All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e27_guinea_pig_bilko

Good afternoon, sir.

Would you mind signing this, please?
What is it, Parker? The payroll receipt,

sir. Tomorrow's payday, you know.

So soon?

You look pale, sir. What's wrong?

Bilko.

Oh, I know what you mean.

The sight of all that fresh money around
will drive him wild.

Yes. Payday to Bilko is like a full moon
to Bela Lugosi.

Isn't there some way of restraining him?

I'd put him in a straitjacket if I
wasn't sure he could deal cards with his

toes.

Parker. For the next three days, this
won't be a camp. It'll be a casino.

I have an idea, sir, that may help a
little. Let's hear it.

Well, Bilko never gets up before 12 o
'clock.

Instead of paying them in in the
afternoon, why don't we pay them early

morning? Good thinking, Barker.

At least that'll give the poor devils a
couple of hours' head start. I thought

you'd like that, sir.

I'll pass the word around. Would 10 a
.m. be all right, sir?

Come on.

What is it, sir?

Nothing.

Says that I studied four years at West
Point, three years at War College, two

years at field officer school, all
leading up to outmaneuvering one greedy

sergeant.

Anthony, BFC Company A.

Brinkman, Corporal Company A. Let's go,
men. Keep it moving. Charles, Private

Company A.

Marker, it's working. We're pulling it
off. It looks that way, sir.

We finally got Bill to go to sleep at
the switch.

Ernie? Todd, what happened? Oh, I must
have had a terrible dream. It was a

nightmare. I dreamt there was money all
around me and I couldn't touch it. I

couldn't even bend down and pick it up.

Oh, it was horrible.

It was probably the Charmaine at 2 o
'clock in the morning. No, it's that

feeling I got right here.

Your heart?

No, my right side where my ballerina is.

Come on, Ernie, relax.

You always get nervous and keyed up on
payday.

Payday! That's what it is. I knew it was
something.

Come on and confess to me. Todd, it's
only 10 o 'clock.

No, no, no, no. I got a premonition
plan. What is it, Ernie? What is it,

He's not going to get away with it,
believe me. Who?

The Colonel. How can he do this with me?
I've been with him 15 years. But do

what? Do what?

Double -cross me on behalf of 10 ,000
men he hardly knows.

Clemens, CFP, Headquarters Company. Come
on, men, hurry along.

Keep moving.

Davis, Corporal Headquarters Company.

Right along, right along, right along.

Parker, this is the greatest escape
since Dunkirk.

Come on, men.

Those of you who want to send money
home, you still have an hour and a half.

Maybe the tide's turning at last,
Colonel. Could be, Barker. Let's go have

of coffee and celebrate.

Yes, sir.

Keep it moving right along, Fletcher.
Yes, sir. Keep it moving.

Company B, Doberman, private.

Hey, what is this, Fletcher? Since when
are the men getting paid at 10 o 'clock

in the morning? Colonel's orders.

Huh? Was I right? Did I tell you? Do you
mind staying out of the way, Bill? All

right, come on, come on. Get out your
account book. See you later.

Hello there, Doberman. Just a minute.
How much is he owe?

What for?

What for?

You wanted me to bring you back some
cakes from Grove City?

Let me see 24 cupcakes. That was $5
plus, $2 amusement tax. Amusement tax?

Anybody that enjoys eating as much as
you do should be taxed.

24 cupcakes?

Look, that's my fault that you got a
sweet cuss. Keep it moving, please.

Hello there.

dollars, please. Six dollars for what?

You borrowed my toupee twice last week.
Keep it moving. I see them. I see them.

Here we have Fleischman. Here we have
Gomez. Ten dollars for Fleischman. Three

dollars for Gomez. Ten bucks for what?

You wanted a blind date? I arranged it
for you. She was nothing, sir.

I can guarantee you a Miss America
moment. Hello there, Gomez, my little

Cuban. You wanted an autographed picture
of Fidel Castro?

That was three dollars.

Hello,

Bilko. How much is Molyneux?

Nothing. No wonder he said hello. All
right, keep it moving. Keep it moving.

Here's a buck, Sarge.

Buck what for? You don't owe anything.
Take it. You'll think of something.

All right,

that's what I'm waiting for, the big
Jackson. This will be it. Them I'll get

do what I want.

Your name is Zimmerman, and you owe?
Eight dollars. Eight dollars. Eight

dollars. I only borrowed five.

Look, don't you ever think of overhead?

And are you accusing me of being crooked
or something?

Can I have my money before I answer that
question? Yes, yes. Keep it moving.

Keep it moving. Hello there, Sugarman.
That's five dollars.

What for?

Kitchen insurance. You keep paying your
premiums, you won't be on KP. Keep it

moving.

What's going on here? I get it. I
promise to see you. Come on.

We're going to have a talk once and for
all. Not now, sir. It's the height of my

busy season. What?

Oh, hello, Grover. How about a little
lunch?

Nothing to do, Belko. Here it is. Take a
last look. Belko, I order you to leave

these men and their money alone.

Grover, look.

I've never seen Bilko like that before,
sir. It's only the beginning, Barker.

For the next three days, he'll be all
over this camp like an octopus.

Well, you're not going to give up now,
are you, sir? Of course not. There's

nothing I like better than a good losing
fight.

He was hired at the radio shack at 1400,
sir. And at the gun shed at 1430.

If he seems to be moving south east, I
would say... He wouldn't be that

Parker. Knowing Bilko, I'd say he'd
strike north of here. Quite possibly,

Lieutenant. Yes, sir. Get a squad of men
together and deploy them around the

quartermaster warehouse.

Yes, sir.

Colonel Hall speaking.

Did you confiscate the roulette wheel?

Good work, Captain.

Captain, please. I'm on the rifle range.
Rifle range?

But that's on the western edge of the
camp. I know it. You can never tell

he'll strike next. It's a new strategy.

Gorilla gambling.

Yes, what is it? That's from Grove City,
sir.

Oh, no, he's broken loose in Grove City.

Any answer, sir? Yes.

Tell the mayor he has my permission to
take whatever steps he thinks necessary.

Yes, sir.

How did Bilko manage to get to town so
fast, sir? I don't know, Barker.

I'm wondering if he shouldn't alert San
Francisco.

I think we need outside help. Barker, we
can't call in the FBI to cope with just

one man.

Well, why not, sir? Dillinger was just
one man.

Yes, what is it? Sergeant Rissy's wife
is outside with a complaint about Bill

Cole. I haven't got the strength to see
her. Put her in touch with the Army

Relief Fund.

Yes, sir. Major Wallace, Pentagon to see
you.

Major Wallace, Pentagon?

Wonderful. Send him in. Yes, sir. This
is it, Barker.

Maybe he's going to replace me.

Oh, good afternoon, Colonel. Good
afternoon, Major. This is my adjutant,

Barker. Barker? How do you do, sir? Have
a seat.

Oh, thank you.

What can I do for you? Well, Colonel,
I'm with the Surgeon General's Office at

the Pentagon.

We've chosen Camp Fremont to field test
a new tranquilizer we've developed.

Tranquilizer? You came to the right
place.

Veteran army personnel have a tendency
to develop hyperactivity neurosis.

Hyperactivity neurosis? Yes, sir. The
main symptom is the inability to

concentrate on military duty, coupled
with excessive misdirected energy.

Bilko.

Oh, nothing gone.

I venture to say that you have your
share of men suffering from this form of

neurosis. Major, I venture to say we
have with us the leader of the whole

movement.

How would your tranquilizer still affect
these men, Major?

Well, for one thing, we think it will
make them more satisfied with their

environment. Secondly, it will probably
alleviate certain neurotic compulsions.

You mean like conniving, gambling,
scheming?

Yes, I would say those were symptoms of
hyperactivity neurosis.

In other words, Major, your tranquilizer
would stop a chronic troublemaker in

his tracks?

Quite possibly.

Doctor, how can I thank you?

I haven't done anything yet. But you
will.

I'll draw up a list of the ten most
critical cases.

I'm sure we can find nine others.

These tests must be conducted with a
certain amount of secrecy. What do you

mean? Well, in order to ensure genuine
reactions, the men must know they're

being given this drug.

Oh, I see.

So with your permission, I'll just check
in at the base hospital and choose my

guinea pigs from among those soldiers
coming in for treatment. Fine, fine.

luck, Major. Thank you, Colonel.

Good luck, sir.

Now, sir, how do we get Belko to check
into the hospital?

Simplest thing in the world, Barker.

Announce that we're going on bivouac,
and he'll be in the hospital fashioning

you to take on his marriage.

And here we have a number, the number
being 33.

Hey, ain't there no 17 in there? I
need...

Try to conduct yourself like a group of
gambling men, not a group of old ladies

at a charity bazaar. And here we have
number five. Bingo!

Well, we have another winner.

It's not another winner. It's the same
one. That's the third time in a row for

Rocco.

And I resent your insinuation that this
game is crooked.

Henshaw is blindfolded, isn't he? What
more do you want? A wall and a firing

squad. All right, Mullen. One more
remark like that and you're out. of this

game. What's the difference? I'm broke
anyway.

That's the remark. You're out of the
game.

Another card, another dollar.

All right, gentlemen, don't be
downhearted. You may be unlucky in

you're lucky in love. Your sergeant
loves you.

How do we do, Hens? 35 bucks. That
counts the 15 rocker one. What do you

not counting the 15 rocker one? Get it
up, son. Quickly, here we are. All

get all the stuff out of your hand.

Let's not forget this.

What's this? Number 17.

All right.

Fixing a bingo game? That's
sacrilegious.

You're right. I don't know what comes
over me around payday. I go berserk.

you forget all the little rules of fair
play that you ignore the rest of the

month. I'll tell you what.

Pay the platoon welfare box, okay? That
won't help.

You're the only guy that has the key to
the box.

All right, here, here.

What time is it?

Four o 'clock.

Where's Grover and Coogan? They're
supposed to be here.

I think they're down at PX having
something to eat. How can they take a

a time like this?

Well, let me see now. When they do get
here, I'll be ready soon.

Won't take me more than an hour to clean
them both out.

Go to pool. I'll take it. I'll get into
town. You know, everybody's been paid.

I'll scatter from group. I feel it in my
blood. This is going to be a big

killing this week. Uh -uh, Ernie. Bad
news from the colonel. I'll sweep down

all of them. They won't know I did them.
I'll give them a double shove.

What bad news?

Bivouac tomorrow.

Oh, no.

Here we go again.

Remember the last bivouac?

Sleeping on the hard ground in pup
tents, working from dawn to dawn, eating

K -ration?

You weren't on the last bivouac.

I know, but you told me about it. I
don't forget things.

There's only one thing left to do. I'll
have to go to see the colonel.

Penny,

you had pneumonia last time. Oh, you
weren't listening. I coughed twice.

This will be double pneumonia.

What can be keeping Bilko?

That notice was delivered almost five
minutes ago.

Be patient, sir. You know Bilko. He may
be having himself brought over on a

stretcher.

Bilko stopped with a little pill.

If it works, that'll be the best news
the Army's had since Vanguard went into

orbit. That's it, sir. Make it good,
Barker. I don't want Bilko getting

suspicious. Yes, sir.

Barker, this is the bivouac area I've
chosen.

That area is mostly swamp.

That's exactly the terrain I want.

I'll be with you in a minute, Bilko.

Remember, Barker, this is an amphibious
exercise.

the men trained to fight under the worst
possible conditions.

And another thing, Barker. I won't
tolerate goal -breaking.

I want every man in camp on this
bivouac.

Sir, Major Wallace has already excused
Private Thatcher.

Thatcher?

Major Wallace at the base hospital says
Thatcher is too tense and too high

-strung for a bivouac of this type.

Very well. He'll be the only one that's
excused. Remember that, Bilko. Oh, yes,

sir. I wouldn't want to miss this
outdoor adventure, sir. That's the

Bilko. Now, what did you want to see me
about? Oh, sir, since we're going into

swampy terrain, I'll have my men wear
their ponchos, sir.

Go to it, Bilko. Thank you, sir.

You think it works, sir?

I'll say.

Now he's heading for that base hospital
as fast as his tense, high -strung legs

will carry him.

Major Wallace, so far we have a total of
six men lined up for your tranquilizer

experiment. Yes, but they're all
comparatively mild cases.

Oh, I'd like at least one or two really
advanced cases of hyperactivity

neurosis.

What's your name, sir? Please, Sergeant
Bilko. But I have no time for these

little details. This is an emergency.

Where is Major Wallace? I'm Major
Wallace. Well, oh, you are. Thank you.

you very much, sir. Now, calm down,
Sergeant.

I'm done. How can I calm down? I need
this little bit of help. Where is Major

Wallace? I'm Major Wallace. Oh, yes, you
said that. Thank you very much, sir.

Will nobody help me? Well, no, I just
can't calm down. You're going to be all

right, sir. Will I? Thank you all for
it.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Oh, why do they slam doors when they go
on?

How long have you been in the service,
Doctor?

Oh, uh, 15 years, sir.

How long have you been suffering from
this nervous condition?

Oh, months and months, sir. I can't
understand what happened. I used to be

a rocket you brought us, sir, but now,
now I'm as nervous as a charm cat on a

hot tin roof, sir.

Why don't they clean this one, sir?

Isn't it difficult to concentrate on
your military duties? Oh, yes!

Yes, I can't say, sir.

What I need is a few days in the
hospital, perhaps, and then I could calm

Don't scratch with that pen, sir.

Easy now, Sergeant. Yes, I'll be easy. I
think I have something here that can

help you. Oh, then you'll send me to the
hospital for a few days, sir.

Now, here.

What? Just take two of these.

What are those, sir? Oh, it's just a
little something to calm you down.

Oh!

Thank you, sir. Now...

Which ward do I go to, sir? Well, I
don't think hospitalization will be

necessary, Sergeant. I just want you to
come see me every morning and evening

for the next few days. Oh, sir, how
could I do that when the very thought of

bivouac just shatters me, shatters me. I
don't know what happened to my

religious... There will be no bivouac
for you, Sergeant. No bivouac, sir. I'll

call the colonel personally.

Well, thank you, sir. You have no idea
what you've done for me. Well, that's

true, Bilko, but we'll find out soon
enough. Thank you very much, sir.

you stop him once and for all. What do
you say? Down with Bill Cole!

Let's get the car and message him. Hey,
hey, there he is! Hey,

wait, wait. What is this, a posse? Now,
Bill Cole, we want to have a serious

talk with you.

We'll have to get a chair.

Are you kidding? The doctor gave me two
aspirins and excused me from bivouac.

Double pneumonia?

Oh, no, much more serious.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown,
Clem.

I've got to hand it to you, Eddie.
You're going to be the only guy in the

cemetery with a gold brick for a
tombstone.

That girlfriend, Coogan, are on their
way home. Good. I'll take them for every

cent. I feel great tonight.

You fellas feel warm in here?

Not particularly.

Certainly, I feel very alone.

Corporal, would you mind opening a
window or two?

Sure, thank you.

Well, I might as well get loose if I
want to work on him tonight. I want to

sharp as... Hey, Ernie, it's time to

tune into racing results.

Racing results? Oh, heavens no. I want
to get some chamber music.

Listen to that little thing you do.

Sarge, do you feel okay? Would you like
a glass of water, a cup of coffee,

something? Oh, I feel splendid, but it's
often I see you ask all the time.

Thanks, Sarge. Are you sure you're all
right?

Why are you yelling?

You're disturbing my calm. I relax
still. I never felt so relaxed.

What happens? Who could that be?

Come in.

All right, Bill Cole, we want to have a
talk with you right now.

Why are they yelling at me like this?

We don't need any chairs.

I just wanted to see that you were
comfortable.

Watch it, Bender. It's a trap.

Oh, I love this part of the movement.
All right, Bilko. Now, hear me good.

I'm speaking for the entire platoon.

We're fed up with being swindled by you,
right?

Why is there a yelling? We're tired of
you keeping us busted all the time.

That's right. You're nothing but a
cheap, sharp -shooting conniver. And we

putting up with this anymore.

Now, what do you got to say to that?

Oh, did you hear what they told me? I
think that's terribly unfair.

It was.

I told you we were going to pull him
back down. You did. You did.

You did. You did.

Don't yell at them. You'll only make
them angrier.

Now, look, if you fellas think I've been
unkind... If you've been unkind, what

about that crooked bingo game? You think
the game was crooked?

Rocco, you have the key in the box. Give
them their money back. Hey, I told you.

What about the ten bucks for that blind
date, Bilko? Oh, she was a nice, quiet

girl. Sure she was quiet. She had one
foot in the grave.

Here's my address book. Make your own
selection.

Now you guys go if you want. Now get out
of here. You keep out of this, Rocco.

We're not through yet. I'll say we're
not. Listen, Mr. Strikes. When we're off

duty, I want you to keep out of my
personal life.

Sanders, how could you let them talk to
you like that? Why don't you fight back?

Fight? Oh, that would be vulgar.

I love

that move.

Why don't you lie down for a little
while, huh? Lie down? Why?

I never felt better in my life.

knew Bilko.

What a shock.

He was like a hero to me. I know what
you mean.

It's like finding out Rocky Marciano's
afraid of the dark.

Good afternoon,

Barker. Good afternoon, sir. Well, third
beautiful day in a row.

That's how long Bilko's been on those
tranquilizers.

Have you seen him, sir?

No, I haven't. And I must say, it feels
like a vacation with pay. Yes, sir. The

doctor's been keeping me informed.

Bilko gets in bed at ten and he's up at
six in the morning. He hasn't kept hours

like that since his mother cut out his
two o 'clock feeding.

Oh, you look troubled. What's the
matter?

Well, sir, it's the inpatient gout, sir.

What did you say?

Colonel. Paul, you've been feeling so
good, I didn't want to spoil it. But for

the last three days, there have been
card games in almost every barrack on

post. Well, how could that be? We'll go
in. Sir, they still have crime in

Chicago after this.

Eleven, eight, nine, ten.

Thanks, Mullen. Oh, don't give me no
thanks. Give me 15 bucks tomorrow.

Five dollars interest? Even Bilko only
took two.

Well, Bilko was a piker. Take it or
leave it.

Oh, and don't forget, pay off tomorrow,
you get a visit from Muscles.

10, 15, 17, 19.

That's it. 19?

Fender ain't going to like that. Well,
you tell Fender I'm not in his business

for my health.

I can't understand how Philco allows
this to go on.

Oh, look there.

He's coming out of his room now. Oh,
raise the window so I can hear him.

Fellows.

Fellows.

Let's go from time to time again. It's
against the rules to gamble in the

battery.

Fellows.

You're shooting dice. What's the matter
with you? Stay up, Bilko. If I want a

sermon, I'll go see the chaplain.

Turn the hard way. Shoot the hundred,
boy.

Paperelli, I'm going to be forced to
write to your parents.

Beat it, Bilko.

Honest to me.

There's your answer, sir.

Barker, the experiment has backfired. I
know, sir. We've tranquilized Bilko, and

the result is anarchy.

Oh, it's more than anarchy, Barker. It's
a revolt of the zombies. I think we'd

better find Major Wallace immediately,
sir. You're right, Barker. There are a

few things that I want to tell that
quack.

Major, it may be for you to know that I
consider your Nurex tranquilizer a

failure. I agree with you, sir.

I've observed that Nurex unfortunately
robs the individual of natural

aggressiveness and fighting spirit. Very
well, Major, but what I want to know,

how soon can you restore Bilko to his
old obnoxious self?

Well, if we suspend treatment, he should
return to normal within four to six

days. That's too long!

In six days, this camp could become a
summer resort for the mafia.

A strong stimulant of some kind.

I could use Benzedrine.

A strong stimulant. By George, that's
it.

Get me the paymaster.

Wallace, you give me an idea.

Pleasure. This is Colonel Hall. How much
money do we have in this aid?

Good. Well, bring it to my office.

You heard me. The whole $50 ,000.

Thank you,

Colonel.

so wonderfully happy and relaxed.

Thanks to Major Wallace here.

Yeah. Oh, sir.

Did you hear Leonard Bernstein last
night? He conducted Tchaikovsky's Sixth,

sometimes referred to as the Pathétique.

You see, when he first wrote the
symphony, he didn't think it was much

when they asked him what's the name of
it, he said it was pathetic.

And so since then, they call it
Pathétique, but it's really his Sixth.

What shall I do with it? Dump it on the
desk. Dump it?

You heard me. On the desk.

Bilko. Sir?

Will you be a good fellow and make these
into neat piles for me? Well, of

course, sir.

Here, sit down. Thank you, sir.

Colonel is going shopping?

How much would you say was there, Bilko?
Oh, lots and lots.

You can touch the money, Bilko. It's all
right.

Where's about 50 pounds?

About 50 pounds?

It's about $50 ,000, dear. Say it again,
Bilko. 50 pounds!

I didn't steal it. I got a perfect
alibi.

Nobody's accusing you, Bilko. I think
he's all right.

All right, Fletcher. That'll be all.
Take it back.

Let me help you, boy.

Split this down. No. Pilko!

Come, I'll go with you, boy. No, no, no,
Pilko!

Pilko! Pilko!

Want to try a Pilko?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dan
Fraser as Major Wallace, Nick Saunders

Captain Barker, Jimmy Little as Sergeant
Grover, and Jim Bowles as Fletcher.