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1
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First positions, please.
2
00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,340
I can't believe we're going to be extras
on a TV show.
3
00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,060
It's all right for you. You look all
right. I look like Chris Evans as Shag
4
00:00:09,280 --> 00:00:10,280
Spock.
5
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,820
And action.
6
00:00:13,820 --> 00:00:18,080
We're not going out. Not staying in.
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Hanging around with my head in a spin.
But there is no need to scream and
8
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We're not going out.
9
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We are...
10
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You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality
11
00:00:40,650 --> 00:00:41,650
is appreciated.
12
00:00:41,950 --> 00:00:44,210
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
13
00:00:44,690 --> 00:00:49,690
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides, and for naught.
14
00:00:50,270 --> 00:00:53,890
It is why I have accepted your
invitation to negotiate peace.
15
00:00:54,190 --> 00:00:57,370
This is a beautiful land, with abundant
charms.
16
00:00:57,590 --> 00:00:59,990
We should share it as brothers, not
enemies.
17
00:01:00,430 --> 00:01:02,490
To your health, King Brunwen.
18
00:01:04,140 --> 00:01:08,560
More honey mead, my lord? You would
intoxicate me and have me agree
19
00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,120
disadvantageous terms?
20
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No, my lord. Or worse, throw my drunken
body from this most highest of turrets?
21
00:01:15,780 --> 00:01:18,280
I can assure you our intentions are only
pure.
22
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,500
Oh, for God's sake, what's the bloody
problem?
23
00:01:23,380 --> 00:01:25,160
What the hell was that?
24
00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,040
It's so easy, it's her first date.
25
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It's not her, you.
26
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You were staring directly at the camera.
27
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:33,759
Oh, yeah, sorry.
28
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:34,760
That threw me a bit.
29
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,780
I wondered why that guy with the big
ears was staring at me, but it was just
30
00:01:37,780 --> 00:01:38,780
reflection in the lens.
31
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Stooky!
32
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What's this guy supposed to be doing? He
crosses the hall, considers a piece of
33
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fruit and then exits.
34
00:01:46,980 --> 00:01:48,420
Sorry, he's never done this before.
35
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Never been on a TV set?
36
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Or considered a piece of fruit.
37
00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:58,300
Which agency are these two from? Um,
we're not actually with an agency.
38
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,420
My friend works in the make -up
department. She got us the job.
39
00:02:01,930 --> 00:02:02,848
Well, that's OK.
40
00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:06,410
I got to be the director by entering a
competition in the Beano.
41
00:02:07,410 --> 00:02:08,410
Really?
42
00:02:11,550 --> 00:02:12,529
Sorted out?
43
00:02:12,530 --> 00:02:13,530
Mm -hm.
44
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:15,250
Just one thing. Oh, God.
45
00:02:16,810 --> 00:02:22,070
Thinking about it, I do wonder if Eldorf
would actually pass by so quickly. I
46
00:02:22,070 --> 00:02:24,190
think he would stop and listen to his
king.
47
00:02:24,950 --> 00:02:25,950
Who's Eldorf?
48
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My carrot.
49
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:29,810
You know, your background's half number
two.
50
00:02:30,070 --> 00:02:30,698
I know.
51
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:31,940
but I've been doing some work on my
backstory.
52
00:02:32,900 --> 00:02:38,000
He comes from a family of poor cobblers,
but his real ambition is to serve the
53
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:42,740
king, like his grandfather, the great
Elfin warlord, Big Ears.
54
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:49,300
No, the backstory is there was supposed
to be an animal being led on in the
55
00:02:49,300 --> 00:02:52,940
background instead of you, but we
couldn't get the licence for a pig.
56
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:56,920
So your backstory is you stand at the
back.
57
00:02:57,420 --> 00:02:59,900
What the hell's all this panicking
about?
58
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:02,460
I've got a voiceover for B &Q at three.
59
00:03:02,740 --> 00:03:04,380
I am sorry, Brian.
60
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,600
And while we're at it, what's this muck
you've got us drinking?
61
00:03:08,220 --> 00:03:09,220
That's cold tea.
62
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,580
I know it's cold tea, darling. I'm an
actor from the RSC.
63
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,880
I was drinking cold tea when you were at
your mother's tit.
64
00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:22,040
I am sure that we can do something to
make that more palatable for you, Brian.
65
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,320
Mum could give you a splash of milk.
66
00:03:27,950 --> 00:03:32,210
Please remind the supporting artists of
the on -set etiquette.
67
00:03:32,810 --> 00:03:34,570
Please don't address the actors
directly.
68
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,210
Oh, I'm sorry.
69
00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:38,630
Can you tell him I'm sorry?
70
00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:40,890
And the other thing.
71
00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:43,430
Please don't make eye contact with the
actors either.
72
00:03:44,030 --> 00:03:46,030
Really? Or you can disrupt their focus.
73
00:03:46,550 --> 00:03:47,550
Are they gay?
74
00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:49,470
Are they homophobic?
75
00:03:50,790 --> 00:03:53,970
And where the hell's my passion fruit
humbongo?
76
00:03:56,050 --> 00:03:57,130
Sort it out.
77
00:03:58,220 --> 00:03:59,740
Okay, guys, let's reset, please.
78
00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:02,640
Actors, what are we like?
79
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:06,840
You're not an actor. You're elf number
two. Behave.
80
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,140
We put you in charge.
81
00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,460
Well, I am elf number one. So?
82
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,700
So, number one is bigger than number
two.
83
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,400
You sure about that, Carol Vorderman?
84
00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:17,440
It means my part is more important.
85
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:22,060
Rubbish. And you won't be more important
when I get noticed.
86
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:23,920
Want to hear a true story?
87
00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:25,260
Nope.
88
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:29,200
A person once got their big break in the
film industry just by going to the
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00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,240
office of George Lucas to fix the door.
Wasn't even an actor at the time, just a
90
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:34,240
humble carpenter.
91
00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:35,580
Do you know what his name was?
92
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:37,680
Jesus. Good guess, but no.
93
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:41,600
It was actually none other than Harrison
Ford.
94
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,000
And you think you can do what Harrison
Ford did?
95
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:45,239
Why not?
96
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,660
Well, maybe you can start by putting up
those shelves in the garage.
97
00:04:48,860 --> 00:04:51,440
You're just an extra in the background.
You're not an actor.
98
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,280
I know, but how hard can it be?
99
00:04:53,900 --> 00:04:55,440
Bloody chimpanzee could do it.
100
00:04:55,830 --> 00:04:57,010
In fact, one did for Robbie Williams.
101
00:04:58,450 --> 00:05:02,130
All you've got to do is learn a few
lines and remember not to get drunk.
102
00:05:02,390 --> 00:05:03,390
What?
103
00:05:03,690 --> 00:05:05,410
See Mr No Eye Contact over there?
104
00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:10,530
I googled him earlier. He almost ruined
his career by always being drunk on set.
105
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:11,930
He looks OK to me.
106
00:05:12,230 --> 00:05:14,290
That's because he had to go on the wagon
a few years ago.
107
00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:17,070
Before then, he was known as the bad boy
of the theatre.
108
00:05:17,370 --> 00:05:18,370
A bit like me.
109
00:05:19,510 --> 00:05:23,210
What? I once got thrown out of Sister
Act the Musical for taking in a pot
110
00:05:23,210 --> 00:05:24,210
noodle.
111
00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:27,000
Just try and show some professionalism.
112
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:29,040
Oh, my God, it's you!
113
00:05:30,180 --> 00:05:31,180
Hello!
114
00:05:31,580 --> 00:05:33,640
I am a huge fan.
115
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:38,700
I'm sorry, I know this isn't really the
done thing, but could I have a selfie?
116
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:41,100
I'm sorry, no, you can't.
117
00:05:41,580 --> 00:05:45,560
But you can have an Elfie.
118
00:05:50,220 --> 00:05:53,620
I loved you on My Grandma's Sofa. Yeah,
you weren't so bad yourself.
119
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,260
My Grandma's Sofa was the name of a TV
series I did.
120
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,560
Never heard of it.
121
00:06:01,180 --> 00:06:02,720
Excellent fake nose, by the way.
122
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:06,220
Maybe a bit more goblin than elf, but
very realistic.
123
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,040
Bloody actors.
124
00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:13,020
A minute ago, you were one.
125
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:15,420
Yeah, but I'm not like him. He's too
full of himself.
126
00:06:16,340 --> 00:06:17,840
Sorry, full of him elf.
127
00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:20,860
All right, so it's not funny when I say
it.
128
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:23,080
Best provision!
129
00:06:23,660 --> 00:06:25,160
OK, we're ready to go again.
130
00:06:26,020 --> 00:06:30,480
Oh, now remember, nice and quick across
the back of the set and straight out of
131
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:33,780
shot as quick as possible. Yeah, I do
still think that Eldorf wouldn't pass by
132
00:06:33,780 --> 00:06:37,040
so quickly, cos I've been thinking. You
know the thing about Eldorf?
133
00:06:37,380 --> 00:06:40,520
Eldorf? Is that he's in charge of
tonight's banquet.
134
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:42,700
Mm -hm. Is he? Yeah.
135
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:46,660
So he's 100 % focused on what happens in
the kitchen. He has to get there really
136
00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:47,660
quickly.
137
00:06:48,330 --> 00:06:49,330
Interesting.
138
00:06:49,410 --> 00:06:52,030
Um, what do you think the king's kitchen
looks like?
139
00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:54,870
It just helps if I can picture it. It's
what all the greats would do.
140
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,550
Hoffman, Day -Lewis, Van Damme.
141
00:06:58,870 --> 00:07:00,030
It doesn't really matter.
142
00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:01,710
Just imagine your own kitchen.
143
00:07:01,970 --> 00:07:03,670
You'd have to. I don't think he's ever
seen it.
144
00:07:05,150 --> 00:07:08,530
All that matters is that Elfdorf...
Eldorf. ...is in a real rush.
145
00:07:08,810 --> 00:07:12,290
He has the quickest of looks at the
fruit in the basket of elf number one,
146
00:07:12,290 --> 00:07:13,290
most important elf.
147
00:07:13,370 --> 00:07:14,690
Not in charge of the kitchen, though, is
she?
148
00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:19,400
And then he exits very quickly because
he is very important and has to keep an
149
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:20,400
eye on that food preparation.
150
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:24,980
I like it. And in fact, if he's in
charge, you could sort of call him elf
151
00:07:24,980 --> 00:07:26,500
one. Would you like?
152
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:27,760
In the credits.
153
00:07:28,380 --> 00:07:30,220
Background elves don't get a credit.
154
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:31,760
All right, then on your clipboard.
155
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:33,920
Elf number one it is.
156
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:36,220
Wanker.
157
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:39,980
Correction, wanker number one.
158
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:53,940
You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality
159
00:07:53,940 --> 00:07:54,940
is appreciated.
160
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,920
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
161
00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:04,160
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides, and for naught.
162
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:08,000
Which is why I have accepted your
invitation to negotiate peace.
163
00:08:08,340 --> 00:08:11,780
This is a beautiful land, with abundant
charms.
164
00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:15,120
We should share it as brothers, not
enemies.
165
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,600
To your health, King Brunwin.
166
00:08:19,370 --> 00:08:20,770
More honey mead, my lord?
167
00:08:20,990 --> 00:08:25,870
You would intoxicate me and have me
agree disadvantageous terms?
168
00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:27,330
No, my lord.
169
00:08:27,370 --> 00:08:28,289
For what?
170
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:34,289
Throw my drunken body from this most
highest of turrets? I can assure you
171
00:08:34,289 --> 00:08:37,390
What the hell is it now?
172
00:08:37,830 --> 00:08:38,830
Snoopy!
173
00:08:39,110 --> 00:08:40,549
Lose the bloody elf!
174
00:08:41,570 --> 00:08:45,210
Thank you for bringing so much to the
role of Elfdorf. Elfdorf?
175
00:08:45,530 --> 00:08:47,730
But we won't be needing you for this
scene after all.
176
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:49,089
You mean I'm fired?
177
00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:51,770
No, no, no, not fired. Just shelf.
178
00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:53,170
Elf on a shelf?
179
00:08:56,170 --> 00:08:59,290
Don't worry. We still need you this
afternoon for the lovely big crowd thing
180
00:08:59,290 --> 00:09:00,290
walking away from the castle.
181
00:09:00,530 --> 00:09:03,790
Oh, but that's 200 of us shot from
behind. You'll hardly be able to see me.
182
00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:05,010
That's the plan, yeah.
183
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,950
So, would you just like to make your way
back to the holding room?
184
00:09:09,190 --> 00:09:10,950
Um, I'm assuming I can stay.
185
00:09:11,550 --> 00:09:12,630
I'm not really with him.
186
00:09:14,050 --> 00:09:17,490
Oh. Sorry, I don't think we've met. I'm
Lee. We gestated three children
187
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,490
together.
188
00:09:18,950 --> 00:09:21,170
Of course you can stay. You were
wonderful.
189
00:09:21,470 --> 00:09:22,470
Oh, thank you.
190
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,430
I was once in the school nativity.
191
00:09:24,910 --> 00:09:27,410
I played a sheep, but my mum said I
stole the show.
192
00:09:28,750 --> 00:09:33,370
Sophia, who should this elf show a
basket to now that this elf won't be
193
00:09:33,730 --> 00:09:34,730
How about me?
194
00:09:35,230 --> 00:09:41,910
She passes by, I spot the attractive
young elf, beckon her over and I sample
195
00:09:41,910 --> 00:09:43,410
soft fruit.
196
00:09:44,780 --> 00:09:46,260
Feels like something my character would
do.
197
00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:47,600
Oh, I bet it is.
198
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:50,440
If anyone's squeezing those kumquats, it
should be me.
199
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:55,520
Why is he still here?
200
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,120
Is it this way?
201
00:09:58,620 --> 00:09:59,620
OK, fine.
202
00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:00,639
Let's do that.
203
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:01,640
Position!
204
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:05,220
So, sweet maiden, what do we call you?
205
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,520
Off limits!
206
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:22,160
mighty peace for my visit, King
Rathbain. Your hospitality is
207
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,020
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
208
00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:31,200
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides, and for naught.
209
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:35,020
It is why I have accepted your
invitation to negotiate peace.
210
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:41,820
This is a beautiful land with abundant
charms.
211
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,660
We should share it as brothers, not
enemies.
212
00:10:45,940 --> 00:10:46,940
To your health.
213
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:48,100
King Brumwen.
214
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,600
More holly mead, my lord? You would
intoxicate me and have me agree to some
215
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:54,860
advantageous terms?
216
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,120
Oh, my lord. For what?
217
00:10:57,620 --> 00:11:03,120
Throw my drunken body from this, the
most highest of turrets? I can assure
218
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:07,540
our intentions are only pure, Brumwen.
Then be gone, servant.
219
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,620
Fire, water, and all.
220
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,220
Now to terms.
221
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,240
Bloody hell!
222
00:11:16,010 --> 00:11:19,250
They shoot scenes quicker on Wallace and
f***ing Gromit.
223
00:11:19,970 --> 00:11:23,990
Sophie! Get him off this studio lot
right now.
224
00:11:24,550 --> 00:11:25,570
Slight change of plan.
225
00:11:26,290 --> 00:11:28,390
We're not going to need you today now at
all, thanks.
226
00:11:28,630 --> 00:11:29,750
What about the big crowd thing?
227
00:11:30,070 --> 00:11:33,390
Well, the director's had a new idea and
it's not going to be the 200 we
228
00:11:33,390 --> 00:11:34,390
originally thought.
229
00:11:34,410 --> 00:11:35,410
How many is it now?
230
00:11:35,750 --> 00:11:36,750
199.
231
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:43,510
weren't that keen anyway were you yes i
was i don't mind being shot from behind
232
00:11:43,510 --> 00:11:50,030
don't tempt me you were incredible
233
00:11:50,030 --> 00:11:55,390
what's that anyone can carry a basket of
fruit over to a table not many can
234
00:11:55,390 --> 00:12:02,090
carry a basket of fruit over to a table
and be so captivating oh my gosh
235
00:12:02,090 --> 00:12:03,950
that is bollocks
236
00:12:09,450 --> 00:12:13,070
Especially coming from someone as really
great as you. Oh, shush now.
237
00:12:13,370 --> 00:12:14,269
Are you trained?
238
00:12:14,270 --> 00:12:15,790
Well, she stopped doing that on the
kitchen floor.
239
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,070
No, I've never acted in my life.
240
00:12:20,810 --> 00:12:22,650
Faked a few things, but never acted.
241
00:12:24,090 --> 00:12:26,070
Reset, and let's go again.
242
00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:30,630
Oi, you could have stuck up for me.
What, and got us both sacked?
243
00:12:31,010 --> 00:12:32,410
That could be my big break.
244
00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,870
What happened to us just being extras in
the background?
245
00:12:35,310 --> 00:12:37,210
Well, that's before I found out I was a
natural.
246
00:12:38,230 --> 00:12:41,450
Can't believe you fell for that nonsense
from old King Pervalot.
247
00:12:42,730 --> 00:12:44,310
First positions, please.
248
00:12:44,930 --> 00:12:46,210
This way to the exit, please.
249
00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:47,570
Right.
250
00:12:47,690 --> 00:12:48,690
Another way out.
251
00:13:18,670 --> 00:13:20,730
I'd rather promise to stay on the wagon.
252
00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:24,510
So probably best not to mention this,
old boy.
253
00:13:26,730 --> 00:13:29,590
Well, sorry I'm not allowed to talk to
you.
254
00:13:32,090 --> 00:13:33,410
Or look at you.
255
00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:38,430
Oh, forget all that poppy talk.
256
00:13:39,650 --> 00:13:42,610
Can we keep this little tête -à -tête
entre nous?
257
00:13:44,650 --> 00:13:46,050
You can talk now.
258
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:48,250
I would if I could understand the words
you were saying.
259
00:13:48,830 --> 00:13:54,930
I'm saying, if you could keep this hush
-hush, I'd owe you a big favour.
260
00:13:57,410 --> 00:13:58,410
Is that right?
261
00:13:58,930 --> 00:14:00,870
Where the hell is Brian?
262
00:14:01,270 --> 00:14:02,229
I'm here.
263
00:14:02,230 --> 00:14:04,790
Oh, in your own time, darling.
264
00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:07,490
15. It's not really working for me.
265
00:14:07,770 --> 00:14:11,650
It'll be much smoother now we've ironed
out the background issues. That's not
266
00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:12,509
the problem.
267
00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:13,570
It's this chap.
268
00:14:15,150 --> 00:14:16,150
Me?
269
00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:17,520
Look at him.
270
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:18,660
Pretty boy.
271
00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:20,960
I've seen more facial hair on a kiwi
fruit.
272
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:23,400
Does that really matter, Brian?
273
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,920
Of course it matters. There's no
authenticity to him. He's not real.
274
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:29,560
Real?
275
00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:32,120
We're in a castle full of elves.
276
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,020
You're right, you're on the back of a
flying goat.
277
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:40,680
We need someone gritty, someone rough,
someone who doesn't stink of drama
278
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:45,640
training. In fact, someone with no
acting experience at all.
279
00:14:46,459 --> 00:14:47,880
Or even talent.
280
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:49,680
Hello.
281
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,500
Someone like him.
282
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,180
Well, that's no pretty boy. Look at that
face.
283
00:14:57,860 --> 00:15:00,100
It's weathered, it's battered, it's
ugly.
284
00:15:00,540 --> 00:15:07,420
Well, gnarled, it's brutalised. It's had
a lifetime of cold winters and
285
00:15:07,420 --> 00:15:08,420
being punched.
286
00:15:08,860 --> 00:15:11,120
Look at those haunted eyes.
287
00:15:11,340 --> 00:15:13,860
They scream of pit closures and rickets.
288
00:15:14,740 --> 00:15:16,120
Do you know what else?
289
00:15:16,590 --> 00:15:18,050
I think that's a long enough list.
290
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,250
It's real.
291
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:24,830
This servant has to poison me, then
throw my dead body out of the turret.
292
00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:31,810
which of these two faces looks most like
that sort of devious, little, weaselly,
293
00:15:31,810 --> 00:15:33,830
ugly, brutal bastard?
294
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,730
Does he know the lines?
295
00:15:41,030 --> 00:15:42,050
Does he know the lines?
296
00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,950
Does he know the lines?
297
00:15:49,030 --> 00:15:51,730
Fine. Elf, number, whatever.
298
00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,510
Get into position.
299
00:15:55,290 --> 00:15:56,290
Three sacks.
300
00:15:56,590 --> 00:15:57,590
Let's go again.
301
00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:00,110
How the hell did you wangle a talking
pot?
302
00:16:00,630 --> 00:16:01,630
Excuse me.
303
00:16:02,250 --> 00:16:05,610
Would you mind asking the supporting
artist not to address me directly?
304
00:16:08,610 --> 00:16:10,030
Or make eye contact.
305
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:26,670
You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit. King Wrathbane, your hospitality
306
00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:27,710
is appreciated.
307
00:16:28,190 --> 00:16:30,730
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
308
00:16:31,110 --> 00:16:38,070
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides, and for naught. It is
309
00:16:38,070 --> 00:16:40,970
why I have accepted your invitation to
negotiate peace.
310
00:16:41,390 --> 00:16:47,810
This is a beautiful land with abundant
311
00:16:47,810 --> 00:16:48,810
charm.
312
00:16:57,819 --> 00:16:58,819
Not enemies.
313
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:00,720
To your health, King Brunwyn.
314
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,740
To my health, indeed.
315
00:17:07,700 --> 00:17:08,980
To my health.
316
00:17:10,339 --> 00:17:13,280
I thought you knew the line.
317
00:17:13,619 --> 00:17:14,079
I did.
318
00:17:14,079 --> 00:17:16,619
Then why didn't you pour the drink? I
didn't say I knew the actions.
319
00:17:16,980 --> 00:17:18,359
Just pour the bloody drink.
320
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:21,079
Not now, when he says the line.
321
00:17:21,319 --> 00:17:24,500
Gotcha. Sorry, what's the line again? To
your health, King Brunwyn.
322
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:25,960
When we're filming.
323
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:39,160
You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality
324
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:40,160
is appreciated.
325
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,960
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
326
00:17:43,420 --> 00:17:49,040
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides, and for naught.
327
00:17:49,420 --> 00:17:53,340
It is why I have accepted your
invitation to negotiate peace.
328
00:17:53,720 --> 00:18:00,480
This is a beautiful land with abundant
charm.
329
00:18:01,700 --> 00:18:03,380
We should share it as brothers.
330
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:04,900
Not enemies.
331
00:18:04,980 --> 00:18:06,620
To your health, King Brunwen.
332
00:18:07,580 --> 00:18:09,880
Oh, but it was already full.
333
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:11,300
Cut!
334
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:17,680
You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit, King Rathbain. Your hospitality
335
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,680
is appreciated.
336
00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:21,360
Our people have been at war for many
generations.
337
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:28,480
Too much blood has been spilled. Aye, on
both sides and on naught.
338
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:32,760
It is why I have accepted your
invitation to negotiate peace.
339
00:18:32,980 --> 00:18:33,980
Cut!
340
00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:36,470
the line.
341
00:18:36,650 --> 00:18:37,649
Right you are.
342
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,150
To your health, King Brunwyn.
343
00:18:39,930 --> 00:18:41,530
More honey made, my lord.
344
00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:47,330
Hello?
345
00:18:48,930 --> 00:18:49,930
Cut!
346
00:18:50,150 --> 00:18:51,710
To your health, King Brunwyn.
347
00:18:51,910 --> 00:18:53,390
More honey made, my lord.
348
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:56,630
Cut! Please, can you try and put more
into that line?
349
00:18:56,850 --> 00:18:59,710
You're secretly trying to poison him.
It's a big moment.
350
00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:01,550
Not honey made!
351
00:19:04,330 --> 00:19:05,330
That was Welsh.
352
00:19:06,290 --> 00:19:07,830
To your health, King Brunwyn.
353
00:19:08,210 --> 00:19:09,630
More honeymead, my lord.
354
00:19:10,710 --> 00:19:12,970
Poor! More honeymead, my poor lord.
355
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:14,410
Cut!
356
00:19:14,750 --> 00:19:18,110
More lord, my honeymead. Sorry, what's
the line? Cut!
357
00:19:18,610 --> 00:19:19,990
More honeymead, my lord.
358
00:19:20,250 --> 00:19:21,129
Cut!
359
00:19:21,130 --> 00:19:23,110
Lordy, lordy, who's feeling thirsty?
360
00:19:23,350 --> 00:19:28,110
Cut! Our people have been at war for
many generations. Too much blood has
361
00:19:28,110 --> 00:19:30,870
spilled. I'm sorry, but he's phoning,
that is. Cut!
362
00:19:31,530 --> 00:19:34,170
We should share it as brothers, not
enemies.
363
00:19:34,490 --> 00:19:37,810
To your health, King Brunwyn. More
honeymead, my lord.
364
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:39,930
Yes. Nailed it. Cut!
365
00:19:40,750 --> 00:19:43,530
Silence. To your health, King Brunwyn.
366
00:19:43,910 --> 00:19:45,670
Oh, we've run out of cold tea.
367
00:19:46,010 --> 00:19:47,550
Cut! No, Kate.
368
00:19:48,110 --> 00:19:49,410
Refill that bloody jug.
369
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:52,950
How much of this monkey's piss you
expected to drink?
370
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:57,270
We have racked this scene half an hour
ago. If you hadn't insisted, we'd recast
371
00:19:57,270 --> 00:19:58,930
it with this bloody muppet. How...
372
00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:04,350
Question the artistic decisions of a
trained Shakespearean actor. I've just
373
00:20:04,350 --> 00:20:07,090
six months in Stratford. Oh, is it drink
driving?
374
00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:12,770
If people can't respect my artistic
opinions, I am!
375
00:20:13,870 --> 00:20:15,890
Uh, right.
376
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,550
Now what?
377
00:20:18,710 --> 00:20:21,190
I actually know his lines if you need
someone to step in.
378
00:20:22,530 --> 00:20:23,830
You're right. Terrible idea.
379
00:20:24,490 --> 00:20:27,370
If anyone needs me, I'll be in my
trailer having a passion fruit on bongo.
380
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:35,960
So it's you.
381
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,780
Sorry, I can't help thinking some of
that was my fault.
382
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,940
I should never have insisted they use
you.
383
00:20:45,140 --> 00:20:48,060
And what choice did I have if you were
going to stop me?
384
00:20:48,320 --> 00:20:49,620
I was never going to do that.
385
00:20:50,380 --> 00:20:53,920
I just wanted a chance of my big break,
like Harrison Ford.
386
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,440
I knew him, you know, many years ago.
387
00:20:57,500 --> 00:20:59,860
Never did come back to finish that
skirting board.
388
00:21:05,070 --> 00:21:08,710
Why don't you come back on set? You're
the best actor in this show, you know.
389
00:21:09,230 --> 00:21:10,230
Am I, though?
390
00:21:12,530 --> 00:21:14,010
Yes, of course you are.
391
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:19,410
You've got a proper shouty, loud voice,
and you don't try and shag with the
392
00:21:19,410 --> 00:21:20,410
people's wives.
393
00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:22,470
Well, that's my press quote sorted.
394
00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:25,370
So what do you say?
395
00:21:26,450 --> 00:21:27,770
What the hell?
396
00:21:28,670 --> 00:21:33,590
I mean, once you've done an advert for
pie or cream, you can do anything.
397
00:21:34,620 --> 00:21:35,479
That's the spirit.
398
00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:38,060
Go back there and show me you've still
got fire in your belly.
399
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:46,120
Oh, I've got fire in my belly, all
right.
400
00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Almost forgot this.
401
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:52,580
Actors, what are we like?
402
00:21:55,460 --> 00:21:56,460
Panic over, everyone.
403
00:21:56,780 --> 00:21:58,340
The star of the show has returned.
404
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:00,020
And so has Brian.
405
00:22:06,030 --> 00:22:09,610
We're virtually out of time for this
shot and I still haven't got it in the
406
00:22:10,090 --> 00:22:12,110
So, this is our last chance.
407
00:22:12,370 --> 00:22:19,070
We've got one take and one take only.
So, if anything goes wrong, and I mean
408
00:22:19,070 --> 00:22:25,370
anything at all, just keep going and
I'll sort it out in the edit.
409
00:22:26,390 --> 00:22:27,390
Understood?
410
00:22:39,470 --> 00:22:45,550
You have prepared a mighty feast for my
visit, King Ruffain. Your hospitality is
411
00:22:45,550 --> 00:22:50,190
appreciated. Our people have been at war
for many generations. Too much blood
412
00:22:50,190 --> 00:22:56,970
has been spilled on both sides, and for
naught. It is why I have accepted
413
00:22:56,970 --> 00:22:58,750
your invitation to negotiate peace.
414
00:22:59,070 --> 00:23:03,430
This is a beautiful land with abundant
charms.
415
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:10,940
We should share it as brothers, not
enemies.
416
00:23:11,420 --> 00:23:13,260
To your health, King Brunwyn.
417
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:27,980
More honey made, my lord?
418
00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:30,460
Yes,
419
00:23:31,060 --> 00:23:32,060
please.
420
00:23:33,140 --> 00:23:34,760
Sorry? Say him again.
421
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:36,760
To the top.
422
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:44,620
Do you not fear we would intoxicate you?
And have you agreed disadvantageous
423
00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:45,620
terms?
424
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:46,840
Nope.
425
00:23:48,820 --> 00:23:49,940
Be gone, servant.
426
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:51,500
Firewater and all.
427
00:23:51,720 --> 00:23:52,920
Stay where you are, pal.
428
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,120
But I must depart.
429
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:59,740
She's written in the scroll.
430
00:24:00,040 --> 00:24:01,320
Scroll's my arse.
431
00:24:03,100 --> 00:24:09,120
This is indeed a strong drink. Servant,
me thinks this is your doing. What?
432
00:24:09,470 --> 00:24:11,070
Twas you who brought forth the jug.
433
00:24:11,270 --> 00:24:15,510
Yes, but I did not know it. It was a
strong drink. Me thinketh it was peachy
434
00:24:15,510 --> 00:24:16,510
tip.
435
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:19,290
We all saw it.
436
00:24:19,990 --> 00:24:20,990
Did we not?
437
00:24:22,770 --> 00:24:25,430
Well, thanks for thine defence, oh wifey
one.
438
00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:29,870
Wife? You did not tell me you were
betrothed.
439
00:24:30,170 --> 00:24:31,170
And to this?
440
00:24:32,150 --> 00:24:33,150
Knob.
441
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,280
It is not my place for to speak any
line.
442
00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:47,800
Be gone with you, foul servant, and take
your devilish fire water.
443
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,820
Come on, I think you've had enough, fine
jukey.
444
00:24:51,020 --> 00:24:52,020
Had enough!
445
00:24:52,980 --> 00:24:54,420
Had enough!
446
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,020
I'll tell you what I've had enough of.
447
00:24:59,420 --> 00:25:03,280
All of you snivelling little shits.
448
00:25:03,820 --> 00:25:05,820
Look at you all.
449
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:07,900
Pumps in about with you.
450
00:25:08,360 --> 00:25:11,160
Stupid pointy ears like a barrel full of
tits.
451
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,680
Do you think I want all this?
452
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,760
None of it matters.
453
00:25:18,420 --> 00:25:20,960
But I'll tell you what does matter.
454
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:28,400
My wife moving out because of a few
bloody minor indiscretions.
455
00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:32,420
And my kids thinking I'm a total twat
fest.
456
00:25:32,760 --> 00:25:33,940
I mean...
457
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:41,400
slept with a few prostitutes and sniffed
Charlie off their gloriously smooth
458
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:48,040
backsides. You think I fear you
poisoning me
459
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:51,520
and throwing me out of this turret, do
you?
460
00:26:14,220 --> 00:26:16,580
Next time you use cold tea, you might
want to use decaffeinated.
461
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:21,920
I can't believe what I've just
witnessed.
462
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:26,300
That was incredible!
463
00:26:28,420 --> 00:26:33,480
Brian, that is some of the best acting
you have done in years.
464
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:35,420
And he went completely off the script.
465
00:26:35,740 --> 00:26:36,740
Who cares?
466
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:42,960
Rathbain wants to poison his enemy and
kill him, but before he can, Brunwyn...
467
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:47,780
the futility of his own existence and so
takes his own life.
468
00:26:48,420 --> 00:26:49,540
It's brilliant.
469
00:26:50,340 --> 00:26:57,100
Just the sort of plot twist idiots who
watch this sort of crap TV love.
470
00:26:58,220 --> 00:26:59,360
Well, I'd watch it.
471
00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:06,840
Oh, and as for you, you, you got him
there. You
472
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:11,100
pushed him to the limit and made it
happen. Thank you.
473
00:27:14,350 --> 00:27:15,289
Yes, please.
474
00:27:15,290 --> 00:27:19,430
Great. Show him to my office. I need
some shelves putting up.
475
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:24,030
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