All language subtitles for Phil Silvers Show s04e05 Bilko vs Covington

Come in, gentlemen. There's no waiting
at the gathering tables. Try your hand

chocolate. A spin of the roulette wheel.
Thanks. Anything you'd like, they're

not coming in.

Oh, they're just a little shy. What they
need is a little friendly persuasion.

Hey, you miserable creep!

Come on, let's get started, fellas.
We're two hours behind schedule. Now

have to play after light's out. Rock
will get the luminous dice.

Where are you guys going?

You'll have to count me out for tonight,
Sarge. Me too, Sarge. I'll be out for

the rest of the month. What do you guys
do with your money?

I'm warning you. If I catch any of you
creeps sending money home, I'm warning

you. We didn't even get a chance to get
it off the post. What are you talking

about? We're just getting started. This
is Monte Carlo night. If you was Monte

Carlo night, for us it was Las Vegas
night. Las Vegas night? It's right there

the bulletin board, Sarge. Sergeant
Covington put it up. That's the guy.

Covington? Las Vegas night. Gambling,
refreshments, floor show, sign.

Sergeant J .J. Covington.

Refreshments? Floor show? Yeah, he gives
you a glass of ice water and does magic

tricks. Makes your money disappear.

part of them. I am!

You do this to me?

I am. Let me look at these faces.

May I tell you I don't like what I see?

It's too late for tears, Doberman.

For ten years I cultivated you boys,
taught you all the joys of gambling, the

thrill of the roulette wheel, the
excitement of a full house, and now you

finally get a hold of some money you can
lose and you go to strangers?

We're sorry, Sarge.

Thank you, Fender. First thing in the
morning I'll go to the bank and deposit

your apologies.

That's best, you quizlings.

Come in.

Sir. Yes? I wonder if I can ask the
Colonel for a great favor. It'll only

moment, sir. What is it, Belko? Would
you please try this on, sir?

A cowboy hat?

What for, Bill? Well, it's for my
Buffalo Bill birthday ball, sir. You

man took a poll to choose a man whose
climbing spirit most typifies that of

Buffalo Bill. And I won? Oh, it was a
landslide, sir.

527 votes for you and only three for
John Wayne.

Oh, yes.

Annie Oakley, will you tell her? Annie
Oakley? Yes. Fender has come up with a

lovely idea. It's a buckskin sack dress.
She'll look magnificent, sir. Why don't

you try it on for size, please, sir?

It's you, sir. You're the wild one.

If you'll just sign this, please.

What is it, Bilko? Well, it gives me
permission to use the recreation hall

Saturday night for the walls. Oh, I'm
afraid you're a little late, Bilko.

Sir? Yes, I've just given permission to
Sergeant Covington to use the recreation

hall for his Northwest Passage Day
dance. Northwest Passage Day? Mrs. Hall

are going as Lewis and Clark.

Sir, I thought... I must say, Bilko,
that Sergeant Covington sure has some

exciting ideas.

Covington!

Oh, why, Ernie, this is a surprise. I
know how you feel. I tell you how this

happened. I said to myself, I feel like
an exciting date tonight. Who shall it

be? I said to myself, shall it be
Mildred, Gloria?

Then it came to me like a flash. I said,
no, Shirley Medwick is the lucky girl,

and here I am. Well, it's nice seeing
you, Ernie. Bye.

Shirley, you don't understand, Shirley.
It's me, Bilbo. I brought you these

lovely flowers and expensive candy. Yes.
Well, give me a... Drink some time,

Ernie. Charlie, it's me, Vilco, with the
velvet lips. Vilco with the dimples,

honey. You're awfully cute, Vilco, but
you're not my type.

I've got to get rid of him. Yeah, there
must be a

way. Hey, he's always down at the rifle
range.

Suppose I ask for some extra rifle
practice, right? I pick up the rifle, my

grafts are slipping, then... Ernie!

I'd miss. I've got to get a foolproof
idea.

I got it, Sarge. What? Why do we plant
counterfeit money on Covington? Then

he goes to the PX to spend it, we tip
off the MPs and they nab him. Where do

get the counterfeit money? We make it.
Well, I get 20 years so he can get five.

Oh, you and him too? Oh, well, you're
self -righteous. Come on, you're acting

like a... Here's the mail for you.
Thanks, Coleman. Here's to you, Hedge.

Thanks. For you, Ernie.

Who? Well, I'm still a little popular
anyway.

What was that, Sarge?

It's an invitation to Covington's bingo
game tonight.

Hey,

I got one, too. So did I.

Well, I'm waiting, gentlemen.

What's the other letter?

Hey, it's for Matty Michello in Japan.

A road supply sergeant? Yeah? What's he
got to say?

Boy, what griping. Listen to this.

Dear Arnie, I'm stuck in a miserable
little village called Wakota.

It's built on the side of an extinct
volcano, and I keep hoping it will erupt

again. We could use the excitement.

Wakoto is the waste... Already.

A million miles from nowhere. I wouldn't
wish that on my worst enemy.

I would.

Covington? You're going to get Covington
to go to Japan?

You'll never swing it, Ernie. Oh, Ernie,
he's too smart.

Sure, he's too smart to stay here when
he hears about a fortune in pearls

waiting for him in Japan.

I get it. You're going to tell him he
can cut in on a big cultured pearl

business over there. Oh, I'm not going
to tell him anything. He's too shrewd to

believe me.

Well, then how's he going to find out?
From the biggest blabbermouth on the

post.

Pat Farrelly, look at the lady I saw at
your house.

Hello,

Pat Farrelly. What's new?

Zimmerman and this girl.

No kidding.

But don't read a word to anybody. It's
supposed to be a secret. My lips are

sealed. What do you want to see me
about, Sarge?

Excuse me, boys. Would you run down to
the supply room and pick up my laundry

there? Sure, sure. Thanks very much,
fellas.

It's just a trick. I got no laundry. I
wanted to get rid of them. What's up,

Sarge? Jeez.

Apparelli, you've got to help me. Yes,
Sarge, yes.

Look, I've got to send a letter to
Japan, the contents of which are so

secretive, I have to have the letter
written in Italian.

Can you write in your native tongue?
Sure, Sarge, fluently. Look, I do like

depend on you.

I'm ready, Sarge. I'm ready.

My dear friend, Eddie.

Miocardo! Now, you're listening.

Softly, softly.

Miocardo Eduardo.

Ah, your discovery of a pearl bed in
Japan sounds like it's worth millions.

Millions? I expect to join you in Makoto
the

minute my hitch is up here in eight
months.

You leave in the army to go to Japan,
Sarge? I had to make the decision,

Paparelli. Either I stay a master
sergeant or become the cultured pearl

the world.

I'll sign it.

Your very dear friend, Ernie.

Tu gumbari est.

Well, Paparelli, I'll mail this myself.

Boy, Sarge, the cultured pearl king of
the world. Look, what you just heard and

what you just wrote here must not be
repeated to anybody in evil language.

Sarge. I knew I could trust you,
Paparelli.

No, so you say...

Just some tomato paste and a little
cheese, and that's how you make a pizza.

So long, Sarge.

Thank you, Paparelli.

How did it go?

Perfectly. Nobody will get a word out of
Paparelli unless they ask.

Now I've got to get that Covington
interested enough to ask. Poor

He's going to wind up in Wakota.

The way I look at it, he's lucky.

I could have sent him to Siberia.

Hi, fellas. Oh, here's Vilko now. How
did it go, Sarge? I could use the money,

you could use the track. Oh, that's
good.

Sorry,

fellas, I've got to play this. If it's
too loud, I'll turn it down a little.

Lesson three, at the railroad station.

What time is the next train?

Yakota yuki wa nanji desu ka? Yakota
yuki wa nanji desu ka?

Tough language, right on the roof of the
mountain.

Where is the baggage room?

Benjo wa?

I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Hey,
what's with the Japanese lessons? Wait a

minute. There's a very important
sentence coming up.

I am leaving, sweetheart.

Kiss me goodbye.

Sayonara, Choco -san.

Sayonara, Choco -san.

See,

it all makes sense.

Not enough for the day.

Isn't it amazing how fast you can learn
Japanese when you have to? What do you

mean, you have to?

Oh.

Well, you see, there's this waitress I'm
interested in. She works out at the

Sukiyaki restaurant.

Now, all I got to do is get her down to
the railroad station near the baggage

room.

Boy,

what some guys will do to get next to a
girl. Oh, come on. Use your head, Banks.

Bilko's not going to that kind of
trouble to get next to a girl.

Something's up.

We're going to keep our eye on Mr. Moto.
Come on.

Konnichiwa.

That means hello in Japanese.

How did it go, Sarge? Perfect. I sneaked
into the library. I sneaked into the

map room. I sneaked the map of Japan
out, and I sneaked right back here. Did

Covington see you? Of course. He was
sneaking right behind me.

He'll be snooping around here any
minute. Pench, watch the window.

get out of here? After I raise the
chair.

For what?

For the grilling. Move that chair over
there.

That's perfect. Covington will sit here.
His stooge, Banks, will be here. Right

in the middle will be Blabbermouth. Here
he comes, Ernie.

Coochie, coochie. What? That means, come
on, let's get out of here. Coochie,

coochie.

All right, now, Banks, let me do the
questioning here. If anybody knows

anything, I'll find out. You got it? Got
you, Sarge.

Hiya, fellas. No, no, no, no, please
don't stand up. I just stopped by to

a little invitation, that's all.

Said the cat to the mouse. No, no, no,
no, no, Angle. Just want you to stop by

the room tonight and watch the fights on
television.

Well, it's here, boys.

Pay television.

Hey,

I'll be there.

Doberman. Doberman, you're looking
great, Banks. Just a fellow who'll never

himself go to pot. Yeah, he looks great.

Gee, thanks, Sarge. I think an American
soldier has an obligation.

Do you?

Oh, right, Doberman, but you ought to
let yourself go once in a while here.

Have a Hershey bar.

Gee, thanks. I'll eat it after dessert.

Yeah, you can do that, Doberman.

Don't let me in on the plan.

Where can we talk?

What plan?

Never mind. That's all.

Hello, Dad. How are you? How's the kid?

Fine, fine.

Listen, I happen to have a little extra
cigarette lighter here. I thought you

might like it. Cigarette lighter? For
free?

You want something. No, no, no, no.
Look, uh, Bilko let me in on the plan.

can we go?

What plan?

Bilko never lets me in on his plans.

By your own way.

Dino. Baby boy.

Leave me alone, Covington. I got nothing
to say to you. No, no, no.

Really, Bilko let me in on the plan.
Where can we go? How about Bilko's room?

Yeah, great, buddy.

You know, baby, just sit right over
here, huh?

Make yourself nice and comfortable.

Now, now that we're all in on this thing
together, suppose we talk about it. Not

so fast.

I'm not telling what I know till you
tell what you know.

Well, you know about Japan.

What about Japan?

Well, about Bilko's scheme to sneak
Japanese cameras into the country.

Japanese cameras?

That's nothing.

What about the cultured pearl business?
That's going to make Bilko a

millionaire. Oh, I didn't know you knew
about the cultured pearl business.

Are you kidding?

I wrote the letter to Eddie Michello.
Gee, I've been meaning to write that to

myself. Say, tell me, how does he like
it in, uh, Banks? What's the name of

town? Uh, uh, Wakoda?

Wakoda, of course.

You know, I'd love to get Bill to a nice
farewell party.

What the hurry? He's not leaving till
his hitch is up in eight months.

Eight months, huh?

Well, thanks very much, Paparella.
You've been a wonderful help. Now,

I'll tell you one thing.

Let's keep this between ourselves, huh?
What are you telling me for? You're the

blabbermouth. Me? Sure, I didn't know
nothing about the Japanese cameras. Boy,

some guys just can't learn to keep their
mouths shut.

Bilko's hit it big.

Yeah.

Eddie Michella must be sitting on a
fortune over there. Bilko's going over.

Too bad he's going to be too late.

What do you mean?

I'm going to be there first.

By the time Bilko gets to Wakota, the
only thing you'll find left will be

oyster shells.

Come on, let's go.

I am now Sergeant Covington.

Say hello to Red Potter.

Wakota, Japan.

Why on earth would you want to transfer
over there?

Well, you see, sir, I've never been to
the Orient, and I wanted the opportunity

to see that part of the world.

But Wakanda, why not a beautiful city
like Tokyo or Yokohama? Oh, I've had my

fill of the big cities, sir. I wanted
something more typically Japanese,

something like a quaint little fishing
village.

Wakota, a fishing village?

You'll have to have a pretty long line.

The nearest water is 230 miles away.

There must be a link, sir. A friend of
mine wrote me about lily pads or oyster

beds. Did he mention anything about
volcanic ash? Because that's all they

there. Are you sure you have the right
Wakota, sir? There is only one Wakota. I

was there right after the war.

Do you know what Wakota means in
Japanese?

The city that was thrown away.

Bud, if you want to go there... Oh, no,
no, if you don't mind, I've

reconsidered, sir.

It's a wise decision, Covington. I'll
just tear this up. Oh, no, you better

sir. You never can tell when someone
else might like to go there.

Thank you, sir.

What coat?

You!

Boy, when I saw Covington run to the
colonel's office with that transfer...

Bud. What date do you want for any ride?
Put down any date you want. All I know

is our competition is going for a boat
ride all the way to Japan.

It's time. Time for the race results.
Oh, turn it on.

Lady Luck finds me irresistibly safe.

And here are the results of the first
race at Belmont Park.

The winner, County Cork, paid $6 .80.
I'm hot!

I'm hot!

Stay tuned for further race results.

And now, the news.

And here is your 2 o 'clock news.

Dr. Carl Manhoff, noted research
scientist, announced today the discovery

new wonder drug.

Acrocyllum, the source of the new drug,
is reported to be a derivative of

volcanic ash.

Dr. Manhoff declares that the main
source of volcanic ash is limited to two

locations, Mount Etna in Sicily and
Mount Chiwaki in Wakota, Japan.

Did he say Wakota? Yeah, that's what he
said. He said something about volcanic

ash being very valuable. That's right.
And Eddie Michello is zipping on a

mountain of it.

Take a wire. Quick.

Dear Eddie.

I'm sending you money immediately.

Buy up all the acreage you can around
Mount Chiwaukee.

I will join you as soon as I can. It's
time to join me. You don't understand.

And that concludes our new broadcast.

All right. We've got a little news
bulletin. Positive. I hooked into his

last night, and he never misses a race
result.

Bilko in one.

Oh, glory. I finally put him where he
belongs, right on top of an ashtray.

on top of an ashtray.

Clark, will you send in Mr. Bilko,
please?

Mr. Bilko?

Excuse me.

I beg your pardon?

You want to kiss me goodbye at the
railroad station?

You speak Japanese? I've made it
splendid.

You see, I've spent so many years in
Japan, I hardly know which is my own

language.

Oh, well, let's chat later. For now,
let's get down to business, shall we?

You sit down, Mr. Bilko. Thank you very
much.

Enough discussions.

I just got off the plane from Japan. I
find it difficult to get used to chairs

again. Mr. Belko, what can I do for you?
Oh, no. What can I do for you? Now, how

soon do you want to go into production
with the new wonder drug? The what

drug are you referring?

Acrocyllin. Oh, isn't it a shame they
didn't discover it years ago? If they

well, Typhoid Mary would still be alive
today.

Oh,

you big businessmen. Oh, you have your
tactics. You don't know what it is, of

course.

Henry Kaiser tried that on me in the
last war. He kept saying, Aluminum?

What's that?

You sign this paper, and by next Friday,
I can guarantee to deliver you 300 tons

of volcanic ash.

300 tons of volcanic ash? You are a
little surprised, aren't you? As this

cablegram will clearly show you, this is
from my representative, Dr. Michello in

Makoto. He bought 300 acres of it.

What are you going to do with all this
volcanic ash?

Sell it to you.

I'm not one of those big businessmen who
waits for prices to go sky high. No,

indeed. Sell it while you can.

Of course, if you don't want to do
business, I can always go through the

people, the Dow Chemicals. Just a
moment, Mr. Vilko. Of course.

Will you send Forbes up here?

Oh, is that Dr. Forbes of your
laboratory?

No, that's Officer Forbes of the plant
police.

Oh, good move. You want to keep me under
guard away from your competitors?

No, Mr. Vilko. I'm going to have you
thrown out.

What about volcanic ash? Don't you want
it? I don't want any volcanic ash or

cinders or garbage. Who do you think
you're dealing with?

Bob, show this man to the gate. All
right, let's go, mister. Wait a minute.

don't understand.

What about acrocyllum? It came over the
radio. I heard the newsflash right

during the race results. They said that
acrocyllum... Race results?

Why would a newsflash be on the race
results?

Covington. It was Covington! Ouch!

Covington!

Out! Oh, shut up. I'm just getting my
shoes out. I hope your puns and blamings

blow out.

Well, I never thought this day would
happen. A truce between Dildo and

Covington. Yeah, but Covington had the
last laugh.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Here they come. Hurry up. Yes,
sir.

Shall we proceed?

Agreed.

Corporal Henshaw, will you read the
preamble, please?

Inasmuch as a constant state of warfare
has proved costly and detrimental to

Sergeants Ernest G. Bilko and J .J.
Covington, a meeting has hereby been

convened to negotiate a truce.

As of today, the camp will be divided
into two sections. My line will extend

from the drill field clear through to
the library.

Wait a minute, that gives you the PX?
Oh, yes, that's just a mistake of the

ruler. Will you watch that, Corporal
Henshaw, please? Make that adjustment.

Article two.

Control of betting and winning.

I will get the right to run a pool on
the World Series and the Kentucky Derby.

You will have the right to the National
Mouth Open and the Pulitzer Prize

winner. Agreed?

Wait. Who bets on a Pulitzer Prize?

Me, for one. I'll take seven to five on
Ernest Hemingway right now.

I'll just take my delegation and walk.

Oh, okay.

Ten, please.

After you.

You.

Here you are, Corporal Barbella. A
souvenir for your drinks.

I shake hands, huh?

Well, Mr. Yimmer, sounds like a
wonderful opportunity for any soldier.

government feels that our new military
school should be staffed with the finest

technical experts available.

That's why I've been visiting so many
army posts.

You see, we'd like to get the top men.

I don't think you'll have any trouble
getting men for such an attractive job.

All that extra pay and the housing
accommodations?

Then do you have any men that I can
interview?

I've sent for some of my sergeants who I
think will be interested in the job.

You can use my office for the
interviews. If you'll excuse me, I have

meeting. Thank you very much, Colonel
Hall.

Sergeant Vilko reporting.

Oh, excuse me. I was told Colonel Hall
wanted to see me. Well, actually, it was

I who wanted to see you, Sergeant.

I am Mr. Kyoto Yamura of the Japanese
government.

Oh, Japanese government, huh? Really?

Well, I'll get right down to it.

How would you like to go to Japan?

Japan? Well, let me see. It can't be for
the cultured pearl bit and the volcanic

ashes out. What is it this time?

We need technical experts at the
Japanese Military Academy.

Oh, I see. Something legitimate this
time.

I suppose I get a lot of extra pay for
this?

Well, there is a substantial bonus, yes.
Oh, swell. I suppose I have my own

house to live in?

No, we hadn't counted on that. But you
will have a suite at the Imperial Hotel

in Tokyo.

A suite at the Imperial Hotel.

Pulling out all stops, eh, Charlie?

Then you'll go?

Oh, sure. That's what Sergeant Covington
would like me to do, eh?

Covington? Who's Covington?

Covington is the jerk that hired you as
a stooge to play Santa Claus. You know

who Covington is. Look, let me give you
a tip -off, Buster. Don't let the

colonel catch you at his desk.

Imperial... Banzai!

I'll never understand these Americans.

Oh, miss, as soon as the next sergeant
arrives, would you send him in, please?

Sergeant Bilko.

Definitely not.

Sergeant, great to come in here
reporting. How do you do, sergeant?

I'm Mr. Kyoto Yamura of the Japanese
government. Yes, sir. Now, how would you

like to go to Japan?

How would I like to go where?

Japan. Oh, how stupid can Bilko get?

Oh, I don't know what's so amusing.

You'd have a suite at the Imperial Hotel
and...

Oh, the Imperial Hotel. Yeah, that's
wonderful.

You're doing a great job.

Hey,

there he is now.

All right, Covington, I thought we
signed a peace treaty, but this is the

you're going to conduct yourself.

Here's what I think of it, okay? Here,
me.

You're the one that wrote the treaty.
You and that hokey Mr.

Yamura. Come on, give me a little more
credit than that. Hiring a phony like

that Yamura. That's more like your
cornball thinking.

All right, be on your guard, Bilko. From
now on, anything goes.

All right, Val, you ask for it. You
won't know what'll hit you. Hurricane

is about to strike.

Hey, I've been looking all over for you.
I want to say goodbye.

Goodbye. Where you going?

Japan.

Late weeks at the Imperial Hotel, a
bonus, my own car, it's like a vacation

Peg. Hurry, Sergeant Grover, we've got
to get to the airport.

So long, boys.

It was out of luck, yeah.

You better wait for me.

Also seen in tonight's cast were Keith
Brazell as Sergeant Covington, Iggy

Wolfington as Corporal Banks, House
Jameson as Mr.

Dupre, and Sho Onodera as Mr.

Yamura.