All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e10 Bilko and the Chaplain

Black...

installation manned by some 10 ,000
American soldiers and located

100 miles southeast of San Francisco.

Frisco, as it is affectionately known,
is a great town for servicemen.

It has everything, wonderful
restaurants, beautiful girls.

No wonder the average serviceman heads
here whenever he gets a weekend pass.

But the story I'm about to tell you
doesn't concern an average serviceman.

Far from it. It concerns a certain
sergeant named Ernie Bilko and how he

spend this particular Saturday night in
San Francisco.

And Little Red Riding Hood said, What
big piece do you have?

The better to eat you with, said the
wolf, and eat her he did.

Unbelievable, isn't it?

And how does our playboy and khaki come
to be reading fairy tales to children?

I suppose it all started the week
before, when Bilko... Hey, Bob,

is the sergeant back yet? Not yet,
Henshin. He's two hours overdue. The

colonel's been asking about him. He
called me from San Francisco. Oh, yeah?

What'd he say? I don't know. We had a
bad connection.

Everything he said sounded like, wow,
wow, wow.

Hey, fellas, he's back. The sergeant's
back. Oh, yeah?

Hey, Ernie. Hi, Ernie. How was San
Francisco?

Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

Tell us all about it, son. Come on,
Sarge. Yeah.

Come on.

Will you lay off him?

Can't you see he's in no condition to
talk? This hits him once every couple of

months. What's he suffering from?

Ecstasy.

How's he doing? He'll be all right. Boy,
I haven't seen him this bad since

Rhonda the Redhead from Chicago.

How do you feel now, Sarge?

I'll be all right, Rock. Thanks. I
shouldn't have done it.

Done what?

As I got out of the Jeep, I looked at
her picture again and it started me all

over. Let's see it, Ernie. Yeah, don't
let me see it. One look at her and my

blood will start pulsating again.

Wow.

It's a knockout, Ernie. What do you
mean?

In a nightclub, ten minutes after we
met, we were holding hands.

Hit it off just like that.

Within an hour, I knew she was my kind
of a girl.

But she didn't pick up the check.

I'm not going to forget it. But I didn't
hear it.

Mamma mia. She's gorgeous.

All right, all right already.

This picture don't even do her justice.
Yeah? This picture don't show how soft

and fluffy she is.

How maddening is the scent of her
perfume. And when she kisses me, it's

thousand tom -toms pounding my chest.
I've got to go back and see her.

No,

no, she can't live without me. But
she'll still be there in two weeks. In

weeks, she's liable to forget me.

Sir, it's very urgent that I get to San
Francisco this weekend, sir. I'm

surprised to see you so soon. You
usually wait until you're unpacked.

You're trying to ease my pain, sir.

But... Well, who is it this time?

My Aunt Martha.

She's an aunt on my father's side, once
removed.

Bilko, I remember her. And once removed
is enough.

I don't understand, sir.

Bilko, she was buried last year in
Milwaukee during the World Series.

Oh, no, sir. That was my auntie Mildred
on my mother's side.

Absolutely no leave, Bilko.

But, sir, you just... Bilko, when will
you get it through your head that this

a military installation?

Not a place to change your shirt between
nightclubs? Sir, I didn't intend... I

won't have you traipsing all over
California. We've got work to do here.

the Army, Bilko. We need sleep -in help.

Before you make your final decision,
sir, think of my Aunt Martha lying there

a bed of pain. At the risk of seeming
hard -hearted, why don't you just call

up and say goodbye?

She has no telephone, and she's much too
weak to keep running down to the candy

store, sir.

Bilko, get out of here. Perhaps next
weekend, if she doesn't have a relapse,

can reopen it.

All right, sir. Hello, Bilko.

What's the matter with Bilko, sir? It's
his Aunt Martha.

Aunt Martha?

Isn't she the one who was buried in
Milwaukee last year? That's right. And

evidently it upset her because she's
sick again.

Oh, this just came in by officer
courier, sir.

It seems they're having a reception for
some Pentagon brass in San Francisco

next week. And the 6th Army Headquarters
wants each installation in the area

represented by a platoon.

I see. Any suggestions, sir?

Any platoon but bilto. Yes, sir.

As a matter of fact, give me that.

Yes, sir. And not a word of this to
anybody. If Bilko finds out we're

platoon to go to San Francisco, it'll be
more than his Aunt Martha.

It'll be a family epidemic.

You're quite right.

Why don't we take the platoon by the
merit system?

Good idea.

We'll send a platoon that gets the
highest work record for this week.

I see. And in that way, of course...
Exactly. Bilko won't have a ghost or a

chance.

She's such a doll.

Yes, we got 15 times already. Tell me
again.

She's beautiful.

She's gorgeous.

Watch that. You're ogling her. I won't
have you ogling her.

Make it easy, Ernie. You're driving
yourself back. I can't help it. I can't

her out of my mind.

Come on, Ernie. Now take these. Come sit
over here. That's all right.

Look, Ernie, look. You've got to do
something to get your mind off her. How

about a little game of poker? Are you
nuts? In my condition, even Ritzig would

beat me. I tell you, I'm going out of my
mind.

Well, there's only one solution, then.

Hard work.

You're going out of your mind, too.

That's all.

If you keep yourself busy enough, you
won't have time to think about it. You

mean like occupational therapy? Yeah,
something like that.

Hey, baby, that's the answer.

That's it. I'll keep myself busy. I'll
work. I'll get that platoon into shape.

I'll get that motor pool spanking clean.

That's it. Let's get cracking right now.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. It's 12

midnight. Are there any cancer wait till
tomorrow morning? No. I've got to keep

busy every minute. I'm going to wake
those creeps up. All right. All right.

and shine, you gold breakers on your
toes.

You've been goofing off pretty good
around here. But from now on, it's wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I feel better already.

Is that all you want yourself to tell
us? Well, then wait till we get up

tomorrow. I have no backtalk. These two
are the ringleaders. They spoke first.

Get me those two names. Now get this and
get it right. From now on, I want these

barracks kept spanking clean.

I want your nose to the grindstone. I
want work in a motor pool.

Mullen, Mullen, when I'm talking, open
your eyes.

I don't listen with my eyes. Put down
that backtalk of Mullen. All right.

Wait, wait, wait.

That's it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Be sure to get me up by 11 o 'clock.

Oh, boy, my feet are killing me. Oh,
mine too.

Hold it, hold it, will you? I just
washed the floor.

Rude. That bilko must be bucking for a
Section 8.

You fellas are griping. I haven't felt
this fit in years.

All right, what is it? The hen party?

Lay off. We just come up the drill
field.

It's two o 'clock. Aren't you supposed
to be at the rifle? What are you doing?

Get out of here.

Over here. I want you to get a pail with
soap and water and go over those walls

and make them spotless clean.

But, Sergeant. Oh, don't worry. If
you're careful, none of the water will

you. Move it.

We'll have to talk about her in 17 hours
and 20 minutes. Good.

Now that I'm cured, where did you hide
the picture? You sure you're all right?

Oh, perfect.

You know, as a matter of fact, I've
forgotten what she looks like. No

Wow.

Wow. Wow. I have to relapse you.

Give me that. Give me that. It's fine.
If you put one fingerprint on that girl,

I'm warning you. Sarge, Sarge, work.
Hard work. Hard work.

Hard work. That's it. Thanks, fellas.
Hard work.

What are you standing around here?
Didn't I give you an order? Didn't I

you to wash these floors?

Why aren't they clean? They are clean,
Sarge. What do you got these papers all

over the floor? I put it down to protect
the floor. Well, give me the raised

papers. What is this, a flop house?

Don't talk to me.

I'll give you an order to do some work.

Yes, Sarge, but can I rest a while? My
shoes are hurting me. Don't bother me.

See your blacksmith.

I just cleaned up the grease pit at the
motor pool. Well, what do you want, a

medal, Zimmerman? So I jumped paparazzi.

All right, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, Bronco. Hang on.

Get me to my room. I'm exhausted.

Are you sure, Barker?

There's no doubt about it, sir.

Bilker's platoon turned in the highest
efficiency rating in camp this week.

I thought it was a mirage. What's that,
sir?

I saw them on the drill field and I
thought it was a mirage.

I guess Bilko's platoon goes to San
Francisco after all.

I'm not surprised. I half expected it.

But why, sir? We were the only ones who
knew about this San Francisco

assignment. How did Bilko find out?

I don't know.

How does he find out anything?

For all we know, the chief of staff
never makes a move without consulting

Do I get the order, sir? Might as well.

Good afternoon, sir.

Right on time, huh, Bilko?

Oh, no, not exactly, sir. I expected to
have this estimate on your desk this

morning, sir. Relax, Bilko. You've won.

Won what, sir?

I wasn't born yesterday. You know as
well as I do that you and your men are

going to San Francisco.

We're going to San Francisco?

My boy, you would never make a living as
an actor.

San Francisco this weekend?

Tell me, Bilko.

Barker and I were the only ones that
knew about it. The message itself is

in my desk.

You can tell me.

How did you find out about it?

Find out what, sir?

Never mind, Bilko. I understand.

It's like asking a man who's committed
the perfect crime to spoil it with a

confession.

Sir, I don't really understand.

Dismissed. Thank you, sir.

Well,

sir, that's that.

We can't give up, Barker. If Bilko went
to all that trouble, he's got something

big brewing in San Francisco.

But what can we do, sir? We've got to do
something.

We just can't abandon the second largest
city in California.

For what it's worth, we've got to send
an officer to San Francisco with Bilko.

Good idea, sir. I'll call a meeting and
we'll ask for volunteers.

No, we can't take that chance.

We've got to have an officer that is
strong and alert and wise to all of

maneuvers.

I'd go, but my wife has something
planned for this weekend.

Whom can we send, sir? In this whole
camp, there must be one officer who can

a crimp in Bilko's style.

Busy, Colonel?

Come in.

Thank you. We were just talking about
you, Padre.

Where are we, Barca? Oh, yes, indeed.

Chaplain, would you like to go to San
Francisco this weekend?

Well, yes. As a matter of fact, I've
been doing some work up there on a

serviceman's children's center. But I
imagine you had something more specific

mind. Well, yes.

One of my men will be there this
weekend, and I think he could use your

resisting temptation.

Will you go?

Gladly. It'll be good seeing Sergeant
Bilko again.

48 hours in San Francisco. Wow!

46 hours. Two hours for the parade.

You want to send a telegram now, Sarge?
Oh, yeah. Take this down.

Let me see right... You know where to
send it. Yeah.

Dear Sherry, I'm on my way.

Let's make tonight a night to remember
all my love and then sign it... What?

I'll sign it myself.

All right, Rock. Send that out. Okay.

Simple. Rocko.

Not the broadcaster. I'm sorry. Move it.

Nosey. Nosey. I left it up. Turn that
right. The boys are ready to leave,

Well, we're all set. Okay, Hench. Check
me out. Pack.

Money. Got it. Send, send. Got it. I'll
pay Perky. Up.

Got it. You're all set. If I'm lucky, I
won't be back alive. All right.

Kaplan Donahue has put in three years of
hard work developing this children's

center. Bobby, I'm very sorry, but
business is business. Well, if it's more

you want, perhaps we could... The center
pays me $2 ,000 a year rent. That's

quite correct. All right, if I tear down
the building and put in a parking lot,

I'll gross $20 ,000 a year easy.

But you know we couldn't afford anywhere
near that amount. So if so, factor,

we've got to put in a parking lot. But
he signed a 15 -year lease.

How can you possibly cancel it? It's
strictly legal, believe me. The lease

signed has three -year options in the
landlord's favor.

I never saw that clause.

I don't know how you could miss it. It
was right there in fine print.

It doesn't do so much to the children of
servicemen in this area.

That may be true, but there also happens
to be in this city a crying need for

parking lots. But the children, they
need... Save your breath, John. If you

gentlemen will excuse me, I have a
business appointment.

Probably on his way to foreclose an
orphanage. A very shifty and

person.

John, I think we should fight fire with
fire.

But... I wouldn't even know where to
begin. We begin by going to the Drake

and finding Sergeant Bilko. I don't
understand.

Sergeant Bilko makes Mr.

Duncan look like a choir boy.

Mr.

Duncan's letter?

Is the Children's Center a worthy
charity?

Of course. Then let me quote the good
book.

When thou doest alms, let not thy left
hand know what thy right hand doeth.

And in the torment of my ecstasy, I
wrote this song.

I like to call it... Our Song.

Sweetheart, do you like it?

Well? Sounds kind of corny to me, Sarge.
Hey, Sarge, what's with all the

rehearsing? Listen, if I was Cary Grant,
I could ad -lib this. Me? I've got to

rehearse. Hench, turn out that light.

And tell me, which profile do you like
better?

The left?

I think you better turn on some more
lights.

It's nice knowing this crucial moment. I
got a jealous friend to rely on. Rocco.

Yeah. Spray some more perfume around the
room.

Let's have them here. Give the couch an
extra spritz.

Almost set. Well, come on. Out, out,
out.

Now, Rocco, on your way down. Stop at
room service. They got everything I

ordered. Check on everything. Come on.
On the door. Out.

was in San Francisco this weekend, so I
thought I'd look in on you. Oh, that was

nice of you, Padre. I'm not intruding,
am I? No, no, no, not at all. What's

scent? Smells like perfume.

Oh, no, no, it's just an insect spray.
It's like DDT, only more humane. Are you

and the boys enjoying your weekend?

Now, isn't that just like you, Padre, to
be concerned about the boys? As a

matter of fact, they're all on the
fourth floor. They'd love to see you.

don't you drop down and say hello?

On second thought... Why don't you stay
here and freshen up a bit? You'll find

everything you need.

Thank you very much. They'll go a little
cold water. Yes, yes, yes.

Noisy bell up.

Make yourself at home.

Sherry!

Look,

look, Sherry. I can't explain that, but
you've got to get out of here right

away. Why did you call me?

Never mind.

Tell me more. I've been waiting for a
week to tell you.

Look, Sherry, listen to me. You've got
to get out of here right away. Wait for

me downstairs in the lobby.

Look, before I lose my stripes, before I
lose my mind, honey, don't ask

questions. Ernie, do you have another
girl in here?

No, no. My army chaplain dropped in on
me, unexpected.

What's the matter?

Who ever heard of an army chaplain
wearing curfew?

Look, Sherry, baby, wait in the lobby.
Don't ask questions. I'll tell you...

Honey! Honey!

Honey! Honey!

Yes,

honey, I'll see that you get a liberal
tip the next time.

They'll go. I feel much better. Oh,
well, the boys would love...

At second thought, you look a little
peaked. Why don't you take a nap, Padre?

Well, no, thank you. I thought that you
and I... Padre, please.

These things happen.

Try to understand.

What, dear? Room service?

Oh, yes. I'll take care of it.

Oh,

I'll get that, Padre.

Hello? Ernie, I'm tired of standing down
here in this lobby.

Oh, yes. Yes, Henshaw.

Look, Henshaw, baby.

The corporal.

Honey, babe.

Bilko, I'm sorry.

You had your evening all planned and I
seem to have ruined it. No, I'll never

see her again. She's mad at me.

Such a sweet girl. Such a darling girl
and she'll never see me again.

She seems to be in excellent health.

I think I can convince her it was all a
mistake.

Oh, would you, Padre? I consider that a
great favor. Of course, Bilko. And

speaking of favors, there's something
you could do for me. Well, of course.

is it? I don't know how you'll do it,
and I don't want to know, but I'm sure

you'll find a way. Well, what is it,
Padre? Well, it seems my friend,

Donahue, ran into a scheming landlord...
Well, why are we standing here? Why

don't we sit down at dinner and discuss
this? Well... Be my guest, won't you,

Padre? An excellent idea.

They serve wonderful foodie. I think it
would... Ah, why don't we hear?

Squab, let me save you... Sorry.

Look,

lady, you got a penthouse apartment on
the 15th floor for $100 a month. What

you complaining about?

Lady, I never said the building had an
elevator.

Well, maybe she has got a point. After
all, it's 15 floors.

Look, you!

Don't tell me I don't run a real estate
business.

Assistance like you are a dime a dozen.

You want to keep eating steady, don't
butt in.

All right, Dad.

That's right.

Yes,

I am. Frank Duncan, a real estate
operator. That's right. What's this all

Right this way, sir. Major General
Ernest G. Bilko.

Who's that?

Let's get to the point.

I'm head of the Pentagon Land
Procurement Division.

What can I do for you, General? All I
have to say is top secret. We can't have

these civilians poking around out, boy.

But I'll tell you so loud, the best of
you men.

Greatness, that's how.

Joe, I know what you're going to say.

Why doesn't the... Pentagon, do business
with a bigger firm. Give me the small

American businessman.

Every time. Yes, sir.

Quickly, out.

All right, Duncan.

Before we discuss Army affairs, I must
know, are you a man that can be trusted?

Oh, yes, I am, Tony. Wave your head when
you see me. Take me out.

You know, we say you can tell a man's
honesty by the look in his eyes. By

I believe you are honest.

Thank you, sir.

Pentagon has authorized me to spend some
$15 million purchasing land in the San

Francisco area.

That's very interesting.

Now, my problem is simple.

I know nothing about real estate.

Therefore, I must put myself in the
hands of a honest man who... Let me look

those eyes again.

You can't be trusted. How can I help
you? Well, let's get to the top priority

stuff first.

The army needs a couple hundred square
acres for a missile base. Any

recommendations? Well, yes, sir. Yes,
sir. If you'll step right over here to

map of the wall, here's an area that I
think would be perfect.

Splendid. Splendid.

However...

Mr. Dreaming will never get it. Why not?

For only $300 ,000.

I can try.

Go to it, Duncan. Go for it.

Albert, you know the Wilson Ranch down
in the desert? Little Death Valley?

You got a big mouth just like your
mother.

Shut up.

It's over $30 ,000.

Couldn't swing it, eh? I knew it was too
good to be true.

I think I've got a surprise for you,
General.

You did it?

$100 ,000?

I told you, you are a good excuse.

And I fall into the hands of some
unscrupulous operator.

I understand there are a lot of them
around.

And don't think the Pentagon isn't aware
of them.

Why, only the other day I heard of a $10
million deal falling through because of

one single complaint.

Complaint? Yes, this corporal complained
he didn't have enough heat in his

apartment, and they canceled.

And, oh, incidentally, as your tenants,
you do do business with servicemen. Oh,

yes, yes, yes, I do. Good show. I've
always been very proud of that. I know

have. I want to see that you get the
full commission on this deal.

Dad, the chaplain's here.

Oh, time to come in.

If you reconsider, the servicemen really
need that center.

Reconsider what? It has nothing to
reconsider.

As a matter of fact, I threw away the
old lease. I made out a new lease and

out all the fine print. You have?

Well, there's never anything too good
for the servicemen, eh, General Bilko?

General?

I believe you. Oh, yes, I believe you,
Bet Padre. How are you?

Some time ago that we met, wasn't it?
Yes, but it seems like only yesterday.

doesn't it?

Where was it we met? Probably at the
Pentagon, eh, Padre? Yes, the Pentagon.

Yes, the Pentagon. The Adjutant
General's there with the blitz if we had

missile bandits.

Well, how are you, Padre? Where are you
stationed now?

Camp Fremont. Oh, splendid. I believe I
know your commanding officer, eh,

Colonel Hall?

Yes. Tell me, how is old Melon Head?

You two are chatting. I've got Chaplain
Donahue's lease all made up.

Look at those eyes again. I was right.
Good show. Go, go.

Belko, I really didn't expect you to go
this far, but you did swing.

Rest assured that I'll put in a good
word for you. With the Colonel?

In both places.

Oh, by the way, Belko, I spoke to the
young lady.

Sherry? You did? Sherry? In fact, she'll
be waiting for you in front of the

hotel at six o 'clock. Six o 'clock?

We'll go right to my suite for a
champagne dinner, and then with the

dimmed low and the champagne flowing,
I'll take her in my arms and I'll

Oh, look, please.

You may be a gentleman, but I'm still a
chaplain. Oh, yes, sir.

You'd better hurry. It's six o 'clock
now. I'll run. I'll run!

Huh?

Sherry! Ernie! Oh!

Ernie, what are you doing in that
beautiful... I didn't have time to

didn't want to be laid on me. Honey!

I...

Call the chaplain. He'll know what to
do. Wait a minute.

All right. Now, give it to me once
again, but this time slowly.

Well, it's all quite simple, Captain.
This man is stationed at Camp Fremont,

I'm his chaplain.

If you're his chaplain, where's your
identification?

I've already explained that in my hurry
to get... Sir, he's a chaplain. I can

vouch for him.

You can vouch for us. Yes, sir. And who
are you?

General Lafayette?

No problem,

sir. Thank you.

Colonel Hall?

Captain Carter.

Provost Marshal's office, San Francisco.

I've got a couple of your men here.

Yeah, one who says he's a General Bilko,
and the other is... General Bilko?

Who did you say is with him?

He's done the impossible.

What's that, sir?

He got the chaplain thrown in the clink.

Bill, there's really no need for you to
stay.

I'm sorry, Padre. I've got to see that
Bilko keeps carrying out my orders until

train time.

Yes, sir. At least I've got him behaving
himself for a few hours.

And that's how they got rid of the
wicked witch.

And Prince Charming gave Snow White a
great big kiss.

And so Prince Charming and Snow White
lived happily ever after.

Wait, it's another one, Uncle Ernie. Oh,
come on.

Give me a little while, children. First,
we're all going to have some milk and

cookies. And now, children, while Uncle
Ernie takes a little rest, Aunt Sherry

will serve the cookies.

Sherry! Please, Uncle Ernie, not in
front of the children.

Have a cookie.

Also seen in tonight's cast were John
Gibson as the Army Chaplain, Harold

as Mr. Duncan, Betty Bonet as Sherry,
Nick Saunders as Captain Barker, Walter

Arnold as Chaplain Donahue, and Earl
Marin as Albert.