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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:05,760
we-e-e-ell
2
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:16,880
THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS
VERY STRONG LANGUAGE
3
00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:21,840
'So unhappy.
4
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:24,240
'I wonder if anyone
has ever been this unhappy
5
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:26,040
'while drinking champagne?'
6
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,880
You know, these are nice.
Nice shot of you two,
7
00:00:30,920 --> 00:00:34,080
nice font. Just a great,
all-round package.
8
00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:37,480
That's the last bottle, OK?
I'm saving it.
9
00:00:37,520 --> 00:00:40,320
What for? In case you marry
someone else called Sophie,
10
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,400
who looks exactly like Sophie.
And you don't jilt her.
11
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:44,560
PHONE
12
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:49,080
Paula... Yello.
How's my hot date for tonight?
13
00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:50,720
Hmm? Heather?
14
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:52,600
Yeah, I think I remember.
15
00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,440
Double date? Yeah, why not?
16
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,360
Yeah, I think I've got
just the guy.
17
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,440
Hang on.
Mark, double date tonight?
18
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:01,360
N...No.
19
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,520
What's she like? Is she sexy?
20
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:06,520
Mark, beggars can't be choosers.
She's an actual woman.
21
00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:08,480
It's too early. I'm not into it.
22
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,360
No, I'm still technically married.
23
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,600
I'm not safe to be reintroduced
into society yet.
24
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:15,080
OK, I've got someone.
25
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:19,160
Tell her not to get her hopes up,
but he's a safe pair of hands.
26
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,800
Yeah, see you there.
Bye-bye, bye, bye.
27
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:23,640
You're back in the game!
28
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,240
God, no. No,
it's too early, cancel!
29
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,880
Call her back and cancel.
Tell her the whole story.
30
00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:32,920
Although...
31
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,840
tell me more about her.
What's she like? Is she sexy?
32
00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:37,840
She's not too sexy, is she?
33
00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,480
She's Paula's friend.
Remember Paula? Tony's sister?
34
00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,600
Are you sure this isn't going
to be a nightmare encounter?
35
00:01:42,640 --> 00:01:44,320
No, Paula's cool.
36
00:01:44,360 --> 00:01:47,760
She's cultural. We're going to see a
play tonight. A play
37
00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:51,040
I know, but relax. It's all
different now. They've moved on.
38
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,160
They use proper actors.
Americans and people off the telly.
39
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,320
And they're all based
on films, so it's fine.
40
00:01:57,360 --> 00:01:59,040
We might need to tidy up a bit...
41
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:06,240
..and we might have to untape the
DVD and video and TV and Sky
remotes.
42
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:09,560
The Megatron? But...
43
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:10,840
No.
44
00:02:10,880 --> 00:02:12,520
It smells wrong.
45
00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:16,280
The Megatron doesn't say
urban free-wheelers.
46
00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:18,800
It says sofa masturbators,
47
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:20,000
you know?
48
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,560
Here we are.
49
00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,880
What are you doing?
50
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,400
Friends of the British
Museum Magazine.
51
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:32,640
Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp,
Tony Parsons hunk of the month.
52
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,840
I need my props. I have my rituals.
53
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:38,400
Magazine under the arm,
"Old Meg" in the wallet.
54
00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:40,280
'Still two years off expiry.'
55
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,760
There they are. Heather's the
blonde.
56
00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,440
Oh, my God, look at her!
57
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:49,880
She's perfect! I love her, Jez.
58
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,960
I don't know if I can do this.
59
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,120
You stay, I'm going to go home.
Tell her I love her.
60
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:58,080
Will you keep it together!
Just play it cool.
61
00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:03,080
'Maybe she's the one? My marriage
was just a warm-up for the one.'
62
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:04,680
Heather, this is Mark.
63
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:05,720
Um...hi.
64
00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:09,800
Hi. 'Jeremy was right -
she is an actual woman.'
65
00:03:09,840 --> 00:03:11,160
Shall we get a drink?
66
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,680
Um...listen, thanks for
stepping in at short notice.
67
00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:19,680
Oh, wow, the Samurai exhibition.
Doesn't it look amazing?
68
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,640
Well, I'm no expert but if it's old
and it involves swords,
69
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,040
I'm basically interested.
70
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:28,440
I could get us tickets if
that wasn't incredibly forward.
71
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:33,120
I'd love to, cos I did a whole
course on it at college,
72
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,440
but I checked, it's all sold
out for the next few weeks.
73
00:03:35,480 --> 00:03:37,560
Well, it is to the shit-munchers,
74
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,280
but I'm actually a friend
of the British Museum.
75
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,920
Oh, right, well,
that would be great.
76
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,560
'Oh, my God! I've already
closed on a second date.
77
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:48,600
'This magazine is sexual dynamite!'
78
00:03:48,640 --> 00:03:51,280
So, great to see you...
79
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,200
Listen, Jez, there's something
I need to tell you.
80
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,360
It's a bit difficult actually.
Oh, OK...
81
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,520
The other day, I found out...
Well, I was in the clinic and...
82
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:02,400
Basically, I've got a
sexually-transmitted disease.
83
00:04:02,440 --> 00:04:03,960
It wasn't me.
I didn't say it was.
84
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,960
It's chlamydia.
85
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,080
I was just telling you
in case you wanted to get tested.
86
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,280
BELL RINGS
87
00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:13,200
Lots of times it's symptomless
basically, so it's just...
88
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:14,720
It's symptomless? Oh, right.
89
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:16,520
So what's the biggie?
90
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:19,960
I mean, no-one minds if the
Invisible Man comes to dinner.
91
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:23,880
'Maybe I can get into this.
Sexually-transmitted disease.
92
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,520
'Sexually-transmitted. Sexually.
93
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:30,960
'Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.'
94
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:34,240
You haven't noticed any unusual
discharge from your penis, have you?
95
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,280
'Not so sexy.'
96
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,840
What, die for me? Away!
97
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,520
Away, what way?
98
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,920
I prithee speak more kindly.
99
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,600
Why dost thou frown? At whom?
100
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:48,840
At thee. At me?
When do we get to go out?
101
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:55,840
As far as I can make out,
we go out for a bit in an hour.
102
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,720
Then we have to come back
for two hours.
103
00:04:58,760 --> 00:04:59,920
You're kidding.
104
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,280
I think I'll die.
105
00:05:02,320 --> 00:05:06,080
If this was on television,
nobody would be watching.
106
00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,240
Oh, God! Why aren't we
watching television?
107
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:13,200
I can't believe coming here
cost more than a film.
108
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,920
I've got Heat on DVD at home.
109
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:19,280
We are watching this when
for less money, we could be watching
110
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,840
Robert De Niro and Al Pacino.
111
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:23,160
Shh!
112
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,440
...shall wait upon thy cup
and fill thee nectar.
113
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,000
Their enticing eyes...
114
00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,400
I'm going to pretend
I am watching Heat.
115
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:36,320
OK. Let's pretend
we're just watching Heat.
116
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,920
..and with coronets of pearl
and bells of gold
117
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:43,000
circling their pretty arms,
in a round ivory fount...
118
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,200
Look, let's just go.
119
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,480
We're on a date!
120
00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,160
Screw the date!
No date is worth this.
121
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,560
But I'm back on the horse! Shh!
122
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,040
I'm going. Come!
123
00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,280
No, I can't!
124
00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,000
Excuse me. Excuse me, please.
125
00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,560
'He's leaving me with two women.
I can't date two women.
126
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:01,920
'I can barely date one!'
127
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:05,640
'This is amazing.
I wasn't meant to be out till 11
128
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:09,960
'and it's not even nine.
I've time-travelled. I've made time!
129
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,080
'I could do anything. I'm golden!'
130
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,280
Here you go, mate.
Go and see the second half.
131
00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:15,560
It's shit.
132
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:22,560
'Can't believe Jeremy left me
to soak up the bad feeling
133
00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:26,120
'like a hate sponge. Lucky I'd
already nailed the second date.
134
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,680
'Maybe she is the one.
135
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:32,360
'This time, try to definitely decide
before doing a wedding. Shit!
136
00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:33,920
'What, break-in?
137
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:37,280
'Hope he's not been murdered. I bet
he has. That would be typical!'
138
00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,480
Jeremy?
139
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,920
Mark, look.
Look what's bloody happened.
140
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,120
Have we been burgled?
141
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,440
Exactly. That's exactly
what I thought.
142
00:06:46,480 --> 00:06:49,400
Have you called the locksmith?
Have the police already been?
143
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:51,600
Well, no, I thought I'd
check with you first.
144
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,080
Cos you know, I didn't know...
What do you call?
145
00:06:54,120 --> 00:06:55,960
Or do you do it all online now?
146
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:57,800
Why haven't you done
anything, Jeremy?
147
00:06:57,840 --> 00:06:59,360
I don't know. Maybe I'm in shock.
148
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,480
I've lost some CDs.
149
00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:01,800
Shit.
150
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:08,760
They've... They've taken my digital
camera, my watch, my iPod!
151
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,320
And they nicked my bit of dope.
152
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:12,600
Or maybe I smoked that,
but they might have.
153
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,240
They've nicked the PlayStation.
154
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:17,560
Shall we get some pizza?
We're too stressed to cook.
155
00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:18,760
The PlayStation!
156
00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,160
The memory card! I'd nearly
broken through on Medal Of Honor.
157
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,800
They've nicked 120 hours of
quality me-time! Bloody hell!
158
00:07:26,840 --> 00:07:29,160
I know, everything's shit.
159
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,240
You've lost your iPod,
I've got chlamydia. American Hot?
160
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:36,200
What? You've finally caught VD?
161
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:39,880
Yeah, Paula told me. Still,
it's only chlamydia. Symptomless.
162
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,160
Still, a bit of a pisser
having to call all your exes?
163
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,280
What? Oh, yeah...
164
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,960
You are going to call all your exes?
Big Suze?
165
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,800
Well, yeah, yeah, at some point.
166
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,160
Jeremy, it makes women infertile.
167
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:55,480
Yeah, all right Dr Miriam Stoppard.
168
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,800
Fine, I'll do it. Jesus!
169
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,480
Oh, my God.
170
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:03,040
They did a shit.
171
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:07,040
Oh, God! That is so...
Why do burglars do that?
172
00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:10,120
I think it's nerves or
marking their territory.
173
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,440
Look, it's sort of all...
174
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,000
Oh, that was me actually.
175
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,400
TOILET FLUSHES
176
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,800
Sorry. I don't always remember to...
177
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:20,680
I get distracted.
178
00:08:23,480 --> 00:08:27,080
'The big date
and she's 45 minutes late.
179
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,160
'Great
I'm getting pitying smiles.
180
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,880
'Still, got the phone.
181
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:33,600
'You're never alone with a phone.
182
00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:34,880
'Look at that.
183
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:38,640
'No calls. Everyone I know
doesn't want to talk to me.
184
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,880
'Why isn't she texting?
185
00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,760
'Maybe she's dead?
186
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,560
'Bereaved is better than stood up.'
187
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,560
It's actually quite nice
to see you, Jeremy.
188
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,520
Yeah. So I've been getting
in touch with all my exes,
189
00:08:52,560 --> 00:08:55,160
because there's something
I need to tell them.
190
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,880
But I just thought, why not
turn it into a bit of a date?
191
00:08:57,920 --> 00:09:00,280
Yeah. Well, I've got some news too.
192
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,840
Me and Johnson are over.
193
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,560
He's looking for someone more
subservient on the internet.
194
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,280
Is he?
195
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,800
What a shit!
196
00:09:10,080 --> 00:09:11,400
So what's your news?
197
00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:13,840
My news?
198
00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:16,200
What is my news?
199
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,720
My news...is that...
200
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,680
I've just got this hunch
201
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,840
that everything's going
to turn out OK in Iraq.
202
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,080
Iraq?
203
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:28,680
Yeah, everyone seems to have this
massive downer on the whole thing
204
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:31,720
but I say, "It ain't over
till it's over, baby."
205
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,160
So what shall we have to drink
to celebrate?
206
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:36,800
Well, a Barolo is always nice.
207
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,320
'Shit.
208
00:09:38,360 --> 00:09:41,960
'Can't ask how much. Restaurant.
209
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,640
'You have to pretend you're
infinitely wealthy for some reason.
210
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,760
'OK... Flicking, looking.
211
00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:52,440
'If only I knew the name of
any other wine. What's a wine?
212
00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,840
'Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks
real or a joke?'
213
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,120
A bottle of Barolo it is.
214
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,480
Lovely!
215
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:06,320
'There it is!
Oh, shit! No! 45 quid?!
216
00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:09,920
'I've just spent 45 quid on wine.'
217
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,400
I'm paying, I assume.
218
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,680
Well, you did invite me.
219
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,280
Of course.
220
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,560
'There's a fiver's worth
right there.'
221
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,480
Oh, that is fantastic!
222
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,560
This, this is wine.
223
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,080
Yeah, look at what these idiots
are drinking.
224
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,720
Look at these dicks.
225
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,800
Obviously, it's not really
delicious like hot chocolate
226
00:10:35,840 --> 00:10:39,440
or Coke, but for wine...mwoah!
Brilliant.
227
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:49,600
Oh, everyone in that restaurant
knew I'd been stood up.
228
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,120
I'd feel better if she had
had an accident.
229
00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:55,720
I could go to the hospital. I might
get to switch off the machine.
230
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:57,360
Would that be good?
231
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,080
Married one, killed one.
232
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:01,000
I'd be a pint-sized Henry VIII.
233
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:02,320
That's her!
234
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:05,040
Maybe I should hide.
Actually, fuck it!
235
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,040
Heather! Hello, Heather.
236
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:08,280
Mark?
237
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:09,480
Mark!
238
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,880
Oh, it is so good to see you.
239
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,000
Uh-huh?
240
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,480
'Oh, yeah, course it is.
I'm just the man you wanted to see.'
241
00:11:17,520 --> 00:11:21,680
I'm so sorry. What a day! I lost
my phone and it had your number
242
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,960
and also the address of the
restaurant and I didn't know where.
243
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,760
'Almost plausible.'
244
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,920
I cycled back this way
because I thought your place is
somewhere near here.
245
00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:32,280
Oh, right.
246
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:34,600
So what do you think?
A bit late or...?
247
00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,840
'I'm going to have
my pound of date.'
248
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:42,520
No, it's not too late, let's go for
a drink. We were going to have a
date, let's have a date.
249
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:46,240
Great! Is there anywhere nice
around...here?
250
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:49,800
No. Well, it's a bit late
to go into town.
251
00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:56,760
Look, we're right by my place. We
could always have a drink up there
if you didn't think it too weird.
252
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,600
It'd be nice to see your place.
253
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,760
'Mm, she's coming back to my place.
254
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,720
'She trusts me. It's still possible
she stood me up,
255
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:07,480
'but she almost definitely doesn't
consider me a physical threat.'
256
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:11,720
I'm really glad
that we did manage to meet up,
257
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,120
cos I don't know what
I'd have done with this otherwise.
258
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:17,680
"Samurai, The World Of The Warrior"!
259
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:21,120
It really is the only book you need
on samurai culture...
260
00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,360
'..that I could find
for under 15 quid.'
261
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,160
Oh, Mark, that is thoughtful.
262
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,320
'Oh, yeah,
getting kissed by the one!'
263
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:34,200
Oh, look at this, Jeremy
left the bloody door on the...
264
00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,320
Jeremy!
265
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:37,440
Hello?
266
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,520
Hi.
267
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,280
What are you...?
268
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,960
I'm...I'm looking for...Kenny?
269
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:44,240
Kenny's not here.
270
00:12:44,280 --> 00:12:46,360
Oh. OK then, I'll just...
271
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,840
No. 'Oh, God, what am I doing?'
272
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:49,960
Can I...?
273
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,600
I've got asthma,
what the fuck you doing?!
274
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:56,120
'I'm wrestling with the white
working class. Morse never did this.
275
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:57,760
Just shut up!
276
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,320
'I'm better than Morse!'
277
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,400
Oh, wow, Mark!
You totally took him out!
278
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:03,720
'Oh, yeah, baby!'
279
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,640
Yeah, well, my home is my castle.
280
00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:07,760
Look... Get off, I was just...
281
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,600
You were coming back
for what you didn't get last week!
282
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:13,200
That's my bloody watch!
You've got my watch on!
283
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:19,200
Police, please.
Yes, I've apprehended a burglar.
284
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:22,320
Flat 5, Apollo House,
London Road, Croydon.
285
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:25,360
45 minutes?! But...
286
00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:29,640
I'm sitting on him, is that legal?
287
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,920
OK.
288
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,680
Who needs a samurai exhibition
when you get a samurai display?
289
00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,280
Look, if you want,
we can do this another time.
290
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,360
No, I can't leave you now,
you might need...
291
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,040
That's great.
I think I'm OK with him,
292
00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:46,120
but it would be good to have
someone else there with a bottle
293
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,960
or a spanner to bonk him on the head
with if he tries anything.
294
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,720
This is a nice place.
295
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,800
Thank you.
If she spanners me I'll kick off.
296
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,880
It's good to get
a foot on the ladder.
297
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,840
Plus, I've got pension provision
coming out of my arse.
298
00:13:59,880 --> 00:14:01,280
There's wine in the fridge.
299
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:05,920
'This is turning out pretty well.
This could be a funny family story.
300
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,320
'We met when he sat on a burglar.'
301
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:10,840
Mark, what are you doing?
Who are you sitting on?
302
00:14:10,880 --> 00:14:12,160
It's a burglar!
303
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,400
Oh, my God!
304
00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:16,120
I'm not! I got the wrong flat,
I'm looking for Kenny.
305
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:19,240
I'm asthmatic.
We need money for our meter.
306
00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:20,680
Oh, the plot thickens.
307
00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,520
He might have got the wrong flat.
That's right! Take his side.
308
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,880
You've only known me 15 years,
whereas him...
309
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:27,360
He's a pillar of society.
310
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,680
Will you please stop sitting on him.
You look like a dick.
311
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:31,760
You didn't see him take him down.
Hi, I'm Heather.
312
00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,920
Hi. Look, Heather, can you watch
him?
313
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:37,720
I'll double lock the door...
314
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,600
and then...
315
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,600
We can all go through
into the living room and just...
316
00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,320
all keep an eye on him there, OK?
317
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:50,200
Oh, guard duty, great vibe.
Just put him in the kitchen
318
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:53,320
with a couple of Garfield's.
What do you think he's going to do?
319
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:57,480
I think, Jeremy, he's going to
try and nick our stuff, all right?
320
00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,120
So...
321
00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,080
What's going on for you, man?
322
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,320
For God's sake,
Jeremy, don't try to bond.
323
00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:09,480
Did you run away from home?
Are you a rent boy and everything?
324
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,840
Fuck off, I'm looking for Kenny.
325
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:16,760
Let's just try to continue our
evening as if he wasn't here, and...
326
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,120
if he tries to escape
I'll just have to...
327
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,360
take him down.
328
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,480
'I've got balls
like baked potatoes.'
329
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,440
And how would you take him down,
just out of interest?
330
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,880
With extreme prejudice
or On Her Majesty's Secret Service?
331
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,320
Has anyone seen the new
Tom Hanks film with him in the...?
332
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:34,120
Saw it on pirate. It's shit.
333
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,520
Look, shut up, you are not
part of this conversation!
334
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,480
Oh, look, this is too weird.
335
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,360
Let's lock him away somewhere
until the police arrive.
336
00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:47,800
Good. We're trying to relax. He's
your guest, put him in your room.
337
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,280
He might do a shit in there.
I'm not gonna shit!
338
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,920
Mark, everyone in London is not
trying to shit on your possessions.
339
00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:55,240
Relax.
340
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,920
What's this?
341
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,480
'Oh, the Megatron is shrinking
my massive balls.'
342
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,000
That, what is...?
343
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,880
Did you do that? You're sick!
344
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:05,480
What?
345
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,400
Why don't we tie him up
in the bath?
346
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,680
I guess we could
tie him up in the bath but...
347
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,320
It might feel like
we'd crossed a bit of a line.
348
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:15,880
Burn him with cigarettes! He might
tell you where your stuff is.
349
00:16:15,920 --> 00:16:18,600
We are not going to burn him.
Suze, that's horrible!
350
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:20,880
Leave off, man,
she's only brainstorming.
351
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:24,320
I think the best thing for you is
if we just stick you on the balcony.
352
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:27,640
Oh, the balcony, you serious?
It's fucking raining.
353
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,560
What about my human rights?
There's no human right to be dry.
354
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:33,400
You have a good look
for Kenny out there.
355
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:36,080
'That felt good. Maybe I should
join the prison service.'
356
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:38,080
This is quite a weird date, Jeremy.
357
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,840
Weirder than when we went
to Laser Quest and tried
to hump me in the dark.
358
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,880
Jeremy.
359
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,400
Since when are you on a date
with Big Suze?
360
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,400
What about the chlamydia,
didn't she mind?
361
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,240
Er, no, not really.
362
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:55,440
Oh, my God, you haven't told her!
You're disgusting!
363
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,520
According to Johnson they've
not even definitely broken up.
364
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,440
I won't let you do this, Jeremy!
365
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,080
If necessary,
I will stand physically between you.
366
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:04,680
Mark...
367
00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:07,880
If I have to fuck you
to fuck her, then I will.
368
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,560
So you be careful
where you stand, OK?
369
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:15,400
Is he on the phone?
370
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:16,920
Oh, God...!
371
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,480
'Guantanamo is compromised!
372
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:22,440
Give me that. Who are you phoning?
373
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,760
Just calling my mates...
All my mates. They're coming over.
374
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,160
Oh, fucking hell!
375
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,800
Let's just get him out of here.
376
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:32,440
No, the police
will be here soon, Jeremy.
377
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,680
Any minute now our door will get
kicked down
378
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:37,160
by 100 maniacs
with no stake in society.
379
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,000
Is that your idea
of a relaxing date?
380
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,320
We've got to tough it out.
381
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,440
Fine, you're a knob. Good luck
with your civilisation.
382
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,720
I'm barricading myself
in my room. Suze.
383
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:52,680
'Great, it's me protecting
civilisation again
while Jeremy has sex.
384
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,720
'If this was the war,
I'd be getting shot by Rommel
385
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,840
'while he was in Paris
getting a blow-job from a Nazi.'
386
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,480
Sorry it's been
such a weird evening.
387
00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:04,680
Memorable, though.
388
00:18:04,720 --> 00:18:07,280
'Maybe I can
raise the temperature a bit?'
389
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:11,160
So... Here we are, on bed together.
390
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:12,720
'Bit too much?'
391
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:16,720
Look at that...
392
00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,800
Look how much bigger
my feet are than yours.
393
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:22,680
I'm not boasting, they just are.
394
00:18:22,720 --> 00:18:24,840
'Oh, yeah, now she's getting hot'
395
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,120
BANGING ON DOOR
396
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:29,720
Oi! Come on, Mark - hurry up
and open up! Let's have you!
397
00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:33,840
Mark, the barbarians are at the
gate! It's your responsibility!
398
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,600
Ignore the banging
and the threats, Heather.
399
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:38,720
Relax and have some cheese.
400
00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:39,840
'Is cheese relaxing?'
401
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:44,040
They're going to get in and have
us all, Mark. Just let him go, OK?
402
00:18:44,080 --> 00:18:48,880
No, Jeremy, that's not...
how I roll... You know that.
403
00:18:48,920 --> 00:18:51,720
We know he's fuckin' in there.
Let him out, you mug!
404
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,320
'That little dick!
If they come in here and kill me
405
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,520
'before I get to have sex,
I'm going to be so annoyed.'
406
00:18:57,560 --> 00:18:59,240
Oh, fuck it!
407
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,120
Right, come on.
408
00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:05,960
I'll let you go,
cos I'm a really nice guy like that,
409
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,640
but you've got to promise you won't
burgle us again. We've got a bond.
410
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:09,720
'I think he likes me.'
411
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:15,240
I'm going to let you go now,
but if you ever come back,
412
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:21,000
then me and my mate
will go mental. OK?
413
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,600
'OK, this is good.
414
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,240
'He'll probably write a rap
about how amazing I am.'
415
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:30,640
'Shit!'
416
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:32,640
Hattie's got a massive TV.
417
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,920
Give us your TV
or we'll fucking rush you.
418
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,560
'Don't hurt my lovely face!'
419
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:41,360
'God, she's lovely. But
how do I take it to the next level?
420
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,320
'Boast about the size of my hands?
421
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:48,280
'Tell her she might be the one?
What have I got to lose?'
422
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:52,840
Well, it's been fun. I'm
really glad we did meet up, but...
423
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:53,880
Maybe I should...
424
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:55,880
Yeah, I guess you probably should.
425
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,480
But there is the mob,
426
00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:02,680
so the mob probably means
you can't actually go just yet.
427
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,400
Shall I top you up? 'Thanks, mob.'
428
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,440
THUMP
429
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,120
Fuck! Shit! Careful!
430
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,400
Quick, let's go, boys.
431
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,600
What the...?!
What's going on, Jeremy?!
432
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,280
He escaped, he overpowered me.
They got in.
433
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:16,680
Stop! Stop, thieves!
434
00:20:16,720 --> 00:20:18,080
Fuck off, clean shirt!
435
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:21,280
THEY LAUGH
436
00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:22,720
Wanker!
437
00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,720
The front door was locked!
You let them in, didn't you, Jeremy?
438
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,400
No. Then how did he open
the door, for fuck's sake?
439
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:33,120
Well maybe you should
chase them down, Mark.
440
00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,320
Maybe if your date saw you beating
up a whole gang of children,
441
00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:37,680
that would get her hot.
442
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:42,000
'Right, you shit.
It's mutually assured destruction!'
443
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:44,000
Suze, I'm afraid
I have to inform you
444
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,840
that Jeremy has or may have
a sexually transmitted disease.
445
00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:50,280
I'm sorry I had to tell you...
Mark, shut up!
446
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:51,680
Is it AIDS?
447
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,880
Of course it's not AIDS,
this isn't the '80s.
448
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:59,960
It's the best STD. Just cute, old,
mostly symptomless chlamydia.
449
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,920
And I haven't even definitely...
450
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:05,240
Chlamydia?! When were you
going to tell me, Jeremy?!
451
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:10,600
I don't know. Probably I was
going to tell you, sensitively,
452
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,520
during the next little bit of time.
453
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,120
Until he just blurted it all out.
454
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,120
Look, Suze, no...! Suze!
455
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:22,640
Don't go! You can't go.
Mark, I need to go.
456
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,160
The police will be here soon,
457
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:27,280
and I'm not telling them I let
the burglar go. That's your job.
458
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,120
You're an accessory to the crime.
Bollocks!
459
00:21:29,160 --> 00:21:32,920
Jeremy, if you try anything, I will
take you down. I'm not afraid.
460
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:36,280
Ooh! I can't wait to see this.
What are you going to do?
461
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,160
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?
462
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:43,000
Are you putting your hand on me?
463
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,560
Are you having a fight with me?
Are you fighting me?
464
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:47,400
I'm doing what I've got to do.
465
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:50,640
I'm going to go, Mark.
466
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,760
No, Jeremy.
My God, you are!
467
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:56,520
You are fighting me!
This is incredible!
468
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,600
You are putting your foot behind me
469
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:01,040
and you're pushing me
down towards the floor!
470
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,400
Finally you're restraining me!
471
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:06,480
OK, I'm not going to hurt you,
I'm just going to keep you here
472
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,880
until the police arrive, OK?
473
00:22:07,920 --> 00:22:10,040
This is...
Why hasn't this happened before?
474
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,680
This is what it's all been
leading towards, hasn't it?
475
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,120
I'm confiscating your keys.
476
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,680
Have a good root around in there,
you never know what you might find.
477
00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:20,160
Mark, Mark...I'm not sure how much
more there is I can do here,
478
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,000
so I might head off.
479
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,280
No, no, no, we're having a date.
480
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,160
We can still date.
You owe me a date.
481
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,640
We've had our date, Mark.
We've had half an hour date.
482
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,440
20 minutes, it's too soon.
483
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,240
You can't go yet.
I won't let you go.
484
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,920
It might take the edge off
if I'm being held hostage!
485
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,360
Look, I wanted to tell you
something.
486
00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,520
Nothing's going to happen. We're not
a good fit. You're a weird guy.
487
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:45,760
He is a weird guy.
488
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:47,400
I tried to let you down gently,
489
00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,480
but now I'm tired and I'm going
home.
490
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,720
What did you want to tell me?
491
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,360
I thought that... You might be...
492
00:22:56,400 --> 00:23:01,120
the one, but, but...
I guess probably not, so...
493
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:02,800
Goodnight.
494
00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:04,080
'Night.
495
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,800
She might be the one.
496
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,360
Fuck off, Jeremy.
497
00:23:12,400 --> 00:23:14,160
'I'm his one.'
38552
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