All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e31_doberman_missing_heir

Hey, Dolby, my pants ready yet. I'm
waiting for the iron to get hot. Hey,

do me a favor, will you? I've got to run
to town. Be a pal. Make up my bunk.

Okay. Come on, Dolby. Now you're going
to PX or not. He'll go in a minute. He

hasn't pressed my pants yet. Take it
easy, Flashman. He'll be back in five

minutes. Hey, Dolby, you won't forget
about making up the bunk, huh? Oh, I

forget, Dolby.

Hold it!

Let's go out here.

Dolby, do this. Dolby, do that. Since
when has Dolby become everybody's

servant around here? Now, hear me.

Everybody.

This man is as important as anybody in
this platoon. Is that understood?

There'll be no taking advantage of it.
If you want something done, do it

yourself. Have you got that?

All right.

Gee, thanks, Sarge. Thanks for what? I'm
just protecting your basic rights as a

human being.

You're a soldier, not a slave.

Right? Right.

Did you finish hiding my shirt yet?

Open it. I gave you over an hour ago.

But, Sarge, I had too many other things
to do. I couldn't... Whose fault is

that? You've become a poor Cinderella
around here.

Stand up to these guys. Remember that.

Now, if you put too much starch in my
collar... Ernie, you're safe. The girls

are waiting. They don't wait. If they
get a little anxious, they become more

cooperative. When those shirts are
ready, bring them in, Doherty, okay?

Yes, master.

Be careful. You'll press my tie. Oh, do
it yourself.

One thing I hate to see is one of my men
taken advantage of.

New York Yankees 6, Washington Senators
2.

Hey, Ernie, we better go. It's late. I
hear the moves. Do you mind?

Now for tonight's human interest story.

Lord and Lady Rockford arrived in San
Francisco today to continue their long

search for their lost son and heir.

On a visit to America some 35 years ago,
Lord and Lady Rockford's baby boy

mysteriously disappeared from his pram.

The search has continued to this day.

Reporter Don Martin interviewed Lord
Rockford this afternoon in his hotel

Is it true, sir, that your missing son
is the only heir to one of England's

greatest fortunes? Quite so. But more
important, he'd be the next Lord

a direct descendant of the kings of
England.

Don't she look familiar to you?

It's crazy, but she reminds me of
Doberman. Shh, shh, shh. Tell me, Lord

Rockford, how do you suppose to identify
your son?

After all, you haven't seen him in 35
years.

Well, my son Montague had a distinctive
birthmark on his upper left arm.

And I assume there'd also be a strong
family resemblance.

I'd know my baby boy anywhere. There,
there, Victoria.

He was such a beautiful, healthy child.

Weighed 16 pounds at birth.

I'm offering the reward of $5 ,000 for
information.

Well,

sir, I'm... Is it possible?

Is it possible? She looks like Doberman.
And you heard what he said about a

strong family resemblance. And
Doberman's the right age. That's

Why? Doberman only weighed 16 pounds at
birth.

You know, Rocco, Doberman is a
descendant of English kings.

It's incredible.

What's the matter, Ernie? I just
remembered something.

Henry VIII was a slob, too.

If Doberman has that wrist mark on his
left arm, we're in 5 ,000 bucks.

Come on, be sensible. All right, there's
a resemblance. It's probably a

coincidence. Well, how do you know?

How do I know? How do I know? Are you
forgetting one little detail?

Doberman's mother in Allentown?

So I said, hey, this mother, that's his
aunt.

What? Yeah, Doberman was a foundling,
and his aunt raised him.

A found thing? Are you sure? Well, he
told me that once.

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go
looking for that birthmark.

Don't! Don't! I just finished finding
it. I'll talk to you in a minute. Take

your jacket.

What for? Something I want to see. Don't
ask.

What do you want? What do you want?

What do you want? All right, I'll take
off your jacket.

Oh, Sarge, you're not going to start
that stuff again, are you? What stuff?

About me taking a shower.

Sarge! Sarge!

This way, Sarge, and it'll work again.
Now, let me see your left arm.

You left on to me.

I'm learning well.

Rude Britannia, Britannia.

It's fantastic.

Fantastic. What are you reading, then?
I've just been looking into Lord

Rockford's financial standing.

In this book here, this is the English
version of Dun & Bradstreet. Listen to

some of these holdings.

Mills in Birmingham, shipping fleets and
distilleries in Scotland.

Real estate, London.

A 52 -room ancestral castle under 10.

Wow. Just think. All of this is going to
belong to Doberman and his friends

someday. But wait a minute, Ernie. Even
if Doberman is the missing heir, that

doesn't mean he's going to share it with
you. Who cares?

All I know is I'm going to realize my
lifelong ambition to be the business

manager to a millionaire who can't
count.

Ernie! I'm having a lot of trouble with
him. Oh, can't you handle anything,

Rocco?

and take a shower.

What? Why?

Because someday you're going to sit in
the House of Lords.

If it was the House of Commons, I
wouldn't mind.

I don't want to be royalty. I want to be
just plain private double. Now, listen

to me, your Lordship.

Sarge, you have to call me your
Lordship. Yes, I want you to get used to

get used to another thing. Let me see
that trout bearing.

Shoulders erect.

Aristocratic looking.

Is this any better? Yes, your Lordship.

Take a bath, sir.

Now, Blaine, listen to me. Next day or
two, you're going to meet your parents

for the first time.

Now, this is very important. They
haven't seen you in 35 years. I want you

make a good impression.

If they're my parents, they'll accept me
the way I am.

Once they look at you, they may not know
what you are.

Try to get this through your thick royal
skull.

Your parents are loaded. They've got
money in shillings, pounds, American

all kind of money. And the biggest joy
in life they can have is to put this

money in your lap.

Now, are you going to deny the sweet old
couple in the twilight of their life

the one true chance for happiness?

Okay, Sarge, I'll do it. That's the
spirit you're launching.

Rocco, hose them down real good.

Well, what do you think?

I don't know. We'll work on them
tonight, and tomorrow we'll take them to

Francisco to meet his parents.

What do you think is going to happen
when they meet face to face?

I don't know. All I know is Mother Love
is going to get its severest test.

Now, you know what to do? I think so.
What is your name?

Montague, Lord Rockford. Fine, and
remember, when you meet your parents,

affectionate, but with that certain
English reserve, okay? Okay. Well, here

goes.

Now, remember, when you kiss your
mother, don't slobber all over her.

Yes?

You'll have to excuse his informality,
you see. He's been away from the mother

country too long.

I assume you are here to be interviewed.

Interviewed, my dear man? This is a gala
family reunion.

And do me a favor, don't announce us. We
want this to be a surprise.

I'm sorry, that's quite impossible.

I'm afraid you'll have to wait. Wait?
Why, this poor lad has been waiting 35

years to see his parents.

Yes, that's what they all say. All? What
do you mean, all? There are at least

ten other gentlemen ahead of you.

Why, this is outrageous. These men are
obviously impostors.

Impostors? I say, old man, are you
insinuating that I'm a fraud?

Oh, come off it, pal. Who do you think
of kidding in that rented tuxedo?

How dare?

He's probably got torn underwear
underneath the tuxedo.

Okay, you're asking for a fat lip.

Carpenter! Here, hear your archer. This
is way beneath you.

Corporals, are we to stand by while
British Royalty is harassed?

By unscrupulous fortune hunters?

Of course not. Then do your duty. You're
nothing but a... Your name, please. Who

are you? Who am I? Did you think that
British royalty would come to San

Francisco without proper protection from
the United States government? You have

your security clearance with you?
Security clearance? I don't have any.

out. Out!

See that this man does not enter the
hotel without a written permit from the

or the Bureau of Immigration.

Your name, please. I have reason to
believe that I am Montague Rothman. Uh

A Romanian.

Out. Out.

Unless you mean real good.

Now, you are well aware that the penalty
in the United States for fraud and

misrepresentation is ten years in a
federal prison.

Now, unless you are absolutely sure you
are the missing son of Lord Rockford,

you will leave now and save the
government the cost of an expensive

Carpal, I'm sure you've seen these men
leave in an oddly fashion.

Don't take pictures. It's their first
offense. Out, out, out. Move, move.

fashion. Out, out. That's the way to do
it.

What now?

Call the whole thing off. You like this?
I finally got my foot in the Bank of

England. He wants to call the whole
thing off. I don't. Listen to me. Listen

me, good.

I've known you for ten years. You've
always been a poor slob. Are you going

chicken out when you finally got a
chance to be a wealthy slob?

Lord Rockford will see you now. Oh,
splendid. You better hear your lordship.

This might be a shock to them. I'll
prepare them for the emotional upheaval.

Why, Lord Rockford.

And Lady Rockwood won't bless your
heart. I'd know you anywhere.

Have we met before?

No, but I've known your son for 15 years
and there's a marked resemblance. My

son? You know my son? No, no, no,
Victoria. Don't get your hopes up.

I'm sorry, Sergeant. We've had so many
disappointments. Well, I have definite

proof that your long search has finally
ended. But how can you be sure that it's

our boy? He has a birthmark on his upper
left arm. And I discovered that he was

found in Allentown, Pennsylvania, 35
years ago. Allentown, Pennsylvania?

Why, Lady Rockford and I were in
Philadelphia when our son wandered away

his governors. We haven't seen him
since.

Where is he, Sergeant? Where is he? I'm
sure I know my baby boy, even after all

these years.

Come, Lord Montague.

Your mum and daddy are waiting.

As you can see, he's lost some of the
baby fat. Some of the stately little

friends.

Well, I had a little doubt before, but
now seeing you three together, I am

definitely sure.

Why, he has the same noble rock for
partying. The same rock for chins. The

standing of an aristocrat.

What do you think, Victoria?

Easily dropped. We're all innocent.
Can't look like that.

We've so much lost time to make up for.

Yes, darling.

Oh,

dear, dear, ma 'am, don't cry. The three
of you are all together now.

Sergeant, we're terribly grateful to you
for your help. in finding our dear son.

Oh, please say no more. I find it very
gratifying to get the three of you

together. More gratifying than a $5 ,000
reward.

Oh, yes. I'll send you a check tomorrow.

Oh, the lot of you who think I was
prompting you. However, I am staying at

Cliff Hotel. Well, cheerio to all of
you. You've got a fine boy there, Lord

Rockford. A little rough around the
edges, but the army life you understand.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll hire the finest English tutors.
They'll transform him into a polished

English nobleman in no time at all. Oh,
splendid, splendid. That is the Cliff

Hotel. I'll tell you about to write that
down.

How do you do, my lord?

Sherman. We'll continue our lesson
tomorrow.

Hey, Toby, you look great. You ever seen
anything so elegant? How do you feel?

Quite well, thank you.

Hey, you watch if I got a great idea.
Why don't you borrow a few pounds from

Peter tonight and we'll do the town,
right?

I think not.

I'm sorry if I seem a bit stupid. Duffy,
Sergeant, but the idea of you and I

being seen together in public will never
do.

I don't understand.

Surely you must realize that there's a
rather wide social gulf between us.

I see you're pulling my leg. That's a
good joke. Quite serious, old bean. Now,

if you'll excuse me, I must join Mater
and Patron in the drawing room.

It's almost time for tea.

Oh, wait a minute, Dwayne. Do you mind?

Surely you must realize that's all in
the past.

and the butler will show you out to the
servant section.

Cheer up, sir.

I'll tell him. Come on, Ernie, take it
easy. Don't make a scene. I need to do

some of the 50 million bucks and he
gives me a cheerio?

Give him a few days, Ernie. Maybe he'll
change his mind. A few days? A few days

ago he was ironing my shirts, doing my
laundry.

Oh, no.

Suddenly we're not buddies? I don't
understand this, pal.

I ain't going to get away with this. I
ain't going to let 50 million bucks slip

through my fingers so easily, pal. Don't
forget about it, Sarge. There's nothing

you can do about it now. Oh, yes, there
is. You got an idea already, Sarge? Sure

have, pal.

Beautiful blonde.

At the spirit, Sarge. Forget Doberman.
Oh, shut up. What's the plan, Ernie?

look. We may have lost our connection
with the future Lord Rockford.

What's to stop us from getting in good
with the future Lady Rockford?

Huh? Now, look.

Doberman never had a real date in his
life.

When the word gets out about this loot,
he's going to become very popular

suddenly. He's a cinch to marry the
first name who shows any interest in

Yeah, but what's in it for you?

If you were a young lady suddenly
introduced to 50 million bucks, would

grateful to the matchmaker?

I'm used to your shady deals, Ernie, but
this one's pitch black. Ah, knock it

off. Hey, Sarge, who's the girl? My old
pal, Dixie.

But you can't make her Lady Rockford.
She's a stripper. So what was Lady

Now, let me get this straight, Vilko.

You want me to meet this friend of
yours, huh?

Yeah, object matrimony.

Thanks a lot, but I ain't interested in
getting married, especially to a friend

of yours.

Now, wait a second, Dixie. Don't be
hasty. You and Monty were meant for each

other. What does he look like?

Well, he's very interesting, you know,
very warm, very lovable.

I get it.

Short, fat, and repulsive. He's worth 50
million bucks.

He sounds divine.

Oh, Dixie, you're hopeless romantic.

All right, don't be a wise guy, Vilko.

Furl, that's the easiest way to make a
living, you know.

I had pneumonia twice last year.

Don't blame me, baby. Believe me, my
heart goes out to you girls in

Let's get down to cases.

Is this guy really loaded?

Look, not only will he inherit half of
England, but a title as well.

You may be the next Grace Kelly.

What kind of title? You may be known as
Lady Rockford.

Lady Rockford?

Say, that ain't bad.

But, Dixie, you play ball with me and
you have twirled your last tassel.

Well, we'll discuss that little matter
right before the ceremony.

What makes you think he'll go for me?

You kidding?

This joker was the president of the
Marjorie Maine fan club.

What are your eyes on?

Sarge, Sarge, he's on his way down. I
told him we were going back to the camp.

We just wanted to say goodbye. Good,
good.

Now, look, you know what to do. Here he
comes, Sarge. Where, where?

That's him in the doorway.

You sure you've got 50 million bucks?
I'm positive.

Well, okay, but if it's one cent less,
I'm beating it.

Oh, yes, Your Lordship. We were going
back to camp. We just thought we'd say

goodbye. Oh, come on, old boy. That
wasn't absolutely necessary.

Well, I thought the police... Please, if
you don't mind, you belong to an

interlude in my life that I find in very
poor taste.

Your Lordship, I'd like you to meet a
very dear friend of mine. This is Miss

Dixie Nassel. I think you should meet
each other. This is Lord Montague, Lord

Rockford. Glad to meet you, Lord.

Oh, your Lordship, please don't look at
me like that.

With all your dash and all that money.

Oh, Dixie, please, honey, don't look at
him that way. I know I'm just a poor

little sergeant, but you mean all the
world to me.

Oh, it's hopeless. The last time I saw
this look in her eye is when she met Ali

Khan. He likes her. She'll break the
spell.

better than to interrupt me when I'm
counting money?

Is it $5 ,000 for the reward plus, say,
25 % of Dixie's take?

Split three ways? Split it two ways. I
don't want any part of it. I've had it.

I've had it. All right, Frank Merriwell,
out with it. What's bugging you? This

time you went too far.

It's criminal throwing Doberman in the
same tank with that barracuda. Somebody

else would be worse. Well, at least I
can handle. Well, how do you think Lord

and Lady Rockford are going to feel when
they find a stripteaser in the family?

Look, they accept the Doberman. They'll
accept anybody.

Still not right.

Yeah? It's right for him to turn his
back on me after 15 years of friendship?

I did, your lordship? Your lordship? Oh,
Sarge, that's just for around the

house. We're old friends.

We are? Come on, sit down, Dobby.

Sarge, I want to apologize.

Even though I'm of royal blood, we're
still buddies.

We are?

Sarge, you're not sore because I took
Dixie away from you. Oh, those things

can't be helped. What can you do? The
girl's madly in love with you.

You know, Sarge, I got a surprise for
you. What?

We're going to get married.

No. Yeah, Dixie proposed to me last
night.

Congratulations, Dixie.

so let me hurry out.

You know, Sarge, she's not interested in
my money or my title.

She loves me for myself.

Oh, gee, that's swell.

Say, Sarge, I want you to be our best
man.

Well, I'd be honored.

Look, I'm introducing you to Mater and
Pater this afternoon.

I'd be glad to have you come.

Yeah, I'll be there. I'll be glad to.
Well, Sarge, I'm off to buy an

ring. You know, Dixie has made me the
happiest man in the world, and I owe it

all to you.

Thanks again.

Well, good luck, Dobby.

It worked. It worked.

We're in. And then after they're
married, Dixie will fleece them out of

Yeah. And then we get our cut. Then
we're rolling in Luke.

See, I've got to hand it to you, Sarge.
You're a financial wizard.

Why don't you shut up?

What's the matter, Ernie? Isn't this
what you wanted?

A bleach bandit will take everything
he's got and then she'll break his

How do I do a thing like this? Why don't
you stand still and let me do it? Well,

it's still not too late to stop it.

You're right.

If I talk Dixie into this, I'll talk her
right out of it if I have to use a

club.

and give him up for at least two weeks.

Oh, Dixie, don't do this to me. Don't
ruin both our lives.

What are you trying to pull, Bilko?

Well, Dixie, I see I'll have to level
with you. I never realized how much you

meant to me until I find you're going
with another. Oh, Dixie, I'm hopelessly

love with you.

Hopeless is right.

Oh, come, think of it, Dixie. Think
twice. Think of all the fun we've had

together, all the things we've shared.

What things?

We had chop suey together exactly twice,
and I paid both times.

Dixie, I need you.

You don't need me. You need a
psychiatrist.

Will you excuse me? I've got to go meet
my future in -law.

Look, Sarge, why don't you level with
Doberman? Tell him what the score is.

can't do that. For the first time in his
life, Doberman thinks a girl is really

in love with him. If we tell him it was
a set -up, it would destroy him. You'd

better think of something fast. She's on
her way to see his parents. I know it.

His parents.

That's it.

Doberman's a good boy. He wouldn't marry
without his parents' consent.

Pay the check, I'll see you later.

Sergeant, I'm terribly glad you're here.
We need your help. What's wrong?

They've located our son in Philadelphia.

Oh, wait a minute. That's impossible.

I just left him 15 minutes ago. Oh, no,
no, Sergeant. That was an unfortunate

case of mistaken identity.

Private Doberman is not our son, after
all.

Here, read this telegram. It explains
everything.

The fingerprints match, the blood type
checks, birthmark, everything.

Holy smokes.

This leaves no room for doubt, does it?
None whatsoever.

Oh, I wish we knew how we could break
the news to Private Doberman. Oh, he's

been so sweet.

Sergeant, perhaps you could handle this
for us. Quite honestly, I haven't.

Where is he now? Well, he'll be here at
any moment.

All right. You better get out that door.
I'll take care of it. Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. I'll do my very best.

Hello,

Sarge. Where's my friend?

Come in, Dwayne. Sit down.

I'm afraid I got some bad news for you.

What's wrong?

Dollar was all a mistake.

Yes, sir, a mistake. You're not.

Mind you, Lord Rockford.

Not? No, I'm afraid you're going to have
to go back to being just plain, private

Dwayne Doberman.

Well, I know it was too good to be true.

What? Say, lovey?

I must say you're taking it well.

Why not? I still have Dixie. You what?

She told me she's not interested in
money. It's me that she's in love with.

said that?

Yeah, she said it was animal magnetism.

You love her?

Oh, my heart.

Well, then I'm afraid you'll have to
give her up. Give her up?

The only decent thing to do. She's a
lovely, beautiful thing.

Now, could she live on your private
salary? Do you want to see her scrubbing

floors, doing dishes?

Do you want to see her grow old and
withered right before your very eyes?

Gee, I never thought of that. Well,
think of it now. And if you really love

then you'll have to give her up. It's a
far better thing to do.

But, George, what am I going to tell
her? She's mad about me. Well, tell her

found someone else. It'll devastate her
for a few years, but she'll get over it.

Well, I know it must be done.

Good job.

Dixie Darcelle.

Monty, sweetheart, how are you, baby?

My dear, if you have questions, there's
something I must tell you.

It's all over between us.

What? There's somebody else. Sorry, but
that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Wait a minute. What are you trying to
say? Who do you think you're talking to?

No tears, my dear. It's just one of
those things. And now may I hold you for

last time before I say goodbye? No, wait
a minute.

My lousy luck.

Oh, your luck will change, Dixie. You
may not think so now, but there are

men in this world.

Goodbye.

Thanks for nothing, Bilko. Oh, the poor
girl. She's taking it so badly.

I'm proud of you, pal. Let's get back to
camp. You did this beautifully. James

Mason couldn't have handled it better.

It's your idea, Sarge, and I'm so
thankful.

You can count on me any time, pal.

Sarge, when did I ever... do to deserve
a pal like you?

I don't know, but don't do it again.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jane
Keene as Dixie, Ronald Long as Lord

Rockford, Lucy Landau as Lady Rockford,
and George Turner as the butler.