31,701
So she could probably just do
what she wants now
802
00:45:31,780 --> 00:45:35,860
And look after herself,
cos every other bastard does
803
00:45:35,941 --> 00:45:39,541
I know it don't rhyme,
but poems don't have to, do they?
804
00:45:39,621 --> 00:45:41,380
Not these days.
805
00:45:41,461 --> 00:45:42,741
[The "James Bond Theme" plays]
806
00:46:03,380 --> 00:46:04,221
[Frank] Oh!
807
00:46:04,300 --> 00:46:05,741
[The "James Bond Theme" ends]
808
00:46:46,461 --> 00:46:47,621
Enough?
809
00:46:47,701 --> 00:46:50,141
More. I'm doubling up from now on.
89512
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