All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s08e11 Dick and Dottie

You know, I'd be happy to play another
one. How about the heckle -jeckle jive?

Hey, I've got a new idea.

Yo -Yo Ma closed the show yesterday with
a sonata. What if we wait and let you

close today's show with your little
song? Audience, wouldn't you like Frank

close our show? Huh?

Frank, I guess it's true what they say.
You are one horny corn blower.

Whoops, sorry. I mean one corny horn
blower.

Now, Tim. Yes? A little bird tells me
that you are quite the accomplished

woodworker. Oh, accomplished hardly.

It's probably safer to say I dabble. Oh,
I see. So what you're saying is... Oh,

no. A little dabble, do you?

So great having these two fellas on the
show, huh?

I just wish... Oh.

What? Never mind.

I just wish what?

Okay, why does Murphy hate me?

Hate you, Murphy?

Yes, I mean, after what she said about
me. Oh, you know our Murphy. But in

regard to my woodworking... What was it,
darling? What did she pay you back for?

Oh, it was nothing.

really. I'm sorry I brought it up. Well,
I'm not.

Jackie, think you can wake up and roll
that clip?

Oh, Dick, now you're not going to run
that clip, are you? Of course I'm not.

Heck, I'm not. Jackie, let her rip.

You've tried your hand at so many
different things over the course of your

Olympic athlete, test pilot,
congresswoman.

I mean, we're not going to turn on the
TV one day and find you swapping angel

food cake recipes with Dottie Wilcox or
anything, are we?

So, why did Murphy say that? What did
she mean?

It was a slam.

That's what it was.

Oh, my.

You sounded like a slam -a -lam -a -ding
-dong to me.

Audience, what did you think? Did Murphy
slam me?

No,

no, no. You see, I agree with Jim. There
really wasn't...

How about a little heckle -deckle, John?

Oh, no.

It's all my fault, isn't it, Jim? Great
show, really. Nice stuff.

You didn't watch it, did you, Murph? Of
course I didn't. You played the heckle

-jeckle -jive, and Jim told that story
about the night Eric Severide sat on the

doorstep. I didn't play the heckle
-jeckle -jive. I didn't tell my Severide

story.

Oh.

So, I missed your big appearance on the
Dinky and Dopey show. So what happened?

You stuffed Aspik in the Gucci? I'm
sorry, I missed that. What happened? Oh,

just the usual.

Um, Dottie said how much you hated her
guts, and then the audience almost

us. Look what they did to my birdhouse.

She said I hated her? How could I hate
her? I don't even know her. Of course, I

don't know that couple in those coffee
commercials either, and I hate them.

Well, it appears you know her well
enough to have made a crack about her

your interview last week. What crack?

Angel food cake.

Oh, that?

That's what she's all hot and bothered
about?

Yes. And that giggling dick is none too
happy either.

Hello, FYI.

Lose this sack, Fontana. This is an
office, not when you're after our hippie

clubs.

Murphy, just the person I wanted to see.
Hi, Sam. What's up?

Dottie thinks you hate her guts.

Oh, geez, not you, too.

All right, let me just say for the
record, it was a totally innocent

She's blowing this way out of
proportion.

Murphy, I don't think you know how I
feel about our highly rated Dick and

show. I'm addicted to it.

Why, just last Thursday, I learned that
you can get even the toughest fruit

stains out of your clothes by simply
running scalding water through them.

Montana, did you know that?

Even blueberries?

Even blueberries?

And how about that dick?

How does he keep coming up with those
witty puns, horny corn blower?

It's the mystery of genius, Stan. And
though I am a sucker for that rascal's

nimble wordplay, it's not dick who has
millions of housewives glued to their

sets. Dick's a punster, a punster you
can replace with a relative.

It's Dottie Murphy.

Dottie is the show.

Uh -huh. So, what you're saying is that
you're willing to be dickless, but you

refuse to be Donald.

Don't think I don't know what you just
said.

But the point is, I can't have my two
top stars feuding publicly.

It's debasing. Well, there's no feud
here. Besides, if you want to talk about

debasing, I find these network theme
nights like No Bra Thursdays debasing.

Then you're going to hate full frontal
Friday.

Murphy, there are four people in our
business that you do not feud with.

Carson, Oprah Winfrey, the couch critic
Jeff Jarvis. That man is a bottomless

pit of hate.

And above all, the angel of the
afternoon, Dottie Wilcox.

So I would appreciate it if you would go
and apologize to her.

Apologize? Are you out of your mind?

Is she being this fresh to everyone
today, or is it just me?

Mr. Lansing.

Silverberg, do you know about this?

This? I... sure.

What are we going to do about it?

Well, I guess... maybe we could... maybe
we could rent something.

Rent?

color should it be?

Green.

Murphy,

you'll meet Dottie tomorrow afternoon
for lunch at Phil's and you will make

happy. Forget it, Sam. I'm not sucking
up.

Lunch.

Phil's. Happy.

Jeff.

Get together? You really didn't have to
do this.

Oh, yeah, I did. I really did.

When was the last time we saw each
other?

Gee, I don't know.

It must have been... Have we ever
actually seen each other? Oh, you.

Now, it wasn't the Kennedy Center Honors
or the opening of the Picasso exhibit.

And something tells me it wasn't Newt
Gingrich's pool party.

1993. We met at Ben Bradley's house? Uh
-huh. Oh, you looked so beautiful in

that off -white Armani pantsuit and
those gorgeous black pumps.

Hey, what ever happened to your
neighbor, Mr.

Swenson? I still can't believe he pruned
that tree that was so clearly on your

property. But you can't pick your
neighbors, huh?

yours.

Oh, Murphy, it's so sweet of you to ask.

It's fine, thank you.

Oh, I know you must think it's silly to
be so emotionally involved in a beat -up

old Chrysler, but it's the only thing I
have to remember my granny by.

Gee, I hope we can find the table. It's
a little crowded, but I'm sure if we

come over... Well, look who's here!

It's always a pleasure to see you,
Dottie. Thank you. Oh, hi, Murphy.

I was just telling the syndicated gossip
maven Liz Smith and the veteran Daily

Variety columnist Armie Orchard here
about how Murphy and Dottie were such

friends. And here we run across the two
of you laughing like friends and having

lunch together like friends would have
in the way friends do things.

Yeah, what are the odds?

No, they're actually...

Closer than friends. They're like
sisters.

Sisters who never fight, but sometimes
talk on the air about fighting. I don't

see your pencil moving, Armie.

Would you like to join us? There's
plenty of room.

Oh, we wouldn't interrupt.

You pals have to talk. Liz, why don't
you take a load off?

Don't order something. It's on me.

I don't know, but it looked like Murphy
had something very important to say to

you, so I'll just vamoose.

Okay, enjoy your lunch.

So, Captain Wright, did you have
something you wanted to say to me?

Okay, yeah, well, I guess.

I'm all ears.

I just wanted to say that I was... You

know, sort of... Sorry.

I have something for you.

What's this?

A friendship gift from me to you.

Oh.

Wow, it's beautiful.

Do you like it? Do you really like it?

It's beautiful. I don't know why I don't
have it. Murphy, I have that thing you

told me to hold for you. You know, the
thing that you were going to give to...

Oh, it's gold!

Murphy, that is so sweet.

I just love it.

I'm sorry, but I feel another hug coming
on.

They're hugging again. Did you see that?
Good.

We have to go. I feel that simple
shepherd is going to call me to tell me

happy she is about her new hit show on
Sunday night with Christine Baranski.

Say, would you guys like to listen in?

But we didn't eat.

Couldn't we order something?

Murphy. Oh, you were late, so I went
ahead and ordered. Phil, can I have some

aluminum foil so I can take this to go?

Okay, but the ambiance is half the
experience.

Murphy, I want you to know that I
consider the air between us to be

clear. Uh -huh. Yeah, well, now that the
air is clear, can you just help me out

with that ketchup there?

And, you know, what happened between us
was sort of inevitable, you know? I

mean, two busy, strong -willed...

up against each other the way we do,
huh?

Yeah, well, we are busy, and now that
we've got all that clean air, well...

Oh, say no more, Murphy. I've oodles of
things I need to get done. Not the least

of which is I have to shoot a show.

Oh, Murphy.

Promise me we'll do this again real
soon.

Yeah,

we will.

Nick at night.

Hi, Merv.

How'd your lunch with Dottie go?

I felt dirty and alone.

Ah, so you apologized after all. Wise
choice.

Humiliating. Went down there, I sucked
up, I gave her money.

You gave her money?

Yeah, it's a long story. It's over now.
I just don't think there's a whole

stupid thing behind me.

Murphy, I just heard Dottie's talking
about you on her show. Well, what do you

know? I guess I made an even bigger
impression on her than I thought.

I just don't understand it, Dick.

Why does Murphy have this animosity
toward me, and why does she have to

it in such a petty and hurtful way?

What? I don't know, Dottie. Words for
once elude me. What the hell are they

talking about?

Oh, gosh. I hope I'm not making more of
this than I should.

Excuse me?

You just turn around, young lady, and
you show the whole world what that mean

old Murphy Brown did to our little
Dottie. No, Dick, really. Oh, yes,

Could you? What?

You see handprints on her back and you
automatically assume I did that to her?

Why would you think that?

Because you've done that to me!

Am I wrong or does Murphy have a problem
she just can't get past?

I want to be fair about this.

So, audience, let's hear from you.
Remember, the number is 1 -900 -555

It's 90 cents a call, so kids, ask Mom
before you dial the phone yourself.

All right, that's it.

What are you going to do, Murph? I'm
going down there to that thick and

show and give that... All right, we'll
call in to the station and see if we can

at least get you up into double digits.
I'm with you, old man. Come along for

me. All right, but it's my 90 cents. I'm
not going to make any promises how I'm

going to vote.

Don, you were terrific in Cannonball
Run. You know what I love best about

movie? What?

Everything.

After you and Mel Brooks did Final
Movie, your next film was, um...

The End.

Hello, Earth to Dottie.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know why you just don't stand up
right now and leave the set. You are so

here for me, and I am so not here for
you. Are you kidding? After what you've

been through?

I mean, I think you're a... Don't you
think she's a trooper? Yeah. A trooper!

I'll tell you what. Why don't we do the
short commercial, and I will try to get

my acting gear, and then we'll come
back, and you'll show us some of your

-minute recipe.

Don't go away, because that would be a
dumb thing to do.

Ouch.

Oh, Dottie.

Murphy.

I just knew you would come.

What the hell is your problem?

Do you think I wanted to hug you in the
first place? I would never voluntarily

stick my head in that toxic cloud of
Chanel No. 5 that follows you around.

So, you're not here to apologize.

Oh, yeah. I'll apologize as soon as you
apologize for this crappy little show of

yours and your crappy little sidekick
dick a dumb thing to do.

Okay, fine.

I'm glad you expressed yourself.

Now I know the personality I'm dealing
with, and...

I certainly know that I did everything I
could do.

Goodbye, Murphy.

Yeah, yeah. Out of my way, Bluto.

And we're back. Hey, guys, you'll never
guess who just dropped by for a visit.

The Pope?

Elvis? Mother Teresa?

Tell me, please, I've got to know. I'll
pay you.

Murphy Brown.

What?

You mean to tell me that that woman had
the nerve to show her face here?

Well, did she at least apologize?

No. As a matter of fact, she called the
show a word that has a C, an R, two Ps,

and a Y.

Oh, my God.

No, no.

Nobody worry.

I'm going to take my issue, which in
this case is my friendship with Murphy

Brown, and I'm going to put it in a
little box.

And then I'm going to take that little
box.

No. Gosh darn it. I'm not a... quitter.
I never have been. We're going to settle

this. Murphy Brown, you get your fanny
up here.

Audience, should we get Murphy up here?

Yeah.

Yes. Come on, Murphy.

Come on.

Audience,

how about this? Murphy's agreed to talk
with us. Huh?

Oh, Dom, honey, would you speak to him a
little bit? Thanks. Murphy?

You two together on the same set, it's a
good thing I wore a cup this morning.

I'd like to propose that we end our
rivalry right now, this very moment.

you say?

Our rivalry?

There's no rivalry.

No rivalry?

Oh, Murphy, really?

First I have a baby, then you have a
baby, then I do the working mother

then you do the working mother thing,
then I have my implants taken out, then

you have your implants taken out. Wait a
minute.

My implant's taken out. I never had to
put in in the first place.

Didn't take them out, didn't put them
in. Which is it, Murphy?

Shut up, dick.

So what do you think about this, Dom?

Oh, I thought we were going to cook
something.

We will, but this is important.

Well, then, Dolly, I side with you.

You know, I'll tell you why. Because
Bert and I, Bert Reynolds and I, had the

same problem.

It really almost ruined our friendship.
You're kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

Isn't that weird?

I bought a big massaging chair.

Bert bought a big massaging chair. I
opened a dinner theater in Florida.

Bert opened a dinner theater in Florida.

I got the shingles one time. He didn't.
But we talked about it.

And we kept the lines of communication
open. And I say, why don't you give it a

chance, Murphy? What have you got to
lose?

I mean, we're not rivals. And to say
that we are implies that I have even the

slightest idea of who you are and what
you do. And you know what? I don't.

Murphy, please.

You invited me out to lunch. You gave me
a gift. You asked me about my car.

You did? You didn't tell me that.

Your granny's car?

Woof.

Okay.

Okay. You win. I give up.

I followed your career very closely.
We're bitter rivals, and I'm incredibly

jealous of your success. Can I go now?

Oh, dear me.

What a woman, huh?

To admit on national television that her
behavior was petty and hateful.

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything about being petty
or hateful. I mean, that ketchup thing

was just an accident, and that thing on
FYI was just a reference.

I mean, I could have put any name in
there. I could have put, you know, Fran

Drescher. Oh, dear.

And I thought we were making progress.

Oh, come on, Dottie. You've never said
anything you didn't mean?

No.

I forgot. You're perfect. Dick, you talk
a lot.

You've never said something about Dottie
that you didn't mean?

I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, sure you do. I mean, let's say

you're having dinner with friends and
they ask about Dottie and you say

something that could be interpreted a
couple of different ways, something that

if Dottie heard, she wouldn't be too
happy about.

I told you, I don't know what you're
talking about.

Dick, go ahead and answer Murphy's
question.

Yeah, Dick, go ahead.

Well, sure, maybe once I said something
not so...

Nice about Dottie.

You did? What did you say?

Oh, nothing, really. It was just... You
talked to Don Knotts, didn't you? That

little pup told me I could trust him.

What did you say?

Yeah, Dick, what did you say? Remember
what Dom just told you? Always keep the

line of communication... Shut up, Dom.

Look, Dottie, maybe once, a long time
ago, I sort of called you the B -word.

Well, well, well.

But, Dottie, please, that was a long,
long time ago.

My marriage was on the rocks, and, you
know, I was hitting the sauce pretty

back then.

But that does not make it right.

No, no, it doesn't. In fact, I'll bet,
Dottie, you're pretty angry with Dick

right now, aren't you? Why don't you
share with us? Audience, don't you want

Dottie to share?

I have nothing to share.

Nothing? No, but...

It does make me regret that we didn't go
with Omar Sharif as my co -host.

Oh, great. I'm sure everyone would have
tuned in to see the Omar and Dottie

show.

I could cook something now. Shut up.

Oh,

I know you've got a lot of words. You've
got a mouth that goes like...