All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e18_keep_in_step

Because of tonight's Phil Silver
special, immediately following the

Silver show presented by the R .J.
Reynolds Tobacco Company and the Luxe

Playhouse, brought to you by Lever
Brothers, will not be seen. They will

next week at their usual times on most
of these stations.

The Pontiac Star Parade, brought to you
by Pontiac and your authorized Pontiac

dealer. who proudly sell the beautiful
59 pontiac america's number one road car

present for january phil silvers in keep
in step

also starring diana doors and paul ford
and special guest star sydney chaplin

That's a nice beginning.

Nice to be back again for the Pontiac
people. And isn't this a wonderful car?

Say, I hope the show is good tonight
because I have a hunch if it isn't,

take the car back.

And I've grown to love it. Look what
they did for me. Listen to this horn.

Isn't that great? It's me. They've
captured the real me.

Well, should we get on with it?

On with the wind.

No.

On with the place.

On with the show.

Hooray, hooray, hooray for Hollywood.

The people always having lots of fun
there around.

Oh, cut, cut, cut, cut. Oh, come on.
Salud.

Where's the fire? Where's the spirit?
Don't you know you're supposed to be a

group of carefree, happy -go -lucky
playboys now? Where's the elegance?

the savoir -faire? Where's the gaiety?
Is that so hard?

It's almost impossible after three hours
of latrine duty. All right, Spencer, no

more food.

Wishes I don't need now. Come on. Let's
work on it. We only got two days before

we open.

Have you forgotten I promised the
Colonel this is going to be the greatest

show that Camp Fremont has ever seen? An
extravaganza? Some extravaganza. Shock

theater with music. I heard that.

One more crack out of you, I'll see that
you never work in show business again.

Promise me. Oh, shut up. I'm going to do
it from the top. Now, look at that.

All right, girls.

Stop primping. We're taking the number
from the top.

Beauties of the silver screen and sugar.
Watch the temples, will you? Don't rush

the actors, will you, please? From the
top. One, and two, and.

to serenade the lovely ladies we adore.

The lovely ladies of a bygone day, a
bygone day.

They used to entertain us on the silver
strings of yore. I'd like to join you

fellows, if I may.

Let's take a little sentimental stroll
down memory lane and see those cinemamas

once again.

again who can set my heart on fire and
fill me with a man's desire

those lovely beauties of the silver
screen who could

make me wreck my life desert my kids and
leave my wife those lovely beauties

of the silver screen

Heaven seems much nearer when I look at
Norma's chair. And when Greta Garbo

speaks, the world is green.

Green with envy, who could make me jump
for joy? And make me glad that I'm a

boy? Ask me and I'll tell you who I
mean.

Those facts are hailing beauties of the
children's dreams.

Beauty is a fleeting thing. It wasn't
meant to last.

Too soon it disappears into the void.

But we could keep our memories of those
beauties of the past as long as they're

preserved and celluloid.

Romeo had Juliet.

Red Butler had Scarlet O 'Hara.

King Kong had Fay Wray. But we, we've
got Vita Farrah!

a pinnacle, a hardest, purest throw.

A bashful eye, she never played the top.

How soon we'd forgotten those golden
days of long ago, when Mary Pickpock was

America's sweetheart.

This lady was the best.

Who remembers what Horace Greeley said?

There you are, young man. There you are.

Just like the bathtub gin they sold,
Clara's wiggle wasn't legal.

We jumped for joy because my mother had
a boy.

Ask me and I'll tell you who I mean.

Those bachelor ladies.

Aren't they lovely?

Take a look at that. Aren't they
gorgeous?

Look at those lovely ladies.

Is that a feeling of nostalgia in it?
What? I don't know, Sarge. I don't know.

don't know. What's wrong?

Well, the colonel appropriated money for
real girls, the real entertainers. I

think he's going to be sore.

Oh, you.

Use your imagination.

Hensher, how did it feel to you? Like 30
days in the guardhouse.

Why didn't you think of that before I
brewed the money for this show on a six

-horse parley? Now you're becoming a
conscience -stricken man.

All right.

The whole number. All over again.

Oh, no, you don't, Bilko.

Colonel. Oh, well, we just got through
rehearsing, sir.

Kill the scenery. Get the lights off.
All right, girls, watch those costumes.

Hold it, men!

Sir, it's a little rough in spots, but
it's a lovely number, sir. I'm sorry you

missed it. I didn't miss a thing, Belko.

You didn't?

Where were you, sir? In the worst place
possible.

Out front.

Well, sir, believe me, we'll work on it,
sir, and you'll never know this number.

It'll have such a lift to it, sir.
You'll be so proud. I saw the whole ugly

mess. And that goes for Mary Pickford,
Peter Barra, and who are you?

Bridget Vardo, sir.

Are you wearing any yellow? No, just a
bikini, sir.

When we smooth the number out, you'll be
so proud. The men in the cab will be

talking about this for days. Bilko, I
appropriated funds for you to hire

professional entertainers. Where's the
money, Bilko? Well, so, this same show

with subdued lighting would be such a
thrill to the people. Where's the money,

Bilko? Maybe so, when they see the
prancing and the dancing, they're

Where's the money, Bilko?

One question at a time, sir.

Bilko, I'm not only calling this show
off. I'm going to see to it that you pay

back that money out of your salary.

Sir, I'm sure you'll reconsider. No,
I've had enough.

From now on, show business is out of
bounds at Camp Fremont.

And you, beauties of the silver screen,
back to the motor pool.

Everybody's a critic.

I guarantee he wouldn't yell this way at
the theater guild.

Now what are we going to do?

Todd, now what are we... Stop! He's
getting an idea.

1971. What's that, Ernie? That's how
long it'll take me to pay the money

Hey, Ernie, where do you see the ad for
the show? It's on the front page of the

camp newspaper. Get this.

Bilko's Brevity, the gay, witty,
scintillating, topical review featuring

most beautiful girls of the Golden West.

Pretty good, huh?

You know, Sarge, I'd go to see that show
if I hadn't already seen it. Oh, shut

up. Hey, Sarge, if you had him, your
worries would be over. Him? Who him? Who

him? Him, Lanny Langford. Listen to
this. Lanny Langford, writer, director,

star of the smash musical Melody Man,
has been recalled to active duty to

participate in a new army recruiting
drive.

He will star his tour of duty in San
Francisco on the 16th.

When's the 16th? Tomorrow.

Gentlemen, I hope you're prepared to
welcome Private Lanny Langford to the

Campfield Motor Platoon.

Yeah, Fremont, but Sarge, it says he's
going on a recruiting tour. Wrong.

I'm going on a recruiting tour, and
Langford is going to be my first

I get it, Sarge. He's going to be the
star of Bilko's Brevity. This shoddy

little farce, are you kidding?

Langford's going to star in the greatest
soldier show since this is the Army, a

show worthy of his great name, Bilko's
Folly.

What floor is the Lenny Langford dress
conference on?

12th floor, this elevator, please.

Sodge.

Sodge. Do you think it'll work?

Not if you keep calling me Sodge.

Name is Holloway.

Lucius Holloway. San Francisco
correspondent from Playboy magazine.

Remember that.

Got enough flashbulbs? Yes, Luscious.

Lucius. Luscious.

Shake hands. Yeah, that's good. Great.

General, could you put your arm around
Lenny?

Okay, boys, that ought to do it.

Look, any of you folks care for a drink?
Now, just help yourselves.

Listen, I think we'd better get on with
the interview. We've got a deadline to

meet you now. Yeah, let's all sit down
and make ourselves comfortable, huh?

It's all yours. Just fire away.

Well, Mr. Lankford, how do you feel
about being recalled to Army duty?

Well, the Army's asked me to do a pretty
big job. I just hope I live up to their

expectations.

Excuse me, can you tell me where I can
find the Lanny Lankford press

Well, this is it.

Oh, splendid.

I'm Halloway. Labor magazine,
circulation, three million.

Oh, just sit down, Mr. Halloway. Hi
there, Lanny.

Greetings from Playboy's three million
readers.

No, not him, sir.

How's everybody?

Roll the presses. That's 30 for the
night. I love the expressions we use in

newspaper, what we hear.

Nellie Bly, good to see you. How's
everybody?

Don't let me hold up anything. Fire
away.

Will you be getting a commission, Mr.
Langford? No, no, the Army feels I'll be

more effective in recruiting if I'm just
an ordinary private. Isn't that right,

General? That's right, Lenny.

Holloway, Playboy, I have a question.

Fire away.

Where will you be stationed?

I think I can answer that, Holloway.

Private Langford will be stationed with
me in Washington.

Bravo, General.

That takes real courage.

What do you mean?

Well, a less courageous general would be
afraid of being accused of favoritism.

His first impulse would be to make a
play for a good press by sending a

celebrity like Lankford to some remote
post like Germany or Camp Fremont. But

not you, sir.

Well, I didn't think... Let the yellow
press cry favoritism. I'll protect you,

sir and playboy, if it means tearing out
a pinup.

and I have a question.

Have you noticed that this is a tank for
starting?

Have you noticed?

Yes, I know your question. You want to
know why is General Wilson sending

Private Langford to a plush hotel suite
in Washington, D .C., when ordinary

privates live 40 to a barrack in Camp
Tremont? Is that your question?

That wasn't the question, but it's a
good point.

Oh,

let a minute lie me.

You don't have to qualify yourself for
these eager beaver scandal mongers. If

you want to wear Brooks Brothers custom
-made uniform, that's your privilege as

a pampered American president. Brooks
Brothers uniform!

What?

What? Who said that? Who said draft
doctor?

Draft doctor?

Do these people and by George, I'll be a
witness to you in any court in the

land. What's going on here? That's what
we'd like to know, General. Do we have a

democratic army or not?

Just a minute.

Must I remind you you're talking to a
general of the United States Army?

Just a moment.

Sir, what these journalistic jackals
want to know is simply this.

Is Langford going to spend his time at
the deluxe Stadler Hotel in Washington

in an ordinary bunk like any other
soldier at Camp Tremont?

Now, just a darn moment.

Now, sir, even though your career hangs
in the balance, I know you will answer

with characteristic courage.

Ladies and gentlemen of the... Would you
speak a little slower? You're taking

shorthand here. I want this all down. Go
right ahead, sir. There is no question

in my mind that Private Langford is
going to be sent to Camp Fremont

immediately. Camp Fremont? That's a
scoop! Wait a minute. General, listen.

What about the recruiting?

Why, I think, there's no room in the
army for troublemakers.

Troublemakers?

The moment they heard that Lanny
Langford was on his way here, the wax

wild, sir. It's really disgraceful. It
certainly is. Grown women acting like

scatterbrained kids.

John. Oh, hello, Mrs. Hall.

Nell, what are you doing here?

John, has Lanny Langford arrived yet? I
want to invite him to dinner. Oh, Nell,

not you too.

But John, he's so cute. Nell, I'll see
you at home. I'm very busy. John, you

will. I know exactly what he likes to
eat. I found it all in the fan magazine.

I'll see you later.

I'll see you later.

I've never seen women carry on this way,
sir. The worst is yet to come. What do

you mean, sir? You'll see. Wait until
Bilko's fan club swings into action.

We're in luck, sir. It's only 11 o
'clock.

You're right.

He won't be up for another two hours.

By that time, we can have Langford
processed and hard at work.

Come in.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything,
sir, but this is an emergency, sir. It

must be to get you up before noon.

Oh, sir, you retain such a sparkling
wit. But, sir, there's a crisis, sir, a

crisis at the motor pool. What's
happened now, Bilko? One of my key men

injured, sir, and I must have an
immediate replacement, if you please,

sorry, Bilko, there's nobody available.

Well, anyone will do. The greenest
recruit out of even this chap here,

Blonnie Langman, sir.

Bilko, you do as well as I do. It's not
Blonnie Langman, it's Lenny Langford.

Well, it doesn't matter. The name means
nothing to me. All I know is that poor

paparelli, sir. He's in agony.

Come in, Dino.

Dino.

Sir,

would you believe it? A few months ago,
this boy, this boy was the Artie Murphy

of the grease gun, sir.

And now, now that shattered hand will
never lift the hood again, sir.

Please, sir, give me a replacement and
let this veteran get the rest he so

rarely needs, sir.

Sarge, please don't send me away. Maybe
I can learn to hold a screwdriver in my

teeth.

Rest. Rest, brave warrior, rest.

You'll campaign no more.

Paparelli, I'm sorry you're hurt. You
have 30 days sick leave coming if you'll

just sign this paper.

Oh, yes, sir. I'll get to it. What are
you doing?

Get out of here, Paparelli, while you're
still among the mocking moon.

You, you, you. You're a goldbreaker.

It's a hulk. I'm no part of it. Get out
of here. I just told him.

Out, out, out, out, out.

So far.

He repulsed the first wave.

Oh, but he'll strike again, sir.

Where can we put Langford so that Bilko
can't get his hands on him?

At the moment, I say we should store him
at Fort Knox.

Come in.

And we're going to settle this in front
of the colonel once and for all. Emma,

please, the colonel's busy. Oh, you'll
have to forgive her, sir. She hasn't

herself for the last ten years. Oh, shut
up.

Oh, shut up.

What's this all about?

It's about Bilko's poker game. That's
what it's all about.

Colonel, in the last three weeks, he's
lost his paycheck, our silverware, my

mother's pearl earrings, everything he
can lift, he's bet. Emma. Oh, don't you,

Emma, me.

You bet everything else, bet me. Look,
I'm a $5 poker chip. Bet me. You lose

everything else, you lose me.

I ain't got that kind of luck.

Oh.

Now you know the way he talks to me.
Please, please, Mrs. Rissinger, there

be some way to settle this. Yeah, in
Madison Square Garden.

I'll show everybody.

Look, everybody. You want to see the way
my husband hits me?

Mrs. Ritzig, I've had a very trying
morning.

What do you want me to do? I want you to
keep Bilko out of my sight, out of my

house, and out of my pocketbook. That's
what I want.

Very well. Sergeant Ritzig, from now on,
I want you to keep away from Bilko.

You're not to play poker with him.
You're not to talk to him. That's an

Thank you, Colonel. You're just
wonderful, and I can kiss you.

Don't. You've upset him enough already.

Grant George, I think I've solved the
problem of how to put Blankford out of

Bilko's reach. I'll put him in Ritzik's
platoon, and I'll quarter him in

Ritzik's house.

I see your strategy, sir. Bilko won't be
able to reach Ritzik during the day,

and he won't get past Mrs. Ritzik at
night.

That's it.

I'm frightened, Lance. I'm frightened,
Parker.

But why, sir?

I'm beginning to think like Bilko.

I can only end up in one of two places.

Chief of Staff or Alcatraz.