All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s03e34_bilkos_prize_poodle

So dear heart, the fire of our love
still rages within me.

The sound of taps is wafting through the
still night.

But I am not lonely.

I am happy.

For in a few minutes, we will be
reunited in my sweet dreams.

Everlastingly yours, Cupcake.

Gee, Sash, that's beautiful.

Yeah, Cupcake.

It'll be a dollar. A dollar? The last
love letter you wrote for me cost me 75

cents. Have you forgotten that writing
expenses have gone up?

If you don't want this perfumed letter,
I'll give you a little note on a pad.

No, no, no, Sarge. I'll take it. All
righty.

Okay. Thanks.

Hey, Sarge.

Really, what's wrong? I just wrote you a
masterpiece.

Well, would you do me a favor? I want to
change the girl's name on the letter.

Oh, don't you want to send it to Marsha?
It's too good for Marsha. I want to

send it to Anita Eckberg.

I'm from Fleischmann.

How about Ava Gardner?

Eckberg Gardner.

I'll think about it. Think about it. All
right, next.

Well, double impassioned. Now, what's it
going to be this time? Something sweet

and gay or something weary and
worldwide?

Nothing. Sarge, I want to cancel my
account.

Why? Something happened between you and
your pen pal?

Yeah. Louise is getting married.

Married? And you must have sent her a
hundred beautiful letters.

Married. Who's she marrying?

The mailman.

Oh.

Well, don't you grieve. Some lucky girl
will get you on the rebound.

No, Sarge. I'm leaving Fort Baxter.
Leaving Fort Baxter? Nonsense.

Sarge, this place has too many memories.

I put in for a transfer to Alaska.

Alaska? Dwayne, you're not ready for
cold storage. I don't want to hear any

talk about Alaska.

Sarge, I want to forget.

Well, you forget the only way you know
how.

Drown your sorrows in a jumbo malted.

While you're in town, go see a movie. I
understand the plan of Bugs Bunny

Festival this week.

Now, that's enough. Now, this is on me.
Go and have a good time. Take the

afternoon off. Forget all about her.

Yes, Louise.

I mean, thanks. Okay.

Look, Daddy.

She likes me. Sure she does.

You be good to her and she'll be the
best friend you ever had.

Well, Mrs. Prescott, you certainly made
a wise choice.

Judging from her pedigree, this Doberman
Pinscher should grow up to be a

champion, just like her father.

Yes, I saw her father win Best of Show
at the Armory. Yes, by the way, we'll

forward the Doberman's papers just as
soon as we get them from the National

Kennel Club.

Come on, baby. Come on, darling.

Come on. Here we are.

Can I help you, sir?

Yes, I want to buy a dog. What kind of a
dog?

Oh, one that's loyal and true and will
never let you down. You have all breeds.

How much did you want to spend?

All about...

$5 .28?

$5? I don't think we have any... Wait a
minute. I do have a poodle. Would she

love me?

Well, she's just a stray. I can't
guarantee what she'll grow up to be

if you're just looking for a
companionship, there she is.

Oh, she's beautiful!

Hello, little puppy!

Do you want to come home with me?

She loves me! She loves me!

Uh, yes. It'll be $5, please.

And could you give me your name and
address for our record?

Doberman, Fort Baxter, Kansas.

I'm going to name him Louise.

Oh, we're going to be so happy when they
kill us.

Mr. Dunlap, those pedigree papers for
that championship dog you sold just

arrived from the kennel. That's for the
Doberman. Will you send them out,

please? The address is on the counter
there.

Oh,

here it is.

Doberman, Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Oh, I hate the end of the month, all
this bookkeeping. But I guess General

Motors goes through the same thing.

How did he do on the Moonlight Hayride?

We lost $12 on account of the rain.

Make a note, the next hayride will be
held indoors.

Ooh, I love you, you sweet little thing.

Here's another kiss for my baby.

Why don't they turn that radio down in
there? Soap operas. I got a platoon full

of housewives.

Now, how'd he do on the turkey shoot?

Ooh, you're so soft.

And those big, bright eyes.

Not the radio, that's Doberman.

Oh, Louise, I could hold you like this
forever.

Louise, that's his pen pal.

Stop it, Louise.

You're biting my ear.

She's biting his ear. What do you want
to go outside, dear? Come on, let's go

over here, baby.

No, not in there. That's some tree.

Come on.

All right, Don Juan, where is she?

Don't get me with the baby blue eyes.

I know you're hiding her. Where'd you
hide Louise?

I'm not hiding her, sir. She's outside.

Outside? Are you nuts with officers all
over the place? You know you can't bring

a girl in here.

Louise is a dog.

I don't care what kind of girl she is.
Get her out of here.

Wait.

Hey, why did I put in those letters? I
must be a regular Cyrano.

Here she is, sir. All right, miss.
She'll help.

This is Louise. Isn't she beautiful?

This is Louise?

Yeah, I bought her at the pet shop with
the money you gave me.

I thought you was a girl.

Get her out of here.

She loves me.

Wait. Try to understand. When we joined
up in the service, we all had to leave

our loved ones behind. Now get her out
of here. Sorry, she won't take up much

room. And besides, I'll give her all my
leftovers.

What leftovers?

When did you ever leave leftovers?

Now get her out of here. Oh, Louise,
I've lost you again.

You like this blue thing? Dodge to the
barracks. Oh, see, we're such a cute

little puppy. Why don't you let him keep
it?

Rocco, you know the rules and
regulations as well as I do. Come on,

do some bookkeeping.

Hey, Sarge. What? Where's Goldman? Look,
this letter came from the

administration building. Must be from
that Dame Louise returning his love

letter. So that Dame really burns me up.

What is it, Faraday?

Want to join the readings? Decide to get
out of here.

Get out of here. You think you should
open it, Sarge?

Why not? I wrote the letter.

National Kennel Club.

What is this? Oh, maybe it's about the
dog Doberman bought. Yeah, yeah, the

pedigree papers. Listen to this.

Classification, Doberman. Well, that's
Dwayne.

Dog, female, signed by champion Yeoman
Dulles Blue and champion Dame Blue de la

Chanson. Wow.

Hey, get a load of this family.

Look at all these prize winners.

Best in show, National Kennel Club.

Grand Prix, Paris Dog Show.

Blue Ribbon, British Royal Kennel
Society.

You mean that funny -looking little
puppy?

Hold your tongue.

You're talking about royalties.

In the veins of that little puppy flows
the blood of kings.

So what? All they ever win is ribbons.
Ribbons? Yeah. Well, with green on them.

Tens and twenties.

Do you know what a champion dog makes?

Personal appearances, breeding,
endorsing of food for dogs. Yeah, but

look. Why would anybody sell Doberman a
championship dog for five dollars? I

don't know. Somebody must have made a
mistake. It happens all the time. One of

the greatest racehorses of all time,
Stymie, was sold for peanuts.

Wait a minute. You made Doberman take
the dog back.

I made him take... Yeah.

You... You said rules and regulations.

I love rules and regulations.

Where's Louise?

Louise.

There he is. Wayne.

Where is she? Where's Louise, the
darling little puppy?

Sarge, I brought her back like you told
me to. But the minute you left the

barracks amidst the pitter -patter of
her tiny little paws and the cute little

way she barked.

But Sarge, she was only with us a few
minutes.

And besides, you told me army rules and
regulations. I told you. He told you.

Let's go in and get Louise.

You'll be very happy with this puppy,
sir.

I'll write up a bill of sale. Fine.

Louise! Louise!

Saji's got Louise!

All right. Excuse me, sir. Are you
interested in that little puppy? Yes, I

bought it. Saji bought Louise! Now, now,
now. I know how relieved you are,

Dwayne. You thought they'd never be able
to sell her.

Never be able to sell her? Oh, don't get
me wrong. She's a darling little puppy.

Oh, little... Oh!

Oh, sir!

I forgot she wasn't wearing her muzzle.

Muzzle for a little puppy?

Little... Sir, you're forgetting a
scorpion is no bigger than your

However, you have nothing to worry about
as long as you have no children.

I have three children.

Well, you better be careful. Keep her on
a strong chain.

However, if you want her to run about,
you can always send the children over to

their grandmothers.

The salesman told me it was a sweet
little puppy.

Oh, did he? Roll up your pants so I can
show him your leg. Remember the time she

went for your throat?

Did he open the door? For one panic
-stricken week, fortunately.

We're all in the army. We have guns, you
know. Guns? Amazing. Well, here's your

bill of sale. And here's your dog.

How dare you sell a monster like that to
a man with three children? Oh, she went

for me. She's a tiger, a tiger.

What's the matter with him? Oh, one of
those characters carrying a grudge

against the world, taking it out on a
little puppy.

Excuse me, I'll put this dog back in the
window. No, don't bother. The young man

wants to buy the dog again.

I don't know, Sarge. If she's that
vicious, maybe I ought to buy a bunny.

shut up.

Excuse me, have you got a muzzle for
him?

Yes, little burpy dog.

There she is, fellas.

Prentice Louise, future champion of the
dog world. Hey, Sarge, can I pick her

up? Did you wash your hands? Yeah. Let
me see.

Look a little rough to me. Put some
rubber gloves on. Sarge, can I stop

My back is killing me. Mop.

Sarge, the room looks clean to me.

It may look clean to you, but I want it
clean enough for a dog to live in. What?

Sarge, here's a flea powder.

Good. I want you to sprinkle that on
every man in the platoon. If this dog

catches one... Sarge, here's a roast
book cassette, sure. Spread them all

the floor for the little puppy.

Sarge, which section does she like, the
sports or the fun? Come on, come on.

She's such a high class dog, give her
the society page. Hey, Sarge, you got

wrong page. She don't want the Gazette,
she wants the Post.

Get it? It's a joke.

It's a joke. Get out of here.

And suppose the winner, I feel, is
Radcliffe.

Come on. Hold the time.

Stop dealing. I feel lucky tonight.
Quiet.

You're waking the dog up. Come on,
little baby. It's beddy -bye time.

We're going to get a little sleeping.

Hey, look at him, Mark. Can't she do
tricks, Ernie? If she's Bill Cole's dog,

she probably could do car tricks.

Take a good look at these two clowns.
When they need an act in the dog show,

this is it. Come on, let's get the game
started. I've got to play here. We'll

play in the kitchen. We'll keep the dog
awake all night. Come on.

It's her bedtime.

Out. Softly. Out.

Yes, little sweetheart. It's time for
little Sweetums to go get a little

bedding. Bye. And Daddy's going to see
you in the morning. Go to sleep, little

angel.

What's the matter

with Daddy's angel? Does little Daddy
miss him? It's

Daddy -ums. No, no, baby.

Daddy's... No, sweetheart.

We've been... Yes, son? Dog sitting
tonight.

Watch over her. If she needs me, come
and get me. I'll come right in here,

if I'm winning.

Close your eyes, little doggie.

I bet to a boy poodle, she looks like
Gina Lola Bridgerton.

Well, that'll be $2 .50.

That's worth it, Marty.

$2 .50? You only charge me a buck and a
quarter.

What's the cut?

We may take our business to Elizabeth
Arden. Out, out. She's beautiful.

Give her a little air. Everybody, out.
Out, out.

What did they do to you? What did they
do to her? They just made her a cinch to

win the championship in New York, that's
all. Think she's got a chance, Sarge?

Think she's got a chance. You saw her
papers.

Her father was champion. Her mother was
champion. She comes from a better family

than you do.

Just think, Louise.

In a week, you'll have all New York at
your paws.

Hey, Sarge, look at these orders.

Alaska? They're shipping you to Alaska?

I thought I told you to cancel this
request.

I forgot.

Sarge, everything was so mixed up.
You've got to help me out.

I'll do what I can. Don't you worry. The
minute I get back from New York, I'll

pull a few strings. I'll get you right
back in there. You leave everything to

me. Sarge, it's so lonely in Alaska. Can
I take Louise with me?

Louise with you to Alaska?

You see how she's clipped?

She couldn't even stand air
conditioning.

But Sarge, she's my dog.

That's right.

She is your dog.

Take her with you. Take her with you to
Alaska.

Don't let her go to New York for her big
chance.

And in a few years... when she's lying
there at your feet on the porch and she

looks up at you with a look that seems
to say, Master, why didn't I ever amount

to anything?

You tell her that on the eve of her big
chance, you took her to Alaska.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that.

Only you'd see it that way, Dwayne. I'll
go pack your galoshes and knee -mops

and leave everything to me.

Sarge, can I say goodbye to Louise?

That's kind of sweet of you. Go on, say
goodbye.

It's got to be at the airport first
thing tomorrow morning. Well, we've got

put the straw on the bottom first.
Straw?

I want wall -to -wall carpeting. Rocco,
get Louise. We'll see if she fits.

Did you leave a little compartment for
food, for water? There's no room, Sarge.

Well, make room. Make it split level.

I want a honeydome.

Look, look. Louise ate the room. She's
gone.

Somebody left the door open.

Louise. Louise.

Leave me alone. I'm looking for Louise.

She's all right. Here she is, laying in
Dublin's bed.

Oh, no, baby.

What's the matter with baddies?

You don't like that nasty old crate?
Would you rather lay in a bed? Would you

rather go on a lower bus to New York?
Come on, baby. Take a bed. You put a

ribbon in your hair. Sir, she don't look
good to me. Maybe she's sick.

I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you
say that, friend.

Come on, baby. Come on.

She's been moping around, I guess, ever
since Doberman left.

That's it. She misses Doberman. We all
miss Doberman, don't we, Fanny?

But, darling, you still have me, sweet,
lovable Uncle Ernie.

Sir, she don't want sweet, lovable
Ernie. She wants fat, sloppy Doberman.

Not just with them moping around like
this. Doberman, got a reminder?

I got it. What's that, Sergeant?

Fellas, let's go looking for Doberman.

We're going to look for Doberman now.

I can't call Alaska on the radio. Why
not? You got the equipment. All you got

do is plug it in.

I need a break before it. I can only
call Alaska in case of a national

emergency. This is a national emergency.

Look, suppose I win that prize, huh?
It's $10 ,000.

What happens to that money?

The government takes $6 ,000 off the
taxes. And what does the government do

it? They buy planes, tanks, guns,
missiles.

I'm strong.

A fortress of freedom.

But if Louise loses that dog show, our
nation is in grave peril.

Oh, is that what you're saying? Of
course.

And you'll also get 10 % of the prize
money.

Oh, Duke, look at that.

This is Fort Baxter calling QPB in
Alaska.

Come in, QPB.

Come in.

Private Stone from Fort Baxter reporting
for Alaskan duty, sir.

That is.

Well, these seem to be in order. Excuse
me, sir. An important radio call from

Fort Baxter, Kansas.

Is it hooked up to my extension? Yes,
sir.

This is Lieutenant Watson. Come in.

Don't be alarmed, sir. This is just a
routine check. Has Private Dwayne

reported for duty yet, sir?

Oh, splendid.

Just a routine check. Would you cross
-check it with me just for the

information, please?

Private Doberman. Dwayne.

Serial number?

834 -6832.

Eyes blue. Hair brown.

Weight? 130 pounds.

Height? 6 foot 2 inches. Age?

22 years.

Height? 6 foot 2 inches?

Weight? 130 pounds. Are you sure you
have the right figures?

Yes. Doesn't the man fit that
description? I mean, sort of a young

Stewart?

Jimmy Stewart?

I have a chubby middle -aged man.

Good heavens, I was afraid of this.
They've undoubtedly kidnapped the real

Doberman and substituted one of their
own.

What? Yours isn't a strategic base, is
it?

It is.

Here's what we'd better do.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Right.

Corporal, will you come in here right
away, please? Can I go to my barracks

please, sir?

Not so fast, Doberman, or whoever you
are.

I want two men to fly this man
immediately to the 78th Street Armory in

City. If he cannot be identified by a
female named Louise, you are to take him

directly to FBI headquarters.

Come on, baby. Break up, Louise.
Remember, the show must go on. Maybe

hungry. Why don't you give her a few
bits? Oh, really? And fatten her up so

she'd waddle into the ring?

I've got a good notion to report you to
the judges.

The Doberman is nowhere in sight. Not in
front of the door.

He's got to be here in time. He's coming
by jet. Well, he'd better hurry because

the poodle class is next.

Oh, we've got to stall. We've got to
stall somehow.

What did you say? Did you hear what
Rocco said, Louise?

Doberman phoned from the airport. He'll
be here.

All right. French poodle's next. All
dogs upstairs.

French poodle so soon? That's right.
French poodle judging at nine o 'clock.

Well, it's some mistake. You see, my dog
is a California dog. She thinks at six

o 'clock she won't be up for three
hours.

Just a minute, sir.

I claim a foul here.

I thought this contest was for a French
poodle. Oh, it is?

Then what is this lady's dog doing here?

I beg your pardon? This is a French
poodle. Oh, really? Nice try, lady. It's

obvious to see that this dog comes from
Alphace, Lorraine, which, as everybody

knows, is the possession of Germany.
Now, do you want me to go on with the

German poodle contest? I have no
objections.

That's ridiculous. This is a French
poodle.

Oh, really?

Fraulein?

Your objection is not valid. Now, have
your dogs ready.

Just a minute. This lady has no license.

The very idea.

I'm doing this for your own protection.
Suppose there's a dog, Groucho.

We're behind schedule now. Bring your
dogs upstairs.

Come, Pierre.

We'll see whose poodle wins.

Yeah, lucky Pierre, I know.

That's it, huh?

Well, can we at least take her upstairs
and try?

What good is trying? What good?

This is a contest for breeding, not
brooding.

Honey, look.

She's wagging her tail. She's happy.

What is it, baby? Hey, Ernie, Ernie,
he's here.

See, you hear that, Louise Doblin? He's
here. He's here.

All right, all right. I'll tell him.
Watch her. I'll be right back.

Sir! Time to get away, Wendy.

Good work, man. I'll take charge of the
prison. Sorry, Sergeant. We got orders

not to release him until positive
identification has been made. Yes, I

understand.

Tell me, soldier.

What's your name?

Dwayne Doberman. Not very sure, are you?
Just a minute.

Do you know a female named Louise?

Who, Louise? Quiet. I'll ask all the
questions. Do you know a female named

Louise? Yes. Describe her to me. How
tall is she? 5 '2", 5 '4"? No, she only

comes up to my knees. That's very
interesting. Up to your knees, huh?

What does she look like?

Well, she has brown eyes, brown hair,
and a cute little bushy tail.

Sounds like a dog. It is a dog.

Doberman. This is Doberman. Only the
real Doberman knows that Louise is a

Louise is a dog? Hey, see, that you
didn't even know. Good work, man. I know

you're ready.

Job well done. Anyway.

Sarge, where's Louise? Come with me.
We've got to get her up into the ring.

on.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner in the
French poodle division is champion

Louise. Louise, you... Louise, baby, we
did it. We did it. You did it.

you. Congratulations, you are now
eligible for Best in Show prize. Best in

or since for the big money.

Now, may I have the dog's paper so I can
enter this award? Of course, here you

are. Are we on television now?

Hello there, dog lovers.

No, these are the papers for a Doberman.
Here he is, Doberman.

No, these are the papers for a Doberman
dog.

Evidently, there's been a mix -up. Now,
I want the papers for the poodle. What

are you talking about? Those are the
only papers we ever had.

Oh, well, I'm sorry. If you have no
proof of the dog's pedigree, I'm afraid

can't give you the prize.

What do you mean? Ladies and gentlemen,
there has been a disqualification. The

winner in the French poodle division is
champion Pierre.

Ladies and gentlemen, you might sit
there and see there's some justice done

two soldiers who protected you in the
South Pacific, giving the right to this

German dog whose real name is Tom
Trooper.

Dog biscuits, $30.

Modern man dog coat, $27.

Rhinestone collar, $4 .85.

Boy, that dog ate up our profits for the
whole year. Yeah, but she was worth it.

For 30 seconds, she was a champion.

And we got Doberman transferred back
here. Yeah, where is he? Oh, he took

over to the family that answered the
air. They got a couple of kids that want

their dog, and they'll be good to her.
That's nice. On weekends, we can go and

visit her. All right, now, we got to
recoup our losses. Any suggestions?

How about a Fourth of July dance?

Oh, good. We already had five this year.

You have the most beautiful brown eyes
and the cutest little nose.

This is where we came in.

I don't care what he's found. What kind
of a dog, if it's a champion or not, I

want nothing to do with it. Hey, Sarge,
can I talk to him? Don't talk to me. You

want to keep her, keep her. Just don't
let the colonel see her. I can't? Yes,

you can.

Roxanne! Roxanne! Come here, dear. This
is

Roxanne. Yeah.

She is... Oh, Goldman, run out of the
pet shop and buy yourself a little petty

boy. Oh, but Sarge... That's another get
a pet!

So you're Roxanne.

That works.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Joey
Ross as Sergeant Ritzig, Jimmy Little as

Sergeant Grover, Edith King as the
Dowager, Barnard Hughes as the Judge,

Evans as the Salesman, and Roy Monsell
as Lieutenant Watson.