All language subtitles for phil_silvers_show_s02e20_bilko_enters_politics

Thank you.

Mayor Burke, you've just got to do
something about those soldiers from Fort

Baxter. Now, tell him what happened to
you last Saturday night, Gloria.

Never. Never. Oh, now, go ahead and tell
him. He's the mayor. Talk to him as you

would a family doctor.

What happened, Miss Bundy? Well, I was
standing on the corner when this jeep

full of soldiers came around the corner
on two wheels, and one of them... Oh, go

ahead, Gloria. Be brave.

One of them whistled at me. At you?

Yes.

and the streets of Roseville are no
longer safe for respect, will you? I'm

sorry, yes?

A sergeant will go to see you. He says
you know him. I do. Throw him out. Now,

Mayor Burt, we meet again. The plans
have just been... You'll be... That's

That's the man.

What did you do, Mayor? What happened?
It's you.

You're the one that whistled at me last
Saturday night.

I whistled at you? Yes.

I?

Yes. Now, be absolutely sure this is
very important to me. I just took a

physical. I whistled at you. No, I don't
know what this is, but I'm not

interested. Is there any wonder he's a
great mayor?

This is no yes man. This is a man that
wants proof. And here it is, your honor,

the plans for the new serviceman center.

A serviceman center? Well, I like to
think of it more as your first stepping

stone to the governor's mansion.

And I like to think of it as another
typical duco gimmick to get his stick

in the city's treasury.

You see it? You see the greatness here?
This is no minor bureaucrat. This is...

I whistled at you?

Yes, I passed it, you beast. Well, the
facts are, Mayor, for $5 ,000, we can

take the old Hodges Mansion, reconvert
it, a little painting, and... One

Sergeant. And who is going to put up the
$5 ,000?

Don't you admire this? This man is a
dreamer, but a realist. This man... Yes.

Well, the answer is no.

Nobody is interested in bringing more
soldiers like you to Roseville.

Your Honor, may I point out that this is
an election year. The publicity will be

splendid for you. There'll be pictures
of you dedicating the new serviceman

to TV cameras, newsreels. Why, sir,
it'll make you... It'll make you... Out!

But, Governor... Out!

Senator... Out! Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United... Don't you

see... Do I have to call the police to
have them throw you out? May I remind

this is an election year and perhaps
your opponent... My opponent?

Sergeant... I haven't had an opponent
against me in the last 15 years.

Now take your plans and get out.

And I thought this was a democracy.
Well, good day, ladies.

Hi, old Mayor Burke.

You couldn't make the deal with the
mayor for the service club, could you?

But there's an election coming up. Back
home in Brooklyn. That's when the deals

are made.

Sure, because Brooklyn is a democracy.

It's a two -party system.

Roseville is a little kingdom, and Mayor
Burke is the king.

Ah, forget about it, Charles. No, no,
no. There's more at stake here than a

service center. We've got to bring the
two -party system back to Roseville.

How? How? What a... How?

What's the matter with me? Why didn't I
think of this before?

We'll run our own candidate for mayor.

We're going to run a mayor? You're going
to run a soldier for office?

Yes, it's legal. As long as the soldier
is drafted and he promises not to

campaign, he can run. It's a federal
law. I looked it up. But, Sarge, how can

soldier get elected? You know how that
town feels about us. And, Sarge, not

us, his fellow soldiers can vote for
him. We're all registered in our

He ain't got a chance of being elected.

Who wants him elected?

Well, then why all this? I just want to
throw a scare into his honor, Mayor

Burke. A scare that'll make him make a
deal. What deal?

Well, the minute he hears we've got an
opponent, we make a deal. We withdraw

candidate and he gives us the service
center.

I'm telling you, it's good, clean,
honest politics.

Who are we going to run for mayor?
What's the difference?

Hey, Sarge, how about you? As long as
the guy is honorable, he's got a good,

clean, honest record.

What were you saying?

Nothing. Nothing.

How about Paparelli? He's honest.

Paparelli? I don't think he's a citizen.

I think we captured him in Italy. He's
just sort of tagged along.

How about the colonel? Oh, too risky.
He's liable to get elected and then

really in trouble.

Well, then how about Zimmerman?

Zimmerman? Have you forgotten that
little business with the waitress last

with the vigilantes we had to join? You
forgot that so soon, huh?

Well, then who?

Who? Who?

What is the matter with me?

Right here in our platoon, the perfect
candidate. We got a candidate?

We can't miss.

We got a guy that's like a beacon of
purity.

He's got the three requisites to run for
a mayor.

One, he's never been in any scandal with
a woman. Two, his lips have never

touched liquor.

Three, he's never been heard to utter in
a political opinion. As a matter of

fact, no opinion at all. He's perfect.

He's perfect. He's never been affiliated
with any political party. As a matter

of fact, he just barely made the human
race.

He's perfect.

Could you call me Sarge?

I didn't call you.

It was the voice of the people who
called you, Dwayne.

The voice of the people? Yes, your true
worth has finally been recognized.

Now they want you up on a pedestal. They
want to look at you as a man with

honor, a man with responsibility.

Sarge! Take it easy, Dwayne.

I'm a corporal!

You have your idea, but he asks so
little out of life, Corporal. That is

nominate... No. It's got to be by
acclamation. Get the platoon in here

away. Let's go. Let me come with you.

All right, step it up. Everybody, let
me... What's up, Sarge?

Gentlemen, I give you the Honorable
Dwayne Doberman for mayor.

Dwayne Doberman?

Me?

Your Honor, come back here. Sarge, why
does it always have to be me? Now, look.

You're going to run for mayor, and I
want to have no more talk about it. Oh,

don't! I'll die. You won't. Now,
gentlemen, I want you all to get behind

Dwayne Doberman for Mayor bandwagon.

You like the way you're treated in
Roseville?

You look forward to those gay Saturday
nights when you have to dance with each

other? Do you like that?

Well, you listen to me. Get behind this
thing and in 30 days I promise you your

own service center.

Honest? Yes.

Campaign talk? This is a promise. Isn't
that right, Mayor?

Mayor!

You'll have to stop abdicating. Now,
listen to me.

What do you want us to do, Sarge? How do
we go about it? First of all, are you

with me?

Now,

look, we've got to run this like a real
military campaign.

First thing we've got to do is get
campaign headquarters.

How about the empty store next to City
Hall?

Where I sold the army surplus last year?
Yeah, until they found out it wasn't a

surplus. All right, all right.

Print that stuff for two days. Go, Mads.
Get to the post printing office. Tell

them to print up thousands of pamphlets.

Tell them it's for military propaganda.

I like the postman. Tell them they're
parading tomorrow. It's Doberman Day.

Now you, Marlon, I can trust you. Get
over to the jet air base. You know some

fellas there, right? Tell them they're
going to buzz the city tomorrow and drop

thousands of leaflets.

Now, here's what we've got.

Take a message for the local radio
station. Tell them it's a military

Let me see.

Bowing to public demand, Dwayne Doberman
has entered the candidacy for mayor.

Stop!

Mr. Donnelly, this is an honor, sir.
That'll be all, Miss Basie. When the

chairman of our party state committee
takes time to visit so unimportant a

as Roseville... Oh, Mayor, in an
election year, no town is unimportant.

No, sir, Roosevelt carries Clay County,
and this year we need every county.

Well, you don't have to worry about
Roseville.

I haven't had an opponent against me in
the last 15 years. Good, good. Just

checking to make sure nothing goes
wrong. What could go wrong?

Well, I understand. Just take a look
outside there and you'll see.

A

vote

for Doberman is a vote against
dictatorship.

We got rid of Hitler. We got rid of
Stalin.

Burke is next.

You knew nothing about this, King Burke.
He's asking Bilko to see you.

I knew Bilko was at the bottom of this.

I won't see him. Yes, your majesty.

What?

Get in there. Out, out, out. We'll be
out in a minute. The mayor just wants to

see his soon -to -be quarters. Now,
we'll have this all redone. Let me see.

panel. You see? Would you make some
notes? Just on O .P. I don't know what I

mean. Panels? How about the windows,
your honor?

Chintz. I think chintz is for him.
Chintz?

Try the chair, your honor.

A little snug around the hips, we'll
just have to wax the leather. I think we

have a few things to talk over. I'm D
.J. Donnelly, chairman of the state

committee. How very nice for you.
However, this guest will have to go.

you see?

French provincial.

You're not kidding anybody.

This campaign is a farce. A farce? Was
it a farce when you threw us out of the

office? Was it a farce when we simply
asked you for a serviceman's center? Is

that what this is all about? A
serviceman's center? Yes, and they're

to... Mayor.

Sergeant, I think this whole thing can
be cleared up in a very practical way.

By George, I liked you. The minute I saw
you, I liked you.

Cigarette. Thank you. Don't mind if I
do. That's very... Your Honor, you

get back to headquarters. This will
become a smoke -filled room, and you

how you are.

So naive.

Naive about politics.

Well, it is a lovely day, isn't it?
Lovely day. So much for the chit -chat.

here's the deal.

We want our own service center. You got
it. How soon can that campaign be

stopped? It's stopped. I liked you.
Liked you the minute I saw you. This big

dining room, we're converting that into
a billiard room.

Private, don't!

Private! What do you think of the Middle
East situation?

What do you feel about government days?
I'm sorry, gentlemen.

Doberman is not allowed to campaign.

It's against the law. We did it. We did
it. Good boy. We did it. Sarge, Sarge,

you mean?

We, we, we, we got it. The service
center.

Sarge, you're the greatest.

Folks, it's off. It's off.

Just a minute, folks.

Due to circumstances beyond our control,
Private Doberman has to withdraw from

the race. What do you mean, withdraw?

Burke's been in office too long.

Now, just a minute. Mayor Burke has done
a bang -up job.

Now, Doberman doesn't know the first
thing about... So what?

Look, I'm from the Chamber of Commerce.

Electing a soldier for our mayor will
put us on the map. Yes, and we want

Doberman. Come on, folks, please, try to
understand. It's his decision and his

decision... Wait, wait, wait. What is
it? I didn't get to shake his hand.

He just did the cutest thing.

Oh, he's adorable.

We're insane about doing it.

They like him. Why not? He brought us a
two -party system back to Roseville. My

paper's behind him.

Read my editorial tonight. We want a
mayor, not a king.

Folks, quiet a minute.

Doberman wants a caucus.

I do?

Yes, you do. Come here.

See what's happening here? This guy's
political dynamite. He can't miss.

Sergeant, you mean we're going to run
him? Yeah, but if he loses, we blow the

service at him. Yeah, if we win, we win
a city.

Let me handle it. Come on.

I have grand news for all of you, ladies
and gentlemen.

Doberman's hat is back in the ring.

No more slip -ups. We can't take any
more chances on this county. Yes, Mr.

Donnelly.

Yes? Oh, it's for you.

Oh.

Yes, hello?

Oh, hello there, Sergeant Bilko. What is
it?

Oh, Doberman is running.

What? Doberman is running?

Now, wait a minute, Sergeant. We'll add
a swimming pool, name bands, a bowling

alley. Hello?

He hung up. Oh, dear.

Give me the state party headquarters.

If this costs us the county, it's back
to the feed store for you. Oh, hello,

Andy. This is Donnelly on this end.
Look, we got a big problem in Clay

We got a serviceman candidate running
against Burke.

A private yet. Those fellas never miss.

Now, listen, I want to make this our
number one target.

Rush everything here. The best speakers.
The sunflower girls that pass out the

badges. And keep those presses running
day and night on those posters. We got

blast Burke into office.

Vote for Mayor Burt. Thank you, ma 'am.

Vote for Mayor Burt. Vote for Mayor
Burt. How do you do? Hello.

Vote for Mayor Burt. Oh, thank you. Vote
for Mayor Burt.

And Mayor Burt has served you faithfully
for 15 years.

If I am re -elected, I will continue to
serve.

This is not the time to change forces.

In the middle of the stream.

And who's our man?

Burke! Burke!

Burke!

Sarge, they plastered the town.

They got dames pinning badges on you
wherever you turn.

Guys talking in every street corner.
Sarge, they're swamping us.

What do you want from me? You know
there's a law against them campaigning?

But there's no law that says we can't
defend ourselves, is there?

Now, they just shot their boats, right?

Now we go into action.

You got a list of all the Italian
families in town?

Go, go, go.

Where's Gnowski?

I got the Polish man. Go, go. Shugie? I
got him, Sarge. Solid move.

Listen, Sarge, what about all that money
they're spending on radio?

We'll demand equal radio time. Right.
Those sunflower girls are murdering us,

Sarge, but I'll take care of it. Yeah,
yeah, I'll take care of that a little

bit.

I'll take care of it now. You guys, gas
up the jeep. I got to take them on a

whirlwind campaign tour. I got to make
every district, every farmhouse.

Sarge, I can't go through. Now, look,
the law is on your side. You don't talk.

Keep your mouth shut.

Don't say a word. Where is it? Right
here, Sarge, here.

Now, you hold that.

Sarge, you're dumb!

A campaigning mayor has to kiss babies.

Practice. Now the counterattack is on.

Hey,

Sarge, she's kind of cute.

Come on, come on.

Goldman is a soldier.

We don't want sympathy.

Forget that he is a soldier, but just
remember that he would have been here

tonight if his war wounds hadn't acted
on him.

Yes, lady,

the shrapnel on his shoulder.

Constant pain. It's the pain that gives
him the compassion to understand his

fellow citizens.

And so, friends of Radioland, I leave
you with one question.

Which has never been answered yet.

Where? Where was Mayor Burke on the
night of December 12th? A night when

law -abiding citizen were in their bed.

Well, it sure was a pleasure meeting
you, Mr. Simpson. Be sure to drop in on

Saturday. I want you to meet my
daughter.

I'll be there. Good.

Bill Berman, that's the man.

What's the trouble? What's the trouble?
Isn't it obvious?

Indecent exposure.

Indecent exposure. Oh, yes, do your
duty. It's been a city law since 1805.

Dresses must stay down to the angles.
Oh, please, cover them up and get these

poor misguided soldiers.

A soldier can't walk on. Wait till the
chaplain hears about this. No, no, no.

I'll cover her. I'll cover the... Oh,
you poor darling. What have they done?

for three days.

What can I do? They've declared this a
war games area.

Well, I'll do something then.

Why

aren't

you out making speeches?

How can we? The minute we get a crowd
together, they start running. Running?

Why? You'd run too if a tank came at
you.

How about you? The minute they see me on
the street, they blow the air raid

siren. And then I'm rushed into a
basement.

Mr. Donnelly! Mr. Donnelly! What is it
now? The Sunflower Girls are in jail

again. What for?

Molesting a citizen. What citizen?

Oh, wait a minute. I've got it right
here. Never mind.

Ernest Bilko?

Yeah. He claims he was bitten on the
ear.

That's the last straw.

Come in.

Oh, Sergeant Bilko, the enlisted man's
Jim Farley. Yes, isn't it exciting, sir?

Bilko, I called you in here because...
Yes, I know. so you want to make a

statement about Dwayne Doberman running
for mayor. That's why I had Sergeant

Grover prepare this tape recorder. We
don't want to miss a golden syllable you

want us, sir. Good.

I just happen to have a statement ready.
I think it's time I set the record

straight. Splendid. Is it on?

Testing, one, two, three. Hello, Max.
Hello, Max. Testing, one, two... All

for you, Colonel. Go right ahead, sir.

I think the whole idea of Dwayne
Doberman holding public office is

insane, ridiculous, and perhaps the
greatest achievement of finagling and

ever to happen to the United States
Army.

According to Army intelligence tests,
Private Doberman is a man with no

noticeable intelligence, no experience,
and is probably not the brightest

soldier in the world. I don't know about
you folks, but if I could vote, I would

burn down the polls before I would vote
for Dwayne Doberman. Got it. How's that?

Is that what you wanted? Well, sir, it's
an honest opinion.

Would you mind signing this release,
sir, giving us permission to use any

of that speech?

You see, our radio time is limited, sir.
I certainly will. Thank you very much,

sir.

Here we go. Back to work. Move it. Move
it.

Get that. Fix it.

Well, let's hear it.

I think the whole idea of Dwayne
Doberman holding public office is

Cut on the word idiotic. And cut from is
to the word greatest and then take out

finagler. And from there on, you cut out
all the no's. You understand?

Right. Have it at the radio station in
time for the 11 o 'clock radio news. All

right. Come on. We've got to do some
more campaigning. Charge my feet. I am.

At the top of the news today is the long
-awaited statement by Duane Doberman's

commanding officer. It was just rushed
here from Fort Baxter. Here it is.

I think the whole idea of Duane Doberman
holding public office is perhaps the

greatest achievement ever to happen to
the United States Army. According to

intelligence tests, Private Doberman is
a man with intelligence, experience, and

he is probably the brightest soldier in
the world. I don't know about you folks,

but if I could vote, I would vote for
Duane Doberman.

How does he stand on crop rotation?

How does he feel about parity?

How does he stand on farm patrol?

Friends, let me assure you, if he could
talk, he would answer every one of those

questions, and I assure you, he would
agree with each and every one of you.

Isn't that right, flower boy?

As we call him back home on the farm,
flower boy.

Is he really a farmer?

Is he a farmer?

Miss Fondy, tell them what happened.

He whistled at me. At you?

Yes.

And that was Bilko, the man behind
Doberman. As for the candidate himself,

Doberman's a bachelor. He knows nothing
about the problems you mothers face from

day to day.

I point with pride to my six children
and my lovely wife, who is president of

your women's club.

Yes, Doberman is a bachelor, but it
isn't his fault.

Look at him, ladies.

Does he look like the type of man who
doesn't want to have a family?

I give you Private Doberman, an eligible
papa who's looking for a...

Is it any wonder he's a bachelor? All
you beauties are married.

Oh, Sarge. Oh, I know you from
someplace. I saw your picture on the

Vogue now, didn't I?

Oh, come now, Sarge. No, no, no. What
was your stage name? I won't tell

What was your name?

Mrs. Sheila.

All right, let me see you.

All right, your honor, you look
wonderful.

Sarge, I can't go through with it. If
you can't, miss, just make the speech I

told you. Let me hear it.

Citizen. Citizens of... He'll never
relate. You might as well read it. Here

is. Read it.

Citizens of Roosevelt, at least I... At
least? Where does it say? At last. At

last I am allowed.

At last I am allowed to speak...
Directly. Directly to you.

Directly to you.

From the bottom of my heart... Point.
Point. At this point. No point.

Point.

I say to you, let's roll up our sleeves
and make Roseville a decent place

for kids to grow up in.

We've got to do one thing.

He may not read well, but he does sound
indistinct, right?

All of us are ready. Here we go. Now,
remember, the first law you pass when

you're mayor, you legalize gambling.

Remember that. Sure, sure.

What is it?

Could I take my doll with me? Give him
the doll.

Gentlemen, I present the First Lady of
Roseville. Come on.

And in conclusion, may the best man win.

That was the incumbent, Mayor Burke.

And now for the candidate, Private
Dwayne Doberman.

Citizens of... I can't go through with
it.

Folks, I don't want to be mayor.

I want to stay in the army.

Mayor Burke is a good mayor.

Just finagled yourself out of a service
center.

Well, I am surprised at you, Mr.
Donnelly. You with your political

didn't understand what went on here?
What do you mean?

Are you kidding? You don't think we're
going to waste a political powerhouse

like Goldman on a small thing like the
mayorship, do you? What are you talking

about? I'm talking about next year.
We're running him for governor against

candidate. Governor?

Wait a minute.

You're a very smart man.

Well, thank you very much. It's nice of
you to say that. However, here's the

deal. We want our own service center.
You understand that? You've got it.

Have you got a candidate?

We don't have one.

Like you the minute I saw you. The
minute I saw you, I thought you were...

a minute. I want to make one more deal
with you. What's that? You just give me

your word that you'll stay out of
politics for the rest of your life, and

see to it that you get a swimming pool.

A swimming pool?

Harry Gresham as Mayor Burke, Humphrey
Davis as Donnelly, Margaret Hamilton as

Miss Fondy.