All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s03e12 Bilko at Bay

All right, we'll get everything packed
in the car. All right, what is this?

on, stop it. Wait, wait, wait. Remember,
you're in the army. Wait. So we're in

the army. How come we're working on your
jalopy?

You don't have to work on my jalopy. I
just remembered. Aren't some men needed

in KP?

Forget I mentioned it.

Early start in the morning. We can be in
New York by 12 o 'clock Thursday night.

Perfect. Right in time for my date
Friday morning at 3 o 'clock in the

You've got a date at 3 o 'clock in the
morning. What move?

Lois, the hatchet girl at the Copa.
What? But wait a minute. It's hard to 3

'clock in the morning. You can't go
anyplace. Everything's closed.

That's the beauty of it. As much as you
want to spend money on this charming

young lady, there's just no place to
spend the money. So what do you mean?

You get in your car, you drive out to
the George Washington Bridge, and you

watch the sunrise come in.

You dog.

All right, Ernie. Let's get down to
facts. All right. Come on.

Now, I've been doing some very careful
figuring on this furlough. The way I got

it figured, by the time we get finished
paying our expenses to New York, we're

going to be broke.

We don't have to stop at the expensive
hotels. We'll stay at auto courts.

Auto courts? The way I got it figured,
we're going to have to sleep in the car

every night. Let's not get panicked.
We'll save money on the gas and oil.

We'll find the right route wherever it's
downhill we coast.

Yeah, but look, Sarge, even if it was
downhill all the way from here to New

York, it still wouldn't help. The only
way we can save money is on food.

And we've got to eat.

Well, there's only one answer to our
problem.

We need more money.

Here, here.

Don't knock yourself out, Vampirelli.

How do I overwork the best man I got in
the platoon?

This gentleman is the worker. This is a
fellow you don't have to tell about to

do. This boy's got integrity. I ain't
got no money.

In conclusion... Sarge, please, don't
put the screws on me. You know I'm weak.

Don't talk me out of my dough.

If I've said it once, I've said it a
thousand times. The major fault in this

boy's makeup is his over -generosity.
Sarge, I'm saving that money to buy a

birthday present for my mother. If you
haven't got any pity for me, think of my

poor old mother in St. Louis.

You've got to fight dirty, huh? You've
got to bring in your mother, huh? Stop

wasting my time. Get back to it when
they get sleep.

They're bringing their mothers in St.
Louis.

If you don't want to eat... St. Louis.

Don't we go through St. Louis on our way
to New York? Yeah, we get there about

six o 'clock at night.

That really, let bygones be bygones.
Come and see your sergeant. Sarge, I

give you... No, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just thinking about your mother.
What time does she usually serve supper?

Between six and seven. Why?

Do me a personal favor. Run right out
and get your mother that birthday

because I'm going to deliver it to her
personally.

Gee, would you, Sarge? Of course, baby.

Oh, a fine Italian meal. That's a lot of
calories. That should last us till

about... Uh -huh.

Peoria.

Zimmerman, my little beaver boy. Come
here, Zimmerman.

Hiya, baby. I've been worried about you.
When's the last time you wrote your

mother? Well, it was too long. The poor
woman was probably worried to death.

Eager to hear from you, and you ignore
it. Well, you know what we're going to

do? On our way to New York, we're
stopping in Peoria, personally, to say

to your mother right about lunchtime.

Hey, fellas, do you hear that? It's time
to go to stop and see my folks.

All right, fellas. So well, tonight,
just to see their folks.

If you stopped in Madison, Wisconsin, my
folks would be tickled to see you.

Madison, Madison. Too far out of the
way, Lucas. You've been right. I'm

It's out of our way. Hey, Sarge, I think
we'd better head east for Indianapolis.

What are you, nuts? We can't take that
route. We hit this 25 -cent toll bridge

at Watsonville. No, we head straight.

Straight to Chicago.

Hey, Sarge, my family lives in Joliet,
Illinois.

It's right on the way. Good boy.

Hey, Mama Fleischman's sour broth with
the red cabbage.

Hey, my folks in South Bend would be
glad to see you. South Bend? Why not?

But, Sarge, that's only a couple of
hours after the sour broth.

A little homemade cake and coffee in the
afternoon is bad?

Hey, Sarge, will you be going through
Fort Wayne?

Fort Wayne? No, that's 50 miles out of
the way. Yeah, but my mother's famous

her roast beef. I can call her and tell
her you're coming.

50 miles out of the way? Let me see.

You get 50 miles to a gallon, it's about
33 cents average a gallon.

Spread it three ways, it'll be about 26
cents a piece.

Worth it? Worth it.

Telemedia brand.

I got a sister in Akron. You'll love
her. She's a million laughs. Gomez, I

like laughing on an empty stomach. Does
she set a good table? The best

enchiladas you ever tasted. I'm
laughing, Gomez.

I'm laughing.

All right. Say, Sarge, I told my mother
so much about you. Why don't you stop in

and I'll tune her? She'd love to see
you. Is she a good cook?

Look what her cooking did for me.

Sorry. That's too far out of the way.
Sorry.

But, Sarge! Look, on our way back, we'd
be glad to stop. We may take the scenic

route, but now it's out of our way. Let
me see. Where are we? Next stop,

Scranton. Anybody for Scranton? Yeah,
yeah, Sarge. My family lives only five

miles out of Scranton. And you're a
healthy boy. Good American meal.

Scranton does it fine. Now, next stop,
Broadway in 40 seconds.

We're going!

We're going! We're going!

We're going! We're going!

We're going! We're going! We're going!
We're going!

We're going!

And Mrs. Paparelli, she cooks up a
storm. Good greater.

Eat, boys, eat.

No, you are not eating. More?

Oh, it looks delicious.

Tell me some more about my boy, Dino. Is
he a good boy in the army?

Good, he's the best. I love him in the
whole camp, the colonel, the general.

Everybody loves him. Oh, my dear boy,
everybody loves him.

Mi paz, piacere, grazie, grazie, my
little Dino.

How about that, Mrs. Zimmerman? It's the
greatest invention in the world.

Mothers. Eat, boys, eat. And here is
some chicken fritter safe to take with

Oh, what I can hear. Write Mrs.
Zimmerman's name on a pot so it don't

up with the iron.

You know, Sergeant, very hard. for me to
believe that that son of mine is loved

by everybody in the camp. Oh, everybody
loves him, Mr. Zimmerman. I mean, Mr.

Mullen. They love him! They love the
boy! I hate to see things go to waste,

put the leftovers in this pot and you
can take it with you. Oh, you're very

sweet. Initial in this pot so we don't
get to mix up with the other.

See, Gomez, Gomez, he said his sister
was a great Mexican cook. I can smell

those enchiladas and chili now.

Where is it now? Gomez, Gomez?

What are you fellas looking for? Oh,
we're looking for the Gomez family.

Gomez? Oh, she ain't here. She went to
visit her sister in Albuquerque.

I was all ready to tell her what a great
soldier her brother is. Hey, Sarge, we

haven't eaten anything all day.

You know what we'll have to do? We'll
have to go to a restaurant. Are you

We came 1 ,600 miles without spending a
nickel on food. We're not going to start

now. Give me the map.

A few changes in plans and then... I got
it.

Brace yourself.

We're going to eat at a Doberman's
house.

Doberman's house?

That's an Altoona. That's a long haul.

Yeah, if I don't get some food soon,
I'll faint. Put yourself together. We'll

get in the car. We'll get lucky. We'll
hit a car. Come on.

Will you stop worrying? You act like
somebody's following you.

Hey, wait.

Let's see what the papers say about it,
sir. What does it say?

A handful of the bank robbers who made a
clean getaway with $50 ,000 suddenly

shifted to northern Wisconsin today.

Wisconsin? That's a break.

Yeah. All we got to do now is lay low
until Louie gets here, and then we split

up the loot.

What about this Mrs. Doberman? You think
she'll get wise being here for the

fishing season?

Why do you think we stopped by that fish
store and bought that fish?

Now stop worrying. Come on.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Doberman. Oh, hello, Mr.
Wilson.

Or is it the other way around?

You, Mr. Wilson, and you, Mr. Finch. I'm
Wilson, and he's Finch. Oh, dear, I get

so confused.

Now, you, Mr. Finch, remind me of a
Wilson. And you, Mr. Wilson, are

a Finch. Okay, then call me Finch and
call him Wilson. Oh, thank you. That'll

make it so much simpler.

Here, Mrs. Doberman, we had a good day.

Well, another sea bass.

However, did a sea bass get into a pond
and out tuna?

My very worst to Mr. Finch.

However, did a sea bass get into a pond
in Altoona?

But who are we to question nature's
ways?

How true, how true, Mr.

Finch. I'm Wilson.

Oh, dear.

No matter who you are, supper will be
ready in just a minute.

That Mrs. Doberman sure is a character.

Are you sure she's all alone here? Yeah,
she's got a son in the army. She showed

me his picture.

Well, just as well he ain't here now.

Don't worry. He looks like a jerk.

Oh, it's so exciting having you here.

Dwayne's told me so much about you.
Please, I don't want to disturb your

Oh, this is Mr. Wilson and Mr.

Finch. It's the other way around, but
they said I could do with it. How long

you figuring on staying? Oh, just long
enough to bring word to Mrs. Dolbin of

her boy Dwayne.

Oh, you must stay for supper. Oh, we
couldn't just barge in on you like this.

Well, if you do insist.

Oh, but first, I want to hear all about
Dwayne.

Oh, he's a fine boy. He's the finest
soldier we have in the entire camp.

Oh, is he all over his coat?

Delicate boy.

So right. And oh, look at your supper
getting cold and such a lovely supper it

is, too. Hot roast, natural gravy,
mashed potatoes, green beans, bread.

Are you sure Dwayne's all right?

You know, the last time he was home, I
didn't like his color. Oh, you should

him now. He's as brown as a partridge. I
mean, he's a very... Oh, please, I

insist. Don't let this impromptu little
visitor of ours disturb your supper.

Won't you sit down? Oh, well, you know,
you've only known Dwayne since he was

grown. He was a late walker, you know.
Well, I can see there's only one way we

can have these people sit down and have
their supper, and that is to join them.

Especially that one with the glasses.
Relax, will you? Maybe they'll blow out

here when they finish eating.

If they don't, we're going to be in
trouble. They'll see the newspapers and

they'll start putting two and two
together.

They're not dopey like the old lady.

Just don't get excited. We don't want to
start any trouble before Louie gets

here. Okay, okay, but I still say
that... Here they come.

When Dwayne was nine years old, he
really blossomed out.

When he walked down the street, people
would turn around and look at him. You

know they still do.

I wish I had more time to listen to
every thrilling moment of Dwayne's

fascinating childhood. But we really
must go.

Thanks for everything, Mrs. Dortman.
Yeah, that was great food.

I'm sorry to see you boys go. Well,
that's the way it is. C 'est la vie.

So long, gentlemen. I wish I'd gotten to
know you better.

Yeah, I ain't in a pity.

Well, good luck with your fishing. Oh,
they don't need any luck. They came home

with a sea bass that big.

Sea bass?

In our tuna?

No, really.

Oh, fishermen are so proud they hate to
come home empty -handed.

Probably bought it in the store.

And now, dear lady, we really must go.

Yes, goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye, dear. And good luck
with the sea bass. What?

Goodbye, Mrs. Doberman. And be sure and
give my boy a big hug for me. Dwayne?

Yes, I will. I'll smother him. Goodbye.

Did I tell you?

What we'll do?

We'll sleep in four -hour shifts.

I'll stop for... Wait a minute.

Maybe some of these pots will have mice
in the car. Well, it's time for

breakfast. Better roll.

They've been quiet with those soldiers
gone.

Yeah. That guy with the glasses was sure
a windbag.

Maybe a fluey.

What are you doing back here? Oh, you
boys are back.

Well, we hate to take advantage of your
hospitality, but our car broke down. We

won't be able to get a spare part until
the morning.

Well, stay as long as you like.

How's comfortable? Sweet.

You'll excuse me, won't you? Oh, why
don't you boys all play a game together?

Game?

Oh, what are you playing?

What is that?

Would you mind keeping quiet? I like to
concentrate on my game. Oh, go right

ahead. What's that other game fellas
play sometimes? Packer? What is it

Packer?

Poker! Oh, I've always been fascinated
by that game. I hear it's sometimes paid

for money. We don't want to play poker.
Well, I have very little card sense. You

could have used that. Why did you
discard that?

You thought it was a good card. You
spoke of the whole sequence there. All

possible... Brock!

Yeah?

Who won the ball game?

I don't know. Hench got the sports
section.

Hey, Sarge, I've been reading about that
bank holder.

Can you imagine?

These guys got away with 50 ,000 bucks.

Yeah, don't worry. They'll get caught.

If I was on the case, I'd have caught
them already.

You would? How? How? I'd look for them
in the right place.

What would you say the right place is?

Well, put yourself in the bank robber's
place. Where would you go?

You tell us. Well, I know one place you
wouldn't go. You wouldn't be out on the

open road with state troopers blocking
every turn.

Oh, you wouldn't? No.

You know what you'd do? You'd find a
nice hideout, an inconspicuous spot, a

boarding house.

Boarding house, right? Like this one
right here. Hey, this would be a perfect

hideout, wouldn't it? Yeah. We did find
a hideout. How can we be sure we won't

be spotted? Oh, that's it. Since you
pose as businessmen on a vacation, you

know, like hunters or something like
that. Or maybe even fishermen.

Hey, now you get the idea.

Fishermen is even better. You know why?
Because it's easier to get a fish than

to disappear.

Yeah, it is.

To make it look good. Every night they
would come home with a fish. They

showed... And?

Just remember, an all -night garage
where we can get some fish. I need some

spare parts.

You're going to stay right here with us
till Louie gets here.

Well, you obviously planned a reunion
with Louie. We'd only be... Shut up.

I'm so sorry to have to leave you boys,
but I've got to go to a garden club

meeting. Tonight we're discussing
nasturtiums.

I'm crazy about nasturtiums. I wish I
could go with you.

Why don't you? We'd love to have you.

glad you boys all got to be so friendly.

Now, if you get hungry, there's plenty
of food in the icebox.

Is there anything you want me to do for
you while I'm out? Yes.

No, I can't think of anything.

I'm so glad you boys decided to stay
over. You know, I don't like that night

driving. It could be dangerous.

What are you looking for?

I just want to make sure Finch didn't
hear me. You're a much more high

man than he is, and I'm sure he can come
to an understanding.

Yeah? Well, it's silly of you to waste
your time watching me. You know what I

mean? I have such a bad memory. If I
walked out of here, I'd forget your

your name, anything. Am I right, George?

George, my name is Rocco. See what I
mean? Like some people catch colds with

it's amnesia.

So it's silly of you to waste your time
watching us. We'll just run along. Sit

down.

You ever think of selling your life
story to a magazine? I got a good title

you. I was a fisherman for the FBI.

Shut up, Vinny.

I said you wanted a sandwich.

Yes. Oh, can I have some mustard,
please?

Thank you very much. Just some mustard.

There ain't no mustard. How about some
ketchup?

Is there any ketchup there? Would you
mind?

I sure wish Louie would... What are you
doing with that piece of... You know

what I mean, idle hands. You got nothing
else to do but make a little toy out of

it. I used to do this when I was a kid.
It's a compulsive thing to me. Remember?

Hey, listen, you guys have been here
some time. Do you know any girls? Tell

We can get together and have a party.
Doesn't he ever shut up? I've been

watching him for two hours. He ain't
shut up yet.

See what it is. You two fellas keep me.
Come over here, black man.

Come on.

What do you want, kid?

Mrs. Dominic, my mother sent me over to
borrow a cup of sugar. Sugar? Sugar?

Sure. There ought to be some sugar in
the kitchen.

Hello, little boy.

How are you?

Take it with you. It's a lot of fun. I
don't want it. No, no. Take it home and

show it to your mommy and daddy. Show it
to your daddy. It's fun. Fun.

I don't want it. I got a lot of fun.

Oh, no. This is fun. Take it. Leave the
kid alone. You and your crazy airplanes.

Crash landing.

Don't cry, little boy. I'll make you
another airplane. But I don't want it.

you go.

Here you go.

And look at this.

This guy was trying to send a message.

Oh, he was, was he?

Well, he ain't going to send no
messages.

I'm going to break his arm. Why break my
arm? Just break the pencil.

Oh, somebody at the door. I'll see who
it is. No, you won't. I'll see who it

Pickle's got him there. Come on, you two
guys. Come on.

Hiya.

sir. Am I glad to see you. What can we
do for you, officer?

Whose car is that outside? The one with
the Kansas license plate? Mine?

I'm out of town. I guess you didn't
notice. You're parked in a one -hour

You'll have to move it. Move it? I'll
move it right now. No, that's all right.

Go ahead. Finish your sandwich. I'll
move it. I just thought I'd tell you.

see, we like to give visitors a break.

Well, good night. Just a minute.

I don't think I like your tone.

Pardon?

I was asking you to move your car. There
you're doing it again. Move your car.

No, no. Don't push people around. Now,
look, buddy, I don't want to have any

trouble with you. It's all right,
officer. I'll move that car. Now, look,

keep at it. If you're not going to move
that car, he's going to move that car or

else. Or else, look at me, scared to
death. Or else, ha, ha, ha. All right,

white man, I get that you're coming
downtown.

Good. Let's go. Oh, Billy Stevens.

What are you doing here with Sergeant
Bill? It's all right, dear. He's

Oh, no, he's not going to do any such
thing. You're not going to arrest him.

He's just doing his duty. Now, don't try
to defend him. I've known him since he

was a little boy, and he's always been a
troublemaker. Now, you go on. Go, go,

go

Well, I guess I just got here in time.

You said they use perfect timing.

Lestie. They're asleep.

You can take them. Oh, yo.

Sergeant Bilko, get back. Me and my two
buddies trapped.

Oh, I'm glad to see you.

Let me handle this.

All right, up on your feet.

All right, you rats.

You never had me scared for a minute,
you punks. Louie! It's Louie.

It's Louie. What are you doing in that
ghetto?

Swiping from a state trooper. I figured
the cops wouldn't be looking for another

cop. Anybody else in the house? Just the
old lady. She's sleeping upstairs.

Who are these guys? Can't you see? Three
soldiers. They stumbled in here

yesterday. Yeah, we're just three
innocent soldiers on a trial. Yeah, you

we were on our way. What did I do?

Hold it!

You'll last up every other caper. You're
not going to last up this caper. Wait a

minute, caper. What was he going to say?
I don't know. What are you going to

say, Bullets?

Bullets?

Yeah, Bullets, Bob Belly. He's out of
Detroit.

Don't you say these guys were soldiers?

Oh, they are. We present good. All we
found was five dollars and a map.

Map. Eat the map. Get rid of the map.
Eat it. Eat it.

It's nothing. It's just the route from
Kansas to New York. It's nothing.

From New York? Who are you kidding? The
point of this map, you did more

traveling sideways.

What's with this crazy route? That's
what it is.

He shot them. He said, the two creeps,
you might as well tell them. All right.

We zigzagged from Kansas, then we had to
stop off at Joliet.

I had to pick up Fingers Henshaw.

I needed his talent.

Safe man, huh? One of the best in the
business. He hasn't used a key in 30

years. Well, we needed some capital, so
we stopped off at South Bend. We knocked

off the Mullen Candy Factory.

And then we... Zigzag until we got here.
We eluded the cops.

And now we're ready for the big job.

You're going to pull a job here? I
thought you were a soldier.

I thought you was a state trooper.

What do you have in the bank?

Nothing so small -time as a bank. No
offense.

Steelworks. Not the Steelworks payroll.

Would you come all the way from Kansas
for anything less?

No, not the Steelworks payroll. That's
impossible.

It is, huh? Not when you've got the
right connections. But all those police.

Sure. Now you know the connection.

You mean the police are going to cover
for you?

Look, there's enough loot to take care
of anybody.

I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
You can't buy that many cops. I like

this. I like this kind of a mind. He
don't believe nothing.

That's the kind of guy I want in on the
caper with us. Our boss.

He's in.

I don't want him. He's in.

No, no. You guys were nice to me.

If you'll let me call my connection, I
could set up the whole gimmick. Okay,

okay, yeah. We'll clear a cool million
on this. Sure, sure.

Help! Help!

Hey, Finch, turn on that radio real
loud. I don't want the neighbors to

Louie, wait a minute, Louie. You're
crushing the soldier's tie. That's a

rap, Louie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt this
program to bring you a special news

bulletin. Hey, Si. Shut up, I want to
hear this.

The three bandits who held up the bank
yesterday are not believed to be in the

vicinity of Altoona.

One of them eluded capture early
tonight, dressed in the uniform of a

trooper. We've got to get out of here.

Louie, why don't you... These men are
armed and dangerous.

Louie, face it, you're through.

They know who you are. They know you're
dressed up on a state trooper's outfit.

They know your buddies are dressed as
fishermen. The minute they see you,

they're going to start blasting. They
won't ask questions.

Don't send us out there to shoot us down
like dogs. That's the idea.

Now get going. And when we hear on the
radio that they got you, we'll finish

furlough. Won't we, Corporal? Yes,
Sarge. Come on, get moving.

This is how it must end, huh? Is this
ironic?

All my life I've lived honestly and
cleanly. Now I've got to die like a

gangster. Look, Louie. Let me go first.

Maybe they'll miss you first.

I didn't know...

a minute too soon. You're a genius,
Louie. Come on, let's be at the car park

the back. Here.

Hold it!

You just missed the bankrollers. They
peed out front.

We didn't miss them, Louie. You're
coming with us.

Louie! Cut the act. We know you are. Get
moving.

Oh, my.

But there's one thing I don't
understand, Mrs. Doberman. If you knew

crooks all the time, why didn't you call
the cops sooner?

Well, I was waiting for Louie to show up
so I could catch them all.

Come on, you're going to get here. It
would be wonderful.

Now I know where Dwayne gets it, huh?

Come on.

If we hurry, we can get to Novak's house
in Scranton and talk about breakfast.

Okay, but one thing.

Novak's is out from now on. We eat in
restaurants.

Why? It's healthier.

Also seen in tonight's show were Dulcy
Cooper as Mrs. Doberman, Henry Lasko as

Wilson, Phil Coolidge as Finch, Frank
Cavanella as Louie, and Cliff Mark as

little boy.