All language subtitles for The Phil Silvers Show s03e09 Cherokee Ernie

Over hell, over there.

Hey, not really. Let me have your hair
done. Sorry, sir. I just used up the

drop. I even put some on my eyebrows.

Boy, what a furlough this is going to
be.

Yeah, two weeks away from Fort Baxter.
No motor pool, no grease, no revelry,

just at home with the wife.

The wife, the kids, my mother -in -law,
the neighbors are now.

Boy, what a dish I got waiting for me.
She can't wait for me to get off the

Hey, where's Bilko at that welfare fund,
though? My train leaves in half an

hour.

have to hitchhike to Staten Island.

Just think.

I'm not for birth. All to myself.

Hey, Goldman, the train leaves in half
an hour. Why aren't you dressed?

I am.

If you were a building, you'd be
condemned.

There they are. Feast your eyes. There
they stand, the Fordbacks, the Bo

Brummels. Oh, it isn't fair. It isn't
fair, the army, to turn all this charm

loose on unsuspecting women. Hey, Sarge,
smell my eyebrows.

Oh, pepper, really? You slide dogs,
you'll go wild.

I need to lose right there, Sarge. Just
give me a break. Right in the head. I'm

in a hurry. Can I have mine in silver,
Sarge? You can't put dollar bills in a

candy machine.

You better get a car, Sarge. Papa
Barbelli, will you please accept my

You were right. I was wrong. I said no.

No, they're much too sensible to spend
all this money on one wild spree. Why

should they blow months of hard -earned
saving on two weeks of reckless abandon?

No lectures, sir. I've just put the
money right there. On my own time, I got

right to be reckless. You're the one
that surprises me, Fender. I always

at you as the elder statement of this
group. I thought of you as the Bernard

Baruch of the platoon. And look at you,
turning young and foolish. Well, it's

about time, sir.

That's the way you want it.

Personally,

I think the perfect place for a furlough
is right here in Fort Baxter. Fort

Baxter? Personally, I think you're nuts.

Is it nuts to say, see Fort Baxter
first? Is it nuts to say, find your own

happiness in your own backyard? All
right, I guess majority rules.

Okay. Have you ever heard that old
proverb, the grass seems greener in

Hurry up with the farewell speech,
Sarge. Just the money. Yes, Sarge. All

Just think.

Would it be wiser to let our little nest
egg grow and grow on them next year?

Really have a furlough for ourselves?
What do you fellas think? Oh, I'm for

Great idea, Sarge. Now, that's two. The
rest of you, give me a show of hands. So

long, fellas.

I'm starting a hitchhike right now.
Wait, wait, wait. I should have... What

money? Well, the money in the wealth.
What?

Just think of beautiful Port Baxter with
its shaded swans.

The birds at even time. What happened to
the money, Sarge? And it better be a

good story. I don't need any stories for
you, Mullen. When you put that money in

the welfare fund, it was like putting it
in a bank.

Did the bank run out of money?

I don't want grudges.

Don't start giving me the grudges.

You know that banks don't run out of
money. But, no, you have to make a

wise. Did the banks run out of money? If
you know nothing about financial

statements, keep quiet. All right, let's
put it this way. The bank didn't run

out of money. No.

The horse ran out of the money.

It seems such a sound investment.

The jockey promised me he could fix the
race, but he lied. Can you trust people

these days, can you? There goes a
beautiful dream.

How about that? A furlough at Fort
Baxter.

Oh, sorry.

How could you? It just isn't like you.

Oh, it's like him, all right.

But how could you? Fellas, I promise. I
achieve.

I achieve.

Charlie White Eagle always pays his
debts. Here's the 20 I owe you. 20?

Chief.

How are you, there, White Eagle noble
friend, you know?

Personally, the bond between the red man
and the white man has always been

sacred to me. Knock it off, Bilko. I
need every dime I've got. When I get

from my furlough, though, I can let you
have some.

Back from your furlough? You're going to
have money when you get back from your

furlough? I'll be loaded.

Look, turn me down if you want to, but
please, don't give me stories. No story,

Ernie. Honest engine.

I live near the Tulsa oil field. Oh, I
see. I suppose you get the overflow.

Well, in a way. You see, when those guys
from the oil field hit town on Saturday

night, there's more poker games than
there are tables.

No kidding. No kidding, Sarge. You never
sausage a bunch of crazy guys. They

don't care what they do with their
money. They just like to throw it

They don't care whether they win or they
lose.

They don't care?

Sarge, I tell you, for a guy who's got a
pack of cards, it's a paradise.

Sarge? I can't talk. My mouth is
watering.

20 bucks. Apparently.

Sarge. Not your train. My train. And the
boys' train. I promise you're going to

have a furlough. All I ask you is to
stand by until I hit that game tomorrow

night. Boys, you're going to get this
money. I'll wire it to you. I'll wire it

to you. Is that a promise, Sarge? Did I
ever lie to you?

I can hardly wait to get to that happy
hunting rally.

doesn't start till tonight.

Oh, meanwhile, we're going to check in
at my house. You're going to stay with

folks. Oh, really? Hey, that's nice of
you, White Eagle. Is it all right with

you folks? Well, you know, there's an
old Indian saying, there's always room

the wigwam for one more. How about your
parents? I mean, are they, you know, old

-fashioned? A little bit. You know how
parents are. But you'll like them,

especially my sister.

Your sister?

Yeah, Shauna Tuma. She's a wonderful
girl.

Shauna Tuma.

That's a lovely name. What does it mean?
It means Moonlight Maiden. Ah, you'll

love her, Bilko. She's real sweet.

Charlotte Tillman.

Moonlight made me.

I got to go to the shop.

To see his love, Shauna Tuma, handling
her gift.

How beautiful!

Will you get such beautiful beads?

Running fox makes smart deal.

Running fox sell Manhattan.

How gorgeous!

Bravest warrior in tribe.

Running fox is tall and straight as an
arrow. Swift as the wind. So strong, so

handsome. Shauna Tuma speak the truth.

Fox know how Shauna Toomer feel.

Running fox also love running fox.

See wolf.

We get wolf. Running fox never miss.

Where is the dare wolf hide? He think he
hide from running fox. But running fox

go and get wolf.

Running fox is Arab like great and true.

Right in the labanza.

Fox, hear war drums.

Running Fox must go and join tribe who
go on war path.

When will Shauna Tuma's warrior return?

Only when the rains have come and gone.
And when the wheat is high and the grass

grows green and the moon is filled
again.

You mean?

Thursday.

Shauna Tuma, wait for me.

Running fox walk.

Sorry.

Hey,

this is where we get off. Come on. I've
got to kiss her goodbye.

Hey, come on. The folks are expecting us
for dinner.

Oh, yeah.

Dinner. Will Shauna Toomer be there? She
never misses a meal.

You know, I never had dinner with an
Indian family. What's it like?

Oh, there's nothing to it, Ernie.

We just go out and kill a buffalo, and
then after dinner we sit around and

a peace pipe. Well, okay, the fire
water's on me. Let's get to bed.

Kid brother, Deerfoot. I ain't had
Deerfoot. Well, get that Deerfoot stuff.

I'm a space operator.

See you later. I got a glass of stuff.

Okay,

Mom, what's for dinner? We're starving.
I made your favorite, corned beef and

cabbage. You and that buffalo meat. Hey,
what are we doing standing out here?

Come on in. Thank you. Can I get you
anything, Mr. Bilko? Would you like to

up before dinner? Oh, thanks very much.
Everything's just fine.

What are you looking for, Ernie?

Tomahawks? Oh, come on.

Say, Mom, where's Shauna Tuma? I'll call
her.

Shauna Tuma!

Raised in a nice American home.

I'll go see to dinner.

It'll only take an hour. Come on,
Shawmy. Come and help Dad.

All right, Mother.

Now make yourselves at home. Thank you.
Hey, I don't want to butt in. It'll take

an hour. She said we've got to get to
Tulsa. Oh, that's right, Sarge.

Hey, Mom.

Mom, listen. We won't be able to wait
for dinner. We've got to leave for Tulsa

right away. We won't be able to wait.
Hey, now, where are you going? You just

got here.

Yeah, we've got some business in Tulsa.
It'll only take us a few minutes and

we'll be right back. Oh, now, wait a
minute.

All right, folks.

Silver Star, sorry to bust in on you
like this.

Well, what is it, Black? We've got
trouble. They've damned up Culver Creek.

Culver Creek?

But they can't do that. Charlie, did you
hear that? They've damned up Culver

Creek. Damned it up?

Did you hear that, Ernie? They'll do it
every time. Let's get to work.

Terrible. If Culver Creek's damned up,
we won't have enough water for our

cattle. That's bad. There goes the
ranch.

What do you mean, there goes the ranch?
Well, you can't run a ranch without

water.

How long have you been using this water?
All our lives.

Well, then you automatically got the
rights. It's the law of perpetuity. It's

simple. Come on, kid, let's go. Hey,
wait a minute. The sergeant's right.

he knows the law.

Sergeant, will you come with us and tell
it to the Indian agent? You say it's so

good. I'd like to, but we got a little
business in Pelton. Oh, come on down. I

see the Indian agent, Ernie. It'll only
take a few minutes. Look, White Eagle,

the guys are waiting for me to call them
about the prison. Oh, please, Sergeant

Bilko. We'd appreciate it. Hi, Sarge.

Well, all right.

After all, you were nice enough to show
the pilgrims how to plant corn. Come on.

I don't know if I should do this.

All right. Yes, what can I do for you?
Go ahead, Sergeant Bilko. Speak for us.

On behalf of these people, I'm here to
protest the damning up of Culvertree.

moment. What's your name?

Ernest G. Bilko. Now, these people...
You're a lawyer, Bilko?

No, but... You're an Indian, Bilko? No,
but now... No buts. Only an Indian or

their legal representative can negotiate
for any tribe. Now, isn't that a little

unfair? That's all, Bilko. I'm a very
busy man.

This law was designed to protect the
Indians from greedy opportunists. Greedy

opportunists? Get this straight. I was
merely standing in the living room. I

wanted to go to Tulsa. That's right. We
asked Joe... I'm sorry. We have our

rules. You come back when you're a
lawyer or an Indian.

I'm busy.

Well, I tried. I'm sure you can work it
out. Come on. Wait a minute. I think

I've got it. What? Look, the man said
only a lawyer or an Indian could

negotiate. So? All right. We'll make
Vilco an Indian.

An Indian? That's right, Sarge. We could
make you a blood brother. We could

perform the ceremony right here.

What will we have to do?

I don't know.

Dad, how's it done?

I don't know either.

All right. When you think of it, wire
me. I'll be in Tulsa. No, wait, Sarge.

My father should remember.

That's right, Sarge. Grandpa would know.
Come on, Ernie. Now, look, you know the

boys are waiting to hear from me. Let's
get the culture. Ernie, please, it won't

take long. Oh, would you, Sergeant?

Well, all right.

After all, you did show us how to play
lacrosse. Come on.

Well, well. Have you thought of it yet,
Father? You ask him to hurry it up, kid.

Think, Grandfather, think. How can we
make him a blood brother?

Ah.

First you take paw of mountain lion. Paw
of mountain lion. Root from juniper

bush. Root from juniper bush. Feather
from hawk tail.

I think he's got it. Is that it?

No.

That poison for arrowhead. Poison.

Why don't you just adopt me?

Wheat. Wheat. I think he's got it now.
Dick Bach from boot street.

Bach from bird street?

No. That's for canoe.

This can go on all day, kid. We gotta
get out of here.

Think, think.

Memory failing.

You have to ask someone older and wiser.
Older and wiser? Yes.

My father. Oh, now it's his father.
Look, this is getting ridiculous. First,

didn't know. Your father didn't know.
Your grandfather didn't know. Your great

-grandfather... Look, when we get the
sitting bull, I'm quitting. Come on,

go.

La Jolla.

Hey, this blood brother ceremony ain't
bad. This tastes pretty good.

Now you've eaten heart of rattlesnake.

You facing Mowgli Moongar.

Nuna here.

Oh, I... Scott, excuse me. I get them
both mixed up all the time. Oh, great

Nuna. Welcome this pale face into
Cherokee tribe and save place for him

in happy hunting ground.

Now you smoke peace pipe, you blood
brother of track. Oh, boy. That makes me

official, huh? Hey, that's a pretty long
ceremony, Chief. How did you remember

it? Who remembers it? Just seen John
Wayne movie.

Son of son of son of father does not get
peace pipe. He's right. Son of father's

son's father gets peace pipe. No,
father's son of every son's father gets

pipe. No, no, father's father's son. No,
grandfather, you told me two weeks ago.

No, wait a minute. Son of nobody will
get peace pipe. We'll be here all year.

Where is it?

On wall.

Oh, here it is.

Well, I guess you haven't used this in
years.

There's paper on it. Is this anything?

Something must have just, you know,
looks like a document of some kind.

There's some writing in this. Wait a
minute.

It looks official.

It says, Treaty between Cherokee Nation
and the Government of the United States

for the Territory called Owitashi.

Imagine this.

It's a treaty paper. This must be over
100 years old. What does that mean,

Owitashi? Oh, that's the Indian name for
Oklahoma.

Oh. It says, Be the Chiefs of the Five
Tribes. Hereby grant authority for the

landowners of Owitashi.

And it's signed by the Chiefs of the
Five Tribes.

Wait a minute.

There's only four signatures here. It's
only signed by four chiefs. That's

right. My father, Chief White Cloud, no
sign.

He no like treaty.

Do you know what this means?

This means that Oklahoma belongs to us.
Us?

Yes, us Cherokees. Give me that pipe.

From now on, you Cherokee brave, you'll
be called bold Englishmen.

You've got the whole state. I'm going to
make you governor. You're going to be

the senator. And you, Daddy, I'm going
to make you coach at Oklahoma U.

That's it, huh?

Yes, sirree.

What do you want now, Bilko? The name is
Bald Eagle.

Oh, you became an Indian since you left
here. You can say that again. I went

through a whole ceremony. I even ate
rattlesnake. Bald Eagle is right. We

him a blood brother.

Now he's an Indian paleface.

Well, what's on your mind, Bilko?

All right. What do you want, Bald Eagle?
Only what rightfully belongs to us

Cherokees. And what is that? Oklahoma.

May I use your phone?

Hello, miss. Get me the Tulsa Herald.
Don't you worry.

You'll be well taken care of for your
kind cooperation.

I'll see that you get the blanket
-selling concession at the railroad

See, that's it. Hold the front page.

Bald Eagle have a plenty big story.

From all corners of Oklahoma, Indians
are gathering to back the claim of their

new leader, Bald Eagle, that Oklahoma
belongs to the Cherokees.

Here we see Bald Eagle addressing the
assembled tribes.

He is talking to them in sign language.

Bald Eagle has just promised them a high
tariff and low taxes.

that Oklahoma will demand a seat in the
United Nations.

All right, all right, boys.

Simmer down, simmer down.

What's this all about?

I've been away for the weekend.

I wouldn't have called this meeting,
boys, if I didn't think it was serious.

The Cherokees are claiming that they
still own Oklahoma.

Now, I don't have to tell you what this
could mean to us. That's ridiculous.

I've asked Professor Stratton of the
Historical Society to sit in. Maybe give

some advice.

Clint, this is plum foolishness. Who is
this troublemaker, Bald Eagle?

Must be one of them out of town New
Yorkers. No, no, no. That's Bald Eagle I

found out is an army sergeant by the
name of Bilko.

Just one of them there honorary Indians.

Heck, why don't we give him a couple
hundred bucks and buy the carpet bagger

off? Yeah, you got it.

That's what I'm aiming to try.

He's waiting outside. Miss Henderson?

Yes. You get him in here, please.

Now, listen, boys, just leave this to me
when he comes in. All right, you can

have it.

How?

I may use you for some dictation.

Come in, brother Cherokees. How?

How?

Chief, this, of course, will be your
office. We'll have to change it around,

brighten up the colors. On the wall,
we'll have a lively mural.

Custer's last standing. Now,

look here, Belko. Here?

The name is Bald Eagle.

Now, Bald Eagle, you see here. I think
I'll just use this chair right here.

Eagle, will you?

Peace? The peace?

Now, you look here, Bald Eagle. You've
stirred up the whole state with this

phony claim of yours.

But we're going to be more than
generous.

We're prepared to offer you $500 to
withdraw this nuisance claim and get out

town. Gentlemen, please.

You are insulting a proud race.

There can be no compromise with justice.

Bill Coe, I'm a lawyer. I looked over
that treaty of 1873.

It was legal then, and it's legal now.
Yeah, you tell him that. Wait a minute,

you say you're a lawyer. I am. I think
as a lawyer you will agree no treaty is

legal unless it's signed by all the
principals. Am I right?

That's right. Would you mind examining
the copy of this treaty and tell me if

that's not legal, please?

I'm familiar with it. I know you are. If
you just count the signatures.

Hey, about the signatures by the throat.

Here's the governor's signature, and
here's the five Cherokee chiefs. One,

three, four.

Four? Well, come on, Calhoun. Keep
counting. He's through counting.

You see, the fifth Cherokee chief never
did sign this treaty. You couldn't put

anything over on him. He was a heap
smart engine.

I see that.

Now, what is really going on?

Now, come on, Calhoun, what does this
mean? Oh, gentlemen, I think we should

reasonable. Now, Chief Bald Eagle here
has been good enough to call this slight

inaccuracy to our attention, and I think
we should repay the gesture by raising

our offer a trifle from $500 to, say,
half a million. Half a million?

Please, gentlemen, I'll have to confer
with Elder Chief.

Detail, detail.

Refuse. It's out of the question.

Of course, Chief, we'll have to change
the name of Oklahoma back to its

name, Awatashi.

We'll get Rodgers and Hamstein to change
that musical of theirs.

And as the eyes of the nation are
focused on a little conference room in

Oklahoma... We still have no decision at
this point.

Apparently, Bald Eagle, who is really a
United States Army sergeant, is holding

fast to his position.

That's the news up until now. We will
interrupt our regularly scheduled

to announce any new developments that
might arise.

And now, a word about dog food.

Say, friends, I want to... Here is a
late bulletin that has just been handed

me. Bald Eagle has just turned down the
latest offer of $750 ,000.

Stay tuned for the latest news
development.

Look, what do you want?

Never mind Calhoun.

Bilko. I mean Bald Eagle. I'll tell you
what we're going to do. I want you to

forget this whole thing. And in return,
here's our check for a million dollars.

Well, now you're starting to get to me.
Now you just divide that among your

Cherokees and we'll all be happy.

Chief, how many Cherokees in Oklahoma?

Maybe $10 ,000? $10 ,000? Gentlemen, do
you realize that a million dollars

divided amongst $10 ,000 comes to $100 a
Cherokee? Why, any Indian worth his

salt can make more than that in one day
at Warner Brothers. This is ridiculous.

Let's talk business, Paul Eagle.

Just what would you consider a fair
offer? Well, rather than go through a

lengthy court dispute, I'd say $50
million.

$50 million? Well, that's ridiculous,
Bilko. If we give you that much money,

what's to become of us?

Don't be alarmed. We've thought of you.

You see, we're going to buy Palm Beach
and turn it into a reservation for you.

Oh, you'll be well taken care of. We'll
give you $2 million.

Gentlemen,

gentlemen, gentlemen, may I have your
attention for a moment? I refuse to be

blackmailed by this land grabber.

That'll cost you now $60 million.

You want to try for $70 million?
Gentlemen, I think I found the solutions

Hold it. Now, let's listen to a man of
learning. Perhaps he knows what he's

talking about. Go right ahead,
Professor.

As you know, I am an expat on the
Cherokee tribe, and this treaty is quite

legal. Now, you see, when a man knows...
How can it be legal if one of the

chiefs didn't sign?

Chief White, I'll tell you, wasn't
necessary on the document, since he was

nine years old at the time and still a
minor, even by Indian law. Gentlemen,

Cherokees have decided to accept your
kind offer.

The offer's withdrawn.

Come on, boys.

Wait a second. Take it away.

A string of beads and... I'm sorry,
blood brothers. I tried.

Bald Eagle.

The name is Bilko. Ernest G. Bilko. G
for greedy.

On behalf of the Oklahoma Historical
Society, I'm prepared to make you an

of $10 ,000 for this valuable document.

$10 ,000 for this antique of priceless
value? You offer a paltry $10 ,000?

You know, I... Professor, you got a
deal.

Sergeant,

my father's got great news. Tell him,
Pop.

Sergeant Bilko, I closed the deal. With
that money you got us from the

Historical Society, we bought the land
next door. Now we've got plenty of

Did you meet the boys in the platoon?

Many friends of Sergeant Bilko are
always welcome here. After all, he's our

blood brother.

Is that right, Sergeant? That's right,
paleface. This is my blood brother. This

is my blood father. I went through a
whole ceremony.

When they hear food, they go berserk.
Aren't you going to have some too,

It's you.

Hello.

Don't you remember me?

Have we met?

Oh, I'm sorry, Sarge. This is my other
sister, Rima. She just got in from

college. I'm running fox.

Don't you remember me? I shot the wolf.
I brought you beans.

Oh, well, we can talk about that at
dinner tonight. We do have a date for

dinner. Excuse me, Sarge, but Rima's
going out with us. But you'll be able to

see her at family reunion, Sarge. What
is it?

Sarge, if White Eagle is your brother,
then Rima's your sister. And no girl

likes to go out with her brother. Come
on, Rima, you're coming out with us. See

you, Sarge. See you later.

Oh, wait a minute. Is your grandfather
still out? Uh -huh. Here, tell him I

turned in my feather.

Rima, wait!

Also seen in tonight's cast were Ira
Lewis as Charlie White Eagle, Wiley

as the Indian father, Percy Verweyen as
the grandfather, Scott Moore as the

great -grandfather, John Anonia as Jimmy
Blackhawk, Fred Herrick as Clarkton,

David White as Clint, James Reese as
Professor Higgins, and Kay Strozzi as

Indian mother.