All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e14 Bilko and the Medium

Will you watch where you're going,
Rupert? Don't you slow up when you get

corner? I told you a million times to
have these brakes fixed. I hate this

It's falling apart.

Why can't we have a decent car like
everybody else? I'm sick and tired of

in this dirty old heat.

This car has nothing. No heater, no seat
covers. And why don't you get a radio?

I got one, only I can't shut it off.

You know why?

She looks just like you.

You'd like to get rid of me, wouldn't
you? But believe me, if I go first, I'll

come back and haunt you.

Why leave?

You're doing a pretty good job right
now.

I want to go home. Now, you take me home
right this minute.

No, you can't. Madame Zapota said it was
very important for us to attend the

seance tonight. She said there's a good
chance of contacting the spirits.

Look, there's Madame Zapota's house.

She must be home. There's no lights on.
Come on.

Let all mortals be still so the voice of
the spirits can be heard.

If you hear me, oh, spirits, then give
us your sign. And if it is yes, not

twice.

Walter, did you hear that? Yes, ma 'am.

Identify yourself, oh spirit.

It's Mr.

and Mrs. Riddick. Can we come in?

Please place your hands upon the table
so that you'll be able to touch them.

First time you've held my hand in eight
years.

She's making contact.

You disconnect us.

I feel the presence of immortal beings.

If you are in this circle, give us your
sign.

There's someone here.

I don't see anyone.

That's how you know they're here.

Wait. I feel the spirit of a man. A man
who left us many years ago. He's trying

to contact an earthly being.

Someone in this room you are trying to
contact.

It's a me. It's a me. I'll take it.

Is this room what you are seeking?

We have made contact, Mr.

Ritzik. The spirits have favored you.
You may communicate.

Is that you, Grandpa?

How's Grandma?

Have you got any manners?

Introduce me to your grandfather.

Oh, Emma, this is my grandfather.

Grandpa, this is my wife, Emma.

How do you do, Grandpa?

Rupert told me all about you, but just
the other day... Oh, shut up, Emma. He

hasn't got all my... Grandpa, you want
to tell me?

What? What? Is your grandson about to
receive a blessing?

You and your big mouth, Emma. Tell her
to get back in the trance. Tell her to

ask Grandpa about the money. I'm sorry.
The spirits have departed. They shall

not return.

That'll be five dollars each, please.

Here. In case Grandpa calls back, tell
him I'll be in next Thursday.

Who was it?

Was there anything about the money? No.

It's Bilko for me. He's on his way over
here. He sounded awfully sweet on the

phone. He did?

Now I know we're coming into money. If
Bilko's sweet to you, he must know

something. Oh, stop with the money,
Rupert. Those mediums tell that to

everybody. It's a lot of phony baloney.

Will you shut up, Emma?

Grandpa might be listening.

He heard us. Now he's going to be mad at
us.

Oh, just somebody at the door. Answer
it.

Western Union for Rupert Ritchie.

Telegraph for me. Here.

Don't open it. Don't open it, Rupert.
Telegrams make me nervous.

Well, what does it say? What does it
say?

Well, let me read it.

Ooh. Ooh.

I won. I won. I won. Why did you win,
Rupert? What? Second prize at the Legion

Post raffle. A thousand bucks. I knew
it. I knew it. Let me see that telegram.

That Madame Zoboda said we were going to
come into money, and you didn't believe

it. Oh, I believe, Rupert. I believe.

Oh, boy, a thousand bucks. A thousand
bucks. Oh, Rupert, listen.

Oh, wait a minute.

Stilko's on his way over here. If he
knows that we won a thousand dollars,

never see one penny of that money.
You're right here.

Eat this telegram.

I'll go get you some water. Wait a
minute.

Must be Rupert. Wait a minute.

No, he'll only smell the smoke and start
asking questions. You've got to hide

it. Well, where can I hide it? Where?

Where's the place I hide it? In the
dictionary. Put it in the dictionary.

one is the dictionary?

Come back when you're done.

Congratulations,

Emma Rupert. You're a very lucky man.
How did he know? How did he know?

How did I know?

Because I counted the votes. That's how
I know. And congratulations to you,

Emma. You have been crowned. You are
Camp Fremont's wife of the year. Wife of

the year. Yes, and you can be very happy
for your little homemaker here. She won

on all three counts.

Intelligence, sensitivity.

And beauty.

And cooking.

Congratulations to you, Emma. There you
are.

Long live the queen.

Long live the queen. Just a minute,
Bilko. You're not... You're crowning me

nothing. You want something.

Nothing, my dear, nothing at all. Of
course, if you're too excited, we'll

discuss the other prizes later. Out
prizes? What prizes? First, we have this

lovely match set of Swiss cultured
pearls.

Swiss pearls? Oh, there's more, there's
more, my dear. And here we have a lovely

rare chanchilla stole.

A chanchilla stole?

No, my dear, you didn't understand.

Chanchilla stole. It's a much rarer
pearl.

Seven years alone to raise enough
chanches for one stoleware.

Shut up, Rupert. What else did I win,
Bilko?

Security for life. A half interest in
Bilko's pool room and bowling alleys. If

you'll just sign this deed of
partnership, my dear, and you'll be so

security... Oh, what?

We what? Our own bowling alley.

Side that, ever side it. Do you mind
putting your hand away, Bilko? I'd like

see what I'm signing. Oh, my dear, it's
just another legal folder. I'll sign

your majesty right here.

Wait a minute, Bilko. What's this
between your fingers? Something about

house. Oh, no, no. It just shows that
you have a house and we know where to

you the monthly dividend checks. This is
an application for a loan and you want

to use our house.

collateral. Get out of here, Bilko, and
take your junkies back. You don't

understand. It's a harmless word. It
comes from the Latin word collodium. It

means trust.

It's an American word, and it means
crook. Now, get out of here.

Why don't you try to understand
collodium and collateral?

Don't you have a dictionary in the
house? Well, of course we have a

What do you think we are, stupid?

Well, I want to see what collateral
means.

Why are we so excited about a word?

We'll look it up and then we'll all be
convinced. Now, collateral, A.

B. C. Now we'll see what collateral...
Dear Sergeant Ritzick, you have won $1

,000 second prize in the post -legion
raffle.

$1 ,000?

He didn't find it stupid. You gave it to
him.

That's what I call collateral.

Forget about it, Bilko. You're not
getting one penny. of that money. She's

pushing me again. I'm doing this for
you. Don't you realize the three largest

industries in America are chemicals,
steel, and bowling.

Convince her, Rupert.

Give him the money, Emma, as long as he
doesn't get our collateral.

He's not going to get one penny of that
money. Now, when you get out of here,

they'll go and let us get some sleep.
Again, she's pushing me. I'm trying to

help you. If you say one more word about
that money, I'm going to scream.

But look, Emma, all I want...

Ernie. I can't hear her.

I think she punched me in my ear.

I'll sue her for the $500.

Give up, Ernie. You'll never get a
nickel out of Emma.

That's right. We've got to work on
Rupert. Oh, if I only get my hands on

weak mind for a few minutes. Yeah, but
when? By tomorrow morning, Emma will

the money in the savings bank.

You're right. We've got to work on
Rupert tonight while Emma is asleep.

Right for the year.

Rupert! Is that you, Grandpa?

Is it Grandma?

No, it's me, Ernie Bilko.

Ernie, when did you die?

Oh, it's you.

Well, I hate to knock on it. I thought
it was my grandfather.

Grandfather? I thought he's been dead
for 20 years.

Yeah, but we keep in touch.

Yeah, are you?

I wonder. What do you mean you keep in
touch with your grandfather?

Well, I contacted him in the spirit
world tonight.

Madame Zoboda arranged it. Madame
Zoboda?

Yes, she's the medium here in Grove
City. She even told Emma and I that

coming into money.

She did?

Boy, I'll never doubt what a medium ever
tells me again.

You won't, huh?

No. Say, by the way, what do you want to
talk to me about?

Oh, just a mistake. I tapped on the
wrong window.

Go on.

Go back to sleep and keep it quiet.
Don't start off this siren again.

I'll bet he was sleeping out on our
porch all night.

Good morning, Rupert. Good morning,
Emma. I hate to say you love Bert so

but this is very important. Was anybody
here looking for me? For you? No.

I knew it. I knew it. It was a phony.
And yet last night when she told me, I

believed it. Who told you what?

Madam Flossie.

Is she a medium? Is she a medium? She's
the best in the trade. They call her the

medium's medium.

It wasn't what she told me. It was what
it told me. And it told me I would

receive good news at the home of a
friend.

Can I ask you, here I am. At the home of
a friend. And I figured... Come in.

I thought we were looking all over camp
for you. Special delivery letter, just

arrived. Special delivery? Oh, it's
probably just a bill of some kind.

Who would want... There's a check for
$500.

$500? There's a note with this.

Dear soldier, this is to thank you for
returning our lost dog. I'll always be

grateful, signed Harold J. McMillan,
owner of Lassie.

Lassie? Who would have thought that fake
Holly was Lassie? She was right. Who

was right? Madam Flossie. She said good
news at the home of a friend. That's

right. And I didn't believe her. Now I
know why she's known as the first lady

the spirit world. Believe me, I'll go
back to that seance tonight.

Hey, Bilko, could we go with you?

Oh, well, I don't know. Do you believe?
Oh, we believe.

We believe.

to Flossie and set up two more chairs at
the table.

Come

on,

let's get going. I told her we'd be here
in eight o 'clock.

Well, we're all set, aren't we? Where's
Flossie? She's supposed to be in

costume. Flossie! Flossie! You're on in
five minutes.

Oh, really, Phil? Oh, this is
ridiculous.

I've got a beautiful dress to dress in.
Oh, why do we have to wear these

curtains? Because you are Flossie, queen
of the medium world. You understand?

That must be them.

Get behind the curtain. Hanch, back.
Hold it a minute.

Quick, quick.

Hanch, take care of the light.

Come in, come in.

Hi, Bilko. We late?

No, no. I just got here myself.

Are you the first one here? Oh, the
first live one.

Something wonderfully horrible is going
to happen tonight. Oh, wait just a

moment. We brought two friends along.

Friends? Yeah. Madam Sapota and Mr.
Gregory.

Madame Zoboda, the medium?

Yes, when Madame Zoboda heard there was
another medium town, she insisted on

coming with us. No, we didn't make prep.
This is Madame Zoboda.

How do you do? I'm very anxious to meet
Madame Flossie. Well, I'm very sorry.

You see, Madame Flossie had only
expected six here tonight. That is,

and three of them.

Your medium is not hindered by numbers.

No, I mean, it's a matter of
professional courtesy. I mean, you being

and her being a medium, she's got to be
nervous. I mean, I understand that Guy

Lombardo never plays when Sammy Kay is
in the room.

Madam Zoboda, who is our guest, has to
go. We'll go.

All right, but all these hands, I'm sure
the table will never get off the

ground.

Oh, I have an idea. Perhaps you'd rather
come back tomorrow. The day rates are

much cheaper.

Nonsense. We wouldn't dream of leaving
now.

No.

Oh, it's eight o 'clock.

There she is. Come on, just look at her.
She's the real thing.

Welcome, mortals, to the world of
beyond.

Oh, the bald goosey -bones.

Madam Fossey, these are my friends,
Sergeant... Silence!

The spirits will tell me their names.

They are Emma and Rupert Ritzick.

Amazing! Did you ever meet her before?

Never crossed my heart. And who are we,
Madame Flossie?

The spirit didn't tell me. I will have
to go into a trance and wait for a

message. Isn't she wonderful, Madame
Zoboda and Mr. Gregory?

They are Madame Zoboda and Mr.

Gregory.

Wonderful! Wonderful! What do they call
a Flossie? The fantastic.

I'm very interested in your work, Madame
Flossie, for you see, I too am a

medium. There will be no seance tonight.

Please, Madame, please.

Try. I'm sure the spirits will reward
you ten times more. They will have to

reward me twenty -five times.

I'm sure the spirits will be very
cooperative.

Very well, very well. Let us begin. Will
you all place your hands on the table?

Boy, two mediums at one table. We should
get right through tonight.

Oh, spirits, we are beckoning to you.
You are welcome to this house.

Enter.

Enter.

They usually knock.

Now, spirit, show us the sign of your
friendship and make this table rise.

Oh, look. The table is rising and all
our hands are on it. Isn't it amazing?

Must be from your family, Emma. They're
sure strong.

Let us see.

The voice of a spirit in pain.

I'm surprised at you, Mr. Gregory.

After all, you're in the same business.

I don't blame that spirit. If he leaves
this room immediately.

Look, there he goes.

By the door. Did you see? By the door.

I'm sorry for this interruption. I hope
the spell hasn't been broken. You go on,

Madame Blassie, please. Oh, spirit,
forgive those who doubt and reappear.

I never saw that one before.

Boy, Madame Blassie is really hot
tonight.

Look.

The spirit is materializing.

I wonder who it is. She must be your
aunt. She used to dress like that.

Would that be asking too much, Madam
Flossie? Eco -spirit.

Emma Ritzig, are you there?

Emma, it's for you. Answer it.

I can't. I'm scared.

Wait, hold it. She'll be right with you.
Emma, answer it.

This is Emma.

Who are you?

Don't you recognize my voice, Emma? You
have my picture on your wall at home. It

is your Uncle Herman.

Uncle Herman?

But you only...

money. Yes, we won a thousand dollars.
How did you know?

Rupert's grandpa told us.

He must have meant it must be a small
world up there.

Tell him what you did with the money,
Emma.

I put it in the bank, Uncle Herman.

Don't talk.

Why didn't you invest it?

In what, Uncle?

In one of the three great...

Dr. Bilko's got a bowling alley? Yes,
sir. It's a modest little pool room and

bowling alley, sir.

I'll leave it, Emma. Get in on the
ground floor.

Get the money out of the bank and give
it to him.

I will, Uncle. I will.

No, you won't, Mrs. Ritchie. Don't you
see this whole thing is a fraud?

It's a plot to get your money.

That's a lie.

Isn't it a lie? Tell him, Uncle Herman.
I'll prove you this thing is a hoax.

Just a minute, sir. Where are you going?
Darling, Emma will...

Explain this, Rocco and Henshaw. I'll
explain it, Bilko.

You're after our money and you've had
this whole thing rigged. Emma, I was

it for your own good. Believe me, your
Uncle Herman would have told you the

thing. Invest in the bowling alleys.
Believe me. Mrs. Ripsick, this is what

have to beware of.

Charlatans who pretend to be genuine
mediums. Yes, and we legitimate mediums

suffer because of impostors like thee. I
don't even put that money in the bank

with Bilko around.

Emma, that hurts.

What bank?

Mrs. Ripsick.

We'll protect your money.

How, Madame Zoboda? How? I will sleep
with it overnight in my seance room and

the spirits will come to me in a dream
and advise me what you should do with

Oh, Madame Zoboda, would you? I'll have
that money in my house for you tomorrow

night. Come, let us leave this place at
once.

I'm not only mad at you, but so is Uncle
Herman.

I feel sorry for you, Bucco. You haven't
got a friend in either place.

There you are, Mr. Gregory.

I think the manicure is to speed now.
Oh, miss, I'll get you a hot towel.

So you and Madame Zoboda are leaving
Grove City?

Yes, sir, on the midnight plane, right
after we transact a little business.

Hmm, what's that, miss?

Isn't your leaving a little sudden?

Ah, that's how it is in my business.

These things occasionally come up.
Excuse me, I forgot my cuticle scissors.

be right back.

Flossie, are you sure?

It was Mr. Gregory, huh? And they're
leaving on the midnight plane tonight?

Thanks, Flossie.

How do you like that? I knew those two
were crooks. Who, Ernie? Madam Zabor and

that Gregory.

I gotta stop Ritzik and give them the
money tonight. I won't stand by and see

friends taken.

Gee, Ernie, they really mean a lot to
you, don't they? Of course they do. Not

only the pool tables, but the bowling
alleys. I need every cent I can get.

Get in touch with Louie and Harry, the
bookmakers.

The bookmakers? How are they gonna help
you? I need men who are acquainted with

police work. Do what I tell you.

Nine hundred a thousand.

There you are, Madam Sabota. Thank you,
Mrs. Ritzig. I'll sleep on it tonight,

and tomorrow I'll know what you should
do with your money.

What time shall I pick it up in the
morning?

Well, I think we'll be awake by ten.

I'm tired, Gregory.

I think we should be running along.

Oh, I'm sorry. I hope we don't keep you
awake.

It's someone at the window.

It's Bilko.

Hey, what are you coming to the window
for?

You've got to help me. Hide me. Hide me.
What's the matter? For heaven's sake,

don't ask questions. Hide me. They're
closing in on me. Please.

Who's after you? The MPs? Oh, if it was
only the MPs. Why? Why did she turn me

in? Look, give me the keys to the car. I
can make the border by tonight.

Who turned you in? Madam Flossie. She
told the police about my phony medium

racket. You didn't know this, Emma, but
I've been in it for years.

Oh, Emma, please help me. Give me a fur
coat. I'll hide in the deep freeze.

We can have the house surrounded by now,
but you got nothing to worry about.

You're a legitimate medium. Emma,
please, give me a dress and a pair of

heels. Tell them I'm your sister.

Move it, quick. Fill the bathtub. Give
me a straw. I can stay underwater that

way for hours. Help me.

Don't shoot. Don't shoot. All right,
don't give us any trouble, Bilko. You

better come along quietly. I'm glad it's
all over with. Maybe now I can sleep at

night. Yeah, you'll sleep all right for
about ten years. Ten years?

Ten years.

Isn't that a little extreme for just
being a crooked medium?

Well, that's the law in this state ever
since the senator's wife was taken.

Well, don't let that stop you in the
wonderful work you're doing. Oh, this is

Madam Sabota and Mr. Gregory. Don't
blame them. They're legitimate mediums.

is that right?

Oh, yeah. We gave them a thousand
dollars. That's how much we trust them.

thousand? Wait.

I'm getting a message.

Gregory,

give them back their money.

What can we do with it, Madam Sabota?
The spirits say, buy government bonds.

Come, Gregory, I'm tired. Let's go home.

So long. I'll see you next Thursday.

I wouldn't bet on that about you, pal.
They're going to do a lot of traveling.

What do you mean?

What do I mean? They're phony mediums.
If they were legitimate mediums, they'd

run out of here like that.

Thanks,

boys. You did a great job. That was a
cinch. We just do what the cops do to us

every week.

Did you mean to tell me that they
weren't real cops?

Of course not. I had to resort to these
methods to bring you to your senses.

They would have taken you for every
penny you got.

Emma. Bilko saved all our money. The
least we could do is loan him $500 for

bowling alley. You're right. That's the
least we can do. Take it, take it,

Bilko. You deserve it.

Thanks. I'm all choked up. Gee, Bilko,
you're the best pal we ever had. You

certainly are.

So long, Bilko.

Yeah, so long.

Gee, Emma, I'm glad you gave him that
money.

You know, we had him wrong for all these
years. I think we did have him wrong.

Here's your money, Emma.

I just got a message.

Uncle Herman. He says, Also

seen in

tonight's cast were Joey Ross as
Sergeant Ritzig, Beatrice Ponds as Mrs.

Charlotte Ray as Flossie, Jory Remus as
Madame Zoboda, Kirby Smith as Gregory,

and Fred Stewart as Mr. Bascom.