Original subtitles

Well, how did we do so far?

In the week since the colonel has been gone, we've grossed $128.

Give me a break, Tom.

Poker game's $54.

Good. The bilko you drive rent the jeep service $21.

How did we do in the Cha -Cha -Cha festival?

We took him 55 cents.

That activity will discontinue. Onward.

Recent colonel's staff car, $19. Wait a minute.

$19? Is that...

Are you sure the meter was working?

Captain Barker used the car three times last week on official business. Official

business? Why do you stand for that nonsense? How many times have I told

Make a stand.

Gee, Ernie, I tried that. Never mind. I'll see the captain myself.

Don't forget, Ernie. The colonel left Captain Barker in charge of the camp

he's gone. What has that got to do with me? I'm sorry, Ernie. The uniform fools

me. I keep thinking you're one of us.

I'm sure.

I've got a system that can't miss. What can't miss? My roulette system. It's

foolproof, Bilko. You know, I said to myself the other day, Rupert, I said, if

anybody ever comes up with a foolproof system, it'll be Rupert Ritchie.

Get the roulette, really. I've got it figured out scientifically.

You want to hear how it works? Rupert, any time. I haven't got time to listen

the fine, scientific mind such as yours. That'll be the day.

Hey, you're not going to steal this from me, are you, Bilko? Oh, I give you my

word of honor.

Never mind that stuff.

I want you to promise. I promise.

It was a little complicated.

You'll have to try and follow me. I'll try. Do you know anything at all about

the science of astrology?

Slightly. Slightly.

Now,

my entire system is based on the scientific facts contained in this

Gypsy horoscopes and what numbers to play.

I was born under the sign of Sagittarius.

My wife is Scorpio. Yes?

Sagittarius has 11 letters in it.

Scorpio has 7. Say that's right. Therefore, the key numbers seem to be 11

Ah, that's the number you're playing a little ball for. Wait just a moment.

Now, what's the number of my house?

117. Uh -huh.

Notice the recurrence of those digits, 11 and 7.

Say, that's good. You're playing 11 and 7. Put your money on it. No, not quite.

We have to take into consideration the time of the day. Oh, I see. See, to

arrive at the proper number, we divide the time of the day into one -seventeen.

I see. For instance, now it's exactly four o 'clock. The nearest division four

into one -seventeen is twenty -nine. Give me a number. It's twenty -nine, the

little bald sphinx. I bet you the twenty -nine is the number. Put it up.

I'm not finished yet. And besides, I'm broke.

What?

You have no intellectual curiosity.

Get out of here with the astrology, with the scientific topics.

Did you ever?

He sure is a dilly. I got to run over to Captain Barker's office and get these

passes okayed. He already got four this week. In his condition, he doesn't know

what's happening.

Captain Barker speaking.

Who?

General Noonan here.

He wants to see the acting commander.

What does he want with me?

Why doesn't he go to regular duty?

Hey, Schatz!

What's your name, Captain?

Barker, sir. Stand easy, Barker. I am assuming command of this post. Yes, sir.

sort of expected that. Am I confined to quarters, sir? What the devil are you

talking about? I'll need your help. Yes, sir.

I'm sure between the two of us we can handle him, sir.

Are you feeling all right, Captain?

Yes, sir. Good.

Now then, I want to see Sergeant...

Ritzig, Grover, and Bilko.

Yes, sir, but why the others? Bilko is the ringleader.

He's having a meeting with me on a secret assignment at Yucca Flats. We'll

leaving tomorrow at the... What do you mean, Bilko's the ringleader?

Oh, I mean, sir, he's the ranking NCO.

I'll alert them immediately, sir.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, Captain Barker. Would you sign these papers, please? No use

looking at them. I'd draw them all over him. How are you? I feel like...

Bilko, I want you and your platoon to be ready to go in three hours.

Yes, sir.

Go where, may I ask, sir? You have been chosen to participate in Operation K .O.

We'll be testing the effect of nuclear reactors on tanks.

Very good, sir. May I ask, sir?

How long will be gone from the camp, sir? About a week or ten days.

Very good, sir. I was... Sorry, sir. What's wrong,

Sergeant? It's a bronchial condition I have, so it always acts up when I'm

to travel. It's... Your help is not good. I am certainly not going

to insist on your going to Yucca Flat.

Thank you very much, sir. That's most considerate of you, sir.

Yucca Black, sir. Isn't that right near Las Vegas, sir? Yes, why?

Well, I was just thinking that dry desert air would do wonders for my

sir. Yucca, these tests are important, but I am not going to risk the health of

even one of our soldiers. Sir, I know how important these tests are to our

national security, and I'd be shirking my duty as a patriotic soldier if I

didn't go along with you to Las Vegas.

Which one of these eye shades do you want? Both of them. I may be gambling

and night.

I couldn't believe it. What do you mean? Well, it's like sending a Mohammedan on

a free trip to Mecca. Which bathing suit?

The blue one.

You're taking a bathing suit, sir? Why not? They may be gambling outdoors.

One never knows.

Look, I've got a good idea. How about you and me go partners on the roulette

tables? I've got a better idea. How about you get them out of here? Okay,

you'll be sorry.

After all, my system is based on astrology, and the stars know more than

They do?

Well, figure it out for yourself.

We've been around 40 years. In the stars, they've been around maybe 240.

Well,

you're all back, Sarge. All set, all right. Line up the platoon. I want to

to them. For a briefing?

No, no, for a slight touch. I want to hit those gambling casinos with at least

$300. Come on.

Sarge! Oh, leave him alone.

Oh, yeah, that's it. For God's... How do I look, Sarge? Splendid. Splendid. You

look like a true Hollywood version of the United States soldier. You'd be a

credit to any John Wayne movie. All right, do it now.

Scram.

Scram? Scram, we say to a fellow soldier?

Indeed. We say scram to a soldier who's about to loan his sergeant his last $50.

But, Sarge, I'm broke.

Yeah, Doberman, I happen to know you had $50 yesterday.

Yes, but I had dinner in Grove City last night.

Now, Sarge? I think so.

Only two more hours and we're off. Besides, you think we'll be able to get

Las Vegas? Are you kidding? In two hours, we'll be surrounded by a bevy of

beautiful showgirls.

Do you see any beautiful showgirls yet?

No, but he was half right. We're surrounded.

Stay off, you guys, will you?

Las Vegas is only 40 miles away. It might just as well be 4 ,000. Now, keep

quiet. I'll figure something to get us there. Come on, think.

Ernie, I got an idea. What?

What if the general got a telegram from the Pentagon ordering you to Las Vegas?

It's not a bad idea.

But tell me, who sends this telegram?

I do. Oh, you do.

How do you get out of here to send the telegram? Well, that's where you come

Me? What do you mean?

Well, you said you would think of something.

Just when I got you pegged as an ordinary dope, you come up with a flash

stupidity.

Did you guys figure out a way how to get out of here yet? No, but we're working

on it. We got two and a half brains working on it.

What do you got there?

Oh, I got to bring some lunch over to some big shot fry that's over at the

Bilko, think of a way to get me to Las Vegas.

Look, suppose we put you in an atomic cannon and shoot you into Vegas.

Not a bad idea, Bilko. But how can I be sure that there'll be a net there

waiting to catch me?

Don't worry, Rupert. Wherever you go, there'll be somebody waiting with an X.

What is the purpose of this procedure, Professor von Zimmer?

Well, Professor Flander, in this age of missiles and rockets, the army is using

many, many different kinds of materials.

Now, the problem has been to make all these incompatible materials unite

the use...

of a magnetic force.

And you think this magnetizer that you've developed can do this? Oh,

Whatever passes between this electrode and this electrode becomes a magnet.

Even a living thing.

A living thing?

Watch.

My hand is now completely electromagnetized.

It will attract anything.

Observe.

This fountain pen.

This glass.

This screwdriver.

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

But how long can your hand remain magnetized? Oh, indefinitely.

Unless it is neutralized with alcohol.

Alcohol may also be taken internally for the same effect.

Alcohol will remove the magnetic effect.

Oh, yes, yes.

You see?

Nothing happens. It's simply fantastic.

Now... If you'll just come this way, I'd like to show you what we're doing in

the field of thermonuclear dynamics.

Professor Badziba!

What?

What?

Professor Badziba!

I might believe you.

I think I blew a fuse.

I'd better get out of here.

in Las Vegas.

But, Ernie, the general said absolutely no passing. I heard him. I heard him.

They got two MPs at every gate. I saw them. I saw them. So give up.

I can't give up.

The clicking keeps me up at night. What clicking? The clicking of the dice. The

clicking of the high EFM. The ideas.

Take it easy, Ernie. Rock, have you seen a lot of those bad movies in the prison

pictures? How do they make a break for it?

Well... Oh, I saw one the other night. See, these two guys went out to escape

they hid in a laundry truck and they went right past the guards.

Laundry truck?

Not bad.

We'll try it. But Ernie, this place hasn't got a laundry truck. No, but

got a garbage truck, haven't they? A garbage truck? Look, we don't want to

to Vegas that bad, do we? Of course not. But I know somebody who does.

Ritzig. Of course. Now you think it. But wait a minute, Ernie. I don't get it.

How is this going to get us to Vegas? Look, Ritzig goes AWOL. It's only fair

the general to send his best friends to bring him back, huh? What makes you

think Ritzig will go for it? The minute he thinks we're going to do it, he'll

try to do it first.

Who is it?

It's me, fellas.

Ritzig. Perfect. It saves me the long walk through the kitchen. Now, you know

what to do.

What is it, Riddick? We're busy.

I've got to show you something. All right. Well, make a snap because we're

busy. Look at this.

What is it? This is a wire cutter.

Snip, snip, and I'm outside.

Oh, swell.

Snip, snip, and you're outside. And once you're outside, bang, bang, and you're

dead.

They got guns? Of course. Now, look.

If you want to make your wife happy, don't let us stop you. But leave us

now. We're very busy discussing something very important.

Now, listen.

We'll... Hey, you got a plan to go? Well...

No, no, we have no plan.

All right.

I'll see you around, fellas.

So long. So long. So long. So long, Rope. So long.

Boy, that was close.

I hope he didn't figure it out, Sarge. I hope not, Rocco.

What time does a garbage truck leave in the morning? About seven.

Good. They'd never think anybody would hitch a ride to Las Vegas covered with

garbage.

I'm sorry to report, but Sergeant Rittig is missing, sir. Oh,

then you know about his amnesia, sir. His what?

Yes, sir. Amnesia resulted from a head wound he received in Guadalcanal, sir.

Oh, I didn't know. Yes, and every time he gets an attack, it wipes out the past

15 years and reverts to being what he was before he joined the army, sir. What

was he? A garbage man, sir.

That explains it.

I'm sending the MPs to bring him back. Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't do that,

sir. Why not? Well, the sight of any unfriendly faces might cause the shock

result in permanent loss of memory, sir. You see, in the past... It was always I

who went and brought it back, sir. You?

Oh, yes, sir. You can call Colonel Hall at Camp Fremont, sir. He'll verify it,

sir. Colonel Hall's on leave. Oh, darn. I forgot that.

Very well. Go, go. Go get it.

If you're not back in three hours, I'll have the MPs out after book.

Sergeant Frank, you don't understand.

This is my Disneyland.

What about Richard? We'll find him later. Right now, let's get the feel of

place.

Hey, kid.

Yeah? How did you do in there?

It's a nice place. Sure, they give you free drinks, everything. No, kid, here.

Oh,

here. Get yourself some cigarettes.

We're not doing so well, huh, Sarge? I'm just warming up. That downtown, that's

sick of me. This is it. The big league.

I'll fracture him. Come on.

Coming up.

Four's the point. Shooting for the four. Come on. Come on. Little joke. Ha!

Seven, the loser.

Well, we've almost used up the time we had to get Ritzig back, and we've lost

$200. All right, don't remind me. Don't remind me. We'd better find Ritzig and

get back to camp.

Look, we've got $5 left. I'm desperate. Why don't we play?

Blackjack. Blackjack? I'm not that desperate.

I'm winning. My system works. You mean that crazy business with the astrology

works? Yeah.

Come here. Come here.

Place your bets, please.

I'm telling you, I've won eight out of ten so far. It's like that little white

ball is following me around.

Eight out of ten? Yeah.

Thirty -five to one? Yeah. You must be rich. Yeah. You must be winning. Two

hundred and eighty dollars.

What are you betting? Dollar bills?

Yeah. Did you ever hear of twenty dollar bills? Plenty dollar bills.

Let me see. I've got to figure it out. What time is it?

It's five o 'clock. Five o 'clock. How much do you weigh?

170 pounds. 170 divided by 5. That's 34.

34. No, no, I'm not through yet. Now, what month were you bought in?

February. February. That's the second month.

34 divided by February.

17. 17. 17. 17.

17.

17. 17. 17. 17.

17. 17.

17. 17. 17.

17.

17. 17. 17. 17. 17.

17. 17.

17.

17.

That's Taurus the bull. Good.

That's one, two, three, four, five, six.

Twenty -three. Twenty -three. Two hundred dollars. Twenty -three.

Twenty -three comes up. How much do we win?

How much?

How much? How much? Seven thousand dollars. Seven thousand dollars. Twenty

-three. Twenty -three.

Let's go, boys.

Here. Here.

Who do you think you're manhandling? Don't give us no trouble, Ducal. What

battalion are you with? I may buy them and have you fired.

You'll have a nervous breakdown. I don't care. I gotta realize my life's

ambition. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted a million dollars. Well, you keep

your voice down, you'll wake him up. That's right. You're right. The genius

gotta get his rest. Hey, Bill, come on. It's a baby.

Can I have some milk, a cup of tea?

I can't sleep. Can I go back to my old bum?

But you gotta sleep. You gotta get your rest. If you don't get your rest, you're

liable to get sick, and then what'll we do?

We'll have to take him to a hospital. That's what we'll do.

Gotta get a hold of a stretcher and a blanket. Get some white sheets. Tear

up.

my patient. Yes, doctor. You'll pass, please. Oh, we have no time for that

nonsense. This man is in critical condition. I'm rushing him to the

an emergency.

Locobotomy. Now, let us through. Who is here?

Don't touch him. If your hand touched him, I would have to put that hand in

quarantine for 30 days. Let us through, please. Sorry, doctor. General Noonan's

orders. Orders?

This man is in pain.

Did the general order you to let an American soldier suffer?

Hey, Doc, I'll have to check with General Noonan first.

General Noonan at 1 o 'clock in the morning? If I know the General, he'll

you on K .P. for the rest of your life. What's going on here? Well, I...

you and Ritzing have to dig the last three feet yourself. Okay, you all set,

Ritzing? Right. Come on, Mom. Come on, Mom. Give me a hand.

Hold it.

I'll see if you can get some extra dough for this. Gee, thanks, Angel. Tell the

boss. What boss? John L. Lewis.

Yeah.

Guardhouse and throw away the key.

Now, we're only going to be here two more days. Two days, sir? That's right.

We'll start testing the tanks tomorrow.

We'll work the clock around so there'll be no time for nonsense.

Is that understood?

Yes, sir. That's more like it.

Dismissed. Thank you, sir.

Looks like we're cooked, Bilko. We'll never get to Vegas now. And me with my

perfect sister. I know, I know. Give me a chance to think. I gotta get to Vegas.

How? How? I don't know how. How?

They'll call you what? Lord!

wins. It's champagne for everybody.

How much did we win so far?

How much? How much?

$78 ,000.

Help yourself, folks. Help yourself.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ruben.

Drink up.

Oh, what's the matter?

I don't know. I feel funny like...

Like I got a shock.

Ah, you're not using a good champagne.

Wait a minute. What, what, what? What number? Same number. Same number.

Number 10. Number 10.

Come on. I got to rule this one out.

Here, here.

34. Right.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 34. What kind of a crooked wheel are you running

here? Take it easy, Bilko. I must have miscalculated. We'll double up and we'll

get it back on the next number. Are you sure, Rupert?

You're not going to fool our Pisces. Come on.

Number 10.

Place your bets, please.

Come on, kid.

Come on, kid. Hey, come on.

Hey.

33. What?

One number, Rupert. See, I don't know. Place your bets, please.

Try number 11.

Oh, come on, 11.

11. Watch, baby. 11.

Double zero.

That's us. Two big fat zeros.

All right, boys, let's go.

Oh, sure. Now you show up. Where were you two hours ago when we could have

you? Oh, we busted the... You and that stupid system of yours. Fortunately, I

was smart enough to hold out a hundred bucks. Come on. Just a minute, Sergeant.

Just a minute.

What is this? $98 .80 for what?

Champagne sport.

Everybody drinks, remember?

You're going to let the civilian molest your prisoner?

Get it up, Buster.

All right, here.

I got changed.

Captain Barker. Nelson Olmsted is the doctor.