All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e23_bilkos_formula_seven

It's the Union League club. Move, move.

That jeep has got to be ready for the
colonel by four o 'clock. Move it. Take

easy, Sergeant. You want to be former
Union.

What's wrong with you, Fender? Why are
you looking so glum? I got another bill

for my obstetrician.

What are you beeping about, you love
kid? You got six beautiful kids. Why did

you want two?

On your next furlough, go to the YMCA.

What do you got there, Doberman?

It's a March election with a cake and a
month club, Sarge.

That's all you needed. 5 ,000 more
calories, huh?

But, Sarge, sweets are a source of quick
energy.

There's enough energy in that to put you
into orbit. Watch your mouth.

All right, move it. Hey,

Jenkins, how you doing? Oh, just fine,
Sarge, just fine.

Did you get a pack of some hopes and
cookies?

Heck no, Patrick sent me a Dougie's
apple jar.

I'm for a smaller?

Get that away from me. Are you nuts? You
know what'll happen to us if they find

this hillbilly booze here? Get rid of
it. I didn't know it weren't legal here,

too. You didn't know it weren't legal.

I thought it was just Tennessee law.

All right, get rid of that. All right,
you guys, busy as work. What do I do

it? I don't care what you do. Dump it,
somebody, so get rid of it.

Good morning, Captain Barker. Say,
that's awfully nice of you to come down

visit the men. All right, don't call.

The colonel wants to know if his jeep
will be ready by four o 'clock. You know

it will, sir. The men are busy working
on it. Right now, sir. Good. Bring it

around to his office as soon as it's
ready. Will do, sir.

It's always a pleasure to see that
you... Something wrong, sir? That smell.

The smell? Oh, you mean the antifreeze.

Is that what it is? Yes, sir. For a
moment there, I thought I was back in

Kentucky Hills. Oh, did you, sir?

Rockham, open this door. Keep those
windows open. This joint smells like a

distillery. Jenkins!

Right here, Sarge. Get a shovel and put
that jug six feet under the ground. You

understand? It's empty, Sarge.

Empty? What does it do with the
moonshine? Well, you told me to dump it

so I poured it into the crankcase of the
Jeep.

A $2 ,000 vehicle he put... Get that
stuff out of there before it dissolves

engine. Get under there and drain the
crankcase. I'm a double.

This is the one he had a pick on.

The Colonel Jeep. That's all the Colonel
needs. A Jeep with a hangover.

He poured it into the crankcase. What a
jerk.

I think a 45 -year -old man would have
enough sense to know something. Sarge,

he's only 38.

38? Then how'd he get so wrinkled?

Some mountain climate.

Not enough sunshine and too much
moonshine.

How you doing on that?

Let me help you this here, fine.

There's a valve at the end of the
crankcase. Turn it and then get out of

quick. Oh, yeah, I got it now.

He's got it now.

Whoa!

Get him out of there, quick. Get him out
of there.

Come on out.

Don't breathe there. Just stand up. Come
on.

Oh, what happened? Where am I?

You're in the motor pool, but not for
long.

Get that stuff off your face and report
to me in my office. Move it. Yes. Get

him out of here.

It's all I needed a whole platoon full
of dumbbells. That's what I needed a new

champion

Don't

forget I'm responsible for a lot of
expensive equipment around here Where

you put him so he can't do any damage
put him in Ritz it's kitchen. You can't

make that food any worse What do you
want soldier I'm busy you told me to

see you I told you to come and see me.
Sarge, it's Jenkins.

Jenkins?

What did you do to yourself?

Nothing. I just wiped that glop off of
my face, took a shower and come right

over.

Now, is it these glasses or does he look
ten years younger?

Sure does.

Here, I want to look at you in the
light.

Your wrinkles are all gone.

They sure enough are.

I got to do that more often.

What? Take a shower.

Look at yourself in the mirror.

God, that's all. What is it, Ernie? What
is it? A million dollars. A million

dollars? Your voice, Tom. We don't want
any partners.

What are you talking about, Sarge?
What's the matter with you guys? You're

dumb to see it. Whatever was in that
cloth that got on his face and took out

wrinkles and made him look ten years
younger. Keep your voice down. Why? I'm

going to be rich. Where is Sarge? All it
was was some grease, some number two

oil, and some of that apple jack. Oh,
yes? What was penicillin? Just some

bread and some green mold.

When you analyzed it, all the great
discoveries were simple.

What did we discover?

The fountain of youth.

Jenkins, come here, buddy boy.

You ain't mad at me no more?

Mad at you? Could I be mad at Louis
Pasteur? Could I be mad at Jonas Salk?

Are they in this outfit?

Hey,

did your papi ever tell you what he put
in that apple jack? Well, that's the

first thing papi taught me.

Yeah? Sit down, I want to talk to you.

You just tell the old sergeant.

What are your ingredients?

Well, first you get yourself a mess of
apple mash.

Method. Oh, stand there. Write it down.
A mess of apple mash. Yeah. Then you

throw in some wintergreen, a box of
brown sugar, a bottle of witch hazel.

hazel?

Write it down.

Then you stir the pot up right good for
about an hour.

Yeah. Oh, and for every two gallons, you
throw in one pork chop.

Well, Pappy always says a good moonshine
should be delicious and nutritious.

Write it down.

Well, then what?

That's it.

Just let the pot simmer and stew
overnight, and next morning you got

right nice breakfast.

Okay, right.

Get that stuff from the kitchen and meet
us in the mall pool in a few minutes.

All right, young boy.

You're going to risk such a right smart
two gallons of that apple jack. No

kidding, Sarge. Hey, my pappy's going to
be mighty proud of me. Good boy. Now,

do you need anything else?

Well, let's see.

Oh, maybe a couple of fellas with
rifles.

Rifles? What for? Sure, just in case
them revenuers come poking around.

All right, boys, you all set?

We're all set, Sarge. We're just waiting
for Jenkins.

Come on, Jenkins, let's go. You're
holding us up. Ready in a second, Sarge.

want a taste?

Are you kidding? I'm getting stoned just
breathing in here.

Fill the jug.

That stuff smells awful.

You sure you used the fresh pork chop?

Oh, it's just fine, Sarge.

Well, here's the jug full up. Here we
go. Ready at the jeep? Ready.

Funnel. Funnel ready to pour.

All right, stand by, Hench. Right.

I need mission on. Mission on.

All right, start her up.

Start her up.

Let's mix it real good. Full throttle.
Full throttle.

Sarge, I think I hear the engine
knocking.

It ain't knocking, it's hiccuping.

Remember,

don't spill or drop. This may be worth
$10 an ounce.

Get under there. All right, get under
there.

You all set?

All set, Sarge. Fill it up.

Where's Fender? He had an appointment at
the barber shop at 2 o 'clock. Good.

Right after he gets his haircut, we'll
give him a beauty treatment. Here it is,

Sarge.

Well, this is it, gentlemen. If this
works on Fender, I'll take my place in

world alongside of those two great
scientists, Price Westmore and Max

I didn't sleep too good last night.
Suppose I give you a hot towel and you

relax for a little while. Good idea.

I could use a little of that.

Ready for me, Al? I'm back in about ten
minutes. Put down your... Okay.

All right.

Oh, it feels pretty good.

Well, you just relax, sir, and I'll wake
you up in a few minutes.

Then this sleeps wakes up. You'll be
beautiful. Give me the stuff that smells

awful. Let them go over Mix it up a
little bit.

Okay,

spend the baby boy. Here we go

I'll

be a different man

All right, then you're not in this
butthole. But, sir... Look, don't put

on me.

Who is it, Ernie?

It's the sheriff.

Out! Out!

Have a nice nap, sir?

I knew this hot towel would make you
feel better.

There we go, sir.

Nothing like a... What do you think his
face looks like? How do I know?

You told me with Fender under the towel.

Well, keep your fingers crossed.

Good afternoon, sir.

What do you want, Bilko?

Nothing, sir. Just turning in my weekly
report, sir.

What are you staring at, Bilko?

Oh, no reason, sir.

I must say, you're looking exceptionally
well, sir.

Oh, thank you. I feel good, too. I just
had some kind of mud pack down at the

barbershop. That's remarkable, sir.

Well, you look ten years younger.

Thank you.

Sir, has Mrs. Wall seen you yet?

No. Please be careful, sir. The way you
look, there'll be no holding her off.

Man, this washing machine's the best
still I ever had.

Pork chops ain't dissolved yet.

You got those labels, Hench? They're
already on the jaws, Ernie.

Bilbo's Formula 7. Works wonders on
wrinkles.

A product of Fremont...

Pharmaceuticals Limited. I like that.
It's got to sound like big business.

not ready, Sarge. There you are. Switch
it on the drain.

Stand by, Rocco.

All right, Hanks.

Let it go.

All right, Sarge.

Here it comes.

How many jars you got, Rocco? Fifty.

Fifty. Fifty. Ten dollars a jar. It's a
clear profit of five hundred dollars.

Not exactly, Sarge. The jars cost me a
nickel a feet.

You're going to learn in big business,
Rocco. You've got to accept a certain

amount of overhead.

All right, Hanks. That's enough. Cut.

Cut. Hello, Brock.

Well, it don't smell so bad since we
added that cologne, huh?

All right, Rock. Get these jars capped.
I'm on my way. Where to, Ernie? We'll

stop at Clark's Department Store in
Grove City by this weekend. The orders

San Francisco should be pouring in.
You're going with me, Hench. What should

do, Sarge? You and Jenkins stay here and
keep that production line flowing. And

remember, every two gallons change Jeep.
I want a fresh, rich sludge coming

through those crankcase.

How would you say if I told you this jar
contains a lotion so potent that one

application will make a man look ten
years younger?

Bilko, look, before you go any further,
let me give you a few facts of life

about the cosmetic business.

First of all, the big market for beauty
products is women, not men.

That's an important point. Make notes.
Don't stand there. Make notes. Second of

all, Bilko, you can't really sell beauty
products without a big national

advertising campaign.

Now, look here.

Here is a lipstick which is manufactured
here locally, and we sell it for 50

cents. We can't give it away.

Now, let me show you something.

Here. Here, Bilko, is the exact same
lipstick.

Backed up, as you can see, by a big
national advertising campaign.

We sell them by the carload for $5 a
piece.

The same lipstick? The same.

Now, that's what a big cosmetic concern
like Deborah Darling can do for a

product. Deborah Darling. Well, thank
you so much for your time. I have to get

back to camp right now. Don't get here.
I don't get here. Look, with Deborah

Darling incorporated behind us, we'll
make ten times as much money.

But how are we going to get a big outfit
like that interested? The same way they

get their customers interested, by
advertising.

We'll make a television commercial.

Yeah, but we can't afford to make a...
Not afford. We get a 16 -millimeter

camera and a model.

But a model costs a fortune.

I got a model in mind. She's the Susie
Parker of the middle -aged set. Emma

Ritzing.

All right, you and Emma rehearse the
lines for the script. Yeah, we got it.

look, what's very important here, you
must be convincing. Now, in this

commercial, you portray the part of a
husband who's grown bored.

Tired. Disgusted with his wife's
appearance. How could you do that? Are

kidding? I've rehearsed with that C for
the last ten years.

Henshaw's got her inside. He's making
her up to look real homely. She don't

any help. She's got tricks. You never
heard of them.

This is serious. I don't know. Hello,
dear. We're ready and set. Look, help me

along. You know how women... There you
are, my little star of my commercial.

Oh, Henshaw did a great job. She looks
real terrible. That's what I wanted. You

messed her up properly.

What? I haven't touched her yet.

I should have known better than to
listen to you in the first place. I'm

going through with this. Look, Emma. You
didn't even give me a chance to put

makeup on. Now, come on, Bill. Get out
of here. Speed up. We're going to film

now. Please try to cooperate.

Nothing doing. I just got up. You don't
think I'm going on television looking

this way.

George, you're right.

That beauty sleep made you look too
good.

What? Of course, honey. This is a before
and after commercial showing the

attributes of our beauty cream. Now, if
you look so good before, where will be

the contrast?

Well, that makes sense. Of course. Can I
have your eyebrow, please? Come here.

What are you going to do to me, Bill?
Honey, it's nothing. It's a few makeup

tricks that I found that they use on
Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor? Yes.

You see, she's a 25 -year -old girl, and
in this thing she was doing, she had to

portray a woman of 35. So these little
tricks, this is what they do. It just

gives you a little character, a little
age, a little life. Now, let me see it.

Will you hold this for me?

Mm -hmm.

Hold that.

No, this hair. I can't do a thing. It's
so silky.

Silky? Why can't I do this?

No, not from where I stand. When the
light hits it, each strand... shimmers

spun gold.

Of course, you don't suffer black. I'd
like to have a pair of your thick

glasses.

I finally got a chance to get some fun
out of life, and you have to spoil

everything. I know the screen before
shooting, and you're full of fire and

temperament, but save it for the scene.
Come here, dear, and I'll show you what

this scene is all about. This is a
typical breakfast scene in the life of

and Mary. Now, Mary, like so many
housewives after marriage, has let

you know, so much so to the point where
John is losing his interest and his

appetite. Shut up!

So just shut up! Look, do me a favor.
Right in the scene where John hits Mary

rap in the mouth.

You said the rap like it's mine. Listen
to them. They sound just like London

Fontaine. I know the nerves before
shooting, but folks, please, save that

for the commercial.

I mean, that's fine.

All right, we're all set. Rock, the
camera ready?

Yeah, it's ready. And you got the beauty
cream? Right here. All right, we shoot

this scene, and right afterwards, we
give Emma a beauty treatment, then we

the second scene.

All right, good luck to both of you.

Rock, how does she look in the camera?

All right.

Madam,

darling, there's a Dr. Ernest Bilko here
to see you. Oh, good. I've been

expecting to show him in.

Well, gentlemen, he's here.

I just can't believe this Formula 7 can
do everything that he says it can.

Remove wrinkles in one treatment?

That's impossible.

Sounds like a faker to me. Oh, really,
gentlemen. I spoke to Dr. Belko on the

phone. He told me of his endless hours
of research at the Fremont Laboratories

presenting this product.

Now, the least we can do is to see the
film. That's my dear. I'm sure I can

my way.

Oh, I see. I stumbled into the wrong
office. I was looking for Madam Deborah

Darling. I am Deborah Darling. Aren't
you sweet? Where is your mother, dear?

It's her I want to see.

I am Madam Darling. Well, there's some
mistake here. I was told Madam Darling

a lady in her forties. Yes, well,
nevertheless, I am Madam Darling. Well,

your heart, dear. I was ready to report
you to the child labor board.

Mr.

Allenby and Mr. Edwards.

Gentlemen, how do you do? Why, my
assistant is getting up to fill my

journal. First thing with questions.

Did you bring a sample of your Formula 7
with you? Well, bless your heart, you

know I did. Professor Henshaw -Prickley.
Right here, doctor. This is it,

gentlemen. The most startling product
ever to hit the beauty market. And I'm

prepared to offer Deborah Dowling Beauty
Products Incorporated full

manufacturing rights for consideration,
of course.

Did you ring, madam darling? Yes. Take
this right down to the laboratory and

have it analyzed.

Well, I don't understand. Why analyze
it? Don't worry, Dr. Bilko. Your patent

will protect you. Well, of course it
will. And bless your heart, as if I

doubt anything a lovely lady such as you
could possibly do to me.

Well, Dr.

Bilko, this patient of yours, you've
done such wonders for.

Mrs. Oh, yes, Mrs. Ripley. Yes, I would
like to meet her in person. And that you

will, dear. I asked her to be here at
three o 'clock this afternoon.

But first, we'll see her on the film.
Good. Lights out, if you please. Lights!

I was thinking that 50 % of the profits
would be fair to everyone concerned.

However, why are we talking business
with the lights so low?

Do they call you madam or do they call
you Deborah or darling?

Can I call you Debbie darling?

We'll show the film first. We'll talk
later. Yes, yes, the film.

Hello there.

I'm your feeding skin specialist.

Now, you'd be amazed how many people
will take their skin for granted.

Let's take the case of Tom and Maddie.

This was a couple that were happy under
certain typical young American couple

There was no reason why they shouldn't
be doing signs

of Telltale string Hey

Barry, how long do you expect me to wait
for my breakfast?

John John must you be so cross every
morning?

What is happening to our marriage?

Oh, leave me alone, Mary. John, look at
me when you eat. I'm sorry. I can't do

both. Oh, stop.

You're crying.

You'll only get your face more wrinkled.

No,

dear. Just your face.

John, I know my face is old and
wrinkled, but what... can I do?

Well, why not see a leading skin
specialist?

A skin specialist? Yes, and maybe
straighten out your face and our

Mrs. Adams, I've had your skin tested by
a leading independent test laboratory.

Tell me, doctor, what is wrong with me?

Your face.

Sorry, I have a metadermicemia, or what
we leading skin specialists call tired

skin.

Is there anything I can do?

Pardonately, yes.

Thanks to modern science, you can have
younger skin fast or your money back

just one application of Formula 7. You
see, Formula 7 contains not one, not

but seven magic secret ingredients which
work on wrinkles four ways.

Now, you can go away with costly plastic
surgery right in your own home. Thank

you, Doctor. I'll run right down to my
corner drugstore and try magical Formula

7 tonight.

Hey, Mary, how long do you expect me to
wait for my breakfast?

Good breakfast, John, dear.

Mary. Who?

Why, what is it, John?

You look different.

Gorgeous beyond my wildest dreams. Well,
thank you for noticing, dear.

Mary, now that you're lovely, I have
something to tell you. For a while

you were looking like an alligator.

John! Dear, your crumpets are getting
cold.

Oh, dash the crumpets. You maddening
creature, you.

My marriage is heaven. Thank you for me.
Heaven?

At all eating drugstores and cosmetic
counters everywhere.

There you are, gentlemen. You've seen
America with your own eyes.

Now, as I was saying before, I believe
50 % of the profits is a fair deal for

all concerned. Now, have a contact.

Mr. Jenkins is here to see you. Oh,
good. Gentlemen, you will soon see for

yourself the lasting effect of magical
formula 7.

Now, five days ago, we at Freeman
Laboratories took an ordinary soldier.

Oh, yes, this soldier here to be exact.

He is the wrong man.

25 % of the profits would be fair for
all concerned.

Oh, please, Dr. Vilco, not so fast. Oh,
come now, Madam Darling, 25 % for a

wrinkle remover that lasts a full five
days is fair for all concerned.

Yes? It's an arbitrary report.

What? Are you absolutely sure?

Pork chops?

Well, you see, we've made great
discoveries while we were at the flats

animals. Dr. Bilko, the laboratory just
reported that there are ingredients in

this formula of yours that could be very
irritating to sensitive skin. My dear

madam, I can't help it if you have a
jealous chemist in your laboratory.

Nevertheless... Oh, I see it now.

You're as ruthless as you are beautiful.

All right.

I can't cope with you. You're of a big
business. I'm a mere scientist.

Give me a check for $25 ,000. I've got a
range all over my...

You have a toothache? No, I have no
toothache. I've got a rash. My

will take you to a dentist.

I don't know why they call me. They see
my title, doctor. They think I'm a

practicing physician. I'm just a mere
scientist.

And I know nothing about big business.
So I'll tell you what we'll do. You just

give me a check for $5 ,000. I'll take
the first flight from Vienna in the

morning. Doctor, don't go.

Violating the Pure Food and Drug Act can
get you five years in jail. What are

you telling him to do? And another five
if it turns out that you're not really a

doctor. Is that a fact? Oh, don't take
my word for it. I'll call the district

attorney. No, no. I'll take your word
for it. Anybody who says yes.

Well,

we'll go to Elizabeth and shoot him.

Let these guys go. All right, come on,
Sugar. What?

Excuse me, Mr. Fender. You want siesta
time?

Oh, man.

You talking to me, Sarge? No, I'm
talking to your obstetrician. I'm

you. When I want wedding.

When I want... What happened to your
head? What do you mean?

Your head? What? Oh.

I don't know. I don't know, Sarge.

I was emptying the crankcase under the
sheep yesterday and some of the grease

got on top of my head.

And this morning, there it was.

It grows hair. It grows hair. The one
thing I didn't think of that magic wand

that seven dozen bones have.

Pack my bag. I'm off to San Francisco.
Pack it. Come on. Wait.

We'll have a couple of days rest anyhow.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Natalie
Schaefer as Deborah Darling, Joey Ross

as Sergeant Ritzig, Beatrice Ponds as
Mrs. Ritzig, Tom Noel as Jenkins, Larry

Fletcher as E .J. Phillips, and Nick
Saunders as Captain Barker. Miss

Gowns by Skazi.