All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e26_bilkos_godson

Get a load of this.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, unless we receive
payment by the first of the month, we

will be forced to attach your salary to
California Collection Bureau.

Get this one.

Sergeant Ernest Bilko, this is the
fourth letter we've written regarding

bill. Since we have not heard from you,
we have turned the matter over to our

lawyers. Signed, the Grove City Tailor
Shops.

Get a load of this.

Dear Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.

Our small claims department informs me
that you are $200 in arrears. Unless

payment is made promptly, we will be
forced to turn the matter over to our

mugging department.

Signed, Kirk the Bookmaker.

All right.

I don't want to hear any more.

Dear Sergeant Bilko, you owe us. Dear
Sergeant Bilko, where's our money? Dear

Sergeant Bilko, pay us.

Look at that.

I just had the money they spent on
stamps. I'd be out of debt.

Did you try calling the Grove City Loan
Association?

See if they could get a loan.

No good. They got a new device.

The minute the name Bilko is heard, the
phone automatically shuts off and the

window shades come down.

Seems every time you hear the name
Bilko, they run.

This is the thanks I get, huh?

There was a recession. The president
sent by, so I bought. The recession's

Do I get one letter of thanks from the
president? No, this is what I get.

Bilko's kind of lost its charm, huh,
Ernie?

Ain't that right, Ernie?

Ernie? Ernie?

Who's Ernie?

You are. Not anymore, I'm not. I'm
changing my name, pal.

You're changing your name? Why?

Why? This is why.

Everybody's after Ernest G. Vilko. Once
I change my name legally, I start life

anew, pal.

Hey, that's a wonderful idea.

What are you going to change it to?

I don't know. It's got to be a nice
American name. Something with an honest

to it.

Abraham Lincoln?

Too honest, Ernie. Maybe right. Give me
the phone.

Put the pages out, random pick name, and
that'll be it, pal.

delicatessen. First name of three
different people and that will be my

name. Flip.

All right. What?

Woodrow. Good. I like the sound of that.
Move it.

Okay. Hopkins.

Woodrow Hopkins.

It's got a... Yeah, go ahead.

All right.

Wong.

Sounds like the first Chinese president
of the United States.

Look, why don't you just use Woodrow
Hopkins? That sounds solid. Good.

I like that.

I'll go to the courthouse on my tonight.
I will be legally known as Sergeant

Woodrow Hopkins. Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute. What about these bills?

Bills? Those are Bill Ghost bills.
That's his problem.

Come on, Steve.

Yes, Woodrow.

I'm really... Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah,
Mullen. I got one right there. Bender.

Yeah? Any mail for Sergeant Woodrow
Hopkins?

Woodrow Hopkins?

No, nothing, son.

See that, Rattle? No bills this month.

Ow! Son, who's Woodrow Hopkins?

Your new sergeant.

New sergeant? Hey, fellas, we got a new
sergeant. Yay!

When's he coming, Sarge? He's here right
now. Tell him, Rock. Ernie changed his

name. From now on, he is Sergeant
Woodrow Hopkins.

What's the matter, Sarge? Are you hot?
Oh, shut up. Hey, what do I do with all

the bills to Sergeant Bilko? Burn them.
I don't read other people's mail.

Goldman. Yes, Sarge? I'll have to go
through all my laundry and change all

monograms from E .B. to W .H.

On the towels, too? Everything.

Hey, Sarge.

Telegram for you. Take it back. Take it
back. Gomez. Ernie doesn't live here

anymore. Wait a minute. They don't sell
bills by wire.

But the plea on the safe side, you
better open it. And don't read it to me

it's bad news. Just read it real quick.
All right, sir. If you think I should

know about it, let me hear it. No,
Sarge.

It's from our old supplier, Sergeant
Joey Moran.

Joey Moran.

He's probably in trouble. Wants me to
get him out of it just like I did all

during the war.

Oh, no, Sarge. Get a load of this.

Dear Ernie, have become father of
bouncing baby boy.

Because of our deep friendship during
the war, we want you to be the baby's

godfather.

Let me see that.

How do you like that? I'm a godfather.

Wait a minute. They're even naming the
baby after me.

What are they going to call it? Woodrow
Hopkins Moran?

It's got to be Ernest Bilko Moran.

But you're changing it. Who's changing
it? If Ernest Bilko is good enough for a

bouncing baby boy, it's good enough for
me.

So, beloved parents and dear friends, I
name this baby Ernest Bilko Moran.

Congratulations. He does lovely boys. Is
the ceremony over? Yes, it is. Oh, you

were very good, Ernie. You did very
good, baby. All right, I'll take the

Ernie. Well, what will you take? I'm the
godfather. I'll hold the baby. Oh, let

him, Joey.

You'll be able to hold the baby all the
time. Ernie's just here for the weekend.

What is this? What is back?

What is this?

This is a baby.

Hello, sweetheart.

Look at him. Look at those eyes. Look at
that nose. Most little babies look like

Doberman. Look at him. How beautiful. He
looks like me, don't you think?

Well, you both got the same amount of
hair.

You're beautiful.

Beautiful. Let you hold who? What? Who?
Who? Who are you?

Oh, this is my mother, the baby's
grandma.

Well, all right, but I don't approve of
this arm -hopping. Now, you be gentle.

Now, the whole baby's got to be very
careful. Oh, hello, sweetheart.

I'm your grandmother.

Uh -oh. I'm sorry, you guys. We want to
shout, Father. Now, don't be offended.

It's just my experience.

Oh, Mother, it's all right.

Hold the baby.

Who? Who?

Who sneezed?

I sneeze. Why?

You'll have to go out. Out. But I'm
Uncle Max. You should have thought of

before you sneezed. Now, I'll do it.

Yes.

Sneeze. Look, look, you'll have to. I
want him out of here. Wait a minute,

Ernie. That's my uncle. You can't throw
him out.

Well, all right. But you will take shots
that you hate. If you're going to

sneeze, sneeze up there. If you won't
come into the dining room. There's

sandwiches and coffee. Oh, Frances, go
on and serve your guests. I'll hold the

baby. Oh, but I wanted Joey to take him
to the park for a little while so he'd

get some fresh air.

You mean in the park? With his own
carriage?

Oh, let me take him. I want him to feel
wanted. I don't want him to feel

rejected by his godfather. Believe me,
Frances, this will save you a lot of

money later in analysis.

I'll have you in the car. Come, little
angel, dare hear me sing along with his

godfather.

is a baby, isn't he?

Mine's five weeks and two days.

How much does the boy weigh? Oh, eight
pounds, four ounces.

Oh, well, don't worry. We can't all be
muscle men.

Mine's nine pounds and seven ounces.

What's his blood type?

Me? Eight.

How's he been eating?

Well, he's still on formula.

Still on formula?

Sure.

How many teeth has he got? Well, he
hasn't got any teeth yet.

No teeth?

You sure it's a boy? Well, of course
it's a boy.

He might grow out of it. What do you
mean, grow out of it? There's nothing

with my boy. Nobody said there's
anything wrong with him. It's just that

want to compare babies, you don't have
to be Dr. Spock to see the difference.

What's his name?

Dennis.

Dennis Harford, Jr.

Nice name for a ballet dancer.

A ballet dancer?

Let me tell you something, soldier. This
ballet dancer is going to be an All

-American pullback.

Really? That little skinny... What
school?

Pussycat Brett?

Pussycat Brett?

I'm talking about the University of
Michigan. On the day that kid was born,

enrolled him in the class of 1977.

Yeah, well, you tell him to watch
himself in the Rose Bowl game.

Of course, Stanford has got a
quarterback named Ernie Bilko Moran.

Is that so? Yeah, that's so. Well, I'll
remember that, soldier.

Yeah, if you want to bet, I'll give you
ten points right now.

I'll take care of this. First thing,
your mom went out of Palo Alto and

you in the class of 1977.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I have good news.

After screening the top universities,
Yale, Princeton, Harvard, I decided to

favor Stanford University.

Oh, a donation.

Oh, better than that. You're going to
get my godson. I want to enroll him in

this university.

Oh, for the next semester?

Oh, good heavens, not for some time yet.

Oh, you're interested in future and...
That's right.

Now, uh...

What year?

1977.

And what year did you graduate from
Stanford?

Oh, I didn't.

You mean you didn't finish?

I didn't start.

I'm terribly sorry, but I can't accept
an enrollment at this time.

Why not?

Well, an enrollment so far in advance is
reserved as a courtesy only for the

children of Stanford students and
graduates.

You mean just because I went to Oxford
instead of Stanford, I can't enroll my

godson? Oh, of course not. Of course you
can. You'll just have to come back

later. How much later?

1976.

I may be stationed on the moon then.

Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Hello?

No, this is Miss Henderson.

I'm here in the morning.

Miss Whitcomb comes on duty in the
afternoon.

Thank you.

Well, you've been a great help. Perhaps
you can tell me something further.

Is there a clothes shop near here? I
want to get some clothes for a new

Oh, yes. Right across the campus. Thank
you very much.

No, Dean, I'll just keep him on duty,
but I'll take care of it this afternoon.

Come in.

Mrs. Lindenbaum.

Did you ever question a role for
college? Yes. Oh, thank you. I can

I want to be the first one off to the
Greek club.

You? You mean you want to go to college?
Oh, I see. You're surprised.

A man of my age just entering college.
Well, you see, I only just got out of

high school. It couldn't be helped.

High school?

Well, let me explain.

You see, Dad... was in the import
-export business, and so I was educated

Armenia. As a matter of fact, I
graduated the University of Armenia with

Well, when we came to America to further
my education, we were surprised to find

the American standards of education were
much higher than ours in Armenia, and

so I had to be set back a bit.

Where did they put you?

Fifth grade.

That's why it took me so long to get
there.

Very unusual.

Do you have your high school diploma
with you?

Armenian or American?

American. Oh, darn.

I sent that to Mother in Armenia. She
hung it up on the wall.

Well, then do you have your Armenian
diploma?

Well, yes, but you see, it's at the
cleaners. At the cleaners? Yes, in

when we have a sheepskin, it's a real
sheepskin.

The fat American sheep. And, oh, darn, I
could show you the cleaning ticket.

Very unusual.

I'm afraid if you can't produce at least
a high school diploma, you'll be

required to take our entrance
examination.

Entrance examination?

Well, with a man of your educational
background, I'm sure you'll have no

trouble. It's a three -part examination.

History, mathematics, and science.

Oh, I see. Well, don't they let you
choose your own category, like sports or

movie style?

I think most students would prefer that.

Now, the examinations will start Monday
morning at 10 o 'clock.

Room 502 Hadley Hall.

Monday morning, 10 o 'clock. Oh,
splendid.

That'll give me time to brush up on my
pashnish kebabs.

Pashnish kebabs. That is Armenian for
the conjugation of verbs. You know, I

pashni, you pashni, she pashni.

Or as we say in Armenia, saroyan.

Give me another question. You didn't
answer the last one yet. I'll come back

it. Give me another question. All right.

Name ten of the original signers of the
Declaration of Independence.

Can I have the original signers or the
decoration of independence?

George Ruston. Right. Thomas Jefferson.

Right. Benjamin Franklin.

Right.

Howard Johnson.

I'll come back to it. Try sign.

Yeah. Give me the chemical components of
magnesium phosphate. Chemical

components of magnesium phosphate.

Carbonated water, lime, raspberry.

Give me some math questions. I don't
think one out of three pairs.

Look, you've got to help me. I've got to
pass that entrance examination or the

kid will never get into Stanford.

Look, why don't you let the baby take
the exam? He could do better.

I don't need ribbing.

Maybe he is a big help. What do you
mean? I'll get somebody else to take the

examination. Look, if I take the
examination, my godson will never get

college. Well, wait a minute. Who are
you going to get? I'll find someone.

I see you for a minute? Look, we're
busy, Pat Riley. Please.

Sarge, could I have three bucks until
payday? Are you kidding? I got my own

problem. Sarge, I got to see this show.
It's a historical pageant. It's my

favorite subject.

Historical?

Hey, he likes history. I love it. What's
the name of the show?

It's the history of burlettes. All the
famous...

and go through the records. Good idea.
Sarge, Sarge, could I see you a second?

What do you want, three dollars?

No, Sarge, five. Sure, five. He wants to
sit in the box seat. The balcony ain't

good enough for him.

Well, Sarge, it's probably the only
chance I'll ever get to see Carl

He's not interested in the strippers. He
wants to see the comics. What is Carl

doing, all cut up and breathing? Pick up
my old hat. Who's got pockets?

Front of the pocket. Meet you now in the
morning. In the half hour. What are you

talking about?

It's Carl Sandburg, the Lincoln
biographer. You know, the famous

Well, he's giving a lecture in town.

Hey, he's on the level.

You like history.

Oh, Sarge, please don't kid me about it.
Ever since I was eight years old,

people have always kidded me because I
knew so much about history. Yeah? Did

they ever kid you because you knew ten
of the original signers of the

Declaration of Independence?

I know all 55. Robert Morris, William
Whipple, Menlo. Hold it, hold it. Save

for the exam.

What exam?

You're going to put a worthy godson
through Stanford University.

Hey, Ernie, what about the other
subjects?

I'll try it.

Give me the component parts of magnesium
phosphate.

Magnesium phosphate.

Let's see.

Carbonated water line. Look.

We know history.

But, Sarge, what good is that?

What good is it? You'll pass one -third
of the exam.

You. Here's five bucks.

Go and see your car, Sam. Be within
reach. I want to brief you about

Move it. Move it.

Now we've got to find somebody who knows
science and math. We'll go down to the

chemical warfare lab. It's full of
scientists.

Come on.

I tell you, you're nuts.

Sputnik has got it all over Vanguard.

What? Sputnik? Vanguard can do anything
Sputnik can do. You don't know anything.

What is this about Miss Vanguard?

Well, is this a scientific discussion in
my platoon?

Yeah, I'm being scientific. He's being
prejudiced.

Sarge, who do you think is the queen of
parlors? Miss Vanguard or Miss Vanguard?

You ever see Miss Vanguard at the
countdown?

Three, two, one, zero, and she blasts
the close -up.

Bilko, you and I got a little discussing
to do. Trey, what are you doing here?

They're not our bookmakers on the post.
This is a special visit, Bilko, for

patriotic reasons.

I want you to give me the 200 pictures
of George Washington you owe me. Can't

talk about this some other time? You
won't be able to talk some other time

unless I get paid this time.

All right, let's go into my office.

Look, you're even as good as Kate
Carnarvon. When she takes off a cape,

should watch out. It's a high -level
conversation.

Okay, so is this where you keep the
money? Look, Chuck, I'm going to level

you. If you don't pay me, Moose is going
to level you.

Look, I'll pay you. I'll pay you. How
much was it?

$200. $200.

Wait a minute. I thought it was $150.
Where did you get $200?

Simple. You bet $25 on a four -horse
poly, right? Right. So the poly paid off

$180. But since you owed me $70, that
means you only had $110 coming, which

split into three bets.

You lost $211, which paid $1480, which
you double.

which means you owe me 200 bucks.

That's amazing, Terry. How did you work
that out without a pen and pencil?

Simple algebra. The horse is X, the bed
is Y, and the result is the unknown

quantity. X minus Y equals M.

M? Moose.

Moose here is the common denominator
who's going to reduce you to a fraction.

Wait a minute. This is very interesting.

How do you know so much about
mathematics?

I was in charge of that section in the
prison library.

If they hadn't paroled me in two years,
I would have been a poor professor.

Hey, wait a minute. I want to show you
something.

Here.

This is a picture of my godson. I don't
accept kids. I want the $200 ,000.

Now, if you'll just do me a favor. I
want you to pass a college mathematic

entrance exam.

Bilko, you touched me.

If I had had someone like you to guide
me 20 years ago, I wouldn't be standing

here today threatening your life.

In the interest of higher education,
I'll do it. You'll do it? Look, Ernie,

still have to find someone to take the
science part of the exam.

Say, do you know anything about science?

What are the component parts of
magnesium phosphate?

That ain't my territory.

Magnesium, a silver -white metallic
element that burns with a dazzling

magnetic light.

Phosphate, a salt or ester of phosphoric
acid.

Hey, Moose, how do you know so much
about chemistry?

I used to be a bootleg.

There ain't no chemicals.

You know enough to pass a college
entrance exam?

I could make 25 -year -old scotch in an
hour. I could pass anything.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late. I was up all
night studying. Your name?

And it's G. Bilko. Oh, yes, the Armenian
student.

That's right, sir. Thank you very much.

Oh, I'll sit here. Here. Yeah, I'll sit
here.

The first part of the examination will
cover history.

You'll have 45 minutes to complete the
test.

Ready?

You may begin.

Hurry, April.

I didn't hear any sirens. Oh, you must
have, sir. They were off. I heard it,

sir. It came through the window and...

I thought it was one of the students
having a prank, sir. Well, we're right

the middle of an examination.

Well, I'm afraid the enemy wouldn't wait
for recess. Everyone down in the cell.

All right, let's cooperate. The army is
just doing their job. Oh, sir, what

about these? Leave the papers on the
table. Leave the papers on the table.

Finish the examination.

That's very well done. Thank you. Good.

Oh,

man, this is a snap.

The first question is, name ten signers
of the Declaration of Independence.

Oh, I know that.

I'm sorry to be interrupted by the air
raid

drill, but I think you've had sufficient
time to finish.

I've had all the time I need, sir.
What's next? The next examination is

mathematics. Will you please turn to it?
You will have another 45 minutes.

You may begin.

Signaling to the... Oh, no. It's just
rather warm in here. Now, let me see.

Higher a square equals the apostolate
subdued.

Excuse me, Professor. We're from the
California Health Department. We're here

fumigate this room. Fumigate the room?
Why? Well, we've discovered that the

Japanese Osaki beetle is in this area,
and we're afraid of the outbreak of

beetle heat.

Excuse me, Doctor. Is this a little
yellow bug with red dots on its back?

that's right. Put her all over the
place. Excuse me.

Fever? Fever?

Hey,

sir!

Are they kidding?

I took this stuff at first -time reform
school.

Ladies and gentlemen, your time is up.
I'm sorry you were interrupted again,

I'll make allowance for that in grading
the papers. All right, sir, I've had

enough time. Let's keep going. I'm hot.

The next part of the exam is science.
Science.

Ready?

Begin.

Mr. Bilko, I don't see you writing. Are
you having trouble? No, that's the way

it works, sir. Start late, finish early.

Come in.

Come in here.

Wife from Secret Service. What is it?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stanford
University will be honored by a visit

Vice President of the United States.

His motorcade will arrive on the campus
in five minutes.

The dean has asked the entire student
body to assemble on the quadrangle.

me.

On the desk. On the desk.

All right, let's move it out, everybody.

Oh, I hope he brought checkers with him.

Let's see. The first question is, what's
potassium nitrate?

Potassium nitrate, you know what it is?
Sure. I use it to make burger.

Oh, sir, is it a shame he didn't show
up?

Well, it certainly seems strange. There
was no one in the quadrangle but us. And

this is his home state, I can
understand. Well, let's try and get on

examination without any further
interruption.

Ready?

Begin.

Well, the jerk did the wrong
examination.

Okay,

we're in the wrong seats.

Oh, that's right. What exam? Full of
fast ones? No, nothing.

Nothing at all, sir. There'll be no
interruptions.

Congratulations, Mr. Bilko.

Thank you. You mean I passed the exam?

With the highest marks.

Oh, was I? You should be very proud.

Oh, we are.

We? Oh, in Armenian, we means I in the
familiar form.

Oh, me.

Oh, and going over your papers,
Professor... the Comas did remark that

handwriting kept changing from test to
test.

Well, you see, with such an arduous
test, I kept getting right as crap, so I

switched from righty to lefty.

You are an amazing student, and we're
going to be very proud to have you here.

Thank you so very much. And now that I
am a student, I would like to enroll my

godson for the class of 1977.

Oh, of course. It'll be a privilege.
What's the child's name?

Ernest Bilko Moran.

Good.

Now, as for you, Mr. Belko, the next
semester will start in two weeks. Thank

very much. Oh, Miss Whitacombe, if
something happens and I don't show up,

godson will be here in 1977.

Thank you, and good... Oh, may I say
goodbye to you, Armenian style?

Why, of course.

And we will fight for Stanford Red.

Come on, little Amy.

Well, good morning.

Morning. How's your baby?

Fine. How's your baby? My baby?

He's grown so much, I can hardly tell
him from... Oh, no, honey, give me that

back. Give, give, give.

He's so impatient, I keep telling him
he'll have to wait for 18 years.

Would you mind if I let my baby play
with that? Go right ahead.

Yeah, boy, look at him go for it. He
likes it. He likes it. Let's face it, we

can both be proud of our babies. Yes,
sir, we certainly can.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Well, what have we got here, twins?

Yeah, both boys.

Two boys.

That's remarkable.

What's so remarkable about it?

I've got two more sets of twins at home.
All boys.

Six boys?

He's raising his own football team.

I've got one.

That's all I've got, too.

Come on, Ernie. We're going home.

I want to have a long talk with your
parents.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Dora
Morandi as Mrs. Whitcomb, Warner Brooke

the father, Gordon Peters as Professor
Coleman, Paul Lipson as Turk, Ken Brower

as Moose, Norwood Smith as Joey Moran,
Norma Leary as Frances Moran, Catherine

Payne as Grandma, Joey Marks as Uncle
Max, and Raleigh Bester as Miss