All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e16_bilkos_hollywood_romance

Here I am!

Here I am!

Come on, it's got to stop. These scenes,
these scandals, these marriages. Lots

of stars have been married five times.
Not in six months, they haven't.

Come on, Donners, what do you want me to
do, play canaster?

This bad publicity is ruining us. The
studio spent a fortune on this picture.

hated it. Honey, Rebecca of Sunnybrook
Farms, a classic, and this is the first

time it's ever been done as a musical.
So you've got to cooperate. Tell us,

Smitty. Well, we're starting a publicity
campaign.

For the opening stunt, we've had you
elected sweetheart of Camp Remus.

patriotic. And next Saturday night,
we've arranged for a personal appearance

you when they preview your picture at
Camp Remus. Saturday night? I got a

And that's another thing. No more dates
unless they're simple, wholesome

American types.

What am I supposed to do? Go study with
Gabby Hayes? Come on. I'm always

thinking of your career. Just let me get
a few pictures in the newspapers of you

surrounded by simple, clean -cut young
soldiers.

I could go shower up for one or two
weeks. Hey, give me a booze, somebody.

Again.

Did I have a dream about her last night?

Banda, you're a married man.

We're the ones who do the most dreaming.

Hold it down in here, will you?

What's going on here?

She'll be here Saturday night.

Monica Malamore.

Hollywood's a refreshable madcap.

Monica Malamore.

This? This is what you're screaming
about?

This is what you want? This publicity
mad dame? This dame who gets married

week? This dame who gets romanced by
every phony who comes to town? This man

-chasing, man -crazy dame? This is what
you want?

Yes.

If it was up to guys like you, Greer
Gosselin would be an unknown.

What's that?

They think that Monica Malamar's coming
here to entertain them. What is she

coming for, Annie?

For a dry cleaning.

She's gotten such bad publicity, they
think they'll clean her up by having her

entertain a group of G .I .s. It brings
me up.

What are you getting so sore about?

The thing that I have to play the wide
-eyed, innocent G .I. for Miss Monica

Malamar. You, Sarge?

Of course. They always take on some G
.I. Give them the full treatment, you

know. The cheek -to -cheek dancing, the
free dinner, the champagne.

Well, I suppose I'll have to go through
with it.

Thanks for protecting us from all that
ecstasy.

What makes you so sure you're going to
be the one? Because Captain Barker told

me so.

Yeah? When did he say that?

About ten minutes from now.

Oh, yes, I'll be the one.

Captain Barker probably made up his mind
to do that himself already. I find that

very insulting.

What? Captain Barker making up his own
mind.

Come on.

Ah, good afternoon, Captain.

Oh, Bilko, I'm glad you're here.

Oh? Anything I can do for you, sir? Yes,
I'd like you to have a staff car ready

for my use at six o 'clock tomorrow
evening.

Saturday evening, sir?

That is, if you don't mind my using the
staff car for official business.

The captain has a wonderful sense of
humor, sir. That is enough, Bilko.

Remember, now I want that car at six o
'clock sharp. Yes, sir. The captain will

be away for the weekend, sir?

No, Bilko, I just have to run into Grove
City to pick up Monica Malamar.

Monica Malamar, sir? You're going to
pick her up personally, sir?

Of course. Anything wrong?

Well, it's none of my business, perhaps,
sir, but I was just wondering about the

advisability of you being seen with such
a notorious personality just when

you're about to become a major, sir. I'm
only going to pick her up at the hotel,

Bill Cole. Yes, that's what Colonel
Wilson said.

At his court, Marshal, sir. And Colonel
Wilson? Well, it's Private Wilson now,

sir.

But she had had a little too much of the
old red -eye, you know. Well, you

probably read about it in Confidential,
sir. Six o 'clock. Staff guy, yes, sir.

Just a minute, sir.

Are you doing anything Saturday night?
Me? Oh, sir, not me, sir. You see, I'm

going with a very respectable girl, sir.
She's a librarian, sir. Nevertheless.

But,

sir. Yes, sir. That's an order. Yes,
sir.

Oh, sir, don't understand.

I don't know how I let myself get talked
into this. I hit town, a miserable army

post, a crummy hotel room. Look, I did
the best I could. This is the royal

suite. Then you better open a window.
The last worldly to stay here must have

been King Kong. I know. I need the
favorable publicity. Let's get it over

Good. Now, in a few minutes, a guy from
Camp Fremont will be here to drive us

out to the post. I'm ready. I just have
to put my belt on. Monica, I know these

soldiers aren't the type of men you're
used to. So?

So watch your language.

This is our room. Give me your hat.
Right. You got the autographed book?

a minute.

Well, sir?

They want to see a typical wide -eyed G
.I.? I'll see that they're not let down.

You guys better blow. Right, sir.

Miss Malamont, my name is Ernest Bilger.
On behalf of the men of Count

Freeman... Oh, excuse me. My glasses
always steam up when I get excited.

You're just slipping into a dress. Oh,
well, I'd better wait outside on the

sidewalk.

You're very shy, aren't you, Sergeant?
Gee whittikins, who wouldn't be shy?

Shucks, meeting a great big shot.

Sergeant, would you mind waiting here
for a minute?

I'll see if Monica's ready. Yes, sir.

Monica. Monica, I've got it. I've got
it. What? The topper to this whole

publicity campaign.

It'll make headlines. The squares will
eat it up. Let's have it. A romance with

a plain, ordinary G .I. Joe.

Liddy, are you kidding?

Listen, a serious romance with a
wholesome American soldier will get the

back on your side. And you found him?
He's outside in the hall right now. Oh,

he's not much to look at, but that'll
make a better story. He's shy, he wears

glasses, and he's got a great big crush
on you.

I'm nauseous.

Play along.

Make up to him and I guarantee your
career will really zoom. How long is

great romance last? Just a couple of
weeks and then we'll dump him.

Okay, let's get it over with.

Make it good now, huh?

Come right in, Sergeant.

Sergeant?

I want you to meet Sergeant Ennis
Pilgrim. He's come to drive us out to

camp.

I'm sorry. I'm so glad to meet you,
Ernie.

I... I brought you some flowers.

They're lovely.

My, you're a child.

Will you two kids excuse me a moment?
Oh, Mr.

Donko, I... Won't you sit down, Ernie?
Yes.

Miss Malamar, would you... Would you...
Would you sign my autograph

book?

Yes. All my very big favorites are in
there. Would you sign between... Between

my gym teacher and Art Linkletter? I'd
love to.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Thank you very much.

Now then, tell me all about yourself.

Oh, nothing to tell. I'm in the army,
and, well, I'm 34 years

old, and I'm in charge of the motor pool
at Camp Fremont, and, well,

every morning I'm down there in that
grease pit.

My, you've had a fascinating career.

It has been fun.

Look at all those decorations.

Aren't you lucky to have such a big
chair for the gentleman?

Where did you get this from?

Oh, oh, oh, that's my good conduct
medal.

It figures.

Oh, this one here. I got that when I was
in the hospital.

Oh, you poor boy.

Were you hurt badly? Were you wounded in
the head?

In the chest?

The left?

So soon?

Ready to go, kids?

Now, say, Ernie, after Monica finishes
her show, how'd you like to have dinner

with her? Oh, shucks. Golly, gee, I only
got $1 .15 with me. Oh, don't worry

about the money. We'll take care of
everything.

Oh, gosh, wait till I write Mom and tell
her about this.

Well, shall we go?

And it really worked, Ernie. Oh,

perfect.

After the show, we drove to San
Francisco and Monica's Jaguar. And from

it was one nightclub after another. Just
like you figured. Oh, it worked

perfect. I gave him that. Oh, shucks.
Gee willikers, Miss Malabar. Such a big

movie star like you. I played the
country bumpkin till the last cab was

You know what happened? It was a lot of
fun. Fun for me. They got that

publicity. Nobody was hurt.

Hey, Sarge.

There's a civilian here to see you.
Civilian?

All right, show him in.

Cheek to cheek.

Which cheek, Sarge? This one?

Get out of here.

Hi, Bilko.

Mr. Smith, what are you doing here?
Bilko, can I speak to you for a moment?

In private.

Sure, sure.

Boy, leave us alone, will you? I had a
good time last night. Bilko, why did you

do it? Why? Why?

Do what?

Oh, come on, Bilko. Why did you turn on
a charm?

What are you talking about?

Oh, Bilko, isn't she mixed up enough
without getting involved?

Who? Who's mixed up? What?

Bilko, Monica Malamar is in love with
you.

Look, all I did was dance.

In love with me?

Skip the modesty, Bilko. You're a clean
-cut, wholesome guy.

After all the bum she's known, you must
have known she'd go for you.

Why, you're a breath of fresh air.

Monica Malamar in love with me? Yes, and
that's why I'm here.

Give the kid a break, Bilko.

Don't follow her to Hollywood.

Don't haunt her apartment at the Sunset
Towers. But stay awake.

If you have any feeling for this girl,
you'll stay out of her life.

Hey, Ernie, what do you want?

What gives, Sarge?

I... Monica Malamont is in love with me.

In love with you?

Yeah. I wonder where that happened.

But, Ernie, you were playing that goofy
character. She wouldn't go for that. Oh,

yeah? Don't sell her shut, buddy boy.

She saw right through that Clem
Cadiddlehopper and fell in love with the

me. You?

What would she see in you?

You wouldn't ask such a stupid question.
If you could see me through a woman's

eyes, you'd understand.

But, Ernie, Monica Malamar, a big movie
star, and you, it doesn't make sense.

Oh, no? Did Romeo and Juliet make sense?

Did the Duke of Windsor and Wally make
sense? And how about Arthur Miller and

Marilyn Monroe? Yeah, but Sarge, listen.

You really... Please, please.

Oh, what?

A woman falls in love. You can't find
these things at the chemical age. She

falls in love. That's all there is to
it. But listen, Sarge, you said yourself

she's a man -crazy, man -chasing dame.
Oh.

Talk that way about the woman who was in
love with me.

Love? I hardly know what you mean, love.

Like her? Yes, but love. Come on, Hank.
But what's the big fuss about? Don't you

understand? This poor girl's been
surrounded by sham, by phonies. She

someone to drive her Jaguar, take her
dancing, dance cheap, to drink

Good heavens, it's the least I can do
for her.

Let's go.

That's right, J .P. He went for it hook,
line, and sinker. Had Monica and a

photographer waiting for him at the
airport.

When? Come on.

In about two hours, he's on his way.

Monica Malamar's romance with smiling
Ernie Bilko seems to be the real thing.

We're all pleased that Monica found Mr.

Right at last. I don't care. I can't
stand him. I can't stand him another

minute. He's been here a week and I'm
going out of my mind. On the set, in my

dressing room, in my apartment. Calm
down, Monica. The press reaction's been

sensational. Look. I don't care.

motion picture star and a simple,
wholesome American soldier.

Simple, wholesome? Have you seen him
since he came to Hollywood? Do you know

much he's changed?

Hello,

hello, hello!

Hello, hello, hello.

Call me Ernst. Monica, baby, you look
positively delectable.

I'll talk to you in a minute. I just saw
yesterday's rushes on Monica's latest

flicker. Brutal! Brutal! We'll have to
do them all over again. Bill told you,

realize that a shooting costs $30 ,000.

Sweetie, don't quibble with me with
pennies when there's a girl's career at

stake. Sugar, in the close -ups, they
murdered you.

Will you hold the calls? We're in
conference.

J .P., I've decided to fix that ending.
The final scene, I've changed it

completely. Here's the way it is.

Monica and her lover are sitting on the
stoops of this tenement, surrounded by

garbage cans.

Realism. You know what I mean? Realism.

Can I want garbage cans? Vilco, are you
out of your mind? In this picture,

Monica's supposed to be a Park Avenue
debutante.

Sweetie, that's not the real Monica.

Vilco, I've been in this business all my
life. I discovered Monica.

I'm glad you mentioned that, but look at
her contract, J .P. We'll have to

renegotiate. Vilco, that's none of your
business.

Oh, isn't it? You've exploited this
young lady long enough.

From now on, this child is going to get
$400 ,000 a picture as against 10 % of

the gross. How does that sound?

This is utterly ridiculous. Monica, tell
this clown where to get off. With

pleasure, J .D.

Ernie, you're the most conniving heel I
ever met.

And the most wonderful.

Monica, what are you saying?

I'm not saying anything from now on.
Ernie does all my talking. Oh, thank

baby, for the green light. Look, if you
don't agree to our terms, honey, we can

always go independent.

How does this sound?

Biltgold, Malamar Productions
Incorporated. Howard.

Look at the lovebirds. What do you say
to that, J .D.? You're fired.

J .P., we'll be gone a couple of hours.
Meanwhile, you can mull over Monica's

new contract.

Come, sugar. The Jaguars double pot.

See ya.

Looks like I created another prank. Of
course, Paul. I've never had such a big

mouth. Smitty, you've got to get rid of
him before he gives Monica too many big

ideas. I think I know how to stop.

In the last two weeks, he's become an
agent, a lawyer, a writer, a producer.

What's left? A movie star.

We count him into taking a screen test.
Then we dangle a fat contract in front

of his beady, greedy eyes, and we've got
him where we want him. Do you think we

can fool him? We couldn't, but a big
director like Emil Petrov could. But he

will give it a whirl.

J .P., this is an historic occasion.

We are about to discover the most
romantic leading man since Ben Turkle.

Oh, come on, sweetie. Let's get with it.
Does J .P. know I've been waiting over

three and a half minutes? I'm sorry, Mr.
Bilko, but he's in conference with Emil

Petrov. Emil Petrov? The great director?

Wonderful. I want him for Monica's next
picture. I don't think they'll be very

long, Mr. Bilko.

He'll be in in a minute.

Now, remember, Emil, if we want to get
rid of this phony, you've got to be very

convincing. Don't worry.

I bamboozle the Bolsheviks. I can fool
anybody.

Oh, JP, I was just wondering... Oh,
excuse me. I didn't know the great Emil

Petrov was here. Please, Bilko, don't
interrupt.

This is very important.

Now, go on, Emil.

That's just the point. I can't go on.

You have given me an actor who is an
absolute nut.

But, Emil, he's one of our most famous
character actors.

When you make a picture about the brains
of three musketeers, he should be a he

-man. Not a sissy with a high -pitched
voice.

Right? Right.

This part is organized.

Not a pasty -faced mama's boy with a
split curl.

Did you ever... You can't imagine what a
horror it is. Yes, yes.

A husky swashbuck.

Comes out a skinny little thing with a
curly hair. Oh, he's very sickening,

though. Oh, it's so revolting.

We gave you the best one.

He is not good enough.

This picture will be a flop without the
right musketeer. Come on, JP, don't

argue. Get on the phone. Get me Tony
Kirk.

He is not available.

Not available?

they disbarred in Hollywood. All right,
we'll get a new face.

Someone young, charming, weird.

Take off your glasses.

I had trouble with Harry.

He says, this is the man I was looking
for and you were going to send him away.

But, Emil, you're making a mistake. He's
not an actor. He's nothing.

Nothing. Today, nothing tomorrow, an
important Hollywood star.

I, Emil Petrov, promise you that.

But he's not even good looking.

Sex appeal is not a matter of looks.
Right?

Right. But he really doesn't even have
hair.

What is your brain about you? Attacker
Spaniard?

Let him go. You're too conventional.

Emil, this is insane. We don't even know
how he'll photograph. Just a darn

minute. I happen to have a snapshot of
my wallet taken over two years ago. But

you can see for yourself.

The reality comes true.

We will find out how he photographs.

The

maestro

says so. The maestro says so. Be on the
set tomorrow at nine o 'clock. Sharp?

Good day, gentlemen.

Well, it's a long shot, but just in
case, we should change his name.

What do you mean, change my name?

Ernie Philco doesn't sound like a movie
actor. It's got to be catchy like tab or

rock. I've got it. What?

Brick. Brick Philco. What do you say?

Well, I'll discuss this tomorrow on the
set with Amos, but for now, I've got to

turn in. I don't want to look haggard
tomorrow on the set.

Brick. Brick Philco. Yes, it's him. It's
him.

It worked.

It worked.

What next?

After the spring test, we give him a
seven -year contract on one condition.

he give up Hanukkah for the good of his
career. Right. And by this time

tomorrow, Bilko should be on his way
back to the army. Right.

Ready on the set, Mr. Petrov.

Thank you.

Ah, Petrov, how's it going? Does Bilko
suspect anything? Nothing. J .P.,

at all. Where is he?

By the hairdressers.

Brick!

said, Mr. Bilko?

Sorry,

I'm sorry, but that fool of a makeup man
took forever with my eyebrows.

I mean, oh, I just thought of a great
publicity campaign.

Put this on all the dailies. A full
-page picture of me stripped from the

up, back to the camera, no name, tease
him for a few weeks. You got it? Oh,

great idea.

Tell you what I want, Angel. Close -ups.
All close -ups. Saving this side, the

temple. You understand? I will do it. I
will do it. I like him. I like him. He's

my kind of a director. Say, listen.

Thank you, Briggs. Thank you, Briggs. I
want to live for a bit.

That royal dog.

That onion.

That's his cup. To no man.

See what I mean?

We'll fix it. We'll fix it.

second thing. Will it be all right for
this page? Yes, it will. Just try it

anyway. I tried to get a man to do his
business, but they let me go. All right,

you're going to do it? Yes, yes. Come
on.

Everybody, while he's in the mood.

Now, light, camera, action.

I never laughed so hard in my life.

Take that. Take that, you royal dog.

That means a star is coming in.

Bravo!

That's good.

Emil says you'll be a sensation.

Wait till I see the test. Oh, no, Bill
Cole.

We shouldn't have even told you how
great it was until we talked. Contract!

You're right, J .P. I can be pretty
rough when I'm in the driver's seat. Oh,

Oh, Spitty, I want those publicity
releases sent out to all the dailies.

so fast, not so fast. We've got to be
careful about your publicity.

What do you mean? Did you ever read any
scandal in connection with Spencer

Tracy? No. Or Jimmy Stewart or William
Holden? Never. No, and we don't want to

read any about Brick Bilko. That's the
way I want it. I want nothing.

What's the matter?

Well, since you gentlemen started, I can
safely say it. Say what?

I don't want my name linked with Monica
Malamore anymore.

What do you mean?

She's a lovely girl and all that, but
that terribly propensity of hers. I

those skates with the priest, those
marriages.

After all, I want my public to know me
as Brick Vilco, a wholesome American

A Vilco? I don't understand. I thought
you two... Oh, come on, J .P. You're a

man of the world. It was just a passing
fancy. Of course, Monica will be

terribly upset.

I'll try to let her down as gently as I
can. Ernie, darling, where have you

been? You promised to take me to lunch
at the commissary. Oh, did I really? It

completely slipped my mind. Gentlemen,
will you excuse us a moment? I want to

alone with her. Thank you very much.

What's up, Ernie?

Monica, I want to talk to you. Sit down
a moment.

Monica, I'll try to be as kind and as
gentle as I can and still let you know

what I'm talking about.

Monica?

Well, don't look at me, dear. This is
tough enough as it is.

Ernie, what is it?

Monica, Monica, Monica. Oh, Ernie, what
happened today?

All right, Monica.

This is it. We're through.

What? I said it, and I bet it's over.

Dear,

I'm a rising young star.

A young star? Yes, and I can't afford to
be involved with you and your spicy

reputation. Are you kidding?

No, this is it, Monica. You've had it.

Don't get it started.

You were rising young star.

Well, just speak to Emil Petra. He
personally directed my test.

you for the three musketeers.

Yes, well, how did you know that?

You were getting in their hair.

This whole thing was a plot to break us
up and get rid of you.

I think you're right. Why would
Petrov... That'll show you. That'll show

what vanity and conceit can do to a
fine, greedy mind like mine.

Honey,

this is for your benefit.

Play ball with me just a few more
moments, will you?

Here's what we'll do.

What's happening?

Kind of quiet in there.

Well, nothing to do now but to throw
Bilko out and order Monica back to work.

Let's go in.

Oh,

Emily, just in time to congratulate us.
Monica and I are going to Mexico to be

married to that lady.

Yes, and for me, I owe it all to you.

You're fired again.

I would never do so. I'm retiring to
handle Monica's business.

J .P., be a good scout. As a wedding
present, sign this new contract with the

few increases that I suggested.

Thank you, Mr. Allen.

$400 ,000 a picture now. Wait.

Should we go to MGM or form our own?

Okay, okay.

You win. Where should we go, dear? The
Riviera?

Mexico City? Fun, fun, fun.

There you are.

Thank you, J .P. Here you are, my dear.
That's yours. I told you to play ball

with me another moment. It'll be worth
your while, didn't I? Thank you.

Goodbye, Monica. It's been nice knowing
you. What is this? Don't you get it, J

.P.? He's our foxist. A fox, do you? How
could I? I'm just a shy soldier boy.

Gee willikers, wait till I tell Mom
about this.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Julie
Wilson as Monica Malabar.

Leon Velasco as Emil Petrov. Sidney
Smith as J .P. Frank Maxwell as Smitty.

Nick Saunders as Captain Barker.

Now stay tuned for the monsters.