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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,650 --> 00:00:01,650 DING! 2 00:00:29,640 --> 00:00:30,980 They look worse to me on Monday morning. 3 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,660 Thanks a lot, Sarge. You ain't exactly no oil painting yourself. 4 00:00:34,980 --> 00:00:37,880 Quiet, mullet. I don't want you to tell Castro all the slobs. 5 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:40,800 Zimmerman! Goverman! No. 6 00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:42,060 Goverman! 7 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:45,260 Goverman! Did you hear your name? What's the matter with you? 8 00:00:45,540 --> 00:00:48,060 Sarge, I got a stomachache. It hurts in here. 9 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,580 In here? How far in? About three feet? Four feet? 10 00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,820 Stop gouging yourself a wound right in there. 11 00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:54,700 And, uh... Yep. 12 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,040 Forbes! No. 13 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:57,229 Who's Forbes? 14 00:00:57,230 --> 00:00:58,670 New man, came in Saturday. New man? 15 00:00:58,890 --> 00:01:00,690 Forbes. Hey, how's Forbes? 16 00:01:01,450 --> 00:01:03,050 Hey, this is a large one. 17 00:01:04,010 --> 00:01:06,430 Welcome to the outfit, Forbes. I think you'll like it here. If you play ball 18 00:01:06,430 --> 00:01:09,530 with us, we'll play ball with you. We work hard, but we take time for little 19 00:01:09,530 --> 00:01:12,470 pleasures. You'll find there's always time for a friendly game of poker, 21 20 00:01:12,470 --> 00:01:14,170 roulette, off -track betting. 21 00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:15,590 Oh, 22 00:01:16,430 --> 00:01:17,430 this is going to be a problem. 23 00:01:17,530 --> 00:01:18,109 What's that? 24 00:01:18,110 --> 00:01:19,110 Don't you see it? It's obvious. 25 00:01:19,290 --> 00:01:21,370 Chest, wide shoulders, clean uniform. 26 00:01:22,050 --> 00:01:24,170 He stands out in this platoon like a healthy thumb. 27 00:01:24,590 --> 00:01:25,488 What's the problem? 28 00:01:25,490 --> 00:01:27,350 The problem? I can't have them lusting up my outfit. 29 00:01:27,730 --> 00:01:28,730 Suppose there's a full inspection. 30 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:31,850 They come in, they see Fender, Doberman, Fleishman, and in the middle of them, a 31 00:01:31,850 --> 00:01:32,850 human being. 32 00:01:33,930 --> 00:01:35,510 That's real bad. I've got to protect them. 33 00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:38,650 They're nothing much, but I've got to... Take that jacket off. Come on. Let's 34 00:01:38,650 --> 00:01:40,630 see what we can do with you. We've got to casual you up a little. You know what 35 00:01:40,630 --> 00:01:44,490 I mean? You don't want to be... Oh, my trouble. He's got muscles yet, too. 36 00:01:45,510 --> 00:01:48,710 No, then don't go bucking for... Let's... Doberman. 37 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,530 Give me that effect. Push it out. Push it out. 38 00:01:51,790 --> 00:01:53,050 All right. Pass it back the line. 39 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,700 It doesn't have to be so neat. What do you want to be? 40 00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,360 That's much better. All right, back in line. 41 00:01:59,900 --> 00:02:03,420 Hey, Sarge, you're going to finish the wrong call. It's almost time for chow. 42 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,580 Chow? Thought you had a stomachache. 43 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,120 I think it was hunger pain. 44 00:02:08,660 --> 00:02:09,699 This? This! 45 00:02:11,180 --> 00:02:14,380 You really worried about Forbes, then? Not really. Two weeks in a motor pool, 46 00:02:14,460 --> 00:02:15,460 he'll look like a tall dog. 47 00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:17,660 Colonel Hall wants to see you in his office right away. 48 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,780 Colonel wants to see me? Sounds like trouble. 49 00:02:20,250 --> 00:02:22,750 Hey, was there any gambling in the barracks while I was away? How could 50 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:26,250 be? You beat him out of every cent before you left. Hey, Sarge, maybe he 51 00:02:26,250 --> 00:02:28,850 out about your Jefferson Davis Day raffle. What was wrong with it? It was 52 00:02:28,850 --> 00:02:30,350 legitimate. I gave a $100 dollar prize. 53 00:02:30,570 --> 00:02:32,110 Yeah, but you paid off in Confederate money. 54 00:02:32,650 --> 00:02:34,250 That was weeks ago. What does he want now? 55 00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:37,490 Look, Ernie, it's just an outside chance, but maybe it has something to do 56 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:38,329 the Army. 57 00:02:38,330 --> 00:02:40,710 The Army, of course. I keep forgetting about the Army. 58 00:02:42,350 --> 00:02:45,170 I'll get right to the point. There's a new man in your army. outfit named 59 00:02:45,170 --> 00:02:48,330 Forbes. Have you seen him yet? Oh, yes, sir. Good, basic soldier material, sir. 60 00:02:48,370 --> 00:02:49,410 I'll whip him into shape. 61 00:02:49,710 --> 00:02:52,570 No, Bilko, you've got it wrong. He's going to whip you into shape. You and 62 00:02:52,570 --> 00:02:53,890 platoon of rambling wrecks. 63 00:02:54,130 --> 00:02:57,490 Oh, sir, I'll admit they're not picturesque, but... But nothing, Bilko. 64 00:02:57,930 --> 00:02:59,110 They're in terrible condition. 65 00:02:59,330 --> 00:03:00,630 I want them to go into training. 66 00:03:01,010 --> 00:03:02,410 Regular hours. Early to bed. 67 00:03:02,630 --> 00:03:03,630 Early to rise. 68 00:03:03,730 --> 00:03:07,690 Exercise. The works. Oh, sir, they get plenty of exercise, sir. Bilko, I don't 69 00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:09,710 call bending over to pick up dice exercise. 70 00:03:10,790 --> 00:03:12,230 Quiet, Bilko. 71 00:03:13,279 --> 00:03:16,420 Forbes was a physical training instructor in civilian life. That's why 72 00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:17,420 assigned him to your platoon. 73 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,480 But, sir, what was I to... See that he gets your full cooperation. 74 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,360 There still may be time to save Doberman. 75 00:03:22,780 --> 00:03:26,940 Save Doberman? Well, you know as well as I do, he's only 500 calories away from 76 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:27,940 exploding. 77 00:03:28,420 --> 00:03:33,400 Maybe a month of clean life will put you in condition when we go on Bivouac. 78 00:03:34,260 --> 00:03:36,040 Midlack, sir? I didn't expect you to understand. 79 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,320 It's a military term. 80 00:03:37,380 --> 00:03:39,780 Oh, my colonel is judging me. 81 00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:44,380 No, my sergeant. I was never more serious. The new regime starts tomorrow 82 00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:48,380 morning at 6 a .m. 6 a .m., sir? Well, even in the New Guinea campaign... You 83 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:51,860 heard me, Bilko. 6 a .m. But, sir, my eye doctor has warned me about the 84 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:54,700 sun. 6 a .m., Bilko. That's an order. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. 85 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,580 exercises. Let's go now. Come on here. 86 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,380 Come on. Let's fall in. Let's go. 87 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,120 Let's go. 6 a .m. 88 00:04:11,100 --> 00:04:12,380 Let's go. Come on. 89 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,280 Sergeant Bill called. 6 a .m. 90 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,100 I'm sorry, Sergeant. Let's go. 91 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:20,000 Come on, man. Let's fall in here. Let's go. 92 00:04:21,140 --> 00:04:25,980 Where is he? Where is he? What are you doing, Forbes? 93 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,520 You better fall in, Sarge. It's Colonel's orders. Let's have some 94 00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:30,840 Calisthenics. Let's go. 95 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,840 start off this morning with some deep breathing exercises. 96 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,020 Let's get some of that fresh morning air. 97 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:43,800 Come on. Way up on your toes and deep breathe. 98 00:04:44,180 --> 00:04:45,180 And again. 99 00:04:47,380 --> 00:04:48,379 That's good. 100 00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:51,780 All right, men. Now let's have some deep knee bends. All right. Arms up. 101 00:04:51,820 --> 00:04:53,400 Stretch. And one. 102 00:05:04,730 --> 00:05:05,729 Elbows up. 103 00:05:05,730 --> 00:05:06,730 Double time. 104 00:05:06,830 --> 00:05:07,830 Pause. 105 00:05:10,230 --> 00:05:11,230 Hey, 106 00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:17,970 you know, Berto's the only guy that don't feel good. Yeah, you know. 107 00:05:18,950 --> 00:05:20,110 Well, Sarge, what'd the doctor say? 108 00:05:20,390 --> 00:05:21,229 Bad news. 109 00:05:21,230 --> 00:05:22,230 I'm gonna live. 110 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,090 Hey, Sarge, don't you think that Forbes got a better physique than any of these 111 00:05:26,090 --> 00:05:27,690 guys? Why do you bother me? What do you want? 112 00:05:27,950 --> 00:05:30,890 Besides, Dino and I were having an argument. Yeah, a movie studio was 113 00:05:30,890 --> 00:05:31,890 for a new Tarzan. 114 00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:35,360 They're offering a $100 ,000 contract. And I said that Forbes got these... Will 115 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,020 you please stop bothering me about Forbes and his muscles, okay? 116 00:05:38,640 --> 00:05:39,640 Forbes. 117 00:05:39,820 --> 00:05:42,920 Sarge, Sarge. What do you got against Forbes? Nothing. He's going to be out of 118 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,140 here in a few days. This is a solemn promise I made to my aching muscles. I 119 00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:47,140 don't need this. 120 00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:48,900 $100 ,000. 121 00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,580 Who's looking for a new Tarzan? Who? 122 00:05:50,820 --> 00:05:51,820 That's a production. 123 00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,860 Forbes would be perfect for this. 124 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:56,719 Where is he? 125 00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:59,020 Where's the body beautiful? He's working out in the gym right now. Get him here 126 00:05:59,020 --> 00:05:59,879 on the double. Move it. 127 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,880 Look. Ernie, do you really think that Forbes is... I'll talk to you in my 128 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,320 I don't want anybody stealing my idea. 129 00:06:08,580 --> 00:06:11,780 Those movie companies make 2 ,000 or 3 ,000 pictures a year. Forbes will be 130 00:06:11,780 --> 00:06:14,080 famous all over the world. Yeah, but Ernie, how do you know we can act? 131 00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:16,980 What act? You don't have to act. All you have to learn how to do is stab animals 132 00:06:16,980 --> 00:06:17,980 and say two lines. 133 00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:19,700 Me, Tarzan. You, Jane. 134 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,800 What's good for you? Me, rich. 135 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,560 Hey, Sarge, how do we go about all this? 136 00:06:23,780 --> 00:06:24,599 Take a letter. 137 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,940 Sarles' Productions Incorporated. Yes, Sarge. 138 00:06:27,460 --> 00:06:28,460 Hold it. Come in. 139 00:06:28,750 --> 00:06:31,550 Do you want to see me, Sergeant? There he is. Is he beautiful, boys? I ask you. 140 00:06:31,610 --> 00:06:32,289 Is he beautiful? 141 00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:35,210 He sure is. Boy, I could go for you myself if I was a girl or a gorilla. 142 00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:36,210 here. 143 00:06:36,870 --> 00:06:37,870 I'll be right on the line. 144 00:06:38,450 --> 00:06:40,270 How would you like to be the new movie Tarzan? 145 00:06:40,690 --> 00:06:43,270 Me? Tarzan? See that? He knows the part already. 146 00:06:44,830 --> 00:06:47,910 Big companies are making a national wide search for a new Tarzan. I happen to 147 00:06:47,910 --> 00:06:50,550 think you've got talent enough to do it. Now, would you like to make a screen 148 00:06:50,550 --> 00:06:51,550 test this weekend? 149 00:06:51,710 --> 00:06:53,030 Does it have to be this weekend? 150 00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:55,250 Why, you got a date? Break it. This is more important. 151 00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:58,870 It's not a date, Sarge. I entered the Mr. Universe contest at Santa Monica 152 00:06:58,870 --> 00:06:59,609 this Saturday. 153 00:06:59,610 --> 00:07:00,449 Mr. Universe? 154 00:07:00,450 --> 00:07:02,810 Yeah, that's why I was over at the gym working out on the weights. That's 155 00:07:02,810 --> 00:07:04,990 perfect. That's even better. As Forbes, he's a nobody. 156 00:07:05,210 --> 00:07:07,230 But as Mr. Universe, we've got a selling point. 157 00:07:07,870 --> 00:07:10,790 Wait a minute, Sarge. Look, I've seen some of the competition. 158 00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:12,110 I don't even think I'm going to win. 159 00:07:12,370 --> 00:07:15,070 Really? Let me worry about that. Get back to the gym and do your set -up 160 00:07:15,070 --> 00:07:17,730 exercises. Be careful. Wear a robe. I don't want you catching a chill. Move 161 00:07:17,730 --> 00:07:18,730 Stay in shape now. 162 00:07:18,970 --> 00:07:20,550 Look, Ernie, are you going to fix the contest? 163 00:07:20,890 --> 00:07:22,990 Hanch, would I do anything underhanded? Yes. 164 00:07:23,250 --> 00:07:24,550 Then stop asking foolish questions. 165 00:07:26,150 --> 00:07:28,450 Next thing, you've got to get him one of those tight -fitting loincloths. Let 166 00:07:28,450 --> 00:07:29,450 that skin think that they're wet. 167 00:07:30,490 --> 00:07:33,250 Fender, I've never massaged one since you, Fender. 168 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,140 Skin? Don't you get it? There's going to be movie scouts at the Mr. Universe 169 00:07:38,140 --> 00:07:39,039 contest, right? 170 00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:41,940 And if the winner happens to be dressed like Tarzan, would that hurt us? 171 00:07:42,180 --> 00:07:44,900 Would it? Would it hurt us? What do you want, Bill? Good boy, look. Here's what 172 00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:47,680 I want you to do. Can you make me a tight -fitting loincloth to fit Forbes? 173 00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:49,240 Sure. What's a loincloth? 174 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:52,880 It's a male bikini. You know, the thing that Tarzan wears in the movies? Oh, 175 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:54,440 yeah. Only I want this made out of leopard skin. 176 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,460 Leopard skin? Yes. Why not mink? Are you nuts? 177 00:07:58,020 --> 00:08:01,300 Tarzan is brave. He ain't rich. You don't find mink in the jungle. You don't 178 00:08:01,300 --> 00:08:02,560 find leopards in the army either. 179 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:04,700 Leopard skin on this post. 180 00:08:05,060 --> 00:08:06,740 Somebody's got a leopard skin. I've seen it. It's in my... 181 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:11,170 Emma Ritzick. Emma Ritzick. Sarge, she may be a beast, but she ain't got spots. 182 00:08:12,130 --> 00:08:15,130 That old Levitskin coach she's got, she must be 15 years old. She'll be able to 183 00:08:15,130 --> 00:08:17,870 tear it up. You make a loincloth. Yeah, but what makes you think she's going to 184 00:08:17,870 --> 00:08:20,890 give it to you? You don't know Emma like I do. She's got a heart bigger than her 185 00:08:20,890 --> 00:08:21,890 mouth. 186 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,549 Emma, I've got to hand it to you. This is a perfect finish to a lousy meal. 187 00:08:33,770 --> 00:08:35,090 A lousy cup of coffee. 188 00:08:38,570 --> 00:08:41,230 take your slippers and your newspaper, go into the bedroom and drop dead. 189 00:08:42,909 --> 00:08:47,850 Why, did you cry your eyes out? Try me. Go ahead, just try me. Oh, there's 190 00:08:47,850 --> 00:08:48,609 somebody at the door. 191 00:08:48,610 --> 00:08:49,509 Wouldn't you know it. 192 00:08:49,510 --> 00:08:52,310 Company. Just when we have a chance for a nice, quiet evening at home. 193 00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:58,230 Come in. Ah, Rupert. And Emma, how are you? What do you want, Bilko? We're 194 00:08:58,230 --> 00:09:01,390 helping out with a worthy charity. You see, we're collecting clothes for the 195 00:09:01,390 --> 00:09:04,510 needy. Leave me alone, Bilko. Oh, surely, Emma, you have an old dress you 196 00:09:04,510 --> 00:09:06,990 spare? Oh, sure I have an old dress, but I can't spare it. 197 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:11,520 Say, Bilko, I got a pair of old slacks you could have. 198 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,580 Say, that's very generous of you, Rupert. Well, I hope you don't mind 199 00:09:14,580 --> 00:09:17,220 rip in one leg. That's where Emma bit me. Well, we'll take that. 200 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:21,560 Emma, safely you can spare some old coat or something like that. Are you 201 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,660 kidding? And tell me, who are you collecting this for? 202 00:09:24,020 --> 00:09:25,020 The Salvation Army. 203 00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:26,060 Well, what a coincidence. 204 00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:27,720 That's where I buy my clothes. 205 00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:31,480 Everybody knows you're one of the ten best, best women in camp. 206 00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:35,340 Ha, that's a laugh. Do you want to see my fabulous wardrobe? Do you want to see 207 00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:37,560 what I've got to show after 15 years of married life? 208 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:41,440 make me generous and never need to show all the clothes that you're talking 209 00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,900 about. There, that's my fabulous wardrobe. Oh, surely you can spare this 210 00:09:44,900 --> 00:09:48,400 old coat. Don't be silly. Who are you kidding? What will I have to keep me 211 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:49,400 in the winter? 212 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:50,660 Antifreeze? Oh, Antifreeze. 213 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:55,300 After the anniversary present that Rupert is going to give you. What? Oh, I 214 00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:56,620 and gave away the secret. 215 00:09:56,940 --> 00:09:58,940 What do you mean? Rupert's going to get me a new coat? 216 00:10:19,150 --> 00:10:21,130 Thank you very much, Steve. We'll see that you get your receipt the first of 217 00:10:21,130 --> 00:10:22,130 week. 218 00:10:23,510 --> 00:10:29,890 Where'd he go? Oh, Rupert, I'm sorry I yelled at you before. You're really very 219 00:10:29,890 --> 00:10:31,770 sweet. What are you talking about? 220 00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,030 Never mind. 221 00:10:33,690 --> 00:10:35,210 I can wait till next week. 222 00:10:36,990 --> 00:10:40,250 Emma, if I had known it happened years ago, I'd swear you were losing your 223 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,780 Let me see. Got to give a little dip here, a little carelessness. 224 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:50,220 That's what I want. Now, let me see. 225 00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:53,780 Give me the hairspray. Oh, hairspray. Now, look, this is for your own sake 226 00:10:56,520 --> 00:10:57,520 All righty, comb. 227 00:10:57,860 --> 00:11:00,500 A little dip for Rooney. Ah, that's it. 228 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:01,820 Very good. Now, wait a second. 229 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,560 Eyebrow pencil. Oh, no, not that. Now, look, I happen to know that Price 230 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,840 Westmore won two hours a day on Buster Crabbe. Now, let me help you with these 231 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,580 things. A little sweep, a little look of innocence. Up. 232 00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:12,840 Surprise. 233 00:11:14,110 --> 00:11:15,110 Prize on this side. 234 00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:15,909 Very good. 235 00:11:15,910 --> 00:11:17,670 Very good. Give me the merit. Well, what do you think? 236 00:11:18,030 --> 00:11:20,790 Well, maybe the contest winner will take me out to dance. 237 00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:22,210 Excuse me. 238 00:11:24,190 --> 00:11:26,810 The dame, the one who's supposed to paint when Forbes is announced, she's 239 00:11:26,810 --> 00:11:27,810 outside. Good. 240 00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:29,630 All right, hence, where is she? 241 00:11:29,850 --> 00:11:30,850 Over here, miss. 242 00:11:33,130 --> 00:11:34,150 Perfect. Perfect. 243 00:11:34,930 --> 00:11:36,210 Wide -eyed, giddy look. 244 00:11:37,350 --> 00:11:40,010 Miss, do you know what she's supposed to do for your $5? I think so. You mean 245 00:11:40,010 --> 00:11:42,190 you think so? It's got to be better than that. This is very important to me. 246 00:11:42,290 --> 00:11:43,610 We'd better rehearse this. Now, look. 247 00:11:43,950 --> 00:11:47,250 When Chuck Forbes comes out on the ramp, I want you to scream and then to faint. 248 00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:47,929 You understand? 249 00:11:47,930 --> 00:11:51,010 We better rephrase it once. The announcer will say, in our next entry, 250 00:11:51,010 --> 00:11:52,010 Forbes! 251 00:11:54,010 --> 00:11:58,990 I said Forbes, not Frankenstein. I want the screen to be drawn out, you know, 252 00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,350 full of desire, ecstasy. You understand? Let's try it. 253 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,580 to me. We're going to be on television. All your friends will see you. 254 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,620 Have you ever been on television before? 255 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:21,360 You're not going to be nervous, are you? Nope. 256 00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:22,599 Good, good. 257 00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,940 Now look, maybe this will help you. 258 00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:27,760 Here. This is for you. Oh, thank you, sir. Wait a minute. We didn't do 259 00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:31,240 Did you tell her what this is? Oh, look. 260 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:35,320 This may help you. Think of this mentally. When Chuck's Forbes comes out, 261 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:37,780 you scream and faint, visualize this in your mind. 262 00:12:38,060 --> 00:12:41,840 This guy is six foot two, and he is handsome like a Greek god. 263 00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,920 He tapers down to practically nothing in the waist. 264 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:46,720 Broad shoulder and a deep chest. 265 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:48,279 Rippling muscles. 266 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,780 A Latin lover type of battle. 267 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,780 Oh, that's perfect. Hey, Ernie. What? This thing really fainted. Are you 268 00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:55,780 kidding? 269 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,540 What is this, a real nut? Get her out of here. All right. 270 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:02,300 Ah, 271 00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:06,000 beautiful. I feel sorry for the competition. Don't waste your sympathy. 272 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,340 What do you mean? Take a look at the competition. They just came in. 273 00:13:10,830 --> 00:13:13,190 Is that important to you? You think that's manly, big, ugly muscles? 274 00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:15,170 Ernie, Bob, we're in trouble. 275 00:13:15,490 --> 00:13:17,110 All right. He stands amongst them. He looks like Mr. 276 00:13:17,390 --> 00:13:18,390 Malnutrition. 277 00:13:19,450 --> 00:13:22,370 I have a lot of fellas in the contest. I suppose you know all the rules. 278 00:13:22,570 --> 00:13:24,790 Each contestant must speak at least three foreign languages. 279 00:13:24,990 --> 00:13:25,990 I suppose you know that, didn't you? 280 00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:27,610 Oh, yes. Any three languages at all. 281 00:13:27,830 --> 00:13:28,529 Everybody dressed? 282 00:13:28,530 --> 00:13:29,209 Yeah, what's up? 283 00:13:29,210 --> 00:13:31,670 One of the judges wants to take a picture before the contest begins. 284 00:13:32,010 --> 00:13:33,010 This way, ma 'am. 285 00:13:33,610 --> 00:13:35,750 Well, this is Ursula Thorndike, editor of Body Health magazine. 286 00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:39,830 Hello, boys. This will only take a moment. I just flew in from New York, 287 00:13:39,830 --> 00:13:42,250 want to get a nice group picture for my magazine. 288 00:13:42,610 --> 00:13:45,610 Now, gather in close. Oh, excuse me, Miss Thorndike. May I offer my 289 00:13:45,790 --> 00:13:48,070 I'm used to this. I've done so many of this for the army, you see. If a group 290 00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:50,850 picture doesn't have the proper dimensions, you've lost the whole 291 00:13:50,850 --> 00:13:53,950 better be out, because you've taken... Oh, let me pose them for you. Will you 292 00:13:53,950 --> 00:13:56,550 get down on your knees and give me a determination pose? Down on your knees. 293 00:13:56,650 --> 00:13:57,990 Now, face this way so we get a good profile. 294 00:13:58,230 --> 00:14:01,910 And you look up and turn. And you put your name for it. Right in there. Right 295 00:14:01,910 --> 00:14:04,410 there. Now, you, will you turn your back? I'm giving you a look over the 296 00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:05,410 shoulder. 297 00:14:06,270 --> 00:14:09,550 That's a good one. There you are. Just a minute, if you don't mind. I'd like to 298 00:14:09,550 --> 00:14:10,449 do this myself. 299 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,950 Get up, boys. Get up. Now move in closer. 300 00:14:13,190 --> 00:14:15,250 Oh, skinny, you get at the end. 301 00:14:17,050 --> 00:14:18,050 Oh, 302 00:14:19,770 --> 00:14:20,770 nice. 303 00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:23,070 Now run out with the picture, please. 304 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,840 Thanks, Alice. Thank you, boys. It was splendid. 305 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,720 I'll see you all later. Oh, excuse me a moment, Miss Stornike. Yes? As a devoted 306 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,560 reader of your magazine, may I ask you a personal question, please? Well, what 307 00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:34,640 is it? What is the circulation of your magazine? 308 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:36,460 We have about 15 ,000 readers. 309 00:14:36,780 --> 00:14:38,980 15 ,000. Oh, that's disgraceful. 310 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:40,960 May I ask you another personal question? 311 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,480 Yes. And please listen to this question very intently. 312 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,060 How would you like to have a circulation? 313 00:14:45,850 --> 00:14:46,849 Of two million. 314 00:14:46,850 --> 00:14:48,770 Two million? But where would they come from? 315 00:14:49,110 --> 00:14:51,270 Same place this Forbes comes from. The army. 316 00:14:51,490 --> 00:14:52,309 The army? 317 00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:56,070 Yes. I can personally guarantee you, should a soldier win this contest, a 318 00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:58,630 grateful Pentagon would make your magazine required reading. 319 00:14:58,970 --> 00:14:59,970 What? What? Huh? 320 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:05,550 I see. Now, let me understand this. In other words, you want me to help your 321 00:15:05,550 --> 00:15:06,449 to win. 322 00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:09,610 That's right, Osella. Oh, those eyes and that hair. Who does your hair, my dear? 323 00:15:09,710 --> 00:15:10,810 Now, just a minute, Sergeant. 324 00:15:11,090 --> 00:15:15,170 And for this favor, you will guarantee me a circulation of two million. 325 00:15:15,450 --> 00:15:17,010 I certainly do, my dear. And what do you say? 326 00:15:17,230 --> 00:15:19,730 Well, what can I say, Sergeant? Say it. Say it. 327 00:15:20,030 --> 00:15:21,030 Very well. 328 00:15:21,070 --> 00:15:22,430 Police! Yes, 329 00:15:23,870 --> 00:15:28,240 ma 'am? trying to bribe me by saying to him that I made his man Forbes the 330 00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,020 winner. I'm not giving out to tell you who I am. I'm from the FBI. I was just 331 00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:34,160 giving out the honesty test. And may I say, she's as honest as she is lovely. 332 00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,300 It's all right. He's lying. It was an out -and -out bribe. What are you 333 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,300 about? What? 334 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:45,270 Did it hurt when they dropped you? Well, fortunately, my fall was broken by the 335 00:15:45,270 --> 00:15:48,730 flaw. Why don't we give up and go back to camp? No. 336 00:15:48,970 --> 00:15:50,410 He's still going to be the new Tarzan. 337 00:15:50,630 --> 00:15:51,690 But he's been disqualified. 338 00:15:52,130 --> 00:15:54,530 It's not a lot, but it'll renew interest. We'll start a publicity stunt, 339 00:15:54,530 --> 00:15:55,910 gimmick. Sarge. What? 340 00:15:56,110 --> 00:15:57,110 I got an idea. 341 00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:59,530 Who is the guy playing Tarzan in the movies now? Gordon Scott. 342 00:15:59,730 --> 00:16:02,530 Okay. Why don't we take Forbes to Hollywood? Let him pick a fight with 343 00:16:02,530 --> 00:16:04,630 Scott in some public place, and boom, we're in the headlines. 344 00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:05,949 Not bad. 345 00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:08,810 But not good enough. We've got to have him fight an animal. An animal? Yes, the 346 00:16:08,810 --> 00:16:10,190 most ferocious animal there is, a gorilla. 347 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:11,800 But Ernie, you'll get killed. 348 00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,700 Not with this gorilla. This gorilla won't hide or fly. 349 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,020 Who's it going to be? Who else? 350 00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:16,420 Doberman. 351 00:16:23,220 --> 00:16:24,220 What's the matter, dear? 352 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:25,620 My stomach feels upset. 353 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:27,700 Must have been that Welsh rabbit we had for dinner. 354 00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:47,540 You look like you've just seen a ghost. I wish I had. 355 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:48,499 What do you mean? 356 00:16:48,500 --> 00:16:49,500 I think I just saw a gorilla. 357 00:17:28,460 --> 00:17:31,560 Black rabbits, gophers, coyotes, maybe an occasional mountain lion. 358 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,180 How about an occasional gorilla? 359 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,360 The cradle is pulling my leg. 360 00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:40,000 Barker, look over there about a mile away near that clump of trees. 361 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,320 Yes, sir. 362 00:17:41,700 --> 00:17:42,700 What do you see? 363 00:17:43,580 --> 00:17:44,580 Nothing, sir. 364 00:17:45,220 --> 00:17:46,220 Are you sure? 365 00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,180 I don't see anything, sir. 366 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:49,840 Oh, that's a relief. 367 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,960 Barker, before I forget it, take a memo. 368 00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:53,900 Yes, sir. Miss Sergeant Ritzig. 369 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,740 Under no circumstances is Welsh rare of it to be served at Camp Fremont. 370 00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:00,920 I don't care what you say, Parker. 371 00:18:01,220 --> 00:18:04,980 I could have sworn I saw a gorilla through these binoculars. Sir, you must 372 00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:06,840 overtired. It might have been an optical illusion. 373 00:18:07,540 --> 00:18:08,780 Magnificently. I'll take a look. 374 00:18:08,980 --> 00:18:10,760 Quick, sir, the phone. The phone! Sir! 375 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:12,280 Sir! Sir! 376 00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:16,840 What's he, Colonel? 377 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,660 I was just talking to the gorilla. I mean, I was giving orders. 378 00:18:20,080 --> 00:18:22,500 Is there anything I can do to help? Sir, I have a suggestion. 379 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,620 Why don't you invite... The general will stay here at command post so while you 380 00:18:25,620 --> 00:18:29,540 personally lead the men into the field. You go ahead, John. I'd be glad to help 381 00:18:29,540 --> 00:18:32,820 out. Lean on, Colonel Courageous. Your men would follow you anywhere, sir. 382 00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:36,380 And you can believe me, General, the community can rest in peace because I 383 00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:39,540 promise you by tomorrow morning that gorilla will be hanging in the colonel's 384 00:18:39,540 --> 00:18:40,540 trophy room. 385 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,060 Well, Forbes, I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I think you'd have made a great 386 00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:52,060 tossing. Oh, that's all right. Keep in shape, kid. We'll think of something 387 00:18:52,060 --> 00:18:53,060 else. 388 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,480 Yeah, Bilko, you've got to sign this. 389 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:56,479 Sign what? 390 00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:00,580 This is an application for a bank loan for $300, and you're the co -maker, and 391 00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:02,840 you've got to sign right here. You must be out of your mind, Robert. I quit 392 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,900 signing things the minute I signed my enlistment papers. 393 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:06,120 Yeah, but you got me into this. 394 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:07,800 $300? What's that for? 395 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,260 For the new coat that you promised Emma that I would buy her. Oh, now, will you 396 00:19:11,260 --> 00:19:13,360 just tell her I was drinking, I was out of my mind, I didn't know what I was 397 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:15,500 saying, and she'll forget the whole thing. You think she'll believe that? Of 398 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:16,500 course she will. Good. 399 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:19,920 Then you tell her. Tell her what I... She's here. Bilko, I'm sick and tired of 400 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:22,400 having you interfere in my private life. Now, you came to my house and 401 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,680 personally ruined a brand new... 402 00:19:34,920 --> 00:19:39,100 Also seen in tonight's cast were Kenneth Vaughn as Forbes, Joey Ross as Sergeant 403 00:19:39,100 --> 00:19:43,320 Ritzig, Beatrice Ponds as Mrs. Ritzig, Edith King as Ursula Thorndyke, John 404 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:47,540 Alexander as General Alexander, Nick Saunders as Captain Parker, Fred Herrick 405 00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:49,820 the Hunter, and Hope Sandsbury as Mrs. Hall. 34867

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