All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e08 Bilko and the Crosbys

Come in.

Colonel Hall, there's a private crony
outside to see you. Send him in.

Right this way.

Private Lindsey Crosby reporting for
duty, sir.

At ease, Private Crosby.

Crosby. Crosby.

Say, you're not, uh... I'm afraid I am,
sir.

Well, what do you know?

Major Vernon Crosby's son from Fort
Houston.

How is Vern? Oh, sir, my father's Bing
Crosby. Oh, that's too bad.

You know, Vern and I... Bing Crosby?

Yes, sir.

What do you know?

You know, my wife and I certainly admire
your father's work.

Thank you very much, sir.

Well, now, let's see what your
assignment is.

Oh, no.

Not that.

Is there anything the matter, sir?
You're assigned to Camp Fremont Motor

Why, yes, sir. I requested that duty.

You requested it, then canceled it. You
didn't know what you were doing. You

can't go to the motor pool. But why not,
sir?

Sergeant Bilko, that's why not. Putting
you in Bilko's platoon is like putting

the Hope Diamond in Willie Sutton's
mailbox.

Take advantage.

He'll hold you for ransom.

Oh, I wouldn't have let that happen.

You may have met the type, but you never
met their president.

Well, thank you very much for the
warning, sir. I'll be very careful.

There he goes into the underworld.

I wonder if they can arrest me as an
accomplice.

Are you satisfied?

Your blunt inspection?

And now a snow weekend pass restricted
to barracks? We all got passes, Sarge.

Who cares about you? I'm restricted to
barracks.

Why?

Because one little bed wasn't made up.
But it was your bed, Sarge. Yeah, but

who's supposed to take care of my bed?

I was, Sarge. Yeah? But you didn't, did
you? What were you doing instead?

I was making my own bed, Sarge.

Think of number one pretty good, don't
you, Dovman? The injustice of it all.

That's tough, Sarge. Why don't you hire
a maid?

I got you.

Okay, pal. I got you made pretty good
now. Go on. Have your weekend, Pat. Have

fun, but when you come back, come back
rested. Because I'm going to push you

real good, pal. And the rest of you
miserable creeps. Sergeant Vilko? Who's

talking when I'm talking? Who talked? I
did, Sergeant. Oh, shut up, kid. You

see, I'm busy here.

All I need is a loudmouth kid. Now,
look, you miserable creep. But,

was told to report to you. He did it
again.

He did it again? All right, kid. I'm
warning you. Once I get down on you,

can be pretty miserable around here.

Sir, I'm the new replacement for the
motor fool.

You're the new...

Oh, goody, we got a replacement for the
motor pool. Isn't that great? Look what

they send me.

Infants, what are you going to do in a
motor pool? Wipe the kiddie cars?

Where's my phone? In a finest room. But
before you go there, get into my room.

Make up the bed. You see some shoes?
Shine every pair of shoes.

Press my clothes and one of my buttons
will miss an office shirt.

Take one of yours and put it on mine.
You understand that? Yes, yes. Just a

minute. Watch your name so I can make a
mental note of this. Private Lindsey

Crosby. Private Lindsey Crosby. All
right, on a double. Before you go, clean

these bags.

Spanky clean, Doberman.

Get him a mop and a pail of water. Get
him some shoe polish and the rest of you

creep. I'll get an apron, huh?

All right, I'm too tense. Let's get over
and play a little game of snooker. I'll

relax. Dismissed.

I should think you were a little rough
on that new kid. What do you mean rough?

You saw the way he kept interrupting me.
I'm going to give him plenty of work to

do this weekend. Put his name down for
KP.

Right, Sarge. What was his name again?
Crosby. Lindsey Crosby.

Don't... Lindsey Crosby.

Lindsey Crosby.

The barracks looks nice and clean. It's
done a grand job. Crosby, take the rest

of the day off.

Crosby! Crosby!

There'll be no fawning around here,
Paparelli.

Yes, and remember that. You'll get no
special treatment, Crosby, just because

your father has been Crosby, the famous
dancer.

No, sir.

Snigger. I don't care what he does.
You're just going to be treated like any

other soldier around here. And that's
just the way I want it. And that's the

it's going to be.

I've been in the army a long time. I
don't impress easily.

You just give me a day's work. That's
all I want out of you. A good day's work

can do like any other soldier. Before I
get through with you, you won't even

know what your own name is. You're not
yelling too loud at your kid.

Here's your mop. Play your soldier. Oh,
isn't that cute?

Private Doberman wants you to see his
mop and his tail. We've seen it. Now,

look.

Okay, Sonny, here's your shoe polish.
Oh, that private fender. He's our

camouflage expert. He does a wonderful
job. He teaches us every night. Look at

this. Very good. Move, move. Now, about
your sleeping quarters.

Yeah, where is that furnace room?

Furnace room? Who said furnace?

You misunderstood.

I said furnished room.

With your own high -fives, that TV, air
conditioning, and a contour chair.

Who's got a room like that?

I have.

Rocco, put a cat in my room. With a cat?
No. Leave it in the bed.

I think you should have company in there
like a brother or a father, someone

that's... Will you?

Will you?

Well, at least we got it easier than
Lindsey. He's probably been up since

peanut carpet scans.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I have here in my
hands an epistle from Lindsey Crosby,

boy soldier. Shall we open it up and see
what young Audie Murphy has to say?

Would you like that? It's probably five
pages of teardrops. Come on, Garrett.

Let's hear what the poor boy's written.
Dear peasants, Beverly Hills was never

like this.

I have just had breakfast served to me,
or should I say brunch, since I was not

awakened until noon.

I've never had it like this in the Army
before.

But since I've met Sergeant Bilko, life
has been one champagne supper after

another. I wonder what Bilko's angle can
be.

Bilko thinks that although Dad is a fine
performer, he hasn't been handled

properly.

And you should hear the things he says
about Uncle Everett.

He has a million ideas he would like to
discuss with Dad personally on the golf

course. Is that angle enough for you?

The Angler's Man.

What a conniver.

Bilko. Bilko. I've heard that name
before.

Didn't you used to go with a girl once,
uh, Ginger Bilko?

Thought it was Marilyn Zilko when you
went with her. Oh, that's right.

Zilko, I got it. It's in the family
album.

I know I saw that name in there. Let's
go up and check it out.

Hi, Len.

I didn't want to disturb you. I just got
these blue swatches of wallpaper. And

what do you think? Don't you think it
would brighten up the room considerably?

In a minute, Sarge. I just want to
finish this letter I got from Gary. Oh,

letter from home?

How's everybody?

Did your dad like the motion picture
idea I had, the road to Camp Fremont?

that's interesting. What?

What's interesting?

Something I said, something I did for
you? Hey, Sarge, who's your

name? Grandfather?

Felix Bilko.

Felix Bilko?

How do you like that? You know, he's in
our family album.

He is?

Well, that means we're related.

Cousin Lindsey, take me home with you
for a festive family reunion. No, no,

no, Sarge. We're not related. It's just
that my great -grandfather and your

grandfather were in love with the same
woman, Maude Skinner. Well, that means

we're closer than relatives.

Lindsey, take me home with you.

But you're not.

That's Maude's mother and father with
her.

You know, this picture was taken the day
my great -grandfather, Wilbur Crosby,

came to propose.

Oh, Wilbur. Wilbur, stop being so
nervous. You're shaking the pollen all

the floor.

You never know how much it means to me
that you come down here with me today.

Honest, I wouldn't be able to go through
with this myself. Oh, really? Here,

dear boy.

What is a friend for, after all? All I
want to see is you happily married.

Incidentally, Wilbur, I have a lovely
engagement ring I can let you have

It was only worn once by a girl who was
jilted. I think we'd better wait on

that. I haven't been accepted as yet,
you know. What are you worried about?

After all, the greatest salesman in
Spokane is going to speak for you.

Will you gentlemen come in, please? Of
course. Thank you, Miss. Oh,

incidentally, Wilbur, I have a lovely
bedroom set. I could let you have cheap.

Smile.

Yes, smile.

Hello, Wilbur.

Oh, Maud.

Listen, Mr. Skinner, I'd like you to
meet my friend, Felix Bilko. How do you

Oh, hi, Maud.

Maud. Hi, Wilbur. Why did you say she
was beautiful?

Good heavens, she's ravishing.

Oh, Mr.

Bilko. Oh, you know you are.

Mr. Skinner, always a delight to say
hello to one of Spokane's leading

And this, of course, good heavens, it's
Lillian Russell.

future mother -in -law was the famous
star.

Mr. Bilko.

Got these flowers for you. Picked them
myself.

Yes, he did. I saw him going to the hot
house. If you feel his coat, you'll find

it still warm.

Oh, they're lovely, Wilbur. Mr. Skinner,
you ought to be congratulated on having

a fine son -in -law like Wilbur.

Oh, Felix, I don't think... I agree with
you. I don't think we should postpone

this any longer, Mr. Skinner. My
heartiest congratulations.

Congratulations more than mother... Oh,
yes, I feel like crying, too.

Thank you very much, Mr. Skinner. Mr.
Skinner, I want to thank you. Will you

go of my hand, please? I haven't said a
word yet.

Oh, I want to know if you can support my
daughter.

What do you do for a living, Wilbur?

Aye, sir, I'm a singer at Fibergusson's
Beer Garden. And a very fine singer,

sir. Lovely voice. One note, Wilbur,
just one note.

That's the note, sir, the very note that
sent Victor Herbert to his piano to

compose an operetta for our boy Wilbur
here.

I always had hopes that my daughter
would marry a professional man, a doctor

a lawyer. Mr. Skinner, I don't wish to
differ with you. However, those are

insecure professions. Only a few moments
ago on this very street corner, a

doctor asked me for a nickel.

Great Scott!

What is it, Father? Father, do you
remember the stock we bought a few years

Edison Phonograph?

Well, it just shot sky high. We're rich.
We're worth a quarter of a million

dollars. Mr.

Skinner, I was saying before, singing
might be a fine vocation, but your voice

can go at any time. However, people will
always need a doctor or a lawyer. I

myself am studying my day to be a
lawyer, and at night I'm bucking for my

internship. But I'll make a fine living
as a singer at the Burgard. Yes, yes,

I'll vouch for that. Benny and I, I've
seen him pick three or four dollars and

change off the floor, but... Now that
he's marrying Maude, he won't have to

stoop. She can pass the hat, Maude.

There he goes with that.

That's the way he sings.

It'll get him nowhere, sir.

Oh, really. Oh, Mr. Skinner, you see, I
should go to Harvard Law School or to

Yale Medical School. On the other hand,
should I go to Yale Law School or

Harvard Medical School?

Don't listen to him. He can't go to
college. He quit school when he was

Yes, so I could have private tutoring at
home. With your permission, sir, will

you allow me?

Maude, will you accept this ring as a
token of my affection? Wait, you were

going to sell me that ring.

Sell you my mother's ring?

All right. Off with the glasses.

I shall have to ask you to leave at
once.

Yes, out, out, and take these pothouse
pansies with you. Out, sir.

Philco, one day you will regret this.
Out of my home.

Please don't be aggravated. Look at it
this way. You're not losing a daughter.

You're gaining a doctor and a lawyer. I
like the way you think, Felix.

Now, why don't you stay for dinner? Oh,
thank you, Dad.

Thank you a quarter of a minute. Thank
you.

So anyway, Sarge, what's going to marry
Felix

Bilko, your grandfather?

Now, wait a minute, Lindsay. You're not
going to blame me for something my nutty

grandfather Felix did, are you? No, no,
no, no, Sarge. But can you imagine this?

Isn't it a small world? My great
-grandfather almost married your

Yeah. How do you like that? If my
grandmother had married Wilbur Crosby...

Well, today I might have... I might have
been... I might have been... I would

have been Bing Crosby.

Bing Crosby? My father? Why, sure.

That crazy grandfather of mine, if he'd
have kept his mouth shut, today I

wouldn't be in the army.

I'd own the army.

Take it easy, Sergeant. Hey, is there
anything I can get you from the PX? No,

thank you, son.

I mean, no, thank you, Lindsay.

I didn't like that. I was one yes away
from being Bing Crosby.

I could have been Bing Crosby.

Wow.

What a Bing Crosby item, eh?

Good afternoon. This is Ted Stacy for
CBS Television, welcoming you to the

-famous Pebble Beach Golf Course for the
fourth annual Bing Crosby Golf

Tournament. And here he is, Bing Crosby.

the old grown -up coming at you from
Pueblo Beach out here in sunny

wait a minute.

We got a real piggy coming at you and
all the Hollywood big brigs are here to

watch the old grown -up's friends
hooking and slicing all over the

And there, looky here, there's old
Frankie boy. Hi, Frankie.

There he goes, old skin and bones.

Looks like a walking swing.

Nice to see you, Frankie boy.

Hold that swing here, Dean.

Don't swing that club, boy.

Jerry's standing right behind you.

Maybe that's what you have in mind, you
rascal, you.

Hello there, Teddy boy. How's things,
boy?

You know, each year, Bing runs this
tournament all by himself. But, Bing, I

think a lot of the folks would like to
know just why you put so much time and

effort into the tournament.

That's it, Teddy boy.

Well,

you must have passed up a lot of offers
to be out here running the tournament

today. That's the way it goes, Teddy.
When you love the game, you don't mind

giving up a few things for the game.

Well, lookie here.

This is my twin boy, Dennis.

This is old Dennis. We used to call him
Speck when he was a little boy. Had a

lot of freckles, but then the Enterprise
invented a cream, removed his freckles,

we had a little left over.

Showed a nice profit, didn't you, son?

What's doing, boss? Running out of hot
dogs here. There's a good boy.

Here's the key to my locker. And open my
car trunk and find some rolls in there,

son. Been putting on plenty of mustard
to make him thirstier, Dad. He's a good

boy. By the fifth hole, he'll be begging
for orange juice. That old minute mate

is going to flow, son.

Move it. Move it.

Hey, I was telling you, Dad, when you
love a game, you don't mind giving up a

few things to satisfy your love for the
sport. Hey, Dad!

Well, looky here. This is my other twin
boy.

This is Philip.

This is the boy we used to call Dude.
He's the best dressed. He was the first

one up. What'd you say, Philly boy?
Yeah, we got no more room to park the

Well, son, you park them close like I
told you. Yeah, I've been putting the

Thunderbirds under the Cadillacs like
you said, but we still need more room.

Good boy, we have to do some here.

Tell you what, start parking them on the
last two holes. That's it, Teddy. From

here in, it's a 16 -hole tournament.

Like I was telling you.

If you love a game, it's a sporting
thing to give up a few things for it.

know what I mean, don't you, Ted? Yes, I
do.

Lookie here. This is my baby boy. This
is old Lindsey. Hi, Lindsey. However we

call him Oily. Oh, he's sharp. Oh, he's
a sharp youngster. He'd sell a hot stove

to an Eskimo down in Chile. What about
that? What do you know?

What's doing, Sam?

Having a smashing success with the
souvenirs today, Dad, but we need some

autographed pictures. You know I'm going
to do it. You know Daddy's going to do

the pictures.

Let me see now. Bing Crosby.

There we have it.

Bing Crosby.

Here, son. What are you doing here with
a picture of Perry Como? Oh, it must

have got in my mistake. What are you
going to do with it? I'll tear it up.

Don't, don't, don't. No, nothing is
wasted here.

We'll just sign Perry Como.

He's a good boy. He's a good boy, you
know.

I was telling you about sports.

I love the game. I give all my time. I'm
ready to go. Well, I'll be. Look who's

here. Look who's here.

This is my big boy. This is Gary.

I call him my Las Vegas holdout. He's
the only one I got left, you know.

Gary. Good boy. You going to play in the
tournament, Gary?

No, I'm just carrying.

Excuse me, Ted.

Now, when you're carrying, son, remember
what Daddy told you? Now, when a player

loses a ball in the woods, what do you
do?

Oh, I can't find the ball.

Of course you can't find that ball.

Now, what else do you do, son?

Sell him a new ball.

Now, where do you get this new ball, you
say? I get the new ball from the woods

where the old ball players hit the ball.

Good boy.

Good boy.

Like I was telling you, I told all my
youngsters, be sportsmen. The game is

counts. Dad! Dad!

Philip. What happened? I was parking
cars in the green and suddenly the 16th

hole started to sprout oil. I was afraid
of this. I'm sorry. Get me off the air.

Tournament's off. Everybody off the car.

Get me in that hole. Here. Denny. Denny.
Get me barrels. Barrels. Gary.

Gary.

Gary. Gary. Gary.

Gary. Gary. Gary.

Gary.

You must have been dreaming, Sarge.
Yeah, yeah. What a dream that was.

I dreamt I was your father.

And I was good to you boys, too.

Sarge, how about better? Yeah, I'll do
that.

Boy, what a dream that was.

I was your daddy.

And you don't love me as a daddy. I was
very good to you boys.

Why couldn't it have been?

Why? Why?

Doco? My father?

Oh, let me see Doco.

Dennis Bilko.

The Ernie Bilko.

I'll go.

Excuse me, Colonel. Yes? There's a Mr.
Ernest Bilko outside to see you.

Ernie Bilko, my old motorboat sergeant.
Send him in.

Won't you come in?

Well, Ernie Bilko, it's been so many
years.

Yes, it has been a long time, Colonel
Long. How's your baby life treating you,

Ernie? Oh, not bad. I got the hula hoop
concession in Nebraska, sir.

I'm looking at my four boys, sir. Tell
me, how are they doing?

Frankly, Ernie, if it weren't for those
sons of yours, I'd be a general now.

Instead of four stars, they gave me four
Bilcos.

Oh, come now, sir. I'm sure you're being
unduly harsh. They're not

troublemakers, not these boys, after
all. I taught them everything they know.

It shows.

They're just fun -loving children.

Excuse me for interrupting, sir, but
we've just arrested Sergeant Bilco.

Show the fun -loving child in.

Bring him in.

You quit you? Here.

You realize the consequences of a false
arrest, do you? Do you know that I'll

sue the army for every penny they've got
under Article 96?

It's Article 97.

Thank you, sir.

Daddy,

how are you, my boy? Gary, my boy.

How are you? Now, what have you been
doing, son? Nothing, nothing. I was

escorting five men to the Grove City
Hospital in an army ambulance. That's

So you're not going to chastise a boy
who was on a mission of mercy, sir? The

patients were on their hands and knees
shooting crap, sir.

Mere physicians have the ability to
blind off their pain, that's all.

and hospital checks are better.

Oh, did I tell you the girl had a bit of
humor? Yes, you did. My boy wrote me

about you. He was so right. Sorry.

You can't blame the lad. He's probably
fallen in with evil companions.

Yes, your other three sons.

Sorry to burst in on you like this, but
could I have $25?

$25? What for?

Oh, please, Johnny. It's terribly
important.

Well, all right.

Sergeant Duco, here's your money. Thank
you, Mrs. Hall, and here are the tickets

to the Let Hawaii Into the Union dance.

Bill! And you'll be pleased to know,
Colonel, that you've been chosen as

Pinell. And this is all... Now, perhaps
if your friend here would like to

purchase... Why, Dad!

Philip, my boy. You are looking well,
and that's a splendid idea about the

Hawaiian dance. I could supply the whole
hoops. Yes, and I'm sure with your trim

waistline, Colonel, you'll have no
trouble at all twirling a hoop around.

show, Gary boy.

Sir, how many hoops can I put you down
for, sir? Will you keep quiet, Milton?

I didn't say anything, sir. Did you say
anything? I said nothing. It must have

been him. No, I didn't say anything. How
would I...

must have a ten -day leave.

I'm not going to leave, Bilko. You just
came back from one. I know, sir, but I

was just unpacking when I received this
telegram, which states, father's

seriously ill. Fly to Miami Beach at
once. So with your permission, I'll

at once, sir.

Bilko! My colonel calls.

Why ask my permission when I asked your
father's? Here he is.

Dad! You've recovered. Oh, my boy.

Hello, Denny.

Now, now, how could you chastise a boy
who thinks so much of his father that he

leaves his duties and is flying to his
bedside to Miami Beach, sir? I can't

stand much more of this.

Now, Bill, go. Well, we have to be out
of Camp Fremont by Saturday.

He sold the camp.

He sold the camp.

No, sir. We never owned it.

What do you mean we never owned it?
These two beautiful braids have a little

parchment here that proves that they own
the land, sir. I like it. I like it.

Dad. Lindsay, boy.

How are you? I'm not Lindsay anymore.

I'm running Fox.

And by the mark on my arm, you see that
I'm a blood brother. And that naturally

gives me the right to negotiate for this
job. It does. It does. That is

preposterous. Oscars, I won't hear
another word of it. Oh, sir, you better

my son, the running fox, negotiate this
thing before we have an Indian uprising,

sir. No, please don't make it, sir.
Spooky casualty. I can't stand any more

this. I know, sir, you're tired. Why
don't you just relax and sign my leave

papers? I'm not signing anything.

Of course not, sir. If you're going to
be Johnny Pineapple, you must practice

with your hula hoop. Stop it, stop it.
I'm going to have a breakdown.

I'll take you to the hospital with my
ambulance. Of course, you'll have to

in front, sir, or five very sick men in
the back. All right, sir. They do need

discipline, and I'm going to see that
they get it. You are.

Good news, sir.

I'm re -enlisting.

No. Why, you don't... Dad,

Dad, what about the Indian deal? The
Indian deal, Dad. What about it? Wake

What about the Cleveland Indians? Is
your dad going to buy them? What, do you

want me in on it? What?

Oh, it's you, Sergeant. Oh, you should
have seen a dream I just had. Dream? Why

don't you tell me about it? Maybe I can
analyze it. Then we can go to Palm

Springs for the weekend. We'll discuss
it with Dad. No, I'm all right now,

Sergeant. Hey, Lindsay.

Three visitors here to see you. Three
visitors for me? Send them in. Right in

here, fellas.

Hey, Garrett. Yeah, Phil.

Hey. What are you guys doing here? Well,
we come here to take a new, full, rich

life you're living here.

That's all due to my beautiful little
sergeant here, Sergeant Phil.

Hiya, boys. Listen, why don't you join
us? I could put three extra cops in

You'd all be together. I'm sure your dad
would like that.

Speaking of dads, you know that's why
we're here.

Why, what's up? Big record company has
an idea for an album. They want to call

it the Five Crosby Sing.

Five Crosby Sing. I like it. I like
that. Only Dad's got other commitments.

Oh, what a shame. Yeah, because without
Dad, they don't want to do the album.

Yeah, I guess nobody can take Dad's
place. No chance.

No. No weather blue.

Have the night.

The gold.

What? What? What are you thinking, Gary?
What?

Well, he sounds a little like Dad.

And to be legitimate, I was almost a
Crosby. Think about that fellow.

What about...

with Sergeant Bilko wouldn't hurt. Why
not?

The audience would love you singing with
the soldiers. It's a great idea.

I like that idea you just had.

Hey, do you boys know an old folk tune
called My Baby Needs a Pair of Shoes?

Yeah. My baby needs a pair of shoes.

Come you seven and she won't get them if
I lose.

Come along you left.

Excuse me, just a minute. Are you in
business for yourself?

Stepping down and taking charge. Please
sing with the group. All right.

Jenny, Lenny and I will do the lead,
right?

You do the baritone. You got a nice low
voice.

Keep it real.

The lead is my baby needs a parachute.
You sing the bass. Bass. I'm changing

your part to bass. Bass. Baby needs a
parachute.

Baby needs a parachute.

Baby needs a parachute.

Baby needs a parachute.

Baby needs a parachute.

Baby needs a parachute.

It's one note. It'll blend with the rest
of us. Let's try it.

My baby needs a parachute. Hold it.
You're doing Gary's note. Sing the bass.

You'll do the tenor.

Come along, you seven.

But she won't get them if I lose.

Come along, you seven.

Roll, roll, roll them bones. Roll them
on the square.

Roll them on the sidewalk. The streets
are empty.

pleased when people are doing a quartet.

Hey, hey, wait a minute there. Good
news.

Dad's going to be able to make it. Who
needs him? Six Crosby's, that's one too

many to five of them.

He's going to be there and he's going to
make it.

Oh, well, I had a dream for a minute,
didn't I? Well, don't feel bad.

He wants you to spend a weekend with
him. Are you available?

Available? I've been packed for days.