Original subtitles

Bilko reporting for sick call.

How many sick men you got?

Fall.

Come on in.

Okay, let's start the game. Two bucks a head. The guy in the library only

charges a buck. That's my price. Take it or leave it.

He's got me, fellas. This is the only safe place left on a post to gamble.

Not too bad. This isn't England. At least they got socialized medicine

Okay, here.

Where are we going to play?

Use the operating table there. Okay. That's great. Now we can lose our money

appendix at the same time.

He's out on an emergency call. How do you know?

What do you think called him? Look alive.

All right, gentlemen, the game is blackjack. Here's my money. Put that

away. Medic, give me those seltzer tablets and a glass of water for each

Put the money away. Suppose somebody walked in there and saw the money.

As I said before, gentlemen, the name of the game is blackjack.

This is the bank. There's 25 chips in here.

Five for each man. You each owe me five dollars, right?

That is your start.

Here's blackjack. Oh, boy, this is the way I like to play cards. Safe and

sanitary. Now you do it, all right?

Here we go. We're rocking and rolling all the time. Bet your chips right now.

Blackjack, put down. How much are you betting? You, you, you, you, me. You,

you, me.

And the dealer has an ace.

Young Dr. Malone is starting early this evening. Oh, wait. Now, wait. We haven't

even started.

It's the Colonel. Give me a little chip. Put him in the water. Quick.

Very natural. Be very natural.

What's going on here, Bilbo?

Nothing, sir. Just a bad case of mass indigestion. We'll be all right in no

at all. So drink up, men.

You mean you all just happen to get indigestion together?

You see, sir, we believe it's Sergeant Ritzick's fault, sir. Last night he

served us veal, ragout, and I think he put too much rag and not enough goo in

it, sir.

You know what I think, Bill Crow? You're using this dispensary to gamble in,

just like you use the library, the laundry room, and my garage.

Oh, really, sir?

Gambling in the doctor's office? I have much too much respect for the medical

profession to do that, sir.

I see.

What are these?

Get well cards?

Well, look what the doctor has under the sheet.

Well, I guess there's no harm in relaxing with a little solitaire in

operations, is there? You can't fool me, Belko. These are your cards. And the

chips must be around somewhere.

Oh, that's where they are.

You drank them.

Captain Allen, looks like you're the big winner.

Oh, no, sir. We just started playing. Oh, sir, he doesn't know what he's

sir. He's feverish. Where is the doctor? There's never a doctor now when you

need one. Doctor!

Quiet!

You're looking at the doctor right now. And this doctor is going to give you a

little prescription for you and your platoon.

Work. Hard work. Very hard work. Oh, sir, do you think that's right with the

being so sick and all? They really are very sick.

Quiet! Quiet!

Tomorrow you will report to the Grove City USO.

They've requested a detail of volunteers to clean the building from top to

bottom. You'll be glad to volunteer, won't you, Bilko?

I thought so, Bilko.

Now, you be at the USO at eight in the morning.

Right this way, gentlemen, and do be careful of the stairs.

Follow me.

Hey, Sarge, look at the gambling tables and the roulette wheel. How about that?

The USO is just up front.

I'm afraid it's an awful mess. I hope you don't mind cleaning up down here. I

would love cleaning up down here.

What are these games of chance doing here?

All these things belong to the original owner of the house.

Nick the Greek lived here?

He was a Mexican.

The house was built by General Hernando over a hundred years ago.

I'd like to know his decorator.

Look, uh...

How come the cops never raided this place? It's illegal.

Oh, the police know all about this room.

Strangely enough, this is the only place in California where gambling is legal.

Uh, would you mind repeating that sentence about gambling being illegal in

house? Oh, that's only a technicality. Well, let's get technical. You see, I'm

doing a thesis on early American gambling. I mean, history.

I'm a little vague about it, but it all started back in 1848 when General...

Yes, yes. Oh, Mr. Adams, we seem to have run out of ping pong balls upstairs.

Look under the sofa. We're very disappointed.

But, Miss Adams, we're right in the middle of a tournament. Do you mind?

Ping -pong may be through around here. We're talking about apartments. Well,

back in 1848, General Hernando retired from the Mexican Army and helped the

settlers in California.

Oh, viva la Hernando. And in a gratitude, the governor decreed that

General Hernando's house would gambling be permitted. Viva la California. That

means gambling is legal in his house. Oh, I don't know, but I'm sure you could

look up the old brat in the courthouse.

Well... Sergeant, you don't need me anymore. I'm sure you know what to do

here. Yes, we know exactly what to do. All right, fellas, let's clean up here.

I'm sure the ladies will have some hot cocoa for us when we're through.

How about that?

Legalized gambling right here in Grove City. Hey, that means as long as we play

in this building, the cops can't touch us. What do you mean, touch us? They'll

be in here playing with us.

Let's get over to the old courthouse. Where are you going?

Stay here and wait.

grants, 1850.

Listen to this one. The state of California hereby grants to Mr. William

100 acres of wood.

Hereafter, it will be called Holly's Woods, California.

How about that?

Look at the rest of this.

When Mr. Holly died, he left 20 acres of hills to his little granddaughter,

Beverly.

We're looking at history. All that land just being given away.

Well, my grandfather should have been here. What a city that would have made.

San Fran Bilko.

General Rayfield Hernando.

This is it, gentlemen.

The next few lines tell us where there's going to be another California gold

rush. Read it. I need to read it.

No, no, read it out loud.

Please. I'm not through praying yet.

You better read it, Henshaw. My eyeballs are revolving.

The state of California.

Hereby grants the General Raphael Hernando immunity to the gambling laws

California as long as his house shall remain in existence.

Did you hear that, Ernie? Immunity to the gambling laws. This is it. Something

always dreamed about.

A vaccination against the police. Boys, this is it. What? We can be open by

payday. Open what?

Ernie Bilko's Hacienda Club, a private gambling casino open only to the public

24 hours a day. Yeah, but the building belongs to the USO. So what? America

belonged to the Indians.

We were going to take over the USO? The minute they lose their lease, we step

in. But Ernie, wait a minute. How are we going to get the USO to move?

Simple. A boycott. We keep the soldiers away from the USO and once their

business falls off, they're stuck with a kitchen full of cold cocoa and stale

donuts and they start looking for a new location.

Brilliant. Ernie, if your brains were harnessed for peaceful purposes, you'd

the Nobel Prize.

Come on.

We're losing money. Come on.

I was able to catch the first inning of the ball game on TV. Oh, I'm sorry,

fellas. The TV will be shut off today, but they'll be announcing the scores all

during the contest.

What contest?

The flower arrangement contest over here. Here are some tunas for your

some daffodils for your friend, a glass and all the water you need. Are you

kidding, Mac?

Come on, let's find a bar with a TV set. Oh, you'll be sorry. The first prize is

a monogrammed window box.

You get lonely in there, huh? I get a lot lonelier. If this keeps up a few

days, we'll shut them down. Here comes another one.

Hi, it's oldie just in time. We're having a poetry festival today.

Poetry festival? Oh, yes. Isn't it exciting?

They're doing Longfellow.

Under the spreading chestnut tree. The village smithy stands.

The smithy at law. Oh, wait, you've got to buy the shorts of Kitchy Gooby.

Here, let me see the lease again, huh? Here it is, Pavel.

sealed and delivered. Oh, boy, three years with options. I already took up

options. We've done it for five years.

Oh, there she is. Isn't she lovely?

Promise her anything, but give her our page.

Edna, my love, the colonel in. What are you asking me for? Don't you have him

under 24 -hour guard?

I'm the boss of the casino.

This is it.

Come in.

Sir? What is it, Bilko? Well, as you know, sir, I have a two -week furlough

coming up.

Oh, yes. I almost forgot the pattern. Two weeks on and two weeks off.

If only at least I had a pencil. I could write down these businesses and stuff.

Why don't you put them in a book? Then it's said we'll publish it in a minute,

sir. All right. Hand me the furlough paper, Bill. Yes, sir. The way I look at

it, a two -week furlough for you is like a two -week vacation for me.

Thank you, sir.

Well, I suppose I'll get the usual postcard from Las Vegas. Oh, no, sir.

staying right here in town. You see, I'm opening a little business and I want to

get it started.

A business?

What kind of a shady operation is it, Bilko? It's not shady at all. It's

perfectly legitimate. It's all very legal.

Really? And what is it?

A gambling casino.

A gambling casino?

You almost had me going, Bilko.

A gambling casino.

You would like that, wouldn't you? Opening a gambling casino. Like the

fulfillment of my life's dreams, sir.

Where are you going to have this gambling casino, Bilko? Out near the

airport? No, sir. Right in the center of town, sir. Don't tell me. I know.

You've taken over the old USO building.

That's it, sir. How do you like this thing?

Wilco's Hacienda Club.

All right, Wilco. A joke's a joke. That's enough.

Yes, sir. Oh, sir. The grand opening is Saturday night. We'd like you to be one

of our guests. Wilco and Wilco.

Yeah,

we've seen her on Grove City.

Oh, it's impossible.

Impossible.

I must keep saying that.

I want to keep my sound.

All right, come on, move it. Move it.

Get the customers coming and go. Move it.

This roulette pad just came back from the cleaners. All right, set it up. Now

we'll take the customers to the cleaners. Move it.

Hey, Sarge.

Sarge. I just ordered the chips over the telephone.

Did you get the right colors, white, red, and blue?

No, only solid.

Jerk. Not the candy chips. All the chips. Move it. Sarge. Sarge.

Quick, the colonel's coming. Let's get out of here.

That's all the panic.

That's right, I forget.

They were legitimate.

I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Welcome, sir, to the Hacienda Club.

We're not open yet officially, sir, but if you want to take a little flyer or

something. I don't believe it. I was walking along the street and everything

looked just as usual and suddenly I saw it. The Hacienda Club.

24 -hour gambling.

Ernest Bilko, your host.

I don't believe it. Oh, it's true, sir. I finally reap the fruits of my labor.

Bill, are you out of your mind? You know you can't have gambling in California.

I'll have this place closed in five minutes. Where's the phone? Sir, you

seem to understand. These restrictions don't apply to me.

They don't, huh? You make your own law.

Well, no, but I have the original one photostated, sir. As you see, I have the

complete sanction of the first governor of California.

You're really prepared, aren't you, Bilko? Oh, yes. This morning I had a

long talk with the chief of police and the mayor, and oh, it's wonderful, sir.

Look, it's as legal as a supermarket.

Well, I can stop you, Bilko. You're still in the army. And proud to be, sir.

as you know, the army law states, sir, a man can indulge in his own business if

it's on his own time.

There must be some way to stop you.

I don't know which way, sir. I looked and looked. I couldn't seem to find it.

These are not my words, Bilko, but mark them well.

I shall return.

Oh, he's mad.

I hope he don't come here again, but he looks like a sore loser.

All right, let's work.

Everybody, everybody, let's get this place packing.

Sir, I just gently want to see you. Oh, how do you do, sir? You must be from the

paper -toweling concession.

No. See, I attended to Mr.

Doberman. Oh, my business is with you. With me? Well, please be brief. I'm very

busy. Well, my name is Travis Randall, and I represent the Consolidated

Amusement Corporation.

It has come to the attention of our board that you are opening a gambling

establishment in Grove City. Yes, this Saturday night the Wheel of Fortune

up at my lucky number.

Well, on behalf of our organization, may we wish you success in your new

venture. Thank you. And may we extend an invitation to you to visit us this

evening to discuss a business proposition.

Business proposition? What kind of a proposition? Well, Mr.

Correll will discuss that with you tonight. The address is on the card.

Eight o 'clock? Yes. Thank you.

Hey, sir.

What's this all about?

I'm in. I'm in! You're in where?

Don't you see?

Consolidated amusement corporation.

Rudy Carell president.

This is like the General Motors of gambling.

What do I want you for?

Oh, don't you see? They want to complete the link. Las Vegas, Havana, now Grove

City. Oh, boys, I'm finally on my way to the top.

I'm with the big boys.

You know something? What? It's not true. What's not true, Ernie?

Nice guys don't finish last.

Sergeant Pilker, how nice of you to come. I'm Rudy Carrell and these are my

associates. Mr. Medwick of our Detroit office and Mr.

Franklin of Miami.

Mr. Franklin, glad to meet you. Say, haven't we met before?

No, I don't think so. I've seen that face, of course, on television.

The McClellan hearing.

Say, you gave that young senator his what for?

I mean, you're not opening your books to anybody.

Yes, Sergeant, we've had our little troubles, but Mr. Randolph, our

has been a great help. Now, can I offer you anything? Coffee? Cognac? No,

thanks. Later, perhaps. Well, please sit down. We'll have a little chat. Thank

you. Now, here's how I run my operation. I get the boys... How do the chatting,

Sergeant Bilko? You do the listening. Now, let me explain how our organization

works. At the end of every business week, all the proceeds from the gambling

casinos are sent into the main office.

Oh, I see. And then it's divided equally amongst us four stockholders?

Not quite.

You see, Sergeant, as a new member in the organization, there are certain

introductory charges that come out of your share.

Oh. I see, like paying dues.

Yes.

Very roughly to begin with, you will pay 25 % of your gross to ask for services.

Services? What services?

Just services.

Oh, well.

It's deductible and it leaves me with a neat 75%. Not quite. You see, there's a

30 % charge for gambling equipment.

Oh, that's where I have you. I have my own gambling equipment.

Wonderful. Then you'll just have to pay for the maintenance, which comes out to

30%. Maintenance? I have the finest repairman in the country.

But I have the biggest repairman in the country.

Well, that just leaves me 45%. Not quite.

You see, there's an additional 30 % charge for overhead.

Overhead? What overhead?

Sergeant Bilko, this house doesn't come cheap.

Well, what has this house got to do with me?

What color is this house, Sergeant?

White. May I remind you that the President always lives in the White

Mr. President.

It only leaves me with 15%. Not quite.

Not quite. You see, there's an additional 15 % charge.

For what?

We're working on it.

We've worked it out. I'm left with nothing.

Not quite.

You will get completely and without charge all the money taken in on the hat

check concession.

Hat check concession. Well, this is California. It's warm. Nobody wears

I'm afraid that is the way the cookie crumbles.

It's a very attractive offer, but I'm not interested. Sergeant Milko, I'm not

interested that you're not interested.

Mr. Randolph, could we have the necessary papers, please? Papers? Well,

the way you've got it worked out, I'm getting... Actually, I walk out of here

with nothing.

Financially, perhaps.

But at least you walk out of here.

Now, here's an agreement whereby you sub -lease the casino to us. Oh, I see. And

then we're partners.

Not... Quiet.

You are a partner. We are the owners. Sign it, please.

Oh, well, I'd like to have my attorney look at this. Well, certainly.

Mr. Randolph, would you look this over, please, for your client? Happy to.

Looks fine to me.

Very good.

Now, I'll just file this with the real estate agent, and then everything will

absolutely legal and official. Good day, Sergeant Bilbo. See you Saturday night

at the opening. Oh, yes, but don't send me any flowers for good luck. I don't

think I can afford it.

You mean after all our work, they're going to take everything?

Not quite.

They're leaving me the hat check concession.

Why didn't you tell them off?

If I told them off, do you think I'd be here now telling you that I told them

off? Hey, Sarge, why don't we give them the hat check concession, too, and get

out while we're all still healthy?

You think they would stop? You think they'd be satisfied muscling in on the

casino? Not these guys. They wouldn't be happy until they put the screws on

every honest citizen in Grove City.

Gee, I'm scared, and I'm in the army.

All right.

I let those rats in. It's up to me to see if they get out.

Let's go in and tear them apart, Sarge. For the time being, let's use my brain.

When I want brawn, I'll send for you. All right, well, how are you going to

rid of them, Sarge? They're pretty smart cookies.

Hey, Sarge, maybe I can help. I used to be a junior G -man.

You can't continue to grow up.

Goldman, you got a picture of you when you were a civilian?

Yeah, but it ain't too good, Sarge. Let me look at it.

Hey, Sarge, what are you going to do with my picture?

Goldman, I'm going to squeal on you to the big boys. I'm going to tell them who

you really are.

Who am I?

An undercover man for the FBI.

That's a pretty big cover he's under.

That's the paper. I'm going to write an anonymous letter.

Bender, get my suitcase. I'm a double. Are you leaving town, Sarge? No, but the

big boys are. I have to pay them a little visit tomorrow.

Put it back, Sarge. Good boy, Sarge. Here, take a letter, but be sure that

picture goes with the letter. Right.

Dear Mr. Carell, you done me a good turn once when I was in a jam with the cops.

Now it's time I done one for you.

I don't know what business you have in Grove City, but the FBI has one of their

crack agents there.

His name is Steve Polachek, and he works strictly undercover.

Watch out.

He is fast in the planes department. He got me for four years.

I've been closing his picture. Good luck and thanks again.

A friend.

Ever seen him before, Randall?

How about you? I don't get it. Why should the FBI send a man here? We got a

legal operation?

Perhaps it isn't legal.

What do you mean?

They've been after us for years.

Doesn't it suddenly seem strange that only one house in all of California has

legalized gambling?

Well, you checked the deed in the courthouse yourself.

There could have been forgeries. Why?

To trick us into opening an illegal gambling operation.

Once we open up on Saturday night, we're sitting ducks for the DA. Oh, maybe

we're jumping to conclusions.

This FBI man may be in Grove City on completely different business. Rudy,

soldier Bilko is here. He says it's important.

Show him in.

Okay, Bilko.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

What's so important, Bilbo? Well, I got a lot of thinking last night, and I've

come to the conclusion I'm not ready for the big time, so I decided to turn the

whole business over to you. Oh, you have? Yes.

I've drawn up this paper that gives you the casino lock, stock, and craft deals

if you just sign this with me. What's your hurry, Bilbo? Hurry?

Um, no.

Hurry? My plane only for two hours.

What are you so panicky about?

Oh, it was panicky. I'm not... It was just sinus release. Okay, Bill, go. We

want the truth now. What are you trying to hide?

Me. They're out to get me.

Who's out to get you? I don't know.

Strange things are happening at the casino.

What's wrong?

Every time I lift the phone, I hear this click, click, click, click. Sounds like

a hat. No.

Sounds like a click, click, click, click. I don't know what you saw that

What other?

I found this in the waste paper basket. A microphone.

They've got the place bugged.

But who could do it? Who'd be out to get me? They're all my own boys.

Maybe it's one of your men.

No, never in a million years. These guys are what? Look, I even carry this

picture of them as a remembrance.

Did you ever see a more loyal group than that?

Who's this little fat man? Oh, that's Doberman. He's the favorite. He keeps us

chuckling all the time.

Really? Take a look at this picture.

Oh, Dwayne as a civilian.

Not quite as an FBI man.

That's Steve Pollack.

Doberman? My Doberman?

I just took a shower with him yesterday.

Hey,

why didn't I think of it? Of course, Doberman.

He installed the phone.

It was Doberman that cleansed my waste paper basket three times a day. I should

have listened to you, Randolph. I'm sure now that he'd walk aboard, Jerry, but

they don't have us yet. We just won't open the casino.

We're still in trouble. That place is loaded with gambling equipment.

And that lease is filed in our name.

Simon's paper so I can catch my plane. Shut up, Bilko. Think, Randolph. This is

your department.

Wait a minute.

I just mailed that lease to the real estate office. They won't get it until

tomorrow morning. Tomorrow? I'll be in Hawaii tomorrow.

But the gambling system is still there.

The police are probably just waiting for us to come and do that.

Yes, but if we leave it there, the cops will walk in and have the goods on us.

We've got to get rid of that gambling casino.

We've got to change that building overnight into something legitimate,

beauty parlor or a flower shop. I got it!

A place the cops would never suspect.

A U .S .O. A U .S .O.

That's not a bad idea. How fast can you do it, Bilko? Well, with your money and

my boys, a couple of hours. What do you need?

What do I need? Well, we need a ping -pong table, a billiard table, a piano,

doughnut machine. Is that all?

Not quite.

Sneak!

I can't get over it!

I can do what he considers the many pleasant hours I spend here. Oh,

incidentally, here's the lease.

Signed over to the USO. My partner wanted it that way. Oh, wonderful. Who

We'd like to thank him. Well, if you don't mind, he prefers to remain

Oh, I see. Well, Sarge, it's all done. We're burning all the gambling equipment

in the back. Want to go out and see it? I'm afraid my tears will put out the

fire.

Oh, sir, welcome to the USO.

I don't know what you're doing, Belko, but I'm sure it's just a front for a

gambling joint. No, sir, it's just the same old good old U .S .O. So why don't

you have some coffee and some donuts, sir?

Donuts? Well, they're probably little roulette wheels.

Good old -fashioned hymn sing.

Hymn sing. Freeze!

Freeze, you creeps. You heard the house. This is the hymn sing. Now, round the

piano, quickly.

I will sing it clearly, with reverence, and very, very out -co -polko.

Murray Matheson as Rudy Corral. Daryl Miranda is insistent.