All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s04e07_bilkos_big_woman_hunt

Hello, Golden Gate Savings Bank. I'd
like to speak to Miss Nancy Popotsky,

please. Yes, she's in the third cage, S
through Z.

I'll wait.

Hello, Miss Popovsky.

Hello, little pussycat.

This is your big bunny rabbit.

I just called up for a little kiss.

Oh, you got a customer?

Well, gee, Nancy, can't you go back in
the vault and kiss me from there?

Okay, I'll call back in about five
minutes.

Goodbye, little sponge cake.

over to us and we'll break down the
door.

Will you keep them quiet out there? I'm
trying to work. I can't figure out this

fourth race.

Sarge, they sure sound angry. What are
we going to do? Look, if they don't

me with the welfare fund, let somebody
else hold it.

Somebody else? Who?

Henshaw. Henshaw?

He's on our side. They'll never trust
him. Oh, yes, they will. After they see

the fight we're going to have in front
of the platoon. Fight? Yeah, it's all

arranged. See, Henshaw's going to come
in here. I'll insult him. He takes a

at me. And then he's their hero.

They trust them with anything,
especially the welfare fund.

Ernie? Don't say it, Rocco. That look of
worship in your eyes is all I have to

say.

The pencil should be here. Let him in.

All right.

Where's the money? Come on. What is
this?

What's up, though, Sarge?

Here's the dough. That's where it is.
Look, we're not late. If you don't mind,

Sarge, we'll keep it. Wait a minute. You
don't trust me? Give me one reason.

It's opening day at Santa Anita.

Good enough reason.

What other reason is that so? Santa
Anita opens. I mean... Santa Anita?

Wait a minute, isn't that the racetrack?
Yeah.

And you associated me with... You
thought that I would take your money?

Well,

if that's the way you fellas feel, I
want no more to do with you. Here, you

the money, Rocco. Just a moment.

That's like Jesse James giving it to his
brother Frank.

Oh,

hello there, Corporal Henshaw. Hi,
Ernie.

Hi, Ernie. What's that, hi, Ernie? Look,
I don't mind being a little democratic,

but is that the way you address a
superior in the United States Army? Hi,

Guys like you take advantage. First
thing you know, you'll be calling me Hi

Baldy. Hi -baldy?

You hate him? You hate him? Go call his
tars and talk. All right, you've been

asking for this. Forget these guys. Put
up your dukes and go get them.

What is it?

Money rabbits are fighting.

One guy is not going to keep the money.
Give it to me. Look who took me so many

times, he'll never get a penny out of
me. That's it.

You know you're going to hold the money?
Why don't you try?

That's the third deal that bunny rabbit
has lost up this week. Oh, take it easy,

Sarge. He's in love. About ever since he
hooked up with that dame, he's a

useless slob.

I'm going to give him one more chance.

We'll see how many tickets he sells for
my welcome Alaska into the union dance.

Sergeant Bilko reporting, sir. You sent
for me? Sergeant Bilko. How's the

business going?

Business? The colonel forgets I'm in the
Army. That's the only business I have,

sir. You're the one who forgets he's in
the Army. I'm talking about your

sideline. Sideline, sir? Yes, the United
States Army Rent -A -Car Service.

How much do you get a mile for renting
out my staff car, Bilko? Sir, it's a

vicious rumor. Someone is trying to
break up the deep bond of trust and

we've enjoyed. Well, whoever it is, he's
doing a pretty good job. In fact, he

broke up my marriage, too.

You mean you and Mrs. Hall, sir? Yes.

She happened to look in the staff car
this morning.

And she found this in the backseat.

Sir, one of my men used your staff car.
I'm sure he was on official business,

sir. Oh, official business.

Yes, sir. Oh, then this note on the
panda must be a coded message.

Really? From Bunny Wabbit to Pussycat.

Wabbit is struck again. I say it'll
never happen again, sir. I'll say it

From now on, that staff car will be
removed from the motor pool and kept in

garage. Yes, sir. And by the way,
Milken. Aye, Colonel.

Suppose you leave the welcoming of
Alaska to the United States Senate.

You mean I welcome Alaska into the
Union, Dan, sir? The dance, the recall,

everything. It's all out. Yes, sir.

Sir, if you hear a rifle shot, don't be
alarmed. There's a crazy bunny rabbit

around here causing a lot of trouble.

The fingerprints.

We must. I must thank you. This is the
way you repay me. After all the years I

spent training you, teaching you all the
tricks of the trade, this is the way

you repay me? Breaking up a financial
empire that took years of scheming and

conniving the bill?

I'm going to leave it all to you,
Henshaw.

But look, Ernie, I don't need it. I
found something more important. I found

something right here. Yeah, and I lost
something right in here.

Oh, good. Oh, good, Henshaw. Forget this
dame. Look, Ernie, I can't forget her.

This is the real thing. It was love at
first sight. Love at first sight. That's

right. Our eyes met and suddenly, I
don't know, there was a big explosion.

An explosion? Yeah.

There was no explosion. That was the
sound of your lip flipping.

All I want you to do is meet her. I know
you like her. Look, do me a favor. I

don't want to meet this dame. She's
causing enough trouble already.

But please, Sarge, you don't have to
talk to her. Just come down to the bank

where she works and look at her. I don't
want to... She works at a bank?

No. She's causing enough trouble. I
don't want to have anything to do with

Sarge, please, will you? I've told her
so much about you. Just have lunch with

us, will you, huh?

Okay. Sometimes I'm all hot. Gee,
thanks, Ernie. I'll go make the

at the Mark Hopkins Hotel. You'll love
Nancy. Gee, thanks, Ernie. What's with

this kid?

Hey,

Todd. Todd, that was very nice of you to
agree to meet Henshaw's girl. Made him

very happy. Oh, I'm going to make him
even happier.

Years later, when he's a contended old
bachelor, he'll thank me.

You're going to break it up?

Of course I am.

He told her all about me. Now I'll tell
her all about him. Well, what's to tell?

Everybody likes Henshaw. Oh, no.
Everybody loves Henshaw. The waitresses,

wax, the nices, they all love her. You
know, shy little Henshaw?

I'll tell this man the truth about him.
What truth?

I don't know. I'll make it up on a bus.
Come on.

minute. I guess Nancy got tied up at the
bank. Yeah, she's probably busy rolling

pennies so that Henshaw can pick them.

Hey, ain't this a romantic spot, Ernie?
That view and everything?

Sarge, I bet you this is where it
happened.

What happened? You know, Nancy and
Henshaw first met and then the

don't you knock it off? That only
happens in a movie. In real life, a guy

a girl, they go steady for a while, then
they get married and settle down, and

one night the poor soul comes home late
and that's when the explosion happens.

Hey, here comes Henshaw.

She's gone.

Who? Who's gone? Nancy's gone. I went
down to the bank to pick her up, but her

cage was empty. Cage was empty? She's
gone.

I don't know where she went. Where did
she go?

Excuse me.

What happened? What happened? She left
me this note.

Henshaw!

Where's the note set?

Here, Corporal Henshaw.

Although I think you're one of the
nicest boys I ever met, I have decided

return to Chicago and marry the boy I
have known for years.

Oh, Sarge, what a rotten trick. You
shouldn't have sent a note like that.

I didn't send it. This is the real
thing. How do you like that dame? She

this up before I could. I better stop
him before he does something desperate.

Take care of the check.

Okay, kid, move it.

Come on, kid, move this thing. What's
taking you so long? It's all downhill.

things, son. What are you doing?
Enjoying the scenery? Come on, push this

Next stop, main floor.

All right.

What's happening?

I don't know. We're stuck between
floors.

Take it easy. Don't panic. I'm a member
of the United States Armed Forces. I'll

take charge here. Operator, what's our
position?

We're stuck between the 14th and 15th
floor.

There's nothing to it, folks. We're
merely stuck.

Doctor,

are you all right? I'll be all right,
but he's got us stuck. Can't you get it?

told you, I... seen break with children.
Yeah, I didn't see you take charge.

All right, folks, here we go.

There, now, you see, you'll be down in a
few seconds. Yeah, it's very nice of

you to help the actors. Are you all
right now, Sergeant?

Miss, wait a minute, I love you. Let me
up.

What's the matter with you? Did you hear
the explosion? Miss! Oh, how sweet you

were. No, it isn't.

How kind you were. No.

Ah, I find you at last, my darling. What
is this? Excuse me, I'm not well. You

see, I was in an explosion. Okay.

What place is that in the world? I'm
sorry, sir. I was busy checking in some

guests. Look, you've got to help me find
her.

Find who, sir? The most beautiful girl.
You don't understand, do you? Well, you

see, I was in the elevator. I got stuck
on the 14th floor, and all the people

got panicked, especially this lovely
girl and me. Being the sergeant in the

alley, I calmed her down. By the time
the elevator got into the lobby, I was

gone. She was gone. I mean, she was so
calm that she... Did you see her?

No, why don't you ask the elevator
operator?

Yeah, the elevator. He was...

You're a good man. You're good.

Well, well, if it isn't the famous hero,
Sergeant York. Never mind that. You

know who she was. Look, buddy, I face
front. I don't have time to look at

passenger. Look, she spoke to me. You
must have heard her speak to me. Oh, was

she the one with the high -pitched voice
that got panicky? No, that was me.

I'm sorry, but I don't know who you're
talking about.

Sorry, we were looking all over for you.
I found Henshaw. Ernie, she's gone.

She's gone. I know, I know. With those
clear blue eyes. And that lovely brown

hair. Oh, Nancy's a redhead. Who's
talking about Nancy? I'm talking about

real thing that happened to me.

Sarge, not you. Yeah, in the elevator, I
took one look at her and... Forget

about her, Sarge. She'll just use you
for a while and throw you aside like an

old shoe. They're all no good. No,
they're not. That they do for Nancy, but

this girl. If I ever saw a true blue
girl, it was what's -her -name. What is

name? I don't know what's -her -name. I
don't know who she is. I don't know

where she is. I don't know. I got to...
I got to... Oh, I heard the explosion.

Wait, I was in an explosion, too. And
look what's left.

Wreckage, rubble, and ruin. I don't care
about you. I got to find her. I got to

find her.

Think of all the wonderful things you're
going to have to give up. The ripple of

a deck of cards across the table. The
pitter -patter of little dice against

wall. Sarge, are you prepared to give
all that up?

Dog, you know where to get me, don't
you?

No, I'm not prepared to give that up.

I almost made a fool out of myself.

Thank you, boys, for showing me the way
back home. That's all right. He's going

to be okay.

How nutty can you get?

Come on, let's find a pool room and get
a breath of fresh air.

I've got to find... I've got to find...

I can't sleep. That's it, Sarge. You
only met her five minutes ago.

Love doesn't have a wristwatch. Hey,
you. You got to help me. You got to help

me.

Get easy, will you?

Look, you must have seen her. She was in
the lobby. A beautiful girl. Big eyes

and lovely purse. Something like that.
Do you know who I'm talking about?

She looks like that. What are you going
to find her for?

Sarge, you had a picture or something.
He's right. A picture. Come on.

Sarge, what are we doing?

I know where to get a picture. You're a
good man.

Come on.

Soldiers outside to see you, Lieutenant.
They say it's important. Okay, Pete.

Send them in. Come on in, fellas.

Lieutenant.

What's the trouble, soldier? I want to
report a lady pickpocket.

A pickpocket? Yes, she's working the
elevators at the Mark Hopkins Hotel.

Oh, she looked innocent enough. And
little did I know, while she was smiling

me so sweetly, her supple fingers were
in my back pocket, lifting my wallet.

Your wallet. I can't help you with that,
buddy. You'll have to take it up with

Keller and Petty Robert. Petty Robert?

I guess I'll have to tell him then,
Lieutenant.

Is it safe to talk here?

It's a police station.

Oh, yes.

Lieutenant, in that wallet were the
plans for the world's tiniest missile,

Pocket Rocket.

It could be launched from... Good
heavens, I've said too much already.

Lieutenant, we've got to get that wallet
back.

Why didn't you report this to Army
Intelligence?

They sent me here. You see, they didn't
want to arouse too much suspicion. They

were afraid she'd leave town.

Well, just give me a description and
I'll put it on the wire. Well, no, I

thought a picture would be better. You
do have a police artist. I could

her to him, and in that way we know what
we're looking for.

Pete, send in Spencer.

Oh, the general will be furious.

Sergeant, don't you think it was a
little foolish of you to keep important

papers in your wallet? Why didn't you
put them in your shoe?

Shoe? Why didn't I think of that? No
wonder he's a lieutenant.

You suspect me, Sullivan?

Oh, yes, Fletcher. It looks like a
security case. It's a woman. The

here will give you the description.
Thank you very much. Go ahead, soldier.

did she look like? Oh, she was the
prettiest big pocket you ever saw.

A little more detail, please. Was her
face round or oval? Round or oval.

What is Brigid Bardot's face?

Oval. Put down oval.

Oval. How about her lips? How about her
lips?

Are they poor or thin?

Well, forget it. Which is more kissable?

Poor. Well, put down poor. Poor lips.

Does this look anything like her? No,
you haven't quite got it, sir. You see,

the face, it has no distinction.

You see, the high cheekbones. Give her
that Joan Crawford look.

How's that?

No, no, that's more Broderick Crawford.

Even though it's masculine, they're not
the same kind.

Pitch her a little... Please,
Lieutenant, this is a security case.

Pitch her a little dimple in the chin
and her mouth. You know, that pouty

Give her just a little tip.

That does it, yeah.

Give her that full look. And her nose,
that pretty little turn.

Give me big eyes.

That's what she did have. The big eyes.

George, I think he's getting it.

Aren't our modern police methods
wonderful?

I hear.

Is that the girl?

It's her.

It's her!

Is that the pickpocket?

Oh, she's a knockout. Oh, she's
beautiful.

Let me have that picture. I'll have
copies made and sent to all precincts.

that won't be necessary. I'll conduct a
search myself. I'll need two men. Oh,

you two men will do. Yes.

I should do something for the
policeman's fund you've been... Your

thought you said she took it.

Good heavens, it is my wallet.

I've almost made a horrible mistake.
I've almost accused an innocent young

Oh, I'll have to rush to apologize to
her. Do you happen to have a squad car

going by the Mark Hopkins Hotel?

Now, just a minute, Sergeant. What's
going on?

Thank you.

One,

two, cha -cha -cha.

One, two, cha -cha -cha. Oh, I'll get
that, but you keep right on practicing.

Now, come on.

One, two, that's five.

Hello, Miss Hodges speaking.

Ira, where are you calling from? How did
you find me?

I'm in Berkeley, Ellen, where you should
be.

Now, I demand that you get on the next
bus and come right back home.

I certainly will not, and you have no
right to order me about.

Well, I certainly do. We're engaged.

Engaged? Since when are we engaged?

Since Sunday. Mother announced it to the
papers. Now, you get back here, Ellen.

The whole town is laughing at me. You're
making me look like a fool.

I'm announcing right now we're
unengaged. I'm not coming back. And

bother looking for me. Well, if you
think for one moment that I... Hello?

Hello, Ellen?

Miss Kramer, get me my car.

And then get me my mother.

Oh, Miss Hodges, I think I got it.

One, two... Excuse me just a minute, Mr.
Hadley. I have something very important

to do, but you just keep right on
practicing here. Now, come on.

One, two, that's fine.

I'm awfully sorry to bother you with
this, Mr. Stone, but it could be very

embarrassing. Don't worry, Miss Hodges.
If anyone comes around here looking for

you, out he goes. Thanks so much.

Oh, hi, Miss Hodges. Hi, Jonas, and I
have a favor to ask of you. Anything,

Hodges. What is it? Well, somebody that
I don't want to see might come around

here looking for me, and if he asks you
about me, you don't know where I am or

who I am or how to find me, huh? Gotcha.
I'll be a regular mummy.

Thank you.

Sarge, Sarge, do you think we'll find
her? We've got her picture. Don't worry.

If she's in this hotel, we'll find her.

Oh, elevator boy.

Yeah, well, if it isn't Captain
Courageous. Sneaky.

Everyone in this elevator is always
crowded. Oh, yeah. Come here, come here.

Remember I talked to you about a young
lady? I got her picture. Do you know who

she is?

You're looking for this girl? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Wait a minute.

You didn't answer my question. Do you
know who she is? I'm not very good at

faces. Oh, the old glitchy bit. How good
are you at figures?

Does this elevator stop at the fifth
floor?

I'm sorry, fella. Go on. Hey, talk.

Bargain a little.

Does this stop on the 10th floor?

Going all right. All right, you pirate.
How many floors in this hotel?

18. 18.

All right, here. 18.

Oh, gee, thanks, mister. Do you know who
this young lady is? Got no idea, sport.

What's the matter?

What's the trouble? Who are you? I'm Mr.
Stone, the desk clerk. Oh, yeah? Well,

I want to report a crooked elevator boy.
This is most irregular. What happened?

What happened? I wanted some innocent
information, and he built me out of $18.

You were here. You're right. I'm
terribly sorry, sir. We've always been

for our hospitality. Can I help you?

Is that right?

Was I right when I told you the bigger
they are, the nicer they are? Sir.

Can you tell me who this young lady is?

Are you looking for her? Yes.

Hunt! I'm going to help her. Hunt! Throw
the shovel maker out.

Do you mind a little service, please?
Yes, sir. I was wondering...

Don't stare. Good heavens, man. I have a
very busy schedule. I'm terribly sorry.

Can I help you, sir? Do you mind, sir?
I've newly arrived to this country. I

promise the dear Major and Peter that
while here I would try to look for a

relative of ours.

Something about a fox hunt and fell off
a horse. Do you think I need you some

while you're out? I have a picture here
of the dear girl. Perhaps you could help

me. And you're looking for this girl?
I'd be ever so grateful. I think I can

help you. Thank you. Run, Trump! Run!
Run the town!

Did she come out yet? Not yet.

Hey, son, you look great!

How can I miss? I just wait here for a
guest to check in, I take his bag, and

I'm back in the hotel.

Hey, Sarge, look, there's a car driving
up. Well,

welcome to the Mark Hopkins Hotel, sir.
May I take you back?

Right this way, sir.

Yes, sir, do you have a reservation?

No, but I'm only staying a night. I
think we can accommodate you if you'll

sign in.

By the way, I was looking for a certain
young lady, and I just happened to have

a snapshot here. Could you tell me where
I can find this girl?

It must be the policy of the House.

What's the meaning of this? I'm Ira
Cotsworth of the Cotsworth Publications,

believe me, our newspapers will hear
about this. I'm terribly sorry, sir, but

Miss Hodges happens to be my fiancée.
Your fiancée? Should I throw about, sir?

Take your hand off me.

Take nothing at all, sir, but Miss
Hodges left strict orders.

However, I'm sure she didn't mean her
fiancée. Certainly not.

Where is she? She's in the dance studio
on the mezzanine. She's one of our

instructors. A dancing teacher?

Good heavens, if Mother ever heard about
it.

Well, listen, your mother, your mother's
always trying... I found her, but the

guy she's going to marry found her
first. Ah, she found another fella. What

I tell you? They're all no good. Oh,
shut up. You at least got to see the

you're in love with. Come on, Sarge,
forget about it. Yeah, I mean, let's get

back to the post.

Yeah, we might as well.

What happened to me? I must have gone
nutty. By tomorrow, this will all be a

memory. Come on.

Can't say I didn't try.

in a dancing studio.

So you've been telling me for the last
20 minutes, Ira, there's nothing wrong

teaching people how to dance.

There is for the future wife of Ira
Cotsworth. What will my friends think? I

don't care what your snobbish friends
think because I'm not going to be the

future Mrs. Cotsworth.

There she is.

She didn't think she was here in the
dance studio all this time.

Yeah, she's even prettier than her
pictures.

Sarge, Sarge, stop torturing yourself,
huh? I just wanted one last look. You're

a pest. I've told you a hundred times,
stop pestering me. Now, Ira, I'm not

going to marry you.

Oh, you can't mean that. I certainly do.
And, Ira, I want to tell you goodbye.

Now they're holding hands.

Next thing you know, they'll be kissing.

I don't want to see it. Come on.

You mean, Ellen, that you and I are
through? I certainly do.

Goodbye, Ira.

Very well.

If that's the way you want it.

Oh, Mother was so right.

Messerine, going down.

Look who we got here. Billy the Kid of
the Elevators. Get up there.

Let's go. Bounce us on your head. Come
on. I was only kidding. Sure, you were

only kidding. Boy, down.

Thanks so much.

Ain't that the lucky guy?

Yeah. He's probably rushing out to get
an apartment.

Congratulations, sir. I hope you and
Miss Hodges will be very happy.

Happy? What are you talking about? About
your forthcoming marriage.

Listen, if you want a military wedding,
I can pull a few strings. There's not

going to be any wedding. Miss Hodges and
I are through.

You mean she turned you down?

Hey, pick me up. I'm going down.

He's going down. I'm going up.

You must help me learn how to dance.
It's an emergency.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. We're closed now.
Couldn't you come back tomorrow? You

don't understand.

You see, I've been elected soldier of
the year, and they're throwing this big

dance at my honor, and I must learn how
to dance by tomorrow. Well, I don't

think I can teach you how to dance in
just one night.

Well, we'll be together. We can try. I
mean, if I don't learn how to dance,

who's going to be hurt? Please?

All right. Well, what is it you wanted
to learn? A waltz? A foxtrot? What?

Let's start with the minuet and work our
way up through the years.

All right, anything, just so I can get
the rhythm. Now look, it's very easy.

One, two, three, four. Now watch my
feet. It's easier this way.

One, two, three.

One, two, one. One, two, one. One, two,
three, four. Well, isn't there a dance

where you hold yourself close?

Well, you do most dances. And that's
where you sometimes put a head on your

shoulder and you get real close and do
it. Oh, look, I had no idea it was that

late. Couldn't you really come back
tomorrow? Tomorrow?

Yes. Tomorrow?

Well, all right, we'll stop real early
and spend the whole day learning how

to... No, every time after one o 'clock
tomorrow. One o 'clock?

All right.

One o 'clock.

I'll be here, and I won't breathe until
one o 'clock tomorrow.

Mr.

Stone,

a soldier just left here. He'll be
coming through the lobby any minute.

you hold him for me? Of course, Miss
Hodges.

I'll be only too happy to.

Oh, yes, I know him.

Oh, I'll get him, son. Oh, here he comes
now.

Soldier! Soldier!

Hey, you, you! Run!

Also

seen in

tonight's cast were Elliot Reid as Ira,
Hildy Parks as Helen, Paul Lind as the

desk clerk, Eddie Bruce as the elevator
boy, Horace McMahon as Detective

Sullivan, Carol Saint as Detective
Spencer, and Eddie Hanley as the