All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e13_bilkos_giveaway

33, 34, 35.

Well, it's not a fortune, but it'll do.

Ernie, be practical. How are we going to
get by in Hollywood for three days and

only $35?

Because I know Hollywood. It's a big,
open -hearted city that can't do enough

for a G .I. on leave.

And the women, oh, they're so sweet and
generous.

Oh, I could tell you a story.

Never mind.

Oh, come on, Sarge, get out.

Yes, gentlemen.

During the last war, this G .I. came to
Hollywood on leave. Right at the

station. I mean, but not a block away.

Right at the station sits this famous
movie star in her beautiful convertible,

picks them up, gives them a lift. Sarge,
who are she?

Please, no names?

You can understand. Yeah, we know. A few
minutes later, the same G .I. is with

the star at Macabre Dance. And the wine
is popping, and the porcs are flying,

and who's paying the check? The
management is signing the chit -chat.

Hey, Sarge, do we know this soldier?

You know him. You know him.

May I tell you what happened?

Swimming in Malibu. Midnight swimming.

Back to a penthouse apartment.

Overlooking Sunset Boulevard.

What are you doing?

You want to hear the story?

The next boy in the same GI is at the
MGM commissary.

Surrounded by starlets, redheads,
brunettes, blondes. Kissing them babes

another. One babe.

Sarge, you must have had a ball, huh?

Me? I wasn't there.

Who was the soldier?

Jimmy Stewart.

If you're going for a minute, you've got
to admit that.

Come on, let's go see if the dining
car's over. Where you going? Where you

going? Have you forgotten we got a
budget to live up to?

But, Sarge, I'm hungry.

Well, how are we going to have fun in
Hollywood if you want to have the bare

necessities? Sarge, you said you were
going to try and win some donut poker

game. With who? Who am I going to play
with? The engineer? The conductor?

Usually on this train, there's a
traveling salesman. Here, nothing.

All right, Porter, I'll take it from
here. Yes, sir. Oh, here you are. Now,

uh... There you are. And don't spit it
all in the same place now. Thank you,

sir.

Well, hello there.

Hello, doughboy.

Do you have the time, sir? I sure have.
It's 7 .30 and all's well.

My name is Ernest Bilko.

Simpson's the name. Men's shoes is my
name. Oh, a traveling salesman says that

is a fascinating business. I like it
fine. I sell shoes and I get a big boot

of it.

Shoes, boot, you get it?

I never heard that.

I got a friend in ladies' shoes.

And it's killing his feet.

That's funny. Friendly lady's shoes
killing his feet.

You going to take them, Ernie? Are you
kidding me? In a half hour, I'll have

this Patsy's bankroll plus a year's
supply of moccasins.

Oh, Mr. Patsy.

Mr. Simpson.

You didn't tell us. Leave me alone. Will
you leave me alone? Well, what

happened, sir?

That's the same old story. Gullible
soldier beats city slicker.

What do we do in fabulous Hollywood
without money? All right, Rocco. Stop

the gruggies. I'm thinking.

I don't know about the rest of you
fellas, but Jimmy Stewart shouldn't have

trouble. All right, all right. Cut it
out.

We're in a crisis here.

I got a buck and a quarter of change.
What do you got?

90 cents.

All right, Rocco. We're pooling our
resources. What do you got? I ain't got

cent. A dollar and 15 cents.

Pretty shovel pool.

Well, we got a thing like this. We're
stranded in Hollywood. He's combing his

hair. Don't cost me nothing to look
neat.

That's all I needed.

What's the matter with you? Your voice.

What is it, Sarge? Wallet. A big fat
wallet.

What a brace. Will you keep your voice
down? Is there anybody who can see me

pick it up? I don't think so. A wallet.
Wallet. Read a wallet.

All right. Just act nonchalant like
nothing happened.

You see a policeman, don't panic. Don't
run.

Sarge, there's a policeman over there.
Come on. Take it easy.

Hello. How are you? Have a nice trip.

Just follow me. Just act nonchalant like
nothing happened. Just walk casually.

How are you? You know what? You know
now.

I don't know. I don't know. Count, will
you, Sarge?

It's me.

Me, boys. I'll have a slot of Mandy.

Shut up, Randy. This is my first time
and I'm rather excited.

How about you, boys? I'll have the same.

Great, Randy. Swell. Ernie.

He's out of sight. Where's the waiter?
He just went behind the bar. Behind the

bar. Now we can examine the banana.

Oh,

it is fat.

Oh, it is fat.

I hope there's no thousand dollar bills
in here. They're so tough to cash. We'll

start counting already. Easy.

This is a treasured moment. We must
cherish it.

Ross retained the corporal Rocco
Barbella.

It must have fallen out of my pocket
when I took out my comb.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him.

We're the worst fixer we were before.

Up to two dollars, soldier.

I see. Well, may I have your pencil,
please?

Thank you very much.

There you are, my man.

Thanks for your autograph, sir. Now,
what about the two bucks?

My credit isn't any good.

Why, of course not, sir.

I'm merely suggesting you pay me the two
bucks or I'll call the MPs. I'll call

it. He's got a big name. Call the MPs.
What do you hear?

There you are.

Fifteen cents is out. Go on.

Thanks, Diamond Jim.

A glamorous filled cup of little oil.

And we got 15 cents between us.

What are you thinking, Ernie?

I'm thinking I wish this was iodine.

It is iodine.

This is KLAT Los Angeles.

Television. That's all we need. We could
have stayed in a camp and watched

television. And now it's time to play
America's number one afternoon quiz

A prize for the wise.

And here's your genial master of
ceremonies, Bud Burt.

Come on, let's get out of here. I
haven't finished my drink yet.

And here's our first contestant. What's
your name, sailor? Fred Johnson.

Uh -huh. Are you a seaman first class?

My wife thinks so.

All right. Well, now, Fred, for $500,
who was the 16th president of the United

States? You have 30 seconds.

Big deal.

Abraham.

Any child could answer that question. Is
the Joker going to get $500?

Could have been you, Ernie, just as
easily.

You heard me answer it.

Say. Will you turn on that television
set, please? We're trying to talk here.

You thought of something, huh, Sarge? So
obvious, I couldn't see it. A quiz

program. You're warning? Why not? You've
seen those quiz shows. They always like

to have G .I. contestants.

You just played a joker. I answered the
question. We could have won $500.

Sarge, is there another quiz show on the
air this afternoon?

You're kidding me like trains. There's
one every hour on the air. Let's get

to that TV station.

Pick up your wallet, you... Back to the
Phil Silver Show.

Did you get the changes in the opening
announcement?

Yeah, go ahead. Fine, good.

You ready for today's contestants, Mr.
Morton? Yes, we'll need four of them.

might as well let them in.

Okay, Jim, open the chute. All right,
now, folks, take...

Will you be

quiet, please, and give this gentleman a
chance to have an unbiased opinion,

please?

I've got him quiet now, sir. Take me,
take me, Mr. Producer. I need the money.

She needs the money.

Watch that leg, baby.

Take my Rommel. He's a regular genius.

Take me, take me. I'm a friend of Aunt
Lincoln.

You know what happens to them. Greed
turns them into animals.

Your face is familiar. Did I fight
alongside of you at Guadalcanal?

Do you remember me at all?

This lady back here. Oh, you, dear. Will
you come back and see Sweet?

Where are you from?

I'm from Cucamonga.

She's a good type, Tom. Would you step
right over here? I like that choice.

Thank you very much.

They do like it when they hear the
city's effeminate.

All right, where are you from, sir?

I'm from Brooklyn. That always gets a
big hand.

You, sir?

What do you do?

I'm a wine taster. Oh, wine taster.
Well, that's good. We'll tie him up with

lady from Cucamonga. That's a good
choice. Oh, I forgot to tell you, sir.

see, before I joined the army, I was
quite a character myself, you see. I

to be a pearl diver. I have experience,
mister. I was one of the...

Hey, lady, do you mind? How can a man
think you're jabbering in his head? Give

him a chance. Where is that little boy?
It's a little boy. Go, Ronald. Go.

Oh, how old are you, son?

He's ten years old. Oh, bless our
hearts. She doesn't understand that this

adult quiz. Some other time. We'll make
the kid the third contestant. Oh, swell.

We'll make a good team.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you, Sailor. Come right in, Sailor.
Where are you from?

Shucks. I'm just a farm boy from back
home in Indiana.

How good.

Well, Sailor, you're it. So you can find
it.

All right, folks. That's all. All right,
folks.

That's all.

You better get set up. We're on the air
in 15 minutes. All right, wait. Could

you step this way, please?

Hey,

you better put me down. You'll want it
back on your ship. By who?

Rear Admiral Vilko.

It's four o 'clock and time for
America's number one afternoon quiz

Stranger. Now we'd like you to meet your
genial master of ceremonies, Harry

Harris.

Thank you, thank you, you nice people.
You know, an unusual thing happened to

walking to the studio today.

Really, what happened? Funny, you should
ask. A man rushed up to me. He said,

Mr., I ain't had a bite in five days.

So I bit him.

Well, I take care of the funny stuff.
And now let's play the game.

In just a few seconds, two people who
have never met are going to pool their

knowledge to try and win up to $250 ,000
in prizes.

How's that for entertainment?

Martin, I can't find the sailor
anywhere. He's disappeared. Oh, no.

Well, get another serviceman as quick as
you can. Hi there.

Okay, Big Mouth, you win.

Well... You mean I got a chemo with him?

That's right. We're dead, Mom. Oh, don't
worry, Sonny. I'll do all right.

Sure you'll do all right. The category
is pool rooms. Ronald. Where is his

daddy? Hiding?

All right, Bob. How about our first team
of lucky strangers?

All right, Harry. From Pasadena,
California, we have Ronald Strobe.

teamed up with Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko.
How do you do, Mr. Harris?

I'm a great admirer of this show, and
I'm so happy to be here. Which is the

camera we look at?

The one right there.

You see, I'm from Camp Fremont, you
know. Good, good.

A lot of my buddies may be watching the
show. Do you mind if I say hello to

them? No, go right ahead. How are you,
fellas out there?

Give my love to the Kano.

And how are you?

He's a little shy. Speak right outside.

I am not. He's not shy. He's one of
those bright little boys.

You can start any time you want, Mr.
Harris. We're ready.

Your first question has to do with outer
space.

For your first group of prizes, tell us,
what is the speed of light?

What is the speed of light?

What is the speed of light? What is the
speed of light?

Would you mind repeating that question,
please? The speed of light is... What is

that? The question is, what is the speed
of light? The speed of light is 186

,000 miles per second. That's absolutely
right!

I'm ready for your next question. Please
take me out, I'll be Reynolds.

It has to do with military history.
Military history.

Pay attention, Reynolds.

All right. For an additional two...
Right in the center, that's it. For an

additional $2 ,000 in prizes, tell me,
on what date did the Battle of

begin? The Battle of Gettysburg. What
date? What date? The Battle of...

No.

1800... The Battle of Gettys... The
Battle of... Gettysburg. Battle of

Gettysburg. Battle of Gettysburg started
on July 1st, 1863.

That's absolutely right.

July 1st, 1863.

Oh, the little boy.

Oh,

take it. Hear that bell, little
stranger? What is that? That means that

absolutely eligible for the big jackpot
question worth an additional $25 ,000 in

prizes.

Are you ready?

Just a minute. Are you ready, Ronald? Do
you want a glass of water or something?

Why don't you answer me? Did you lose
your voice? No. He's all right. We're

ready.

Now, for the big jackpot question.

The subject is chemistry.

Chemistry. We know all about chemistry,
don't we, Ronald? Pay attention now,

son. All right, listen closely.

What is the correct weight in grams of
silicon tetrafluoride?

Silicon tetrafluoride.

Silicon tetrafluoride. You have ten
seconds. Please, please give him a

Can we come back next week?

There's no pressure.

She's going to get... Has a weight of...
Has a weight of... Come, come, son.

You have five seconds. Don't, don't.
He's a little boy and you're pushing.

No, that's sulfur dioxide.

You pushed him into sub -light. That's
it.

Contains fluoride. 4 .684 grams per
liter.

406 grams per liter.

That's right.

I see it.

Target,

perhaps you'd like to know what your
prizes are. Oh, yes.

For answering the super -duper jackpot
question, you win a prefabricated summer

bungalow complete with wall -to -wall
linoleum. And? A 15 -cubic -foot

refrigerator that makes up to 3 ,000 ice
cubes at a time.

And? A brand -new electric typewriter.

And? A complete set of the Encyclopedia
Britannica. And? And I'm getting a

headache. Thousands of dollars worth of
loot, not one cent of cash.

Let's get a load of all this loot.

It wasn't easy standing up there under
those hot lights, racking that kid's

brains.

Hey, what?

Hey, Belko, what's going on here? I
thought I told you to get rid of this

Yes, sir. Well, see that you do. Yes,
oh, sir, I was just wondering, wouldn't

Mrs. Hall like to have a brand new
electric dishwasher, sir?

Why, yes, Belko, I'm sure she would. And
I was wondering about that old

-fashioned carpet sweeper she has. Don't
you think a vacuum cleaner would make a

housework much easier, sir?

I guess it would.

Well, consider it done.

Thank you, Bilko. Don't mention it, sir.

I'll see that you get a nice discount.

Bilko!

Yes, sir. This is an army installation,
not a people's basement?

Yes, sir.

Well, the homeless had a sale there for
a minute. Hey, sir.

What? A special delivery letter for you.
Okay, Rocco, look.

Line up a truck to the back of the
barracks, put all the stuff on it, and

it. Right. What are you going to do with
it, sir? What am I going to do with it?

I'm going to try to sell it. If I get a
third of its value, that'll be at least

$5 ,000.

You got to think ahead.

Oh, no.

What is it, Annie?

I owe $6 ,000 in taxes.

Come on, David. You help me load this
up. You know what we'll do? If we work

hard the next few days, I may wind up
even and stay out of jail. Hey, Sarge.

Sarge, you have to sell everything that
you want. Everything, everything. Get it

on the truck. Come on.

Look, those electrics.

Do they sell for retail?

Oh, gee, Sarge. Just when I got attached
to them. Well, we may do this, buddy. I

may have to sell them as a team.

All right, friends, you say you're not
satisfied.

You say you want more money.

Tell you what I'm going to do. What each
and every sale of household appliances,

I'm giving away absolutely free of
charge, an expensive gift.

Hey, mister, you got an electric stove?
We say we have, and we're selling them

at $100 under cost. Just step around to
the front of our mobile department.

I... Rocco!

I raise you $5, okay? I

see you with this portable griddle.

I'll raise you with this electric
toaster.

That's what we're doing. We're playing
for money.

Come on, Kennedy, let's get out of here.
Yeah, if you ain't got cash, no game.

All right.

With each article, I'll throw in a green
stamp.

Got nothing but trouble with the
government. Trouble with the colonel.

Sergeant Belko right here.

Thank you, Flashman.

That's the way Benedict Arnold started.

I'm from the Treasury Department.

All right, all right. You're looking for
that $6 ,000 in taxes? I haven't got

it. I may give all this stuff away. I'm
afraid that doesn't change things. You

still have to pay the tax on it. What
about the quiz show? They give stuff

Oh, it's a different thing. They're
authorized to do that.

Oh, well, what do you want me to do?

Well, I don't know. That's your problem,
Bilko. Maybe you should start your own

quiz show. All I can do is just carry
on. Thank you.

For being such a good sport, this is
electric waffle iron.

What's the idea? You thanked him like he
just gave you a refund. He did better

than that. He gave me a great idea.

You know how they always like soldiers
on those quiz shows? I'm going to start

an all -GI quiz show right here in Grove
City.

But, Sarge, if you give all the stuff
away, how's the show going to last? You

don't understand.

All those contestants they use on the
quiz show, they're all smart.

I'm going to see we have dumb ones like
Mullen, Ritzig. Sarge!

And say hello to the Charles Van Dorn of
the Stoney.

All right, let's rehearse. Now, don't
give me the answers too quick. You don't

want to even build up the suspense.

All right, here we go.

Sir, for your next question, you must
spell soup.

S -O -U -P. No, no.

S -O -O -P. No, S -O -U -P is right.

But don't give me the answers so quick.
Start a little. Act it out a little.

Okay, try again.

Your next word is consomme.

Consomme. C -O -N -Z -H.

That's good. Good.

Good, good. Now, that's acting.

Who's acting?

I don't know.

You want to try another category?

Nothing to do, Bilko.

Spelling is my best subject.

Bilko? Hi.

How's the GI Queer Show coming? Well, we
should have a sponsor in no time, sir.

Remember, Bilko, remember.

We want the show to be completely on the
up and up. Oh, you don't have to say

that to me. Back at the camp, they
called me Mr.

Integrity. All right, Bilko. I just came
in to wish you good luck for tonight.

I'll be watching you. Thank you. Thank
you very much.

What's this?

Just loosening up my voice a little,
sir.

Billy, you're nasty. You're not a
singer. What is this?

Why are we all standing around for?
We're out in 15 minutes. Come on, get

here.

And clean them up. Remember, we're going
into people's living rooms.

Right here, Sarge. I did just what you
told me. The first two ones are easy,

last ones are toughy. That's when we get
rid of them. Yeah, right. Because we've

got to make these prizes last until we
get a sponsor.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and
welcome to America's newest and most

exciting quiz game.

And here to tell you more about it is
your G .I. Quizmaster, energetic,

effervescent Sergeant Ernie Vilko.

Hello. What do you think happened to me
on my way to the studio? A panhandler

stopped me and said, sir, may I have
$300 for a cup of coffee? I said, my

man, coffee is only a dime. How come you
need $300?

Well, he said, well, you see, I like to
have my coffee at drive -in restaurants,

and I haven't got a car.

But for the comedy, and now for
television's most exciting quiz game,

you can.

Fabs, who is our first contestant?

I do that.

What is your name, sir?

Dwayne Doberman. Ah, Mr. Doberman, may I
ask, what is your profession?

I'm an atomic scientist attached to the
army.

Splendid. Splendid, I should have
guessed that. You have that bright and

tenacious look of the man of the future.

Tell me, Dr. Doberman, what is your
category?

Comic book.

scientific manuals of your high
profession.

Babs, please press number 11, please. In
a moment, Dr. Doberman, we will have

your first question.

Come, Babs. Thank you very much, dear.

All right, Dr. Doberman, for your first
question on comic books.

There is a famous married couple in the
comic strips.

Her name is Maggie. Tell me, what is her
husband's name?

Jiggs. You're off to a great start.

And now for your second question.

There is a famous comic strip with two
partners in it. One partner's name is

Mutt. What is the other's name?

Jeff. Absolutely right.

And now for your next question, which
includes $1 ,000 in valuable prizes, we

over and meet MP Sergeant Kennedy.

I have a $1 ,000 question for you.

Thank you. And now, Dr. Doberman, think
carefully. This is worth $1 ,000 in

prizes.

Captain Dan, spaceman, has an
interplanetary rocket ship. What is the

number of its atomic engine?

Three X dash, 066, 05, 0222. You only
have 36.

066, 05, 0222.

That's right.

Who knew he'd know the answer to such a
tough question?

Well, if he answers any more of them big
questions, we are out of business. I

know, I know.

Hey, Sarge, did I do good? You did too
good. Who gave you the answer?

Nobody. I've been studying. You don't.

Bilko, who was that last contestant? He
was sensational.

He made the show.

Oh, there you are, my boy. You're
wonderful.

Wonderful. Doberman? Yes, Bilko. The
switchboard lit up like a Christmas

And look at these wires. The comments
are all the same. Lovable, warm

fascinating contestant. Oh, you're
wonderful, my boy.

Doberman? Yes, Bilko. If he stays on the
show for, say, four or five weeks, our

rating will be tremendous.

And we'll have a sponsor.

Oh, you're a natural, my boy. Yes, he
is. I knew that.

You figure things out.

Oh, Dolman, sit down. I want to talk to
you. I think not, Sarge.

It's been such a hard night.

Big television stars you don't drag.

He may be the makings of us yet.

We'll let him stay on as long as the
public wants him. But, Ernie, are you

he'll know the answers?

He'll know.

If you identify this correctly, you will
win prizes totaling $15 ,000. Can you

identify that picture, Dwayne Doverman?
I think it's Little Orphan Annie as a

baby. Just a moment. You've answered a
question with a question. I must have a

more definite answer.

Little Orphan Annie.

That's it.

Congratulations.

You have won prizes totaling $15 ,000.
The next week, you'll come back and try

for $25 ,000.

I won't be back. He won't.

The method of spraying has been too
great.

He won't be back.

I'm going to quit and donate my winnings
to the Grove City Community Chest. But,

Dwayne, you've got it next week. Please,
I'm not finished.

And I want to thank loyal Doberman fans
everywhere.

And especially Sergeant Ernie Vilko, who
helped me with the answer.

Texas District Attorney. I'm glad that's
over with. Yeah, now we're right back

where we started. No money, no
merchandise.

Let there be a lesson to you. You get
nothing for nothing.

Let's have a cup of coffee.

Congratulations,

you lucky fellow.

What? For being the one millionth
customer at the LaSalle cafeteria.

One million? That's right. You win a
color television set, a combination

dryer, a complete set of golf glasses.

It's your headache.

Come on.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Frank
Albertson as the producer, Maury

Amsterdam as Harry Harris, Joey Trent as
Ronald, Joey Ross as Sergeant Ritzig,

Larry Fletcher as Hawkins, Matt Crowley
as the salesman, Dick Noel as Bud Burt,

and Ken Kanopka as the waiter.