All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s03e07_sergeant_bilko_presents

Hey,

that was a great lunch today. It
certainly was.

What was it? I don't know. That's when
it's best, when you don't know.

Hey, Doberman, what's this?

Army surplus?

Yes. Hiya, Hugo.

Here are the tickets you wanted for my
play Friday night. I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, thanks. Hey, you wrote the play
yourself, huh? How about that, fellas? A

real playwright in the bunk above me.
Boy, am I glad to join that platoon,

It's a relief to have a real
intellectual with us. Now I got someone

Attention, attention.

Now here's a sample of the fun, fun, fun
you're going to have this coming Friday

night at my hottest model's ball.

Yay!

All right, remember, there will be hats
for the gentlemen, favors for the

ladies. Fun, fun, fun. Get your tickets
while they last. Don't get shut out,

gentlemen. Sergeant, Sergeant, they're
not listening. Hugo, here's the money

my tickets.

Hold it, hold it. Wait a minute. Hey,
hold it! Hugo, I want to talk to you.

sorry, Sergeant Bilko, but all the good
tickets are gone.

How do you like this? You just joined
the platoon. Why, you phony double

-crosser. You think I'm going to stand
by while you pull off some phony ticket

-selling scheme with my men? Sergeant
Bilko. You know my policy.

No competitors.

I mean, don't leave this conductor in
the back.

Now, what is it? It's a shabby little
rackety yard. It's no racket, Sergeant.

I'm just selling tickets to a show.

You think I'm going to stand here and
have my men caught in a raid?

That's a waste of time. It's not that
kind of show, Sergeant. It's a play I

wrote. They're doing it in Roseville
Friday night.

They're all coming. What's happening to
me? Is the parade passing me by? Am I

getting old?

All right, break it up. Come here, Hugo.
I want to talk to you.

Pretty clever, I must say. Here I come
up with a crummy idea like a dance, but

you come up with a sharp idea like a
play, huh?

It took a lot of work.

Yeah, but it'll pay off, huh? I suppose
you got a piece of the hot chicken

session, huh? That's good for a few
bucks.

Oh, you're making it on the program ads.
I mean, to the butcher, the hardware

store. Well, I don't have anything to do
with the programs.

Oh, I suppose you have a lot of
intermissions in your place so you can

of orangeade, huh? No, I didn't do any
of those things.

Then you have the nerve to call yourself
a playwright.

play of yours open Friday night? Yes.
Good. We have time to operate.

What about your artist and model's
dance?

Do you sell any tickets? No.

Refund every penny the dance is up.

Buy a ticket?

How long have you been in show business?

Your agent don't buy a ticket.

Look, a live gig. Come here. I want to
talk to you.

Get the rest of the stuff out of the
jeep. And look, that sign next to the

theater that says free parking, tear it
down. Yes, I do have two orchestra

tickets for you.

75 cents each. No, no, just that. I'll
take that. What is that? Two tickets in

the orchestra and 440 apiece? That would
come to 880, I believe.

What? 75 cents? No, that's the tax
money. Yes.

It's expensive.

You're sitting next to the governor.
He's not complaining. Do you or do you

want these tickets? We're having a land
office. What?

Yes. All right. What's your name? I'll
leave them for you. Do you pick them up

at the box office?

Splendid. Do you need $4 .40 a ticket?
Oh, quick, go backstage. They're waiting

to fit you for the uniform for the check
room. Who are you?

Didn't you get the memo? I'm the
author's new representative. I represent

everything here.

Did you say check room? Yes, quick, the
seamstresses are waiting backstage. Come

on. Ha, ha, ha, move.

Go down to the basement and start
squeezing. Remember, I want four glasses

juice to each iron.

That's a lot of squeezing.

That's a lot of water. Be sure that some
of the pits are in the water so it

looks legitimate. Move it, move it.

How are the ads going for the program?
Just great. Even the Paradise Bar and

Grill took an ad. Fine. And Schultz the
Butcher says he'll take a whole page if

he can work in the script something
about him running a special on pot roast

this week. It's in.

Remind me to talk to you about it. Here
are the binoculars, Sarge. I emptied out

the storeroom. Fine. We'll charge 50
cents a piece for these in the balcony.

Sarge, you can see great from the
balcony.

Not if you turn off the spotlight, huh?

I want to talk to you about putting some
lines in the show. But you haven't seen

it yet, Sarge. I'm sure she's right. I
knew there was something I overlooked. I

haven't seen the play yet. If the dress
rehearsal started now, would you like to

come on in? Good. I may find a place to
put in some more plugs in it. But...

Tell Pat Riley to take over the park's
office and tell him to keep his sneaky

little hands out of the till. Come on.

Ah, this is it.

It's pretty good for yourself, Hugo.

What does it start? Right now. Okay,
move it. Okay, Cass. You can begin

you're ready.

Incidentally, what's the name of this
play? I've been busy with other details.

It's lit my mind.

Sheriff Hopper Summer.

Sharecropper Summer, I like it. It's got
a little to it. It sings. If we make it

a musical, we got the title song.

Sharecropper Summer, I haven't heard
from us this night.

Big Papa, come quick.

Mr. Higgins is coming up the river road.

Oh, Big Papa's going to be awful mad
when Mr. Higgins gets here.

You called me last time. Sure did, Big
Papa.

Look who's coming. That no -account Mr.
Higgins and his no -account son.

Hey, aren't they a little small to be in
a play? Shh, watch the play.

See, Papa, I want to talk to you about
my son, Ruth, marrying up with your

daughter, Blanche.

Ha, ha.

Your son marrying my daughter?

Yes.

Just because you got money, that ain't
enough.

We may be poor, but we're aristocracy,
sir.

Hey, Hugo, why you got just children in
this play? It's a little ridiculous,

isn't it? It's being put on by the
Roosevelt Junior High Dramatic Society.

It's the only little theater group in
town.

I know, but these look like people from
the Musketeer Club, don't they?

How do you expect us to give a
performance with all this noise going

Now get outside if you're going to
cackle. I'm sorry.

Who are you?

I'm the director, that's who.

Oh, it figures.

If you don't be quiet, I'll report you
to the principal.

Okay, Kate, let's get on with the
rehearsal. Have I missed much of the

rehearsal, Hugo?

No, Mr. Harmon, it just began. Good.

As principal of Roseville Junior High,
I've never seen our drama group do

anything quite so stimulating. Thank
you, Mr. Harmon. In reading your play,

Hugo, I was very impressed with the
similarity between your work and

Williams. Hold on.

Tennessee Williams?

The famous playwright, he writes like
Tennessee Williams?

Yes. Maybe someday I'll be saying, I
knew Hugo Lachman well.

Hey, Tennessee.

Hugo, come outside. I want to talk to
you a minute.

Is that the play? Bring it with you.

All right, Big Papa. Take it from the
top.

Thanks, Big Papa. Big Papa, you've been
wrong.

Our day is done.

I'm going to marry Ruth Higgins and play
my part in a new day that's dawning.

And then the curtain descends slowly as
Big Papa goes back into the house.

A broken man.

Poetry.

Sheer poetry.

If I didn't know you were Hugo Lachman,
I would swear you were Tennessee

Williams. I guess I couldn't help it.

Tennessee Williams is my idol. I admire
his characters, his feeling, his depth,

his philosophy.

His money?

I never think about money. I'm just
interested in writing.

Good boy. You just worry about the
money.

It's the Broadway production, right? And
then we make the movie sale for not any

company. I want a major firm. I want
this done right. Big screen and in

And for my stars, I insist on Cary Grant
and Morrow and Monroe because they're

great at the box office. See that?

All you needed was a producer.

Sarge, you're going to be a producer?

Why not? What's a producer? What's the
big deal with a producer? What is a

producer? A guy who uses other people's
money, right?

You know anybody better than I am at
using other people's money?

It's not right in Roseville we raise the
money for the Broadway production.

But what about the Roseville Junior High
players?

Are you kidding? That's off.

We call that off. But what about the
kids? What do they do?

Let them do Jack and the Beanstalk like
other kids.

Hey, Sarge, I squeezed over 20 gallons
of orange juice. What should I do with

it? Be my guest.

new play.

We're so excited that we're going to be
the first to hear it.

I'll get the girls off the chicken salad
so we can get started.

Splendid, splendid.

Do you think it'll work? Do you think
they'll cough up enough stuff for the

play? Are you kidding? Did you count the
minks when we came in here? Look at

that woman's wearing. That's not a
chandelier, you know. That's a diamond

earring. Sergeant, do you think they'll
understand the play? It's all about poor

people. When I get through with them,
they're going to be poor people, too.

Girls, we have a delightful surprise
this afternoon.

We're going to hear a new play written
by Private Hugo Lachman of our own, Fort

Baxter.

How much are you going to hit him for,
Sergeant? Well, Darren, I was going to

ask for 30, but I'm going to hold out
for 40 ,000. And I know we're going to

enjoy a delightful reading by the
producer himself, Sergeant Ernest Vilco.

Not 40. I just made it 60.

Now, I know we're all anxious to hear
the reading of the play, so we'll cut

regular business down to just hearing
the treasurer's report.

Lucille?

I'm very happy to report that our flower
show two weeks ago was a tremendous

success.

We emerged with a net profit of, um, $1
.65.

lucky on our rummage sale last Tuesday.

There was a loss of $2 .98.

And since there's nothing in the
treasury, the club owes me the money.

Thank you,

Phil. And now, what we've all been
waiting for, the reading of the play.

Sergeant Ernest Bilbo.

Yeah, when an army private comes up with
a great play. Look, forget it. The only

one who cares about an army private is
the army. Better get this play back to

you, girl.

would be... Hey! What? The army. The
army? That's who's going to produce this

play, the army. The army don't produce
plays. They will when Hugo wins the all

-army playwriting contest. I didn't know
the army was running a playwriting

contest. Neither did they. Let's go and
see the new special service officer.

Thanks, Wilkins.

Oh, yes, Wilkins. Sir, I know how
strained the special service budget is

days, and my men and I have chipped in
this token amount in the hopes that

perhaps you can bring the ballet ruse to
Fort Baxter next Friday.

Ballet ruse?

Oh, my men are simply starved to see it,
sir. I've scheduled busing for Friday

night. Oh, the men will be so bitterly
disappointed.

But they like boxing. Oh, no, sir. They
abhor brutality and violence. As a

matter of fact, sir, athletic contests
are passe.

Cultural contests are nothing, sir.
Cultural contests?

But surely... the Major has heard of the
All -Navy Painting Contest, where over

500 watercolors and 300 oils were
submitted, sir. I'd never heard of it.

Well, sir, it wasn't on the SWAT pages.

Of course, nothing compared to the
Marine Corps Clay Modeling Contest. Oh,

had some breathtaking heads. That one at
Albert Schweitzer at the Ordnance.

Wasn't that thrilling?

I'd never heard of that one either.

Sir, if you'll forgive me for saying so,
the Army has become an artistic

wasteland. Oh, let us strike back, sir.

You mean the Army should run a cultural
contest?

A contest.

What a wonderful idea. I never thought
of that, sir. I can hardly wait to tell

the men, sir. Yeah, yeah.

But what would it be?

Oh, it beats me, sir. Oh, if you'd just
come over to the barracks and have a

talk with the men, sir, they'd so
appreciate it, sir. That is an excellent

Bilko. Perhaps we can find out what the
men are really interested in. You

notice, this is what makes an officer.
This know -how, this drive. Oh, so what

you...

This doesn't mean we're giving up hope
of getting the Ballyroos. Oh, I do hope

they do Swan Lake. When the prince turns
into the swan. Oh, it's day two.

You all know what to do. Everybody busy
typing. Here, Fender, here's your paper.

But Sarge, I don't know how to type. I
bake it. Here, Mullen, here's yours.

Sarge, this ain't got no ribbon here.
Chewing a pencil like you're thinking of

ideas. Sarge, grass coming, coming. All
right, busy typing. Everybody busy

typing. Attention!

As you were, man. Thank you, sir. It's
their hobby period, sir.

So what?

What an amazing sight, the entire
platoon. Yes, they do that all the time,

Sir, I was thinking about the contest.

How about mosaics? Tile is cheap, sir.

Mosaics? Yes, sir. Hey, Sarge, do you
think my second act curtain is strong

enough if the mother runs off with the
daughter, or is it better if the father

runs off with the fan dancer?

I don't know, Paparello. You have a
conflict there.

Discuss it with Dolman. He's very good
on the triangle part.

Sorry, if you don't care for mosaics,
how about a book -binding contest? Hey,

Sarge. Mother stole my plant. It's mine.
I had a fight. It's mine. I had a

fight. I have a major visiting us. These
petty squabbles have got to stop.

Collaborate with each other. No, do it
together.

Uh, sir, how about a soap carving
contest? It's fun and it's clean, sir.

Think of what the men really like to do.
Wait a minute, Bill Cole, sir.

Everybody here seems to be writing a
play. Oh, yes. They do it all the time.

It's getting way out of hand. I'll stop
it, sir. No, no, no, no, no, Bill Cole.

I think it's wonderful.

Bill, would you say that yours is a
typical batter?

Well, I think so, sir. I think it's as
typical as apple pie.

Well, then this must be happening all
over the army.

By George, I think you could have
something, sir. A playwriting contest.

A playwriting contest.

I don't know if the army would stand for
it, sir. Well, they had better, because

I am going to fight for it. This is the
best idea I ever had. Sir, will you

move, sir? Sir, sir, how do you spell
Hamlet?

He's writing a modern version.

I'll tell you how to spell it.

I'm going to get on it right away. Oh,
sir, it's wonderful.

And the credit for this new army project
goes to Major Charles Lukens of Fort

Baxter, Kansas. And get this.

The Theatre Guild has promised that the
prize -winning play will receive a

Broadway production.

What makes you so sure Hugo's play is
going to win? How could he miss? How

he miss? No, Sarge, lots of guys will be
submitting plays. Everybody.

Let me ask the clever corporal a
question.

How long have you been in the army? 22
years. How long have you been in? Don't

answer. Would you say between this, over
100 years? Yeah.

And in all that time, did you ever hear
of one soldier who ever wrote a play?

No. You're right, Sarge. Of course I'm
right. And with Hugo's play being the

only entry, we're since to wrap up the
whole contest. How could we miss?

And here he is now, the bard of Vexter.

You want to play a contest? Yeah. Look,
you better give me a place so I can mail

it in today. The quicker we get it in,
the better. It isn't ready yet.

What do you mean it isn't ready? It was
ready when you did it with those school

kids. It was all right for them,
Sergeant, but when I read about this

knew the third act was all wrong, so I
tore it up.

Tore it up?

What, I'm going to do it over again?

Oh, don't stop on me like that.

Look, we'd better start right now
because we want to catch that 5 o 'clock

Stop, Raleigh. Hi, Fred.

I'll get it right here.

You'll be great.

Put it right over here. You know what I
always say? Never slow down tomorrow.

What you can do today.

We're all good, dear. I'll get a man.

Don't go away, kid. My little mood music
is the Southern Place one, everybody.

Something about Big Papa or Little Mama,
something about the plantation.

Go ahead, kid. We're all Ruthie. Get in
there all the time.

Sergeant Bilko, I just can't do it. Oh,
all right.

I'm sorry. I forgot for a minute. It's
an inspirational thing. You don't turn

on and turn it off. We were just rooting
for you too hard. You do it at your

leisure. Just think it over.

Just think it over quietly and do it the
best you can because we don't want to

rush you.

Is he typing?

Shh, I'm listening.

Well, what's holding him up? I don't
know. Be quiet.

He's typing. I can hear him clicking.
We're in.

Oh, Sarge, I'm sorry. I just can't
think.

Well, I just heard you typing. Why
haven't I mentioned?

Hey, then.

Hey, Sarge, you want me to tell my
mother you're his dad? Get out. Get your

grubby hands off me.

Shut up. Go on. Finish that third act.
Come on.

I'm sorry. I'm not in the mood.

I'll let him in. Wait a minute. He's not
in the mood. He's not in the mood. You

don't turn writing on and off.

Look, take your time. Just think about
it. Give it a lot of thought. As long as

we get it in the morning mail.

Take it easy, all right? Leave him
alone. Get me buddy out.

And take Hemingway with you. Come on.

overseas. I can't understand this. The
first time I wrote sharecropper summer,

it came to me just like that.

Well, they were all surprised in the
hospital when I finished it in just two

weeks. Well, you see, a hospital?

Yeah. The allergy I had kept me in there
for two weeks until I discovered what

it was that caused the rash.

Oh, the rash.

That's very interesting. Oh, what did
cause the rash?

Strawberries. They're poison to me. They
are.

Don't look as long as...

Don't come. Why don't you knock off?
We'll do it some other time.

But, sir, it's a contest.

It's a contest. What's the contest
compared to your health? Go on.

Take time off.

It don't come. It don't come.

It... Not come!

Sergeant, what happened, Sergeant? Not
really.

You go down to the supermarket and get
me five dollars' worth of strawberries

a double of glass.

That takes care of the sardines. I put
in the sliced strawberries.

Strawberries and sardines? Under the rye
bread, he'll never know. Hey, Sarge,

here comes Hugo.

Everybody, eat the other sandwiches.

Oh, boy, isn't this... Hey, Hugo, come
on, pitch in.

Flaxman's mother just sent us a food
package. Try a delicious sardine

Oh, no, thanks. I don't want to ruin my
appetite.

We're having chow in a half an hour.
Don't we know it? That's why we're

now.

What's the matter? What are they
serving? Around here, we call it

stew. How about that boomerang stew?

Mr. Sergeant, maybe I will have a
sardine sandwich. Oh, be my guest. Go

ahead and enjoy it. That's delicious,
boy.

I want to tell you, those Norwegians,
they know what to do with a sardine.

Remind me to send your mother a thank
you note.

Delicious, huh?

Yeah.

It's good.

It tastes a little sweet.

Well, that's the newest thing. Sugar
-cured sardines.

Mr. Sergeant, I feel funny.

You do? What are the symptoms?

I don't know.

It's my rash.

The rash? My allergy is back.

Well, that's very interesting, since
there are no strawberries around here.

I must be allergic to sardines. Oh, good
heavens! And I gave him a sandwich.

I'll never forgive myself if anything
happens to him. Quickly, to the

Take this boy, this may be something
serious. Quickly, get him to the

Stand by and get ready for the third
act. It's a... What are you eating?

Strawberries and sardines. Delicious.

We all chipped in and brought some
flowers for our fallen comrades. Thank

sir. How do you feel, Hugo? I feel fine,
but I still got the rash.

They can't figure out what's wrong with
me. Well, did you work on it, say that?

The doctor says I have all the symptoms
of strawberry rash, but it couldn't be

that because I didn't eat any
strawberries. Well, they usually know

doing. Did you work on the plate?

Oh, yes, I finished it. You finished it?

Let's mail it in right away.

Oh, hiya, doctor. He's looking much
better. Thanks for the plate, Hugo. Just

minute, Sergeant. Did you get that from
Hugo?

He sure did, sir. All right, hand it
over. But sir, we have to put it... I'll

take that envelope.

Hugo, all your allergy tests have proved
negative, so we're going to proceed in

the theory that what you have is
something contagious.

Now, nothing that Hugo has handled can
leave this room. It might be contagious.

This is what we need, sir. It doesn't
leave this room, so please get out of

here. Oh, I see. Well, I don't think I
handled it long enough to catch

although I appreciate your concern. Let
me assure you, doctor, that I never had

measles, mumps, chickenpox like other
children do. As a matter of fact, nobody

in my family ever had anything like
that. Sergeant, what's the matter with

Nothing, sir. You just rubbed a small
amount. Oh, it's heaven. It's heaven.

Thank you.

What, sir? I don't know what. It's what
you just picked up from Hugo.

Now, please get in that bed.

Yes, sir. But I'll see the nurse about
getting you some pajamas and checking

in. Thank you, sir. Now, the rest of you
men, out.

Yes, sir.

Dublin, come here.

Sir, I'm afraid I might catch him.

Put down, Army Playwright Countess
Carol, you know the voice will tell you.

it in the mail right away. Right, sir.

Getting upstairs.

And then the blonde goddess kisses him
and that's the end.

Gee, that was great. Would you read it
to me?

Just what you had, Sarge. Hey, you look
great. Rest in your good, Sarge. Hi,

Hugo. I'd have stayed longer, but Hugo
got well.

Well, I see it's the same old bark, same
old filth and dirt.

How are the nurses?

Well, I'm not going to mention any
names, but may I tell you there was this

little doll. Hey, Sarge! Hey, Sarge!

How's it going? How you doing? Thank
you, sir.

Bilko, I just received news from
Washington.

News, sir?

Well, it won't be made public for a
week, but they have chosen the winner of

playwriting contest.

Oh, boy, this is it. And would you
believe it? There were over 750 entries.

750 entries?

Yep, and the Theatre Guild has read the
winning play and agreed to produce it on

Broadway this fall.

Sir, I hate to impose upon your
generosity, sir, but could we have the

the winner in advance so we can make
certain preparations?

Yes, the winner was Corporal Lionel
Atwater of Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

Let's call for a cheer.

for Lionel Atwater of Fort Sill,
Oklahoma.

Well, the man is clearly an imposter,
sir. There's only one thing that puzzles

me, Bill Cole. Out of all the plays
submitted, there wasn't one single entry

from Fort Baxter.

And all your men so interested.

Oh, well.

Thanks again, Bill Cole. Thank you, sir.

One entry from Fort Baxter.

Dopamine?

Sir, I did exactly what you told me to.
I addressed the envelope and put it in

the mail.

You did?

Are you sure you put enough stamps on
it?

Stamps? You didn't tell me anything
about stamps.

Yes, sir.

Technically, he's right. I didn't tell
him about stamps.

You blew it, huh, Satch?

Don't you worry, you don't. This is just
a temporary setback. I promise you that

play is going to be produced, and I'm
going to produce it. Let me do this.

Last minute notes are very important.

Electrician, that magenta spot is too
harsh. Tone it down a bit. Give me a

little expression and then props.

I want real magnolias. I want the
audience to be able to smell it. And

second act curtain, you're rushing it.
Close in with expression.

Come on, we've only got 15 minutes. Get
your crew ready.

Hey, how's the author? How are you
feeling? You'll go.

Sergeant Biltle, I'm so nervous. Of
course you are. Every author is. Go out

front, get a seat in the back of the
house and don't let the cat see you.

superstition. They don't like that.

I'm in.

Ha!

I hear some last -minute suggestions on
the way I think the part should be

played. Bear this in mind.

Big Papa is the man of the soil, but
proud. Proud and elegant. But he's been

beaten down by life until he's a hulk of
bitterness, of anguish. And that's the

way I want the part played.

Did you hear that, son?

Now, you do exactly what you're supposed
to do. Do it like he said.

He changes it every day. I know, but the
impetus... I can't do it if I don't

feel it. But I'm trying. Give me
something that'll sink my teeth into it.

do it. At every rehearsal. Where's my
motivation?

Where's my motivation? I've given you
the motivation. But the...

Don't get temperamental. Please, we're
on. Let's go on stage. Everybody on

stage, please. You heard him. All right.
He knows what he's doing. He knows what

he's doing. He knows what he's doing.
Come on, on stage, everybody. Oh, honey,

look, the pot you're playing, Blanche,
is a woman of fire and passion. But

where's my motivation? Where is it?
Never the motivation. You'll find. Look,

and me. Please, not before I go. All
right, everybody on stage, hold it.

Who are you?

I'm the...

Also seen in tonight's cast were Jack
Hartley as Mr. Buckley, Nelson Olmsted

Captain Masters, Hope Sandsbury as Mrs.
Hall, and Jimmy Little as Sergeant

Grover.

Now, stay tuned for more of our farewell
to Phil Silver's Invertivision.