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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:16,800 Because of tonight's Phil Silver special, immediately following the 2 00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,780 Silver show presented by the R .J. Reynolds Tobacco Company and the Luxe 3 00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:24,580 Playhouse, brought to you by Lever Brothers, will not be seen. They will 4 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:27,320 next week at their usual times on most of these stations. 5 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:41,200 The Pontiac Star Parade, brought to you by Pontiac and your authorized Pontiac 6 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:46,470 dealer. who proudly sell the beautiful 59 pontiac america's number one road car 7 00:00:46,470 --> 00:00:52,930 present for january phil silvers in keep in step 8 00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:59,570 also starring diana doors and paul ford and special guest star sydney chaplin 9 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,240 That's a nice beginning. 10 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,360 Nice to be back again for the Pontiac people. And isn't this a wonderful car? 11 00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:24,160 Say, I hope the show is good tonight because I have a hunch if it isn't, 12 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:25,059 take the car back. 13 00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:27,920 And I've grown to love it. Look what they did for me. Listen to this horn. 14 00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:38,020 Isn't that great? It's me. They've captured the real me. 15 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:39,480 Well, should we get on with it? 16 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,400 On with the wind. 17 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:42,920 No. 18 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,060 On with the place. 19 00:01:45,619 --> 00:01:46,940 On with the show. 20 00:02:15,079 --> 00:02:17,020 Hooray, hooray, hooray for Hollywood. 21 00:02:18,140 --> 00:02:21,740 The people always having lots of fun there around. 22 00:02:22,060 --> 00:02:25,600 Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut. Oh, come on. Salud. 23 00:02:26,340 --> 00:02:29,240 Where's the fire? Where's the spirit? Don't you know you're supposed to be a 24 00:02:29,240 --> 00:02:32,760 group of carefree, happy -go -lucky playboys now? Where's the elegance? 25 00:02:32,760 --> 00:02:35,200 the savoir -faire? Where's the gaiety? Is that so hard? 26 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,140 It's almost impossible after three hours of latrine duty. All right, Spencer, no 27 00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:39,859 more food. 28 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,520 Wishes I don't need now. Come on. Let's work on it. We only got two days before 29 00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:44,249 we open. 30 00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,750 Have you forgotten I promised the Colonel this is going to be the greatest 31 00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:51,410 show that Camp Fremont has ever seen? An extravaganza? Some extravaganza. Shock 32 00:02:51,410 --> 00:02:54,250 theater with music. I heard that. 33 00:02:54,710 --> 00:02:57,670 One more crack out of you, I'll see that you never work in show business again. 34 00:02:57,910 --> 00:03:00,550 Promise me. Oh, shut up. I'm going to do it from the top. Now, look at that. 35 00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:01,870 All right, girls. 36 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:03,710 Stop primping. We're taking the number from the top. 37 00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:07,170 Beauties of the silver screen and sugar. Watch the temples, will you? Don't rush 38 00:03:07,170 --> 00:03:10,210 the actors, will you, please? From the top. One, and two, and. 39 00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:18,390 to serenade the lovely ladies we adore. 40 00:03:18,870 --> 00:03:23,850 The lovely ladies of a bygone day, a bygone day. 41 00:03:24,190 --> 00:03:30,910 They used to entertain us on the silver strings of yore. I'd like to join you 42 00:03:30,910 --> 00:03:33,070 fellows, if I may. 43 00:03:34,970 --> 00:03:41,670 Let's take a little sentimental stroll down memory lane and see those cinemamas 44 00:03:41,670 --> 00:03:43,650 once again. 45 00:03:45,650 --> 00:03:52,430 again who can set my heart on fire and fill me with a man's desire 46 00:03:52,430 --> 00:03:59,410 those lovely beauties of the silver screen who could 47 00:03:59,410 --> 00:04:06,150 make me wreck my life desert my kids and leave my wife those lovely beauties 48 00:04:06,150 --> 00:04:07,970 of the silver screen 49 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:17,970 Heaven seems much nearer when I look at Norma's chair. And when Greta Garbo 50 00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:20,029 speaks, the world is green. 51 00:04:20,910 --> 00:04:27,650 Green with envy, who could make me jump for joy? And make me glad that I'm a 52 00:04:27,650 --> 00:04:31,770 boy? Ask me and I'll tell you who I mean. 53 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:39,210 Those facts are hailing beauties of the children's dreams. 54 00:04:41,230 --> 00:04:45,030 Beauty is a fleeting thing. It wasn't meant to last. 55 00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,850 Too soon it disappears into the void. 56 00:04:48,650 --> 00:04:53,710 But we could keep our memories of those beauties of the past as long as they're 57 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,650 preserved and celluloid. 58 00:04:56,950 --> 00:04:58,490 Romeo had Juliet. 59 00:04:58,830 --> 00:05:00,850 Red Butler had Scarlet O 'Hara. 60 00:05:01,090 --> 00:05:05,270 King Kong had Fay Wray. But we, we've got Vita Farrah! 61 00:05:31,180 --> 00:05:33,920 a pinnacle, a hardest, purest throw. 62 00:05:34,740 --> 00:05:38,040 A bashful eye, she never played the top. 63 00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:43,660 How soon we'd forgotten those golden days of long ago, when Mary Pickpock was 64 00:05:43,660 --> 00:05:44,940 America's sweetheart. 65 00:06:05,550 --> 00:06:07,130 This lady was the best. 66 00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:09,930 Who remembers what Horace Greeley said? 67 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,870 There you are, young man. There you are. 68 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:56,400 Just like the bathtub gin they sold, Clara's wiggle wasn't legal. 69 00:07:33,710 --> 00:07:37,450 We jumped for joy because my mother had a boy. 70 00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:40,970 Ask me and I'll tell you who I mean. 71 00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:45,410 Those bachelor ladies. 72 00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:46,930 Aren't they lovely? 73 00:07:47,290 --> 00:07:50,210 Take a look at that. Aren't they gorgeous? 74 00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,670 Look at those lovely ladies. 75 00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,920 Is that a feeling of nostalgia in it? What? I don't know, Sarge. I don't know. 76 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:15,920 don't know. What's wrong? 77 00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,180 Well, the colonel appropriated money for real girls, the real entertainers. I 78 00:08:19,180 --> 00:08:20,180 think he's going to be sore. 79 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:21,319 Oh, you. 80 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:22,320 Use your imagination. 81 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,860 Hensher, how did it feel to you? Like 30 days in the guardhouse. 82 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,960 Why didn't you think of that before I brewed the money for this show on a six 83 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,360 -horse parley? Now you're becoming a conscience -stricken man. 84 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:32,919 All right. 85 00:08:32,919 --> 00:08:34,500 The whole number. All over again. 86 00:08:36,539 --> 00:08:38,520 Oh, no, you don't, Bilko. 87 00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:41,559 Colonel. Oh, well, we just got through rehearsing, sir. 88 00:08:41,799 --> 00:08:45,060 Kill the scenery. Get the lights off. All right, girls, watch those costumes. 89 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:46,160 Hold it, men! 90 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,260 Sir, it's a little rough in spots, but it's a lovely number, sir. I'm sorry you 91 00:08:50,260 --> 00:08:52,180 missed it. I didn't miss a thing, Belko. 92 00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:53,560 You didn't? 93 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,100 Where were you, sir? In the worst place possible. 94 00:08:56,340 --> 00:08:57,340 Out front. 95 00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:03,000 Well, sir, believe me, we'll work on it, sir, and you'll never know this number. 96 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,900 It'll have such a lift to it, sir. You'll be so proud. I saw the whole ugly 97 00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:11,340 mess. And that goes for Mary Pickford, Peter Barra, and who are you? 98 00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:12,780 Bridget Vardo, sir. 99 00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:17,300 Are you wearing any yellow? No, just a bikini, sir. 100 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,220 When we smooth the number out, you'll be so proud. The men in the cab will be 101 00:09:22,220 --> 00:09:25,820 talking about this for days. Bilko, I appropriated funds for you to hire 102 00:09:25,820 --> 00:09:29,520 professional entertainers. Where's the money, Bilko? Well, so, this same show 103 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,620 with subdued lighting would be such a thrill to the people. Where's the money, 104 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,520 Bilko? Maybe so, when they see the prancing and the dancing, they're 105 00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:36,620 Where's the money, Bilko? 106 00:09:37,130 --> 00:09:38,570 One question at a time, sir. 107 00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:42,410 Bilko, I'm not only calling this show off. I'm going to see to it that you pay 108 00:09:42,410 --> 00:09:43,990 back that money out of your salary. 109 00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:47,410 Sir, I'm sure you'll reconsider. No, I've had enough. 110 00:09:47,750 --> 00:09:51,130 From now on, show business is out of bounds at Camp Fremont. 111 00:09:51,450 --> 00:09:56,510 And you, beauties of the silver screen, back to the motor pool. 112 00:10:00,110 --> 00:10:01,110 Everybody's a critic. 113 00:10:01,130 --> 00:10:03,350 I guarantee he wouldn't yell this way at the theater guild. 114 00:10:06,060 --> 00:10:07,120 Now what are we going to do? 115 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,200 Todd, now what are we... Stop! He's getting an idea. 116 00:10:17,920 --> 00:10:21,480 1971. What's that, Ernie? That's how long it'll take me to pay the money 117 00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:25,800 Hey, Ernie, where do you see the ad for the show? It's on the front page of the 118 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,000 camp newspaper. Get this. 119 00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:32,140 Bilko's Brevity, the gay, witty, scintillating, topical review featuring 120 00:10:32,140 --> 00:10:34,600 most beautiful girls of the Golden West. 121 00:10:35,130 --> 00:10:36,130 Pretty good, huh? 122 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:40,390 You know, Sarge, I'd go to see that show if I hadn't already seen it. Oh, shut 123 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:44,190 up. Hey, Sarge, if you had him, your worries would be over. Him? Who him? Who 124 00:10:44,190 --> 00:10:47,870 him? Him, Lanny Langford. Listen to this. Lanny Langford, writer, director, 125 00:10:47,870 --> 00:10:51,470 star of the smash musical Melody Man, has been recalled to active duty to 126 00:10:51,470 --> 00:10:53,630 participate in a new army recruiting drive. 127 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,310 He will star his tour of duty in San Francisco on the 16th. 128 00:10:57,010 --> 00:10:58,370 When's the 16th? Tomorrow. 129 00:10:59,250 --> 00:11:02,770 Gentlemen, I hope you're prepared to welcome Private Lanny Langford to the 130 00:11:02,770 --> 00:11:04,070 Campfield Motor Platoon. 131 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:08,040 Yeah, Fremont, but Sarge, it says he's going on a recruiting tour. Wrong. 132 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,580 I'm going on a recruiting tour, and Langford is going to be my first 133 00:11:11,820 --> 00:11:15,320 I get it, Sarge. He's going to be the star of Bilko's Brevity. This shoddy 134 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:16,420 little farce, are you kidding? 135 00:11:17,020 --> 00:11:20,240 Langford's going to star in the greatest soldier show since this is the Army, a 136 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,660 show worthy of his great name, Bilko's Folly. 137 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,120 What floor is the Lenny Langford dress conference on? 138 00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,260 12th floor, this elevator, please. 139 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:19,120 Sodge. 140 00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,040 Sodge. Do you think it'll work? 141 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:24,720 Not if you keep calling me Sodge. 142 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,400 Name is Holloway. 143 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:29,900 Lucius Holloway. San Francisco correspondent from Playboy magazine. 144 00:12:30,260 --> 00:12:31,260 Remember that. 145 00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:33,360 Got enough flashbulbs? Yes, Luscious. 146 00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:34,860 Lucius. Luscious. 147 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,300 Shake hands. Yeah, that's good. Great. 148 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,260 General, could you put your arm around Lenny? 149 00:12:43,099 --> 00:12:44,540 Okay, boys, that ought to do it. 150 00:12:46,100 --> 00:12:48,220 Look, any of you folks care for a drink? Now, just help yourselves. 151 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:51,420 Listen, I think we'd better get on with the interview. We've got a deadline to 152 00:12:51,420 --> 00:12:54,220 meet you now. Yeah, let's all sit down and make ourselves comfortable, huh? 153 00:12:54,660 --> 00:12:56,320 It's all yours. Just fire away. 154 00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:59,720 Well, Mr. Lankford, how do you feel about being recalled to Army duty? 155 00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:03,800 Well, the Army's asked me to do a pretty big job. I just hope I live up to their 156 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:04,800 expectations. 157 00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:08,480 Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find the Lanny Lankford press 158 00:13:08,720 --> 00:13:09,439 Well, this is it. 159 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:10,239 Oh, splendid. 160 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,820 I'm Halloway. Labor magazine, circulation, three million. 161 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:15,280 Oh, just sit down, Mr. Halloway. Hi there, Lanny. 162 00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,680 Greetings from Playboy's three million readers. 163 00:13:18,520 --> 00:13:20,120 No, not him, sir. 164 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:21,499 How's everybody? 165 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:25,320 Roll the presses. That's 30 for the night. I love the expressions we use in 166 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,320 newspaper, what we hear. 167 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,600 Nellie Bly, good to see you. How's everybody? 168 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,460 Don't let me hold up anything. Fire away. 169 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,390 Will you be getting a commission, Mr. Langford? No, no, the Army feels I'll be 170 00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:38,390 more effective in recruiting if I'm just an ordinary private. Isn't that right, 171 00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:39,570 General? That's right, Lenny. 172 00:13:40,650 --> 00:13:42,370 Holloway, Playboy, I have a question. 173 00:13:42,610 --> 00:13:43,609 Fire away. 174 00:13:43,610 --> 00:13:44,730 Where will you be stationed? 175 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:46,530 I think I can answer that, Holloway. 176 00:13:46,910 --> 00:13:49,430 Private Langford will be stationed with me in Washington. 177 00:13:50,140 --> 00:13:51,140 Bravo, General. 178 00:13:51,340 --> 00:13:52,400 That takes real courage. 179 00:13:52,620 --> 00:13:53,279 What do you mean? 180 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:57,200 Well, a less courageous general would be afraid of being accused of favoritism. 181 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:01,220 His first impulse would be to make a play for a good press by sending a 182 00:14:01,220 --> 00:14:06,980 celebrity like Lankford to some remote post like Germany or Camp Fremont. But 183 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:07,980 not you, sir. 184 00:14:08,020 --> 00:14:12,380 Well, I didn't think... Let the yellow press cry favoritism. I'll protect you, 185 00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:14,760 sir and playboy, if it means tearing out a pinup. 186 00:14:15,630 --> 00:14:16,589 and I have a question. 187 00:14:16,590 --> 00:14:18,470 Have you noticed that this is a tank for starting? 188 00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:19,690 Have you noticed? 189 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:23,410 Yes, I know your question. You want to know why is General Wilson sending 190 00:14:23,410 --> 00:14:27,450 Private Langford to a plush hotel suite in Washington, D .C., when ordinary 191 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:31,010 privates live 40 to a barrack in Camp Tremont? Is that your question? 192 00:14:31,230 --> 00:14:33,330 That wasn't the question, but it's a good point. 193 00:14:34,330 --> 00:14:35,330 Oh, 194 00:14:36,670 --> 00:14:37,930 let a minute lie me. 195 00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:41,900 You don't have to qualify yourself for these eager beaver scandal mongers. If 196 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:46,000 you want to wear Brooks Brothers custom -made uniform, that's your privilege as 197 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,480 a pampered American president. Brooks Brothers uniform! 198 00:14:49,460 --> 00:14:50,460 What? 199 00:14:51,460 --> 00:14:54,080 What? Who said that? Who said draft doctor? 200 00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:55,600 Draft doctor? 201 00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,700 Do these people and by George, I'll be a witness to you in any court in the 202 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:04,160 land. What's going on here? That's what we'd like to know, General. Do we have a 203 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:05,560 democratic army or not? 204 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:08,630 Just a minute. 205 00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:12,430 Must I remind you you're talking to a general of the United States Army? 206 00:15:12,770 --> 00:15:13,770 Just a moment. 207 00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:18,530 Sir, what these journalistic jackals want to know is simply this. 208 00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:23,610 Is Langford going to spend his time at the deluxe Stadler Hotel in Washington 209 00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:26,450 in an ordinary bunk like any other soldier at Camp Tremont? 210 00:15:27,430 --> 00:15:29,030 Now, just a darn moment. 211 00:15:29,530 --> 00:15:34,710 Now, sir, even though your career hangs in the balance, I know you will answer 212 00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:36,070 with characteristic courage. 213 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:42,760 Ladies and gentlemen of the... Would you speak a little slower? You're taking 214 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:46,100 shorthand here. I want this all down. Go right ahead, sir. There is no question 215 00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:50,320 in my mind that Private Langford is going to be sent to Camp Fremont 216 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:57,320 immediately. Camp Fremont? That's a scoop! Wait a minute. General, listen. 217 00:15:57,540 --> 00:15:58,700 What about the recruiting? 218 00:15:58,920 --> 00:16:01,940 Why, I think, there's no room in the army for troublemakers. 219 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:03,420 Troublemakers? 220 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:25,140 The moment they heard that Lanny Langford was on his way here, the wax 221 00:16:25,140 --> 00:16:29,740 wild, sir. It's really disgraceful. It certainly is. Grown women acting like 222 00:16:29,740 --> 00:16:30,800 scatterbrained kids. 223 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:32,700 John. Oh, hello, Mrs. Hall. 224 00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,400 Nell, what are you doing here? 225 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:38,680 John, has Lanny Langford arrived yet? I want to invite him to dinner. Oh, Nell, 226 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:39,680 not you too. 227 00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:42,480 But John, he's so cute. Nell, I'll see you at home. I'm very busy. John, you 228 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,800 will. I know exactly what he likes to eat. I found it all in the fan magazine. 229 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:46,960 I'll see you later. 230 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,160 I'll see you later. 231 00:16:49,770 --> 00:16:54,250 I've never seen women carry on this way, sir. The worst is yet to come. What do 232 00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:57,650 you mean, sir? You'll see. Wait until Bilko's fan club swings into action. 233 00:16:58,610 --> 00:17:01,250 We're in luck, sir. It's only 11 o 'clock. 234 00:17:01,530 --> 00:17:02,530 You're right. 235 00:17:02,630 --> 00:17:04,490 He won't be up for another two hours. 236 00:17:05,230 --> 00:17:09,829 By that time, we can have Langford processed and hard at work. 237 00:17:10,770 --> 00:17:11,770 Come in. 238 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:18,460 I hope I'm not interrupting anything, sir, but this is an emergency, sir. It 239 00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:19,920 must be to get you up before noon. 240 00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:25,859 Oh, sir, you retain such a sparkling wit. But, sir, there's a crisis, sir, a 241 00:17:25,859 --> 00:17:29,500 crisis at the motor pool. What's happened now, Bilko? One of my key men 242 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,480 injured, sir, and I must have an immediate replacement, if you please, 243 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:33,920 sorry, Bilko, there's nobody available. 244 00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,340 Well, anyone will do. The greenest recruit out of even this chap here, 245 00:17:37,340 --> 00:17:38,700 Blonnie Langman, sir. 246 00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:44,020 Bilko, you do as well as I do. It's not Blonnie Langman, it's Lenny Langford. 247 00:17:44,220 --> 00:17:46,900 Well, it doesn't matter. The name means nothing to me. All I know is that poor 248 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,520 paparelli, sir. He's in agony. 249 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:49,800 Come in, Dino. 250 00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:50,900 Dino. 251 00:17:52,740 --> 00:17:53,740 Sir, 252 00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:57,740 would you believe it? A few months ago, this boy, this boy was the Artie Murphy 253 00:17:57,740 --> 00:17:59,200 of the grease gun, sir. 254 00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:03,540 And now, now that shattered hand will never lift the hood again, sir. 255 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:07,620 Please, sir, give me a replacement and let this veteran get the rest he so 256 00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,000 rarely needs, sir. 257 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:13,220 Sarge, please don't send me away. Maybe I can learn to hold a screwdriver in my 258 00:18:13,220 --> 00:18:14,220 teeth. 259 00:18:14,419 --> 00:18:16,640 Rest. Rest, brave warrior, rest. 260 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,320 You'll campaign no more. 261 00:18:18,780 --> 00:18:22,280 Paparelli, I'm sorry you're hurt. You have 30 days sick leave coming if you'll 262 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,440 just sign this paper. 263 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,440 Oh, yes, sir. I'll get to it. What are you doing? 264 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:30,640 Get out of here, Paparelli, while you're still among the mocking moon. 265 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,140 You, you, you. You're a goldbreaker. 266 00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:36,920 It's a hulk. I'm no part of it. Get out of here. I just told him. 267 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,900 Out, out, out, out, out. 268 00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:45,200 So far. 269 00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:49,520 He repulsed the first wave. 270 00:18:49,740 --> 00:18:52,160 Oh, but he'll strike again, sir. 271 00:18:52,740 --> 00:18:56,260 Where can we put Langford so that Bilko can't get his hands on him? 272 00:18:56,620 --> 00:18:59,380 At the moment, I say we should store him at Fort Knox. 273 00:19:00,220 --> 00:19:01,220 Come in. 274 00:19:01,460 --> 00:19:04,760 And we're going to settle this in front of the colonel once and for all. Emma, 275 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:07,900 please, the colonel's busy. Oh, you'll have to forgive her, sir. She hasn't 276 00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,900 herself for the last ten years. Oh, shut up. 277 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,360 Oh, shut up. 278 00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:14,150 What's this all about? 279 00:19:14,410 --> 00:19:16,590 It's about Bilko's poker game. That's what it's all about. 280 00:19:16,790 --> 00:19:20,370 Colonel, in the last three weeks, he's lost his paycheck, our silverware, my 281 00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:24,310 mother's pearl earrings, everything he can lift, he's bet. Emma. Oh, don't you, 282 00:19:24,370 --> 00:19:24,909 Emma, me. 283 00:19:24,910 --> 00:19:29,390 You bet everything else, bet me. Look, I'm a $5 poker chip. Bet me. You lose 284 00:19:29,390 --> 00:19:30,770 everything else, you lose me. 285 00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,590 I ain't got that kind of luck. 286 00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:33,950 Oh. 287 00:19:34,530 --> 00:19:38,870 Now you know the way he talks to me. Please, please, Mrs. Rissinger, there 288 00:19:38,870 --> 00:19:41,490 be some way to settle this. Yeah, in Madison Square Garden. 289 00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:48,100 I'll show everybody. 290 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,640 Look, everybody. You want to see the way my husband hits me? 291 00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,580 Mrs. Ritzig, I've had a very trying morning. 292 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:59,260 What do you want me to do? I want you to keep Bilko out of my sight, out of my 293 00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:01,640 house, and out of my pocketbook. That's what I want. 294 00:20:01,860 --> 00:20:05,340 Very well. Sergeant Ritzig, from now on, I want you to keep away from Bilko. 295 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:08,980 You're not to play poker with him. You're not to talk to him. That's an 296 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,820 Thank you, Colonel. You're just wonderful, and I can kiss you. 297 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,820 Don't. You've upset him enough already. 298 00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:25,330 Grant George, I think I've solved the problem of how to put Blankford out of 299 00:20:25,330 --> 00:20:28,810 Bilko's reach. I'll put him in Ritzik's platoon, and I'll quarter him in 300 00:20:28,810 --> 00:20:29,629 Ritzik's house. 301 00:20:29,630 --> 00:20:33,730 I see your strategy, sir. Bilko won't be able to reach Ritzik during the day, 302 00:20:33,770 --> 00:20:35,790 and he won't get past Mrs. Ritzik at night. 303 00:20:35,990 --> 00:20:36,990 That's it. 304 00:20:41,350 --> 00:20:43,430 I'm frightened, Lance. I'm frightened, Parker. 305 00:20:44,230 --> 00:20:45,230 But why, sir? 306 00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:47,750 I'm beginning to think like Bilko. 307 00:20:49,710 --> 00:20:51,790 I can only end up in one of two places. 308 00:20:52,570 --> 00:20:54,870 Chief of Staff or Alcatraz. 27050

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