All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e19_bilkos_credit_card

I'll be with you in a minute, Gloria.
I'm making a reservation at the Latin

Quarter. It's the premiere of their new
spring review.

Hench, I've got to have something. This
is an emergency.

Look, I'm here at the Maison d 'Or
restaurant.

Get me some loot. I don't care.

Don't tell me they're broke. There must
be 50 guys from Camp Limon here in town.

Grover, Ritzig, Doberman, anybody. Get
it to me.

Oh, this is a real dazzler, Hench. I
don't want to spoil it now.

Hench, help me.

Mayday. Mayday.

Sorry to keep you waiting, dear, but I
do want this to be a perfect evening.

Let's go on and sit down. My feet are
killing me. But of course, sugar.

I think you'll like the Maison d 'Or. I
find it to be San Francisco's finest

restaurant. I've never been here before.

Oh, my dear, it'll be a thrill to
introduce you to the joys of gracious

la France.

Oh,

no, no, no, no. The booth. Try the
booth, dear. I think we'll find that

more on team.

Here, here.

None of your continental impertinence.
After you, my dear.

Splendid. No, no, no, no. We won't need
a menu. I know just what we want. Very

well. Two cups of coffee.

Two cups of coffee? Yes, do you mind?

Oh, I see what upsets him. I seem to
have offended his French pride.

Very well, Garcon. Have it your way.

Two demi -tats.

Very well.

Ernie, I'm starved. Oh, I think the
band's about to play. Let's dance.

doing. I don't dance on an empty
stomach.

Plus, Belko.

Let's not beat around the bush. If
you're broke, level with me. I'll

Gosh, you are sweet. I was right about
you.

I will level with you, my dear.

You see, all I have is a dollar and a
half. You cheap fool!

Don't worry about me. I thought I was on
a date, not a diet. Gloria, please

don't use words that we'll both regret.

Help is on the way.

Francis! Hello, Bilko.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

And am I glad to see you, boy. You sure
look great. Look, Francis, I happen to

be a little short. Forget it, Bilko.
You're as tall as you're ever going to

as far as I can see.

Just like Francis. Oh, he's judging.
Look, old man, could you let me have 50

till tomorrow? Ten will do it, bro.
Who's a lovely cook at Bilko? She looks

a debutante. I bet she is. Miss Paposky,
I'd like to present Sergeant Gruber.

How are you?

Stark, how are you?

Sorry,

Bilko. Miss Popolsky, how would you like
to share a rare filet mignon with me?

Rare? I wouldn't care if it was raw.

Gloria, you're not going to fall for
that.

You can't, monsieur.

You sure can.

See that we get a good table.

What do you say, baby? A nice big juicy
steak, golden French fries, pile of

mode? Now that's what I call a smooth
line. So long, Diamond Jim. Gloria,

You're not going to leave me for him.

I have no choice. It's either him or
Pelagra.

All right. All right. I won't forget
this evening. With a little bit of luck.

Neither will I.

We'll be very happy.

Don't sign it. Of course, if you're a
member of the diner's guild.

Diner's guild? Why didn't I think it up?
What did you say? Down a half? Here you

are. Down a half, even.

Excuse me, I don't understand French.
What are you saying?

Cheap bum.

Oh, yeah.

It's a lovely language.

How do you do with the application,
Sarge? I'll be through in a minute.

see. Give two names for personal
reference.

Corporal Rocco Barbella, Corporal Steve
Henshaw. You boys don't mind, do you?

What's that, Sarge? I gave your names
vouching for my character.

Oh, sure, it's all right, as long as I
don't have to sign anything.

Here you are, sir. I believe I've
answered all your questions.

Very well, Mr. Bilko. I hope you can
rush my credit card through. You seem to

having dinner in an hour.

Oh, yes, I'm taking a sponge from the
dinner. You see, even in the army, it's

not what you know, it's who you know.
And I'd like the credit card as a

reference for my income tax purpose. Do
you understand?

Sergeant Bilgo, I'm afraid it just isn't
done that quickly. Ah, I understand.

Well, we'll say first thing tomorrow
morning?

Oh, no. No, it'll take at least a week
to process your application.

A week?

We're a very large organization.

Oh, yes, I understand. You see, I myself
am a member of a large organization,

the Armed Forces of America.

Then we understand one another.

Of course we do. And you'll push it
right through?

Well, you'll hear from us by mail,
Sergeant.

By mail?

Well, come on. We mustn't keep the
congressman waiting.

Mr.

Casey, I have an inquiry here about a
soldier who used to be stationed at Fort

Baxter. What's his name?

Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.

Bilko. Does that name ring a bell?

A bell?

That's a free alarm fire.

Send him one of these.

It tells the whole...

Sarge, I've

got a letter for you from the diner's
guild. Well, it's about time. This is

Hank. This means no more embarrassing
shortages on weekends before payday.

what does it say? We'll have it in a
minute, buddy boy.

Dear Mr. Bilko, we regret to inform you
that your application has been turned...

turned me down.

There is...

All right. Who's the stool pigeon?

Which one of you guys put in the zinger
for me? Don't look at me, Sarge. I gave

you a sensational reference.

Me too. I told him you were a man of
great integrity.

Oh, excuse me, boys. I didn't see it.

There's a P .S. here. What's it say?
Please advise corporals Barbella and

Henshaw that we have decided not to
press perjury charges.

There's a people in the diner's guild. I
can't get in. Why? It's not fair.

Sure. How much damage could one rotten
apple do?

If you can't blame them, Ernie, they're
in business. That's right, Sarge. You

know what it is with soldiers. They ship
from post to post, sent overseas.

What is it, Ernie? Did I say something?

Yes, sir.

There are 10 ,000 men at Dan Fremont,
right?

$2 membership fee would come to $20
,000.

Plus what we get from the restaurant
owners in Grove City, huh? Put that all

together. What do you got, pal? What?
The G, G, G. The G, G, G?

The G .I.

Scormay Guild.

You know something, boys? There will
always be a warm spot in my heart for

Casa Alfredo. Why? Because in years to
come, I will remember this was the first

Italian restaurant to sign up with our
GGG.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Can I help you?

Oh, good afternoon. Oh, Rocco, as a
fellow Italian -American, I think you

have the honor of welcoming Alfredo to
our organization.

Benvenuto alla Casa Alfredo, come primo
socio di questa società, the G .I.'s

Gourmet Guild. I don't understand.

Alfredo. How would you like to go about
your business?

Sure, why not? Did I tell you he'd
understand a golden opportunity?

Alfredo, there are 10 ,000 soldiers at
Camp Fremont, right? Si. Now, these 10

,000 soldiers, they're usually broke.

Si. Now, suppose they have the urge to
buy an Italian meal. They have no cash.

They cannot come here. So, you lose
money.

That's right.

Well, with my little G .G .D., you let
them sign the check, they pay me, and

then they pay you at the first of the
month. Now, what do you say about that?

Arrivederci.

Just a moment. Who is this lovely girl?
She is my wife. Oh, darn.

Rocco, you're Italian. Perhaps you can
explain to me. Why is it your beautiful

women marry so early?

First it was Gina, then Sophia, and
now... Maria.

It sings.

Oh, tell me. You sang it the last time.

Maria?

You're not Maria. Call us. Oh, shut up,
you sweet mouth.

soldier wants, huh? Can

I

not?

Inspector, Inspector, Inspector Kitchen.

Hey, Ed, what is this anyway? I run a
good, clean place. All done. I'll do all

the talking around here. What is this
all about? It's a crackdown.

They're getting up a list of approved
bars in Grove City.

And only those who pass the inspection
will be allowed to extend credit to the

soldiers.

You might as well be off limits. Off
limits? Look, your seat's okay, Sarge.

about the kitchen, Corporal? Not so
good, Sarge. Kitchen needs a lot of

Sorry, Mike.

Hope you get a good price for this
joint. Wait a minute, Sarge. This place

be scrubbed clean from top to bottom.

I'll put my mutter on the first thing in
the morning.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid, Sarge. Come on,
Sarge. Sarge, Sarge.

There I go. Just a softie at heart. No
wonder I'll never make provost marshal.

I like you.

That was ten.

Hazel's diner. That's eleven.

And the blue grotto. That's twelve.

That's just the beginning. Once we get
rolling, we'll tie up bowling alleys,

pool rooms, everything.

When are we going to start signing up
the guys?

Right now.

is everybody.

Looks like they're gone.

I don't like it. What do you mean?

They're like animals. They smell danger
even before I make my move.

What's wrong with you guys? Got nothing
better to do but to play children's

games, playing hide -and -seek? It
wasn't hide -and -seek. It's a new game

called Save Your Money.

This time you happen to be wrong.

This is not a touch. This is a plan to
help you guys.

Okay, Bilko, we're listening.

Very simple. Now, every weekend, you
fellows are broke, right?

Half the time you spend in town, you
haven't got money to pay for food or for

drinks. Is that right? So?

Well, I'm going to see that that doesn't
happen to you again. Don't tell me

you're putting in for a transfer.

The GI's Gourmet Guild is a break for
you fellas. How does it work, Sarge?

simple. For a $2 membership fee, this
entitles you to sign for food or for

in any restaurant in Grove City. You
mean we just signed a tab?

Simple. Now, at the end of the month,
you pay me, I, in turn, pay the various

restaurants. In other words, you are
handling our money.

Uh -huh. Now, there's a small service...
Here, freeze!

I'm trying to help you go through this.
Why? Why do I have to...

All right, explain to me. I have an open
mind. What is wrong with this deal?

Please tell me. What is wrong?

One at a time.

In the first place, we don't trust you
with our money. In the second place, we

can't afford to eat out whether we
charge it or not. And in the third

don't trust you with our money. Fender
said that once. Yeah, but it's an

important point.

Hey,

tell Paul.

I got one. I got one.

The minute they smell free food, they
stampede. Boy, if you could get them to

eat like that in town, you'd make a
fortune.

Don't worry.

They'll be happy to eat until I want to
hear about the epidemic of Hungarian

hives. Hungarian hives? What's that?

It's a highly contagious disease about
to strike a well -known Hungarian cook

named Rupert Ritzig. What's the main
symptom? Brown spots all over your face.

What causes it?

Brown shoe polish. What else?

Rupert! Rupert! Congratulations! You
won! You won!

Peter, look, we're busy. Get this
picture. Get down here.

Take it. Great.

Hey, what's this all about? Didn't you
hear about it? You won. You won. The

Times has designated you Army Cook of
the Year.

Who, me?

Yes, you.

Oh. Oh.

Army Cook of the Year. I made it. I made
it.

Listen to this.

For culinary services performed above
and beyond the call of duty, Mess

Rupert Ritzig is hereby awarded this
scroll of honor, designating him Army

of the Year.

Hooray!

Can I have that scroll?

Oh, no, I'm going to have it trained for
you. Come on, we promised you how many

times we'd get some pictures. Now, let
me see now.

What is your favorite pose? How's this?
No, no, give me a profile. Look, this

way.

No, no, keep it that way. Now, be sure
you get it all in. You know what I mean?

I want the sweep of that noble
cheekbone.

You got it?

Now, you know what I want here?

I want... See the high cheekbone? Very
important.

Sounds brilliant.

You got that?

Good boy, now.

Now, sweep up so we get the noble sweep
of this wonderful forehead.

And the nose.

And the strong chin. Let's see that.

Good boy. Get that right over to the
army office right away. I don't know.

move it.

Oh, my. Proud of you, Rupert. Proud of
you. Well, Master Chef, what little

concoction have you prepared for us this
evening? Oh, a chip, beef, or toast.

Proud.

Hey,

sit here.

Sit over here.

Hey, what's the matter with Henshaw and
Rocco? Aren't they eating tonight?

Aren't they eating?

You must be kidding.

Haven't you heard? Heard? Heard what?
What?

Rocco and Hench are in a hospital.

In a hospital? What happened, Sarge?
What's the matter with them?

They've got Hungarian hives. Hungarian
hives? Shut up.

You want to do Peter Panic around here?
I never heard of Hungarian hives.

Believe me, you can be lucky you never
heard of it. Poor Rocco. He's got 106

fever and brown spots all over his face.

How did he get it? I don't know. The
doctors know too much about it other

it's a disease and it's transmitted
through food bacteria.

Oh, cut it out, Sarge. You're ruining
my...

What's the matter with his face? It's
covered with brown spots.

He's got Hungarian eyes.

He was with you guys anyway.

Congratulations,

Robert. What did I do? You just helped
launch the G .I. Gourmet Guild. You

be able to get in the restaurant in
Grove City for months.

What are you talking about, Bilko? Never
mind, you won't understand, but wash

your face. How's the look for the army
cook of the year walking around with a

dirty face? Come on, wash it.

Let's hear the first month's report.

Finish the second, Sergeant.

Wow! Wow?

What is it? Let me hear it. Members of
the G .I. Gourmet's Guild signed tabs

this month amounting to $6 ,000.

Let me hear it again. $6 ,000. That's
beautiful music.

Six percent. Our commission comes to
$360.

That means that we owe the restaurants
$5 ,640.

Ernie, we've got to pay the restaurant.

Of course. Well, first we've got to
collect from the men, then the

get paid. Look, I don't like being
hounded by shopkeepers. They'll be paid

the first of the month. But, Ernie, this
is the fifth.

Sarge, how are we going to collect this
money?

With pleasure.

Now, pay attention. I'll show you how
Operation Payday works.

Rock, most of our members are
concentrated into three battalions,

right. You collect from the infantry
battalion. You collect from the tank

battalion. And I'll get the artillery
battalion.

All right, let's synchronize watches.

Dick! All right, gentlemen, we hit them
at six o 'clock in the morning.

They'll be too sleepy to make excuses.
All right, let's move.

Wake up!

Sarge, wake up! Wake up! What is it?
Sarge, they're gone.

Who's gone? The tank battalion, the
artillery battalion, the infantry

Why do you bother me with army matters?
I'm a businessman.

Most of our members are gone.

Gone?

Did you say the members are gone? That's
right, Sergeant. We won't be able to

collect the scent. Where'd they go?

Surprise war games. They pulled out
before dawn.

War games?

Why doesn't somebody tell me these
things? What am I, a Russian spy or

something?

Mr.

Sergeant, what are we going to do?

Will you stop panicking? These things
happen in business.

On an afternoon, I'll slow down on the
restaurant orders and I'll explain it to

them. You don't have to go down there.
They're right outside.

Here? At six o 'clock in the morning?
What do they want? Their money or your

life. Oh, really?

Where's the dignity and the calm? Is
there nothing left in big business? I

have it, I tell you. Follow me.

Where do you think you're going?

I'll process your breath there.

Where's our money? You're six days late.
Money? Rocko, didn't you send them

their money? I won't have it. That's
gross inefficiency. I want to talk to

Come with me. Just a minute.

And I'm going to say it again for the
last time. We want our money today.

That's all. Make it out of that. Now,
Bilko, our money. If we do not get it

today, we go to the colonel. I know
nothing. We are going right to the DA.

Especially what does that mean, DA?
Well, then maybe you know what this

Yes. We need to get your money in 24
hours, I promise.

Okay, Bilko. You got 24 hours. And not
one minute more.

Okay. Alfredo, how is your lovely wife?
She's black and blue. Come on.

Which I got to look forward to?

First I'm going to get beaten up and
then I come to less than jail.

Where are we going to find the guys,
Ernie? They may be gone for two weeks.

We'll have to go out in the field and
collect.

Yeah, but they left them to sealed
orders. We don't even know where they

We've got to do something. Did you see
that fist? One finger would lay me low

for a year. Well, then you better think
of something. I'm thinking, I'm

thinking. I got it.

Sacramento. Is that where you are? No,
that's where I'm going to be hiding out.

Sarge, there's an officer outside to see
you. An officer already?

I thought they gave me 24 hours. I think
he's an Englishman. Hey, yeah.

Stand easy, you chaps. Thank you, sir.
Anything we can do for you, sir? Yes, I

say, I wonder if you could give me some
directions.

Directions, sir? Yes, I'm Lieutenant
Colonel Mackridge of the British Army,

I'm here to observe your war games.

War games?

Yes, sir. I'm a bit lost. I wonder if
you could direct me to a little spot

called Desert Ridge.

Desert Ridge?

Yes, sir. Of course. Are you acquainted
with Highway 1, sir? Actually, yes. Oh,

splendid. Continue south on Highway 1
and you can't miss it. South on Highway

That's fine. Well, I must rush now
because I'm late already. Thank you,

Thanks very much. Pleasure, sir.

Why did you send them south? Desert
Ridge is north.

I'm going north, pal.

We're going to Desert Ridge to collect
us. No, no, they'll be too scattered.

going to get them all back here to Camp
Fremont. Sure, but how?

I'll get them back here, or my name is
not Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge.

Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge of the 7th
Grenadier's Department.

Sir.

Glad to have you with us, Mackridge.

I'm General Putnam.

Delighted, sir.

Terribly sorry to be late, but I seem to
have run out of tension.

And you know what a beastly boy that can
be. I should be a good dean. Have I

missed anything, sir? Gentlemen, this is
Lieutenant Colonel Mackridge of Her

Majesty's Forces. Chaps!

And this is Colonel René St. Augustine,
acting as an observer for the French

Army. Mon capitaine enchanté.

It's been years since I've crossed the
channel. I think the last name is

available. It was a bloody good show,
you know. Well, I say, General Cotton,

don't we hear?

Well, this is our situation, Matt. Would
you like me to review my strategy?

Say, there's a good fellow to do that.
Won't you?

Well, now, uh... We're the blue force.
My favorite colonel. Well,

our strategy is to throw the enemy off
balance with a diversionary move. The

classic maneuver used by Field Marshal
Montgomery.

Oh, I say, Monty would have liked you,
sir. Well,

our infantry moves in here.

And our artillery comes in this way.

Oh, I say, when he could have used you
during the crisis, I'll be in.

Well, the enemy comes out from the north
now, completely unaware of my armored

column. And smash!

I hope you've got them. Good move, I
hope. All of this was accomplished by

painting out and then withdrawing from
Camp Fremont. Say, that is good, you

know.

Anything wrong?

Well, I wouldn't say. I mean, history
need not repeat itself. I mean, but that

was a sacrifice, you know. Oh, what a
disaster.

What do you mean, sir?

Well, the very division they removed
that caused Napoleon. The Battle of

Waterloo. However, it might work this
time, perhaps.

I don't understand. This looks like a
perfectly sound maneuver, strategically

speaking. Of course it does, sir, and so
it seems to Napoleon.

However, as he was crossing over, he
came to this town where you have this

Fremont. Instead, he came up a clopper
with this little penstown called

Vichyssoise.

Vichyssoise? Well, it's a good show. You
see, that's when Wellington glows in

his pinches and nipped him in his
unprotected beard.

What would you do, Colonel?

Oh. I'm just an observer. I wouldn't
presume, sir. Oh, no, no, no. Macritch,

please feel free to speak. Isn't that
right, gentlemen? Yes.

All right, gentlemen. I would do exactly
what Alexander the Great would have

done. The unexpected, sir.

May I hear the statement?

All right, here, sir. Were you intent to
withdraw your forces from Camp Fremont?

I would do exactly the opposite.

Bring up every available man and send
them here at Camp Fremont. Oh, yes. They

don't expect that. Bring up all forces.
Hit them with a brutal attack in the

front lines.

Hit, hit, hit, hit. Sweep up from the
south. Sweep down from the north. A

bit in front.

Oh, look at this old fox. General
Puffin, that's the very move you

do. Now speak up. Vessable.

Gentlemen, there's been a change in
strategy.

Instead of a diversionary move, we'll
throw every man we've got into Camp

Fremont. Good show. My joke, don't
forget, General. Hit them. Smash, smash.

Britannia.

80,

85, 90, 95, 300. There you are, Mike.

Thanks, Wilco. And here you are.

Okay. Well, gentlemen, that's a 12th
one.

There is the end of the G .I.'s Gourmet
Guild.

Gee, it was such a great idea. I mean,
what went wrong?

Sarge, how does the Dinah's Guild do it?
Simple. By keeping out deadbeats like

me.

Don't give me a spot of brandy.

Oh, hello there, Sarge. How are you,
sir? I'm afraid I made a bit of a mess

your directions.

Oh, that's a rum go. Did you miss the
war game, sir? Yes, most of them.

I was on hand to witness the Battle of
Camp Fremont. Good show. Did you find it

interesting, sir? Oh, rather.

One thing puzzles me, though. What is
that there?

How did you chaps beat us in 1776?

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joey
Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Augusta Marigi

Maria, Joseph Collini as Alfredo, Al
Lewis as Mike, George Turner as General

McRidge, Al Hodge as General Putnam,
Marcel Hilaire as the waiter, Dorothy

Dolliver as Gloria, and Bruce Brighton
as Mr. Wilson.