All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s08e02 The Awful Truth

Miles, give me your strength, man.

Our show, The Next Wave, it's gone.

Canceled. Finito.

Gone.

I know.

And you're not devastated?

Not really. Running two shows was
starting to wear me down.

Great. I was just carrying on for your
benefit.

You know, I get paid the same way to my
butts behind an anchor desk in D .C. or

on a beach chair in Cabo.

Hey, Corky.

You should try the Caymans.

That's where Corky and I got married.

Been there, done that, bought the
soundtrack.

No, I'm looking to... Rewind.

You and Corky are married?

Uh -huh.

Well, Corky, I don't get it. You won't
sleep with me, but you go and hit the

sheets with mine?

Oh, Miller, don't take it personally.

I'm not sleeping with him either.

You know, we really don't have to
advertise that to everybody.

So you're married, but you're not
sleeping together.

Boy, Miles, I got to not have sex with
her, and all I had to do was buy her

dinner.

Frank, I walked into the bookstore, and
there it was. A floor -to -ceiling

pyramid of Newt Gingrich books. Sounds
like a nightmare.

No, no, no. It wasn't, actually, because
if you yank just the right one, you can

make the whole thing come crashing down
and wipe out a Rush Limbaugh book

signing to boot.

Hello, FYI.

Hello. Mr.

Lansing. You all know my nephew, Andrew.

Hello, FYI.

So, Mr. Lansing, what brings you down to
our chief to produce yet very

respectably rated news magazine?

Well, I have an official announcement to
make. As of today, you will all be

reporting to young Andrew here.

He is my new vice president of current
affairs.

Affairs, huh, Stan?

Yours or the network's?

Was that some sly pun about the alleged
infidelities that ripped apart my

marriage, Fontana?

Well, was it, Fontana?

Because I find it amusing.

I mean, who likes a man who can't laugh
at himself?

That was a good one, Frankie. It gave us
all a nice big chuckle.

Never touch them.

Since he was handpicked by me, I'm sure
you will all treat him with the respect

that he deserves.

Jim! Yes, Stan?

Nothing, I just couldn't remember your
name there for a second.

Andrews, give him hell! Whatever you
say, Uncle Stan.

Well, it must be a little bit odd for
you people to have me as your boss.

Really? I don't see why.

Well, when I worked here before as Miss
Brown's secretary, you all hated me.

Frank even thought I tried to kill him.

Miss Brown!

Hello, Andrew.

Quite the quick ride up the corporate
ladder, I see. Oh, thank you, Miss

But I wouldn't be here if it weren't for
you. And, of course, my uncle's

shameless nepotism.

I assure you, though, your kindness will
not go unrewarded. If you'll take a

peek into your office, I think you'll be
pleased at what you see.

Okay.

Maria Shriver's not bound and gagged in
there or anything, is she?

Would you like her to be? No.

Checking.

Andrew. A new computer with CD -ROM and
a color laser printer.

So that's what was in those big boxes.

I am impressed.

I'm nearly trying to repay a debt.

I only hope I can do it within my
lifetime.

Hmm, I wonder who those could be for.

Say, Andrew, I was thinking maybe you
and I should do lunch one of these days.

You know, just get reacquainted.

Lunch. That's cute, Frankie.

Real cute.

For every parent who's ever... Oh,
great. Just put it right there between

espresso machine and the hydro foot
massager 2000.

Andrew gave you a foot massager? Yep, an
electric one with tiny vibrating knobs

that make the world disappear with the
flick of a switch.

Boy, isn't it great to have a friend
upstairs?

Andrew is not a friend.

Andrew is a spawn.

A spawn from the fiery bowels of hell.

Shave that weird little hat of his and
you know you'll find a 666 on it

somewhere.

I wonder what you all are. You're...
You're cynics. Always looking for the

in people. Me, I'm... I'm an optimist. I
just see the best in everyone.

You've been using that foot lube as you
haven't, you know.

Yeah, I have.

Miss Brown, may I have a word? Oh,
Andrew, listen. Thank you for the gifts.

Especially the Hydro 2000.

Oh, aren't those vibrating knobs just
heaven?

Andrew, what was it you wanted to say?
Because I already left a message with

your secretary.

I'm size 8 in Armani, emeralds bring out
my eyes, and I've been to Paris, but

I'd love to go back.

Actually, Miss Brown, it pains me to
even hear these words leave my mouth,

have a huge, huge favor to ask you. Here
it comes. Payback time.

You know, Frank, there's a bureau job
opening in one of those crazy Middle

Eastern countries.

Interested?

As I was saying, Miss Brown, I have a
favor to ask you, but the word no even

crosses your lips and this whole thing
is deader than disco.

My uncle wants to launch another news
hour and he wants you on it.

He wants me to do a second show?

Oh, I know. Who needs the headache?

I mean, sure, Dan Rather does it. Diane
Sawyer and a dozen people much less

talented than you. I mean, here's their
talent.

And here's your talent.

Let's face it, this type of long -form
documentary -style journalism went out

years ago.

Long -form documentary?

Hmm, that's interesting.

Of course, that would be a lot of work.

Hmm, that's what I told Uncle Stan.

But then I got to thinking, maybe we
could pair you with someone.

But who?

Who would have the kind of stature to
share a desk with you?

Well, it is a sparse field when you look
at it.

Of course, the name Cronkite came to
mind.

Cronkite?

Trust me, Andrew, the chances of
Cronkite returning to this network are

great as Pat Buchanan twirling the baton
at a gay pride parade.

Well, then he must have been lying when
he said to my uncle he would love to

work with you.

He said that?

Really?

But what am I thinking? If you're
worried about too much responsibility,

getting stuck with some wrinkled -up old
has -been going to help? Actually, if

you're looking for someone to do a show
with Cronkite... I'm sorry. Were we

having a conversation?

You know, Andrew, it is asking an awful
lot of me. And I

mean an awful lot. But I just might be
able to help you out and be part of

Brown Cronkite Report.

Don't tease me.

I'm not.

Don't tease me.

I'll do it, Andrew.

Oh, there must be an angel missing in
heaven, Miss Brown, because you are here

on Earth.

How can I ever thank you?

Um, well, there is the shiatsu thing I
saw in a catalog. It will be in your

office tomorrow. Oh, my uncle will be so
pleased.

Let's see what those other vice
presidents had to write about me in the

executive washroom now, dirty -mouthed
little cowards.

Miss Brown, hi.

Andrew?

Listen, there's a slight problem with
Walter.

Oh, well, he wouldn't go for the title,
huh?

Well, that's no biggie.

I can live with the crime. Kite Brown
reported by now, too.

Actually, Miss Brown, he backed out.

What?

Walter backed out?

Oh, I know I've let you down, Miss
Brown, but I have already conducted an

exhaustive search for a replacement, and
I think we can consider ourselves

lucky. Yeah?

Extremely lucky.

Well, so who are we talking about here?
Mike Wallace?

Uh, unavailable.

Ed Bradley?

Contract problem.

Connie Trump?

Not quite ready to do the pairing thing
again.

Who'd you guess?

Hey there, anchor buddy.

You've got to be kidding.

Okay, I know this isn't exactly what we
discussed, but Uncle Stan really wants

this to happen. Well, then he better
call the show 60 Seconds, because that's

about how long it'll take for me to kill
Blondie here.

You know, if she doesn't want to do the
show with me, I don't want to do the

show with her.

Hey, listen, why don't you team me with
one of those sexy headline news chicks?

Or what about that glib guy from French?
He's good.

Why don't you go buy yourself a candy
bar?

Sorry, but you don't get rid of Miller
Redfield that easily.

Here's a dollar.

Okay, then.

So what I'm hearing is you won't even
consider doing a show with Miller. Not

even if the show involved whacking him
with a stick.

Well, that's clear, and all I can say is
thank God.

Why? I told Uncle Stan this was a bad
idea, but it's like he was crazy.

I'm afraid for my Uncle Miss Brown.

He's old.

Sometimes he talks, and there's no one
there.

Are you saying Stan's senile?

Shh.

Stockholders.

Truth be told, Miss Brown, my loyalties
are with you. You, you, you.

And if that means calling my uncle and
interrupting his vacation, then so be

Bartender, bring me a phone!

I'm sorry, Sonny.

You must be confusing me with someone
who doesn't have a bat with a spike in

behind his bar.

May I borrow the phone, please, sir?

Of course.

Hello, Honolulu Hilton?

Yes. Room 617, please.

Mahalo.

Uncle Stan?

Yes, it's Andrew.

Oh, I'm sorry to have woken you, sir.

Yes, my mother taught me how to tell
time.

Listen, I'm here with Murphy, and I've
just run the Redfield scenario by her,

and I'm afraid it's a no -go.

I know it's important to you, sir, but
I'm afraid I'm going to have to fight

with her on this one.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Excellent. Well, I think that's the way
to go.

Well, that sounded good. So what did he
say? He says if you don't do it, I'm

fired.

Where is he? Where is he? Did I miss
Cronkite? We all missed him, Frank. He's

not doing the show.

Lansing wants to replace him with
Miller.

It went from Cronkite to Miller?

Man, Max thinks it sounded like such a
great opportunity.

It certainly did.

But she can't do a show with Miller. I
mean, Miller's talent is here.

And Murphy's talent is here.

You know, you put the two of them
together, she would blow him right off

set. And where would that leave her?

Starring in a whole news hour all by
herself.

What are you saying, Frank? That this
might actually be a blessing in

Could be.

Really? You think so?

It would be pretty amazing, Murph.

Miller self -destructs, and you know he
will. You'll have your own show.

Hmm. The Murphy Brown Report.

It says smart, incisive, essential
viewing.

It sort of does, doesn't it?

Too bad it will never happen. Why not?

Oh, please.

I wouldn't let you debase yourself by
appearing with that puff pastry.

Not even for the four or three or even
one show it would take to prove to my

uncle that you would be better off
without Miller.

A show? Ha!

I'd be surprised if we even got through
the first rehearsal.

In fact, this might be the thing that
finally drives that nitwit off the

network. Ooh, how devilishly clever.

You're giving me chills.

Call your uncle, Andrew. Tell him I'll
do it. Thank you, Miss Brown. Your

kindness leaves me speechless. I would
kiss you if I wasn't convinced it would

be horribly uncomfortable for both of
us. It would, wouldn't it?

I thought so.

In an ongoing effort. I told you, Miss
Brown, this walkthrough might be a tad

premature. We go on the air in two days,
Andrew. Don't you think I ought to see

the set? Of course you should.

Would you stop all the noise, please?
Miss Brown wants to see the set.

Now, we start the show right here with
you and Miller doing intros behind a

couple of podiums. I wouldn't nail his
to the floor, if you know what I mean.

Hey, be careful, you oafs. That's a $6
,000 sofa.

I got it for four.

A sofa on a hard news show?

I know, it's not the conventional
choice, but it does make the viewer feel

home. It says, hello, welcome to our
show.

Won't you sit down and make yourself
comfortable?

Mr. Lansing, here's the copy for
Miller's segment on the hot new comedies

CBS. Isn't that sort of blatantly self
-promotional?

Oh, no.

It's a very critical look at the hot new
comedies on CBS.

Now, here's something I think you'll
really like, and what's this?

Tough trivia of our times? I don't
remember discussing this.

Well, it's a last -minute edition.

You and Miller ask the audience hard
questions about the news.

Who won the 1980 election?

Reagan. When the scandal brought down
the Nixon administration?

Watergate. Who won World War II?

We did.

Who wrote these questions? Forrest Gump?

Well, the audience won't have the
answers right in front of them.

Besides, research shows that people feel
happy and smart when they can answer

questions correctly.

Research shows people like free money
and public executions, but that doesn't

mean we have to give it to them.

Besides, wouldn't it be a little jarring
going from all these puff pieces to my

indictment of the lack of health care
for low -income families?

Well, there are those who thought that
your piece sounded like a bit of a

downer, so we're going to change it to
show number two or three.

What? I worked like hell on that piece.
I can't find another half -hour story by

our air date.

Not to worry, we've got a great
solution.

An in -depth interview with... Linda
Carter!

Linda Carter?

Linda Wonder Woman Carter?

I am not happy, Andrew.

I'm definitely not happy.

Well, frankly, my dear, I don't give a
damn.

What the hell is this?

They're our costumes for the promos,
aren't they, I guess?

You know, the network is rerunning
Scarlet, and Andrew thought it might

a fun tie -in. Hey, listen, have you
heard our new music yet? Rollo, can you

roll the theme song?

Holy son of a... What planet are you on?
I signed up to do a

serious news hour with Walter Cronkite,
and now suddenly I'm stuck with a

confederacy of dunces here interviewing
Wonder Woman. on some foofy set wearing

some cheesy old costumes left over from
a Carol Burnett show skit.

Let me tell you something, Junior. I'll
be clinking Coke cans with Clarence

Thomas before I do this infotainment
crap.

I've got the fix.

What if we switch costumes?

Cut out, Rhett.

Oh, this is all my fault, Miss Brown.

Uncle Stan insisted on these changes and
I was just too weak to say no.

Oh, curse my wretched weakness.

Well, I will be party to this travesty
no longer.

I'm calling my uncle right now. He can
fire me if he wants. Yeah, well, make it

snappy.

Hello, room 617, please.

Yeah, yeah, mahalo.

Hello, Uncle Stan?

It's Andrew.

Listen, about Miss Brown's new show,
forget the changes. We're going back to

original concept.

No, you listen to me.

Uh -huh.

Yes.

Well, you have a point. It's a good
point. I don't think so. He's in one of

the... No, no, no!

The time will be 3 .23 and 20 seconds.

I can explain.

Uncle Stan!

What the hell are you doing? You don't
barge in on a man when he's taking a

schvitz. Tell me, Uncle Stan. She's gone
crazy.

Murphy crazy?

Yes. Word on the street is she's hitting
the hooch again.

See what I mean? She's crazy to the loo.
Should I call security?

Another one barging in here. What is
this, bring a friend to the schvitz day?

So Stan's in Hawaii, huh? What the hell
is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on, Stan.
Your new VP promised me an hour show

Walter Cronkite just so he could sucker
me into an infotainment show with Miller

Redfield.

God, it's hot in here.

And he's not even sweating.

What species are you?

Is this true, Andrew?

Well, I do have very fine pores.

About the show. The show was all
Murphy's idea.

Don't deny it. It was all you. You, you,
you.

Oh, yeah. Like I'm really going to put
myself in a hoop skirt.

See what I mean? Hoop skirt.

Andrew.

it was all me.

Me, me, me.

But why, Andrew? Why would you do such a
thing?

I wanted to show you I could be a good
network vice president.

The only good network vice president is
a dead network vice president.

But when was I going to know about this?
Was I going to see it on television?

What other surprises do you have for me?

You'll find Murder, She Wrote on
Thursdays this year.

That's Thursday.

That's a good one.

He's a comedian.

I'm sorry, Miss Brown. I guess I did a
bad thing.

A bad thing?

Aztec human sacrifice was a bad thing.
This was inexcusable.

I was just trying to make a name for
myself. I thought that if I could get

someone of your enormous magnitude on a
show that I created, well, what bigger

coup could there be?

Well, I can't argue with your logic, but
still.

This is nice.

You understand him, he understands you.
Yes, I will take him out in the woodshed

and spank his tushy for what he did. And
we can become one big happy family

again. And I can get back to having a
solo schvitz. Please.

But there's still the question of the
show.

What? question. I hate it. She doesn't
want to do it.

Besides, Miller and Murphy, I don't see
it. Aha!

So this is where you are. Oh, good,
another one. Maybe there are some people

down in the counting who haven't seen me
naked.

You know, there's a whole crew waiting
for us, and these clothes are getting

really itchy.

So take them off. You look like Ted
Turner at a CNN costume party.

Oh, yeah? Well, you look like Jane Fonda
at a CNN costume party.

If she forgot to wear a costume.

born like this, or did they have to pump
the air into your head?

First of all, it wasn't my head, it was
my lips. And it wasn't air, it was

collagen.

Wait a minute!

This banter, now I see it.

Moonlighting meets primetime live.

Andrew, you're a visionary.

Forget about it! You're not gonna team
me up with this idiot?

Hey, hey, hey, I resent that.

By the way, has anyone else noticed
how...

Hot and steamy it is in this funny
little office.

Why don't you go down to maintenance and
find out what's wrong?

Okay, Chief.

And Murphy, if you don't do this, you'll
regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but
soon and for the rest of your life.

Where's the wanker, you twit?

Unlike my nephew, I am not going to try
to snow you.

I mean, how could I? I've been in this
room 40 minutes. I'm lucky that my heart

is still beating.

To stick you two on an entertainment
show truly is the stupidest idea to come

down the pipe since they canceled
Laverne and Shirley.

But Miller, he does bring in viewers.
And you are much too valuable to only do

one show. Do you think people really are
seeing as much of you as they'd like?

Well, not according to America Online.

So, why don't we forget the costume crap
and do a serious news show?

You can do those long, boring stories
that get you so hepped up.

And I'll tell you what. If it doesn't
work out in, say, six weeks, I'll pull

plug on it myself.

Six weeks, I'm not happy it's gone? I
give you my word.

Okay, I'll do it.

Good! Oh, you're like a puddle.

Listen, why don't you go call Barbara
Walters and tell her the news? I bet she

goes crying to our fancy -scrancy new
bosses, Michael and Michael at Disney.

You know, Andrew, you could learn a
thing or two from your uncle. He's a

act all the way.

Oh, but, but, but, Murphy, you embarrass
me. I'm blushing. And that, my clumsy

little nephew, is how you manipulate
someone.

You're the wind beneath my wing, sir.