All language subtitles for Murphy Brown s04e05 The Square Triange

Well, all I am saying is don't ever call
me at one in the morning again.

I was having this great dream where I
was locked in a mattress warehouse with

Julia Roberts.

Then you called.

When I got back to sleep, Julia was
wearing a black lace teddy, but she had

head.

You are so selfish, Frank. At least when
I called Jim, he had the decency to

listen to my problem. No, I didn't, you
little twit.

Halfway through your babbling, I put the
phone under the bed. That sympathetic

breathing you heard was my dog,
Trickster.

Incredible.

I'm having a major personal life crisis,
and my friends don't care.

You believe this, Corky?

Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Oh, come on!

I'm in pain here!

Been under a lot of pressure lately,
okay?

The past several months, my girlfriend
Audrey has been dropping little hints

about us moving in together.

Then last week, she lost her job at the
British Embassy, which means she doesn't

have any money coming in, which means
she can't pay her rent, which means

lose her apartment, which means the
train is moving and I feel like a cow on

tracks!

Don't even try to say hello, no time.
When a story like this lands in your

small talk and salutations just have to
wait.

Good morning, Murphy.

I need a few minutes of your time.

But first, I want to thank you for
blowing a whistle into the phone when I

called last night. Mine? I'm sure it was
all mine. Now, check this out. One of

my sources just gave me a tip linking
three members of Congress to an IRS

scandal. Diane Sawyer's already on to
the story, so I have to move fast.

I need someone to get me a contact sheet
on the IRS, do a lot of digging in the

congressional record. I need a good
secretary of my own to get me one.

you know as well as I do, personnel
can't legally assign you anyone until

last secretary's case goes to trial.

What I wanted to talk to you about
was... Knock, knock.

Hello, Miles.

Hello, Murphy.

Audrey, what are you doing here?

One of my job interviews cancelled.

I was feeling kind of down, so I thought
I'd stop by and get some sunshine from

my pootie.

Hey, hey, don't you worry. You'll find
something.

You're a terrific secretary.

Just terrific.

Murphy, I don't know if I told you, but
Audrey lost her job. Her secretarial

job. And isn't it funny? Just moments
ago, you were saying you needed a

secretary. Mm -hmm, yes, I was.

What a shame you established that clear
but firm rule prohibiting the hiring of

family and friends.

It's so sweet of you to try to bend the
rules for me, but it's not necessary.

I'm very much in the running for the job
of hostess at the International House

of Pancakes.

Do that, Murphy.

Late nights at the IHOP.

They liked my accent.

They thought it would help emphasize the
international part of the name.

Of course, it's down near... the bus
station, and I would have to wear a

hairnet. Oh, Murphy, the bus station, a
hairnet.

And failing that, there's an opening at
the nuclear power plant.

The head of personnel seemed very nice.

Odd, though, he had no eyebrows.

Okay, okay.

Audrey, I'm up against a major deadline,
and I don't have an assistant.

Since you're available, what do you say?

Oh, my goodness. Are you offering me a
job?

What a great idea, Murphy. Oh, thank
you, Murphy. Thank you so much. I can

right now.

I'll just go out there and familiarize
myself with your office setup.

I'm proficient in all the major computer
programs. I also speak French and

German fluently. I can get by in
Japanese.

And when the tension gets to be too
much, I know all the key acupressure

out of me.

Oh, good.

Well, as you were.

Jim,

have you, uh, had a chance to look at
the scripts for the promos we're

next week?

Actually, I haven't received them yet.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hilarious. I'll be sure to catch you at
the Comedy Shack.

I don't think we should be discussing my
digestive problems.

All right.

But I think it's very cute that you hum
in the bathroom.

That's it, that's it.

Okay, I got work to do.

Fergie?

Make it quick, Miles. I made a bet with
Diane Sawyer that I'd break the story

before she does. If I lose, I have to
clean the growl around her tub.

Fergie, I want you to fire Audrey.

What? Well, she's the best secretary I
ever had.

Not sincerely invented double chocolate
cheesecake is another woman giving me so

much pleasure. No way.

You have to. You have to.

Please help me, Murphy. She's
everywhere.

I can't breathe.

I come into the office and there are
little post -it love notes all over my

door.

I'm losing my effectiveness as an
authority figure.

I used to be the boss, the head honcho,
the big cheese.

Now I'm just another bathroom hummer.

I told you, Miles. I told you not to mix
business with personal and you wouldn't

listen. So now... Oh, you have to pay,
as all must pay who do not heed a word

Brown. Oh,

Miles, are we going shopping together
tonight?

Oh, gee, Audrey, I don't know. Because
Neenah's is having a sale on those all

-cotton briefs he likes so much. You
know, the ones with the comfort panel.

Hey, look at the time. Gotta go.

Oh, wait a minute.

What's this?

It looks like a keychain.

An empty keychain, waiting for that one
special key.

Oh, gee, Audrey.

Gee.

I think it's time we considered living
together.

Now that you've found me this wonderful
job, I won't be a financial burden, and

I can come to you as a whole and
complete woman.

It's the right time, Miles.

Don't you think?

I don't think we should see each other
anymore.

What? No, I didn't mean that.

Yes, I did.

Oh, God, Audrey.

We can talk about this later. Like when
we're old and wise and capable of

redeeming. I don't want to talk about it
later. I want to talk about it right

here, right now.

Audrey, I'm suffocating.

We don't spend any time apart.

I'm not ready for a serious
relationship.

And you deserve somebody who can give
you more.

If you'll excuse me, I think I need a
little air.

I'm sorry, Audrey.

And Audrey, maybe we could keep this
between us.

I don't think the whole office needs to
know we're breaking up.

Oh.

Too bright and too hot to survive.

Well, you know, sometimes that happens.
Too hot, too bright, too bad.

I cried once, but Kim Basinger's suit
wouldn't go out with me.

Oh, now, don't make me laugh, Frank.

I was just about to feel good and sorry
for myself.

How is it you know just the right thing
to say?

I do?

Here you go, Audrey.

Another cup Earl Grey. You don't want to
dehydrate.

Frank, can I talk to you over here for a
second? What is it? It's private.

Can I wait? I'll pay you $10.

All right. All right. Excuse me for just
a second.

What is it, Phil? Can't you see I'm
trying to help Audrey feel a little

here? I want you to listen to me, Frank.

There's nothing as deadly as the boss's
freshly dumped and highly vulnerable ex

-girlfriend. You're trolling in
dangerous waters, Frank.

And I suggest you take your fishing pole
to another pond.

That's ridiculous, Phil. We're just
having an innocent conversation. That's

it is now. Just relax.

I'm sorry. Sorry about that. Now, where
were we?

I'm thinking about Miles.

Did I say something? Did I do something?

Now, don't blame yourself. You are a
very warm and caring person, Audrey. You

know, I once said to Miles that I was
jealous because I'd never met a woman

you. You said that? I did.

And I'm not just telling you that now to
make you feel better.

It's all in your car, Frank.

You didn't bring my car. I walked here.

Oh, what a relief.

I really should get back to the office,
but I don't know how I'm going to face

people, face Miles.

Go home. Most of the day's over already.
I'm sure Murphy wouldn't want you to

work after what happened.

If I really don't think she'll mind, I
could still catch the early bus. Wait a

minute. You're not taking the bus, not
the way you're feeling. Look, my car is

parked in the garage right across the
street. Let me give you a ride home.

I insist.

Frank, that's so nice of you. I'll get
my coat.

Morning, Murph. How's it going?

Oh, just as well, Frank. I was here
until midnight last night waiting

all this stuff myself because Audrey
disappeared on me yesterday.

I know. I told her to take the rest of
the day off.

You what?

Jeez, Frank, you... Look, Murph, I ran
into her at Phil's yesterday. She seemed

pretty upset about the breakup.

So I took her home.

And then something happened, Murph.

Between Audrey and me.

Oh.

God.

It's not what you're thinking.

We sat in my car and talked.

Just talked until two in the morning and
then I went home.

Would that be your home here in
Washington or your home on the planet?

sure.

I'm telling you, we talked about
everything. I don't think I've ever been

comfortable with a woman before.

I think there's a real attraction there.
But if I start seeing Audrey, how's

Miles going to feel?

He's my boss. He's my friend.

Murphy, what should I do?

Oh, there they are. The five most
dreaded words in the English language.

Murphy, what should I do? Murphy, I need
your help. And now the five second most

dreaded words.

Hi, Frank. Maybe you can help, too.

I don't know if you've heard, but I
broke up with Audrey yesterday.

Oh. I tried calling her around 8 .30
last night just to make sure she was

No answer.

Nine o 'clock.

Still no answer.

Finally, around two o 'clock in the
morning, she picked up the phone.

I asked her where she was all night. She
said she was taking a shower.

I think she's lying.

What do you think, Murphy?

Gee, I don't know.

What do you think, Frank?

Okay, Miles.

I'm going to be totally honest with you.

Audrey was with me last night.

Are you telling me you took a shower
with Audrey?

No.

Look, I ran into her at Phil's. She
was... She was crying. I took her home,

we ended up talking for a few hours.

Look, Miles, I want to be perfectly
upfront about this.

I'm thinking about getting to know
Audrey better, but I don't want to step

any toes. You say the word, I'm out of
here.

Well, Frank, it was my choice not to see
Audrey anymore.

And if you two want to see each other, I
say great.

You're one of my best friends, and she's
a terrific woman.

I think we're both sophisticated enough
to handle this.

All I ask is that you treat her right.

I'll try.

Look, thanks for understanding, buddy.

Shake?

Are you sure you don't want to go out to
the stable and check her teeth before

you close the door?

Murphy, if you're finished making rude
comments, I'd like to start the morning

meeting.

Good morning, Audrey.

Hello, Mr.

Silverberg.

Hello, Frank.

Hi, Audrey.

How are you feeling today?

Wonderful.

Except for one problem.

I have an extra ticket to the symphony
Thursday night.

I was planning to take someone, but he
suffocated unexpectedly.

I think I can solve this little dilemma.

Frank, would you like to go to the
symphony with Audrey?

I'd love to.

What do you say, Audrey?

I can't think of anyone I'd rather go
with. Anyone at all on this earth,

or dead.

covers everyone here, what do you say we
start the morning meeting?

Okay, next month's schedule. I need
stories, great stories.

Pitch me, people. Okay, okay, look, uh,
I was thinking about a follow -up piece

on my story about Death Row.

Interesting, and the first piece was
very strong, but we're trying to steer

from follow -ups. Sorry.

Oh, okay, well, uh, how about a look at
the Superfund cleanup site in upstate

where... Oh, I don't think so. It's
pollution downer. What else you got?

Uh...

The effect of a military base closing on
a town... What else?

Well? Nope.

You haven't heard the idea yet.

Don't like it.

Well, maybe you'll like this story idea.

Miles Silverberg, executive producer or
moron?

Well, I'd rather be a moron than a
rotten, stinking backstabber. You're not

friend. You're the predator.

Lying in wait for relationships to break
off. so you can suck up the women like

some anteater with a testosterone
problem.

You're lying. Do you know that?

Audrey was dating a crazy person. When I
started therapy, I was saner than you.

I wonder why she's confused.

You confused her? You offer a ride home
and it takes seven hours to get there?

What'd you do, Frank? Take a shortcut
through New Hampshire?

I don't care what you say. I'm taking
her to the symphony. You hear that? I'm

taking her.

Oh, you do that, Frank. You take her to
the symphony. You'll be the only guy

there trying to start the wave.

That's it. I don't care if you kill each
other. Just stop fighting over Audrey.

She's mine. You got that? Mine.

And I don't want anybody to upset her.
Case closed. No arguments. Period.

I have no idea what just transpired
here. I hate that feeling.

Don't fight it, Jim.

It's really kind of nice once you get
used to it.

Okay, let's go back over Congressman
McNair's testimony. There's got to be

something there.

Now what?

Oh, and while you're at it, pull the
file on Papazian, too.

Hi, Murph.

Frank, you're not supposed to pick up
Audrey until 7 .45. It's 7 .44.

I'll walk into the living room real
slow. That should cover it.

Hi, Audrey.

Hello, Frank.

Could I talk to you privately, please?

Are you all right?

Well, actually, Audrey, I've been
thinking.

There's probably a lot of things that
you and Miles still have to work out,

I don't want to get in the way of... You
see, I don't want to be in the middle

of... There's something that doesn't...
feel quite right. Do you understand what

I'm saying?

Let me translate for you, Audrey. When
Miles told Frank it was okay to go out

with you, that meant you were available.

When a woman is available, Frank
suddenly finds her about as desirable as

Borgnine. Is that it?

No!

Well, that's part of it.

At least I'm honest enough to admit it.

Look, Audrey, I know this is going to be
hard for you, but I

want you to try to forget me.

And what could have been?

Oh, this is such a relief.

Excuse me? I've been thinking, too, and
I realize all I've been doing is using

you to get back at Miles.

Wait a minute.

Let me get this straight. Are you
telling me that you are not interested

at all?

Yes. Look, maybe if you gave it a
chance. God, it's drinking like a dead

chicken. Cut off its head and it still
keeps running around the yard.

I saw this guy, really big guy with a
really big scar, and he was climbing

your wall.

There he goes again.

You get out of here. You get out of
here. Go.

Okay, he's gone.

I'm going to go down to the police
station and report this. Oh, stop it,

There is no man.

I demand to know what you were doing out
there skulking about.

I was not skulking.

Yes, I was.

Oh, God. Look what I've become.

I'm a skulker.

What a pathetic excuse for a man I've
become.

I haven't shaved.

I started to shave, but then I stopped.

For no reason.

I just couldn't go on.

Good, Frank. Thanks to you, our leaders
lost the will to groom.

No, it's not Frank's fault.

I'm the one who made this mess.

And now, all I can think to say is, you
stay away from her, Frank.

I should have read you better. I
couldn't see how much you were hurting.

I'm sorry, man.

Here we go. They're calling each other
man. The end is in sight.

Anyway, uh... I'm out of the picture.

Friends?

I hope you two can work everything out
because you deserve to be together,

happy, and in love.

Unlike me, I was alone and probably will
be until the day I die.

Enjoy your evening.

Audrey, I've been doing a lot of
thinking, and I know why I broke things

I was afraid.

But I've discovered that I'd rather be
afraid with you than without you.

So I guess what I'm saying is, would you
move in with me?

Oh, Miles, that's so sweet.

No.

Why not?

Miles, I can't ignore the fact that you
broke up with me and within a matter of

hours I was spending the evening in
another man's car.

Maybe I'm not ready for a commitment yet
either, Pookie.

You call me Pookie, so there's still a
chance.

Always.

Well, what a lovely moment that was. And
I'm sure you'll want to go home and

relive it, Miles, while Audrey and I
finish our story.

Murphy, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have
to look for other employment.

For the good of friendships, romance,
and my mental stability, I quit.

I'm sure you understand.

Well, you're wrong.

This is so typical.

Everyone else always ends up getting
exactly what they want, and I end up

Zippo.

how you make you feel guilty, but this
will probably eat at me for the rest of

my life.

I'm sorry, Murphy, but he loves me.

There's love and there's deep neurosis.
Don't confuse the two.

It's strange, Audrey.

You said no to living together.

You rejected me.

I'm finding that a very powerful turn
-on.

What are you saying, Pookie?