All language subtitles for roseanne_s09e11_mothers_and_other_strangers

Are you excited that your daddy's coming
home?

You remember your daddy, don't you?

He's got a big head and funny hair just
like you do.

There's so much to tell him.

It's almost like some insane woman made
it all up.

And while daddy was out in California
counting fat grams and pointing out nose

jobs, we were in New York City.

New York is funny, huh?

King Kong didn't fall. He actually
jumped.

Thank you. And Aunt Jackie's dating a
prince.

You got lots bigger.

And so did Darlene's tummy.

And DJ's funny voice went away, which is
a relief to all the doggies in the

neighborhood.

Oh,

and one more thing.

Grandma came out of the closet.

Can you say, uh -oh? Uh -oh.

What doesn't kill us is making us
stronger.

We're gonna last longer than that
greatest wall in China.

Oh, that rapping with a drum.

There's one thing that I've heard while
waiting for my turn.

Is that in each glass of rainfall But
you also get some sun That will make

out better than okay Hear what I say
Yeah

Prinsley Animal.

I got to go.

No. No, I can't.

No, I can't.

Because I'm not alone.

No. Okay, I will. Okay.

Oh, you bet I will.

Bye -bye.

If you're going to have sex, use your
own phone.

For then.

I have never experienced anything like
this before in my life. I mean, I knew

that the prince was a romantic in
person, but on the phone... The boom!

So, what kind of stuff did he say?

Well, you know, just stuff.

Come on, I had to listen to every detail
about how boring Fred was. Now, I want

to hear about the royal stud.

Well, he said that he wanted to be my...

So that he could be with me. I mean,
really with me.

All day long.

That has got to be the grossest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

Boy, you picked yourself a real winner
there.

Uh, so has Dan called you lately?

Yes, he has.

Oh, not like that, but yeah.

Man, I miss him so much. I know.

you do.

You know, every morning I get up and
he's not there and just for a second I

think he's in the bathroom.

But then I see that TV guy in that
yellow highlighter and I know he's not

bathroom. He's out in California with
his mom. Well, he'll be back in a couple

weeks. Yeah, I know, but it's still
tough, you know. We've never been apart

long in our whole relationship.

And I mean, I feel like I've changed,
you know.

I made all my own decisions. I went
wherever I wanted to go with whoever I

wanted to go with.

I was, like, totally on my own. Now I'm
a little nervous about when Dan comes

back and I go back to making the
decisions for both of us again.

You know, you'll bark him down a couple
of times, and after a few days,

everything will be back to normal.

Yeah, I don't know, though. I just, I
feel really nervous about him seeing me.

You've been married for 25 years.

Yeah, I know, but that whole time I just
kept him here in Lampard all isolated,

you know. And he's been out in
California, you know, and he comes back

see me in a different way. Where's all
this coming from?

I don't know.

Just, I've got a weird feeling.

Go see Barbara's movie tonight. She was
so great on Oprah.

You know, remember after we saw Stars
Blowing, when I got our hair all... Two

hands on the wheel, please!

I am feeling a little anxious. My mother
is not the easiest person to talk to.

Maybe we ought to turn the car off. No,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're just

a bit confused, and it's perfectly
natural.

You've kept this thing hidden for such a
long time. I remember when I had the

talk with my parents, okay?

And there was a long, awkward silence,
and then my mother just turned to my

father and said, You owe me ten bucks.

Mine didn't even go that smoothly. My
father would not talk to me for five

years. Every Thanksgiving, he would turn
the TV set away so I couldn't watch the

football game.

Horrible. What about your mother? Oh,
once a mama's boy, always a mama's boy.

We're almost there. Just turn left at
that stop sign. Left it is.

Tell us when to pull in.

Oh, you'll recognize the house.

Whoa.

What? In the name of Brian Boitano.

Get a load of all those pink flamingos.
Is that thing in the middle of the yard

that looks like a giant windmill made
out of Campbell soup cans?

That's the place.

Whoa.

Think we better lock it up, fellas.

Thank you. Mary, is that a real windmill
out there?

You can bet your ass it is.

Listen, I brought it from Amsterdam
right after the Spanish Civil War. Wow.

It used to be in my bedroom when I was a
little girl.

Mother, I see the place hasn't changed
much.

Yeah, it sure is interesting.

Oh, you like it, Leon?

Well, it does explain where Roseanne
gets her taste.

Absolutely love this old trunk.

Ornate, yet calm.

I traded Meyer Lansky, the famous
gangster, for it.

Mother's wild stories that everyone has
heard a thousand times.

No, not here. Not a block off the
highway in the middle of corn country.

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

I feel safe. Give me air. Give me air.

Tell me that that isn't authentic
Picasso.

It better be a real Picasso.

I posed nude for that for four days.

Got to bone you.

Oh, that old etch.

Oh, like you knew Picasso. Give me a big
break.

Here's what I'd like to give you.

Scott, let's go antiquing. No. Yes,
right now.

I love it when you're impulsive.

I just think there's a Gustav Stickley
rocking chair out there with our names

it. She slept with Picasso. In a cubic
second.

All right, Beverly, what the hell are
you doing here? You haven't been here

uh... Were you ever here?

Yeah, but it's been a long time.
Actually, I thought we might, uh, chat.

Okay, let's chat.

You and I have never had a mother
-daughter...

and now that I am all grown up, I think
it's time we did.

Oh, God, I was hoping it was spawned for
another decade.

Mother!

Yeah, what?

Well, you see, I am at a crossroads in
my life. I mean, I just don't know where

I'm going.

Ever since I blurted out to the world
that I'm attracted to women, why did you

do this?

Oh, yeah. I was there. I remember.

I realized that my whole life is just
one mistake after another.

Oh, man, that really sucks.

It's true, Mom.

Yes. I quit secretarial school despite
the fact that I excelled in stenography.

Yes. I married the first man who came
along.

You married the first schmuck that came
along.

Mother, I came here in search of
answers, not criticism.

That is not criticism. That was a
commentary.

Mother, I came here for help. I thought
you could perhaps give me some hint,

some clue, something to help me
understand myself.

You are a rebel, just like me.

You just had different things to rebel
against. What are you babbling about?

right, sit down.

Now, remember when I used to get drunk
with Hemingway?

I wasn't there.

Well, you remember.

And I used to go smoke reefers in Harlem
with the jazz crowd.

Well, you were rebelling against the
woman that I was then.

You became a kind of uptight, repressed
conformist. Does any of this help you,

honey?

I was not uptight and repressed.

I was a realist. Someone had to be. All
you did was wake me up in the middle of

the night so we could skip out on the
rent and move on to another town or move

on to another boyfriend.

I never knew where we were going to
live. I never went to the same school. I

never knew when you'd come home at
night. You were mentally unstable.

No, Beverly.

What I was was what they used to call a
free spirit.

Yes, I was.

young, so I parked you with my mother
for a couple of years.

But when I came back, there was no
running around.

Come on, you went to the same school
then and you slept in the same bed. And

did every menial job that came along.

And I gave up all my dreams of being an
artiste, a ballerina, a writer, a union

organizer.

Come on, Beverly, all I got left are my
treasures.

You know it. I wasn't a bad mother.

I never said you were a bad mother.

Well, kiddo, you certainly were hinting
at it.

Mom, I've asked you this before, and
you've always avoided it.

Who was my father?

You know what? I'm going to make us some
sandwiches.

Well, Jerry and Andy are down for their
naps.

I think this baby thing is going to be a
breeze.

You just remember that when I'm in labor
and I'm ripping your throat out.

What are you guys doing?

Well, I unloaded the dishwasher and I
listened to Aunt Jackie get an obscene

phone call.

And I'm just sitting here thinking about
Dad.

Hey, did you tell him about all the
remodeling you did yet?

Well, no, not all of it. You know, it's
supposed to be a great big surprise when

he gets here.

You think so?

Well, yeah, we got new cupboards, the
new table here, the convection oven,

whatever the hell that is.

Well, what about the living room?

What about it?

Well... I don't think Dad could even fit
in this chair.

I'm turning my surrounds down.

Mute.

I don't know, Mom. It just doesn't seem
like Dad's taste to me.

Darlene, this is the first furniture we
have ever had that we did not buy off of

somebody's lawn.

Well, yeah, but is it Dad?

Well, of course it is.

Isn't it?

Well, some of the old stuff was a little
more, you know, guy -friendly.

guy -friendly. You just can't tell
because it's still clean.

I don't think you have anything to worry
about, Mrs. Connor.

I mean, look at me.

I'm a guy, and I love this new stuff.

I'm screwed.

See, now you've got me all unsure of
myself and feeling all nervous.

Tell me the truth, Jackie. What do you
really think?

Well, I got it. No, I...

I wouldn't like that.

Hello?

Ah!

Beverly, you're still here?

Of course I'm still here. Remember, you
just went into the kitchen to make us

some sandwiches.

Oh, that's right.

Well, you're welcome to have.

I sprinkled my Metamucil all over it.

I'm not really hungry anyway.

Mother, you have not answered my
question.

Who is my father?

Bev, let me tell you a story.

Sit down.

There was this party at a mansion in
Paris.

Okay?

And... Now, maybe it was at a
restaurant.

Anyway...

Coming towards me was this handsome
actor.

Remember, he used to swing from the
trees in those pictures.

Tarzan? Tarzan? Are you telling me that
Tarzan was my father, Johnny

Weissmuller? Yeah.

Mother, no more stories.

I don't know who my father is.

Well, then we're even. I don't know
either.

You really don't know?

No. I narrowed it down to four guys.
Really, only two.

Because, I mean, you have no talent for
art, so it couldn't be Picasso.

You can't play the piano, so it can't be
Arthur Rubinstein. Well, I can sing.

Could it be Louis Armstrong?

That is a distinct possibility.

Mother! All right.

Come on, Bev. You've got to remember.

Stop this. Life is a banquet.

You gotta learn how to take big bites
out of it. I love you. I love you, but

the hell off my back.

I need help.

Honey, listen to me.

Everybody goes down a different road. It
doesn't matter what the hell other

people think.

To thine own self be true.

Shakespeare said that.

Maybe it was in the Bible.

Oh, no, I know. It was Steve Allen.

I don't smoke.

Oh, well, Castro gave me these cigars.

Yeah, when?

Oh, yeah, New York. Long time ago. He
was doing the Jack Parr show.

That cigar box is lovely. It would be
perfect for potpourri.

Yeah, you like it?

I do.

Have it.

You know, there's a lot of other stuff
around here I'd like you to have.

But I didn't think you liked any of it.

I liked it.

I just didn't want you to know it.

Why?

Maybe I really am a rebel. You know, in
this life, there are more questions than

answers.

Maybe it's meant to be that way, so it
keeps us on our toes.

You know, Mom?

What? Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're okay, kiddo.

Okay, Jackie. What do you think?

It's a little revealing.

I know. I bought it for when Dan comes
home to distract him in case he don't

like the furniture.

Well, it works because I'm your sister
and even I can't keep my eyes off your

rack.

Well, it's common knowledge, Jackie. Men
prefer boobs over end tables any day.

for five dollar roses. Carlos, he is so
romantic.

What in the hell makes you think they're
from Carlos? Because your husband

wouldn't send you any flowers.

Yeah, but your dirty mouth prince would.

Yes, he would.

I

can't wait to

see you, honey.

There's no place like home.

They're for me.

There's no place like home. Love, Dan.

Oh, my God.

Dan's expecting home. I mean, like the
old home. You know what I mean?

Oh, like the coffee table with the beer
can stains on it home. My God.

I've got to get some of the things that
he used to like and put them back out

here. Maybe that'll help ease his way
into the new.

Oh, is this your I'm -going -to -be -a
-grandma look?

that dog's playing poker picture, did
we? Believe it or not, somebody stole it

out of the garage.

Go figure.

Your dad loved it.

Mrs. Conner, you do know that that was
just a reproduction.

Where can I get another one?

Have you checked the Lamford House of
Velvet?

You know, I could paint you another one.
I could probably do it just from

memory. Really?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, it's one of those images that
sears itself into your cornea.

I'll go get started.

Oh, my God, Jackie, I'm just totally
nervous.

Everything in the house is just too
different. I mean, including me. Ever

I went to that spa, I look different.

No, you don't.

Sure she does.

Her hair's shinier. Oh, yeah, if there's
one thing Dad cares about, it's shiny

hair.

know, Jackie, is that Dan is not going
to be returning to the demure little

Lanford house frow that he left behind.

I've been out in the world. I've lived.

I've traveled. I've experienced a
million things. I've got a self

freezer.

And there is that little matter of the
terrorist. My God, Jackie, what kind of

man wants to sleep with a woman who's
thrown a man off a train?

Get a hold of yourself.

Dan doesn't care about that stuff.

All he's ever wanted, really, is just a
place to sit.

My God, and I gave that away.

Dan doesn't care how fancy all your crap
has gotten. He just wants you here. You

know that.

What if... Now, just stop. What if? What
if? What if? What if cars ran on spit?

You know what Nana Mary said.

There will always be more questions than
answers in this life.

Here you go. Sketched out that picture
of the dogs for you.

The poodle looks a little like Becky.

There you go.

He did that from memory. It's perfect.

What are you, crazy?

It's not even close.

The bulldog is supposed to have the full
house, and the chihuahua has the pair.

So? The bulldog has to win. That's the
whole point of the painting.

Oh, I know. I've got something in the
bedroom that'll make Dan really, really

excited to be home. Oh, God.

Okay. It's another eye -popping cleavage
outfit.

Huh? Here we go.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm going to put this right back on the
mantelpiece over there.

Oh, God!

I got rid of the fireplace!