All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls - S06E21 - Driving Miss Gilmore.eng

How can you possibly say she
looked better with the dark hair?

She did. The blonde just seemed
like she was just trying to be her sister.

The dark hair makes it look like

she's trying too hard
not to look like her sister.

Plus, she does not have
the nose for dark hair.

What does that mean?

Dark hair is like a giant light-up
arrow pointing to what is wrong with you.

Blonde hair, it all sort of
blends in, in a haze of beige.

-Nuts! You're nuts!
-You're double nuts!

All right! That's it! No more
spaghetti and meatballs.

-Moozepa, come get these plates.
-Mom!

Every time we have spaghetti
and meatballs, you fight.

No, no. We're not
fighting. We're just bonding.

Grandma, I'm starving.

Take these away.
Mr. Gilmore's also.

-Mom, come on.
-We won't fight anymore.

No. Spaghetti and meatballs
is just too much excitement.

I'm sorry about that.
I left work early today

and, apparently, that caused
everyone's IQs to drop 60 points.

-My food is gone.
-The girls were fighting.

Well, I told you not to serve
spaghetti and meatballs.

They always fight when we
have spaghetti and meatballs.

That's not true!

We fight just as much
when we have Chinese food.

Can we please talk about
something besides food?

Starvation? Scurvy?
The Donner Party?

-I'm having LASIK surgery on my eyes.
-Excellent topic.

-LORELAI: LASIK surgery, why?
-Well, I hate wearing glasses.

So I found the best
doctor on the East Coast,

made an appointment
and I'm going in tomorrow.

Personally, I like
you with glasses.

It's that whole dirty
librarian thing, right, Dad?

I beg your pardon?

Three of the girls in my DAR
group had it done already.

I'm actually very
excited about it.

-I got Dr. Morris...
-The LASIK man.

From Dr. Sugarman who is
my ear, nose and throat man,

and he said Dr. Morris is
brilliant and very, very handsome.

You never told me this.

Well, he just threw it
in at the end of the visit.

I think that's incredibly
unprofessional.

Oh, Richard, he just was
saying the man is handsome.

Well, yes. As if
it's a selling point.

-It can be.
-Hardly.

Everyone knows ugly
men make the best doctors.

-That's absurd.
-It's a fact.

Marcus Welby was
handsome, and George Clooney.

Fake doctors, Mom.

Well, I'm sure they were
modeled after real doctors.

I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

-He's jealous of Dr. Handsome.
-I'm not jealous of Dr. Handsome.

I should go shopping for
something new to wear.

You are not going shopping to get
something new to wear to Dr. Handsome.

Everyone is a
little testy tonight.

Maybe she was right about
the spaghetti and meatballs.

Well, let's just talk
about something else.

We had lunch with
Christopher yesterday.

-You...
-Lunch.

-RICHARD: We took him to the club.
-Okay, but why?

Because there'd been a lot of tension
between us about the tuition incident,

and your mother and I thought
it was time for a sit-down.

A sit-down?

What, did you get Clemenza to
hide a gun in the bathroom first?

We thought it was
time to clear the air.

After all, Christopher
is Rory's father,

and we wanted him to know
there were no hard feelings.

Really?

Don't get me wrong, we're still
not happy about the situation,

but since he's going to be
involved in our lives now...

Whoa, whoa. Involved in your
lives? How is he involved in your lives?

Well, he's paying
for Rory's college.

Yeah, but is he using
your pen to write the check?

Of course not.

Then I don't see how
he's involved in your lives.

He's involved
in her life, but...

Lorelai, will you relax?
The lunch went fine.

It was very pleasant and
Christopher enjoyed it.

That's right. He
apologized for everything.

He knows that we're
no longer angry with him,

and we are all friends again.

Well, with friends like these...

And, after lunch, your
mother and I began discussing

what we were going
to do with all the money

that had been allotted
for Rory's tuition.

-And we came up with a brilliant idea.
-Oh, yeah? What?

We're going to add some
funds from our foundation

and donate the total amount
to Yale University in your name.

-What?
-EMILY: That's right.

And we'll make sure it goes
for something really important,

like a medical building.

For really handsome doctors.

Whatever it is, I want her
name big and prominent.

My name?

The Rory Gilmore
Political Science Building.

The Rory Gilmore
Anthropology Building.

-Uh, guys...
-The Rory Gilmore Cultural Center.

The Rory Gilmore Auditorium.

-Could I interject for just a second?
-Go ahead. I dare you.

While I think it's very generous of
both of you to wanna do this for me...

The Rory Gilmore Observatory.

I still go to Yale, so having something
with my name on it might be kind of...

The Rory Gilmore Center
for International Affairs.

Oh, wait!

-The Rory Gilmore Library.
-And Art Gallery.

An Ancient History Museum.

Forget it, kid. Grandma and
Grandpa have gone bye-bye.

RICHARD: Or the Rory Gilmore
Medical Research Laboratory.

EMILY: No. That sounds like
monkey testing. People will picket.

So, any one of the physical therapists
on the list will do, right, Doctor?

-They're all at the same level?
-They're all top-notch.

-That's if I need a physical therapist.
-Hush, you.

And you say "lots of rest,"
but is complete bed rest safest?

You cannot confine me to bed.
That's a violation of my civil rights.

-Hush, you.
-You need to monitor his progress.

Everyone recovers
at different speeds.

Okay, and when you say "plenty of
fluids," does hot tea count or just water?

He likes hot tea.

You gotta stop talking
about me as if I'm not here.

-Logan!
-Mom!

Tea's fine. Water
and juice are better.

And this wheelchair's
absolutely necessary?

-Hospital policy, sir.
-Just till you get out of the building.

-Can we at least go faster?
-No, you'll get g-forces.

Doctor, can I go home to your house?
I think I'd have much more fun there.

You're in good hands. Just call
if you have any more questions.

I will. Thank you, Dr. Schultz.

Okay. So, I cut off an old
lady with a handicap sticker,

so we got a primo
spot right out front.

Colin is meeting us at the apartment
to help me get you upstairs and in bed.

And it's a little cold outside,
so you might need a scarf.

I should have
brought you a scarf.

Maybe they have some in
the gift shop. I'll go check.

Actually, there's
something going on here.

What, your throat? Is it sore?

Should I go get Dr. Schultz? I
mean, we're here, we might as well...

Thank you for being who I
want to get out of the hospital for.

-You're welcome.
-And I'm not cold. I'm fine.

-You promise?
-I promise.

Okay, let's go.

-We get to go at my speed.
-Wake me when we hit the door.

This is a lawsuit!

You do not fool with people's
health and bodies like this!

No, you listen! You!

-Sookie, emergency. I'm crashing.
-Fresh pot over there.

You know you wouldn't treat Nicole
Kidman like this. Nicole Kidman.

Red hair, tall. Okay,
then Julia Roberts.

You wouldn't treat
Julia Roberts like this.

Red hair, tall.

Okay, then, Scarlett Johansson.
What are you, a shut-in?

Why is he prancing?

I will call my lawyer. And you
will hear from him when I do.

Kiss my tush! Damn it!

You can trust nothing
and no one, ever.

-Please, stop that, Michel.
-Oh, I cannot.

I cannot stop this for
a very, very long time.

I buy milk from the
organic dairy down the way.

The nonfat milk
has a blue top. Blue!

Today, I find out

that they have accidentally been
putting red tops on the nonfat milk

and blue on the two percent.

Two percent! For
the last two weeks,

I have been drinking two percent
milk in my coffee every single day!

Insert gasp here.

That's two full weeks of
two cups of coffee a day.

It used to be one cup
but then, suddenly,

the coffee started tasting so
good I added an afternoon jolt,

and now I find out I've been consuming
an extra billion calories a week.

At least it hasn't affected
your ability to do math.

Isn't this bouncing
bothering you?

It was, but now it's kind of
like having a Beyoncé video on.

Now I have to burn
off all these calories

and I have to deal with two
percent fat milk withdrawal.

Michel, why didn't you
just look on the bottle?

Oh, you just know everything, don't
you? You little Miss I-know-everything.

-Hello?
-Hey. Got you.

-Yes. You did.
-We've been missing each other lately.

Oh, well, things are crazy.

You know, we're totally booked
up here and Rory has her finals.

You're helping
Rory with her finals?

Moral support. Late night
phone calls, that kind of thing.

And, of course, Michel got
the wrong milk today, so...

Oh, well, I didn't know
about Michel's milk.

Okay, so you heading
by the diner today?

No. Can't. There's just
too much to do here.

Okay, well, then
we'll hook up tonight.

Uh, tonight's a staff meeting
and attendance is mandatory.

It would look pretty weird

if the person who called
the meeting didn't show.

There's a staff meeting tonight?

-Did you know about a staff meeting?
-No, I didn't.

I don't have a sitter tonight.

I set up a three-hour
session with my trainer tonight.

I'll have to pay full
price if I cancel this late.

It's like two zillion dollars.

Staff meeting, huh?

I didn't know you had
a staff meeting tonight.

-Did it just come up?
-Pretty much.

-Well, I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you.
-Yeah, me, too.

-So, tomorrow?
-Sure. Maybe.

-We'll talk in the morning.
-Okay. We'll talk in the morning.

Okay. Well, bye.

I have to get a baby-sitter, if there's
gonna be a staff meeting tonight.

And Becky, the good one,
is at her grandmother's,

so I'll have to use
her crazy Goth sister,

who wears the snake around
her neck and eats all my Eggos.

-There's no staff meeting tonight, Sookie.
-Oh, thank God.

If there's no staff meeting tonight,
why did you tell Luke there was?

-I don't wanna get into it.
-But is...

Sookie! Just the person
I was hoping to see.

-Alone.
-Oh. So... We'll be right back.

Jackson, wait. What is it?

-We need complete privacy for this.
-For what?

-Smell me.
-What?

Smell me. What do I smell like?

You smell like Jackson and
something else. What is that?

-It's not zucchini. It's not sprouts.
-It's marijuana.

Yes! Oh, my God, Jackson,
why do you smell like marijuana?

You know that back half-acre that
I haven't planted for a few years?

Up on the slope, out
of sight, out of mind?

Well, I went back there this
morning, and it's a giant field of pot.

Every square inch.
Hundreds of plantings.

-It looks like Harrison Ford's backyard.
-How did this happen?

-The Templeton brothers.
-The Templeton brothers.

They must have planted
it right before I fired them.

I told them to weed the back half-acre.
They're not the smartest of fellas.

They were always listening
to the Allman Brothers.

And we should never hire guys
that listen to the Allman Brothers.

What are we gonna do? It's
a full half-acre of marijuana.

Jackson. Shh. We can't
keep saying the "m" word.

-It... Someone will overhear.
-Right, sorry.

-We need a code word.
-How about "evil crop"?

Something more normal.

-How about "pickles"?
-Good, we'll say "pickles."

Do you realize that at this
moment, we are both felons?

Why? We didn't grow
the stuff. The pickles!

-We didn't grow the pickles.
-But we're in possession.

If the cops came to my
field today, we'd go to jail.

We'd lose everything we
own. We'd lose the kids.

All because of pickles.

I'm gonna send my
guys home right now.

And I'm gonna single-handedly
pull every last pickle out of there.

-Good, yes, good. And do it quick.
-I'll try.

-You're sweating.
-I'm sorry. I can't help it.

-It makes you look guilty.
-I'll try to stop.

We've gotta walk out of
this room cool and calm.

Just like it's any other day.

Cool and calm, got it.

Sorry!

[DISHES SHATTERING]

I'll get you coffee.

[SOOKIE GIGGLING NERVOUSLY]

[SINGING ME AND JULIO
DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD]

What can I get you, Kirk?

-What do you think?
-About what?

-Letting the beard grow.
-Nice. What can I get you?

First couple of days it was itching
like crazy, but now I'm used to it.

Although, I find
myself doing this a lot.

What do you want to eat, Kirk?

Last weekend I accidentally wrote
all over my face with a Sharpie,

and Lulu thought it looked kind of
sexy. That's where I got the idea.

It looks really good, Kirk.
Now, can I take your order?

I'll come back.

-Big brother!
-Hey, you're back, huh?

-I'm back.
-How was the fair?

Oh, amazing! My
jewelry's bigger than ever.

I make it, it sells.

I got all this money now, but I got
no idea what to do with it. Not a clue.

-How about putting it in a bank?
-There's a thought.

Hey, let me tell you
my big, exciting news.

-Uh-oh.
-It's not an "uh-oh," it's good.

Unless you don't like babies.
In which case, it's not so good.

You're pregnant?

Oh, it was supposed to be
a surprise. Who told you?

-You just did.
-Wow. I blew my own surprise.

That's great, Liz!
It's great, right?

Amazing. I am over the moon.

No, oh, sit. Sit, you're
in a delicate state.

I am gonna take care of
myself this time, big brother.

I'm gonna do all the healthy things for
me I did not do last time I was pregnant.

-Like not binge drink.
-Good plan.

So where's T.J.? I mean,
he must be thrilled about this.

-Oh, he's gone.
-Gone?

What do you mean
gone? Out of town?

Well, he's gone. The big gone.
Out of my life. You got matzo brei?

-What? Liz. No.
-Okay how about a Denver omelet?

No. I mean, no, T.J. can't
be gone. He's your husband.

Since when does that
keep guys from leaving?

-He's left you?
-He's left.

How can you be so calm
about this? You're so calm.

Because I got my new
come-what-may philosophy.

-Your what?
-My philosophy.

It's about accepting what
comes your way, whatever it is.

If a bus is heading
right at you, let it come.

If a piece of space junk comes
hurtling down at you, let it come.

Or you step out of the way.

You know, that's probably better, and
when I said what I said now, it felt wrong.

-Did he know you were pregnant?
-I'd just told him.

So he ran out on
his wife and child?

-Luke, you're getting mad over nothing.
-It's not nothing.

Well, I need you to stay calm,

because right now
it's all about the baby.

And it's all good. Really.

Come what may.

All right, fine.
Whatever. It's all good.

-Now, baby and I would like that omelet.
-Coming up.

-PARIS: Metaphase, anaphase, telophase.
-Paris?

-Male reproductive tract.
-What?

Seven up: seminiferous
tubules, epididymis, vas deferens,

ejaculatory duct,
nothing, urethra, penis.

-What are you doing?
-Boning up. Pardon the pun.

Got my MCATs coming
up. Medical school?

-I meant, what are you doing here?
-Looking after you.

-Oh, goody.
-It's necessary.

You seem like the kind of
lunkhead that would get up too soon

and inadvertently push a
broken rib bone into his spleen.

Well, hey there, sleepyhead.

-Oh, goody, a matching set.
-You sleep well?

-He's watching me, too?
-Rory said it would be okay.

Hey, now that you're awake, you
mind if I switch the TV to the speakers?

They're just about to
reunite with their husbands

and I'd love to get the
full surround experience.

-Who?
-The penguins.

-You haven't seen the penguin movie?
-The penguin movie rocks.

They'll move you, my
friend. So, is it okay?

Mi casa es su casa.

Great.

Whoa! Whoa! Where do you
think you're going, cowboy?

-Nature calls.
-You can't get up.

Rory said you need complete bed
rest. She trusted me with your well-being.

I cannot betray that trust.

Then what's your suggestion
for my current predicament?

-I'll get the bedpan. Where's your bedpan?
-I don't have a bedpan.

-You got Tupperware?
-Paris!

-Doyle! Watch him!
-Pausing!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-Hey, why aren't you asleep?
-LOGAN: Because I woke up.

-You're supposed to be asleep.
-I've been asleep for a week.

My body is bored of sleep.
It wants to do something.

Well, good thing your body
has no say in the matter.

-Hey, boss, you're gonna wanna see this.
-Hold on a sec.

-You've got to call off your sentries.
-They're there for a reason.

To re-enact their favorite
scenes from Misery?

-Your kitchen needs organizing!
-Yeah, I'll get right on that.

You shouldn't talk loudly.
You'll strain something.

I've got Deena and Moshe
Abromowitz on top of me.

Why is Paris in the kitchen?

Oh, she's looking for
a bedpan substitute.

Oh, dear.

-You're really gonna want to see this.
-Just leave it, Bill.

But I wanna see the look
on your face when you read it.

Provided you still have a
face after your head explodes.

In a sec.

Rory, look, I love
your concern for me.

I love that you're so
invested in my well-being.

But even the doctor said that if I
feel strong enough to move around,

then I should do
it. It's good for me.

I don't know that that doctor
knows what he's talking about.

You mean the Johns Hopkins
graduate knows less than you?

I'd kill to get into Johns
Hopkins. Here, patient's choice.

-Oh, okay if I un-pause?
-Un-pause.

Here come the penguins.

Look, maybe the doctor knows a
little bit of what he's talking about...

You think?

So, I guess, get
up, but super slow.

It should look like a Monty Python
routine, you're moving so slow.

I'll make John Cleese proud.

And let Doyle help you. At least
the first time. You could get dizzy.

I'll let him help me
to the bathroom door,

-but I've got to take it from there, Ace.
-Fine.

I cannot look at the shot
of the dead baby penguin.

Me, neither. Dead
people, yes. Not penguins.

You'll deal with Paris?

-Put her on.
-Thank you.

-Paris.
-Can I look?

-We're clear. We're clear.
-Please, talk to Rory.

What is so important about
The Wall Street Journal?

-Oh, you'll see.
-Hey.

-Stand down.
-What?

Thank you for sitting with him,

but I think he needs a
little less hovering right now.

-Warren Beatty, Jr., smooth-talk you?
-No.

Even the doctor said he
should be moving around some.

I think I've been a
little overprotective.

Your call.

Have Doyle lend him a
shoulder right now, okay?

-Fine. Doyle, give Logan your shoulder.
-You got it.

-See you soon-ish?
-Just finishing up here.

Mi shoulder es su shoulder.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, this is very life-affirming.
Very penguinesque.

With the soundtrack
music playing like that?

-Hurry here soon-ish.
-I will.

-What is it?
-I highlighted the appropriate section.

Oh, it's going to be a
quiet, slow-burning seethe.

Disappointment.

Thanks.

MICHEL: Right this way, you two.

We are having beautiful
weather today, no?

Let's leave your bags here

with the
ever-trustworthy William

and take a little
tour of the inn.

Okay? Right this way.

We have one of the finest
restaurants in the area.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-Hello?
-EMILY: How soon can you get here?

-What?
-How soon can you get here?

-Mom, where are you?
-Home, of course.

Where else would I be
after what happened?

-What happened?
-What happened?

Yes, what happened?

The thing with my eye. What
else would I be talking about?

-You're talking about the laser?
-The bad LASIK.

The LASIK went bad?

Your father called you.
Tell me he called you.

-Hold on a sec, Mom.
-Lorelai!

-Hello.
-Lorelai, it's your father.

I'm unconscionably late with
this call. Blame South Dakota.

Dad, what is going on here?

Your mother's eye surgery went badly.
She's all right, but she can't see a thing.

Well, that doesn't
sound all right to me.

It's only temporary.
She's on painkillers.

I would have been there myself,
but I was called out of town.

Have you ever been to South Dakota?
It's the most boring state in the nation.

As I was flying in,

I swear I saw one of the heads
on Mount Rushmore yawn.

-She's asking how soon I can be there.
-Well, that's why I'm calling.

I left her with a battery of help,
but in case it didn't work out,

she wanted me to give you a
heads-up that she might need you.

Well, I don't know
if I can get away.

It's her eyes, Lorelai. She can't
do anything or go anywhere.

I understand the
importance of eyes, Dad.

I got caught up in meetings
or I would have called sooner.

You wouldn't believe
where I'm sitting right now.

One of South Dakota's
finest hotels. Smells like a foot.

Let me get back to her,
Dad. She's on the other line.

If you could cover for
me, I'd appreciate it.

If she found out I didn't call
you, it'd make everything worse.

-Okay, you got it.
-And check in with me later.

Yeah.

Mom?

Was that your father?
Did he not call you?

No, Dad called, I was
just distracted before.

So, you need me to pop over?

I'm all alone here and I desperately
need to run a couple of errands.

And there's no one else?

I don't remember being in labor
for 14 hours with anyone else,

-so no, there's no one else.
-Okay. I'll be over.

-I'll be waiting. Blind and waiting.
-Okay, bye.

I don't believe it,
I don't believe it!

Who knew that clearing
it would be the easy part?

I had it all down in
three hours, no problem.

I don't believe it!

What was I to do? If I put it in the
garbage, the garbage man could see it.

I know and he looks
like a big fat fink.

And if I put it down the
garbage disposal, it could clog.

We'd have to call a plumber,
and then he could fink on us.

And he would, too. That guy
seems like big fat fatty fink.

We can't flush it
for the same reason.

And burning it seemed like
a tremendously dumb idea.

You'd get the whole town high.

-So what was I to do?
-Anything but bring it home.

-Then come up with your own idea.
-Well, I could bake it into brownies.

-Then what do we do with the brownies?
-I have no idea.

I think that makes
it a bad plan.

Is it a better plan than the
plan you couldn't even think of?

At least it's a plan.

Hey, we can't turn on each
other here. We're all we've got.

You're right, you're right!

Hey, it's starting to
smell up the place.

We've just got to
get it out of the house.

Definitely. Out of the house.
We'll get it out of the house.

But we wait for dark.

Wait for dark.

I could kill him.

You'd have to get
in a very long line.

The man should be
drawn and quartered.

There's no FASTPASS
for the line either,

you just got to get
in there and wait.

Quartering's too good for him.
He should be eighthed, sixteenthed.

I don't know, you quarter
a guy, he's in four pieces.

That's tough to recover from.

He should be stretched on a
rack, iron-maidened, strappadoed.

Oh, my God, what
is "strappadoed"?

When you suspend him in the air,

with a rope tied to his hands
that are tied behind his back.

You're scaring me with
your knowledge of torture.

I did a paper on the
Attorney General.

-It comes with the territory.
-Life in modern America.

Why would The Wall
Street Journal print this?

-Why?
-It was an interview with my father.

If he said it to them,
they get to print it.

-Even if it's a flat-out lie?
-They don't know that.

"I look for the best and the
brightest, even at the intern level."

Reading it again, you're
just torturing yourself.

"Ben Cochran at Harvard,"

"he helped me out with my Boston
paper, as did Frank Williams."

"And Rory Gilmore, I gave her her
first internship at my Stamford paper,"

"and now she's editor
of the Yale Daily News."

It's classic Mitchum.

How dare he? "I gave
her her first internship"?

This is one of
Dad's things, Rory,

grabbing credit wherever he
can, whether it's earned or not.

Everyone in
America has read this.

The Wall Street Journal's
readership is high,

but it's not quite 300 million.

Well, enough
people have read it.

Look, the beauty
of the daily paper,

it's in everybody's recycling
bin the next morning.

-This will totally be forgotten.
-It won't.

-It will.
-I remember everything I read.

Front page, op-ed, concert
reviews, it never leaves.

My eyes accidentally flit over an obituary
as I'm hunting for the metro section,

and I can remember the deceased's
first wife's name a full month afterward.

I mean, and that's just
a flit, not even a perusal.

If I perused it,

I could give you his grand kids in
alphabetical order, five years later.

-Ace, Ace, you drinking this in?
-What?

Helen Keller just
signed "water," Annie.

-You walked?
-All by my lonesome.

-You proud of your boy?
-I'm very proud.

Oh, and you color's coming back.
You've gone from white to off-white.

Hey, can we get to the
bottom line on this article here?

-Give it to me.
-It's all good.

It's very positive,
what he said to you.

A powerful man is citing you
as one of his accomplishments.

-It's in no way a diss.
-I know.

It's actually a good thing.
So you should let it go.

Never.

Hello?

Mom?

EMILY: In here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Onassis,
I was looking for my mother.

Will you at least promise

to keep your comedy set at
my funeral to under five minutes?

-Sorry, Mom. How are you feeling?
-Horrible.

That quack eye surgeon
blinded me for life.

All right, I don't think
he blinded you for life.

Well, he blinded me for
the next two days at least.

The procedure was a disaster.

He did one eye
and then announced

that the new procedure didn't
comport to the anatomy of my eye.

So he had to resort to the old
procedure, which I absolutely did not want.

Because it's so last year.

And, of course, he wouldn't
go near the other eye

until he saw how
this one healed.

Well, that makes sense.

And then Dr. Mengele
told me to rest

and is having me put
eye drops in every hour,

further impeding my vision.

And, to top it off, the man
looked nothing like Marcus Welby.

-Okay, Mom, where are all the people?
-What people?

Well, Dad made it seem like you
were surrounded by a small army.

You know, enough people to care for
you then go topple Saddam's statue.

-They're all gone.
-Gone where?

To hell, I hope. One person
more incompetent than the rest.

But all of them? The nurse?

They'll do a 60 Minutes on that
woman one day, mark my words.

-The housekeepers?
-Ate everything that wasn't nailed down.

The errand boys?

Their pants hung down
below their underwear.

And no one was worse
than the driver he got me.

Have you ever met the
cab drivers in Prague?

No.

Well, they would hide
their wallets from this man.

-Plus, I think he had a gun in his pocket.
-Maybe he was just happy to see you.

Lorelai, up.

It doesn't matter, anyhow.

I'm fine getting my own food,
and I don't need people underfoot.

I called the agency and a new
maid will be here tomorrow morning.

But I need to run
some errands today,

and obviously I can't
drive. You'll have to do that.

-Do what?
-Drive me.

No, Mom! Why don't you just give me the
list of errands and I'll do them for you?

No. It would take too much
explanation. Grab my bag, please.

Mom, seriously, what
kind of errands are they?

Shopping? Banking?
Hardware store?

I need to get my coat first.

Mom, is it dealing in human trafficking?
'Cause I am an excellent people person.

Mom, Mom. You've gotta look up.

I can't look up. The
sun causes searing pain.

Mom, the sun can't even
find you under that hat.

If we put that hat on Frosty the
Snowman, he'd be living in Miami right now.

You're a very insensitive
person, you know that?

-Yes, I do. Here we go.
-What is this?

-This is my car.
-We can't go in this.

-We have to take the other car.
-What other car?

No, Mom, that's not a
car. It's a rap video set.

I ordered it specially. It has
the darkest windows available.

They say it's the car Jay-Z
uses when he's in town.

I assume that's an
entertainer of some sort.

The windows are bulletproof.

They kept saying that
as if it's a selling point.

I told them I was not paying
extra for bulletproof windows.

-I haven't been strafed in years.
-Mom, I don't understand.

What do you mean,
"We'll take this car"?

-I thought the driver left.
-He did.

-Well, is there another one driver coming?
-No.

-Well, who's gonna drive?
-You are.

-I can't drive that.
-Why not?

Because, look at it. I'm sure you
need a special license or something.

Lorelai, I cannot ride in your Jeep.
It's completely exposed to the elements.

You do remember that I'm
recovering from surgery, don't you?

No, really? I thought
you were just doing

your best Mia Farrow in Broadway
Danny Rose impersonation.

Lorelai, I need
my prescriptions.

If I don't get my prescriptions,
infection will set in

and I will lose my
eyesight completely,

and you will be doing
this more than just today.

Now, what's it going to be?

Ridiculous, Sarah
Bernhardt, over dramatic...

-My hearing's just fine, Lorelai.
-Sorry.

[WHITER SHADE OF PALE
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX]

-Hey, Luke. What are you doing here?
-You know why I'm here. Get up.

-What?
-Get up!

Okay.

Now, I am not here to listen
to you explain your side,

or rationalize things,
or justify your actions!

I'm here for one reason
only, to punch you out.

Hey, cool. You see that?

That was just like in an old Western,
where everyone cleared the bar.

-I never seen that in person.
-Don't be cute. Just get ready to be hurt.

-Damn.
-What?

I just wish I was drinking
faster, 'cause if I was more drunk,

getting punched out
wouldn't hurt so much.

-Just shut up and let's do this.
-Go ahead.

-Well, get ready.
-I'm ready.

-Well, raise your arms or something.
-No.

I'm not gonna
punch you like this.

-I thought that's why you came.
-I came to fight.

-Well, let's do it.
-Then raise your arms.

-No.
-T.J.!

I'm not hitting you, Luke.
I got nothing against you.

Plus, there's no fighting
inside. It's Lanny's top rule,

along with no burning
down the place.

-That actually comes first.
-Well, then let's take it outside.

Luke, let me ask you
one question really quick,

and then you can take
me outside and clobber me.

-Okay, what?
-What the hell is this about?

You're unbelievable!
It's about Liz!

What about her?

-Is she all right?
-All right? You walked out on her.

-No, I didn't.
-Yeah, you did.

That's why you're here
drinking in the afternoon.

That's not why I'm here drinking.
I'm drinking because I'm upset.

You're upset?

-You abandoned Liz and your baby.
-Hey, I would never do that.

I love your sister, Luke.

-She threw me out.
-That's not what she said.

We came home from
the fair, it was great.

We were both happy,
we made money,

then Liz goes to the doctor,

and she comes home
and tells me she's pregnant.

I hug her, I kiss her.
I'm crying, I'm so happy.

And then, I turn to grab
the phone to tell the family

and an ashtray hits me
in the back of the head.

And a phone book and a stapler

and our statue of a happy
clown playing the saxophone.

-I'm not getting this.
-She's yelling at me,

saying things like,
"This ain't gonna work."

"You're gonna mess this
kid up. You can't raise a kid."

She's saying, "This kid will
grow up with no discipline",

"it'll get out of control, then we'll
end up having to send it away."

I tell her she's wrong. I tell
her I'll do whatever's needed.

I'll read every
book on the subject,

even though I hate reading
worse than I hate public television.

But Liz won't hear
it. She tells me to go.

She told you to go.

So I packed a bag and left.

I didn't want to, but Liz is
always right about everything.

And if my staying around is
gonna screw up the kid like that,

I'm gone, no questions asked.

[GROANING] Jeez, Liz.

-What?
-Have a seat, T.J.

Give me a beer.

Listen, T.J.,

Liz wasn't talking to you, when
she was saying all that stuff.

She was talking to herself.

I'm pretty sure she was talking
to me. She kept saying my name.

No. When she said you
were gonna mess up the baby,

she was saying something else.
Just take out the "you" make it an "I'm."

She meant you're
gonna screw up the baby?

No, she meant she was.

-And I was.
-No, just her.

Then why didn't she
throw the ashtray at herself?

-Because she was taking it out on you.
-This is complicated.

That's because people are.

Sometimes they just
don't say what they mean.

Yeah, I hate that. It's
hard enough following them

when they're talking about
what they're talking about.

Yeah, that's the trick with
relationships. Believe me.

Look, you have to try to tune in

to what your partner means, as
opposed to what she's actually saying.

They sometimes won't
tell you how they're feeling,

but your job is to try to
figure out what she's saying

from what she actually says.

-Wow.
-Yeah.

I got none of that.

It's okay. It's all
gonna be okay.

I'm gonna make this okay.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

-Sorry.
-Lorelai, be careful!

Well, I'm not used to driving
a missile silo down the street.

Oh, stop being so dramatic.

Yeah. Wouldn't
wanna be dramatic.

All right, get over here.
You're gonna turn right.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

-Sorry!
-Lorelai!

Well, it's a big
freaking car, Mom.

You're gonna give
me a heart attack.

Mom, please. How
long is this gonna go on?

You won't tell me
where we're going,

you're giving me
block-by-block instructions.

My goodness, Lorelai, you've been
complaining since we got started.

No, I haven't.

When we had to go to
three different drugstores...

-Well, come on.
-I don't trust generic.

Mom, it's the same thing.

If I'm willing to
pay full price,

then I deserve to have my
drug bottle say "Valium" on it.

-Fine.
-I don't see why that's insane.

Fine.

So, have you talked
to Christopher lately?

Um, no. Not lately-lately.

-I have.
-Well, bully for you.

You know, your father and I enjoyed
our little sit-down with him very much.

Oh, I'm glad.

You know, I'd forgotten what a
handsome man Christopher is.

He was wearing a
very nice blue tie.

And his hair is very short.

Normally, I don't like
a man's hair that short.

It makes him look like a
convict or a masseuse,

-but I think it works on him.
-Yeah, I'm sure it does.

-He seemed lonely, though.
-What?

He's not dating anyone. I asked.

-Well, he's got G.G.
-Who's G.G.?

-His daughter, Mom.
-Well, we didn't discuss that.

But I could tell he was lonely.

I'm sure he's fine.

You know, I've been
wracking my brain

trying to think of a nice
girl to set him up with.

Cezanne Moriarty just got
divorced and she looks wonderful.

She'd go perfectly
with his hair and tie.

Cezanne Moriarty is 10
years older than Christopher.

Lorelai, you were in
the same class together.

I know. It's 'cause she was stupid.
We used to call her "Moroniarty."

Well, Loretta Singer's husband just
died. She'll be back from Bali soon.

-She's got a horse face.
-Not anymore.

-She's not his type, Mom.
-What about Brandy Covington?

She's a lovely girl, with a
wonderful sense of humor.

-A wonderful sense of humor?
-Yes.

What joke has Brandy
Covington ever told?

Well, I don't know.

Well, you said she has a
wonderful sense of humor.

-So, tell me one of her jokes.
-I don't know any.

-An amusing anecdote she's told.
-I don't know, Lorelai.

-A giggle-inducing pun.
-Lorelai...

-Dirty limerick, song parody?
-Well, she has a lovely laugh.

Oh, so she does not have
a wonderful sense of humor.

She can appreciate a
wonderful sense of humor.

-I guess that's right.
-Fine. Tell me a joke she's laughed at.

You're being impossible.

Mother, Christopher
can get his own girls.

Now, he's busy with G.G. and
when the time is right, he'll date.

Just sit back and let me drive.

Rory thinks he's lonely, too.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

I'm in a tank, pal.
Come and get me!

Sheila's out today, so warn Mark

that there's going to be an unexpected
enormous pile of annoyance on his desk

-and just to deal with it.
-WOMAN: [ON PHONE] Hello?

-Yes, hello. Is this Kimberly Wells?
-Yes, it is.

-Thank you for taking my call, Ms. Wells.
-Call me Kimberly.

Okay, Kimberly. The
reason I'm calling is...

Something to do with my
interview with Huntzberger, right?

Yes. It has to do with that.

-Give 'em hell, Harry.
-So, what's this about?

I'm calling to
request a correction.

Oh, to what?

To everything that
Mitchum said about me.

I am looking at the piece now.
He didn't say much about you.

Well, that's the thing.

He didn't use many
words, but he said a lot.

"And Rory Gilmore, I gave her her
first internship at my Stamford paper,"

"and now she's editor
of the Yale Daily News."

-What part of that is wrong?
-None of it, technically,

but, essentially,
it's all a lie.

Did he not give you an internship
at The Stamford Eagle-Gazette?

Yes, he did, but...

And are you not editor
of the Yale Daily News?

Well, I am, actually, but
it's the impression he left.

That he gave me my start.
He did not give me my start.

Tell her if a correction's not
appropriate, maybe a clarification is.

-That's dumb.
-It doesn't hurt to ask.

-Hello?
-Sorry, I got distracted.

Here's the thing.

Mitchum is depicting me as
one of the feathers in his cap.

I am not one of his feathers.

Yes, but here's our thing, we can't
print corrections to impressions.

That would be chaos.

Even if the impression
is wildly misleading?

Again, that's an impression.
We don't correct impressions.

I see.

-What about a clarification?
-Good girl.

-We don't do those, either.
-I see.

I really need to run.

You know, it's just gonna bug
me forever that he put this out there.

-That's show biz.
-Okay. You're right.

I mean, I guess it's gonna be in
people's recycling bins by tonight

and totally forgotten
by tomorrow, right?

Actually, I always hope that
the stuff I work so hard on

isn't just totally
forgotten the next day.

Oh, yeah. Well, me, too. I
mean, back at you, sister.

-Thank you for your time.
-Wait, wait.

Could you hold on a
second, please? What?

Ask her if there are any
internships available at the Journal?

-I could fax her my...
-Thank you for your time.

I tell him to clear the plates,

and he's, like, "I'm tired,
I've been on my feet all day."

And I'm, like, "I don't care if
you've been on your feet all day"

"at that crappy job that
doesn't pay enough"

"that we can even go to
Dollywood once in a while."

Yeah, that's not good,
not going to Dollywood.

It's rude.

He could have taken
one of his city tests

and maybe he could have
been a cop or something.

Not that he could
fire a gun straight.

I kick his ass at the
shooting range every time.

Yeah, the yin of it,
the yang of it. Totally...

-Liz.
-Oh, hey, big brother.

Excuse me, girls.

Who are they?

They're the support group of
single moms I hooked up with.

They're horrible.

All they do is bitch, bitch, bitch.
I'd have left every one of them, too.

So, Liz. Look at me.

-Now, listen.
-I'm listening.

You are gonna be a
great mother to this kid.

-What?
-You heard me.

You're in the best shape you've ever been,
you've got money. Jess turned out fine.

Your son turned out
fine. He's doing great.

-Yeah, but...
-Put your fears aside.

I know you can do this.

-I'm scared.
-But you've got help.

You've got a good
man. He loves you.

He's gonna be a great
dad. If you let him.

If he'll forgive me.

LIZ: Aw!

-T.J.
-He was too afraid to come inside.

-He's not wearing a jacket.
-I told him to bring a jacket.

He's always
forgetting his jacket.

All right, he needs
you, you need him.

Now, go to him. Make up.

Go home, okay? Go home with T.J.

Thanks, Luke.

-Where are you going, Liz?
-My man's here.

Oh, yeah, he looks
like a real winner.

So, can I get I can get you ladies
anything? Compassion, perspective?

-Okay, Mom, what's next?
-You don't have to say it like that.

I just spent the last hour and a
half watching you get a manicure.

It's my standing
appointment, Lorelai.

Yes, except I was the one standing
'cause there weren't enough seats.

Well, if I had missed
that appointment,

it would be weeks
before I could get another

and I'd be walking
around with hobo hands.

Now stop being so
surly, this is the last stop.

-Great. You realize we're in Beacon Falls.
-So what?

So, we've driven almost
as far as Stars Hollow.

Now I'll have to drive you
all the way back to Hartford.

Well, I'm sorry, Lorelai. Next
time I have some sort of illness,

you can put me on an iceberg
and float me out to sea. Let's go.

This is a real estate office.

What errand do you have
to run at a real estate office?

Are you coming?

Am I coming with you
to the real estate office?

Don't forget to lock the door.
I'm leaving my bananas here.

Mom, why are we going to
a real estate office? Mom?

[GROANS]

-Excuse me, I'm...
-MAUREEN: Emily?

Maureen, hi. I'm
sorry if we're late.

I had this awful surgery yesterday
and today has been a nightmare.

-Oh, I hope you're feeling all right.
-Oh, she's fine.

Dragging that cross around
with her made her a little tired.

Maureen, this is
my daughter, Lorelai.

She has headaches and
that tends to make her babble.

I'm sorry. Can I get
you some aspirin?

Oh, no thanks. I'm okay. I've
had the headache for 38 years.

-We are anxious to see those pictures.
-What pictures?

All right. Well, follow me.

I have the whole
presentation ready for you.

What presentation?

-Maureen, how are your twins?
-They are going to be seniors next fall.

-They grow up so fast, don't they?
-Like weeds.

What presentation
are we looking at?

-Here we are.
-Mom?

So, I talked to the owner and
he said that they would be willing

to throw in any of the furniture
or appliances that we might like.

-Completely up to you.
-Well, that's wonderful.

Why is that wonderful? Why is throwing in
furniture and appliances wonderful, Mom?

Go on, Maureen.

Anyhow, the pictures are pretty
complete, but I can get us in this weekend,

if you would like to take
a closer look yourself.

Do you, Mom? Do you
wanna take a closer look?

This is only the second time

that this house has been
on the market in 100 years.

It's got five bedrooms,
four and a half baths,

with a library, a sun porch.

It's on three acres with a very
small, what they call, fishing hole,

which is really a little
pond, but it's very charming.

-And it has stables for horses.
-I thought so.

The roof is in good shape, but I think
that the plumbing will need some updating.

But the sellers are motivated,

and I think it's a
pretty special property.

I do, too. Don't you?

-Lorelai? Are you breathing?
-Why are you looking at this house, Mom?

Would you give us a minute?

Of course. I'll be right
over here if you need me.

Well, what do you think?

Mom, please, tell
me what is going on.

I will tell you what's going
on as soon as you tell me,

honestly, what you
think of this house.

-I think it's fine.
-Fine?

Mom, it doesn't look like
your type of house at all.

I did not ask if you thought
it was my type of house.

I asked what you
thought of the house.

Well, I think it's
a beautiful house.

So do I.

But you already have
a beautiful house, Mom.

Oh, I know. This house
is not for me. It's for you.

-Me?
-You and Luke.

Now before you get your nose out
of joint and accuse me of interfering,

hear me out.

I think your house is very nice.

I know you've put
a lot of work into it

but, Lorelai, it's too
small for the two of you.

Especially when you have
children. If you have children, I mean.

A man needs his own space and room
and Luke does not have that at your house.

Also, I know you've
always wanted horses,

so I thought something with a
little bit of property might be nice.

Now, I know it's not
actually in Stars Hollow,

but it's right on the border.

It's only an extra ten minutes to the
inn and an extra five minutes to the diner.

Plus, I did a little
nosing around

and I heard that if you grease the palm
of the Stars Hollow zoning commissioner,

a man named Taylor Doose,

you can get him to
change property lines.

So we can give you a
Stars Hollow address,

if it's really important to you.

You wanna buy us a house?

Well, I know you're not going
to let me give you a wedding,

so I thought a house would do.

All that running
around Stars Hollow,

you and Dad were
looking for a house for me?

Well, of course. You didn't think
we wanted to live there, did you?

Small-town charm is good
for a weekend, Lorelai,

but I have no interest in having

a next-door neighbor walk
in with a pie, wanting to chat.

I would kill myself
and my neighbors.

Now, I'm sure Luke will
need some convincing.

He doesn't look
like the kind of man

who willingly takes
extravagant gifts from people.

So I've concocted a few
good lies we can tell him.

It's for his own good and once
the two of you are in the house...

-It's not gonna happen.
-What?

Well, of course it will.

If we have to pay more
than the asking price,

-your father and I are totally prepared...
-Luke and I,

the wedding,

it's not gonna happen.

What?

[SNIFFLING]

-Jackson!
-Keep up!

-Stop trotting.
-We're on a mission here.

But the faster we move,

the more chance there
is we'll draw attention.

No, the slower we move,

the more time there is to have
people's attention drawn to us.

-I'm toting heavy bags here.
-Don't say that out loud.

I didn't say what
was in the bag.

And not saying what's in the
bag is going to make people think

that we have something
in it that we're hiding.

Narcs!

What the hell are the
Petersons doing out this late?

They're bad. They're bad people.

Said the people trying
to ditch a kilo of weed.

-Sookie, the code word!
-Pickles, pickles!

I know, the pickles! Let's just
get rid of this and go home.

-Oh, God!
-Hey, you two. What's up?

-Nothing.
-Nothing's going on here.

I just got the most
incredible news.

A tour manager was walking
around town, and he heard me sing,

and he asked me to open for Neil
Young on a bunch of East Coast dates!

-Great.
-See you.

-That was close.
-Wait, does Neil toke?

We could give all of this to the
Town Troubadour to give to him.

I think if he tokes, he's
already got a connection.

Of course. He's Neil Young.

[TITTERING NERVOUSLY]

-SOOKIE: Reverend Skinner!
-JACKSON: Rabbi Barans!

-Hello, you two.
-What are you doing out this late?

Yeah, what are you
doing out this late?

Archie and I like to take a
stroll around town at night.

-It's so quiet.
-Good time to talk about philosophy.

-Good time to talk about God.
-Yes, it's a great time to talk about God.

-He's a good guy, that God.
-Would you like to join us?

-No!
-No!

-We're going to hell!
-Just keep running!

-SOOKIE: Who is it?
-LORELAI: Me!

-Hey.
-Honey, what are you doing here?

Can I come in?

-Of course.
-Come on in.

-Can we get you something?
-No, thanks.

I just need to hang
out for a while.

-Sit, honey.
-JACKSON: Yeah, sit.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

-What's that smell?
-68 pounds of marijuana.